Peregrine makes himself Merry at the Expense of the Painter, who curses
his Landlady, and breaks with the Doctor.
As he could easily conceive the situation of his companion in adversity,
he was unwilling to leave the place until he had reaped some diversion
from his distress, and with that view repaired to the dungeon of the
afflicted painter, to which he had by this time free access. When
he entered, the first object that presented itself to his eye was so
uncommonly ridiculous, that he could scarce preserve that gravity of
countenance which he had affected in order to execute the joke he had
planned. The forlorn Pallet sat upright in his bed in a deshabille that
was altogether extraordinary. He had laid aside his monstrous hoop,
together with his stays, gown, and petticoat, wrapped his lappets
about his head by way of nightcap, and wore his domino as a loose
morning-dress; his grizzled locks hung down about his lack-lustre
eyes and tawny neck, in all the disorder of negligence; his gray beard
bristled about half-an-inch through the remains of the paint with
which his visage had been bedaubed, and every feature of his face was
lengthened to the most ridiculous expression of grief and dismay.
Seeing Peregrine come in, he started up in a sort of frantic ecstasy,
and, running towards him with open arms, no sooner perceived the woeful
appearance into which our hero had modelled his physiognomy, than he
stopped short all of a sudden, and the joy which had begun to take
possession of his heart was in a moment dispelled by the most rueful
presages; so that he stood in a most ludicrous posture of dejection,
like a malefactor at the Old Bailey, when sentence is about to be
pronounced. Pickle, taking him by the hand, heaved a profound sigh; and
after having protested that he was extremely mortified at being pitched
upon as the messenger of bad news, told him, with an air of sympathy and
infinite concern, that the French court, having discovered his sex, had
resolved, in consideration of the outrageous indignity he offered
in public to a prince of the blood, to detain him in the Bastille a
prisoner for life; and that this sentence was a mitigation obtained by
the importunities of the British ambassador, the punishment ordained by
law being no other than breaking alive upon the wheel.
These tidings aggravated the horrors of the painter to such a degree
that he roared aloud, and skipped about the room in all the extravagance
of distraction, taking God and man to witness, that he would rather
suffer immediate death than endure one year's imprisonment in such a
hideous place; and cursing the hour of his birth, and the moment on
which he departed from his own country. “For my own part,” said his
tormentor, in a hypocritical tone, “I was obliged to swallow the bitter
pill of making submission to the prince, who, as I had not presumed to
strike him, received acknowledgments, in consequence of which I shall
be this day set at liberty; and there is even one expedient left for the
recovery of your freedom--it is, I own, a disagreeable remedy, but one
had better undergo a little mortification than be for ever wretched.
Besides, upon second thoughts, I begin to imagine that you will not for
such a trifle sacrifice yourself to the unceasing horrors of a dungeon;
especially as your condescension will in all probability be attended
with advantages which you could not otherwise enjoy.” Pallet,
interrupting him with great eagerness, begged for the love of God that
he would no longer keep him in the torture of suspense, but mention
that same remedy, which he was resolved to follow, let it be ever so
unpalatable.
Peregrine, having thus played upon his passions of fear and hope,
answered, “that as the offence was committed in the habit of a woman,
which was a disguise unworthy of the other sex, the French court was of
opinion that the delinquent should be reduced to the neuter gender; so
that there was no alternative at his own option, by which he had it in
his power to regain immediate freedom.”--“What!” cried the painter, in
despair, “become a singer? Gadzooks! and the devil and all that! I'll
rather be still where I am, and let myself be devoured by vermin.” Then
thrusting out his throat--“Here is my windpipe,” said he; “be so good,
my dear friend, as to give it a slice or two: if you don't, I shall
one of these days be found dangling in my garters. What an unfortunate
rascal I am! What a blockhead, and a beast, and a fool, was I to trust
myself among such a barbarous ruffian race! Lord forgive you, Mr.
Pickle, for having been the immediate cause of my disaster. If you had
stood by me from the beginning, according to your promise, I should not
have been teased by that coxcomb who has brought me to this pass. And
why did I put on this d--d unlucky dress? Lord curse that chattering
Jezebel of a landlady, who advised such a preposterous disguise!--a
disguise which has not only brought me to this pass, but also rendered
me abominable to myself, and frightful to others; for when I this
morning signified to the turnkey that I wanted to be shaved, he looked
at my beard with astonishment, and, crossing himself, muttered his Pater
Noster, believing me, I suppose, to be a witch, or something worse. And
Heaven confound that loathsome banquet of the ancients, which provoked
me to drink too freely, that I might wash away the taste of that
accursed sillikicaby.”
Our young gentleman, having heard this lamentation to an end, excused
himself for his conduct by representing that he could not possibly
foresee the disagreeable consequences that attended it; and in the
mean time strenuously counselled him to submit to the terms of his
enlargement. He observed that he was now arrived at that time of life
when the lusts of the flesh should be entirely mortified within him, and
his greatest concern ought to be the of his soul, to which nothing could
more effectually contribute than the amputation which was proposed; that
his body, as well as his mind, would profit by the change; because he
would have no dangerous appetite to gratify, and no carnal thoughts to
divert him from the duties of his profession; and his voice, which was
naturally sweet, would improve to such a degree, that he would captivate
the ears of all the people of fashion and taste, and in a little time be
celebrated under the appellation of the English Senesino.
These arguments did not fail to make impression upon the painter, who
nevertheless started two objections to his compliance; namely, the
disgrace of the punishment, and the dread of his wife. Pickle undertook
to obviate these difficulties, by assuring him that the sentence would
be executed so privately as never to transpire: and that his wife could
not be so unconscionable, after so many years of cohabitation, as to
take exceptions to an expedient by which she would not only enjoy the
conversation of her husband, but even the fruits of those talents which
the knife would so remarkably refine.
Pallet shook his hand at this last remonstrance, as if he thought it
would not be altogether convincing to his spouse, but yielded to the
proposal, provided her consent could be obtained. Just as he signified
this condescension, the jailer entered, and addressing himself to the
supposed lady, expressed his satisfaction in having the honour to tell
her that she was no longer a prisoner. As the painter did not understand
one word of what he said, Peregrine undertook the office of interpreter,
and made his friend believe the jailer's speech was no other than an
intimation that the ministry had sent a surgeon to execute what was
proposed, and that the instruments and dressings were prepared in the
next room. Alarmed and terrified at this sudden appointment, he flew
to the other end of the room, and, snatching up an earthen chamber-pot,
which was the only offensive weapon in the place, put himself in a
posture of defence, and with many oaths threatened to try the temper
of the barber's skull, if he should presume to set his nose within the
apartment.
The jailer, who little expected such a reception, concluded that
the poor gentlewoman had actually lost her wits, and retreated with
precipitation, leaving the door open as he went out; upon which Pickle,
gathering up the particulars of his dress with great despatch, crammed
them into Pallet's arms, and taking notice that now the coast was clear,
exhorted him to follow his footsteps to the gate, where a hackney-coach
stood for his reception. There being no time for hesitation, the painter
took his advice; and, without quitting the utensil, which in his hurry
he forgot to lay down, sallied out in the rear of our hero, with all the
wildness of terror and impatience which may be reasonably supposed to
take possession of a man who flies from perpetual imprisonment. Such was
the tumult of his agitation, that his faculty of thinking was for the
present utterly overwhelmed, and he saw no object but his conductor,
whom he followed by a sort of instinctive impulse, without regarding the
keepers and sentinels, who, as he passed with his clothes under one arm,
and his chamber-pot brandished above his head, were confounded, and even
dismayed, at the strange apparition.
During the whole course of this irruption, he ceased nor to cry, with
great vociferation, “Drive, coachman, drive, in the name of God!”
and the carriage had proceeded the length of a whole street before he
manifested the least sign of reflection, but stared like the Gorgon's
head, with his mouth wide open, and each particular hair crawling
and twining like an animated serpent. At length, however, he began to
recover the use of his senses, and asked if Peregrine thought him
now out of all danger of being retaken. This unrelenting wag, not yet
satisfied with the affliction he imposed upon the sufferer, answered,
with an air of doubt and concern, that he hoped they would not be
overtaken, and prayed to God they might not be retarded by a stop
of carriages. Pallet fervently joined in this supplication; and they
advanced a few yards farther, when the noise of a coach at full speed
behind them invaded their ears; and Pickle, having looked out of the
window, withdrew his head in seeming confusion, and exclaimed, “Lord
have mercy upon us! I wish that may not be a guard sent after us.
