table, avoid all these things: reaching over the plates of others;
standing up to reach articles; instead of asking to have them passed to
you; using your own knife for butter or salt, when it is the custom of
the family to use a butter knife and salt spoon; setting dripping cups
on the table cloth when cup mats, or plates, are provided; using the
table cloth instead of your handkerchief; eating fast, and in a noisy
manner; putting large pieces in the mouth; looking, and eating as if
you were very hungry, or very anxious to get at certain dishes; sitting
too far from the table, or too near to it; projecting your elbows when
using the knife and fork; dropping food in your lap; laying the knife
and fork on the table cloth, instead of on the bread, or your plate;
putting your own knife or fork into the dishes, instead of asking to be
helped; taking too large a share of some favourite article; making a
noise in sipping tea, or eating soups; leaning on the table with your
elbows; lolling back in your chair at table, and taking food with your
own fork from the dishes, instead of asking to be helped.
* * * * *
In regard to _dress_, the great rule of propriety and good taste is,
_always to dress clean and tidy, and always to have your dress suited
to your means, and your employment_.
This is the rule that regulates persons of good sense and good taste,
in all classes and ranks. If a woman wears ever so elegant and
expensive clothing, and yet her hair is in disorder and her dress
untidy, every one feels that she is dressed in bad taste. If a woman
has a small income, and yet appears in dresses and ornaments that are
suitable only for persons of great wealth, every one pities or laughs
at her for her want of taste and propriety.
If a woman puts on expensive and handsome dresses to work in, no matter
how rich she is, every one feels that it looks vulgar and improper.
There is nothing that more surely marks the well bred, well educated
woman, than the style of her dress. If she has small means she will
dress simply and economically, if she is very wealthy, she will
wear rich and handsome clothing, but not tawdry finery or loads of
ornaments. If she is doing work that soils clothing, she puts on dark
and cheap articles, if she is going on a journey, she puts on a dress
that dust will not injure, and leaves off all her ornaments. If she is
going out in the cold and wet, she puts on stout and warm covering for
her feet and person.
Now there is no point where domestics so often show their want of good
education and good taste, as in the choice of their dress. Every one
knows that the income of a domestic is very small, and that they are
daily employed in work that soils a dress. When, therefore, domestics
appear in dresses suitable only for persons who have wealth, and
employments that do not soil dresses, every one feels, that for want
of a good education, they are deficient in good taste and a sense of
propriety. The same opinion is formed of _all_ persons who have small
means, and who labour for a support, when they _rig out_ in showy and
expensive dresses.
A domestic who has good sense and good taste, will always dress neatly,
plainly, and in materials suitable to the work she performs.
There are few things more annoying to visitors, or to the master and
mistress of a family, than to have food served at table, by domestics
whose hands, hair, and dress are untidy. I have repeatedly known the
gentleman of the house whisper to his wife to send the person waiting
on table out of the room, because he had rather wait on himself, than
to have such a disgusting object before his eyes.
I would therefore earnestly recommend, that _always_ before you come
down in the morning, you put your hair in neat order, and that you so
braid or tie it up, that it will not get out of order while you are at
work. Also, that you take pains to have dark clothing for your work,
and that it always be kept neat and tidy. It is a good plan, also, to
keep a supply of large, clean aprons, to slip on when you cannot change
your dress, and yet wish to go into the parlour.
And I pray you not to spend all your earnings in showy dresses, that,
to all sensible people, make you appear foolish and ignorant of all
propriety. It is far better to buy strong, and plain dresses, and lay
up your earnings to buy furniture, if you ever become a housekeeper, or
to support you in sickness, or old age, if you never marry. There are
_Savings Banks_ in almost all our cities, where you can lay up small
earnings, and receive interest for them, so as to increase their value
every year; and there is less risk in putting money into these banks,
than in any other way, because their business is arranged for the
purpose of making them safe.
There is another point, to which I would especially urge attention,
and that is, to the _improvement of your mind by reading_, and when you
can do so, by study.
