HOW NOBBY CAME TO SLEEP UPON MY BED, AND BERRY FELL AMONG THIEVES.
Thoughtfully I read the letter again.
_... It nearly breaks my heart to say so, but I've got to part with
Nobby. I'm going to India to join Richard, you know, and I'm sailing
next week. I think you'd get on together. He's a one-man dog and a bit
queer-tempered with strangers--all Sealyhams are. But he's a good little
chap--very sporting, very healthy, and a real beauty. Let me know one
way or the other, and, if you'd like to have him, I'll send him round
with his licence and pedigree._
_Yours very sincerely,_
_JOSEPHINE CHILDE._
_P.S.--He's always slept on my bed._
The letter had been forwarded to me from London, for I was spending the
week-end in Leicestershire with the Scarlets.
I looked across the flagged hall to my host, who was leaning against a
table with a hunting horn in each hand, listening critically to the
noise he was making, and endeavouring to decide upon which of the two
instruments he could wind the most inspiring call.
"Live and let live," said I. With a grin Bertram suspended his
operations. "Listen. I've been offered a Sealyham."
"Take him," was the reply. "Your guests will regret it, but you won't.
They're high-spirited and they're always full of beans. Hard as nails,
too," he added. "You'll never kill him. Tell me." He brandished the horn
which he held in his right hand. "Don't you think this sounds the best?"
With an effort he produced a most distressing sound. "Or this?" Putting
the other to his lips, he emitted a precisely similar note.
"There's no difference at all," said I, crossing to a bureau. "They're
equally painful. They do it rather better at level-crossings on the
Continent."
"It is patent," said Bertram, "that you have no ear for music."
"All right," said I, making ready to write. "You try it. The hounds'll
all sit up and beg or something. I suppose it's too much to expect to
find a pen that'll write here," I added, regarding uneasily the enormous
quill with which the bureau was decorated.
"That's a jolly good pen," said Bertram indignantly. "Every one says
so."
I grunted my disbelief.
"Which end shall I use?"
"I recommend the right one," rejoined my host with ponderous sarcasm.
"But, as I have yet to meet any one who can read your writing, I don't
suppose it matters."
"I have often deplored the company you keep," said I, and with that I
selected a large sheet of paper and wrote as follows--
_DEAR MISS CHILDE,_
_I'd like to have Nobby very much. I'm awfully sorry for you, but I'll
be very kind to him for both your sakes. The reference you give him is
most satisfactory. I suppose he'll want one evening a week and every
other Sunday. And will he do in the front steps and spoil the knives? Or
only ruin the boots? I beg your pardon. For the moment I was thinking of
the cook who nearly engaged us. Only she wanted a pension after six
months' service. It was very nice of you to think of me. I'll write you
a proper letter when I send you a receipt. I return to Town to-morrow._
_Yours very sincerely,_
....
_P.S.--He shall always sleep on mine._
As I was addressing the envelope, the butler entered the hall. I gave
him the letter, and he promised to see that it was dispatched that day.
A knowledge of Bertram's household suggested this precaution.
* * * * *
As I had told Miss Childe, on the following day I returned to Town. It
was the last Monday but one before Christmas, and Jonah's birthday. To
do the latter honour, we were to dine all together at Claridge's and go
on to an entertainment, presented in a house in which smoking was
permitted, and of such a nature that you gained rather than lost by
arriving late.
I reached home with sufficient time only to bathe and dress, and it was
not until we were half-way through dinner that I learned that my letter
to Miss Childe had borne immediate fruit.
"By the way," said Daphne suddenly; "did the servants give you that
message from Josephine Childe?" I shook my head. "It was down on the
telephone block, but I suppose you were too hurried to look at that.
'Miss Childe's compliments, and Nobby will be round this evening.'"
Hardly I suppressed an exclamation. "We're all mad to know what it
means. Berry scents an intrigue and says it's a cipher."
"Worse," said I. "It's a dog."
"A dog?" cried Daphne and Jill together.
"A dog. You know. A small quadruped. Something like a cat, only with
hair."
"I know," said Berry excitedly. "I know. I've seen pictures of them."
