CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous
vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author
of the celebrated dictum, Cogito, ergo sum-- whereby he was pleased to
suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might
be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito, ergo cogito sum--"I think that
I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty
as any philosopher has yet made.
CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked
when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
This is a dog,
This is a cat,
This is a frog,
This is a rat.
Run, dog, mew, cat,
Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
Elevenson.
CAVILER, n. A critic of one's own work.
CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets
write at a target and stonecutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions
following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these
Olympian games:
"His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook
them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a
rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here commemorated by his
family, who shared them."
"In the earth we here prepare a
Place to lay our little Clara.
--Thomas M. and Mary Frazer.
P. S.--Gabriel will raise her."
CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division
of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who
followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The
best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse
added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the
Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated
sacred history.
CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the
entrance--against whom or what does not clearly appear. Everybody, sooner
or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.
Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have
credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose
clerkly erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion
great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number
twenty-seven--a judgment that would be entirely conclusive if Professor
Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something about
arithmetic.
CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy
of infancy and the folly of youth--two removes from the sin of manhood
and three from the remorse of age.
CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!
The godly multitudes walked to and fro
Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
With pious mien, appropriately sad,
While all the church bells made a solemn din
A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
With tranquil face, upon that holy show
A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
"God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are
No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
And yet I entertain the hope that you,
Like these good people, are a Christian too."
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
It made me with a thousand blushes burn
Replied--his manner with disdain was spiced:
"What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I 'm Christ."