see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing,
they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention
was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than
Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "A _deed_
without a _name_! why, 'tis _void_."
RALPH WEWITZER.
The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay,
(says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be
well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a _great deal_
to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a
_timber-yard_."
JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.
A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly
lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he
observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a
_Shooter_."
LORD NELSON'S ARMS.
The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord
Nelson to permit him to put up his _arms_, and change the _name_ of the
inn to _The Nelson Hotel_; his lordship returned for answer, that he was
perfectly welcome to his _name_, but he must be sensible that he had no
_arms_ to spare.
SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.
A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers,
Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping
him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were
_hung_ (said his lordship), I would try it." "If _you_ were to _try_ it
(replied Curran), it would be sure to be _hung_."
CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE.
On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "_Coventry_" for
refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the
joke a little _too far_."
CAPITAL JOKES.
While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily
peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what
he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you
have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the
better."
ON DISCIPLINE.
MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At
the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when
the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the
lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear
friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to
enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my
little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you
never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said
MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered
to march you would _halt_."
LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL.
A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found
himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his
lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have
sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim:
'Equam _memento rebus in arduis
Servare_.'"
MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.
Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their
mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage,
observed, "_Honores mutant Mores_." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the
pun will be much better in English, _Honors change Manners_."
LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.
Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of
wit. "True (said the other), it is the _foundation_."
THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE.
_Pun beneficial._
Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His
clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he
said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as
they were in the time of poor _Mary_, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was
indeed _Mare Pacificum_." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of
the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my
lord, but she was first _Mare Mortuum_."
DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS.
_A pun spoiled._
At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey
with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why
to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to _Turn'em green_."
Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds,
observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a
pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when
you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present."
Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a
plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to
Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way to _make them
green_!"
DR. BROWN'S TOAST.
Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom
he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the
latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your
favourite _toast_." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for
myself, I have already _toasted_ her too long without being able to make
her _Brown_."
R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P.
"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own
bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as
formerly, you will shortly see them applying _opodeldoc_ to their
wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "_Steer's_ of _Cow_-lane."
R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.
The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury
Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared
Mr. Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage _screw_
lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he
has left his card and _name_ behind him."
ARNOLD AND PEAKE.
A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera,
was an _ill-tempered_ man, but a _fortunate_ one, Charles Westmacott
replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his
_cash_ and _success_ to _pique_." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)
PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN"
Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at
the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not
_run_ according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you
expect a _stout man to run in such very hot weather_?"
CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.
The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where
there was an _electric eel_, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a
pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A _shock-ing one_."
THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.
Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames,
with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is
certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your _skull_ you
could always keep your _head above water_."
BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN.
_Simplicity_ v. _Wit_.
A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson
peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of
wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr.
_Wise-acre_!"
DENNIS THE PUNSTER.
_Tria juncta in uno._
Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his
puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen,
whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in
the following manner: "If _Good_ be the better half of thy name, it is
so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction
with thy friend _John_, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of
verses that they ought to be engraven on _stone_. I would have given
steel the preference, if a certain person did not _Mar_ your works, so
_shall_ say no more of the matter."
W. R. V.-ANA.
THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER.
"A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those
connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the
pleasant, _punning_, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose
whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his
unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.]
Some one observed, "_Matches_ are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he,
"and they are very often _dipped_ in the other place."
Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that
beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said
Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their
differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each
was _a-verse_ to ingratitude."
A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was
shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the
punster--"_You-go-lean-O!_" was the reply.
"A tailor is the _ninth part_ of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the
presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's _no
part_ at all."
"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak
from _experience_," was the _stopper_ to this _vinegar cruet_.
Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn
at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the _bell_,
the _Bell_ would now _answer_ him.
One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the
Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the Science
of Single Stick, with _wood cuts_."
A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at
Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his
_chop_ at _Hatchett's_."
A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his
hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the _desert hair_."
A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he
said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's _lock-jawed_?"
"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that _tie_'s something
new."--"Yes; it's a _novel-tie_."
He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not
like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our _falling out_."
Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press
to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a _weight is off my
mind_."
"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one
day. "Don't you like it?--I do: indeed I'm quite _wrapped up in it_."
The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a
new waistcoat, asked if it was a _city cut_. "No," answered he, "it's a
_west-cut_."
Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in
bringing it, inadvertently let it fall--"Zounds! I did not ask you for a
_tumbler_!"
Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every
thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the
old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing _new_ or _good_ now-a-days:
Waterloo bridge is a _catchpenny_, Herschell's telescope _all my eye_,
the steam engine _a bottle of smoke_, and the safety-coach _a complete
take in_."
Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning was _pabulum
animi_, food of the mind. "Yes," replied he, "and that's the reason, I
suppose, the collegians wear _trencher_ caps."
On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so
boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him:
a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near,
presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted,
and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following
impromptu:
"Whether in peace or war,
If hostile dangers frown,
It is the soldier's care
To guard his Monarch's _crown_."
He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain
nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a _title_," was
the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been
_peer-less_."
On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived
him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that
they should refuse him "_even a major-ity_."
Being proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, he asked when they
met:--"Every Saturday evening during the winter."--"Then," said he, "I
shall never make a Phœnix, for "_I can't rise from the fire_."
