es_ Petrus, _et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam_. The French,
in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a
proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of--_Tu es_
Pierre, _et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise_!!!
A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.
An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of
a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite
to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his
uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word
"man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars.
"Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest
_tambour-worker_ I ever met with."
A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.
A gentleman asked another if he would have a _skait_ on the
Serpentine;--"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my _soles_ and
_heels_: besides, I should lose my character."--"Lose your
character!"--"Aye, I should become a _back-slider_."--"Oh," answered his
friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on _fundamental_
principles."
AN HERALDIC PUN.
A gentleman employing a porter whose name was _Russel_, asked him
jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of
Bedford's?" "Our _arms_ (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty
much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our _coats_."
A CANONICAL PUN.
A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman,
crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to
whom he said--"So, Canon H---- is dead!"--"Indeed!" replied the other,
"I was not aware that _cannons_ went _off_ in that way."--"Yes, they
do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the _report_!"
AN APOTHECARY'S PUN.
"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish
woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband--"_Expect to
ate_, yer honour--no sure, and Paddy does _not_ expect to ate--he's
nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of _mixture_
from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.
A BITTER PUN.
An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me,
(said his friend), this is a _bitter cold day_."
A SMUGGLER'S PUN.
When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was
observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many _Alexanders_.
"Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like _Seizers_,"
(Cæsars.)
COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.
Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing _a spot of
grease_ on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that's _far-fetched_."--"No,
indeed," says the punster, "I made it _on the spot_."
A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN.
A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their
several professions; says the _Skullist_, "What we cannot get into their
noddles, we get _out_ of them."--"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God
help the heads _saddled_ with such a theory! for whilst one _galls_,
t'other _spurs 'em_."
A CITY PUN.
A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion
Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his
_day-book's_ closed, and he's _posted_, I suppose, to his _long
account_."--"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was
engaged in _book-keeping_ all his life!"
A PHYSICAL PUN.
A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated
physician--"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's
always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?"
"Who! why Sir _Ever-hard-Home_."
A COLLEGE PUN.
A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics,
for the best "_Carmen_" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in
the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better
_carmen_ in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been
"keeping it up" for the last fortnight.
A LADY'S PUN.
A very agreeable lady of the name of _Riggs_, being one season at
Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one
gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not
more of the _male_ creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being
well _manned_, I am sure we are well _rigged_."
A COBBLER'S PUN.
A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical
boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where
the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country)
it's been _healed_ lately."
A JUDICIAL PUN.
One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his
kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no _hog_ can become _bacon_
till he is _hanged_, and then I'll allow your claim."
A BACCHANALIAN PUN.
A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his
house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I
have been _spinning_ out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."--"And
now (replied the other), you are _reeling_ it home."
A GERMAN PUN.
A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called
Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "_Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat
respublica_."
A WHISTLING PUN.
A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father,
who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine
of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father
and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could
scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad,
however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling,
"_Through the wood, laddie_."
A MANAGER'S PUN.
A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the
author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager)
I fear it is owing to the _piece_."
THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.
A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was
brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine
in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French
measures_ here."
A CLERICAL PUN.
A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "_He was
clothed with curses as with a garment_."--"My good friend (said the
minister), it means that he had _got a habit of swearing_."
A SELFISH PUN.
A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to
his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger,
as being ungenerous and _selfish_. "And why (said he), would you not
have me _sell-fish_?"
A GAMBLING PUN.
At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself
_vis-à-vis_ at a table _d'écarté_, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had
turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to
whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he
had to _deal_ with!"
A STAYMAKER'S PUN.
A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his
miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have
_stayed the stomachs_ of thousands!"
CLERICAL PUNS.
At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister,
as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam
and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text,
"_Adam_, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the
congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon
these words, "_Lo!_ here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him
the appointment.
HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE.
Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over
his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red
with vexation as a _Turkey Cock_." The other, thinking to wound his
feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to
say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed,
I have not," said Tooke, "he was a _Turkey Merchant_, (i. e. a
_Poulterer_.)"
A JOE MUNDEN.
It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs.
Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for _Byam-House_, Munden
exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to _buy-a-mouse_!
What the devil will the woman do next?"
PARISIAN PUNS.
1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of
France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing
to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into
the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in
order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of
Paris made this pun--"_Il donnoit Sedan_ (ses dents) _pour sauver sa
tête_."
2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and
particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed
foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal,
vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to
display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped
out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal,
exclaimed, "_O le vilain Pie-de-stal!_"
3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to
the Ottoman _Porte_, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to
the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused
to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of
Paris to observe, that he was still "_ambassadeur à la Porte_."