"Fools. Both of you," said my sister. "What's she giving you a dog for?"
I explained the nature of the transaction.
"I have every reason to believe," I concluded, "that he will become one
of us."
The others exchanged meaning looks.
"Is he any particular breed?" said Berry. "Or just a pot-pourri?"
I braced myself with a draught of champagne before replying. Then--
"He's a Sealyham," I said.
Uprose a damnatory chorus.
"I do hereby protest," said Berry. "A barbarous breed, notorious for its
unprovoked ferocity. Peaceable possession of our tenement will be
unknown. Ingress and egress will be denied us. Substantial compensation
will be an everyday affair. Any more for the Pasteur Institute?"
"Rot," said I. "You're jealous."
"They've awfully uncertain tempers," said Daphne. "Maisie Dukedom had
one, and it went down and bit a new cook, who'd just come, before she'd
got her things off. They had to give her five pounds, put her up at an
hotel for the night, and pay her fare back to Bristol. And she had
wonderful references."
"Instinct," said I. "The dog saw through her. They ought to have been
grateful."
"Truth is," said Jonah, "they're a bit too sporting for London."
"Look here," said I, consulting my watch. "At the present moment the
poor little dog is probably fretting his soul out in the servants' hall.
So we'll have to keep him to-night. If he's the ravening beast you say
he is, he shall be fired to-morrow. If not, I shall stick to him. That's
fair enough, isn't it?"
"He's going to be a darling," said Jill. "I'm sure of it."
Before we left for the theatre, I telephoned home and spoke to the
butler.
"Is that you, Falcon?"
"It is, sir."
"Any dogs come for me?"
"Only one, sir."
"Is he all right?"
"Seems a little unsettled, sir, and--er--suspicious. He was rather short
with Fitch sir, when he come in, but he had his leggin's on, sir, so
there's no 'arm done. He's all right with me, sir."
I thought of the Dukedoms' cook and moistened my lips.
"See that he has a run on the lead before you go to bed," I said as
nonchalantly as possible, "and then put him upstairs on my bed."
"Very good, sir."
I returned to the lounge.
"Has the little bit of Heaven arrived?" said Berry
I nodded.
"Casualties?"
"Nil," said I. "Everything in the garden is lovely."
"No doubt," said Berry. "And the servants' hall? I suppose that's a
shambles."
"Don't be silly," said I. "He's as good as gold."
"There you are," said Jill staunchly.
"Cupboard love," said Berry. "You wait till we come in. I shouldn't be
surprised if he concentrated on me. They always aim high. It will be
your duty," he added, turning to Daphne, "to suck the wound. That is a
wife's privilege."
"The best thing," said Jonah, "is to hold a cigarette-end to the place."
"I beg your pardon," said Berry.
"Well, an iron takes such a time to heat."
In a voice shaken with emotion my brother-in-law stated that he should
regard any such treatment as a treacherous and aggravated assault upon
his person.
"Don't let there be any mistake about it," he concluded. "I'm not going
to have any amateur life-savers burning holes in my body in the hope of
being recommended by the Coroner's Jury. If I've got to die, I'll just
go mad in the ordinary way, thank you. I wonder who I shall bite first,"
he added pleasantly.
"Don't you worry," said I. "Think what hydrophobia means."
"What does it mean?"--suspiciously.
"A horror of water," said I. "You must have had it for years."
* * * * *
We left the theatre about eleven o'clock.
We had just come in, and I was disrobing in the hall--Berry was speaking
to the chauffeur--when an exclamation from Jill, who was on the point of
following Daphne and Jonah into the library, made me look round.
On the top step of the first flight of stairs stood a little white dog,
regarding us squarely. He might have been painted by Maud Earl. His ears
were pricked, his little forefeet placed close together, his tail was
upright. A gas officer would have said that he was "in the alert
position."
"Hello, Nobby," said I. "How goes it?"
At the sound of his name the terrier put his small head on one side with
an air of curiosity as evident as it was attractive.
"What a darling!" cried Jill.
As she spoke I heard a latch-key inserted, and the next moment Berry
pushed open the door.
