HOLLOWAY PRISON
When we arrived at the prison we formed up along a passage in the order
of our arrest. We were taken in charge by two or three wardresses who,
without a word or sign of greeting, went through the routine of taking
our names, ages, sentences, etc. Then we were removed into waiting
cells, three or four of us to each one. I found myself, to my joy, in
a cell with our leader, Mrs. Pethick Lawrence, Miss Leslie Lawless and
Mrs. Fahey, daughter of the great sculptor Gilbert. Strength came back
into my bones with delight at being with Mrs. Lawrence. She having
been in the prison before gave us various directions and advice. The
cell was small and old, the walls and ceiling were dirty, the window
of grained glass looked extremely dingy; but Mrs. Lawrence said that
in all probability we should eventually be put into new and very clean
cells. There was only one stool. Mrs. Lawrence had to sacrifice herself
and sit on it, as we none of us would do so in her presence. We ranged
ourselves at her feet on the floor, some of us leaning back against
the wall. I was very happy to meet Mrs. Fahey, her father and mine had
known one another; everything about her had the indication that she was
a good woman and probably would become a great one.
I remember vaguely that conversation turned on to personal yarns as
to how we had severally fared during the Deputation, what had first
brought us into the movement, the experiences of ex-prisoners. We were
to try and claim associated labour and the right to speak to each other
at that time. All other rules so far as we could grasp them were to
be rigidly observed. If anything in the prison routine seemed to us
unjust we were to petition the Home Secretary about it, or ask for an
interview with the Governor. If we were ill or felt that any part of
the prison life was being seriously injurious to our health, we were
to ask to see the doctor. But my recollection of the two or three
hours spent in this cell are vague and shadowy. I was at the end of my
tether, and the craving to be alone overtopped everything else. Soon
after we were inside a light was lit from without, and I noticed for
the first time a curious aperture in the thick wall to the left of the
door. A piece of grained glass near to the passage side of this hole,
shielded the light which was lit from outside. The cell was thus lit
up with rays as from a bull’s eye lantern. These details interested me
very much. I was fascinated in a grim sort of way by the “eye” in the
door of which I had heard so much. An oval wedge-shaped indentation
in the thick nail-studded door, at about the height of one’s head,
was finished off in the centre by a small circular bit of glass about
the size of a large eye-glass. On the passage side of the door this
was overlaid with a bit of wood which could be turned aside like the
flap over a key-hole, for the warders and others to take a look at the
prisoner, unobserved, whenever they chose.
Presently there was a rattling of keys, the lock turned with what
seemed a thundering sound and the door burst open. I thought it must
be some remarkable and unexpected event that had caused so much hurry
and noise, a fire perhaps had broken out, but this was my first
introduction to the prison door drill; the thunder and rattle and haste
I was soon to learn were the invariable accompaniments of being visited
for no matter what cause. The door was opened only a very little way.
No face was to be seen, but a hand thrust in four tins of food and
loaves of bread on to a little shelf in the corner of the cell nearest
to the door. This was our supper--the last meal before the night. The
little brown loaves looked appetising, and we were hungry. The kind of
breakfast one eats before one’s first “trial” is nothing sumptuous,
and the sandwiches brought in by our friends made an excellent but not
too substantial lunch. The slice of cold pressed meat lying at the
bottom of a dirty-looking tin was not attractive, and the cocoa in a
can of the same metal was positively repellent. We most of us ate some
bread, one was bold enough to try the cocoa, no one sampled the meat. I
thought I would keep my loaf as a sleeping draught for whenever bedtime
came to this seemingly endless day.
