BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will
adjudge a punishment called trigamy.
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
that you do not entertain.
BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of disasters. As to the nature of it
there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from
the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone.
Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out
of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that
Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of
lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Ætna, and I have
myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for the display like a
box of berries in a market--the fine ones on top--have been opened on the
wrong side. An inverted gentleman.
BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters--the most difficult kind of
English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by
those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young
physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the
undertaker. The hyena.
"One night," a doctor said, "last fall,
I and my comrades, four in all,
When visiting a grave-yard stood
Within the shadow of a wall.
While waiting for the moon to sink
We saw a wild hyena slink
About a new-made grave, and then
Begin to excavate its brink!
Shocked by the horrid act, we made
A sally from our ambuscade,
And, falling on the unholy beast,
Dispatched him with a pick and spade."
Bettel K. Jhones.
BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to
become responsible for that entrusted to another.
Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute
nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to
give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give you my word of
honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused
Regent.
"Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold."
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to eat,
as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which
are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.
BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of the other.
BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has all things, in permitting one
who has nothing to get all he can.
"A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every
year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of
the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creature."
Henry Ward Beecher.
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and
destroyed by Siva--a rather neater division of labor than is found among
the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are
created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests
of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men
who are never naughty.
O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,
First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
You sit there so calm and securely,
With feet folded up so demurely--
You're the First Person Singular, surely.
Polydore Smith.
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which
distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who
wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been
pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that
his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under
our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is
rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one
part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-thegrave
and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is
said, by Carlyle, I think, to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will
venture to drink it.
BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.
C
CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the
patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps
asked the archangel for bread.
CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
as a man's head.
The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the
throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire, consisting
of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in
the royal garden. When any of His Majesty's measures of state policy
miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members
of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were
appeased.
CACKLE, v. i. To celebrate the birth of an egg.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when
There's nothing vital in the egg they 've laid;
And there are hens, professing to have made
A study of mankind, who say that men
Whose business is to drive the tongue or pen
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
O'er their most worthless work, and I 'm afraid
In this respect they 're really like the hen.
Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
His blazing breeches and high-towering cap,
Imperiously pompous, "bloody, bold
And resolute"--an awe-inspiring chap!
Who'd think this gorgeous hero's only virtue
Is that in battle he will never hurt you?