Breathing out threatenings, the darling streaked down the stairs and
across the hall to the new-comer's feet, where he stood with his back
arched, one fore-paw raised, and bared teeth, emitting a long low snarl,
while there was a look in the bright brown eyes which there was no
mistaking.
My brother-in-law stood as if rooted to the spot.
Jill began to shake with laughter.
"What did I say?" said Berry, remaining motionless. "Can't enter my own
house now. It's all right, old chap," he added, gazing at Nobby with a
winning smile. "I belong here."
His statement was not accepted. Nobby, who was clearly taking no risks,
replied with a growl charged with such malevolence that I thought it
advisable to interfere.
I addressed myself to the terrier.
"Good man," I said reassuringly, patting Berry upon the shoulder.
Jonah contends that the dog construed my movement as an attempted
assault, which it was his duty to abet. In any event, in less time than
it takes to record, the growl culminated in that vicious flurry which
invariably accompanies the closing of jaws, there was a noise of torn
cloth, and with a yell Berry leapt for and reached the bookcase to which
he adhered, clinging rather than perched, after the manner of a startled
ape.
A roar of laughter from me and long, tremulous wails of merriment from
Jill brought my sister and Jonah pellmell upon a never-to-be-forgotten
scene.
The four of us huddled together, helpless with mirth, while Berry,
calling upon Sirius, clung desperately to the bookcase, and Nobby,
clearly interpreting our merriment as applause, stood immediately below
his victim, panting a little with excitement and wagging his tail
tentatively.
"After all," said my brother-in-law, "what is Death? A b-b-bagatelle.
Excelsior. Of course, I ought to have a banner, really. Just to wave as
I fall. Two and a half guineas these trousers cost. Think of the dogs
you could get for that. Excelsior. Seriously, I should get him a set of
false teeth and keep them locked up. It'll save in the end. Yes, I know
it's side-splitting. I'm only sorry I haven't got a tail. Then I could
hang from the electric light. As it is, what about calling off the dog?
Not that I'm not comfortable. And the air up here's lovely. But----"
With an effort I pulled myself together and laid a hand on Jill's
shoulder.
"Here," I said, nodding in Berry's direction, "here we have the
Flat-footed Baboon, an animal of diverting but vulgar habits. That
between its eyes is its nose. The only other known specimen is at
Dartmoor."
"D'you mind not talking?" said Berry. "I'm just thinking out your death.
They say pressing is very painful. Or would you rather call off the
mammal?"
I picked up Nobby and put him under my arm.
"You know, you're a wicked dog," said I.
For a moment his bright brown eyes met mine. Then with a sudden movement
he put up a cold black nose and licked my face....
Before we retired that night, Berry had admitted that Nobby had his
points, Nobby had accepted from Berry a caviare sandwich, and I had
handed my brother-in-law a cheque for two pounds twelve shillings and
sixpence.
* * * * *
It had been arranged that we should spend Christmas with the St. Martins
in Wiltshire, and we were to make the journey on the twenty-third. High
festival was to be held at Red Abbey, a fine old place with mullioned
windows and a great panelled hall that smacked of revelry and Christmas
cheer even in summertime. On Christmas Eve there was to be a dance, on
Boxing Day a tenants' ball, and on Christmas Day itself the house-party
of twenty souls was to assemble for dinner correctly attired after the
manner of children of tender years.
So far as clothes could do it, the spirit of childhood was to be
recaptured that night. Guests had been put upon their honour to eschew
evasion. Kilts and sailor suits had been forbidden, as was any suit or
frock which was not the monopoly of juveniles. Hair was to be worn down,
monocles and jewellery were banned. The trappings of Dignity were to be
rigidly put off, and Innocence courted with appropriate mockery. The
composition of the house-party, which had been carefully chosen,
promised an entertainment of more than ordinary interest.
On all three evenings dance music was to be discoursed by a famous
coloured band, whose services had long ago been retained for the
occasion.
A long-standing engagement made it impossible for Berry to accompany us
from London. On Tuesday he must leave Town for Hampshire, but
time-tables were consulted, and it was discovered that he could travel
across country on Christmas Eve, and, by changing from one station to
the other at the market town of Flail, arrive at Red Abbey in time for
tea.
