Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been
detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room
table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's
Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very
hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have _note takers_ at all such
public meetings."
CLOSE SHAVING.
The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the
Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court
of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a
short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed
in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the
Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily
replied, "he might be a very _clever man_, but he was certain he was not
a _close shaver_."
THE RACKET COURT.
The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive
as they should be. During the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury
had occasion once or twice to request silence; when the man, in a reply
to a question from his lordship relative to his occupation, answered
that "he kept a _racket court_." "Indeed," said the judge, and looking
archly at the bar, continued, "and I am very sorry to say that I am
Chief Justice of a _racket court_ much too often."
POT LUCK.
A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of
vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at
his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than
harmony, used to assemble under his windows, making the most hideous
noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "_giving him a shaloo_," upon which
the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the
heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For
this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who,
in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the
plaintiffs must be considered in the light of _uninvited guests_, and it
could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with
_pot-luck_."
In a humorous trial between the rival managers, Messrs. Daly and
Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of "My
Grandmother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel
stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his
infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to
that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply,
observed, "That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more
largely, _in one way_, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly; and it
was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should
send them _the cash_. But," continued the facetious counsel, "although
Mr. Daly's attachment to _good pieces_ is proverbial, we do not choose
that he shall monopolize all the _good pieces_ in Dublin, from '_My
Grandmother_' down to '_Miss in her Teens_.'"
LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH.
SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF
He's dead! alas, facetious _punster_,
Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir:
From heaven's high court, a _tipstaff's_ sent,
To call him to his _pun_-ishment:--
Stand to your ropes! ye sextons, ring!
Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding!
Nor-bury him without his due,
He was himself a Toler[22] too!
[22] The Learned Judge's name.
[Illustration]
PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
THE SPORTING PUNSTERS.
Two merry wags, of Cockney land,
Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand,
Where tavern wits choice puns let fly,
Resolved their dogs and guns to try.
Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit,
With jacket, belt, and net to boot,
Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise,
To take the pheasants by surprise.
And what will strange appear, though true,
A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view,
Uprising 'tween the punning elves,
Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves.
Condoling on their hapless gunning,
They yet could not desist from punning:
"Ne'er mind, Tom, _peasants_ each we've hit."
"Why leave the _aitch_, Ned, out of it?"
"Because," quoth Ned, "I'd fain forget
The _aitch_ that frets my body yet."
"Still _pop_ for _pop_," quoth Tom again.
Says Ned, "I feel a _shooting pain_;
But then I've heard, those who aspire
To be good sportsmen must stand fire."
"Agreed," cries Tom, "and in my head
'Tis now engraved in _molten lead_."
_By_ Bernard Blackmantle.
ON SIR THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND.
When _More_ had few years Chancellor been,
No _more_ suits did remain;
The like shall never _more_ be seen,
Till _More_ be there again!
R.B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT.
The nation is _pawn'd_! we shall find to our cost,
And the minister since has the _duplicate_ lost.
We shall all be undone by the politic schemer,
Who, though "_Heav'n-born_[23]," will not prove a _Redeemer_.
[23] In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so designated.
ON "RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE
LATE R.C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON."
A mighty DULL ASS is old prosing Dallas,
And quite as dull and prosing is his Son--
What! fifteen shillings for the book! Alas!
No pleasant "_Recollection_"----I am _done_.
DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER.
Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house.
"And what's your sign?" said the Dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if
your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of
motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The
Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long
graced the barber's sign:
"Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here,
Where nought excels the _shaving_ but the _beer_."
G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE,
_Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage and
retirement from the stage._
You bloom and charm us!--still the bosom grieves,
When Trees of _your description_ take their _leaves_.
TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR,
_On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla._
Dear Captain Parry, you are right
To give the belles a levee;
God grant your _dancing_ may be _light_,
For oh! your _book is heavy_.
SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB.
_Elia's Pen._
Says _Elia_, "Zounds, this pen is hard!"
Quoth Samuel Rogers, "Do not huff;
But write away, my honey bard,
You soon can make it _soft enough_."
FRI _v._ DAY.
_Good Friday_ rain'd, _Sam Rogers_ dined
On soles, for fish were all the go;
And Sam allowed the _Fri_ was _good_,
Although the _day_ was but _so so_.
TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS.
_Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of
Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the
Marquis of Huntley._
An _apple_, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace,
Who from Paradise quickly was driven;
But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case,
For a _Melon_ transports you to heaven.
TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW.
Her mourning is all make-believe;
'Tis plain there's nothing in it;
With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve,
The while she's laughing in it.
IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE,
ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE.
'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain;
For he never knew pleasure who never knew _Payne_.
TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE.