[Illustration]
NORBURYANA[21];
CONTAINING
A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S
_BEST PUNS_,
Pure as Imported.
THE PUNNING LAWYERS.
The counsel archly crack their joke
On every word the witness spoke;
The Jury, laughing, like the fun,
And Norbury sums up with a _Pun_.
[21] Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.
A good _Pun_ has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our
courts of law, as a good _plea_; and not unusually has proved successful
with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more
weighty arguments of _precedents_ and _rejoinder_, would only have
produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's
talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as
clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers
arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is
after the last _good thing_ of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to
encounter a _new pun_, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman,
without _game_ for the morrow; for _pun-less_, he is quite as miserable
as if he was _penny-less_; and if he cannot _crack_ a new joke at the
club, he is like to go _cracked_ himself with vexation in consequence.
It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose
performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety,
which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual
under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public
life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the
_Four Courts_ of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the _broad_
and _narrow Courts_ of London, at the Fives _Court_ or the Tennis
_Court_, the King's _Court_, or the _Courts_ of law and equity, are all
heaped upon the _great original_, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence,
as many _sins_ of this sort to bear with, as any _criminal_ that ever
appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited
stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the
_Noble Punster_, only, the _legitimate offspring_ of his _own_ creation;
or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his
witty family.
LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO
Is, "_Right can never die_;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon,
"_right_ must be _left_ for ever."
AN AMOROUS PUN.
"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company
with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the
barrister. "_Glass!_" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which
man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press
such a _glass to my lips_!"
THE JOKER'S RETORT.
The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial
Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental
criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an _Irish
stick_ to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's
career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish.
PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.
The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of _Bully Egan_,
from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the
administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the
Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration
of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when the opposition
succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of
Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of
drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not
content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of
the noble Marquis, by way of _post obit_, and to heap all those
maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so
indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the
course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an
episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically
dead, to _pencil_ his epitaph;" and this he did in such coarse and
ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply,
termed this effort of Egan, _penciling with a pickaxe_.
TIME AND ETERNITY.
On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of
privately stealing a _time piece_, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the
enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing,
that he had been _grasping_ at _time_, and caught _eternity_.
THE CANAL AND LOCKS.
Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property
in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken
great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through
parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs
G----, how d'ye do?--how goes on your _water ways_?--I must come and
take a view of your little _canal_ and _locks_."
DROPPING THE SUBJECT.
A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as
usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass
against him--"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried
far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if
you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The _subject_ may
_drop_," replied his lordship.
JAM SATIS.
A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam,
inquired if he would have some more fruit? "_Jam satis_," replied the
punster.
THE CRITICS CURTAILED.
"Lord Byron calls his abusers _dogs_," said a friend to Lord Norbury;
"No doubt he wishes them and their censures _cur-tailed_," was the
reply.
SHAKE-SPEARE.
Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared
to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is
young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the
bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be _Shake-speare_, then,"
retorted his Lordship.
KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.
Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through
prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast,
so offensive to the King James's party. James, the next Lord Mayor, was
not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who
was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend to
_King_,--_James_."
CURLED HAIR.
Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in
Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with
her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your
Lordship," said the good woman, with great _naiveté_, "there's _no
curled hair_ to be had now in Dublin, neither for _love nor money_." "By
the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, "but it was
very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a _curly boy_."
TRIAL OF A HORSE.
Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the
jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up
their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse,
that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship
complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and
begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious
to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few
minutes to _try it_. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way:
"Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure to
_try the horse yourselves_."
A DRY WIPE.
Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen
a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on?
replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told
who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady
intended me such a _wipe_."
HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE.
Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of
blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the _temporal
artery_; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to
him, "Carrol, I believe you were _never called to the bar_?" "No, my
Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.--"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I
can safely say _you have cut a figure in the Temple_."
THE GAME JOKE.
On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose
maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out our
_fleecy hosiery_."--"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring
symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the
season, the _Woodcocks forsake the Moors_."
MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED.
Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth
riding on horseback in the Phœnix Park, took occasion to admire the
beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship
artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."--"Then I
understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majesty _mounts you both_."
A SPORTING PUN.
A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat
in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
breakfast.--"Thirty-three _hares_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds,
Sir! then you must have been firing at a _wig_."
THE FEMALE LINGUIST.
A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well
known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he
observed, "He could answer for her disposition to _conjugate_, but
feared she would have no opportunity of _declining_."
HOPE AND JOY.
At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being
employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the
absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a
few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would
return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar,
saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of
the day--although
'_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
That _Joy_ would soon return.'"
A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD.
A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing
to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that
he did not come there to be _queered_ by the old one. Lord Norbury heard
him, and instantly replied in his own _cant_, "I'm _old_, 'tis true, and
I'm _rum_ sometimes--and for once I'll be _queer_, and send you to
_quod_."
A LATE DINNER.
Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner
hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going
to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house,
said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear,
my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will be _so long first_, that you
may forget it."
CUT AND COME AGAIN.
In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr.
Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special
jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very
fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were
remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c.
Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the
heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite
party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife
outstretched _to cut from us_ the very pound of flesh!" Lord Norbury
very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson,
the opposite bar perhaps conceive you _can spare it better_."
A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED.