The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality.
“By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate, you will
be convinced of my candour, while you are informed of my indiscretion.
You will be enabled, I hope, to perceive, that, howsoever my head may
have erred, my heart hath always been uncorrupted, and that I have been
unhappy, because I loved, and was a woman.
“I believe I need not observe, that I was the only child of a man of
good fortune, who indulged me in my infancy with all the tenderness of
paternal affection; and, when I was six years old, sent me to a private
school, where I stayed till my age was doubled, and became such a
favourite, that I was, even in those early days, carried to all the
places of public diversion, the court itself not excepted, an indulgence
that flattered my love of pleasure, to which I was naturally addicted,
and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition which spring up so
early in the human mind.
“I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run riot, my heart
liberal and disinterested, though I was so obstinately attached to my
own opinions, that I could not well brook contradiction; and, in the
whole of my disposition, resembled that of Henry V., as described by
Shakespeare.
“In my thirteenth year I went to Bath, where I was first introduced
into the world as a woman, having been entitled to that privilege by my
person, which was remarkably tall for my years; and there my fancy was
quite captivated by the variety of diversions in which I was continually
engaged. Not that the parties were altogether new to me, but because I
now found myself considered as a person of consequence, and surrounded
by a crowd of admirers, who courted my acquaintance, and fed my vanity
with praise and adulation. In short, whether or not I deserved their
encomiums, I leave the world to judge; but my person was commended, and
my talent in dancing met with universal applause. No wonder, then,
that everything appeared joyous to a young creature, who was so void
of experience and dissimulation, that she believed everybody's heart as
sincere as her own, and every object such as it appeared to be.
“Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for me, were two
that bore a pretty equal share of my favour (it was too superficial to
deserve the name of love). One of these was a forward youth of sixteen,
extremely handsome, lively, and impudent. He attended in quality of page
upon the Princess Amelia, who spent that season at Bath. The other was a
Scotch nobleman turned of thirty, who was graced with a red ribbon, and
danced particularly well, two qualifications of great weight with a
girl of my age, whose heart was not deeply interested in the cause.
Nevertheless, the page prevailed over this formidable rival; though our
amour went no farther than a little flirting, and ceased entirely when I
left the place.
“Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene, and passed my
time in the same circle of amusements; in which, indeed, each season
at Bath is exactly resembled by that which succeeds, allowing for the
difference of company, which is continually varying. There I met with
the same incense, and again had my favourite, who was a North Briton,
and captain of foot, near forty years of age, and a little lame, an
impediment which I did not discover, until it was pointed out by some
of my companions, who rallied me upon my choice. He was always
cheerful, and very amorous, had a good countenance, and an excellent
understanding, possessed a great deal of art, and would have persuaded
me to marry him, had I not been restrained by the authority of my
father, whose consent was not to be obtained in favour of a man of his
fortune.
“At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made to my parents;
but as they came from people whom I did not like, I rejected them all,
being determined to refuse every man who did not make his addresses to
myself in person, because I had no notion of marrying for anything
but love. Among these formal proposers was a Scottish earl, whose
pretensions were broke off by some difference about settlements; and
the son of an English baron, with whom my father was in treaty, when
he carried me to town, on a visit to a young lady with whom I had been
intimate from my infancy. She was just delivered of her first son, for
whom we stood sponsors; so that this occasion detained us a whole month,
during which I went to a ball at court, on the Queen's birthday, and
there, for the first time, felt what love and beauty were.
“The second son of Duke H--, who had just returned from his travels, was
dancing with the princess royal, when a young lady came and desired
me to go and see a stranger, whom all the world admired. Upon which I
followed her into the circle, and observed this object of admiration. He
was dressed in a coat of white cloth, faced with blue satin, embroidered
with silver, of the same piece with his waistcoat; his fine hair hung
down his back in ringlets below his waist; his hat was laced with
silver, and garnished with a white feather; but his person beggared
description. He was tall and graceful, neither corpulent nor meagre, his
limbs finely proportioned, his countenance open and majestic, his eyes
full of sweetness and vivacity, his teeth regular, and his pouting lips
of the complexion of the damask rose. In short, he was formed for
love, and inspired it wherever he appeared; nor was he a niggard of his
talents, but liberally returned it, at least, what passed for such; for
he had a flow of gallantry, for which many ladies of this land can vouch
from their own experience. But he exclaimed against marriage, because
he had, as yet, met with no woman to whose charms he would surrender his
liberty, though a princess of France, and lady of the same rank in --,
were said to be, at that time, enamoured of his person.
“I went home, totally engrossed by his idea, flattering myself that he
had observed me with some attention; for I was young and new, and had
the good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of the queen
herself.
“Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised with the
appearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner saw me enter, than
he approached so near to the place where I sat, that I overheard what he
said to his companions; and was so happy as to find myself the object
of his discourse, which abounded with rapturous expressions of love and
admiration. I could not listen to these transports without emotion; my
colour changed, my heart throbbed with unusual violence, and my eyes
betrayed my inclination in sundry favourable glances, which he seemed to
interpret aright, though he could not then avail himself of his success,
so far as to communicate his sentiments by speech, because we were
strangers to each other.
“I passed that night in the most anxious suspense, and several days
elapsed before I saw him again. At length, however, being at court on
a ball-night, and determined against dancing, I perceived him among the
crowd, and, to my unspeakable joy, saw him advance, with my Lord P--,
who introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon found means to alter my
resolution, and I condescended to be his partner all the evening; during
which he declared his passion in the most tender and persuasive terms
that real love could dictate, or fruitful imagination invent.
“I believed his protestations, because I wished them true, and was an
unexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied with his earnest request of
being permitted to visit me, and even invited him to breakfast next
morning; so that you may imagine (I speak to those that feel) I did
not, that night, enjoy much repose. Such was the hurry and flutter of my
spirits, that I rose at six to receive him at ten. I dressed myself in
a new pink satin gown, and my best laced night-clothes, and was so
animated by the occasion that, if ever I deserved a compliment upon my
looks, it was my due at this meeting. The wished-for moment came that
brought my lover to my view. I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, and
fear of I knew not what. We sat down to breakfast, but did not eat. He
renewed his addresses with irresistible eloquence, and pressed me to
accept of his hand without further hesitation. But to such a precipitate
step I objected, as a measure repugnant to my decency, as well as to
that duty which I owed to my father, whom I tenderly loved.
“Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not attempt to
disguise the situation of my thoughts; and thus commenced a tender
correspondence, which was maintained by letters while I remained in the
country, and carried on, when I was in town, by private interviews twice
or thrice a week at the house of my milliner, where such endearments
passed as refined and happy lovers know, and others can only guess.
Truth and innocence prevailed on my side, while his heart was fraught
with sincerity and love. Such frequent intercourse created an intimacy
which I began to think dangerous, and therefore yielded to his repeated
desire that we might be united for ever. Nay, I resolved to avoid him,
until the day should be fixed, and very innocently, though not very
wisely, told him my reason for this determination, which was no other
than a consciousness of my incapacity to refuse him anything he should
demand as a testimony of my love.
“The time was accordingly appointed, at the distance of a few days,
during which I intended to have implored my father's consent, though I
had but faint hopes of obtaining it. But he was by some means or other
apprised of our design, before I could prevail upon myself to make him
acquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover at the ridotto
on the preceding evening, and there perhaps our eyes betrayed us.
Certain it is, several of Lord W--'s relations, who disapproved of the
match, came up and rallied him on his passion; Lord S--k, in particular,
used this remarkable expression, 'Nephew, as much love as you please,
but no matrimony.'”
“Next day, the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom waiting for me
at the appointed place, in all the transports of impatient expectation,
I was, without any previous warning, carried into the country by my
father, who took no notice of the intelligence he had received, but
decoyed me into the coach on pretence of taking the air; and, when we
had proceeded as far as Turnham Green, gave me to understand, that he
would dine in that place.
“There was no remedy. I was obliged to bear my disappointment, though
with an aching heart, and followed him up-stairs into an apartment,
where he told me he was minutely informed of my matrimonial scheme. I
did not attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him, while the tears
gushed from my eyes, that my want of courage alone had hindered me from
making him privy to my passion; though I owned, I should have married
Lord W--, even though he had disapproved of my choice. I reminded him of
the uneasy life I led at home, and frankly acknowledged, that I loved my
admirer too well to live without him; though, if he would favour me with
his consent, I would defer my intention, and punctually observe any day
he would fix for our nuptials. Meanwhile I begged he would permit me to
send a message to Lord W--, who was waiting in expectation of my coming,
and might, without such notice, imagine I was playing the jilt. He
granted this last request; in consequence of which I sent a letter to
my lover, who, when he received it, had almost fainted away, believing I
should be locked up in the country, and snatched for ever from his arms.