God's noblest work's an _honest man_,
Says Pope's instructive line;
To make an _honest woman_, then,
Most surely is divine.
TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY.
You _move_ the people, when you speak,
For one by one, _away_ they sneak.
COWPER'S HOMER.
_Any-mad-versions_ when like this I see,
_Animadversions_ they will draw from me.
TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR.
_With his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the
Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton._
Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,
For I wish not to keep it a minute;
What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire,
Is sure to be instantly in it.
ON THE COUNTESS OF B----, WHO WAS RUINED AT
THE GAMING TABLE.
_Card-table epitaph._
Clarinda reign'd the queen of _hearts_,
Like sparkling _diamonds_ were her eyes;
Till by the knave of _clubs'_ false arts,
Here bedded by a _spade_ she lies.
ADAM AND MACADAM.
"The Macadamized streets are extremely _dusty_."--
_Morning Paper._
Adam was made of borrow'd dust;
So says the Bible; and, 'tis plain,
Macadam, to discharge the trust,
To dust turns all the _ways of men_.
THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN.
_A hint to clever men employed on such occasions._
"Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours say
The jury mean _to sit on him_ to day."
"Know'st thou for what?" said Tom.--Quoth Ned, "no doubt
'Tis merely done _to squeeze the water out_."
BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX.
_Royal Pun-Dit._
Come, lament, all ye _Rogers_, of punning renown,
Whose praises are sung by the[24] Puss sex,
For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town
Is the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex.
In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts,
And telling the names of its Patrons,
He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street boasts,
No matter if spinsters or matrons.
First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss:
Said his Grace "Were such joys ever given!
We enter the first--for the way we can't miss:
We enter the second--'_tis Heaven_!"
[24] Puss, a domestic animal--allegorically a mature spinster--_a
tabby_.--Johnson.
TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS."
Your _prose_ and _verse_ alike are bad,
Methinks you both transpose;
Your _prose_ e'en like your _verse_ runs mad,
And all your _verse_ is _prose_.
DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER.
_The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer,
for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert,
by his friend Peter Pindar._
Son of the _string_, (I do not mean _Jack Ketch_,
Though Jack, like _thee_, produceth _dying tones_,)
Oh! yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
And for to-morrow's _treat_, pray send thy _bones_!
BY LORD BYRON,
_On Southey's house being on fire._
Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates,
Abstulit: hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phœbe, placet?
O scelus, ô magnum facinus, crimenque deorum,
Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus.
_Martial_, Lib. xi. Epig. 94.
The Laureate's house hath been on fire! the Nine
All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine:
But, cruel fate! Oh damnable disaster!
The house--the house is burnt, and not the master!
GEORGE TIERNEY, M.P.
_The Inclosure Bill._
If 'tis a crime in man or woman,
A goose to pilfer from a common;
What can a parliament excuse,
To steal a _common_ from a _goose_?
ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE,
_A lady remarkably short in stature._
Thrice happy Tom--I think him so;
For mark the poet's song,--
"Man wants but little here below,
Nor wants that little _long_."
ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN
AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS.
His _time_ was _quick_, his _touch_ was fleet,
Our gold he nimbly _finger'd_;
Alike alert with _hands_ and _feet_,
His _movements_ have not linger'd.
Where lies the wonder of the case?
A moment's thought detects it;
His _practice_ has been _thorough-bass_,
A _chord_ will be his exit.
SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM.
A father and son much addicted to drink,
Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee;
Said the parent, "Why, Tom, thou dost drink mighty deep,
Though you'll say that you take _after_ me."
"No, _father_," cried Tom, "I will never say so,
Nor _do_ so, I hope, by St. Paul;
For, 'tis certain, that if I did _take after you_,
I should drink _scarcely any at all_!"
BY LORD HARBOROUGH.
If _Love's_ a _flame_, as ancient poets prove,
Ah, me! how _cold's_ the _fire_ of my _Love_.
ON A PAINTED FAIR.
Ye ladies who _paint_, may most safely declare,
With _Horace_, that _dust_ and a _shadow_ ye are.
CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM.
An epigram, what is it, honey?
A little poem, short and funny;
About four lines in length,--not more:
Then this _is_ one, for here are four.
ON A MISER NAMED MORE.
_Iron_ was his chest,
_Iron_ was his door;
His hand was _iron_,
And his heart was _More_.
ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE.
_Written during the O.P. contest._
_Actor_ and _Architect_, he tries
To please the critics, one and all;
This bids the _private tiers_ to rise,
And that the _public tears_ to fall.
MAIDS AND BACHELORS.
Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes;
It may be true--but, tarry--
They're bachelors that fill those shapes
Because they did not marry.
ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN
ARM IN ARM.
