_Proposals: Premeditated, Spontaneous, Practical, or Romantic--No Rule
Possible--Tact in Choosing the Opportunity--Unseemly Haste an Insult
to a Woman--Keen Sense of Humour Dangerous to Sentiment--Some Things to
Avoid--Vaguely Worded Offers--When She may take the Initiative._
Proposals of Marriage.
The modes of making an offer of marriage are as manifold as the minds
of the men who make them. The cautious, long-headed man, whose heart
is ever dominated by his head, will think out the situation carefully
beforehand, and couch his offer in moderate and measured terms. The
impulsive lover will be carried away by a wave of emotion, and,
perhaps before he has really made up his mind, will pour out the first
passionate words that come to his lips. The clear-headed business man
will not lose sight of the practical advantages to be gained from the
union he suggests. The creature of romance will be poetic and
delightful even if utterly impossible. It may be safely said, however,
that no general rule can be laid down, and that no man ever asked this
important question exactly in the words or at the time he had
previously selected.
Tact in Choosing the Opportunity.
The great thing is to seize the auspicious moment, to strike the
responsive chord when the two minds are in harmony. A man who tries to
propose when a servant is expected to arrive with a scuttle of coals,
or when the children are just tumbling in from school, is not likely
to meet with much {47} favour. We cannot all have the momentous
question put in the witching hour of moonlight, or in the suggestive
stillness of a summer's eve, but the tactful man will know when to speak,
and how to turn dull prose into the sweetest rhythm.
Too Much Haste.
I do know of a case where two young people made acquaintance, wooed
and married in something over a fortnight. No sane man would advocate
such haste. It seems almost an impertinence for a lover to ask a woman
to give herself into his keeping when he has only just made his
entrance into her life. It must be admitted that Love defies time as
well as locksmiths. A few hours may bring kindred souls nearer to each
other than double the number of years would do in an ordinary
acquaintance. On board ship, especially in the tropics, things mature
with a rapidity seldom found ashore. Certain circumstances conspire to
hasten the happy development, and certain conditions may justify
exceptional haste. When a long separation is pending a man may be
forgiven for hurrying to know his fate; but for the ordinary
stay-at-home man to be introduced one week and propose the next is,
to put it mildly, a doubtful compliment.
Too Keen a Sense of Humour.
A momentary realisation of the comic side of things may dash the cup
of happiness from a woman's lips. An involuntary smile will be taken
for heartlessness by the man who is so terribly in earnest. A humorous
word will be little short of an insult, a jest but a proof of scorn.
His vanity, if not his heart, will receive a wound that is not lightly
to be healed. There are those who laugh from sheer nervous excitement;
let them not lose the men they love by a lack of self-control that may
be so cruelly misconstrued.
Some Things to Avoid.
The nervous, unready wooer both endures and inflicts agonies of mind
if he tries to make a verbal offer. He had {48} much better write, for
then he will at least be intelligible. The vacillating woman has no
right to let a man propose to her and then accept him just because she
cannot make up her mind to tell him the truth. She may mean to be
kind, but she only causes unnecessary pain. No woman is justified in
keeping a man in suspense while she angles for a better matrimonial
prize. No honourable offer of marriage should be rejected rudely,
unkindly, or with scorn. Let there be but few words spoken, but let
them be simple, courteous, and, above all, definite. Let him see that
you are sensible of the honour he has done you, even while you retain
the right to dispose of your heart as you think best.
Vaguely Worded Offers.
It is said that the indefinite form of proposal is in favour at
present. It would seem that, however he may elect to say it, the man
should clearly make the lady understand that he is asking her to be
his wife. She cannot very well urge him to be explicit, and, while a
modest woman might thus lose her lover, an intriguing female might
annex a man who had never intended to propose to her. The suitor
should be quite frank as to his social position and means. It may be
necessary to enter into private details of his past life. He should
not conceal anything like family disgrace from the one he is asking to
share his name.
Her Point of View.
A woman who loves will not need to be told how to answer her lover's
request. Both lips and eyes will be eloquent without a teacher. There
may be cases where a woman is justified in accepting a man for whom
she only feels liking and respect, provided she has been quite frank
with him, and he is content to have it so. If a man has the fidelity
and pertinacity to ask a woman a second or third time he may find that
the intervening years have worked in his favour; but no woman should
say Yes merely because she is tired of saying No.
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When She May Take the Initiative.
Old-fashioned folk say "Never." An American writer, who calls himself
"A Speculative Bachelor," has quite another idea on the subject. He
asks: "Shall Girls Propose?" "Why is it that in the matter of
initiative a coarse, unattractive young man should have the privilege
to ask any unmarried woman in the whole world to marry him, while his
refined and much more accomplished sister must make no motion towards
any choice of her own except to sit still and wait for some other
girl's mediocre brother to make a proposal to her?"
He goes on to suggest that the practice is a survival of Asiatic
barbarism. While there is no denying the truth of the above picture,
it does go against the grain to think of a woman asking a man to marry
her. We know that ladies of queenly rank have to do it, and lose no
dignity thereby; but we are not all anxious to be royal. There is
something repellent in the idea of a direct offer of marriage coming
from a woman's lips. Indirectly, however, she may do much to further
her own happiness.
When She May Help.
A lady of high rank may take the initiative in breaking down the
barrier of social inequality which she sees is standing between her
and her lover, for a man who would be held back by such a
consideration would be worth bending to. The very wealthy woman, who
is so often wooed for her banking account, yet is well worthy to be
loved for herself, may see with secret joy that only his comparative
poverty is holding back the man of her choice, and she lets love melt
the golden barrier that is keeping them apart. The woman whose heart
has gone out to one physically handicapped in the race with his
fellows; who knows that were he as other men he would woo her with the
love he is now too noble to express, surely she may take the
initiative, and only gain in womanly sweetness by so doing? The woman
who realises that the assurance of her love and faith will impel the
man to more strenuous effort, and make his working and waiting {50}
brighter for the goal that lies beyond, may be forgiven if in her
intense sympathy she betray somewhat of her desire to crown his
success.
A Warning.
There must be no mistake made. The wish must not be father to the
thought. She must be sure that she is beloved and desired. She must
throw out the most delicate feelers, so sensitive that they will at
once detect coldness, and withdraw into the shell of her reserve. She
must not offer herself unsought. She may not fling herself into the
arms of any man's pity.
Whether there are any women who avail themselves of the supposed
privilege of Leap Year, is a question that can only be answered by
those who possibly prefer to keep silence. It is a questionable joke
when a man says before his wife that "she married him"; but can any
self-respecting woman conceive the humiliation of having such words,
with the sting of truth in them, flung at her in the moment of passion
or with the cool contempt of scorn?
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