_Love-Letters--Long or Short Engagements--Broken
Engagements--Clandestine Engagements--When Justifiable--The Mother in
the Secret--Friends who act as Go-Between._
Love-Letters.
There are, I believe, engaged couples who, after parting from each
other at 7 P.M., write a long letter before going to bed that night,
containing all that they had not time to say. If they have the time
and energy to spare it concerns no one but themselves; but it seems a
pity to make a rule of this sort, as it may become a tax, and the
breaking of it on either side may cause pain if not friction.
There will be times without number when delightful little
love-letters will have to be written. They will come as a joyful
surprise and be twice as sweet as those that are expected.
When daily or even frequent meetings are impossible, then the
love-letter has a most important part to play in the course of true
love. Letters are a very valuable addition to personal intercourse. It
is not safe to judge a person entirely from them, but taking them side
by side with personal knowledge they throw a good deal of light on a
character. The glamour of the beloved presence is not there to blind,
the charm of manner or voice is not powerful to fascinate, so the
words stand on their own merits. Sometimes they do not quite fit in
with what we know of the writer. They show us another side of one we
love. It may be endearing, it may be the reverse. In any case the
letters that pass between an engaged couple should be kept absolutely
private. We know the story of the man who wrote the same love-letters
to two girls, who {61} discovered his treachery by comparing their
respective treasures. Such a case is, I hope, purely fictional, but
there ought to be some exceptionally good reason for divulging the
sweet nothings that go to make up the typical love-letter. For the one
to whom they are addressed they will be sublime, to the outsider they
will probably be only ridiculous.
The Length of Engagements.
Considering what a vital change marriage is bound to bring into the
lives of those who make the contract, it would seem the height of
rashness to hurry into it with a person of whom one knows but little.
It may be contended that the mutual attitude of lovers during their
engagement is not calculated to enlarge their real knowledge of each
other. Certainly not, if the marriage is to take place while they are
at fever-heat, living in a whirl of emotional rapture. But let an
engagement be long enough for their love to settle down into a more
normal state, where their reasoning faculties will be able to
work--then they will gain a clearer estimate of their mutual fitness,
and may learn a good deal about each other.
It has been said that no man should make an offer of marriage till he
is in a position to support a wife. This is a little hard. If a man is
worth having, he is worth waiting for. He has no right to speak till
he has some definite prospect in view, or unless he is fully
determined to do his best to further his own interests. No girl or
woman should be expected to waste her youth and wear out her heart as
the promised wife of a man who is not trying to make their marriage
possible. Above all, no man should be mean enough to take money from
the one to whom he is engaged merely to indulge his own idleness.
A year or eighteen months may be taken as a fair time for the
engagement of those who have known but little of each other
beforehand. In the case of long intimacy six months will probably
suffice. A girl exposes herself to much unpleasant criticism by urging
on a hasty marriage. Even if she feels impatient, she should let that
sort of thing come from the man. If he lets the time drag on with
seeming {62} indifference or satisfaction, she should ask one of her
parents to speak to him on the subject, and if she guesses that he has
no real desire to marry her, she had far better give him up altogether
than urge him to take the step unwillingly.
Broken Engagements.
It sometimes happens that during this period of courtship either the
man or the woman realises that a mistake has been made; if so, let it
be rectified before a still more serious one be committed. It is a
delicate matter for a man to take the initiative. No woman should
drive him to do so. Let her make him a present of his freedom before
he has to ask for it. It is due to a man's self-respect to break
with a woman who openly and wantonly disregards his wishes on any
important point. In the same way if a man will not give up bad
habits, such as gambling, intemperance, or whatever it may be, for
the sake of the girl he is engaged to, she may be pretty sure that
he will not do it when she is his wife. Let him choose between her
and his vices.
Once the engagement is at an end the ring and other presents should be
sent back, unless by special mutual arrangement to the contrary.
Letters are either burnt or returned to the writer. There is a good
deal of sentiment about these written proofs of a love that has proved
a failure, on one side at least. The two who have been so nearly one
now become mere acquaintances again in the eyes of the world, and will
probably not be anxious to meet for some time to come.
Clandestine Engagement.
The obstacle to true love in former days was parental authority, which
often savoured of tyranny. In these days of liberty the young people
have it more their own way. When parents object to a lover on the mere
ground of his poverty, or some personal prejudice, a girl may be
excused for making her own choice when she is of age. If she binds
herself secretly to a man whose moral unfitness is objected to, she is
courting certain misery and possible disgrace.
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A Justifiable Case.
It would seem, then, that where parental consent is refused on the
ground of advisability, not of vital principle, the girl is justified
in holding herself bound till such time as she is free to give her
hand in marriage. She will use this bond as a defence against other
suitors who may be urged upon her. She will not flaunt her decision in
the parental face, nor cause ructions by tactlessly obtruding the bone
of contention; but she will be firm and loyal, true to herself and to
him she loves.
Where the Mother Shares the Secret.
Where the father is somewhat of a Spartan there is not unfrequently a
gentle, sympathetic mother, who will dare much to make her child
happy. The daughter is well advised to make such a mother her
confidante. A woman who schemes to entangle a young man of wealth or
high rank into a secret engagement with her daughter, who she knows is
no suitable wife for him, is neither honest to him nor kind to her
child. Such unequal marriages seldom answer in real life. There must
be sympathy, and a certain community of interests to make marriage a
success.
Friends who act as Go-Between.
There is a spice of romance in helping distressed and persecuted
lovers; but young people should be very careful not to mix themselves
up in such matters. Their own experience is too limited to qualify
them for the task. Older friends must take the consequences of such
interference. Sometimes their help is most ill-advised; still, for a
time at least, the lovers will be intensely grateful to them. There is
one thing that seems quite unjustifiable, and that is for a secretly
engaged pair to make a friend's house their rendezvous without telling
the friend exactly how matters stand. It is an abuse of hospitality,
for it is pretty sure to bring unpleasantness to the friend, who will
inevitably be blamed by the parents when the secret leaks out, or an
elopement takes {64} place. Trains, telephones, and telegraphs have robbed
the latter episode of all its old-world reckless charm, and it really
seems hardly worth the doing.
In some cases a married friend may intervene to prevent any scandal
from touching the wilful bride. If the young folks will not listen to
reason, it is as well for their folly to be carried out as respectably
as possible; but all such sympathy should be tempered by judgment, for
the making or marring of two lives is in the balance, and the
happiness of many hearts may be at stake.
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