performance, the star being always eager to hurry up the show in order
to get a longer period for rest before the night performance.
Sec.262
That John D. Rockefeller would give his whole fortune for a digestion
good enough to digest a cruller.
Sec.263
That a clergyman leads an easy and lazy life, and spends most of his
time visiting women parishioners while their husbands are at work.
Sec.264
That it is almost sure death to eat cucumbers and drink milk at the same
meal.
Sec.265
That all bank cashiers, soon or late, tap the till.
Sec.266
That the members of fashionable church choirs, during the sermon,
engage in kissing and hugging behind the pipe-organ.
Sec.267
That women who are in society never pay any attention to their children,
and wish that they would die.
Sec.268
That if one gets one's feet wet, one is sure to catch cold.
Sec.269
That all French women are very passionate, and will sacrifice everything
to love.
Sec.270
That when a drunken man falls he never hurts himself.
Sec.271
That all Chinese laundrymen sprinkle their laundry by taking a mouthful
of water and squirting it out at their wash in a fine spray; and that,
whatever the cost of living to a white man, the Chinese laundryman
always lives on eight cents a day.
Sec.272
That if one fixes a savage beast with one's eye, the beast will remain
rooted to the spot and presently slink away.
Sec.273
That if one eats cucumbers and then goes in swimming, one will be seized
with a cramp.
Sec.274
That hiccoughs may be stopped by counting slowly up to one hundred.
Sec.275
That newspaper reporters hear, every day, a great many thumping scandals
that they fail to print, and that they refrain through considerations of
honour.
Sec.276
That the young East Side fellow who plays violin solos at the
moving-picture theatre around the corner is so talented that, if he had
the money to go to Europe to study, he would be a rival to Kreisler
within three years.
Sec.277
That Paderewski, during the piano-playing days, wore a wig, and was
actually as bald as a coot.
Sec.278
That lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
Sec.279
That when a doctor finds there is nothing the matter with a man who has
come to consult him, he never frankly tells the man there's nothing
wrong with him, but always gives him bread pills.
Sec.280
That, in a family crisis, the son always sticks to the mother and the
daughter to the father.
Sec.281
That beer is very fattening.
Sec.282
That no man of first-rate mental attainments ever goes in for dancing.
Sec.283
That a woman can't sharpen a lead pencil.
Sec.284
That on every trans-Atlantic steamer there are two smooth gamblers who,
the moment the ship docks, sneak over the side with the large sum of
money they have won from the passengers.
Sec.285
That if one gets out of bed on the left side in the morning, one has a
mean disposition for the rest of the day.
Sec.286
That a woman who has led a loose life is so grateful for the respect
shown her by the man who asks her to marry him that she makes the best
kind of wife.
Sec.287
That fish is a brain food.
Sec.288
That street-corner beggars have a great deal of money hidden away at
home under the kitchen floor.
Sec.289
That it is advisable for a young woman who takes gas when having a tooth
pulled to be accompanied by some one, by way of precaution against the
dentist.
Sec.290
That all girls educated in convents turn out in later life to be
hell-raisers.
Sec.291
That a young girl may always safely be trusted with the kind of man who
speaks of his mother.
Sec.292
That a nine-year-old boy who likes to play with toy steam engines is
probably a born mechanical genius and should be educated to be an
engineer.
Sec.293
That all celebrated professional humourists are in private life heavy
and witless fellows.
Sec.294
That when one stands close to the edge of a dizzy altitude, one is
seized peculiarly with an impulse to jump off.
Sec.295
That if one eats an apple every night before retiring, one will never be
ill.
Sec.296
That all negroes born south of the Potomac can play the banjo and are
excellent dancers.
Sec.297
That whenever a negro is educated he refuses to work and becomes a
criminal.
Sec.298
That whenever an Italian begins to dress like an American and to drive a
Dodge car, it is a sign he has taken to black-handing or has acquired an
interest in the white-slave trust.
Sec.299
That, in the days when there were breweries, the men who drove
beer-wagons drank 65 glasses of beer a head a day, and that it didn't
hurt them because it came direct from the wood.
Sec.300
That, until the time of American intervention, the people of the
Philippines were all cannibals, and displayed the heads of their fallen
enemies on poles in front of their houses.
Sec.301
That whenever a crowd of boys goes camping in summer two or three of
them are drowned, and the rest come home suffering from poison ivy.
