He never had an _ail_, unless when all his _ale_ was done:
The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun was on,
No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon.
Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get;
But he declared no _soda-hack_ should ever share his _whet_.
His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was his cheer,
And quaffing of good _porter_ long kept him from his _bier_.
As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were so good,
And many a noble draught has he taken from the _wood_,--
Rare _spirited_ productions, with tasty views near _Cork_;
And then he had a _score_ or two _rum_ characters in _chalk_.
Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was nail'd,
And though he had lost one eyesight, his _hop-ticks_ never fail'd.
Good ale and cider _sold here_, oft made the _soldier_ halt,
And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard his malt;
Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair,
Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare;
While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay,
And swear it was both sweet and nice as any _shrub_ in May.
At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk with drink;
His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to shrink;
Tho' mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the sugar-candy,
And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the brandy.
His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast,
And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels breathed their last;
And when he treated _all hands_ his _Hollands_ ran away,
Nor reap'd he fruit from _any seed_ for _aniseed_ to pay.
And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still increas'd,
He puff'd the more _parfait au cœur_ till all his efforts ceas'd.
The storm, alas! was brewing, the brewer drew his till,
And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her bill.
Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind;
He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could find;
But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd him on the head,
So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye see, he's dead.
_Literary Gazette._
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
BENJAMIN BASHFUL
ON
THE VICE OF PUNNING.
THE PUNSTER'S FOE.
Who's he, that from our board is running?
He, Sir's an enemy to punning,
A bashful foe, who loves not wit--
Ergo, because he's none of it
Within his cranium; and at table
Sits like the fox in Æsop's fable,
Watching the grapes he'd fain devour,
And disappointed, calls them sour.
A laugh would decompose his metal,
And like a dog, with a tin kettle
Dangling at his tail, he runs
From witty wags who deal in puns.
TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.
Sir,
It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and
publish a Punster's Pocket-Book, for the express purpose of promoting
that _pernicious vice_, which is already much too prevalent. As an
antidote to the evil, I hope you will _not fail_ to insert this my
special protest.
B. BASHFUL.
I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the
mode, have just _come out_, and made my _entré_ into the world with the
reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to
notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of
taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back
the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to
destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in
the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced.
It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable _dilettanti_, each of
them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of
conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and
learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time,
patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and
conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid
creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation presents a
motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a
chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the "Feast of
Reason," the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to
this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with
impatience and inattention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word
susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark
of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is
undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The
genius of orthography frowns in vain: puns are, by the law of custom,
entitled to claim entrance into the sensorium either by the eye or the
ear: but when a pseudo pun ("for indeed there are counterfeits abroad")
is perceptible to neither sense--when read, its wit is not discoverable;
and when heard, it cannot be understood: to avoid the horror of an
explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in
ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the
practice I would fain abolish. The evil is subversive of the first
principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom,
and to be fed with the husks of folly? Is it little to thirst for the
Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is
it little to seek for the interchange of souls, and find only the
reciprocity of nonsense?
P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
To which complaint, I add this note
And sketch, by way of antidote,
The glorious art can life enhance,
A Pun will cause a Bear to dance,
And as we here have proof,--provoke
A bashful man to stand a joke.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING,
BY
ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT
PERSONS.
THE PUNSTER'S BOWL.
The sovereign medicine of life,
The antidote to care and strife--
Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl,
When humour meets a kindred soul:
Then flows the epigram, and pun,
From starry eve, to morning's sun;
And Laughter, "holding both his sides,"
The rubs and jeers of life derides.
Then honest hearts, elate with glee,
Forget the world, and black _ennui_;
For nought like punch, and puns, can drown,
The supercilious rich man's frown,
Or free the heart, a prey to care,
From fortune's ills and fell despair.
Bernard Blackmantle.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
"The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men."
_Addison, Spectator, No. 61._
ROYAL PUNS.
RIGHT DIVINE.
Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the
select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while
at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one
occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some
intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented,
and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly
observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I
shall pursue my object, for you hear I have '_Wright Divine_' on my
side."
COOKE AND KITCHEN.
Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue
with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It was
very natural that a Cooke should be fond of _Kitchen stuff_, but if he
meddles with the _Coles_ he will get out of the frying-pan into the
fire." The _Coles_ were cousins to the lady.
A DOWN HILL PUN.
Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to
the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr.
Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble--"If I
mistake not," replied the king, "he is going _down hill_ very rapidly."
"Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of
Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended in _smoke_." "I don't wonder at
that," replied the monarch; "The _Fire_ of _Croker_ was sure to _smoke_
like Irish _turf_ beneath the weight of Scotch _Hume-i-dity_."
Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the king of France did not feel
offended at the _squibs_ let off against him in the English newspapers.
"Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a
_squib_ in London, when at Paris he is sitting on a _barrel of
gunpowder_."
LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT.
In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the
proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're
a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause,
after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by
granting an injunction against _Cease your Funning_."
LORD STOWELL,
On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court,
inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to _move_;
and being answered in the _negative_, the judge very good humouredly
replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to _move
ourselves_."
GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST.
_Kicking the Bucket._
As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall,
the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which
some careless servant had left at the door), and turned it over; "Why,
your lordship has _kicked the bucket_," said the facetious orator; "No,
not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, "I've only _turned
a little pale_ (i. e. _pail_)."
LORD ERSKINE.
Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient
languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his
breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed _Tu doces_, literally
_Thou--Tea--Chest_.
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION.
"Your Grace speaks without _reason_, and too much in a _passion_," said
a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a _proposal_, and was _pressing_
it somewhat _close_. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain,
"_reason_ has nothing to do with _love_; and _passion_ is very desirable
when we are on the point of _entering_ into _immediate action_."
TURN IN AND TURN OUT.
A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the
Duke early on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving
him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace "had
not room to _turn_ himself." The Duke immediately replied, "When you
have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks of
_turning in_ his bed, it is time he should _turn out_ of it."
THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE
Being told that a great public defaulter had married his
_kept-mistress_, observed, "That fellow is always _robbing the public_."
ROGERS ON TASTE.
When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly,
Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present--much to the annoyance of
certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation of _hers_, upon
the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers
archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste
in the _ornaments_ and _society_--every thing in the rooms was so
_chaste_ and _delicate_."
LADY HAMILTON.
The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham
Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she
cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must not _sham Abraham_."
JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT.
A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the
_gout_, observed, that the disease _prolonged life_, and added, "Any
body might take a _lease_ of _yours_." "Then it must be," quoth Jack
writhing with pain, "at a _rack rent_."
HOSPITALITY.
Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his
return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been
at _Cork_? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great many
_drawings_ of it."
LUTTRELL AND ROGERS.
Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other
day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the
proprietor of the _Anatomie Vivante_ should take his motto from my
favourite epistle in Horace--
'Annonæ prosit--
_Vir_ BONUS.'"
"Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of
living skeletons in our hospitals--so I think a better motto may be
found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often--
'_Vir_ BONUS est QUIZ.'"
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX.
C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were
together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door,
they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which
was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and
calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you _Fox-hunting_, or
_Hare-hunting_?"
LORD ROSS.
The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for
Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet
with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton,
with six fine _dun_-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his
Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left my _duns_
behind me; you are driving your _duns_ before you."
DR. JOHNSON.
Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey,
observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it
meant, was informed that one _Vowel_ was going to be hanged for forgery.
"Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither
_U_ nor _I_."
AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY.
_Dr. Johnson._
A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author,
and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent
terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being
introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an
invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently
accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "_fama
super æthera notum_," he sat for some time in expectation of being
accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were
vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor
with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson," said he,
"is----; you have probably heard of me as being of some celebrity in the
literary world." "Yes, I have indeed," was the sarcastic reply he
received, "of _very unfortunate celebrity_."
DR. PARR ON WANTS.
The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion
to the _small number of his wants_; and he added, that, all his life, he
had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr.
Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of
happiness is, to _cut down your wants_." "_Suspend_ your _puns_, Mr.
_Ketch_," said the Doctor, "and _I will drop_ you the hint: _My_ secret
is, _not to let them grow up_."
GEORGE COLMAN.
George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook,
replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (_eye_) are old associates."
JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER.
"We shall _jump_ into _summer_ all at once," said a friend to James
Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the
punster, "if it is _leap year_, you must take a good _spring_ first."
SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART--THE SCORE OF MERIT.
Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted,
said, "It must have been on the _merit_ of his _score_[19], and not on
the _score_ of his _merit_."
[19] _The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord
Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich._
MR. WILLIAM SPENCER.