Tortured with these apprehensions, he changed clothes immediately, and,
taking horse, resolved to follow me whithersoever we should go.
“After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford, where we lay, intending
to be at my father's country house next night; and my admirer putting up
at the same inn, practised every expedient his invention could suggest
to procure an interview; but all his endeavours were unsuccessful,
because I, who little dreamed of his being so near, had gone to bed upon
our first arrival, overwhelmed with affliction and tears. In the morning
I threw myself at my father's feet, and conjured him, by all the ties
of paternal affection, to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my
admirer once more, before I should be conveyed from his wishes. The
melancholy condition in which I preferred this supplication, melted the
tender heart of my parent, who yielded to my supplications, and carried
me back to town for that purpose.
“Lord W--, who had watched our motions, and arrived at his own lodgings
before we arrived at my father's house, obeyed my summons on the
instant, and appeared before me like an angel. Our faculties were for
some minutes suspended by a conflict of grief and joy. At length I
recovered the use of speech, and gave him to understand, that I was
come to town in order to take my leave of him, by the permission of my
father, whom I had promised to attend into the country next day, before
he would consent to my return; the chief cause and pretence of which
was my earnest desire to convince him, that I was not to blame for the
disappointment he had suffered, and that I should see him again in a
month, when the nuptial knot should be tied in spite of all opposition.
“My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had wellnigh run
distracted with this information. He swore he would not leave me, until
I should promise to meet and marry him next day; or, if I refused to
grant that request, he would immediately leave the kingdom, to which he
would never more return; and, before his departure, sacrifice Lord H.
B--, son to the Duke of S. A--, who was the only person upon earth who
could have betrayed us to my father, because he alone was trusted with
the secret of our intended marriage, and had actually undertaken to give
me away; an office which he afterwards declined. Lord W-- also affirmed,
that my father decoyed me into the country with a view of cooping me up,
and sequestering me entirely from his view and correspondence.
“In vain I pleaded my father's well-known tenderness, and used all the
arguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge upon Lord
H--. He was deaf to all my representations, and nothing, I found, would
prevail upon him to suppress his resentment, but a positive promise to
comply with his former desire. I told him I would hazard everything to
make him happy; but could not, with any regard to my duty, take such a
step without the knowledge of my parent; or, if I were so inclined, it
would be impracticable to elude his vigilance and suspicion. However,
he employed such pathetic remonstrances, and retained such a powerful
advocate within my own breast, that, before we parted, I assured him my
whole power should be exerted for his satisfaction; and he signified his
resolution of sitting up all night, in expectation of seeing me at his
lodgings.
“He had no sooner retired, than I went into the next room, and
desired my father to fix a day for the marriage; in which case I would
cheerfully wait upon him into the country; whereas, should he deny
my request, on pretence of staying for the consent of my mother's
relations, which was very uncertain, I would seize the first opportunity
of marrying Lord W--, cost what it would. He consented to the match,
but would not appoint a day for the ceremony, which he proposed to defer
until all parties should be agreed; and such a favourable crisis, I
feared, would never happen.
“I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lover's expectation,
by eloping, if possible, that very night; though the execution of this
plan was extremely difficult, because my father was upon the alarm,
and my own maid, who was my bedfellow, altogether in his interest.
Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to engage one of
the housemaids in my behalf, who bespoke a hackney-coach, to be kept in
waiting all night; and to bed I went with my Abigail, whom, as I had not
closed an eye, I waked about five in the morning, and sent to pack up
some things for our intended journey.
“While she was thus employed, I got up, and huddled on my clothes,
standing upon my pillow, lest my father, who lay in the chamber below,
should hear me afoot, and suspect my design. Having dressed myself with
great despatch and disorder, I flounced downstairs, stalking as heavily
as I could tread, that he might mistake me for one of the servants; and
my confederate opening the door, I sallied out into the street, though
I knew not which way to turn; and, to my unspeakable mortification,
neither coach nor chair appeared.
“Having travelled on foot a good way, in hope of finding a convenience,
and being not only disappointed in that particular, but also bewildered
in my peregrination, I began to be exceedingly alarmed with the
apprehension of being met by some person who might know me; because in
that case, my design would undoubtedly have been discovered, from every
circumstance of my appearance at that time of day; for I had put on
the very clothes which I had pulled off overnight, so that my dress was
altogether odd and peculiar. My shoes were very fine, and over a large
hoop I wore a pink satin quilted petticoat trimmed with silver, which
was partly covered by a white dimity night-gown, a full quarter of
a yard too short; my handkerchief and apron were hurried on without
pinning; my nightcap could not contain my hair, which hung about my
ears in great disorder; and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope and
fear, joy and shame.
“In this dilemma, I made my addresses to that honourable member of
society, a shoe-black, whom I earnestly entreated to provide me with a
coach or chair, promising to reward him liberally for his trouble, but
he, having the misfortune to be lame, was unable to keep up with
my pace; so that by his advice and direction, I went into the first
public-house I found open, where I stayed some time, in the utmost
consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I thought proper to bribe
for their civility, not without the terror of being stripped. At length,
however, my messenger returned with a chair, of which I took immediate
possession; and fearing that, by this time, my family would be alarmed,
and send directly to Lord W--'s lodgings, I ordered myself to be carried
thither backwards, that so I might pass undiscovered.
“This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran upstairs, in a
state of trepidation, to my faithful lover, who waited for me with the
most impatient and fearful suspense. At sight of me his eyes lightened
with transport: he caught me in his arms, as the richest present Heaven
could bestow; gave me to understand that my father had already sent to
his lodgings in quest of me; then applauding my love and resolution in
the most rapturous terms, he ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and,
that we might run no risk of separation, attended me to church, where we
were lawfully joined in the sight of Heaven.
“His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with double
aggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the sorrow
he suffered on account of my undutiful behaviour; for I loved him with
such piety of affection, that I would have endured every other species
of distress, rather than given him the least uneasiness; but love, where
he reigns in full empire, is altogether irresistible, surmounts every
difficulty, and swallows up all other considerations. This was the case
with me; and now the irrevocable step was taken, my first care was to
avoid his sight. With this view, I begged that Lord W-- would think
of some remote place in the country, to which we might retire for the
present, and he forthwith conducted me to a house on Blackheath, where
we were very civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemed
to mistake me for one of her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived her
opinion, than I desired Lord W-- to undeceive her; upon which she was
made acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us into a
private room, where I called for pen and paper, and wrote an apology
to my father, for having acted contrary to his will in so important a
concern.
“This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand, that
there was a necessity for our being bedded immediately, in order to
render the marriage binding, lest my father should discover and part
us before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till the evening,
objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon; but he found
means to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince me that it was now
my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation of being obstinate
and refractory on the first day of my probation, I suffered myself to be
led into a chamber, which was darkened by my express stipulation, that
my shame and confusion might be the better concealed, and yielded to the
privilege of a dear husband, who loved me to adoration.
“About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner, which we
had ordered to be ready at four; but such a paltry care had been forgot
amidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got up, however, and when
we came downstairs, I was ashamed to see the light of day, or meet the
eyes of my beloved lord. I ate little, said less, was happy, though
overwhelmed with confusion, underwent a thousand agitations, some of
which were painful, but by far the greater part belonged to rapture and
delight; we were imparadised in the gratification of our mutual wishes,
and felt all that love can bestow, and sensibility enjoy.
“In the twilight we returned to Lord W--'s lodgings in town, where I
received a letter from my father, importing that he would never see me
again. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing, from
which I conceived a happy presage of his future indulgence. He had
begun with his usual appellation of 'Dear Fanny,' which, though it was
expunged to make way for the word 'Madam,' encouraged me to hope that
his paternal fondness was not yet extinguished.
“At supper we were visited by Lord W--'s younger sister, who laughed
at us for our inconsiderate match, though she owned she envied our
happiness, and offered me the use of her clothes until I could retrieve
my own. She was a woman of a great deal of humour, plain but genteel,
civil, friendly, and perfectly well bred. She favoured us with her
company till the night was pretty far advanced, and did not take her
leave till we retired to our apartment.
“As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we resolved to see
little company; but this resolution was frustrated by the numerous
acquaintance of Lord W--, who let in half the town: so that I ran the
gauntlet for a whole week among a set of wits, who always delight in
teasing a young creature of any note, when she happens to make such
a stolen match. Among those that visited us upon this occasion was my
lord's younger brother, who was at that time in keeping with a rich
heiress of masculine memory, and took that opportunity of making
a parade with his equipage, which was indeed very magnificent, but
altogether disregarded by us, whose happiness consisted in the opulence
of mutual love.
“This ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we went to wait on
his mother, the duchess of H--, who, hearing I was an heiress, readily
forgave her son for marrying without her knowledge and consent, and
favoured us with a very cordial reception; insomuch, that for several
months, we dined almost constantly at her table; and I must own, I
always found her unaltered in her civility and affection, contrary
to her general character, which was haughty and capricious. She was
undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and understanding, but subject to
an infirmity which very much impairs and disguises every other
qualification.
“In about three weeks after our marriage, I was so happy as to obtain
the forgiveness of my father, to whose house we repaired, in order
to pay our respects and submission. At sight of me he wept; nor did I
behold his tears unmoved. My heart was overcharged with tenderness and
sorrow, for having offended such an indulgent parent; so that I mingled
my tears with his, while my dear husband, whose soul was of the softest
and gentlest mould, melted with sympathy at the affecting scene. Being
thus reconciled to my father, we attended him into the country, where
we were received by my mother, who was a sensible good woman, though
not susceptible to love, and therefore less apt to excuse a weakness
to which she was an utter stranger. This was likewise the case with an
uncle, from whom I had great expectations. He was a plain good-natured
man, and treated us with great courtesy, though his notions, in point
of love, were not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless, I was,
and seemed to be so happy in my choice, that my family not only became
satisfied with the match, but exceedingly fond of Lord W--.
“After a short stay with them in the country, we returned to London, in
order to be introduced at court, and then set out for the north, on a
visit to my brother-in-law the duke of H--, who had, by a letter to Lord
W--, invited us to his habitation. My father accordingly equipped us
with horses and money; for our own finances were extremely slender,
consisting only of a small pension, allowed by his grace, upon whom
the brothers were entirely dependent, the father having died suddenly,
before suitable provision could be made for his younger children.
“When I took leave of my relations, bidding adieu to my paternal home,
and found myself launching into a world of care and trouble, though the
voyage on which I embarked was altogether voluntary, and my companion
the person on whom I doted to distraction,--I could not help feeling
some melancholy sensations, which, however, in a little time, gave way
to a train of more agreeable ideas. I was visited in town by almost
all the women of fashion, many of whom, I perceived, envied me the
possession of a man who had made strange havoc among their hearts, and
some of them knew the value of his favour. One in particular endeavoured
to cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard; but I thought
proper to discourage her advances, by keeping within the bounds of bare
civility; and, indeed, to none of them was I lavish of my complaisance;
for I dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection, who
engrossed my wishes to such a degree, that, although I was never
jealous, because I had no reason to be so, I envied the happiness of
every woman whom he chanced at any time to hand into a coach.
“The duchess of --, who was newly married to the earl of P--, a
particular friend of Lord W--'s, carried me to court, and presented
me to the queen, who expressed her approbation of my person in very
particular terms, and, observing the satisfaction that appeared in
my countenance, with marks of admiration, desired her ladies to take
notice, how little happiness depended upon wealth, since there was more
joy in my face than in all her court besides.
“Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes, which
her Majesty seemed to behold with pleasure; for she frequently repeated
the remark, and showed me to all the foreigners of distinction, with
many gracious expressions of favour. She wished Lord W-- happiness
instead of joy, and was pleased to promise, that she would provide for
her pretty beggars. And poor enough we certainly were in every article
but love. Nevertheless, we felt no necessities, but passed the summer
in a variety of pleasures and parties; the greatest part of which were
planned by Lord W--'s sister and another lady, who was at that time
mistress to the prime minister. The first was a wit, but homely in
person; the other a woman of great beauty and masculine understanding;
and a particular friendship subsisted between them, though they were
both lovers of power and admiration.
“This lady, who sat at the helm, was extremely elegant, as well
as expensive in her diversions, in many of which we bore a share,
particularly in her parties upon the water, which were contrived in all
the magnificence of taste. In the course of these amusements, a trifling
circumstance occurred, which I shall relate as an instance of that
jealous sensibility which characterised Lord W--'s disposition. A large
company of ladies and gentlemen having agreed to dine at Vauxhall, and
sup at Marble-hall, where we proposed to conclude the evening with a
dance, one barge being insufficient to contain the whole company, we
were divided by lots; in consequence of which, my husband and I were
parted. This separation was equally mortifying to us both, who, though
married, were still lovers; and my chagrin increased when I perceived
that I was doomed to sit by Sir W. Y--, a man of professed gallantry;
for, although Lord W-- had, before his marriage, made his addresses to
every woman he saw, I knew very well he did not desire that any person
should make love to his wife.
“That I might not, therefore, give umbrage, by talking to this gallant,
I conversed with a Scotch nobleman, who, according to common report, had
formerly sighed among my admirers. By these means, in seeking to avoid
one error, I unwittingly plunged myself into a greater, and disobliged
Lord W-- so much, that he could not conceal his displeasure; nay, so
deeply was he offended at my conduct, that, in the evening, when the
ball began, he would scarce deign to take me by the hand in the course
of dancing, and darted such unkind looks, as pierced me to the very
soul. What augmented my concern, was my ignorance of the trespass I had
committed. I was tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections; I began to
fear that I had mistaken his temper, and given my heart to a man who was
tired of possession; though I resolved to bear without complaining the
misfortune I had entailed upon myself.
“I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and thereby
discovered the cause of his chagrin; but, as there was no time for
expostulation, the misunderstanding continued on his side, with such
evident marks of uneasiness, that every individual of the company made
up to me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder; so that I was
fain to amuse their concern, by saying, that he had been ill the day
before, and dancing did not agree with his constitution. So much was he
incensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct, which was void of
all intention to offend him, that he determined to be revenged on me
for my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing to sit between two very
handsome ladies, one of whom is lately dead, and the other, at present,
my neighbour in the country, he affected an air of gaiety, and openly
coquetted with them both.
“This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent wife. In
the course of our entertainment, we engaged in some simple diversion,
in consequence of which the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies;
when Lord W--, in performing this command, unkindly neglected me in my
turn; I had occasion for all my discretion and pride, to conceal
from the company the agonies I felt at this mark of indifference and
disrespect. However, I obtained the victory over myself, and pretended
to laugh at his husband-like behaviour, while the tears stood in my eyes
and my heart swelled even to bursting.
“We broke up about five, after having spent the most tedious evening I
had ever known; and this offended lover went to bed in a state of sullen
silence and disgust. Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation, I
thought myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice, that
I could not prevail upon myself to demand a conference, till after his
first nap, when my pride giving way to my tenderness, I clasped him in
my arms, though he pretended to discourage these advances of my love. I
asked how he could be so unjust as to take umbrage at my civility to
a man whom he knew I had refused for his sake; I chid him for his
barbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy, and used such irresistible
arguments in my own vindication, that he was convinced of my innocence,
scaled my acquittal with a kind embrace, and we mutually enjoyed the
soft transports of a fond reconciliation.
“Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved, than that which
glowed within our breasts. Far from being cloyed with the possession of
each other, our raptures seemed to increase with the term of our union.
When we were separated, though but for a few hours, by the necessary
avocations of life, we were unhappy during that brief separation, and
met again like lovers, who knew no joy but in one another's presence.
How many delicious evenings did we spend together, in our little
apartment, after we had ordered the candles to be taken away, that we
might enjoy the agreeable reflection of the moon in a fine summer's
evening! Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the mind to
peace and benevolence; but when improved with conversation of the man
one loves, it fills the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight! For
my own part, I can safely say, my heart was so wholly engrossed by my
husband, that I never took pleasure in any diversion where he was not
personally concerned; nor was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant to
my duty and my love.
“In the autumn, we set out for the north, and were met on the road by
the duke and twenty gentlemen, who conducted us to H--n, where we lived
in all imaginable splendour. His grace, at that time, maintained above
a hundred servants, with a band of music, which always performed at
dinner, kept open table, and was visited by a great deal of company. The
economy of his house was superintended by his eldest sister, a beautiful
young lady of an amiable temper, with whom I soon contracted an intimate
friendship. She and the duke used to rally me upon my fondness for Lord
W--, who was a sort of humourist, and apt to be in a pet, in which
case he would leave the company and go to bed by seven o'clock in the
evening. On these occasions, I always disappeared, giving up every
consideration to that of pleasing my husband, notwithstanding the
ridicule of his relations, who taxed me with having spoiled him with
too much indulgence. But how could I express too much tenderness and
condescension for a man, who doted upon me to such excess, that,
when business obliged him to leave me, he always snatched the first
opportunity to return, and often rode through darkness, storms, and
tempests to my arms?
“Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found myself in a
fair way of being a mother, and that I might be near my own relations
in such an interesting situation, I and my dear companion departed
from H--n, not without great reluctance; for I was fond of the Scots in
general, who treated me with great hospitality and respect; and to this
day, they paid me the compliment of saying, I was one of the best wives
in that country which is so justly celebrated for good women.