Some time after supper had been let in upon us, the door was again
opened and “Lytton” was summoned to an unknown presence. I was
conducted to a room where a lady in a bonnet stood waiting to receive
me. She was the Matron. She told me in a civil and considerate manner
that she had a letter for me from my mother which she had been allowed
to give to me. I wondered if my mother were ill or inordinately
distressed at my sentence. I had a great longing to take the letter,
but I had prepared myself for special privileges being extended to me
and I was determined not to profit by anything of the sort unless I
could also secure it for my companions. I asked: “Is it not against
prison rules that I should have the letter?” She looked surprised,
but promptly answered, “We make the rules as the occasion calls for,
and you have been allowed to receive this letter.” “Will the other
Suffrage prisoners also be allowed to receive letters?” She hesitated,
but eventually said decisively, “No.” “Then I am afraid I can’t have
this letter either.” In spite of my effort to conceal it, I think she
saw or guessed my great desire to have the letter, for the look in
her eyes became very kind and she pleaded with me to take the letter.
I shook my head. Then she told me it was within the ordinary rules
that she should read the letter to me. I hesitated for a moment; there
might be something sacredly private in the letter and it seemed such
desecration that strangers should know what my mother felt. Then I
glanced at the envelope and realised that it had been officially opened
and probably read already. So I agreed. The letter had been written
under the agitation of the news about me and was not easily legible
in places, so that the matron, although she did her best, could not
decipher some passages, and the tension of deferred anxiety as to its
contents made my mind and hearing dull from overstrain. As a result,
I received the impression that my mother was more angry with me than
was actually the case. She did not speak of being ill or broken down
herself, and I felt I could bear everything but that; but the imagined
degree of her disapproval shadowed the whole of my imprisonment without
cause. However, when I was handed the letter on my release and read it
for myself, I found in it so much more sympathy than I expected that
the rebound of joy made up for everything. My mother had sent it by
her maid to London, telling her to deliver it into the hands of the
Governor with a covering letter to him asking him kindly to give it to
me. She had thought out all this most considerately so that at least
I might be reassured about herself, and be spared any unnecessary
anxiety. The maid, on arriving at Holloway Prison, had sent my mother’s
card up to the Governor as a passport to his presence and asking if
she, the maid, might see him. He understood it to mean that mother
herself was there, and he came rushing down the stairs in hot haste to
greet her! Poor man, how relieved he must have been to find it was only
her maid!
After the Matron had finished reading the letter I, for the moment,
forgot all wish to restrict my privileges into line with those of other
Suffragettes. I asked, “Can I write an answer to this letter?” “No.”
“Nor send a message?” The Matron shook her head. On returning to my
companions in the waiting cell I told them what had taken place. My
mind was filled with thoughts of my mother and I remember no details
until the door was again thrown open and a wardress told us to line
up in the passage, preparatory to inspection by the medical officer.
It was good to see the rest of the Deputation once more. We were
told to open our dresses and underclothes at the neck so that our
chests might be examined. There was some further waiting, during which
time I was able to take note of the wardresses, several of whom were
waiting about and superintending us while others came and went. They
were fine-looking women, young and vigorous, most of them had good
figures and all of them had beautifully-kept hair which gave me a deal
of pleasure to look at. They wore uniforms more or less in the style
of hospital nurses. Most of them wore dresses of dark blue cloth with
nurse-like, small black bonnets and strings. Some had holland dresses
with aprons, and black velvet bows on their heads. They held themselves
very upright, and their general bearing brought to my mind certain
types of the chaperon’s bench at Court balls.
I had made up my mind to ask the doctor for a few medical privileges.
I dreaded lest he was coming round to inspect and question us as we
stood in the passage, or that we should have to go before some “board”
or “committee” of men. To my relief I found that we were being shown
into a room singly, and when it came to my turn I found there only one
individual, a young man sitting at a table with a big book in front
of him. I stood beside him and answered his questions with regard to
my age, whether I was married or single, what illnesses I had had,
etc. He then tapped my lungs and examined my heart with a stethoscope.