COMMERCIAL PUNS.
FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "_English Spy_."
"I don't see the _bee's wing_ in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are
_bouncing_ about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No,
sir," said the humourist, "it is not to _be_ seen until you are a _deal_
higher in _spirits_; the _film_ of the _wing_ is seldom discernible in
such _mahogany_-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like _rose-wood_
at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as _red_ as
_logwood_, or as _black_ as _ebony_, if you will but do justice to the
bottle," was the reply. "There is no being _cross-grained_ with you,"
said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you _cut_ me," retorted
Blackstrap, "and you are not _sap_ enough for that." "Gentlemen,"
continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit,
I shall think we have not met with our _dessert_; and although there be
some among us whose _principals_ are worth a _plum_, there are very few
of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my
_reasons_."
A COCKNEY'S PUN.
A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of
_h_air; "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's
shop_."
AN IRISH PUN.
_The two Taymen._
About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and
Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each
other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their
credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph."
An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much
more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than
_patriots_; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour
the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she,
"By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are
the _Two Taymen_."
A SPORTING PUN.
_Managing the Pack._
A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of
the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his
attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of _dealer_ at a gambling
table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude,
observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he
still _managed the pack_."
"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS.
"In the city, while _Currie_ was _Raiking_ together his cash, Sir _John
Lubbock Fostered_ his _Clarkes_; Sir _William Kay_ knew his _Price_;
_Rogers_ felt _Toogood_ to smash; one house in Fleet-street _Praed_ to
get through it; and while another chuckled like a _Child_, the
_Goslings_ were looking _Sharp_ after their concerns--poor _Hodsoll_,"
added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his _Stirling capital_; but
_Stevenson_ knew _his_ partner was worth his _Salt_; _Dorien_, _Magens_,
and _Dorien_, got _Mello_ with rejoicing, and _Jansen_ was never near
being 'done _Brown_;' _Paxton_ and _Cockerell_, according to culinary
custom, sent their _Trail_ to take care of the _long-bills_; and though
_Fry_ might have been in a _Stew_ for a time, he (like the _Smiths_ of
Mansion House-street) soon had his _Payne_ removed.
"At the west end of the town, though _Scott Claude_ up his money at the
moment, he soon began to pay again; _Kinnaird_ said he could _Ransom_
his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall
declared they had _More-land_ than would settle the claims of all their
creditors; and although _Marten_ expected a _Call_ on _Arnold_, they
were equally steady with the house of _Cocks_ (part-_Ridges_) at
Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every
body knows, said the wag, that _Green-wood_ never breaks, and as for
_Thomas's_ in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there,
all was _Wright_."
A HARROW PUN.
Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon
condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of
_healing the breech_.
A SOLDIER'S PUN.
The peculiar new mode of _drilling_ the soldiers in St. James's Park,
ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed _quadrilling_.
A PROFESSIONAL PUN.
Speaking of professions, there must be somebody _in every way_. "Ay,"
replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks
in _one another's way_."
A MUSICAL PUN.
To make a competent double bass player, it requires a _head-piece_,
while a _wind_ instrument performer wants only a _mouth-piece_ (_i. e._
a reed).
A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.
A needy adventurer coming to London, who was _very thin_, observed to S.
Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a _little bread_ among the
musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can _pick up a
little flesh_ at the same time, it will not be amiss."
A PUN UPON MY HONOR!
A person who was addicted to "pledge his _honor_" upon all occasions,
observed, on looking through the window, "It _rains, upon my honor_."
"Yes," said Taylor, "_and it will rain upon_ MY honor if I go out."
CLASSICAL PUN.
"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land
bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence,
resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is _An-acre-on-tick_."
A WARM PUN.
"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are _well warmed_ with
_wine_." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good
sir, that I am to be _well-roasted_."
THE EXCISE-OFFICE _v._ THE STAMP-OFFICE.
Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to
the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout
of time. Shaw, the leader, began to _stamp_ violently, and said, "Why
don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon
which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the _Excise
Office_: you seem to be a member of the _Stamp_ Office yourself."
HARPING UPON A FIGURE.
A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night
at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of
his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the _cutting_ of it.
Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would
endeavour to _cut a figure_ myself."
A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P.
"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a
man must have the ribs of a _rhinoceros_; to obtain a _good place_ in
the body of the house, the qualities of a _camelion_; to secure a seat
on the _treasury_ bench, he must not fear to _tread-a-wry_. _Opposition_
he must write thus--'_oppo_'-site--_position_; _ministerial,
men-who-steer-well_. _Private bills_ he may quote as examples of
_private punishment_; the _speaker's_ dinners, a _speechless_ banquet,
where every guest leaves _politics_ for _polite-tricks_. To speak _well_
and _long_, you must display _artificial_ feelings, have _leathern_
lungs, a face of _brass_, an _elephant's_ sagacity, and a _lion's_
courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may _perchance_ be
considered _bear_able; without them you are certain to come in for a
_scrape_[26]."