“Lord W-- having attended me to my father's house, was obliged to
return to Scotland, to support his interest in being elected member of
Parliament; so that he took his leave of me, with a full resolution of
seeing me again before the time of my lying-in; and all the comfort
I enjoyed in his absence, was the perusal of his letters, which I
punctually received, together with those of his sister, who, from time
to time, favoured me with assurances of his constancy and devotion.
Indeed, these testimonials were necessary to one of my disposition; for
I was none of those who could be contented with half a heart. I could
not even spare one complacent look to any other woman, but expected
the undivided homage of his love. Had I been disappointed in this
expectation, I should, though a wife, have rebelled or died.
“Meanwhile my parents treated me with great tenderness, intending that
Lord W-- should be settled in a house of his own, and accommodated with
my fortune, and his expectations from the queen were very sanguine, when
I was taken ill, and delivered of a dead child, an event which affected
me extremely. When I understood the extent of my misfortune, my heart
throbbed with such violence, that my breast could scarce contain it;
and my anxiety, being aggravated by the absence of my lord, produced a
dangerous fever, of which he was no sooner apprised by letter, than he
came post from Scotland; but, before his arrival, I was supposed to be
in a fair way.
“During this journey, he was tortured with all that terrible suspense
which prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing that
which is most dear to them; and, when he entered the house, was so much
overwhelmed with apprehension, that he durst not inquire about the state
of my health. As for my part, I never closed an eye from the time on
which I expected his return; and, when I heard his voice, I threw open
my curtains, and sat up in the bed to receive him, though at the hazard
of my life. He ran towards me with all the eagerness of passion, and
clasped me in his arms; he kneeled by the bedside, and kissed my hand
a thousand times, and wept with transports of tenderness and joy.
In short, this meeting was so pathetic as to overcome my enfeebled
constitution, and we were parted by those who were wiser than ourselves,
and saw that nothing was so proper for us as a little repose.
“But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied happiness
to excess of misery which I now sustained! My month was hardly up, when
my dear husband was taken ill; perhaps the fatigue of body, as well as
mind, which he had undergone on my account, occasioned a fatal ferment
in his blood, and his health fell a sacrifice to his love. Physicians
were called from London, but alas! they brought no hopes of his
recovery. By their advice, he was removed to town, for the convenience
of being punctually attended. Every moment was too precious to be thrown
away; he was therefore immediately put into the coach, though the day
was far spent; and I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him in the
journey, which was performed by the light of flambeaus, and rendered
unspeakingly shocking by the dismal apprehension of losing him every
moment.
“At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Pall Mall, where I
lay by him on the floor, and attended the issue of his distemper in all
the agonies of horror and despair. In a little time his malady
settled upon his brain, and, in his delirium, he uttered such dreadful
exclamations, as were sufficient to pierce the most savage heart. What
effect then must they have had on mine, which was fraught with every
sentiment of the most melting affection! It was not a common grief that
took possession of my soul; I felt all the aggravation of the most acute
distress. I sometimes ran down the street in a fit of distraction: I
sent for the doctors every minute: I wearied Heaven with my prayers;
even now my heart aches at the remembrance of what I suffered, and I
cannot, without trembling, proceed with the woeful story.
“After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the use of speech,
and called upon my name, which he had a thousand times repeated while he
was bereft of reason. All hopes of his life were now relinquished, and
I was led to his bedside to receive his last adieus, being directed to
summon all my fortitude, and suppress my sorrow, that he might not be
disturbed by my agitation. I collected all my resolution to support me
in this affecting scene. I saw my dear lord in extremity. The beauties
of his youth were all decayed; yet his eyes, though languid, retained
unspeakable sweetness and expression. He felt his end approaching, put
forth his hand, and, with a look full of complacency and benevolence,
uttered such a tender tale--good Heaven! how had I deserved such
accumulated affliction, the bare remembrance of which now melts me into
tears? Human nature could not undergo my situation without suffering an
ecstasy of grief. I clasped him in my arms, and kissed him a thousand
times, with the most violent emotions of woe; but I was torn from his
embrace, and in a little time he was ravished for ever from my view.
“On that fatal morning, which put a period to his life, I saw the
duchess of L-- approach my bed, and, from her appearance, concluded that
he was no more; yet I begged she would not confirm the unhappy presage
by announcing his death; and she accordingly preserved the most emphatic
silence. I got up, and trod softly over his head, as if I had been
afraid of interrupting his repose. Alas! he was no longer sensible of
such disturbance. I was seized with a stupefaction of sorrow; I threw
up the window and, looking around, thought the sun shone with the most
dismal aspect; everything was solitary, cheerless, and replete with
horror.
“In this condition I was, by the direction of my friend, conveyed to
her house, where my faculties were so overpowered by the load of anguish
which oppressed me, that I know not what passed during the first days of
my unhappy widowhood; this only I know, the kind duchess treated me with
all imaginable care and compassion, and carried me to her country house,
where I stayed some months; during which, she endeavoured to comfort
me with all the amusements she could invent, and laid me under
such obligations as shall never be erased from my remembrance. Yet,
notwithstanding all her care and concern, I was, by my excess of grief,
plunged into a languishing distemper, for which my physicians advised me
to drink the Bath waters.
“In compliance with this prescription, I went thither towards the end of
summer, and found some benefit by adhering to their directions. Though
I seldom went abroad, except when I visited my sister-in-law, who was
there with the princess; and, upon these occasions, I never failed to
attract the notice of the company, who were struck with the appearance
of such a young creature in weeds. Nor was I free from the persecution
of professed admirers; but, being dead to all joy, I was deaf to the
voice of adulation.
“About Christmas I repaired to my father's house, where my sorrows were
revived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear lamented lord.
But these melancholy reflections I was obliged to bear, because I had
no other home or habitation, being left an unprovided widow, altogether
dependent on the affection of my own family. During this winter, divers
overtures were made to my father by people who demanded me in marriage;
but my heart was not yet sufficiently weaned from my former passion to
admit the thoughts of another master. Among those that presented their
proposals was a certain young nobleman, who, upon the first news of Lord
W--'s death, came post from Paris, in order to declare his passion. He
made his first appearance in a hired chariot-and-six, accompanied by a
big fat fellow, whom (as I afterwards learned) he had engaged to sound
his praises, with a promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu of which he
paid him forty. Whether it was with a view of screening himself from the
cold, or of making a comfortable medium in case of being overturned, and
falling under his weighty companion, I know not; but, certain it is, the
carriage was stuffed with hay, in such a manner, that, when he arrived,
the servants were at some pains in rummaging and removing it, before
they could come at their master, or help him to alight. When he was
lifted out of the chariot, he exhibited a very ludicrous figure to the
view. He was a thin, meagre, shivering creature, of a low stature, with
little black eyes, a long nose, sallow complexion, and pitted with
the smallpox; dressed in a coat of light brown frieze, lined with
pink-coloured shag, a monstrous solitaire and bag, and, if I remember
right, a pair of huge jack-boots. In a word, his whole appearance was
so little calculated for inspiring love, that I had, on the strength of
seeing him once before at Oxford, set him down as the last man on earth
whom I would choose to wed; and I will venture to affirm, that he was in
every particular the reverse of my late husband.
“As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening, and left his
errand with my mother, to whom he was as disagreeable as to myself; so
that his proposal was absolutely rejected, and I heard no more of him
during the space of three whole months, at the expiration of which I
went to town, where this mortifying figure presented itself again, and
renewed his suit, offering such advantageous terms of settlement, that
my father began to relish the match, and warmly recommended it to my
consideration.
“Lord W--'s relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of making
myself independent. All my acquaintance plied me with arguments to the
same purpose. I was uneasy at home, and indifferent to all mankind. I
weighed the motives with the objections, and with reluctance yielded to
the importunity of my friends. In consequence of this determination,
the little gentleman was permitted to visit me; and the manner of his
address did not alter the opinion I had conceived of his character and
understanding. I was even shocked at the prospect of marrying a man whom
I could not love; and, in order to disburden my own conscience, took
an opportunity of telling him, one evening, as we sat opposite to
each other, that it was not in my power to command my affection, and
therefore he could not expect the possession of my heart, Lord W--'s
indulgence having spoiled me for a wife; nevertheless, I would endeavour
to contract a friendship for him, which would entirely depend upon his
own behaviour.
“To this declaration he replied, to my great surprise, that he did
not desire me to love him; my friendship was sufficient; and next
day repeated this strange instance of moderation in a letter, which I
communicated to my sister, who laughed heartily at the contents, and
persuaded me, that since I could love no man, he was the properest
person to be my husband.
