Pallet conceives a hearty Contempt for his Fellow-traveller, and
attaches himself to Pickle, who, nevertheless, persecutes him with his
mischievous Talent upon the Road to Flanders.
In the mean time, his companion, having employed divers pailfuls of
water in cleansing himself from the squalor of jail, submitted his face
to the barber, tinged his eye-brows with a sable hue, and, being dressed
in his own clothes, ventured to visit Peregrine, who was still under the
hands of his valet-de-chambre, and who gave him to understand that his
escape had been connived at, and that the condition of their deliverance
was their departure from Paris in three days.
The painter was transported with joy, when he learned that he ran
no risk of being retaken, and, far from repining at the terms of his
enlargement, would have willingly set out on his return to England that
same afternoon; for the Bastille had made such an impression upon him,
that he started at the sound of every coach, and turned pale at the
sight of a French soldier. In the fulness of his heart, he complained of
the doctor's indifference, and related what had passed at their meeting
with evident marks of resentment and disrespect; which were not at all
diminished, when Jolter informed him of the physician's behaviour
when he sent for him, to confer about the means of abridging their
confinement. Pickle himself was incensed at his want of bowels; and,
perceiving how much he had sank in the opinion of his fellow-traveller,
resolved to encourage these sentiments of disgust, and occasionally
foment the division to a downright quarrel, which he foresaw would
produce some diversion, and perhaps expose the poet's character in
such a light, as would effectually punish him for his arrogance and
barbarity. With this view, he leveled several satirical jokes at the
doctor's pedantry and want of taste, which had appeared so conspicuous
in the quotation he had got by heart, from ancient authors; in his
affected disdain of the best pictures of the world, which, had he been
endowed with the least share of discernment, he could not have beheld
with such insensibility; and, lastly, in his ridiculous banquet, which
none but an egregious coxcomb, devoid of all elegance and sense, would
have prepared, or presented to rational beings. In a word, our young
gentleman played the artillery of his wit against him with such success,
that the painter seemed to wake from a dream, and went home with the
most hearty contempt for the person he had formerly adored.
Instead of using the privilege of a friend, to enter his apartment
without ceremony, he sent in his servant with a message, importing,
that he intended to set out from Paris the next day, in company with
Mr. Pickle; and desiring to know whether or not he was, or would be,
prepared for the journey. The doctor, struck with the manner as well
as the matter of this intimation, went immediately to Pallet's room and
demanded to know the cause of such a sudden determination without his
privity or concurrence; and when he understood the necessity of their
affairs, rather than travel by himself, he ordered his baggage to be
packed up, and signified his readiness to conform to the emergency of
the case; though he was not at all pleased with the cavalier behaviour
of Pallet, to whom he threw out some hints on his own importance, and
the immensity of his condescension in favouring him with such marks of
regard. But by this time these insinuations had lost their effect upon
the painter who told him, with an arch sneer, that he did not at all
question his learning and abilities, and particularly his skill in
cookery, which he should never forget while his palate retained its
function; but nevertheless advised him, for the sake of the degenerate
eaters of these days, to spare a little of his sal ammoniac in the next
sillykicaby he should prepare; and abate somewhat of the devil's dung,
which he had so plentifully crammed into the roasted fowls, unless he
had a mind to convert his guests into patients, with a view of licking
himself whole for the expense of the entertainment.
The physician, nettled at these sarcasms, eyed him with a look of
indignation and disdain; and, being, unwilling to express himself in
English, lest, in the course of the altercation, Pallet should be so
much irritated as to depart without him, he vented his anger in Greek.
The painter, though by the sound he supposed this quotation to be Greek,
complimented his friend upon his knowledge in the Welsh language, and
found means to rally him quite out of temper; so that he retired to
his own chamber in the utmost wrath and mortification, and left his
antagonist exulting over the victory he had won.
While these things passed between these originals, Peregrine waited
upon the ambassador, whom he thanked for his kind interposition,
acknowledging the indiscretion of his own conduct with such appearance
of conviction and promises of reformation, that his excellency freely
forgave him for all the trouble he had been put to on his account,
fortified him with sensible advices and, assuring him of his continual
favour and friendship, gave him at parting, letters of introduction to
several persons of quality belonging to the British court.