An infancy and youth of chronic rheumatism had affected my heart,
and the treatment I had received as member of the Deputation had
taxed it severely. Moreover, the news of my mother’s distress, the
prison sounds of keys and bolts, the look of the cells, and my fears
lest the doctor should take alarm at my flimsy physique and order my
dismissal from the prison, each added considerably to my agitation of
that moment. The doctor’s impassive face and manner changed to one of
concerned inquiry after testing my heart. He asked many questions,
and seemed with difficulty to believe when I told him that strict
vegetarianism had cured my chronic rheumatism and that it was six
years since I had anything of an attack. I asked to be allowed flannel
underclothing and vegetarian food. It was a new and strange experience
to be so closely examined by a doctor and not to learn anything of his
verdict. I longed to ask him “What are you going to report about me?”
but I knew that I could do nothing if he should answer “Dismiss you,”
and I was anxious to end the interview as soon as possible.
After the medical examination we were soon taken off, separately, to
the changing room. Here my trinkets, money, watch, the combs in my
hair, and everything in my pocket were taken from me and a list made,
which I had to sign. I had a great longing to keep my handkerchiefs.
A wardress sitting at a desk with a large book on it asked a further
string of questions as to age, name, address, place of birth, previous
convictions. As I gave “Vienna, Austria,” for the place of my birth, my
father having been in the diplomatic service, I thought how impossible
it would have seemed had some seer foretold, at the time of my birth
in an official residence, that I was destined to be imprisoned in
Holloway as a common criminal. A description of the prisoner’s personal
appearance was also entered in the book. It was a comic moment when the
wardress looked up with her head on one side, as any portrait painter
might do, to investigate the colour of one’s hair and eyes. During all
these processes I had a first opportunity of noticing the manner of
the wardresses which so many Suffragette friends had described to me,
but which had conveyed no clear impression to my mind. I noticed that
there was no inflection in the voice when speaking to prisoners, nor
did the wardresses look at them when addressing them. As a prisoner, it
was almost impossible to look in the eyes of my keepers, they seemed to
fear that direct means of communication; it was as if the wardresses
wore a mask, and withdrew as much as possible all expression of their
own personality or recognition of it in the prisoner. At first, the
impression received was as of something farcical. I remember that it
amused me immensely and absorbed my attention with a sort of fascinated
curiosity. But this soon went off, and made way for a chilling,
deadening impression. When later on I saw it applied to the ordinary
prisoner, to my companions, to our leader, Mrs. Pethick Lawrence, it
aroused in me a feeling of indignation and strong resentment.
One corner of this room was divided off by a curtain. I was told to
go behind it and take off my clothes. As I removed them one by one
I wondered what would have been my experiences by the time I should
see them again. I was handed a cotton chemise, woollen stockings and
a petticoat. In this queer get-up I was taken to be weighed and
then shown to a bath. The bath compartments were close together in a
passage, like stalls in a stable, each one only just large enough to
contain the bath and a few inches of standing room at one end. The
door was of the cowshed order, about three feet deep, space above and
below, and without a fastening. As I was ushered into one of these,
an ordinary 3rd Division prisoner handed me a bundle of clothes and a
pair of laced shoes. She had a charming, sympathetic face, and I never
shall forget the look of deep kindness in her eyes and in her voice as
she whispered to me, “If the shoes are too small, ask the officer and
she’ll let you have a larger pair.” My tired body, my very soul, seemed
to bask in comfort at her words. I looked and nodded my thanks to her,
afraid to speak, for I had been warned how we might get the prisoners
into trouble by breaking the silence rule with them.
“So this is the bath of evil fame,” I thought, as I put down the
bundle of clothes on the floor and pulled the cowshed door after me.
For the most part, whatever bit of prison life I had heard about as
specially objectionable seemed to me less bad than I had expected, and
being prepared I was forearmed to put up with it without grumbling.