“Accordingly, the wedding clothes and equipage being prepared, the
day--the fatal day--was fixed; on the morning of which I went to the
house of my brother-in-law, duke H--, who loved me tenderly, and took my
leave of the family, a family which I shall always remember with love,
honour, and esteem. His grace received me in the most affectionate
manner, saying at parting, 'Lady W--, if he does not use you well, I
will take you back again.'”
“The bridegroom and I met at Ox-- Chapel, where the ceremony was
performed by the bishop of W--, in presence of his lordship's mother, my
father, and another lady. The nuptial knot being tied, we set out for
my father's house in the country, and proceeded full twenty miles on
our journey before my lord opened his mouth, my thoughts having been all
that time employed on something quite foreign to my present situation;
for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen. At length my father broke
silence, and clapping his lordship on the shoulder, told him he was but
a dull bridegroom; upon which my lord gave him to understand that he was
out of spirits. This dejection continued all the day, notwithstanding
the refreshment of a plentiful dinner which he ate upon the road; and
in the evening we arrived at the place of our destination, where we were
kindly received by my mother, though she had no liking to the match;
and, after supper, we retired to our apartment.
“It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeable
contrast between my present helpmate and my former lord. Instead of
flying to my arms with all the eagerness of love and rapture, this manly
representative sat moping in a corner, like a criminal on execution day,
and owned he was ashamed to bed with a woman whose hand he had scarce
ever touched.
“I could not help being affected with this pusillanimous behaviour. I
remembered Lord W--, while I surveyed the object before me, and made
such a comparison as filled me with horror and disgust: nay, to such a
degree did my aversion to this phantom prevail, that I began to sweat
with anguish at the thought of being subjected to his pleasure; and
when, after a long hesitation, he ventured to approach me, I trembled
as if I had been exposed to the embraces of a rattlesnake. Nor did the
efforts of his love diminish this antipathy. His attempts were like
the pawings of an imp, sent from hell to seize and torment some guilty
wretch, such as are exhibited in some dramatic performance, which I have
never seen acted without remembering my wedding-night. By such shadowy,
unsubstantial, vexatious behaviour was I tantalized, and robbed of my
repose; and early next morning I got up, with a most sovereign contempt
for my bedfellow, who indulged himself in bed till eleven.
“Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with him to his
house at Twickenham, and soon after we were presented at court, when the
queen was pleased to say to my lord's mother, she did not doubt that
we should be a happy couple, for I had been a good wife to my former
husband.
“Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse, he was
not wanting in point of liberality. I was presented with a very fine
chariot, studded with silver nails, and such a profusion of jewels as
furnished a joke to some of my acquaintance, who observed, that I
was formerly queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into the queen of
diamonds. I now also had an opportunity, which I did not let slip, of
paying Lord W--'s debts from my privy purse; and on that score received
the thanks of his elder brother, who, though he had undertaken to
discharge them, delayed the execution of his purpose longer than I
thought they should remain unpaid. This uncommon splendour attracted the
eyes and envy of my competitors, who were the more implacable in their
resentments, because, notwithstanding my marriage, I was as much as
ever followed by the men of gallantry and pleasure, among whom it is
a constant maxim, that a woman never withholds her affections from her
husband, without an intention to bestow them somewhere else. I never
appeared without a train of admirers, and my house in the country was
always crowded with gay young men of quality.
“Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill and
assiduity, were the Earl C-- and Mr. S---, brother to Lord F--. The
former of whom, in the course of his addresses, treated me with an
entertainment of surprising magnificence, disposed into a dinner,
supper, and ball, to which I, at his desire, invited eleven ladies, whom
he paired with the like number of his own sex; so that the whole company
amounted to twenty-four. We were regaled with a most elegant dinner, in
an apartment which was altogether superb, and served by gentlemen
only, no livery servant being permitted to come within the door. In the
afternoon we embarked in two splendid barges, being attended by a band
of music in a third; and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the river
till the twilight, when we returned and began the ball, which was
conducted with such order and taste, that mirth and good-humour
prevailed. No dissatisfaction appeared, except in the countenance of one
old maid, since married to a son of the duke of --, who though she would
not refuse to partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was displeased
that I should have the honour of inviting her. O baleful Envy! thou
self-tormenting fiend! how dost thou predominate in all assemblies, from
the grand gala of a court, to the meeting of simple peasants at their
harvest-home! Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion to be
wondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and vanity of our sex.
The presence of one favourite man shall poison the enjoyment of a whole
company, and produce the most rancorous enmity betwixt the closest
friends.
“I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all the artillery of
his eloquence in making love; yet I did not listen to his addresses, for
he was not to my taste, though he possessed an agreeable person, and a
good acquired understanding; but he was utterly ignorant of that gentle
prevailing art which I afterwards experienced in Mr. S---, and which was
the only method he could have successfully practised in seducing a young
woman like me, born with sentiments of honour, and trained up in the
paths of religion and virtue. This young gentleman was indeed absolutely
master of those insinuating qualifications which few women of passion
and sensibility can resist; and had a person every way adapted for
profiting by these insidious talents. He was well acquainted with the
human heart, conscious of his own power and capacity, and exercised
these endowments with unwearied perseverance. He was tall and thin, of a
shape and size perfectly agreeable to my taste, with large blue eloquent
eyes, good teeth, and a long head turned to gallantry. His behaviour was
the standard of politeness, and all his advances were conducted with the
most profound respect; which is the most effectual expedient a man can
use against us, if he can find means to persuade us that it proceeds
from the excess and delicacy of his passion. It is no other than
a silent compliment, by which our accomplishments are continually
flattered and pleases in proportion to the supposed understanding of
him who pays it.
“By these arts and advantages this consummate politician in love
began by degrees to sap the foundation of my conjugal faith: he stole
imperceptibly into my affection, and by dint of opportunity, which he
well knew how to improve, triumphed at last over all his rivals.
“Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C--. That
nobleman was also rivalled by Lord C. H--, a Scotchman, who had been an
intimate and relation of my former husband. Him I would have preferred
to most of his competitors, and actually coquetted with him for some
time: but the amour was interrupted by his going to Ireland; upon which
occasion, understanding that he was but indifferently provided with
money, I made him a present of a gold snuff-box, in which was enclosed
a bank-note; a trifling mark of my esteem, which he afterwards justified
by the most grateful, friendly, and genteel behaviour; and as we
corresponded by letters, I frankly told him, that Mr. S--- had stepped
in, and won the palm from all the rest of my admirers.
“This new favourite's mother and sister, who lived in the neighbourhood,
were my constant companions; and, in consequence of this intimacy, he
never let a day pass without paying his respects to me in person; nay,
so ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his suit, that
whether I rode or walked, went abroad or stayed at home, he was always
of course one of the party; so that his design seemed to engross his
whole vigilance and attention. Thus he studied my disposition, and
established himself in my good opinion at the same time. He found my
heart was susceptible of every tender impression, and saw that I was not
free from the vanity of youth; he had already acquired my friendship
and esteem, from which he knew there was a short and easy transition to
love. By his penetration choosing proper seasons for the theme, he urged
it with such pathetic vows and artful adulation, as well might captivate
a young woman of my complexion and experience, and circumstanced as I
was, with a husband whom I had such reason to despise.
“Though he thus made an insensible progress in my heart, he did not find
my virtue an easy conquest; and I myself was ignorant of the advantage
he had gained with regard to my inclinations, until I was convinced of
his success by an alarm of jealousy which I one day felt, at seeing him
engaged in conversation with another lady. I forthwith recognized this
symptom of love, with which I had been formerly acquainted, and trembled
at the discovery of my own weakness. I underwent a strange agitation
and mixture of contrary sensations. I was pleased with the passion,
yet ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind. The rights of a husband,
though mine was but a nominal one, occurred to my reflection, and
virtue, modesty, and honour, forbade me to cherish the guilty flame.
“When I encouraged these laudable scruples, and resolved to sacrifice
my love to duty and reputation, my lord was almost every day employed
in riding post to my father, with complaints of my conduct, which
was hitherto irreproachable; though the greatest grievance which he
pretended to have suffered was my refusing to comply with his desire,
when he entreated me to lie, a whole hour every morning, with my neck
uncovered, that, by gazing, he might quiet the perturbation of his
spirits. From this request you may judge of the man, as well as of the
regard I must entertain for his character and disposition.
“During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer, and in the
autumn set out with my lord for Bath, where, by reason of the intimacy
that subsisted between our families, we lived in the same house with
my lover and his sister, who, with another agreeable young lady,
accompanied us in this expedition. By this time Mr. S-- had extorted
from me a confession of a mutual flame, though I assured him that
it should never induce me to give up the valuable possession of an
unspotted character, and a conscience void of offence. I offered him
all the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved intercourse of souls,
abstracted from any sensual consideration. He eagerly embraced the
platonic proposal, because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issue
of such chimerical contracts, and knew me too well to think he could
accomplish his purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my own terms, and
cultivating my tenderness under the specious pretext.