Sec.302
That whenever a will case gets into the courts, the lawyers gobble all
the money, and the heirs come out penniless.
Sec.303
That every female moving-picture star carries on an intrigue with her
leading man, and will marry him as soon as he can get rid of his poor
first wife, who took in washing in order to pay for his education in the
art of acting.
Sec.304
That all theatrical managers are Jews, and that most of them can
scarcely speak English.
Sec.305
That a great many of women's serious diseases are due to high French
heels.
Sec.306
That if one does not scratch a mosquito bite, it will stop itching.
Sec.307
That when a girl gives a man a pen-knife for a present, their friendship
will come to an unhappy end unless he exercises the precaution to ward
off bad luck by giving her a penny.
Sec.308
That whenever one takes an umbrella with one, it doesn't rain.
Sec.309
That the cloth used in suits made in England is so good that it never
wears out.
Sec.310
That cinnamon drops are coloured red with a dye-stuff manufactured out
of the dried bodies of cochineal insects.
Sec.311
That the missionaries in China and Africa make fortunes robbing the
natives they are sent out to convert.
Sec.312
That there is a revolution in Central America every morning before
breakfast, and that the sole object of all the revolutionary chiefs is
to seize the money in the public treasury and make off to Paris.
Sec.313
That whenever there is a funeral in an Irish family the mourners all get
drunk and proceed to assault one another with clubs.
Sec.314
That all immigrants come to America in search of liberty, and that when
they attempt to exercise it they should be immediately sent back.
Sec.315
That whenever a rich American girl marries a foreign nobleman, he at
once gets hold of all her money, then beats her and then runs away with
an actress.
Sec.316
That if one begins eating peanuts one cannot stop.
Sec.317
That a bachelor never has any one to sew the buttons on his clothes.
Sec.318
That whenever a dog wags his tail it is a sign that he is particularly
happy.
Sec.319
That an Italian street labourer can do a hard day's work on one large
plate of spaghetti a day.
Sec.320
That if one breaks a mirror one will have bad luck for seven years.
Sec.321
That two men seldom agree that the same girl is good-looking.
Sec.322
That in the infinitesimal space of time between the springing of the
trap-door and his dropping through it, a hanged man sees his entire life
pass in panorama before him.
Sec.323
That when Washington crossed the Delaware, he stood up in the bow of the
boat holding aloft a large American flag.
Sec.324
That whereas a man always hopes his first child will be a boy, his wife
always hopes that it will be a girl.
Sec.325
That the first time a boy smokes a cigar he always becomes deathly sick.
Sec.326
That a woman always makes a practice of being deliberately late in
keeping an appointment with a man.
Sec.327
That if, encountering a savage beast in the jungle, one falls upon the
ground, lies still and pretends that one is dead, the savage beast will
promptly make off and not hurt one.
Sec.328
That if one sits in front of the Cafe de la Paix, in Paris, one will
soon or late see everybody in the world that one knows.
Sec.329
That it is always twice as hard to get rid of a summer cold as to get
rid of a winter cold.
Sec.330
That a soft speaking voice is the invariable mark of a well-bred man.
Sec.331
That the persons who most vociferously applaud the playing of "Dixie" in
restaurants are all Northerners who have never been further South than
Allentown, Pa.
Sec.332
That the larger the dog, the safer he is for children.
Sec.333
That Catholic priests never solicit money from their parishioners, but
merely assess them so much a head, and make them pay up instantly.
Sec.334
That nine times in ten when one is in pain, and a doctor assures one
that he is squirting morphine into one's arm, what he is really
squirting in is only warm water.
Sec.335
That a German civilian, before the war, had to get off the sidewalk
whenever an army lieutenant approached him on the street, and that, if
he failed to do so instantly, the lieutenant was free to run him through
with his sword.
Sec.336
That while it may be possible, in every individual case of spiritualist
communication with the dead, to prove fraud by the medium, the
accumulated effect of such communications is to demonstrate the
immortality of the soul.
Sec.337
That an Italian who earns and saves $1,000 in America can take the money
home, invest it in an estate, and live like a rich man thereafter.
Sec.338
That all Mormons, despite the laws against it, still practise polygamy,
and that they have agents all over the world recruiting cuties for their
harems.
Sec.339
That when a man goes to a photographer's to have his picture taken, the
knowledge that he is having his picture taken always makes him very
self-conscious, thus causing him to assume an expression which results
in the photograph being an inaccurate likeness.
