Sec.23
That when a girl enters a hospital as a nurse, her primary object is
always to catch one of the doctors.
Sec.24
That the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Sec.25
That a young girl ought to devote herself sedulously to her piano
lessons since, when she is married, her playing will be a great comfort
to her husband.
Sec.26
That all theater box-office employes are very impolite and hate to sell
a prospective patron a ticket.
Sec.27
That all great men have illegible signatures.
Sec.28
That all iron-moulders and steam-fitters, back in the days of freedom,
used to get drunk every Saturday night.
Sec.29
That if a man takes a cold bath regularly every morning of his life he
will never be ill.
Sec.30
That ginger snaps are made of the sweepings of the floor in the bakery.
Sec.31
That every circus clown's heart is breaking for one reason or another.
Sec.32
That a bull-fighter always has so many women in love with him that he
doesn't know what to do.
Sec.33
That George M. Cohan spends all his time hanging around Broadway cafes
and street-corners making flip remarks.
Sec.34
That one can never tell accurately what the public wants.
Sec.35
That every time one sat upon an old-fashioned horse-hair sofa one of the
protruding sharp hairs would stab one through the union suit.
Sec.36
That when an ocean vessel collides with another vessel or hits an
iceberg and starts to sink, the ship's band promptly rushes up to the
top deck and begins playing "Nearer, My God, to Thee."
Sec.37
That in no town in America where it has played has "Uncle Tom's Cabin"
ever failed to make money.
Sec.38
That the tenement districts are the unhealthy places they are because
the dwellers hang their bed-clothing out on the fire-escapes.
Sec.39
That, in small town hotels, the tap marked "hot water" always gives
forth cold water and that the tap marked "cold" always gives forth hot.
Sec.40
That every lieutenant in the American army who went to France had an
affair with a French comtesse.
Sec.41
That when cousins marry, their children are born blind, deformed, or
imbecile.
Sec.42
That a cat falling from the twentieth story of the Singer Building will
land upon the pavement below on its feet, uninjured and as frisky as
ever.
Sec.43
That the accumulation of great wealth always brings with it great
unhappiness.
Sec.44
That it is unlucky to count the carriages in a funeral.
Sec.45
That the roulette wheel at Monte Carlo is controlled by a wire as thin
as a hair which is controlled in turn by a button hidden beneath the rug
near the operator's great toe.
Sec.46
That Polish women are so little human that one of them can have a baby
at 8 A.M. and cook her husband's dinner at noon.
Sec.47
That Henry James never wrote a short sentence.
Sec.48
That it is bad luck to kill a spider.
Sec.49
That German peasants are possessed of a profound knowledge of music.
Sec.50
That every coloured cook has a lover who never works, and that she feeds
him by stealing the best part of every dish she cooks.
Sec.51
That George Bernard Shaw doesn't really believe anything he writes.
Sec.52
That the music of Richard Wagner is all played _fortissimo_, and by
cornets.
Sec.53
That the Masonic order goes back to the days of King Solomon.
Sec.54
That swearing is forbidden by the Bible.
Sec.55
That all newspaper reporters carry notebooks.
Sec.56
That whiskey is good for snake-bite.
Sec.57
That surgeons often kill patients for the sheer pleasure of it.
Sec.58
That ten drops of camphor in half a glass of water will prevent a cold.
Sec.59
That the first thing a country jake does when he comes to New York is to
make a bee line for Grant's Tomb and the Aquarium.
Sec.60
That if one's nose tickles it is a sign that one is going to meet a
stranger or kiss a fool.
Sec.61
That if one's right ear burns, it is a sign that some one is saying nice
things about one.
Sec.62
That if one's left ear burns, it is a sign that some one is saying mean
things about one.
Sec.63
That French women use great quantities of perfume in lieu of taking a
bath.
Sec.64
That a six-footer is invariably a virtuoso of amour superior to a man
of, say, five feet seven.
Sec.65
That a soubrette is always fifteen or twenty years older than she looks.
Sec.66
That what impels most men to have their finger-nails manicured is a
vanity for having manicured finger-nails.
Sec.67
That water rots the hair and thus causes baldness.
Sec.68
That when one twin dies, the other twin becomes exceedingly melancholy
and soon also dies.
Sec.69
That one may always successfully get a cinder out of the eye by not
touching the eye, but by rolling it in an outward direction and
simultaneously blowing the nose.
Sec.70
That if one wears light weight underwear winter and summer the year
'round, one will never catch a cold.
Sec.71
That a drunken man is invariably more bellicose than a sober man.