“In consequence of this agreement, we took all opportunities of seeing
each other in private; and these interviews were spent in mutual
protestations of disinterested love. This correspondence, though
dangerous, was, on my side, equally innocent and endearing; and many
happy hours we passed, before my sentiments were discovered. At length
my lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst out beyond the
power of concealment; my grief and anxiety became so conspicuous in my
countenance, and my behaviour was so indiscreet, that everybody in the
house perceived the situation of my thoughts, and blamed my conduct
accordingly.
“Certain it is, I was extremely imprudent, though intentionally
innocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord, who teased and tormented
me for that which neither I could give nor he could take, and ruminated
on the fatal consequences of this unhappy flame, until I was worked into
a fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety but in flight, and often
determined to banish myself for ever from the sight of this dangerous
intruder. But my resolution always failed at the approach of day, and
my desire of seeing him as constantly recurred. So far was I from
persisting in such commendable determinations, that, on the eve of
our departure from Bath, I felt the keenest pangs of sorrow at
our approaching separation; and, as we could not enjoy our private
interviews at my house in town, I promised to visit him at his own
apartments, after he had sworn by all that's sacred, that he would
take no sinister advantage of my condescension, by presuming upon the
opportunities I should give.
“He kept his word, for he saw I trusted to it with fear and trembling,
and perceived that my apprehension was not affected, but the natural
concern of a young creature, distracted between love and duty, whom, had
he alarmed, he would never had seen within his doors again. Instead of
pressing me with solicitations in favour of his passion, he was more
than ever respectful and complaisant; so that I found myself disengaged
of all restraint, conducted the conversation, shortened and repeated my
visits at my own pleasure, till at last I became so accustomed to this
communication, that his house was as familiar to me as my own.
“Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence, he resumed the
favourite topic of love, and, warming my imagination by gradual advances
on the subject, my heart began to pant; when he saw me thus moved, he
snatched the favourable occasion to practise all his eloquence and art.
I could not resist his energy nor even fly from the temptation that
assailed me, until he had obtained a promise that he should, at our
next meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious expectation. Upon this
condition, I was permitted to retire, and blessed heaven for my escape,
fully determined to continue in the path of virtue I had hitherto trod,
and stifle the criminal flame by which my peace and reputation were
endangered. But his idea, which reigned in my heart without control,
soon baffled all these prudent suggestions.
“I saw him again; and he reminded me of my promise, which I endeavoured
to evade with affected pleasantry, upon which he manifested the utmost
displeasure and chagrin, shedding some crocodile tears, and upbraided
me with levity and indifference. He observed, that he had solicited my
favour for ten long months without intermission, and imagined I had held
out so long on virtuous motives only; but now he could plainly perceive
that his want of success had been owing to my want of affection, and
that all my professions were insincere. In a word, he persuaded me
that his remonstrances were just and reasonable. I could not see the
affliction of a man I loved, when I knew it was in my power to remove
it; and, rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and love, I
consented to his wish. My heart now flutters at the remembrance of the
dear though fatal indiscretion; yet I reflect without remorse, and even
remember it with pleasure.
“If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was resolved to bear
it without repining; and sure the guilt, if there was any in my conduct,
was but venial; for I considered myself as a person absolved of all
matrimonial ties, by the insignificance of Lord ----, who, though a
nominal husband, was in fact a mere nonentity. I therefore contracted
a new engagement with my lover, to which I resolved to adhere with the
most scrupulous fidelity, without the least intention of injuring my
lord or his relations; for, had our mutual passion produced any visible
effects, I would immediately have renounced and abandoned my husband for
ever, that the fruit of my love for Mr. S-- might not have inherited,
to the detriment of the right heir. This was my determination, which
I thought just, if not prudent; and for which I have incurred the
imputation of folly, in the opinion of this wise and honest generation,
by whose example and advice I have, since that time, been a little
reformed in point of prudentials, though I still retain a strong
tendency to return to my primitive way of thinking.
“When I quitted Mr. S--, after the sacrifice I had made, and returned to
my own bed, it may, perhaps, be supposed that I slept but little. True:
I was kept awake by the joyful impatience of revisiting my lover. Indeed
I neglected no opportunity of flying to his arms. When Lord -- was in
the country, we enjoyed each other's company without interruption;
but when he resided in town, our correspondence was limited to stolen
interviews, which were unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presided
at the entertainment.
“Such was my happiness in the course of this tender communication, that
to this day I remember it with pleasure, though it has cost me dear in
the sequel, and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable expense; for
I devoted myself so entirely to my lover, who was desirous of engrossing
my time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, which was very numerous,
justly accused me of neglect, and of consequence cooled in their
friendships; but I was 'all for love, or the world well lost;' and were
the same opportunity to offer, I would act the same conduct over again.
“Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice with such
violence of affection. But all such observers must be unacquainted with
the human heart. Mine was naturally adapted for the tender passions, and
had been so fortunate, so cherished in its first impressions, that it
felt with joy the same sensations revive, when influenced by the same
engaging qualifications. Certain it is, I loved the second time as well
as the first, and better was impossible. I gave up my all for both:
fortune and my father's favour for the one; reputation, friends, and
fortune for the other. Yet, notwithstanding this intimate connection,
I did not relinquish the world all at once; on the contrary, I still
appeared at court, and attracted the notice and approbation of my royal
patroness; I danced with the P-- of W--; a circumstance which so nearly
affected Mr. S--, who was present, that, in order to manifest his
resentment, he chose the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner; and
I no sooner perceived his uneasiness, than I gave over, with a view of
appeasing his displeasure.
“Without repeating particular circumstances, let it suffice to say, our
mutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted between
me and my dear Lord W--. It was jealous, melting and delicate, and
chequered with little accident, which serve to animate and maintain
the flame, in its first ardency of rapture. When my lover was sick,
I attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness and care; and
during an indisposition, which I caught in the performance of this
agreeable office, he discharged the obligation with all the warmth of
sympathy and love.
“It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians, that I should use
the Bath waters for the recovery of my health; and I set out for that
place, glad of a pretence to be absent from Lord ----, with whom I lived
on very unhappy terms. He had, about nine months after our marriage,
desired that we might sleep in separate beds, and gave a very whimsical
reason for this proposal. He said, the immensity of his love deprived
him of the power of gratification, and that some commerce with an
object, to which his heart was not attached, might, by diminishing the
transports of his spirits, recompose his nerves, and enable him to enjoy
the fruits of his good fortune.
“You may be sure I made no objection to this plan, which was immediately
put into execution. He made his addresses to a nymph of Drury Lane,
whose name, as he told me, was Mrs. Rock. She made shift to extract some
money from her patient; but his infirmity was beyond the power of her
art, though she made some mischief between us; and I communicated my
suspicion to the duke of H--, who intended to have expostulated with her
upon the subject; but she got intimation of his design, and saved him
the trouble by a precipitate retreat.
“After my return from Bath, where Mr. S-- and I had lived happily, until
we were interrupted by the arrival of my husband, his lordship expressed
an inclination to be my bedfellow again. In this particular I desired to
be excused. I would not be the first to propose the separation, which,
though usual in other countries, is contrary to the custom of England,
being unwilling to furnish the least handle for censure, as my character
was still unblemished; yet, when the proposal came from him, I thought
myself entitled to refuse a reunion; to which I accordingly objected.
“This opposition produced a quarrel, which rose to a state of perpetual
animosity; so that we began to talk of parting. My lord relished the
expedient, agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year to my pin-money,
which, by the bye, was never paid; and I renounced all state and
grandeur, to live in a small house that I hired at Carshalton, where I
passed my time for two months, in the most agreeable retirement, with my
dear lover. At length I was disturbed by the intrusion of my lord, who
molested me with visits and solicitations to return, pretending that he
had changed his mind, and insisting upon my compliance with his desire.
“I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request; but he
persecuted me without ceasing. So that I was fain to capitulate, on
condition that he should immediately set out for France; and that he
should not presume to approach my bed till our arrival at Calais. We
accordingly departed for that kingdom; and, far from infringing the
least article of our treaty, his lordship did not insist upon his
privilege before we reached the capital of France.
“Meanwhile, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a very
interesting manner, and communicated my discovery to the dear author of
it, who would not leave me in such an affecting situation, but took the
first opportunity of following us to France.