But the much-abused, dirty bath which had been so often described by
our prisoners, surpassed all expectations. The paint was blistered
and broken to a surface of mottled unevenness in a way to gather the
scum from the water into a thousand crevices every time the bath was
used. Whatever the original colour of the paint might have been, it
was now of a dull mud colour, sufficiently dirty-looking to arouse
every sort of suspicion, but not dark enough to conceal the marks of
the scum most recently added to the crevices. A large but well-worn
scrubbing brush was the only washing appliance, whether for the purpose
of scrubbing the bath or the bather was not stated, probably it was
used indiscriminately for both. I had been given a small towel of
oatmeal-coloured coarse linen striped with red, and a piece of soap
wrapped up in a rag of white flannelette. The water was clean and
delightfully hot. I tried to concentrate my mind on these two great
merits and to raise a sense of present luxury by remembering that this
was the last bath I should be able to indulge in for a week. The soap
had a smell of disinfectant like dog soap, clean and hygienic enough,
no doubt, but under the circumstances a disagreeable reminder of its
anti-verminous properties. The towel, which at first sight seemed
ludicrously small and inadequate for the purpose of drying a body so
large as mine, disclosed with use an almost miraculous faculty for
not absorbing moisture. It left one to dry by dint of friction; my
admiration for this towel grew even greater on closer acquaintance
with it. Then came the moment for the clothes. They certainly looked
a most repellent heap, and it was some time before I recognised their
respective uses, and could decide in what order to put them on. I was
pleased to see that the flannel garments promised by the doctor were
there. Some of my companions, although they asked for and received
permission for the same privilege, did not get any flannel clothes
until the second week, and some not through the whole term of their
imprisonment. Warmth being my first consideration I started off with
a low-necked flannel shirt without sleeves. It was patched in many
places, the patches being so coarsely joined that one could easily
trace their pattern from sensation while wearing it. The flannel was of
numerous shades of yellow and grey, stained in many places, and freely
marked with the broad arrow stamped on in black ink. The original
cut of the shirt had evidently been nondescript. It was very short,
reaching barely below the hips and low at the neck, and the patches set
in at random had added variety and counter design in many directions.
It looked like the production of a maniac. For propaganda purposes it
was an absolutely priceless garment and I determined that, if possible,
it should accompany me out of prison, for the enlightenment of those
critics who are appalled at the leniency of the prison treatment of
Suffragettes. Next I put on a chemise of unbleached, coarse cotton,
striped with red, fairly high at the neck, but without sleeves. This
however, was long to the knees and from its ample voluminous width was
one of the most warmth-producing of the garments. A pair of stays made
without bones but exceedingly stiff and straight in shape. They had
no fastenings and had to be laced up each time; the lace had no metal
tag so that it was a slow process. These stays were so unyielding that
I found it impossible to tie my petticoats around the sheer precipice
of their make, and the very next day I had the courage to dispense
with them. Flannel drawers, short like footballing “shorts,” ditto of
unbleached cotton. A very short flannel petticoat. An old-fashioned
under-petticoat of coarse, linseed-coloured material, thickly pleated
into a cotton band at the waist--it stuck out almost like a crinoline.
Then came the dress, skirt of dark green serge, pleated in same way
as the petticoat and tied with black tape strings, the shirt of same
material fastened by a single button at the neck; this was the only
garment with long sleeves. A blue check apron which tied in the shirt
and gave a very neat appearance. Finally, a small Dutch cap of starched
white calico, tied under the chin with tapes. These caps are full of
stains, from hairpin rust, etc., when seen from within, but outwardly
they have an extremely clean and attractive appearance, redeeming the
degraded look of the dress and decidedly becoming to many of the women.