Sec.72
That all prize-fighters and baseball players have their hair cut round
in the back.
Sec.73
That the work of a detective calls for exceptionally high sagacity and
cunning.
Sec.74
That on the first day of the season in the pleasure parks many persons,
owing to insufficiently tested apparatus, are regularly killed on the
roller-coasters.
Sec.75
That a play, a novel, or a short story with a happy ending is
necessarily a commercialized and inartistic piece of work.
Sec.76
That a person who follows up a cucumber salad with a dish of ice-cream
will inevitably be the victim of cholera morbus.
Sec.77
That a Sunday School superintendent is always carrying on an intrigue
with one of the girls in the choir.
Sec.78
That it is one of the marks of a gentleman that he never speaks evil of
a woman.
Sec.79
That a member of the Masons cannot be hanged.
Sec.80
That a policeman can eat _gratis_ as much fruit and as many peanuts off
the street-corner stands as he wants.
Sec.81
That the real President of the United States is J. P. Morgan.
Sec.82
That onion breath may be promptly removed by drinking a little milk.
Sec.83
That onion breath may be promptly removed by eating a little parsley.
Sec.84
That Catholic priests conduct their private conversations in Latin.
Sec.85
That John Drew is a great society man.
Sec.86
That all Swedes are stupid fellows, and have very thick skulls.
Sec.87
That all the posthumously printed stories of David Graham Phillips and
Jack London have been written by hacks hired by the magazine editors and
publishers.
Sec.88
That a man like Charles Schwab, who has made a great success of the
steel business, could in the same way easily have become a great
composer like Bach or Mozart had he been minded thus to devote his
talents.
Sec.89
That the man who doesn't hop promptly to his feet when the orchestra
plays "The Star Spangled Banner" as an overture to Hurtig and Seamon's
"Hurly-Burly Girlies" must have either rheumatism or pro-German
sympathies.
Sec.90
That every workman in Henry Ford's factory owns a pretty house in the
suburbs and has a rose-garden in the back-yard.
Sec.91
That all circus people are very pure and lead domestic lives.
Sec.92
That if a spark hits a celluloid collar, the collar will explode.
Sec.93
That when a bachelor who has hated children for twenty years gets
married and discovers he is about to become a father, he is delighted.
Sec.94
That drinking three drinks of whiskey a day will prevent pneumonia.
Sec.95
That every negro who went to France with the army had a liaison with a
white woman and won't look at a nigger wench any more.
Sec.96
That all Russians have unpronounceable names.
Sec.97
That awnings keep rooms cool.
Sec.98
That it is very difficult to decipher a railroad time-table.
Sec.99
That gamblers may always be identified by their habit of wearing large
diamonds.
Sec.100
That when a man embarks in a canoe with a girl, the chances are two to
one that the girl will move around when the boat is in mid-stream and
upset it.
Sec.101
That German babies are brought up on beer in place of milk.
Sec.102
That a man with two shots of cocaine in him could lick Jack Dempsey.
Sec.103
That fully one half the repertoire of physical ailments is due to uric
acid.
Sec.104
That a woman, when buying a cravat for a man, always picks out one of
green and purple with red polka-dots.
Sec.105
That a negro's vote may always be readily bought for a dollar.
Sec.106
That cripples always have very sunny dispositions.
Sec.107
That if one drops a crust of bread into one's glass of champagne, one
can drink indefinitely without getting drunk.
Sec.108
That a brass band always makes one feel like marching.
Sec.109
That, when shaving on a railway train, a man invariably cuts himself.
Sec.110
That the male Spaniard is generally a handsome, flashing-eyed fellow,
possessed of fiery temper.
Sec.111
That after drinking a glass of absinthe one has peculiar hallucinations
and nightmares.
Sec.112
That since the Indians were never bald, baldness comes from wearing
tight hats.
Sec.113
That all wine-agents are very loose men.
Sec.114
That the editor of a woman's magazine is always a lizzie.
Sec.115
That what is contained in the pitcher on the speakers' platform is
always ice-water.
Sec.116
That all Senators from Texas wear sombreros, chew tobacco, expectorate
profusely, and frequently employ the word "maverick."
Sec.117
That the meters on taxicabs are covertly manipulated by the chauffeurs
by means of wires hidden under the latters' seats.
Sec.118
That Lillian Russell is as beautiful today as she was thirty-five years
ago.
Sec.119
That if a young woman can hold a lighted match in her fingers until it
completely burns up, it is a sign that her young man really loves her.