“In our road to Paris, we stopped to visit Chantilly, a magnificent
chateau belonging to the prince of Conde, and there met by accident with
some English noblemen, to whom I was known. The prince and his
sisters invited me very politely into the gallery where they sat. They
complimented me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress, which was
altogether new to them, being a blue English riding-habit, trimmed with
gold, and a hat with a feather. They were particularly well pleased with
my hair which hung down to my waist, and pressed me to stay a fortnight
at their house; an invitation which I was very much mortified at
being obliged to refuse, because my lord did not understand the French
language. I was enchanted with the place and the company, the women
being amiable, and the men polite; nor were they strangers to my name
and story; for Mr. S-- calling at the same place a few days after, they
rallied him on my account.
“When we arrived at Paris, the first thing I did was to metamorphose
myself into a Frenchwoman. I cut off my hair, hid a very good complexion
of my own with rouge, reconciled myself to powder, which I had never
used before, put on a robe with a large hoop, and went to the Tuileries,
full of spirits and joy; for, at that time, everything conspired to make
me happy. I had health, youth, and beauty, love, vanity, and affluence,
and found myself surrounded with diversions which were gay, new, and
agreeable. My appearance drew upon me the eyes of the whole company,
who considered me a stranger, but not a foreigner, so completely was I
equipped in the fashion of the French; and when they understood who I
was, they applauded my person with the most lavish encomiums, according
to their known politeness.
“After having made a circuit round all the public places of
entertainment in Paris, I was introduced into the company by an English
family, residing in that city; and, among others, became acquainted with
a French lady, whose charms were remarkably attractive. The duke of K--
was her admirer; but she lived in reputation with her mother, and an
agreeable sister, whose lover was the prince of C--, for almost every
lady in France has her aimant.
“With this charming woman, whose name was Madame de la T--, I often made
parties of pleasure. The duke, Mr. S--, she, and I, used to meet in the
Bois de Boulogne, which is a pleasant wood, at a small distance from
Paris, whither the company repairs in the summer season for the benefit
of the air; and, after having amused ourselves among the groves,
embarked in his grace's equipage, which was extremely elegant, being a
calash drawn by six fine long-tailed greys, adorned with ribbons, in the
French taste; and thus we were conducted to a little enchanted, or at
least enchanting, palace, possessed by the duke, at one end of the town.
The lower apartment, appropriated to me, was furnished with yellow and
silver, the bed surrounded with looking-glasses, and the door opened
into the garden, laid out in a cradle walk, and intervening parterres of
roses and other flowers. Above-stairs, my female companion lodged in
a chamber furnished with chintz. We supped all together in the saloon,
which, though small, was perfectly elegant. The company was always
good-humoured, the conversation sprightly and joyous, and the scene,
though often repeated, still delightful and entertaining.
“At other times, Mr. S-- and I used to pass our evenings at the palace
of the prince of C--, which his highness lent us for our accommodation.
The apartments opened into the gardens of the Luxembourg, and were, in
point of magnificence, suitable to the owner. Thither I used to repair
in a flaming equipage, on pretence of visiting, and spent the best part
of the night with him who was dearer to me than all the princes in the
world.
“While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties, my little lord
was employed in his efforts to recover his health by restoratives, and
I know not what; for he still lamented the enfeebling effects of his
passion, and complained that he loved me more like an angel than a
woman, though he strove to govern his affections according to the
doctrines of the Christian religion, as he regulated his life by the
maxims of Charles the Twelfth of Sweden. The meaning of this declaration
I could never learn; and, indeed, I have been often tempted to believe
he had no meaning at all.
“Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing, and my
situation extremely uneasy, on account of the perpetual wrangling which
prevailed between us, in consequence of his desiring to sleep with me
again, after we had parted beds for the second time; and, that I might
no longer be exposed to such disagreeable persecutions, I resolved to
leave him, though at the hazard of my life.
“Thus determined, I went to the British ambassador, in a hackney-coach;
and, in order to disguise my youth, which might have prepossessed him
against my judgment, muffled myself up in a black hood, which, as he
said, instead of lending an air of gravity to my countenance, added a
wildness to my looks, which was far from being disagreeable. He had
been a gallant man in his youth, and even then, though well stricken
in years, was not insensible to the power of beauty. This disposition,
perhaps, rendered him more favourable to my cause, though he first
advised me to return to my husband; but finding me obstinate, he
undertook to serve me in my own way, and procured a protection from the
French king, by virtue of which I could live at Paris unmolested by my
lord. Nevertheless, he advised me, if I was determined to leave him, to
make the best of my way to England and sue for a divorce. I relished his
opinion, and concealed myself about three days in Paris, during which I
borrowed some linen; for, as it was impossible to convey anything out
of my own house without suspicion, I had neither clothes for my
accommodation, nor a servant to wait on me.
“In this solitary condition, I took the road to Flanders, after I had
put my lord upon a wrong scent, by writing a letter to him, dated at
Calais, and travelled through an unknown country, without any other
attendant than the postillion, being subjected to this inconvenience by
the laws of France, which are so severe in some particulars, that, if
any person had been apprehended with me, he would have suffered death
for going off with a man's wife; though any man might go to bed with
that same woman, without fear of incurring any legal punishment.
“I proceeded night and day without intermission, that I might the sooner
reach Flanders, where I knew I should be safe; and as the nights were
excessively cold, I was fain to wrap myself up in flannel, which
I bought for the purpose, as I had no clothes to keep me warm, and
travelled in an open chaise. While we passed through dreary woods, quite
remote from the habitations of men, I was not without apprehension of
being stripped and murdered by the postillion; and, in all probability,
owed my safety to the indigence of my appearance, which might also
protect me in two miserable places, where I was obliged to lie, before
I got out of the territories of France; for, as I could not reach the
great towns where I intended to lodge, I was under the necessity of
putting up at little wretched hovels, where no provision was to be had,
but sour brown bread, and sourer cheese; and everything seemed to denote
the dens of despair and assassination.
“I made shift, however, to subsist on this fare, uncomfortable as it
was, confiding on the meanness of my equipage for the security of my
person; and at length arriving at Brussels, fixed my quarters in the
Hotel de Flandre (so well known to the English since), where I thought
myself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my flight.
“I had not been two full days in this place, when I was blessed with the
sight of my lover, who followed me on the wings of love, in pursuance
of the plan we had projected before my departure from Paris. Here
we concerted measures for proceeding to England. I hired a tall fine
Liegeoise for my maid, and setting out for Ostend, we embarked in a
vessel, in which Mr. S-- had bespoke our passage. Our voyage was short
and prosperous, and our time most agreeably spent in the company of my
dear partner, who was a most engaging man in all respects, as I dare say
my Lady C-- has since found him.
“I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in Poland-street,
retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for separation against my lord.
I communicated the reasons of my elopement to my father, who was shocked
and surprised at my conduct, which he condemned with expressions of
sorrow and resentment. But the step was taken; nor did I repent of what
I had done, except on his account.
“In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon the lord chief
justice, to whom I complained of the usage I had received from my lord,
whose temper was teasing, tiresome, and intolerably capricious. Indeed,
his behaviour was a strange compound of madness and folly, seasoned
with a small proportion of sense. No wonder then, that I, who am hot
and hasty, should be wretched, under the persecution of such a perverse
humourist, who used to terrify me, and scold at me the whole night
without intermission, and shake my pillow from time to time, that
I might not sleep, while he tormented me with his disagreeable
expostulations. I have been often frightened almost out of my senses, at
seeing him convulsed with the most unreasonable passion; and chagrined
to the highest degree of disgust, to find, by repeated observation, his
disposition so preposterous, that his satisfaction and displeasure never
depended upon the cause he had to be satisfied or disobliged; but, on
the contrary, when he had most reason to be pleased, he was always most
discontented, and very often in good-humour when he had reason enough
for vexation.
“While I lived in Poland-street, I was engaged with lawyers, and so
often visited by my father, that I could not dedicate my whole time as
usual to my lover; nor was it convenient that he should be seen in my
company: he therefore took a small house at Camberwell, whither I went
as often as I had an opportunity; and maintained the correspondence with
such eagerness and industry, that, although I was six months gone
with child, I have often, by myself, set out for his habitation, in a
hackney-coach, at eleven o'clock at night, and returned by six in the
morning, that I might be in my own bed when my father came to see
me; for I concealed my amour, as well as the effects of it, from his
knowledge, and frequently took water from the bridge, that my motions
might not be discovered. Nothing but the most passionate love could have
supported my spirits under such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled my
admirer to spend whole days by himself in such a solitary retirement.
“By this time, my lord was arrived in England, and employed in
discovering the place of my retreat; so that I lived in continual alarm,
and provided myself with a speaking-trumpet, which stood by my bedside,
to be used in calling for assistance, in case my pursuer should make an
attack upon my lodgings.