They pleased me immensely from the first and were a constant joy to my
eyes in all my imprisonments. Two check dusters were supplied, one as a
handkerchief to hang from the apron string, one to be folded diagonally
and worn round the neck, under the serge shirt. I always have thought
this the most comfortable neck covering imaginable and the short
time it takes to put on was a daily renewed pleasure compared to the
complicated neck apparatus of more civilised modern garments with their
innumerable hooks and eyes, pins, brooches, etc. The drawback to this
duster-necktie was that it was identical with the handkerchief-duster,
and, as they were changed from week to week, there was no means of
knowing whether one’s neckerchief of one week had not been the nose
kerchief of another prisoner on previous occasions. As the clothes came
from the laundry with many stains, unironed, unmangled, and looking
in many respects as if they had not been washed, this detail of the
handkerchiefs remained throughout my time in prison one of the most
trying of the physical and minor disagreeables. All the clothes were
marked with the broad arrow, if light in colour they were marked with
black ink or some kind of tar-like sticky substance; if the clothes
were dark, as the petticoat and dress, then with whiting. The stockings
were of thick, rough wool, most irritating to the skin but warm. I
never had a pair that were long enough to cover my knees, and as the
drawers stopped short of the knees in the opposite direction I had the
chance of sampling the knee part of a Highlander’s dress. I thought it
very uncomfortable. Woollen strips were given for garters; I thought
these practical and hygienic. Last of all I turned to the shoes. They
were immensely heavy and looked large enough for a giant, they were new
and exceedingly stiff. After a great struggle I managed to get them on,
but they were so uncomfortable that I remembered the advice of the kind
woman and took them off again. I supposed that now would be my only
chance of asking for another pair, and, although I never have been able
to muster much courage in facing rebuffs, I had an impression that I
should not grow any bolder as prison life went on. It is comparatively
easy to plead or protest on behalf of some general principle, but to
do so for personal advantage was a more effortful business, and yet it
seemed foolish to go in for needless discomforts when a remedy had been
almost officially suggested. I gathered up my soap and towel and put
my head over the cowshed door to inquire if I might come out. My eyes
fell on a prisoner waiting in the passage. She was of the 2nd Division,
for she wore a green dress; those of the 3rd Division wear brown. Her
face had a genial expression and broke into a radiant smile as our eyes
met. I thought I had never seen a more attractive-looking being. In
spite of the subservient humility which the prison uniform conveys, the
look of self-mastery and consequent dignity was prominently expressed
in every line of her face and of her whole form. I felt drawn to
her by a feeling of mixed curiosity and sympathy and determined to
communicate with her if possible. It never occurred to me that she was
a Suffragette. She was Mrs. Pethick Lawrence, as the smile in her eyes
betrayed before many moments had passed. My delight at recognising her
was quickly succeeded by an almost irrepressible wave of indignant
feeling that she should be subjected to these outward symbols of
criminality and shame. However little they were able to degrade her,
the authorities had sentenced her to wear them with that intent. The
futility and injustice of their action seemed to me at that moment
about on a par with each other.
A wardress told me I might come out. I picked up my shoes and went with
them in my hand to an “officer” who seemed to be the most authoritative
person present. I said to her, “I find these shoes are rather small for
me. Could you kindly let me have a bigger pair?” She seemed not to have
heard what I said, did not look my way, but shouted past me into the
air, speaking in a loud voice, very rapidly, and without any variety of
intonation in a way that sounded strange and unnatural, as if she were
proclaiming an edict written by another person: “It’s -- no -- good --
complaining -- about -- those; they’re -- the -- largest -- size --
in -- stock; you -- can’t -- have -- any -- others -- so -- you’d --
better -- make -- the -- best -- of -- them.” As soon as I realised
that she was answering me I felt very curious and interested. “So that
is what it means,” I thought, “being in prison.” It required no flight
of the imagination, no tags of theory, to understand what the effect of
this manner would be on an ordinary prisoner.
Mrs. Lawrence and I waited together in the passage. Presently a
wardress came up to us with a paper in her hand and began reading out
the prison rules, which we were told had to be strictly observed under
pain of punishment. There were a great many dealing with a variety of
subjects. She read very fast like a wooden automaton, as if she herself
were weary of this too frequent job. Although I had heard of many of
the rules before from previous prisoners, I could with difficulty catch
the drift, and it struck me how little the ordinary prisoner would be
able to glean from this hurried reading of rules absolutely new to her,
framed in official language often far beyond her comprehension.