Sec.340
That if the lower line on the palm of one's hand is a long one, it is a
sign that one is going to live to a ripe old age.
Sec.341
That Italian counts, before the war, always used to make their expenses
when they came to America by acting as wine agents.
Sec.342
That a Russian peasant, in the days of the czar, drank two quarts of
vodka a day.
Sec.343
That a German farmer can raise more produce on one acre of land than an
American can raise on a hundred.
Sec.344
That a boil on the neck purifies the blood and is worth $1,000.
Sec.345
That whenever a Frenchman comes home unexpectedly, some friend of the
family makes a quick sneak out of the back door.
Sec.346
That every negro servant girl spends at least half of her wages on
preparations for taking the kink out of her hair.
Sec.347
That the licorice candy sold in cheap candy stores is made of old rubber
boots.
Sec.348
That if a boy is given all he wants to drink at home he will not drink
when he is away from home.
Sec.349
That the second-class passengers on a trans-Atlantic steamship always
have more fun than the first-class passengers.
Sec.350
That a drunken man always pronounces every "s" as "sh."
Sec.351
That champagne will prevent seasickness.
Sec.352
That thin wrists and slender ankles are unmistakable signs of
aristocratic breeding.
Sec.353
That when one asks a girl to go canoeing she always brings along a
bright red or yellow sofa cushion.
Sec.354
That when a woman buys cigars for a man she always judges the quality of
the cigars by the magnificence of the cigar-bands.
Sec.355
That candle light makes a woman forty-five years old look fifteen years
younger.
Sec.356
That the winters in the United States are a good deal less cold than
they used to be, and that the change has been caused by the Gulf Stream.
Sec.357
That the Thursday matinees given by Chauncey Olcott are attended only by
Irish servant girls.
Sec.358
That the reason the British authorities didn't lock up Bernard Shaw
during the war was because they were afraid of his mind.
Sec.359
That Professor Garner is able to carry on long and intimate
conversations with monkeys in their own language.
Sec.360
That oysters are a great aphrodisiac.
Sec.361
That if one sleeps with one's head on a high pillow one will be
round-shouldered.
Sec.362
That coal miners get so dirty that they have to wash so often that they
are the cleanest working-men in the world.
Sec.363
That the average French housewife can make such a soup out of the
contents of a garbage-can that the eater will think he is at the Ritz.
Sec.364
That such authors as Dr. Frank Crane and Herbert Kaufman do not really
believe what they write, but print it simply for the money that is in
it.
Sec.365
That the average newspaper cartoonist makes $100,000 a year.
Sec.366
That when a play is given in an insane asylum the inmates always laugh
at the tragic moments and cry at the humorous moments.
Sec.367
That if a girl takes the last cake off a plate she will die an old maid.
Sec.368
That men high in public affairs always read detective stories for
diversion.
Sec.369
That the wireless news bulletins posted daily on ocean liners are made
up on board.
Sec.370
That the Swiss, when they sing, always yodel.
Sec.371
That all German housewives are very frugal.
Sec.372
That if one holds a buttercup under a person's chin and a yellow light
is reflected upon that person's chin, it is a sign that he likes butter.
Sec.373
That all penny-in-the-slot weighing machines make a fat woman lighter
and a thin woman heavier.
Sec.374
That in the period just before a woman's baby is born the woman's face
takes on a peculiar spiritual and holy look.
Sec.375
That when a Chinese laundryman hands one a slip for one's laundry, the
Chinese letters which he writes on the slip have nothing to do with the
laundry but are in reality a derogatory description of the owner.
Sec.376
That an old woman with rheumatism in her leg can infallibly predict when
it is going to rain.
Sec.377
That Philadelphia is a very sleepy town.
Sec.378
That it is impossible for a man to learn how to thread a needle.
Sec.379
That there is something unmanly about a grown man playing the piano,
save only when he plays it in a bordello.
Sec.380
That a couple of quinine pills, with a chaser of rye whiskey, will cure
a cold.
Sec.381
That all Congressmen who voted for Prohibition are secret lushers and
have heavy stocks of all sorts of liquors in their cellars.
Sec.382
That a certain Exalted Personage in Washington is a gay dog with the
ladies and used to cut up with a stock company actress.
Sec.383
That all the best cooks are men.
Sec.384
That all Japanese butlers are lieutenants in the Japanese Navy and that
they read and copy all letters received by the folks they work for.
