much for your interest to stay in one place and become interested in
the family, and to make them all feel that you are a steady, and tried,
and faithful friend. I know many domestics, who have become so much
attached to the family where they have long lived, that no money would
tempt them to leave. They seem to feel that all that interests the
family belongs to them. They share the joys, the sorrows, and the hopes
of the family, and are loved and trusted by all, as kind and faithful
friends, while every thing reasonable is done to make them comfortable
and contented.
And I would advise every domestic to seek a place where she will be
willing to stay _for life_, if she does not get a home of her own.
And when she has found such a place, she should try, by her faithful
services, and affectionate kindness, to make herself so necessary to
the comfort of the family, that they will all feel that they cannot
part with her, and will do all in their power to make her comfortable
and happy.
There is one word of advice I would offer to domestics who do change
their places, and that is, never to retail the private concerns of the
family they leave. A great deal of trouble and ill will in society, is
made by the scandal that is propagated by domestics, who go from one
family to another. This ought not so to be. We have no right to talk
about the faults of other persons, unless we can do some good by it.
This the golden rule forbids; for we know we should not be willing to
have our faults retailed about and talked over to strangers, and what
we are not willing to have done to us, we should not do to others.
I beseech you, therefore, to make it a rule never to retail the faults
of those with whom you have lived. And if you find persons questioning
you, to find out matters relating to the family in which you have
worked, just tell them that you do not think it is right to speak of
the faults of those with whom you have lived. Do this, and every body
will respect you for your sense of propriety, and feel reproved if they
have tempted you, by questions, to so ungenerous and wrong a course.
The only case when it would be right to tell the faults of those you
have lived with, is when a person comes to you for information and
advice about going to live in that place. In this case, it would be
proper to let them know both the good and the evil of the situation
they inquire about.
There is one frequent cause of difficulty between employers and
domestics, that ought to be taken care of, when first making an
agreement. Employers always wish to _hire the time_ of domestics,
instead of hiring them to do some particular parts of family work.—But
some domestics feel that they are hired to do some particular part
of the work, and when this is done, that their time is their own. Now
this matter ought to be understood beforehand, for all employers would
prefer to _hire the time_, even if they have to pay more wages. It is a
great inconvenience to have domestics who feel that their time is their
own, except when they are doing certain jobs they agreed to do. It is
much the best for the comfort of a family, to have domestics who can be
called on to help whenever they are needed. Of course there must be an
understanding, in such cases, that domestics shall have time enough to
do their own sewing and mending, and also for meetings and visiting to
a suitable extent. All these things should be talked over beforehand,
and it will save much trouble.
LETTER XIV.
ON ECONOMY.
Economy a duty of all. Modes of economizing.
My Friends:
It is the duty of all persons, in every station of life, to practise
that economy, which saves from waste, all the bounties of Providence,
and which contrives to make every thing useful last as long as
possible. The rich have a right to buy more expensive, and more
numerous articles, than the poor, but they have no right to waste _any
thing_; for what they do not use themselves they should save for the
comfort and enjoyment of others.
And I think, generally, persons who are well off in the world,
economize much better than the poor; because they have more knowledge
to aid them in the choice and use of articles. And I think that persons
who go to service, often practise very little good economy.
I will point out some of the ways in which they waste much money. In
the first place, they do not buy suitable dresses to work in. Dresses
for work ought to be very strong and of fast colours, so that a working
frock may last a great while, and yet retain a good colour. Now instead
of this, they often buy common cheap calicoes, which cost as much time
and money to have made up as any, and yet in a few weeks the colours
will be washed out, and the stuff also soon be gone.
In buying a working dress, look for strong articles, which are of a
dark colour and which will not fade badly.
In purchasing articles for dresses to wear to church, or for visiting,
do not get light and expensive silks which soon soil, and become
useless. In choosing a silk dress, especially a black one, which is apt
to be injured by the dye, get several samples first. Then take these
pieces and double them up and rub the edges of the creases against a
carpet. You will find that some wear off much sooner than the rest, and
the one that bears this trial best, will wear the longest.