How D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls!
I dub them both a race of noddies:
Old D.D. has the cure of souls,
And M.D. has the care of bodies.
Between them both, what treatment rare
Our souls and bodies must endure!
One has the cure without the care,
And one the care without the cure.
ONE LAWYER MORE.
"Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by?"
"I do not know of _one_," was the reply;
"But if one _less_ were living, I am sure,
Mankind his absence safely might endure."
PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.
In critics this country is rich;
In friendship and love who can match 'em:
When writers are plagued with the _itch_,
They hasten most kindly to _scratch_ 'em.
DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE
INNS OF COURT.
The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron
bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters,
cattle, or other nuisances from coming in,--it
called forth the following lines from a "_fat
single gentleman_" to the principal and ancients.
Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, attend
To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers,
Whose _studies_ make him _lusty_;--oh! befriend!
Or I shall surely call you _ancient codgers_.
'Tis true I came here, looking to _the bar_,
And hop'd to have _a call_ some day unto it;
But at _your entrance_ now there _many_ are,
Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it.
"_I can't get out_," as Sterne's poor starling said,
Unless I ask the porter to unlock it;
This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed,
Or 'gainst my _corpus_ you must strike a docket.
This may reduce me to a decent size,
And let me pass your cursed bars of iron;
Put up to keep us from the _London cries_,
Which now your _sanctum sanctorum_ environ.
For if I can't be _taken in_, 'tis clear
I cannot be _let out_; and that gives trouble.
Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, oh! hear!
And let me _pass the bar_--I'm David Double.
ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY.
That _Homer_ should a bankrupt be
Is not so very _Odd-d'ye-see_;
If it be true, as I am instructed,
So _Ill-he-had_ his books conducted.
WALKING FOR LIFE.
_On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by
an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his
health._
Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath;
'Tis in vain these exertions you make:
And to "_walk for your life_" against sure-footed death,
Is the very "_worst step you can take_!"
A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW.
_On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used
as wine cellars_:
There's a spirit _above_ and a spirit _below_,
A spirit of _joy_ and a spirit of _woe_:
The spirit _above_ is a spirit _divine_;
The spirit _below_ is a spirit of _wine_.
THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.
Two musical parties to Bladud belong,
To delight the _old rooms_ and the _upper_:
One gives to the ladies a _supper_, no _song_;
The other a _song_ and no _supper_.
ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.
Though nature thee of thy _right_ hand bereft,
_Right_ well thou _writest_ with the hand that's _left_.
PRINTER'S KISS.
Print on my lips another kiss,
The picture of thy glowing passion--
Nay, this wont do--nor this--nor this--
But now--Ay, that's a _proof impression_.
TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER.
Though much you're scar'd by _Mars_ in _arms_,
At _fighting_ much _dejected_;
Yet _Venus_, with her _naked_ charms,
Has seen you--More-affected.
THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN.
_From the French._
Woman is
In infancy a tender flower,
Cultivate her;
A floating bark in girlhood's hour,
Softly freight her.
A fruitful vine when grown a lass,
Prune and please her;
Old, she's a heavy charge, alas!
Support and ease her.
THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER.
_On a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great
Card-player, having married her Gardener._
_Trumps_ ever rul'd the charming maid,
Sure all the world must pardon her;
The destinies turned up a _spade_;
She married John the _gardener_.
THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE.
_The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia._
The _Lamb_, the lawyer's _innocence_ declares;
The _Horse_, their _expedition_ in affairs;
Hail, happy men! such _emblems_ well describe
The _specious cunning_ of your _legal tribe_:
For say what _client_ can expect a _loss_
From _Lamb_-like lawyers, _fleeter_ than a _Horse_?
No more let _Chancery's ills_ be _endless_ counted,
Since on the _Pegasus_ of _Law_ ye're mounted.
And ye, _poor suitors_! mark your _simple fate_--
The _shorn lambs_ ye--that crowd the _Temple gate_.
ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON.
"Some _demon_, sure," says wond'ring Ned,
"In Newton's brain has fix'd his station!"
"True," Dick replies, "you've rightly said,
I know his name,--'tis _demon-stration_."
TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES.
Ladies! the _stags_ (as wise men say)
Change _horns_ but _once_ a-year:
Whereas _your_ stags change _ev'ry day_,
As plainly does appear.
ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.
Some men _brush_ on, and some _brush_ off,
And some _brush_ out of sight!
While _Grieves's[25] brush_ makes thousands _rush_
To see it every night.
[25] The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a
series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent
Garden Theatre.
ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES.
If on this pedestal we see
Our great _Achilles_ and Protector,
Why then the inference must be,
He whom he vanquished was a _Hector_.
EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V.
_On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking
vinegar to reduce her shape._
Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said,
That custom has raised an unnatural strife;
For if she gets _fat_--she loses her _bread_;
And if she gets _thin_--she loses her _life_.
_On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of
the appearance of Miss Dance._
Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first,
But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance,
And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just,
Where _Melpomene's_ self comes to welcome the _Dance_.
_On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by
Miss Tree._
Where's Ariel? that is, where is _Tree_?
Whose voice and form so truly suit in't;
Surely the public must agree,
The Manager has put his _Foot_ in't.
_On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next
throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge._
England's friendly to all, let folks say what they will,
From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover;
Her _Commons_ first passed the Catholic Bill,
And the very next day vote for the _Pass over_.
_On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery
Ship early in Passion Week._
Parry's _rage_ for discovery exceeds all, no doubt,
For both captain and crew in a _Fury_ set out;
But still some excuse will appear for this freak,
When we learn the affair took place in _Passion_ week.
_On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame._
That Shakspeare was _lame_, from his sonnets you'd gain,
But _halt_ ere such men with _weakness_ you're branding;
An abler _hand_ never guided a pen,
And his works plainly show he'd a strong _understanding_.
ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE;
_The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore
George IV. with a laurel wreath._
Pistrucci, in thine art divine,
Thou never wast more clever;
Long may the _laurel_ mark our Sovereign's line,
But may the _I.V._ never!
IMPROMPTU
_On Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of
Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street._
When war destruction on the soldier deals,
Some seek from death a refuge in their heels;
E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife,
We find indebted to his _Legge_ for life!
MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.
Jack from his box surveys the house around,
Views in the pit a friend with glass erect,
Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound
First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct.
"How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard),
"Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after?
Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd;
Charles is so droll, I've _cracked my sides with laughter_."
TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.
That U follows Q
Is not always true;
When your pigtail I view,
Then _queue_ follows _you_.
ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING
THE LATE RAINS.
When British flags triumphant scour'd the main,
Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain;
But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags.
Oh that the main would scour the British flags!
TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."
If wit and elegance combined,
With harmless satire glowing,
Can gain applause, or charm the mind,
It is to your _Pen-owing_.
ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.
When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose;
With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows;
His (Boxer) _Bochsa beats time_, who's forced to impart
Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's _Smart_.
A SNEER ANSWERED.
"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill,
"Give me a _bon mot_ if you will."
"A what? a _bon mot_! how absurd!
Whoever gave you a _good word_."
A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.
Here _lies_, who living never _lied_,
A friend sincere, of courage tried;
No slave to wealth, to vice unknown,
Though oft reduced to _pick_ a _bone_.
_Patch'd_ was his _coat_, both _red_ and _white_,
And _shaggy_ too his outward plight;
Yet grateful still his master serv'd,
And from allegiance never swerv'd.
A sportsman true, who at a word
Would _point_, and oft bring down his bird:
Or _fetch_, or _carry_, _hunt_, or _find_,
Whate'er was of the feather'd kind.
"By no disease--no blast he fell,
"But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well,
"Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time,
"As clock that can no longer chime:"
Here Carlo stopp'd--for want of breath,
Outrun at last by Nimrod death.
Bernard Blackmantle.
[Illustration]
THE
PUNSTER'S COURT;
OR,
THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN.
VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.
_For Illustration, see Vignette to Title._
Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages,
Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,
Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek,
That _Puns_ were esteem'd both by _Hebrew_ and _Greek_:
Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,
And their merriment owed to the mirth-making _Pun_.
There's Buxtorf, a learned _Chaldean_, hath told,
That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old,
Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,
To propagate _punning_ and make the folks witty:
And so well did the priests with the people succeed,
That their _Puns_ were collected, and thus 'twas decreed;
"In a temple devoted to _punning_ and wit,
"In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;
"'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"--
Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.
Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne,
When his _double-faced_ godship unrivalled shone;
For no matter how wittily Pan _punn'd_ away,
Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"
Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder,
Decided for Janus's double _entendre_.
Bernard Blackmantle.
PUNS
FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;
OR,
_JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR._
"Touch but his _gunpowder wit_ with a merry _fire_, and
you shall instantly hear a good _report_."
"A punster's wit, what is it like?"
"The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;"
"Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,
"Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."
PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.
Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a
third came in to _size_, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of
the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his
visitors, said
"If I bate you an _ace_,
_Deuce_ take me;
for it would be-_tray_ a weakness
in a man who could not _cater_ for himself.
Therefore _sink_ me
if you do _size_."
A NEGATIVE PUN.
"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large
_landed_ property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is
_groundless_."
A PUN.--THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.