Sec.385
That the best way to stop nose-bleed is to drop a door-key down the
patient's back.
Sec.386
That a thunder-storm will cause milk to turn sour.
Sec.387
That if a man drinks three glasses of buttermilk every day he will never
be ill.
Sec.388
That whenever two Indians meet they greet each other with the word
"How!"
Sec.389
That the Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States all chew
tobacco while hearing cases, but that they are very serious men
otherwise, and never laugh, or look at a pretty girl, or get tight.
Sec.390
That all negro prize-fighters marry white women, and that they afterward
beat them.
Sec.391
That New Orleans is a very gay town and full of beautiful French
creoles.
Sec.392
That gin is good for the kidneys.
Sec.393
That the English lower classes are so servile that they say "Thank you,
sir," if one kicks them in the pantaloons.
Sec.394
That the gipsies who go about the country are all horse-thieves, and
that they will put a spell upon the cattle of any farmer who has them
arrested for stealing his mare.
Sec.395
That every bachelor of easy means has an illicit affair with a grass
widow in a near-by city and is the father of several illegitimate
children.
Sec.396
That a country editor receives so many presents of potatoes, corn,
rutabagas, asparagus, country ham, carrots, turnips, etc., that he never
has to buy any food.
Sec.397
That whenever news reached him of another Federal disaster Abraham
Lincoln would laugh it off with a very funny and often somewhat smutty
story, made up on the spot.
Sec.398
That George Washington died of a heavy cold brought on by swimming the
Potomac in the heart of winter to visit a yellow girl on the Maryland
shore.
Sec.399
That all negroes who show any intelligence whatever are actually
two-thirds white, and the sons of United States Senators.
Sec.400
That the late King Leopold of Belgium left 350 illegitimate children.
Sec.401
That Senator Henry Cabot Lodge is a very brainy man, though somewhat
stuck up.
Sec.402
That if one eats ice-cream after lobster one will be doubled up by
belly-ache.
Sec.403
That Quakers, for all their religion, are always very sharp traders and
have a great deal of money hidden away in banks.
Sec.404
That old baseball players always take to booze, and so end their days
either as panhandlers, as night watchmen or as janitors of Odd Fellows'
halls.
Sec.405
That the object of the players, in college football, is to gouge out one
another's eyes and pull off one another's ears.
Sec.406
That the sort of woman who carries around a Pomeranian dog, if she
should ever have a child inadvertently, would give the midwife $500 to
make away with it.
Sec.407
That a woman likes to go to a bargain sale, fight her way to the
counter, and have pins stuck into her and her feet mashed by other
women.
Sec.408
That, if one swallows an ounce of olive oil before going to a banquet,
one will not get drunk.
Sec.409
That a mud-turtle is so tenacious of life that if one cuts off his head
a new one will grow in its place.
Sec.410
That the only things farmers read are government documents and
patent-medicine almanacs.
Sec.411
That if one's ear itches it is a sign that some one is talking of one.
Sec.412
That Italian children, immediately they leave the cradle, are sewed into
their underclothes, and that they never get a bath thereafter until they
are confirmed.
Sec.413
That all Catholic priests are very hearty eaters, and have good wine
cellars.
Sec.414
That politics in America would be improved by turning all the public
offices over to business men.
Sec.415
That department store sales are always fakes, and that they mark down a
few things to attract the women and then swindle them by lifting the
prices on things they actually want.
Sec.416
That 100,000 abortions are performed in Chicago every year.
Sec.417
That John D. Rockefeller has a great mind, and would make a fine
President if it were not for his craze for money.
Sec.418
That all the Jews who were drafted during the late war were put into the
Quartermaster's Department on account of their extraordinary business
acumen.
Sec.419
That a jury never convicts a pretty woman.
Sec.420
That chorus girls in the old days got so tired of drinking champagne
that the sound of a cork popping made them shudder.
Sec.421
That the Massachusetts troops, after the first battle of Bull Run,
didn't stop running until they reached Harrisburg, Pa.
Sec.422
That General Grant was always soused during a battle, and that on the
few occasions when he was sober he got licked.
Sec.423
That the late King Edward used to carry on in Paris at such a gait that
he shocked even the Parisians.
Sec.424
That it takes an Englishman two days to see a joke, and that he always
gets it backward even then.
Sec.425
That headwaiters in fashionable hotels make $100 a day.