The greatest disadvantages domestics have to meet, are caused by their
want of a good education. It is owing to the want of such advantages,
that they are so apt to be untidy in appearance, rude and disrespectful
in manner, and vulgar in their pronunciation and language. Now, though
you may be in such a situation that you cannot go to a school, yet
if you will be diligent and economical in time and dress, you can do
a great deal to improve your education. There are few families where
there is not some lady, who would be willing to hear you read, or
recite a lesson for half an hour every day, if you expressed a wish so
to do. And you would also be provided with books to read and study, at
little or no expense, if you appeared to be anxious to learn, and were
faithful and diligent, in order to gain time.
And the more you read and study, the more your character, manners, and
habits will be likely to improve. Some persons imagine that a good
education injures persons in your station, by making them proud and
discontented. But this is a great mistake. The most faithful, diligent,
agreeable, and respectable domestics I ever saw, were those who had
the best education, while those who are ignorant, have not sense
and information enough, to see the propriety of conforming to their
situation and duties.
If this country were thrown into the situation in which the shipwrecked
company were, and every one had to draw lots to decide who should be
employers and who domestics, there would be some well educated and some
very ignorant persons put together in the class of domestics. In this
case I should much prefer to hire a well educated person, for I should
expect that such a one would be far more likely to have respectful and
courteous manners, and that she would conform to the duties of her lot
with far more propriety than an ignorant and vulgar person.
I hope, therefore, that you will improve every opportunity you can
gain to read and study, and I would advise you also to notice how
well educated persons pronounce, and try to acquire a similar way of
speaking.
In selecting books to read, get some judicious friend to choose for
you, and in studying, never be so foolish as to study French, or Latin,
or try to play the piano, or any such accomplishment, which is suitable
only for persons who have wealth and leisure.
By following this advice about your manners, dress and language, and
by faithfully endeavouring to perform all your duties to God and
your fellow creatures, you will find, that every day, you will gain
in the esteem and good will of all around you, and that few will be
found with that silly pride which will make them shun your society
because you are a domestic. On the contrary, your employers and their
children, will love and respect you, and be pleased to procure for you
all the comforts and advantages they can secure, consistently with the
convenience and prosperity of the family.
LETTER XIII.
Trials of domestics and remedy for these trials. Fault-finding.
Want of comforts and conveniences, &c.
My Friends:
Every situation in life has its peculiar trials, and it is wise
beforehand, to understand what our trials must be, and what is the
best way of meeting them. God did not put us into this world to find
enjoyment by gratifying all our desires, but he intended that we should
_form such a character_, as will enable us to _feel happy_ in giving up
our will and wishes to him and to others, whenever it is needful.
Those, therefore, are not the most fortunate, who have the fewest
trials to meet, but those rather, who best learn to be patient and
cheerful, whatever may be their lot, or the trials which it involves.
Many are apt to suppose, that when people have beautiful houses, and
fine clothes, and a plenty of money, and opportunities to read, and
visit, and see the world, that they must be happy. But the most
miserable persons I have known, were persons who had all these things;
while some of the happiest persons I ever saw, were those whom the
world call poor, and who had none of these advantages.
The rich have as many wishes and wants ungratified as the poor, for
the more they get the more they want. At the same time, as they
often have nothing to do but to amuse and gratify themselves, they
are not so likely to form those habits of self-denial, patience, and
benevolence, which are the true source of enjoyment. This is the
reason why the Saviour says, “How hardly shall they that have riches,
enter the kingdom of Heaven.” The kingdom of Heaven consists, not in
meat and drink and costly raiment, nor in any earthly goods, but in
“_righteousness and peace_.” And this righteousness and peace are much
more easily found in humble life, than among the rich, the proud and
the gay. It is true that it is a blessing to be rich, if we only use
riches in the proper way. But riches bring such temptations, that few
have strength and wisdom sufficient to stand, so that it is often that
riches are a curse rather than a blessing.