"We can take your luggage with us," said Daphne. "You've got all you'll
want for the night at White Ladies."
It was half-past nine o'clock, and we were all in the library, resting
after the labours of the day.
Berry from the depths of the sofa grunted an assent.
"All the same," he added, "I must take something. Beard-eraser, for
instance, and a clean neckerchief. Same as when you enlist."
"Everything you can possibly want's there already. Mrs. Foreland knows
you're coming, and she'll put everything out."
"I have a weakness," replied her husband, "for my own sponge. Moreover,
foolhardy as it may seem, I still clean my teeth. The only question is,
what to put them in."
"What's the matter with your pockets?" said I.
"Nothing at present," said Berry. "That's why I shall want your
dispatch-case."
"Nothing doing," said I. "I refuse to subscribe to my own
inconvenience."
"Self," said Berry bitterly. "Why wasn't I born selfish? I've often
tried, but you can't bend an oak, can you? Anybody can have my shirt at
any time." Languidly he regarded his cuff. "No. Not this one, but almost
any other. My life has been one long unrecognized sacrifice. And what is
my reward?" He looked round about him with pitying eyes. "Poor bloated
worms, you little know the angel that labours in your midst." His own
being finished, with a sigh he took his wife's newly-lighted cigarette
from the ashtray which they were sharing. "I had a dream last night," he
added comfortably.
"What about?" said Jill.
"I dreamed," said Berry, "that I was a pint of of unusually broad beans.
Several people remarked upon my breadth. After spirited bidding, I was
secured by no less a personage than The McAroon himself, to whom I gave
violent indigestion within twenty-four hours. Pleased with this
attention, the laird erected in my memory a small bar at which the
rankest poison could be obtained at all hours by asking in Hebrew for
ginger ale. Which reminds me. I haven't taken my medicine." Meaningly he
regarded the tray which had just been placed upon a side-table. "The
doctor said I mustn't move about after meals, or I'd mix it myself. As
it is...."
He broke off and looked round expectantly.
"Idle brute," said Daphne. "I wonder you aren't afraid to----Where's my
cigarette? I only lighted one a moment ago."
"Perhaps it's behind your ear," suggested her husband. "Perhaps----"
"Where's the match you lighted that one from?" demanded his wife.
"Woman," said Berry indignantly, "you forget yourself. Besides, I didn't
use a match. I kindled it by rubbing two sticks together. Same as they
do in Guano, where the jelly comes from."
Here a diversion was caused by the opening of the door sufficiently to
admit a slightly damp white ball with a black spot, which projected
itself into the room as if possessed. Nobby. Exhilarated to frenzy by
the reflection that at least four days must elapse before any one could
be bothered to bathe him again, the terrier took a flying leap on to the
sofa, licked Daphne's face, put a foot in Berry's eye, barked, hurled
himself across the room to where Jonah was playing Patience, upset the
card-table, dashed three times round the room, pretended to unearth a
rat from the depths of Jill's chair, and finally flung himself exhausted
at my feet.
"I suppose this is what they call 'animal spirits,'" said Berry. "Or
'muscular Christianity.'"
"It is well known," said I, "that exercise after a bath is most
beneficial."
"No doubt," was the icy reply. "Well, next time I put my foot in your
eye, assume that I've had a bath and call it 'exercise,' will you?"
"Have you written to the St. Martins?" said Daphne, "to say that you'll
be a day late?"
"I have. The masterpiece is on the writing-table, awaiting insertion in
an envelope."