Sec.120
That if a young woman accidentally puts on her lingerie wrong side out,
it is a sign that she will be married before the end of the year.
Sec.121
That if a bride wears an old garter with her new finery, she will have a
happy married life.
Sec.122
That a sudden chill is a sign that somebody is walking over one's grave.
Sec.123
That some ignoble Italian is at the bottom of every Dorothy Arnold
_fugax_.
Sec.124
That a tarantula will not crawl over a piece of rope.
Sec.125
That millionaires always go to sleep at the opera.
Sec.126
That Paderewski can get all the pianos he wants for nothing.
Sec.127
That a bloodhound never makes a mistake.
Sec.128
That celery is good for the nerves.
Sec.129
That the jokes in _Punch_ are never funny.
Sec.130
That the Mohammedans are heathens.
Sec.131
That a sudden shock may cause the hair to turn grey over night.
Sec.132
That the farmer is an honest man, and greatly imposed upon.
Sec.133
That all the antique furniture sold in America is made in Grand Rapids,
Mich., and that the holes testifying to its age are made either with
gimlets or by trained worms.
Sec.134
That if a dog is fond of a man it is an infallible sign that the man is
a good sort, and one to be trusted.
Sec.135
That blondes are flightier than brunettes.
Sec.136
That a nurse, however ugly, always looks beautiful to the sick man.
Sec.137
That book-keepers are always round-shouldered.
Sec.138
That if one touches a hop-toad, one will get warts.
Sec.139
That a collar-button that drops to the floor when one is dressing
invariably rolls into an obscure and inaccessible spot and eludes the
explorations of its owner.
Sec.140
That an American ambassador has the French, German, Italian, Spanish,
Portuguese, Russian and Japanese languages at his finger tips, and is
chummy with royalty.
Sec.141
That the ready-made mail order blue serge suits for men are put together
with mucilage, and turn green after they have been in the sunlight for a
day or two.
Sec.142
That if one has only three matches left, the first two will invariably
go out, but that the third and last will remain lighted.
Sec.143
That all Chinamen smoke opium.
Sec.144
That every country girl who falls has been seduced by a man from the
city.
Sec.145
That an intelligent prize-fighter always triumphs over an ignorant
prize-fighter, however superior the latter in agility and strength.
Sec.146
That a doctor's family never gets sick.
Sec.147
That nature designed a horse's tail primarily as a flicker-off of flies.
Sec.148
That nicotine keeps the teeth in a sound condition.
Sec.149
That when an Odd Fellow dies he is always given a magnificent funeral by
his lodge, including a band and a parade.
Sec.150
That the man who is elected president of the Senior Class in a college
is always the most popular man in his class.
Sec.151
That a minor actress in a theatrical company always considers the
leading man a superb creature, and loves him at a distance.
Sec.152
That a Southern levee is a gay place.
Sec.153
That when a dog whines in the middle of the night, it is a sure sign
that some one is going to die.
Sec.154
That the stenographer in a business house is always coveted by her
employer, who invites her to luncheon frequently, gradually worms his
way into her confidence, keeps her after office hours one day,
accomplishes her ruin, and then sets her up in a magnificently furnished
apartment in Riverside Drive and appeases her old mother by paying the
latter's expenses for a summer holiday with her daughter at the
seashore.
Sec.155
That the extinction of the Indian has been a deplorable thing.
Sec.156
That everybody has a stomach-ache after Thanksgiving dinner.
Sec.157
That, in summer, tan shoes are much cooler on the feet than black shoes.
Sec.158
That every man who calls himself Redmond is a Jew whose real name is
Rosenberg.
Sec.159
That General Grant never directed a battle save with a cigar in his
mouth.
Sec.160
That there is something slightly peculiar about a man who wears spats.
Sec.161
That the more modest a young girl is, the more innocent she is.
Sec.162
That what a woman admires above everything else in a man is an upright
character.
Sec.163
That seafaring men drink nothing but rum.
Sec.164
That no family in the slums has less than six children.
Sec.165
That a piece of camphor worn on a string around the neck will ward off
disease.
Sec.166
That a saloon with a sign reading "Family Entrance" on its side door
invariably has a bawdy house upstairs.
Sec.167
That the wife of a rich man always wistfully looks back into the past
and wishes she had married a poor man.
Sec.168
That all persons prominent in smart society are very dull.
Sec.169
That when ordering a drink of whiskey at a bar, a man always used to
instruct the bartender as to the size of the drink he desired by saying
"two fingers" or "three fingers."
