_Engagements--The Attitude of Parents and Guardians--Making it
Known--In the Family--To Outside Friends--Congratulations--The
Choice and Giving of the Ring--Making Acquaintance of Future
Relations--Personally or by Letter._
Engagements.
In former days Etiquette demanded that the suitor should first make
his request to the lady's parents. This may still be done with
advantage in exceptional cases, notably that of a young man with his
way still to make, but whose love and ambition prompt him to choose a
wife from the higher social circle to which he hopes to climb. In the
ordinary run of life the suitor goes first to the principal person,
and when fortified by her consent bravely faces the parental music. It
is not honourable for a man to make a girl an offer when he knows that
her parents have a pronounced objection to him as a son-in-law. So
long as she is under age, or in a dependent position, he has no right
to ask her to either deceive or defy those to whom she owes duty and
obedience.
The Interview.
"Asking Papa" is often a momentous matter. Some fathers are quite
unreasonable, but the more honest and straightforward the suitor is
the better. Let him be modest, but without cringing. There should be
no suspicion that he is conferring a favour; he is rather asking a man
to give him of his best, and it is his love that emboldens him to make
the request.
He should state plainly what his income and prospects are, the
probable date at which he will be able to marry, and how he {52}
proposes to provide for his wife. He must not resent being somewhat
closely questioned before his reception into a family, and should be
ready to give all particulars respecting himself that may be required.
Parents who value their daughter do right to exercise wise forethought
before entrusting her to a comparative stranger. He should carefully
avoid any unseemly curiosity as to what marriage portion his bride
will have. Most men state plainly how their daughters will be dowered,
unless they have reason to suspect the suitor of mercenary motives.
The father in his turn owes a measure of confidence to his child's
lover, and there are some warnings that it is cruel to withhold,
notably where there is any taint of insanity in the family. In the
case of a fatherless girl the suitor must address himself to her
mother, nearest relative, or guardian.
Refusal.
Where consent to the engagement is refused, a man of honour and
good-feeling will abide by the decision, and not try to force his
way into a family where he is unwelcome. He need not necessarily be
fickle. Time may bring things about that will enable him, without loss
of dignity, to make another and more successful attempt.
Attitude of Parents and Guardians.
Parents are often placed in great difficulties by their daughters'
love affairs. They may refuse to countenance an engagement, but they
cannot change the minds of the young people. On the contrary,
opposition brings a sense of martyrdom which will strengthen the
misplaced affection, while with judicious indifference it might have
died a natural death. It is a question whether the affair shall go on
in secret, nominally unknown to them, or whether they shall so far
countenance it as to leave no excuse for deception. Now that so much
legitimate freedom is given to girls, I cannot think that a man is
acting honourably in wooing his love "under the rose," and exposing
her to the matter of scandal-mongers.
Where there is nothing against a man's character or {53} antecedents, if
he is able to support a wife, and the lovers are attached to each other,
it seems tyrannical for parents to refuse their consent, and thus
spoil their daughter's happiness.
Making it Known.
Once the engagement is ratified by the consent of the powers that be,
a few days should elapse before the event is made public. The lady's
parents generally give a dinner party to their most intimate friends,
or an At Home if they wish to include a larger number of guests, at
which the important announcement is made. The father or mother will
tell the news to the most important guest or nearest relation, and it
will gradually spread. Possibly the health of the happy pair may be
drunk.
Friends at a Distance.
The mother of the lady writes to tell friends at a distance, but the
_fiancee_ would tell the good news to her own particular chums in an
informal way. A motherless girl must do it all for herself. The man
tells his own people and friends of his good fortune in the way that
suits him best.
Congratulations.
There are many ways of offering good wishes to the engaged couple. A
warm clasp of the hand and a few heartfelt words are better than all
the studied elegance of phrase in the world. It is often difficult to
be quite sincere in offering our congratulations, for our friends
choose rather oddly, to our tastes, sometimes. When the choice of your
dear friend falls on your pet abomination the case is hard indeed. You
can congratulate _him_, though you want to tell him she is worlds too
good for him; but what to say to _her_ when you feel that she is
making a disastrous match is a painful problem. You can honestly wish
that her brightest dreams may be realised, even where you have little
hope of it. Let there be no bitterness in the congratulations. Respect
the happiness of the lovers even if you cannot understand it.
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The Ring.
In choosing the ring the lover should first think of its durability
and then of its sweet symbolism. It should be the best he can afford,
and the small detail of fit is not to be ignored. The choice of stones
and style will depend upon taste and the money available, but,
personally, I like an engagement ring to be of special design, unlike
any that other women are likely to wear. One good stone is far better
than a number of smaller ones.
Making Acquaintance with Future Relations.
This is one of the bride-elect's sorest trials, for even when people
like a girl very well as a friend, they do not always welcome her as a
member of their family. She must face the fact that they have not
chosen her, and the more simply and naturally she bears herself under
the inevitable criticism the better. It is fatal to _try_ and make a
good impression. Tact and intuition will do a great deal for her, but
much lies in the power of his relations to make or mar the happiness
of her entry into their midst. I know of a girl, who lived a long way
from her _fiance_, who was made quite miserable during her occasional
visits to his home by the discourtesy of his sisters. He was in town
all day, and of course knew nothing of the discomfort she endured in
his absence. He knows now, and it has not increased his brotherly
love.
What She Should Avoid.
It is bad manners in a girl to try and show off her power over her
lover in his own home, or anywhere else, for the matter of that. It is
foolish to pretend that she does not care for him, or to talk of her
wedding-day as if it were her execution. I have known girls who did
this. She should not devote herself exclusively to him, and thereby
fail in courtesy to his family or their friends. She should not boast
of her own people, or infer that her home is superior to theirs. She
should guard especially against anything that looks like wishing to
oust her lover's mother from her place in his affections. Women are
nearly always a little jealous of the girls their sons marry, and care
must be taken to disarm this.
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Letters.
When the introductions take place mainly by letter, many
stumbling-blocks are removed from the path of the bride-elect. It only
behoves her to reply with ready, grateful recognition to the words of
welcome, which should be gracious and warm-hearted on the part of his
friends. The following may serve as an example:--
From his Mother
"My dear Sybil,--Frank has told me of his engagement to you, and I am
writing to tell you how glad I am and how fully I enter into his
happiness. I feel sure, my dear child, that he will make you a good
and loving husband, for he has been such a dear son to me.
"I have always prayed that he might find a wife who would appreciate
his love and share his highest interests. I am now satisfied that he
has done this, dear. I want you to come and stay with me as soon as
you can, so that we may learn to understand each other. It ought not
to be difficult, now that we have so much in common.--With kind love,
believe me, affectionately yours, Alice Stanley."
The above letter would imply that the mother knew a good deal about
the girl her son was going to marry, and of course she would try to
write in a cordial strain, even though she was taking her future
daughter-in-law upon the son's recommendation.
The girl's answer might be on these lines:--
"My dear Mrs. Stanley,--You cannot think how glad I was to receive
your most kind letter. It is such a relief to feel that you do not
disapprove of Frank's choice. I only hope that you may still approve
when you know me better. I am delighted to accept your kind
invitation, and can come on the 14th if that will suit you. I can
hardly yet realise my great happiness, and feel that I can never do
enough for Frank.--With many thanks for your kindness, believe me,
with love, yours affectionately, Sybil Carlton."
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