I picked up the letter and read aloud as follows--
_MADAM,_
_I am disposed to refer to your invitation to make one of the
house-party due to assemble on the 23rd instant._
_I am to say that a malignant Fate has decreed that I shall not dignify
your hovel before the evening of the following day._
_The feeling of profound disappointment which this announcement will
provoke should be tempered by the reflection that you are fortunate
indeed to have secured so enchanting a personality for your festivities,
which, however hopeless they may appear, cannot fail to be galvanized
into some show of life by my inspiring presence._
_My luggage and the four ungrateful parasites who have so long battened
upon my generosity will arrive on the 23rd, as arranged. One of the
latter has stealthily acquired a mongrel, which, provided he can obtain
the necessary permit, he proposes to bring with him. My protests against
this abuse of hospitality have been received with that vulgar insolence
which I have, alas, learned to expect._
_I am to request you to remember that I am visiting you incognito, as
the Duke of Blackpool, and that at this season it is my practice to
consume a mince-pie and a bottle of beer before retiring._
_I am, Madam,_
_Your obedient Servant,_
_BERRY PLEYDELL._
"Outrageous," said Daphne, "perfectly outrageous. However, there's no
time to write another, so it had better go. Boy, be a dear and answer
that invitation for me."
"This lecture thing?" said I, holding up a gilt-edged card.
My sister nodded.
"We'll have to go, I suppose."
In a flowing hand I wrote as follows--
_Major and Mrs. Pleydell have much pleasure in accepting the Countess of
Loganberry's kind invitation to attend Professor La Trobe's lecture on
the 3rd of January._
When I had read this aloud--
"What an interesting subject!" said Berry. "We shall enjoy ourselves."
* * * * *
Three days later I was in the act of fitting a new blade to my
safety-razor, when Berry entered the room fully dressed.
"I'm just off," he said, "but you may as well see what you've done
before I go."
"What d'you mean?" said I.
"Read that."
He handed me a letter. I laid down my instrument of torture and read as
follows--
_SIR,_
_I am directed by the Countess of Loganberry to acknowledge your
communication of the 20th inst., and to say that she cannot recollect
the inclusion of your name among those of the guests invited to assemble
at Pride Langley the day after to-morrow._
_In these circumstances I am to express the hope that you will not
trouble to favour her with your attendance upon the 24th inst. or any
other date, and that you will take immediate steps to prevent the
dispatch of your luggage and of the four parasites, for which, should
they arrive, she can accept no responsibility._
_I am to add that the Countess is not interested in the acquisition of
the animal to which you refer, or in the nature of the victuals with
which it is your habit to console yourself of nights._
_I am, sir,_
_Your obedient servant,_
_FREDERICK BOLETON._
I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then--
"I don't want to say anything rash," said I, "but it looks as if a
mistake had been made."
"But what a brain!" observed my brother-in-law. "What insight!" He
glanced at his watch. "And it's not half-past nine yet."
"It is wonderful, isn't it? Now, all we want is a line from Diana St.
Martin to say how glad she is you're going to the lecture on January the
3rd. Do you agree, brother?"
"I am not here," said Berry loftily, "to discuss your crime. Have you
anything to say why the Court should not give you judgment?"
"Yes. First, this communication must be answered forthwith. Secondly,
Mr. Boleton is clearly a menace to Society. It is therefore our painful
duty, brother, to proceed with the operation, inadvertently begun, of
pulling his leg until he will require a pair of field glasses to see his
own foot."
With a grin Berry clapped me on the back.
"I leave it to you, partner. Make the telegram windy. Wind always
inspires wind." He took the letter out of my hand and slipped it into
his pocket. "You won't want this document. And now I must be going. See
you to-morrow, laddie."
The next moment he was gone.
Within the hour the following telegram was on its way to Pride Langley--
_Your letter not understood aaa cannot consent to cancel my arrangements
at this hour aaa expect me tomorrow as arranged aaa four tons of luggage
entrained last night aaa loose-boxes containing parasites due to arrive
at 5.15 to-day aaa imperative these should be watered and fed within one
hour of arrival aaa acknowledge._
* * * * *
Although the train had yet to make its appearance, the platform was
crowded. Somewhere at the far end Jonah was waiting to see that our
heavy baggage was placed in the van, while Daphne, Jill and I were
standing beside such articles as we were proposing to take in the
carriage, hoping feverishly that, when the train pulled in, we should
find ourselves opposite to a first-class coach.
"Thath a nithe dog," said an unpleasant voice on my left.