Methinks I saw the muzzle of a fusil sticking out of the coach.” The
painter, hearing these tidings, that instant thrust himself half out
at the window, with his helmet still in his hand, bellowing to the
coachman, as loud as he could roar, “Drive, d-- ye, dive to the gates
of Jericho and the ends of the earth! Drive, you ragamuffin, you
rascallion, you hell-hound! Drive us to the pit Of hell, rather than we
should be taken!”
Such a phantom could not pass without attracting the curiosity of the
people, who ran to their doors and windows, in order to behold this
object of admiration. With the same view, that coach, which was supposed
to be in pursuit of him, stopped just as the windows of each happened to
be opposite; and Pallet, looking behind, and seeing three men standing
upon the footboard armed with canes, which his fear converted into
fusils, never doubted that his friend's suspicion was just, but, shaking
his Jordan at the imaginary guard, swore he would sooner die than part
with his precious ware. The owner of the coach, who was a nobleman of
the first quality, mistook him for some unhappy woman deprived of her
senses: and, ordering his coachman to proceed, convinced the fugitive,
to his infinite joy, that this was no more than a false alarm. He was
not, for all that, freed from anxiety and trepidation; but our young
gentleman, fearing his brain would not bear a repetition of the
same joke, permitted him to gain his own lodgings without further
molestation.
His landlady, meeting him on the stair, was so affected at his
appearance, that she screamed aloud, and betook herself to flight; while
he, cursing her with greet bitterness, rushed into the apartment to
the doctor, who, instead of receiving him with cordial embraces, and
congratulating him upon his deliverance, gave evident signs of umbrage
and discontent; and even plainly told him, he hoped to have heard that
he and Mr. Pickle had acted the glorious part of Cato; an event which
would have laid the foundation of such noble struggles, as could not
fail to end in happiness and freedom; and that he had already made
some progress in an ode that would have immortalised their names, and
inspired the flame of liberty in every honest breast. “There,” said
he, “I would have proved, that great talents, and high sentiments of
liberty, do reciprocally produce and assist each other; and illustrated
my assertions with such notes and quotations from the Greek writers, as
would have opened the eyes of the most blind and unthinking, and touched
the most callous and obdurate heart. 'O fool! to think the man, whose
ample mind must grasp whatever yonder stars survey'--Pray, Mr. Pellet,
what is your opinion of that image of the mind's grasping the whole
universe? For my own part, I can't help thinking it the most happy
conception that ever entered my imagination.”
The painter, who was not such a flaming enthusiast in the cause of
liberty, could not brook the doctor's reflections, which he thought
savoured a little too much of indifference and deficiency in point of
private friendship; and therefore seized the present opportunity of
mortifying his pride, by observing, that the image was, without all
doubt, very grand and magnificent; but that he had been obliged for the
idea to Mr. Bayes in “The Rehearsal,” who values himself upon the same
figure, conveyed in these words, “But all these clouds, when by the eye
of reason grasp'd, etc.” Upon any other occasion, the painter would
have triumphed greatly upon this detection; but such was the flutter and
confusion of his spirits, under the apprehension of being retaken, that,
without further communication, he retreated to his own room, in order to
resume his own dress, which he hoped would alter his appearance in such
a manner as to baffle all search and examination; while the physician
remained ashamed and abashed, to find himself convinced of bombast by
a person of such contemptible talents. He was offended at this proof
of his memory, and so much enraged at his presumption in exhibiting
it, that he could never forgive his want of reverence, and took every
opportunity of exposing his ignorance and folly in the sequel. Indeed,
the ties of private affection were too weak to engage the heart of this
republican, whose zeal for the community had entirely swallowed up
his concern for individuals. He looked upon particular friendship as a
passion unworthy of his ample soul, and was a professed admirer of L.
Manlius, Junius Brutus, and those later patriots of the same name,
who shut their ears against the cries of nature, and resisted all the
dictates of gratitude and humanity.