Why is it so common to see the children of rich parents growing poor
and vicious, while the children of the poor grow up industrious,
virtuous and rich? It is because the children of the rich are brought
up in ease and indulgence, while the children of the poor are brought
up to industry and self-denial. If any person will count up the rich
men in our country, he will find, that not one in ten had rich parents.
And then if he will look at the descendants of rich families he will
find, that probably more than half are very poor, and a great many are
miserable vagabonds in society.
I mention these things to lead you to realize, that your happiness
in this life consists not in being rich, or well dressed, or in any
outward advantage, but rather _in such a character_ as enables you to
meet the duties and trials of your lot with patient cheerfulness, and
faithful diligence.
I will now mention some of the trials which domestics are most
frequently called to endure, and point out the proper way of meeting
them.
One of the greatest and most frequent trials of domestics is, the
_fault-finding_ to which they are constantly exposed. Now, whether
a person deserves to be blamed or not, this is a great trial to the
patience. If we are to blame, we not only are pained to see the
mischief we have done, but we are pained to be reproached by others,
and at the same time to feel that it is indeed our own fault, and
that we deserve it. If we are not to blame, it seems very hard to be
upbraided, but in many cases this is not half so hard to bear, as to be
blamed when we know we deserve it.
Now there are two dangers to which we are exposed from this cause. If
we live with a person who finds fault a great deal, the first danger
is, that we shall grow sullen, or irritable, and then show a bad
temper, by disrespectful and angry words and deportment. The other
danger is, that we shall become so used to it as not to care any thing
about it. I have seen the children and domestics of women who find
fault a great deal, look and act as if they did not care one cent about
what was said to them, and sometimes they look as if they were more
amused than pained at the anger and impatience displayed by those who
rule over them.
Now, it is our duty, if we really have by forgetfulness, or ignorance,
neglected or illy performed our duty, not only to be sorry, but to
show those whom we have thus troubled, that we feel sorry. Nothing
so soon ends such troubles, as for the person who has done wrong to
appear as if she was really sorry for it. Whenever therefore you have
your mistakes or faults pointed out, do not seek to justify yourself,
and do not, if possible, show any anger. If you feel irritated, do not
speak till you can speak without anger, and then say, “I am sorry,”
or something else of the kind, that shows regret on your part for the
trouble you have caused. After you have said this, then is the proper
time to tell your excuses. If you begin to justify or excuse _before_
you have expressed any regret, in nine cases out of ten, it does
more harm than good. Another thing will very much aid you in bearing
this evil, and that is, trying to imagine yourself in the situation
of the one you have displeased, and thinking whether you should do
any differently yourself. How do you behave when you depend on some
child or companion to do something, and by ignorance or carelessness
the thing is left undone or is spoilt? Do you shut up your mouth and
utter not a word of complaint, or fault-finding? Try for one week to
go without finding fault with any body, or any thing that crosses your
plans or wishes, and see how hard it is to refrain!
Now a housekeeper is constantly having things done wrong, or not done
at all, which she feels anxious to have accomplished properly, and it
is one of the most difficult duties in the world to bear silently and
patiently all these vexations and disappointments. You should therefore
try to feel kindly for these troubles of your employer, and when you
see her patience fails, think how many cares and perplexities she
meets, and how difficult you would find it, if you were in her place,
to bear them patiently.
There is another thing you must consider, and that is, that many women
think it is _their duty_ always to tell the persons whom they employ
whenever they do wrong, and they do not suppose that it is wrong to
show anger and impatience at such trials. At least, they talk as if it
was right for them to manifest anger and impatience, if there is just
cause for displeasure.