I turned to see a very dark gentleman, clad in a light tweed overcoat
and cloth-topped boots, with a soft grey hat on the back of his head,
smoking an insanitary cigar and smiling unctuously upon Nobby, who was
tucked under my arm.
"Yes," I said.
"A Thealyham, ain't he?"
"I believe so."
Undeterred by my evident reluctance to converse, the fellow bowed his
head as if to examine the dog, at the same time expelling a cloud of
disgusting smoke.
In the twinkling of an eye the terrier had sneezed, wriggled from under
my arm, and slipped to the ground.
I was just in time to see him scuttle in the direction of a crate of
live turkeys which he had vainly struggled to approach when we passed
them a few minutes earlier.
Suppressing a violent desire to choke his assailant, I thrust the rug I
was carrying into Jill's arms, and started to elbow my way towards the
turkeys.
A sudden stutter of barks, a fearful burst of gobbling, and a chorus of
indignant cries suggested that the sooner I arrived to take charge, the
better for all concerned.
As I pushed forward, the press swayed expectantly towards the edge of
the platform, and I glanced round to see the train pulling in.
Thereafter my passage to the scene of the uproar was Homeric. Every step
was contested, not actively, but with that jealous determination not to
yield which distinguishes the prospective traveller who has bought an
expensive ticket and, by no means certain that the supply of seats will
be equal to the demand, interprets every movement as an attempt to
secure an unfair advantage. I eventually arrived to find in progress a
game which I prefer not to describe. Suffice it that, though Nobby was
leading, two inspectors and a clergyman with an umbrella were running
him pretty close, while the turkeys were simply nowhere.
With a well-timed dive I secured the terrier just as he evaded a left
hook from the Church, and, disregarding the loud tones in which several
intending passengers announced their conception of the qualifications of
a dog-owner, fought my way back to where I had left the girls. The fact
that the latter had managed to reserve and hold four seats did them, to
my mind, infinite credit.
It was not until we were gliding out of the station that I looked round
for my dispatch-case.
I did so in vain.
An investigation of the spaces between the seats and the floor proved
equally fruitless.
I sank back in my seat with a groan.
"Where did you see it last?" said Daphne.
"I'm hanged if I know, but of course it was with the other things. I put
it in the hall last night, and Falcon knows I always take it wherever I
go."
"I'll swear nothing was left on the platform," said Jill.
"Nor in the car," said Jonah. "I looked there myself."
"I've not the slightest doubt it's been pinched," said I. "It's just the
sort of thing that'd take a thief's fancy. By Jove!" I cried suddenly.
"What about the swab in the light coat? I'll bet any money he took it."
"What swab?" said Jonah.
"Oh, a complete mobsman. Came and jawed about Nobby and then gassed him
with his cigar till he did a bunk. That put me out of the way. With the
girls trying to get a carriage, the rest was easy. Gad I Why doesn't one
think of these things? It's locked, and there's nothing terribly
valuable in it, but I do hate being stung."
"First stop Flail," said Jonah, looking at his watch. "You've got the
best part of two hours to think it over. I should write out a synopsis
of the crime in duplicate, with a description of the missing
property----"
"And a plan of the station, I suppose, showing the all-red route I took
to the crate of turkeys, with a signed photograph of Nobby. I've only
got to attach my birth certificate, and there you are."
"Gentleman seems annoyed," said Jonah, unfolding the _Pall Mall_.
Jill laid a hand on my arm, and I laughed in spite of myself.
"He'll be fed to the teeth when he gets it open," I said. "I admit the
cigars are not what he's accustomed to, but I'd like to meet the fence
that'll take a nainsook pinafore and a couple of bibs."
This comfortable reflection in some sort consoled me. All the same, when
we steamed into Flail I sent for the station-master and handed that
gentleman two short descriptions--one of the dispatch-case, and the
other of the thief. He promised readily to keep a look-out and inform
the police.
"An' I'll telephone down the line, sir. You never know. He might be on
the train, or even 'ave got out 'ere." I made as if to leave the
compartment. "Ah, he'd be gone by now, an' you're just off. But I'll do
what I can. Your address, Red Abbey. Very good, sir."