You may be sure that every person of good taste and good judgment will
admire and respect you a great deal more, if you dress neat and plain,
than if you put on fine and showy articles, that are suitable only for
persons who have wealth. It is only persons of weak minds, or great
ignorance of propriety, who would admire such extravagant and showy
articles, as I am sorry to see, often worn by persons who earn a dollar
or two a week by the labour of their hands.
There is often much want of economy too, in regard to the making and
mending of dresses. It is no difficult matter to learn to make a frock,
and it saves a great deal of expense. To do this, get a mantuamaker to
fit and baste a frock for you, and _not to sew it_. Then take this,
and first rip out a sleeve, and iron it out, and cut out a newspaper
pattern of it. Then baste up the sleeve and fit it just as it was
before, except do not set it into the arm-hole.
Then rip out one half the back, and one half the fore body, iron them
out, and cut out patterns. If the fore body has the outside gathered
or pleated on to the lining, cut out a pattern, both of the outside
and lining. Notice how deep the seams are, and prick them into the
pattern, or make a crease to show where they should be. Restore the
back and fore body to their places, and baste in the sleeve. Then take
some cheap stuff, and cut out the sleeves and waist by these patterns,
and fit them like the dress you are imitating, and make the skirt by
the pattern also.
After this, you will find little trouble in making another dress by
these patterns.
When sleeves begin to wear out, they are made to last much longer, by
ripping out and changing them. So the skirt of a silk frock, will last
much longer by ripping it from the waist, and moving it so that the
front breadth goes to one side, and the places of all the breadths are
changed. In doing this, the slit behind must be sewed up, and a new one
made.
For under garments, buy unbleached cotton, which will gradually whiten,
and lasts a quarter longer than the whitened. The best petticoats, for
winter, are made by taking two old dresses and making a quilt. Never
buy white flannel for common wear, unless you mean to colour it. This
you can do very easily thus.
Take a pound of cheap black tea, and a bit of copperas as big as a
large hen’s egg. Put them to two gallons of water, and boil them three
quarters of an hour in an iron kettle. Then strain it off, and clean
the kettle thoroughly. Then put the strained dye into it again, and
after wetting the flannel in warm water, put it in and boil it fifteen
minutes, lifting it up and stirring it often. Then rinse it several
times in cold water, and it will be a dark lead colour. You can make
a dove colour by adding water to this dye. Home-made flannel coloured
thus, is good for under petticoats. Cotton and woollen stockings,
coloured thus, are good for common wear. I advise you to knit coarse
cotton for common wear in summer and woollen for winter. Coarse knit
stockings last four times as long as any you can buy, and this saves
much mending. When stockings are worn in the feet, they can be cut down
and made over. Strong double-soled shoes should be worn, except in warm
weather, and if you will be careful to change your shoes often, so as
not to wear them long on the same foot, they will last much longer.
It is a good plan to have a particular evening every week for taking
care of your clothes.
Those who cook would do well to wear either a cap, or a square muslin
handkerchief, put on for a turban, while cooking. The neatest persons
in the world are liable to have hairs and dandruff fall from their
heads, and this is the only sure way to keep such disgusting matters
out of the food.
I think it probable that some of you for whom I write, will not like
the advice I give about the quality of your dress. But I can assure you
it is what I should do myself were I under the necessity of labouring
for a support. And if I had a sister, or any friend in your situation,
I should wish to have her follow this course. _Good taste_ in dress is
shown by accommodating our style of dress to our income, and when a
domestic, who has not a hundred dollars a year, dresses like persons
who have large incomes, every sensible and judicious person thinks it
is foolish and in very bad taste.
Moreover, by using strong and durable articles you save money that you
can lay up to provide for your wants, if you should have a family of
your own, or if you should be sick or aged, and unabled to work.
Besides all this, it is the duty of _every person_ to give something of
their possessions to promote the comfort and welfare of others.