[26] Alluding to the practice of the members _scraping_ their feet upon
the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.
A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS.
If you mean to be a _domestic_ animal, never marry a woman of a _wild_
disposition. An _ugly helpmate_, though she may have the wealth of
_Plutus_, and the _virtues_ of an _angel_, can never be considered as a
_lovely wife_. If you would live happily, always _whistle_ when your
wife _whines_ or _scolds_. If she should grow _furious_, take yourself
into the _cool air_, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes
himself to a _storm_ is sure to get _pelted_. Never offend the ears of a
modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: the _fairest mirror_
is stained by a _passing breath_. Never marry a woman for _money_, lest,
obtaining the _honey_, you are stung by the _queen bee_. Never lose an
opportunity for making a _good pun_, when you can do it consistent with
_good nature_, and without endangering the esteem of _good friends_. A
_pun_, to pass _current_, should bear the _stamp_ of _wit_, and be
_struck_ off in the _mint_ of _originality_. A _genuine bad pun_ is not
always a _bad joke_. _Late_ hours make _lazy_ servants, a _loquacious_
wife, and end in making a _long_ purse _light_, a _long_ illness
_heavy_, and _long life_ very uncertain.
Bernard Blackmantle.
TARTANI'S DREAM--A TAIL PIECE.
Blackmantle's labours here, are done,
Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel;
Approve each epigram and pun,
And Bernard proves a merry devil.
[Illustration]
A
PUNNING ESSAY
ON THE
ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,
BY
THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK[27];'
_Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered
at St. Patrick's Abbey._
A FRAGMENT.
[27] This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered,
was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's 'Stranger in Ireland;' and a
more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found in
the English language. The book is now _out of print_, and only to be met
with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to suppose that
the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his work, much as I
should have had to regret the loss of these articles here, I certainly
would not have taken them to do injury to their own witty and original
parent.
We observe in Homer's _Batrachomyomachia_, that the instant the frog
Calaminthius sees the mouse _Pternoglyphus_, he is so frightened that he
abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our
etymology of the mouse's name, _Turn ugly face_.
In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called _Lichenor_,
which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always
be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying _one
addicted to licking_, but here we see the imbecility of foreign
resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is
certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more
germain to the matter is ours--_Lick and gnaw_? It is true, that I may
have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting
them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to
our military mouse, that he was _one addicted to licking or conquering_,
yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our
exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that _Lichenor_ was not so
much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog
Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202.
At v. 244, we have the mouse _Sitophagus_, who like many a soldier of
modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry
ditch--ηλατο δ'ες ταφον. I had always some suspicion that this
name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing
circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with
a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title
beyond all doubt:--_Set off again_--his invariable custom on these
occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the _art
militaire_ in Hudibras, where he learnt that
----_Timely running's no mean part
Of conduct in the martial art._
_Sitophagus_, from _Set off again_, is perfectly within the canon of
_parcè detorta_, which it may not be amiss here to repeat:
"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the
English[28] spring, with a sparing distortion."
[28] Anglo _fonte cadent, parcè detorta_.
So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage,
correcting the corruption (_Græco_ fonte) which has so long obtained, to
the injury of truth and good letters.
I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the
names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it
necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they
are _all derived from one source_. Such, however, as occur to me
elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall
notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring
the light of truth.
_Pallas._ This word should be written thus _'Pallas_, with an
apostrophe, as in the instance of _'fore_ for _afore_. Its origin then
clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's
head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone,
which was indeed enough to _Appal us_.
In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled _Stafford's
Niobe_, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of
wisdom acquired the name of _Pallas_ from the _Paleness_ she occasions
in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie
is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will,
from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in
this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on
this nice point.
_Venus_, from _wean us_, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many.
As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly
one with us, namely, to _wean us_ from all other earthly things, and
hence the undoubted derivation.
Ἡγεμων, or _Egemon_, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is
very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly
significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers,
viz. to _egg 'em on_. It will be observed, that I have sunk the
aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such
instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "_Hi ham_" for I am.
_Macrones_, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose,
though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to
Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is
clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of _Macaronies_.
_Celsus._ This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians,
which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said,
he _sells us_, and from that moment he bore his present name.
_L. Mummius_, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of _mummius_, or
_mummy us_, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most
unmercifully.