We were then led off through various corridors, taken out of doors and
into another building, weighed a second time, and taken up a staircase.
At the top we were told to remove our shoes and carry them in our
hands. In the passage there were cells with locked gates that looked
very grim, and locked doors behind them. One door opposite the stairs
was open and the gate only closed. This was unlocked for us and we
were ushered into a large high room. A fire burned brightly at one end
and beds were ranged on either side of the walls. It was evidently a
hospital ward. We were shown to the beds nearest the fire-place, on
either side of it, and told they would be ours. Mrs. Lawrence came over
to me and whispered, “They have put us in hospital.” The one thing
on which my hopes had centred throughout that seemingly eternal day
was the prospect of being completely alone at the end of it. Now that
was not to be. For the first time I was taken unawares, had made no
preparation for the contingency; I felt quite unnerved and could have
sobbed like a child. The fact that I was to remain with Mrs. Lawrence
was my only consolation.
The ward was large and high, with big windows of grained glass at
either end, opened at the top by pulleys so that one could not see out,
but the ventilation was perfect. There were grating ventilators as well
as the windows. It was well warmed by hot pipes running the length of
one wall and by a large coal fire. The furnishings of the fire-place
were both comic and grimly suggestive. A cage of thick iron bars
covered it, from the mantelpiece to the floor, the cage had a central
gate fastened by a padlock and inside this prison was a poker chained
to the side of the grate, as if it could not be trusted not to run away
and escape through the iron bars of the cage. I looked round to see how
much of lunacy, or violent criminality, such as were suggested by these
precautions, was represented amongst the present inmates. There were
ten beds in all, but only four or five occupants; most of them were
already in bed--one looked extremely ill. A wardress, like a nurse, in
a holland gown, came in accompanied by a 3rd Division prisoner carrying
a wicker tray fitted with bottles containing drugs--the “poison-basket”
I called it; it returned regularly twice a day. A dark-looking mixture
was poured into a little cup and handed to me. I explained that I
never took drugs and begged to be excused. “You’ve got to swallow that
to-night--those are my orders, there’s no choice about it. You can ask
the medical officer about it to-morrow.” I supposed that responsibility
for my refusal would fall upon the wardress, so I drank it down.
We were given slippers to replace the coarse nailed shoes which were
not allowed to be worn in hospital on account of the polished wooden
floor. The slippers were of yellow leather, blackened by much use.
They were extremely dirty, both outside and in, and I made up my mind
never to wear them without the protection of a stocking. Mine were not
a pair, each one had an independence of size and shape which seemed to
endow them with almost human personality; but they were comfortable,
and I grew strangely fond of them before the end of my time. Our
beds were already made; we were each brought a night-gown of coarse,
unbleached calico striped with an occasional red line and marked at
intervals with the broad arrow in tar-like ink; it had long sleeves. We
were also provided with a short, grey flannel dressing-gown and a small
tooth-brush. We were told to undress and to tie up our day clothes in
our aprons, all but the caps; these being both white and starched were
treated with the utmost reverence. I discovered that this arrangement
was most detrimental to the appearance of the apron the next day. Some
prison rules, however trivial and apparently unimportant, are rigidly
enforced, others after the first instructions are never referred to
again. This was one of those, luckily, for an appearance of neatness in
the prisoners depends entirely upon the cap and apron. I soon ventured
upon a different plan of damping the apron over night, folding it
evenly as for ironing and binding it tightly round the heating pipe
whenever I could secure a share of that much sought-after luxury, for
the pipe was not on my side of the ward. This device was successful to
the point of giving me a ludicrous amount of pleasure. When the clothes
were dealt out from the laundry once a week they looked as if they
had been washed in cold water by a child, but the hot-pipe dodge soon
gave them quite a presentable look. In the free world I am accustomed
to sleep in flannel sheets, woollen under-clothes, and a hot bottle,
also with two flannel pillows. The prison equipment was, of course,
not of that order. I took off the dress, stiff petticoat, stays and
neckerchief, but kept on all the rest of the day clothing and wore it
under my night-gown. I also kept on the night-gown in the day time, as
it was the only under-garment with long sleeves. This flagrant break of
the regulations on my part was either not observed or was winked at by
the authorities while I remained in hospital.