Very few persons are aware how much better it is not to speak at all,
when they are angry, and how much more good it does to talk with
children and domestics about their faults or mistakes, in a kind way,
when neither side feels out of humour. There are a great many women
who would be more considerate and careful in this matter, if they only
supposed it was their duty so to do. And here you should inquire of
yourselves too, “Do I feel it to be a duty not to complain, or find
fault when I feel angry? Can I command my temper and tongue so as not
to reply in angry and disrespectful tones when others blame me? Do I
set a guard on my lips, that I sin not with my tongue? Do I every day
pray to God to enable me to be patient at the faults of others, and
meek in receiving rebuke for my own? Do I, when I have sinned by angry
tones and language, confess my sin to Christ, and ask for his strength
to enable me to follow his example of meekness and patience?” Let any
of us try ourselves with these questions, and we shall be much more
meek and patient, when hearing the complaints or upbraidings of those
whom we have troubled.
There is another method, which, in many cases, will be of great
service. Many amiable and excellent women, really do not know how much
they do find fault, nor how severe and unpleasant are their tones and
manner. If, therefore, you find yourself very much tried in this way,
seek some opportunity of conversing with your employer, when both feel
kindly to each other. And then, in a respectful manner tell her, that
if she will not find fault quite so often, or will tell your faults to
you, at times when neither you or she feel disturbed in mind, that it
will be a great deal pleasanter to you to serve her, and that you shall
be much more likely to try to do your duties well. Such a measure as
this, will be far better than to speak out your mind at times when she
is reproving you, when both feel angry or impatient. I think a time
will come, when both parents and employers will feel it to be a duty to
refrain from finding fault when they are angry, and make it an object
to wait, until by calm reflection they can say the most judicious
things in the most judicious manner. And if you wish to have this
period arrive, remember you can do something towards hastening it, by
trying to form such a habit yourself. And then, if you ever become the
employer of a domestic, you will be prepared for this most important
part of your duty.
Another trial, to which domestics are exposed, is a neglect of their
comfort and convenience by their employers.
Sometimes domestics have not comfortable rooms and beds; sometimes, the
proper conveniences for work are not provided; sometimes they have so
much required that they have not time for rest, and for taking care of
their clothes; sometimes they are obliged to leave their meals before
they have done, to wait on the family; sometimes the children of the
family vex and incommode them; sometimes they are treated harshly and
rudely; sometimes the mistress of the family does not know how to plan
work, and more is exacted than they can perform, or needless trouble
and work are caused. Now there are two ways of preventing these evils,
to a certain extent. One is, by making proper terms with an employer
beforehand. It is a good plan for a domestic, always to inquire of an
employer, _before she agrees to come_, respecting all these matters.
It is always proper, to inquire about the conveniences in the kitchen,
and to ask how much time you probably can have to do your own sewing,
and whether you shall be allowed to sit undisturbed at your meals, and
whether you shall be allowed to send the children out of the kitchen
when they trouble you, and finally, to find out as much as you can
beforehand, as to the kind of work that will be expected. Let these
things all be talked over and understood beforehand, and many occasions
for hard feeling and discontent will be saved on both sides.
After you come into a family, you will, in most cases, find some
inconveniences and annoyances that you did not expect. In such cases,
do not be angry or out of patience, but bear them quietly, till
you have a good chance to talk with your employer about them. Then
simply state the trouble you experience, and if it can be remedied
consistently, she probably will do it, and if it cannot, then make
up your mind to bear it patiently and good humouredly. I have seen
domestics go on, day after day, complaining and fretting about
troubles, that often would be entirely removed, if they would go, in a
pleasant and respectful way, to their employers and state their wishes.
It is always best to take it for granted, that your employers are kind
and reasonable people, for if they are not, it is the surest way to
lead them to become so.
A keeper of a prison once asked a man who had been removed from his
care to another prison, what the reason was that he behaved so much
better with his new keeper. His reply was, “He treats me like a man,
and so I behave like a man; but you treated me like a dog, and so I
behaved like a dog.”
Now this prisoner was a fair picture of us all in this respect. If
people treat us as if they think that we wish and intend to do all
that is generous and right, it is a strong influence to lead us to
do so. But if we are treated as if it was expected that we should act
unreasonably and wrong, it is a strong temptation to lead us to do so.