When our Saviour saw a poor widow casting two mites into the treasury
which was to support religion, he commended her, even though it was the
whole of her living.
The reason of this was that _a benevolent spirit_ is of more value to
us than treasures of silver and gold, and none are so poor as not to
need to cultivate this spirit. Now a person who spends all she gets on
herself, loses one chance to cultivate this generous and benevolent
spirit, which is so precious in God’s sight, and so needful to our own
best good.
I hope, therefore, you will feel a pleasure in economizing, that you
may thus increase your means, not only of providing for your own future
independence and comfort, but also that you may have something to give
to relieve many, who are suffering for the want of the comforts of this
life, and still more for want of good hope of a better life to come.
Give _something_ then, every year, to promote both the temporal and
spiritual good of your fellow creatures, and thus also secure the great
benefit to yourself, which results from the exercise of a generous and
benevolent spirit.
LETTER XV.
ON THE CARE OF CHILDREN.
Patience very needful. Offering rewards. Never shame children
for their faults. Never deceive them. Set an example of honesty
and modesty.
My Friends:
I wish you could realize the great influence which you always must
exert over the character and welfare of children, for then what I am
now going to write, would secure a deep interest in your minds.
Children are creatures of imitation and sympathy, and they always feel
and act very much as those do about them. Thus they are daily forming
their tastes, habits and character from the pattern of those who are
most with them. And their happiness, for time and eternity, is decided
by the good or evil that thus surrounds them.
Almost all domestics have more or less to do with the children of a
family, so that though what I write is most important to those who
nurse and take care of children, it should be deeply pondered by all.
The greatest and most important requisite in all who have the care of
children is _patience_. Children have come into a world where every
thing is new to them—where they cannot understand the mischief they
make,—and more than all this, they are so thoughtless and forgetful,
that they cannot remember when they do discover what is dangerous or
wrong, as older minds can do.
Suppose you were suddenly put in a vast kitchen, with ten thousand new
utensils to work with, and new sorts of work to do, and all the time
in danger of doing something wrong—or forgetting something you were
told. You would feel puzzled, and sometimes out of patience, and you
would think it very hard if those who employed you had no patience,
and no sympathy for you, in such difficult circumstances. You would
think that you were more to be pitied than blamed, when you forgot, or
made mistakes. And if your employers spoke kindly to you, and always
seemed to feel for your difficulties, and to be patient with your
forgetfulness, you would find it much easier to do your duty.
Now children are in just such a situation. Just observe young children
for one day, and see how many times they have to be told that they are
doing wrong! Poor things!—they are ignorant, and forgetful, and have
a thousand things to learn and to remember. And they often are blamed
and found fault with for something every hour, and a great deal more
than grown persons could bear. Have patience with them, and as much as
possible keep from speaking in cross and angry tones.
I know persons who make it a rule never to speak cross to children.
Instead of this, they wait till their own feelings are calm, and then
kindly speak to them of their faults. And when they see a child doing
mischief, instead of calling out in sharp and angry tones, they go
up and take hold of the child and stop its mischief—or set it up in
a chair—and take care not to speak till it can be done in a calm and
gentle way. Children who are managed by such persons, have an example
of patience, gentleness and kindness before them that has a great
influence.
And when such persons tell children that they must not act angry and
speak cross, when any thing troubles them, it does far more good than
it could do, if they see their advisers set them an example just
contrary to their instructions.
One of the most successful ways of making children behave well is,
to keep them good natured and happy. Very often, when children feel
peevish, and when they get into contentions, some amusing story, or
play, will make them good natured, and then all will go smooth again.
Whereas, if those who take care of them fret at them, and tell them
they are naughty and disagreeable, it only adds to their trouble and
vexation, and makes them act worse rather than better. I have seen a
person taking care of children, manage in this way.
A little boy is out of humour—he goes sullenly about, and if any one
speaks to him answers in cross tones—and then he teazes some one—or
strikes, or kicks some one who teazes him.