Thus distinguished, our young gentleman took leave of all his French
acquaintance, and spent the evening with some of those who had enjoyed
the greatest share of his intimacy and confidence; while Jolter
superintended his domestic concerns, and with infinite joy bespoke a
post-chaise and horse, in order to convey him from a place where
he lived in continual apprehension of suffering by the dangerous
disposition of his pupil. Everything being adjusted according to their
plan, they and their fellow-travellers next day dined together, and
about four in the afternoon took their departure in two chaises,
escorted by the valet-de-chambre, Pipes, and the doctor's lacquey on
horseback, well furnished with arms and ammunition, in case of being
attacked by robbers on the road.
It was about eleven o'clock at night when they arrived at Senlis, which
was the place at which they proposed to lodge, and where they were
obliged to knock up the people of the inn, before they could have
their supper prepared. All the provision in the house was but barely
sufficient to furnish one indifferent meal: however, the painter
consoled himself for the quantity with the quality of the dishes, one of
which was a fricassee of rabbit, a preparation that he valued above
all the dainties that ever smoked upon the table of the sumptuous
Heliogabalus.
He had no sooner expressed himself to this effect, than our hero,
who almost incessantly laying traps for diversion at his neighbour's
expense, laid hold on the declaration; and, recollecting the story of
Scipio and the muleteer in Gil Blas, resolved to perpetrate a joke upon
the stomach of Pallet, which seemed well disposed to a hearty supper.
He, accordingly, digested his plan; and the company being seated at
table, affected to stare with peculiar eagerness at the painter, who had
helped himself to a large portion of the fricassee, and began to swallow
it with infinite relish. Pallet, notwithstanding the keenness of his
appetite, could not help taking notice of Pickle's demeanour; and,
making a short pause in the exercise of his grinders, “You are
surprised,” said he, “to see me make so much despatch; but I was
extremely hungry, and this is one of the best fricassees I ever tasted:
the French are very expert in these dishes, that I must allow; and, upon
my conscience, I would never desire to eat a more delicate rabbit than
this that lies upon my plate.”
Peregrine made no other reply to this encomium, than the repetition of
the word rabbit, with a note of admiration, and such a significant shake
of the head, as effectually alarmed the other, who instantly suspended
the action of his jaws, and, with the morsel half chewed in his mouth,
stared round him with a certain stolidity of apprehension, which
is easier conceived than described; until his eyes encountered the
countenance of Thomas Pipes, who, being instructed, and posted opposite
to him for the occasion, exhibited an arch grin, that completed the
painter's disorder. Afraid of swallowing his mouthful, and ashamed to
dispose of it any other way, he sat some time in a most distressed state
of suspense; and being questioned by Mr. Jolter touching his calamity,
made a violent effort of the muscles of his gullet, which with
difficulty performed their office; and then, with great confusion and
concern, asked if Mr. Pickle suspected the rabbit's identity. The young
gentleman, assuming a mysterious air, pretended ignorance of the matter,
observing that he was apt to suspect all dishes of that kind, since he
had been informed of the tricks which were commonly played at inns
in France, Italy, and Spain; and recounted three passage in Gil Blas,
which we have hinted it above, saying, he did not pretend to be a
connoisseur in animals, but the legs of the creature which composed that
diet which composed the fricassee, did not, in his opinion, resemble
those of the rabbits he had usually seen. This observation had an
evident effect upon the features of the painter, who, with certain signs
of loathing and astonishment, exclaimed, “Lord Jesus!” and appealed to
Pipes for the discovery of the truth by asking if he knew anything
of the affair. Tom very gravely replied, “he did suppose the food
was wholesome enough, for he had seen the skin and feet of a special
ram-cat, new flayed, hanging upon the door of a small pantry adjoining
to the kitchen.”