And this anecdote contains a very important truth, that it would be
wise for domestics, as well as employers, to bear in mind.
There is another trial that domestics often feel, which I have before
alluded to. It is the fact that they are called “servants,” and are
liable to be treated with disrespect or contempt, by persons who fancy
themselves a little above them in rank. But my friends, this is a
trouble which all classes have to experience, and some almost or quite
as much as you. The mechanic’s daughter, or the sempstress, may call
you servants, and feel above you, but some rich men’s daughters call
them “only mechanics’ daughters,” or “only sempstresses,” and feel as
much above them. And these rich men’s daughters find persons who will
call them “_vulgar rich folks_,” and feel very much above them, because
they themselves have some advantages of family or education, that those
they look down upon do not possess. We find that it is common to call
persons who have wealth and education, “_ladies_,” and persons who have
no education, and labour for a support, “_women_.” And if a person who
considered herself among the first, should hear a person say, “there
is a _woman_ in the parlour,” instead of saying, “there is a _lady_ in
the parlour,” she would in some cases feel offended. What is the reason
of this? She _is_ a woman, why is she not pleased to be called so? Why
simply because persons whom she regards as below herself are so called.
Now this is exactly the case with you. You do not like to be called by
the same name as is given to slaves in this land, and to the degraded
servants of other countries. And it is probable every body would have
something of this feeling, and therefore every well-bred person, who
knew, that this name of servant was disagreeable to you, would not use
it, unless from long habit it was difficult to remember to call you by
another name. But you must not allow yourselves to be offended because
people do not always know your feelings on this point, or do not always
remember to regard your wishes.
Try to be polite yourselves to the poor Africans whom you regard as
below you, and then you will find that you sometimes fail in this duty
yourselves, and will learn not to judge so severely of those who fail
towards you. True politeness and good breeding will lead every body to
avoid whatever needlessly troubles others, however humble in life.
On this point I have felt some perplexity myself. Probably if I were
in your place, I might not wish to be called _a servant_, just as many
persons I associate with, choose to be called “ladies” instead of
“women.”
As we must have _some_ name to give to persons in your station, I
have inquired what one is suitable. Now I cannot tell what would be
agreeable to you all. But I know what I should like myself. The word
_domus_ signifies _home_, which is one of the dearest and pleasantest
words in the world.
The word “domestic,” is made from this word _domus_, and it signifies,
one employed in doing the work at home, and therefore it has a very
pleasant idea connected with it. I cannot find any word in the
dictionary to use for this purpose, that I should like so much myself,
and therefore I have used the word in writing to you. But if there was
any other that I thought you would like better, I certainly would use
it.
But remember, my friends, that Jesus Christ, the Lord of Glory, “took
upon him the form of _a servant_,” and he it was that washed his
disciples’ feet, to show them that they must not feel above doing the
humblest of all duties. And the word “_minister_,” means the same as
“_servant_,” and this was the name taken by the Apostles of Christ.
And we shall never be fully prepared for Heaven, till we have that
humble spirit, which can be contented to see others raised above us,
and to take whatever name and place belongs to us. The Bible teaches,
that even in Heaven, there are different grades of intellect and
greatness, and this is the time of probation, when we are to learn that
submissive and humble spirit, which will prepare us to go to a world,
where forever, there must be many far above us in knowledge, honour and
power. Do not therefore indulge such feelings of pride about the name,
and duties of your station, but honour yourselves by walking in the
footsteps of Jesus Christ.
In regard to all the trials that are to be met in your situation
in life, it is wisest to look at the matter in this light. There
is no situation where you can go, in which you will not find some
disagreeable things to try your patience, and tempt you to complain and
be discontented. Therefore, it is best to make up your mind, that you
will first do all you can to remedy what troubles you meet, and after
that, determine to be quiet and content with your lot.