CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that
the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of
two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting
another.
When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed
to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the
death of an enemy?" "Ah, 't is true," replied the great Stoic; "but you
should see me smile at the death of a friend."
CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.
CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the
show business. There are two kinds of camels--the camel proper and the
camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.
CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple
tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
The practice of cannibalism was once universal, as the smallest
knowledge of philology will serve to show. "Oblige us," says the erudite
author of the Delectatio Demonorum, "by considering the derivation of
the word 'sarcophagus,' and see if it be not suggestive of potted meats.
Observe the significance of the phrase 'sweet sixteen.' What a world
of meaning lurks in the expression 'she's as sweet as a peach,' and how
suggestive of luncheon are the words 'tender youth!' A kiss is but a
modified bite, and a fond mother, when she rapturously avers that her
babe is 'almost good enough to eat,' merely shows that she is herself
only a trifle too good to eat it."
CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national
boundaries.
CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by Jesters at the Court of Heaven.
CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the
pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist. The
part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat.
Capital punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of
which many worthy persons--including all the assassins--entertain grave
misgivings.
CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mt. Carmel.
As Death was a-riding out one day,
Across Mount Carmel he took his way,
Where he met a mendicant monk,
Some three or four quarters drunk,
With a holy leer and a pious grin,
Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,
Who held out his hands and cried:
"Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.
Give in the name of the Church. O give,
Give that her holy sons may live!"
And Death replied,
Smiling long and wide:
"I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee--
a ride."
With a rattle and bang
Of his bones, he sprang
From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;
By the neck and the foot
Seized the fellow, and put
Him astride with his face to the rear.
The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell
Like clods on the coffin's empty shell:
"Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,
Will ride to the devil!"--and thump
Fell the flat of his dart on the rump
Of the charger, which galloped away.
Faster and faster and faster it flew,
Till the rocks, and the flocks, and the trees that
grew
By the road, were dim, and blended, and blue
To the wild, wide eyes
Of the rider--in size
Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.
Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh
At a burial service spoiled,
And the mourners' intentions foiled
By the body erecting
Its head and objecting
To further proceedings in its behalf.
Many a year and many a day
Have passed since these events away.
The monk has long been a dusty corse,
And Death has never recovered his horse.
For the friar got hold of its tail,
And steered it within the pale
Of the monastery gray,
Where the beast was stabled and fed,
With barley, and oil, and bread,
Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,
And so in due course was appointed Prior.