The nurse sees that the difficulty is, that the child feels irritable
and unhappy, and that fault-finding will only make him feel worse. So
she goes and takes him in her lap, and says, “Come here, children, and
hear this story—or see this pretty thing—or hear me read something
pretty to you”—so she contrives to amuse them a few minutes till all
feel pleasant, and then she says to the offender, “Now, my dear little
boy, you have been feeling cross and unhappy and have done wrong, but
if you will try to be pleasant and speak kind for a whole hour, I will
do so and so;—and you other children too, must try to make your little
brother feel comfortable and happy, and not trouble him in any way.”
Try such a method, and you will find it much better than fretting at
the child yourself.
A person who takes care of children should _economize her favors and
kindnesses_, and keep them to use for such occasions. If there are
little enjoyments she can procure, or favours she can bestow, instead
of giving them without any effort to gain them by the children—she
should save them to use as rewards for their endeavours to be patient,
kind and obedient.
And in all the management of children, it should be a maxim to regulate
them by _love_ and _hope_, rather than by fault-finding and other
penalties.
If you tell a child “If you try to do so and so, you shall have such
an enjoyment,” then the child has something pleasant to think of
whenever he is tempted to do wrong, and he is _pleased_ in trying.
But if you tell him “If you do so and so, you shall be punished,” or
if he feels that he shall get a scolding if he does what he wants to
do—then there is nothing pleasant before the mind, while trying to do
right. He sees punishment coming if he does one way—and no good comes
if he does the other way, and so he has no pleasurable feeling at all
to lead him to do right. There are some faults that must be cured by
punishment, but these a parent must manage and not the domestics who
take care of children. Let me advise you then, to manage children as
much as possible by keeping them happy, and by offering them rewards
for efforts to be good.
And in offering these rewards, always have _some particular thing_
that the child can try to do or not to do. Do not tell the child, “If
you will _be good all day_ I will do so and so.” For “being good” is
so indefinite that the child cannot tell what he is to aim at.—But
tell a child, “Now if you will go a whole hour without speaking one
unkind word, or if you will do such and such a thing, you shall have
a favour,” and then the child has some definite thing to try to do.
And be careful not to have the time of trial too long, for an hour to
a child is as long as a day to older persons, and if you can get a
child to govern itself a short time, it is learning to do it easier and
longer the next time.
When children have faults _never try to shame them out of them_.
Nothing hardens a child so much as this practice. Telling other people
a child’s faults, for the purpose of curing the fault, is a sad, sad
mistake. Suppose, in order to cure you of some bad habit, your employer
should take visitors into the kitchen to shame you by telling them of
your faults. Do you think it would be a good way to cure you? Surely
not, and it is no better to treat children thus.
Instead of this, always treat children as if you thought they wished
and intended to do right, and when they do wrong show sympathy and
pity towards them, and try to conceal their faults from others as much
as you can. This will make children love you, and try the more to do
as you advise. When you have done wrong, if a person says, “It is
_always_ just so—I _always expect_ you will forget, and do the wrong
thing—I never can put any confidence in you”—does it not make you feel
_discouraged_, as if there was no use in trying, and as if you were
unjustly dealt with? But suppose your employer says, “Oh, I see you
forgot this thing—or did that thing wrong—but I suppose you did not
mean to. We all forget sometimes—I think you will remember better next
time.” Does not such treatment make you feel as if you should try not
to forget next time—far more than the first mode?
Take this same way with children. Always encourage them to try again,
and make all the allowances and excuses you can, and then they will
feel that you are sorry for them, and they will wish and intend to do
better next time.
And the worse children are, the more danger there is of their losing
all hope of improving, and all sense of shame, and all desire to gain
a good character. I have had young persons come to my care, who I saw
had acted so badly and been found fault with so much, that they did
not expect any thing else, and so they never tried. And when they
saw I expected that they would do well, and pitied or excused their
defects, and praised them for every thing that was at all commendable,
they began to grow encouraged. And finding how pleasant it was to be
praised, and to have some one that did not dislike them all the time
for doing wrong, they made very great exertions, till they really
became all that they saw I expected.