Sec.426
That if a bat flies into a woman's hair, the hair must be cut off to get
it out.
Sec.427
That all the women in Chicago have very large feet.
Sec.428
That on cold nights policemen always sneak into stables on their beats
and go to sleep.
Sec.429
That all the school-boys in Boston have bulged brows, wear large
spectacles and can read Greek.
Sec.430
That all dachshunds come from Germany.
Sec.431
That nine out of every ten Frenchmen have syphilis.
Sec.432
That the frankfurters sold at circuses and pleasure parks are made of
dog meat.
Sec.433
That all the cheaper brands of cigarettes are sophisticated with drugs,
and in time cause those who smoke them to get softening of the brain.
Sec.434
That rock-and-rye will cure a cold.
Sec.435
That a country boy armed with a bent pin can catch more fish than a city
angler with the latest and most expensive tackle.
Sec.436
That red-haired girls are especially virulent.
Sec.437
That all gamblers eventually go broke.
Sec.438
That the worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Sec.439
That an elephant in a circus never forgets a person who gives him a
chew of tobacco or a rotten peanut, but will single him out from a crowd
years afterward and bash in his head with one colossal blow.
Sec.440
That it is unlucky to put your hat on a bed.
Sec.441
That an old sock makes the best wrapping for a sore throat.
Sec.442
That lighting three cigarettes with one match will bring some terrible
calamity upon one or other of the three smokers.
Sec.443
That milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is
possessed only by yokels, and that a person born in a large city can
never hope to acquire it.
Sec.444
That whenever there is a rough-house during a strike, it is caused by
foreign anarchists who are trying to knock out American idealism.
Sec.445
That, whatever the demerits of Jews otherwise, they are always very kind
to their old parents.
Sec.446
That the Swiss army, though small, is so strong that not even the German
army in its palmy days could have invaded Switzerland, and that it is
strong because all Swiss are patriots to the death.
Sec.447
That when two Frenchmen fight a duel, whether with pistols or with
swords, neither of them is ever hurt half so much as he would have been
had he fought an honest American wearing boxing-gloves.
Sec.448
That whenever Prohibition is enforced in a region populated by negroes,
they take to morphine, heroin and other powerful drugs, and begin
murdering all of the white inhabitants.
Sec.449
That all the great writers of the world now use typewriters.
Sec.450
That all Presidents of the United States get many hot tips on the
stock-market, but that they are too honourable to play them, and so turn
them over to their wives, who make fortunes out of them.
Sec.451
That Elihu Root is an intellectual giant, and that it is a pity the
suspicion of him among farmers makes it impossible to elect him
President.
Sec.452
That no man not a sissy can ever learn to thread a needle or darn a
sock.
Sec.453
That all glass blowers soon or late die of consumption.
Sec.454
That all women who go in bathing at the French seaside resorts affect
very naughty one-piece bathing suits.
Sec.455
That George M. Cohan and Irving Berlin can only play the piano with one
finger.
Sec.456
That farmers always go into gold mine swindles because of the
magnificently embossed stock certificates.
Sec.457
That the Germans eat six regular meals a day, and between times stave
off their appetite with numerous Schweitzer cheese sandwiches, blutwurst
and beer.
Sec.458
That David Belasco teaches his actresses how to express emotion by
knocking them down and pulling them around the stage by the hair.
Sec.459
That only Americans travel in the first class carriages of foreign
railway trains, and that fashionable Englishmen always travel third
class.
Sec.460
That the whiskey sold in blind pigs contains wood alcohol and causes
those who drink it to go blind.
Sec.461
That wealthy society women never wear their pearl necklaces in public,
but always keep them at home in safes and wear indistinguishable
imitations instead.
Sec.462
That the late Charles Yerkes had no less than twenty girls, for each of
whom he provided a Fifth Avenue mansion and a yearly income of $50,000.
Sec.463
That when one goes to a railroad station to meet some one, the train is
never on time.
Sec.464
That the theatregoers in the Scandinavian countries care for nothing but
Ibsen and Strindberg.
Sec.465
That all doctors write prescriptions illegibly.
Sec.466
That Englishwomen are very cold.
Sec.467
That when the weather man predicts rain it always turns out fair, and
that when he predicts fair it always rains.
Sec.468
That lemon juice will remove freckles.
Sec.469
That if a woman wears a string of amber beads she will never get a sore
throat.
Sec.470