Before this sentence was uttered, Pallet's belly seemed to move in
contact with his back-bone, his colour changed, no part but the whites
of his eyes were to be seen, he dropped his lower jaw, and, fixing his
hands in his sides, retched with such convulsive agonies, as amazed and
disconcerted the whole company: and what augmented his disorder, was
the tenacious retention of the stomach, which absolutely refused to part
with its contents, notwithstanding all the energy of his abhorrence,
which threw him into a cold sweat, and almost into a swoon.
Pickle, alarmed at his condition, assured him it was a genuine rabbit,
and that he had tutored Pipes to say otherwise for the joke's sake.
But this confession he considered as a friendly artifice of Pickle's
compassion, and therefore it had little effect upon his constitution. By
the assistance, however, of a large bumper of brandy, his spirits were
recruited, and his recollection so far recovered, that he was able to
declare, with divers contortions of face, that the dish had a rankness
of taste, which he had imparted partly to the nature of the French
covey, and partly to the composition of their sauces; then he inveighed
against the infamous practices of French publicans, attributing
such imposition to their oppressive government, which kept them so
necessitous, that they were tempted to exercise all manner of knavery
upon their unwary guests.
Jolter, who could not find in his heart to let slip any opportunity of
speaking in favour of the French, told him, that he was a very great
stranger to their police; else he would know, that if, upon information
to the magistrate, it should appear that any traveller, native or
foreigner, had been imposed upon or ill-treated by a publican, the
offender would be immediately obliged to shut up his house; and, if his
behaviour had been notorious, he himself would be sent to the galleys,
without the least hesitation: “and as for the dish which has been made
the occasion of your present disorder,” said he, “I will take upon me
to affirm it was prepared of a genuine rabbit, which was skinned in my
presence; and, in confirmation of what I assert, though such fricassees
are not the favourites of my taste, I will eat a part of this without
scruple.”
So saying, he swallowed several mouthfuls of the questioned coney, and
Pallet seemed to eye it again with inclination; nay, he even resumed his
knife and fork; and being just on the point of applying them, was seized
with another qualm of apprehension, that broke out in an exclamation of,
“After all, Mr. Jolter, if it should be a real ram-cat? Lord have mercy
upon me! here is one of the claws.” With these words he presented the
tip of a toe, of which Pipes had snipped off five or six from a duck
that was roasted, and purposely scattered them in the fricassee: and
the governor could not behold this testimonial without symptoms of
uneasiness and remorse; so that he and the painter sat silenced and
abashed, and made faces at each other, while the physician, who hated
them both, exulted over their affliction, bidding them be of good cheer,
and proceed with their meal; for he was ready to demonstrate, that
the flesh of a cat was as nourishing and delicious as veal or mutton,
provided they could prove that the said cat was not of the boar kind,
and had fed chiefly on vegetable diet, or even confined its carnivorous
appetite to rats and mice, which he affirmed to be dainties of exquisite
taste and flavour. He said, it was a vulgar mistake to think that
all flesh-devouring creatures were unfit to be eaten: witness the
consumption of swine and ducks, animals that delight in carnage as
well as fish, and prey upon each other, and feed on bait and carrion;
together with the demand for bear, of which the best hams in the world
are made. He then observed that the negroes on the coast of Guinea, who
are healthy and vigorous people, prefer cats and dogs to all other
fare; and mentioned from history several sieges, during which the
inhabitants, who were blocked up, lived upon these animals, and had
recourse even to human flesh, which, to his certain knowledge, was in
all respects preferable to pork; for, in the course of his studies, he
had, for the experiment's sake, eaten a steak cut from the buttock of a
person who had been hanged.
This dissertation, far from composing, increased the disquiet in
the stomachs of the governor and painter, who, hearing the last
illustration, turned their eyes upon the orator, at the same instant,
with looks of horror and disgust; and the one muttering the term
“cannibal,” and the other pronouncing the word “abomination,” they rose
from table in a great hurry, and running towards another apartment,
jostled with such violence in the passage, that both were overturned
by the shock, which also contributed to the effect of their nausea that
mutually defiled them as they lay.