The bedsteads were of iron, the bedding much more luxurious than I had
expected--two mattresses, a pillow, three blankets and calico sheets,
unbleached, with red stripes, and marked frequently with the broad
arrow, as was the rest of the bedding. My sheet, where turned over at
the head, had a large stain, as if oil had been dropped upon it. The
stain was dry, but, nevertheless, extremely objectionable to look at.
I remade the bed, putting the other end of the sheet at the top, only
to find that the stains were everywhere. I seem to have been specially
unfortunate in my outfit on arrival, for both this sheet and my flannel
shirt were more revolting in appearance than anything I saw again in
the whole course of my imprisonments. In one respect I was lucky. My
dress skirt, though painted here and there with the broad arrow and not
new, was yet quite clean and of a convenient length; some of us had to
submit to a skirt that touched the ground, an undesirable length in a
place where dust abounds abnormally and no clothes brush is available,
or else so short that the legs were disagreeably exposed and gave
the appearance of a child’s dress. My dress shirt was quite new, had
evidently not been worn before, a luxury which I much appreciated,
since the sleeves were worn next to the skin and it was made of
non-washing material.
At each end of the bed was a small iron shelf. At the head were kept
a pint mug for water, tooth-brush, soap, towel, brush and comb. On
the shelf at the foot were a Bible, prayer book, hymn book, small
devotional book, called “The Narrow Way,” and an instructive book on
domestic hygiene, “A Perfect Home and How To Keep It.” This contained
two chapters on the necessity of perfect ventilation in sleeping
rooms, the want of which gave rise to ceaseless complaints from the
Suffragettes in the cells, and the attempt to instruct prisoners by
means of a book, while denying them the primal need therein declared
to be essential, seemed a cruel as well as a rather ludicrous form of
sarcasm.
We proceeded to undress. I took down my hair, which in those days I
wore puffed out round the head by means of fluffing the inner hair.
The hair brush was of the size and shape of a small shoe brush, black
and with black bristles which, in this particular brush of mine, were
almost worn away. The comb was like a doll’s comb, exactly the size
of my first finger. Though my hair was not particularly abundant,
I struggled in vain for the first two days to get it completely
disentangled with these utterly inadequate tools. There were no looking
glasses anywhere in the prison except, so I heard it rumoured, in the
doctor’s room, but I never saw it when there. I did not attempt to
dress my hair, but did it up in a tight “bun” at the back of my head.
This not only seemed to me most suitable for the prison cap and dress,
but also I had an eye to seizing the advantages of the prison life.