Sec.170
That all the wine formerly served in Italian restaurants was made in the
cellar, and was artificially coloured with some sort of dye that was
very harmful to the stomach.
Sec.171
That bootblacks whistle because they are so happy.
Sec.172
That stokers on ocean liners are from long service so used to the heat
of the furnaces that they don't notice it.
Sec.173
That what draws men to horse races is love of the sport.
Sec.174
That tarantulas often come from the tropics in bunches of bananas, and
that when one of them stings a negro on the wharf he swells up, turns
green and dies within three hours.
Sec.175
That a man will do anything for the woman he loves.
Sec.176
That the reason William Gillette, who has been acting for over forty
years, always smokes cigars in the parts he plays is because he is very
nervous when on the stage.
Sec.177
That the doughnut is an exceptionally indigestible article.
Sec.178
That one captive balloon in every two containing persons on pleasure
bent breaks away from its moorings, and drifts out to sea.
Sec.179
That a workingman always eats what is in his dinnerpail with great
relish.
Sec.180
That children were much better behaved twenty years ago than they are
today.
Sec.181
That the cashier of a restaurant in adding up a customer's cheque always
adds a dollar which is subsequently split between himself and the
waiter.
Sec.182
That it is impossible to pronounce the word "statistics" without
stuttering.
Sec.183
That the profession of white slaving, in 1900 controlled exclusively by
Chinamen, has since passed entirely under the control of Italians.
Sec.184
That every person in the Riviera lives in a "villa."
Sec.185
That the chief form of headgear among the Swiss is the Alpine hat.
Sec.186
That each year a man volunteers to take his children to the circus
merely as a subterfuge to go himself.
Sec.187
That all marriages with actresses turn out badly.
Sec.188
That San Francisco is a very gay place, and full of opium joints.
Sec.189
That an elevator operator never succeeds in stopping his car on a level
with the floor.
Sec.190
That they don't make any pianos today as good as the old square ones.
Sec.191
That a man who habitually clears his throat before he speaks is
generally a self-important hypocrite and a bluffer.
Sec.192
That Maurice Maeterlinck, the Belgian Dr. Frank Crane, leads a monastic
life.
Sec.193
That whenever a vaudeville comedian quotes a familiar commercial slogan,
such as "His Master's Voice," or "Eventually, why not now?", he is paid
$50 a performance for doing so.
Sec.194
That all Asiatic idols have large precious rubies in their foreheads.
Sec.195
That when the foe beheld Joan of Arc leading the French army against
them, a look of terror froze their features and that, casting their arms
from them, they broke into a frenzied and precipitate flight.
Sec.196
That the late King Edward VII as Prince of Wales easily got every girl
he wanted.
Sec.197
That the penitentiaries of the United States contain a great number of
hapless prisoners possessed of a genuine gift for poetry.
Sec.198
That if a cat gets into a room where a baby is sleeping, the cat will
suck the baby's breath and kill it.
Sec.199
That all men named Clarence, Claude or Percy are sissies.
Sec.200
That a street car conductor steals every fifth nickel.
Sec.201
That the security of a bank is to be estimated in proportion to the
solidity of the bank building.
Sec.202
That seventy-five per cent of all taxicab drivers have at one time or
another been in Sing Sing.
Sec.203
That one can buy a fine suit of clothes in London for twelve dollars.
Sec.204
That the chicken salad served in restaurants is always made of veal.
Sec.205
That a play without a bed in it never makes any money in Paris.
Sec.206
That Conan Doyle would have made a wonderful detective.
Sec.207
That an oyster-shucker every month or so discovers a pearl which he goes
out and sells for five hundred dollars.
Sec.208
That a napkin is always wrapped around a champagne bottle for the
purpose of hiding the label, and that the quality of the champagne may
be judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Sec.209
That because a married woman remains loyal to her husband she loves him.
Sec.210
That every time one blows oneself to a particularly expensive cigar and
leans back to enjoy oneself with a good smoke after a hearty and
satisfying dinner, the cigar proceeds to burn down the side.
Sec.211
That when a police captain goes on a holiday he always gets boilingly
drunk.
Sec.212
That an Italian puts garlic in everything he eats, including coffee.
Sec.213
That if one hits a negro on the head with a cobblestone, the cobblestone
will break.
Sec.214
That all nuns have entered convents because of unfortunate love
affairs.
Sec.215
That, being surrounded by alcoholic beverages and believing the
temptation would be irresistible once he began, a bartender in the old
days never took a drink.
Sec.216
That all millionaires are born in small ramshackle houses situated near
railroad tracks.