“This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no sooner begun my
process against him, than I put myself entirely under the protection of
Mr. S--, who conducted me to the house of a friend of his who lived in
the country, where I was secure from the attempts of my husband. The
world had now given me up, and I had renounced the world with the most
perfect resignation. I weighed in my breast what I should lose in point
of character, with what I suffered in my peace at home, and found,
that my reputation was not to be preserved, except at the expense of
my quiet, for his lordship was not disposed to make me easy, had I been
ever so discreet. I therefore determined to give up a few ceremonial
visits, and empty professions, for the more substantial enjoyments of
life.
“We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements with this
friend of Mr. S--, until the term of my reckoning was almost expired,
then returned to London, and took lodgings in Southampton-street, where
I began to make the preparations for the approaching occasion. Here I
proposed to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised my name,
saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached the window lest
I should be discovered by accident. Notwithstanding these precautions,
my French maid, whom I had sent for some of my clothes, was dogged in
her return, and next morning my lord took my lodgings by storm. Had he
given the assault in his person only, I make no doubt but he would have
suffered a repulse from the opposition of the Liegeoise, who made all
the resistance in her power; but was obliged to give way to superior
numbers. I was at that time abed, and hearing an unusual noise below,
rang my bell, in order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew my
curtain at the same time, and who should I see entering my chamber
but his lordship, attended by a constable, and the footman who had
discovered my retreat!
“Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surprise
and consternation. However, I summoned all my fortitude to my aid, and
perceiving the fellows were about to open my window-shutters, desired
their principal to order them down-stairs. He readily complied with my
request, and sitting down by my bedside, told me with an air of triumph,
that he had found me at last; and I frankly owned, that I was heartily
sorry for his success. Instead of upbraiding me with my escape, he
proceeded to entertain me with all the news in town, and gave me a
minute detail of everything that happened to him since our parting;
among other articles of intelligence, giving me to understand, that he
had challenged Mr. S--, who refused to fight him, and was in disgrace
with the prince of W-- on that account.
“But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth. He
had indeed, before our departure from the country, gone to my lover, and
insisted upon having satisfaction in Hyde Park, two days from the date
of his demand, and at three o'clock in the afternoon; S--, believing
him in earnest, accepted the invitation; though he observed, that these
affairs could not be discussed too soon, and wished the time of meeting
might be an earlier hour. But his lordship did not choose to alter the
circumstances of his first proposal; and, when he went away, said he
should expect him at the appointed place and time, if it did not rain.
“His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation, when I assured
him the whole business would end in smoke. Accordingly, my lord sent him
a letter on Monday, desiring that the assignation might be deferred till
Thursday, that he might have time to settle his affairs, and pay S--
a hundred pounds, which he had formerly borrowed of him. When Thursday
came, he was favoured with another epistle, importing that the
challenger had changed his mind, and would seek satisfaction at law.
Thus ended that heroic exploit, which his lordship now boasted of with
such arrogant misrepresentation.
“While he thus regaled me with these interesting particulars, I was
contriving a scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made; so that I
did not contradict his assertions, but told him, that, if he would go
down-stairs, I would rise and come to breakfast. He consented to this
proposal with great cheerfulness; and I own I was not a little surprised
to find him, at this first interview, in as good a humour as if nothing
had happened to interrupt the felicity of our matrimonial union.
“It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice,
being now within a week of the expected crisis. But I knew I had to
do with a man of no great penetration, and succeeded in my attempt
accordingly. We breakfasted with great harmony, and I invited him to
dinner, after having prevailed upon him to send away his myrmidons,
whom, nevertheless, he ordered to return at eleven o'clock at night. We
conversed together with great gaiety and mirth. When I rallied him for
visiting me in such a dishabille, he stood on tiptoe to view himself in
the glass; and, owning I was in the right, said he would go and dress
himself before dinner. He accordingly went away, charging my maid to
give him entrance at his return; and he was no sooner gone than I wrote
to Mr. S--, giving him an account of what had happened. Then, without
having determined on any certain plan, I huddled on my clothes, muffled
myself up, and calling a chair, went to the next tavern, where I
stayed no longer than was sufficient to change my vehicle; and, to the
astonishment of the drawers, who could not conceive the meaning of
my perturbation, proceeded to a shop in the neighbourhood, where I
dismissed my second chair, and procured a hackney-coach, in which I
repaired to the lodgings of my lawyer, whom I could trust. Having made
him acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and consulted him
about a proper place of retreat, after some recollection, he directed me
to a little house in a court, to which, by the assistance of my lover,
my woman and clothes were safely conveyed that same evening.
“My lord, however, came to dinner, according to invitation, and did not
seem at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone, but stepped to my
lawyer to know if he thought I should return. Upon his answering in the
affirmative, and advising his lordship to go back in the meantime, and
eat the dinner I had provided, he very deliberately took his advice,
made a very hearty meal, drank his bottle of wine, and, as I did not
return according to his expectation, withdrew in order to consult his
associates. This motion of his furnished my woman with an opportunity of
making her retreat; and, when he returned at night, the coast was clear,
and he found nobody in the house, but a porter, who had been left to
take care of the furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment,
that he made a furious noise, which raised the whole neighbourhood,
reinforced his crew with the authority of a justice of the peace,
tarried in the street till three o'clock in the morning, discharged a
lodging he had hired at a barber's shop opposite to the house from which
I had escaped, and retired with the comfortable reflection of having
done everything which a man could do to retrieve me.
“The hurry of spirits and surprise I had undergone in effecting this
retreat, produced such a disorder in my constitution, that I began
to fear I should be delivered before I could be provided with the
necessaries for the occasion. I signified my apprehension to Mr.
S--, who, with infinite care and concern, endeavoured to find a more
convenient place; and, after all his inquiries, was obliged to fix upon
a paltry apartment in the city, though his tenderness was extremely
shocked at the necessity of choosing it. However, there was no remedy,
nor time to be lost, To this miserable habitation I was carried in a
hackney-coach; and, though extremely ill, bore my fate with spirit and
resignation, in testimony of my sincere and indelible attachment to
my lover, for whose case and pleasure, I could have suffered every
inconvenience, and even sacrificed my life.
“Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment, I
was constrained by my indisposition to go to bed, and send for necessary
help; and in a few hours a living pledge of my love and indiscretion saw
the light, though the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affected
this little innocent so severely, that it scarce discovered any
visible signs of life. My grief at this misfortune was inexpressible. I
forthwith despatched a message to the dear, the anxious father, who flew
to my arms, and shared my sorrow, with all the gentleness of love
and parental fondness; yet our fears were, for that time, happily
disappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter, who was committed
to the charge of a nurse in the neighbourhood; so that I could every day
be satisfied in my inquiries about her health. Thus I continued a whole
fortnight in a state of happiness and tranquility, being blessed with
the conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love and
attention I wholly engrossed. In a word, he gave up all business and
amusement, and concentrated all his care and assiduity in ministering to
my ease and satisfaction: and sure I had no cause to regret what I had
suffered on his account.
“But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a most
alarming accident, by which my life was drawn into imminent danger. The
room under my bed-chamber took fire: I immediately smelt it, and saw the
people about me in the utmost perplexity and consternation, though they
would not own the true cause of their confusion, lest my health should
suffer in the fright. Nevertheless, I was so calm in my inquiries, that
they ventured to tell me my suspicion was but too just; upon which I
gave such directions as I thought would secure me from catching cold,
in case there should be a necessity for removing me; but the fire being
happily extinguished, I escaped that ceremony, which might have cost me
my life. Indeed, it was surprising that the agitation of my spirits did
not produce some fatal effect upon my constitution; and I looked upon my
deliverance as the protection of a particular providence.
“Though I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found it was high
time to change my lodgings, because the neighbours rushing into the
house, upon the alarm of fire, had discovered my situation, though they
were ignorant of my name; and I did not think myself safe in being
the subject of their conjectures. Mr. S--, therefore, procured another
compartment, with better accommodation, to which I was carried as soon
as my health would admit of my removal; and soon after my lord wrote
to me by the hands of my lawyer, earnestly entreating me to drop my
prosecution, and come home; but I would not comply with his request; and
nothing was farther from my intention than the desire of receiving any
favours at his hands.
“Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for my person; in
the course of which he is said to have detected several ladies and young
girls, who had reasons for keeping themselves concealed; and had like
to have been very severely handled for his impertinent curiosity. Being
unsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered into a treaty with one
Sir R-- H--, a person of a very indifferent character, who undertook
to furnish him with an infallible expedient to discover the place of my
abode, if he would gratify him with a bond for a thousand pounds; which
being executed accordingly, this worthy knight advertised me and my maid
in the public papers, offering one hundred pounds as a reward to any
person who should disclose the place of our retirement.