I have seen great changes made in very bad children, by merely stopping
finding fault, and encouraging and praising as much as truth would
allow. I advise you try the same method, when you have to deal with
very bad children. Stop finding fault; try to palliate and excuse as
much as you can; try to convince them, you feel kindly to them; try to
make them feel happy; act as if you expected they would try to do well;
and every chance you can find, when they do well, commend them for it,
and report their good conduct to their friends. Try this, and you will
often find it will work wonders in improving bad children.
Be very careful, in talking with children, never to set an example of
deceit. It often is as bad to deceive as it is to tell a direct lie,
and a deceitful character is one of the worst and most disagreeable.
For this reason _never deceive children in any way, or for any
purpose_—and always express disgust if you see any deceitful tricks in
them. Children soon learn to despise and dislike what others do, and if
deceit is always spoken of as hateful and mean, they soon learn to feel
so about it themselves.
Be careful to cherish feelings of strict honesty in children. Always
advise them to ask leave to use each other’s things, and talk to them
about the meanness and the danger of taking or using what belongs
to others without knowing that the owners are willing. Remember that
“_stealing, is using what belongs to others, without proper evidence
that the owner is willing_.” And the evil is not so much in the thing
done, as in the want of an honest character in the person who does
it. And this want of honesty can be shown, as much in little matters
as it is in great ones. If a child sees you go and get a needle, or
thread, or a bit of tape from its mother’s work basket, and knows
that its mother would not be willing, your example leads it to steal
also.—Remember these things, and beware lest you are the guilty cause
of training children to deceit and dishonesty.
Always endeavour to make young children modest and delicate. Avoid
vulgar and indelicate words and actions, and express great disgust when
you see or hear any thing immodest or indelicate in them. Nothing saves
children from future dangers so much as great care in this respect.
Try to cultivate in children a habit of _industry_. This is a great
preservative from bad tempers, and from mischief. Children love to
be active, and they can easily be induced to be useful in one way or
another. Try to contrive useful employment for them, and if you cannot
secure it any other way, offer some reward for their services. But
always try first, to get them to do useful things, for the pleasure of
helping others, and of thus doing good. A great deal can be done in
this way by trying, and thus you are helping to form habits both of
industry and benevolence.
Never allow yourselves to tell young children frightful stories.
Sometimes children suffer agonies of fear, from having their
imaginations filled with frightful images, that haunt them in the dark,
or when they go to bed. When I was very young I was told by a young
girl, who did not like to stay by me, that if I cried, or made any
noise, the “_bull beggars_” would come down the chimney and carry me
off. And many a night I lay with my head covered up, sweating with fear
and distress that I shall never forget. Probably there is no distress
of childhood so great as that of _fear_, and domestics should be very
careful not to excite it, and should be patient and kind to little
children when they suffer from it.
Another thing I hope you will avoid, and that is, giving children good
things to eat in order to coax or reward them. Remember that every
time any thing is put into the stomach, all its muscles begin to work
in moving it about, for an hour or two; for the stomach, in digesting
food, works as hard as the hands work in kneading bread. The stomach
needs time to rest after this effort, and children ought never to eat
more than once between meals, and then they ought to have bread, or
some other simple food.
Those, therefore, who give them cake, or candy, or nuts, and allow them
to keep eating them every time they like, take a course which, unless
the stomach is very strong, is sure to weaken and injure it. When
children have nuts, apples, candy, or cakes, persuade them to eat them,
either at their meals as a part, or else half way between a meal as a
luncheon, and do not let them keep nibbling and tasting through several
successive hours, thus keeping the stomach all the time labouring, and
wearing out its strength.
LETTER XVI.
ON COOKING.
My Friends:
There are plenty of receipt books in this country, that direct as to
the kind of ingredients for food, and as to the proper quantities; but
no knowledge of receipts can ever make a good cook.