Sec.217
That farmers afford particularly easy prey for book-agents and are the
largest purchasers of cheap sets of Guy de Maupassant, Rudyard Kipling
and O. Henry.
Sec.218
That George Washington never told a lie.
Sec.219
That a dark cigar is always a strong one.
Sec.220
That the night air is poisonous.
Sec.221
That a hair from a horse's tail, if put into a bottle of water, will
turn into a snake.
Sec.222
That champagne is the best of all wines.
Sec.223
That it snowed every Christmas down to fifteen years ago.
Sec.224
That if a young woman finds a piece of tea leaf floating around the top
of her tea cup, it is a sign that she will be married before the end of
the year.
Sec.225
That if, after one lusty blow, a girl's birthday cake reveals nine
candles still burning, it is a sign that it will be nine years before
she gets married.
Sec.226
That if, while promenading, a girl and her escort walk on either side of
a water hydrant or other obstruction instead of both walking 'round it
on the same side, they will have a misunderstanding before the month is
over.
Sec.227
That it is unlikely that a man and woman who enter a hotel without
baggage after 10 P.M. and register are man and wife.
Sec.228
That all country girls have clear, fresh, rosy complexions.
Sec.229
That chorus girls spend the time during the entr'-actes sitting around
naked in their dressing-rooms telling naughty stories.
Sec.230
That many soldiers' lives have been saved in battle by bullets lodging
in Bibles which they have carried in their breast pockets.
Sec.231
That each year the Fourth of July exodus to the bathing beaches on the
part of persons from the city establishes a new record.
Sec.232
That women with red hair or wide nostrils are possessed of especially
passionate natures.
Sec.233
That three-fourths of the inhabitants of Denver are lungers who have
gone there for the mountain air.
Sec.234
That, when sojourning in Italy, one always feels very lazy.
Sec.235
That the people of Johnstown, Pa., still talk of nothing but the flood.
Sec.236
That there is no finer smell in the world than that of burning autumn
leaves.
Sec.237
That Jules Verne anticipated all the great modern inventions.
Sec.238
That a man is always a much heartier eater than a woman.
Sec.239
That all the girls in Mr. Ziegfeld's "Follies" are extraordinarily
seductive, and that at least 40 head of bank cashiers are annually
guilty of tapping the till in order to buy them diamonds and Russian
sables.
Sec.240
That a college sophomore is always a complete ignoramus.
Sec.241
That rubbers in wet weather are a preventive of colds.
Sec.242
That if one eats oysters in a month not containing an "r," one is
certain to get ptomaine poisoning.
Sec.243
That a woman with a 7-1/2-C foot always tries to squeeze it into a
4-1/2-A shoe.
Sec.244
That no shop girl ever reads anything but Laura Jean Libbey and the
cheap sex magazines.
Sec.245
That there is something peculiar about a man who wears a red tie.
Sec.246
That all Bolsheviki and Anarchists have whiskers.
Sec.247
That all the millionaires of Pittsburgh are very loud fellows, and raise
merry hell with the chorus girls every time they go to New York.
Sec.248
That a man of fifty-five is always more experienced than a man of
thirty-five.
Sec.249
That new Bermuda potatoes come from Bermuda.
Sec.250
That the boy who regularly stands at the foot of his class in school
always turns out in later life to be very successful.
Sec.251
That the ornamental daggers fashioned out of one hundred dollars' worth
of Chinese coins strung together, which one buys in Pekin or Hong Kong
for three dollars and a quarter, are fashioned out of one hundred
dollars' worth of Chinese coins.
Sec.252
That it is hard to find any one in Hoboken, N.J., who can speak English.
Sec.253
That the head-waiter in a fashionable restaurant has better manners than
any other man in the place.
Sec.254
That a girl always likes best the man who is possessed of a cavalier
politeness.
Sec.255
That the most comfortable room conceivable is one containing a great big
open fireplace.
Sec.256
That brunettes are more likely to grow stout in later years than
blondes.
Sec.257
That a sepia photograph of the Coliseum, framed, is a work of art.
Sec.258
That every time one crosses the English Channel one encounters rough
weather and is very sea-sick.
Sec.259
That the Navajo blankets sold to trans-continental tourists by the
Indians on the station platform at Albuquerque, New Mexico, are made by
the Elite Novelty M'f'g. Co. of Passaic, N.J., and are bought by the
Indians in lots of 1,000.
Sec.260
That appendicitis is an ailment invented by surgeons twelve years ago
for money-making purposes and that, in the century before that time, no
one was ever troubled with it.
Sec.261