_Classical Pun._
As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day,
somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet
in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea
visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed,
"Quodcunque Ostendis _mihi_ sic incredulus odi."
REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST.
The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog,
should mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never
observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under
her directions, was asked by the lady--"Pray, Sir, is it--_As You Like
It_?"--"No, Madam," replied the dramatist, "it is--_Measure for
Measure_."
HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS.
_The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian._
The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury
Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only
come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's
playing, when the young actor retorted--"Sir, I thought you were only to
be a _Spectator_; instead of that you are turning _Tatler_." "Never mind
him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will,
I'll be the _Guardian_."
ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN.
The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with
an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former
occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him. Cherry sent him word,
that he had been bit by him once, and he was resolved, that he should
not make _two bites of A. Cherry_.
MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE.
Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was
engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "If _Raine was
ever known to do any good to Hay?_"
RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER.
_A Fault in Candles._
Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be
better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them
complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph,
"they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they
would not burn any _longer_."
C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL."
Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House,
where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial.
Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the
kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion--"These
dishes, Burke," said he, "are admirably calculated for your palate--they
are both _sublime_ and _beautiful_."
HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS."
Horne Tooke, author of the _Epea Pteroenta_, was remarkable for the
readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an
invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!"
said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of
Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he
met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr,
is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a
mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good
friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that
never understood me; when I spoke of the _scraps_ I meant the
_tit-bits_."
CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE.
During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps
were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was
observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment
was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but
when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their
numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after being _mustered_, they
are afraid of being _peppered_, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for
the _roast_."
COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE.
A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him
repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length
answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take
up your residence in that place?"--"In order to avoid the impertinence
of _dunning_," answered the witness.
LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET.
_Bleeding in Chancery._
On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work
the Lancet, the Lord Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and "hoped there
would be no more _bleeding_," to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as
there was _only one operator_ retained by each side. Ay, but, said his
lordship, they may stick to their _patient_ like a Leach.
R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR
ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.
One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern,
and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold,
bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and
another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr.
Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:--
The Prince came in, said it was cold,
Then put to his head the rummer;
Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came,
When he pronounced it _summer_.
CHARLES BANNISTER.
Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his
offence, was told he had stolen a _bridle_. "Then (said Charles) he
wanted _to touch the bit_."
WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING.
That very sober _pious_ personage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend
Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you have _drunk_ a _little_ too
_much_." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have
_drunk much_ too _little_."
THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD.
The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat,
asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr.
Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not_."
JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED.
The judge told an old man with a _long beard_, who was being examined as
a witness, that he "supposed he had a _conscience as long as his
beard_." If, replied the old man, we were all to be _judged_ of by _that
rule_, your lordship would be deemed a most _unconscionable judge_[20].
[20] Jefferies had no beard.
LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY.
"_Sic sine Morte Mori_," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord
Chesterfield and Lord Tyrawley were both present, at a very advanced
age, when Lord Chesterfield said, "Tyrawley and I have been _dead_ these
two years; but we don't choose to have it known."
SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH.
A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one
of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On
this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never play _so
high again_."
FELIX M'CARTHY.
Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from
some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he
did thus: "I have been abused here by some of the _rascals_ of this inn,
and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the
_Principal_."
TIERNEY _v._ FOX.
Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or
on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I
could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in
administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could not _lie_ on
his pillow with ease, he can _lie_ in this house with ease."
LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS.
Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no
person (said he) to _kill game_ on my manor but myself; and I'll _shoot
you_, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you mean
_to make game of me_?"
CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW.
The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the
violin, the following bits took place:
_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this
fiddling.
_S._ Sir, I endeavour to _keep time_.
_W._ You mean rather _to kill time_.
_S._ No, I only _beat time_.
JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME.
When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by _Richard Cœur de
Lion_, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr.
Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are _murdering time_." Kemble, calmly
and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for
me to murder Time at once than be continually _beating_ him as you do."
SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.
Sheridan complained that Congreve's "_Love for Love_," had been so much
altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness,
that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages,
with very little of "_Love for Love_" in it. "His plays," said the wit,
"are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them:
they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose
their vigour."
THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.
An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the
King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning
Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been
promoted to the _bench_."
SIR J. PARNELL
Became a general _toast_ in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost
his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting
his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in _toast_."
HORACE TWISS, M.P.
_A special Pun._