If one was not to have the comforts and luxuries of free, civilised
existence, I thought one had better shed as many as possible of its
burdens; I have always ranked hair dressing as one of these. Some
ex-prisoners had told me that the hair pins we took into prison in
our hair would have to suffice us till our release. Others said that
more could be obtained for the asking. I very soon found out that
asking for extras of this kind generally produced a refusal and often
something of a scolding as well, so that I limited my requests to those
which would, I thought, be of general advantage to others as well as
to myself. I never saw any hair pins being given out, and by the day
of my release my own supply had fallen to three. Despite this lazy
decision on my part I had the greatest admiration for those prisoners
who took a contrary view and who in the teeth of difficulties, such
as no looking glass, an ever-diminishing supply of hair pins, and the
brush and comb as described, yet managed to produce elaborately dressed
heads of hair. Amongst the Suffragettes, a large proportion of them had
remarkably beautiful and abundant hair, which when, towards the end of
my sentence, I saw them in the exercise yard gave me an immense amount
of pleasure. Some of these managed to dress their hair in puffed out
and fashionable ways. Amongst the ordinary prisoners I remember one
in particular who, in the way of hair dressing, excited my admiration
almost to the point of awe. She could boast of no good looks, her face
and her hair were of almost the same shade of pale sand-colour. Through
all the week-days, whenever I saw her, a generous portion of her front
hair was rolled up with bits of the thin, brown toilet paper, of which
a practically unlimited supply is served out to each prisoner, and
which is put to a great variety of uses. On Sunday morning the curl
papers were there as usual, but on Sunday afternoon the bond-hair was
made free and a glory of frizzled hair encircled and brightened her
poor, tired face. This adherence to outer-world Sabbatarian tradition
and conformity to the requirements of orthodox public opinion had a
meaning, an artistic and moral expression almost, in prison, such
as they lack when occurring in ordinary life. The good-will and
neighbourliness of which, no doubt, they were the outward symbol, had
met with their reward, for this woman was allowed a share in some of
the more privileged duties of the prison service.
I felt very tired as I laid down in the bed, but my brain was screwed
to a pitch of nervous excitement that drove away all possibility of
sleep. The bed and pillow were stonily hard. My pulses beat against the
pillow; the stuffing of it gave back a sort of rattling echo to every
beat. A naked gas jet immediately in front of my eyes was alight all
night. At a long table underneath it sat a wardress reading or sewing
at her own clothes. One of the patients in a bed next but one to mine
seemed to be very ill. She tossed and turned continually, as if in a
high fever, and her voice sounded parched as she coughed or called out
in a half delirious sleep. My distress for her grew as I watched her.
The wardress took not the smallest notice of her. I kept on scheming
as to how I could help her, but my courage repeatedly failed me. At
last I could bear it no longer. I went up to her bed and whispered, “Is
there anything I can do for you?” She answered, “I should like a little
water.” I took the pint mug of white earthenware from the shelf behind
her. It was empty; I took it to the wardress. “May I get that patient
some water?” I asked. She nodded assent. I went to a washing-stand with
two jugs and basins on it that stood against the wall opposite the
entrance door. The wardress beckoned to me and pointed towards another
door which led to a small vestibule giving on to a sink and lavatory.
This door was kept locked in the day time, but now it was open, another
door leading from the vestibule to the landing being locked at night.
I drew some fresh water from the tap. The water in Holloway seemed
to be like mountain water, better than any I have ever tasted in a
town--I suppose because the dry air in prison combined with much dust
makes one very thirsty. The prisoner thanked me most gratifyingly and
told me she was very ill with influenza. I ventured to whisper before
leaving her, “Are you a Suffragette?” “Rather,” came the prompt reply,
and her face brightened at the word. She was a nurse, Miss Povey, of
the Freedom League. The wardress herself had a hard, hacking, bronchial
cough, which must have hurt her a good deal. I longed to suggest
various things to her to ease it, but I had not the courage. Though I
was immensely tired, all possibility of sleep seemed to go further and
further from me, and I was too much on view for my thoughts to rest
on my home and our people. Finally, I settled down to watching the
wardress and the other prisoners, and wondering who they were and what
their crimes. I had never seen many people in bed at night before. It
was amusing to watch their various ways of lying and gestures, but none
of them seemed to be really asleep, or only for very short spells at a
time. The wardress had meals brought to her, and there would be short
snatches of whispered conversation with the wardress who brought them
in. It seemed to me that it must be an appalling way of passing one’s
time. There was not the interest of a night nurse nor the excitement of
a policeman on the beat. There was a large clock at one end of the ward
above a swing door leading to a lavatory. It was an unexpected luxury
to be able to watch the time.