* * * * *
Diana St. Martin was at the station to meet us, in a fever of excitement
and good-will. Her obvious disappointment at Berry's absence was allayed
by our assurance that he would appear the next day.
"Of course," she announced, "I was thrilled to learn that you were going
to the Loganberrys' lecture, but I couldn't help feeling that there was
some news, more relevant to your visit, which I ought to know. Hullo! Is
he going to honour us?" she added, pointing to Nobby, who, with tail
erect and eyes looking sideways, was considering whether or no to accept
the advances of an Irish terrier in the spirit in which they were
patently offered. "What a darling!"
"If you please," said I.
"Splendid. And now come along. We can all get In the limousine, and
there's a van for your luggage."
During the drive from the station I told her the style of the letter she
should have received, and disclosed the grave construction placed upon
it by the actual recipient. When I told her that Mr. Boleton and I were
now in telegraphic communication, she gave a little crow of delight.
"How priceless!" she cried. "Perhaps there'll be a wire when we get
back."
She was wrong. But only by a few minutes. Before we had been at Red
Abbey for a quarter of an hour, a telegram was handed to me. Falcon had
forwarded it from London.
_Forced to regard your conduct as molestful delivery of your luggage
will not be accepted parasites will remain boxed and receive necessary
attention at your expense and risk pending instructions regarding their
removal which should be communicated to station-master direct any
attempt on your part to enter Pride Langley to-morrow will be forcibly
resisted._
At once I arranged for the dispatch of the following reply--
_At great inconvenience have arranged to postpone arrival of luggage and
parasites until to-morrow aaa impossible however to stop elephants seven
of which should reach you by road before midnight and remainder by 2
a.m. aaa as already slated am unable at this juncture to cancel my visit
but shall certainly never stay at Pride Langley again aaa if "molestful"
means what I think it does I shall point you out to the large parasite._
We spent a hilarious evening.
The Irish terrier showed Nobby that hospitality for which the Isle is
famous. He made him free of the house and grounds, showed him the way to
the kitchen, and indicated by occupation the most comfortable chairs.
Nobby returned the compliment by initiating his host into the mysteries
of a game which consisted of making a circuit of the great hall,
ascending the main staircase, entering and erupting from any bedroom of
which the door stood open, and descending the staircase--all of this
recurring--with the least possible delay. The Irish terrier proved an
apt pupil, and, so far as can be judged, if Diana's maid had not
encountered them in the midst of their seventh descent, and been upset,
and of vexation nipped by an angry competitor for her pains, the game
might have gone on for weeks. This incident, however, followed by the
production of a hunting whip, brought the game to a close and the host
to his senses. Hastily he repaired a grave omission, and a moment later
Nobby was cowering in comparative, if inconvenient, safety beneath an
enormous tallboy chest.
After dinner cards were brought forth and _vingt et un_ was played. In a
weak moment I volunteered to "carry" Jill, who played with an _abandon_
which was at once exhilarating and extremely expensive. Her persistent
refusal to "stand" on anything less than twenty-one commanded an
admiration which, but for my presence, would have been universal. The
only run of luck with which her audacity was favoured coincided with my
tenure of the bank, during which period she took fifty-two shillings off
me in seven minutes.
As I pushed her counters across--
"I've heard of robbing Peter to pay Paul," I said gloomily, "but never
of robbing Charlie to pay Chaplin. Why couldn't you do this when some
one else had the bank?"
"You shouldn't deal me such cards," was the ungrateful reply.
A moment later she turned up a "natural" with a dazzling smile.
There was a roar of laughter.
"Of course, this is Berry's luck," said I. "And it needs Berry's tongue
to cope with it. A little more, and I shall ship for Australia before
the mast. Yes, I'll have a brandy-and-soda, please. Of appropriate
strength."
"In inverse proportion to your luck?" said my host.
I shook my head.
"That would require Berry's liver. Besides, tomorrow morning I'm going
to help your wife to decorate the church. I admit I was a fool to
promise, but it's done now, and----"
The chocolate which Diana threw at me ricochetted from my cheekbone on
to the hearth, and was devoured by Nobby in the very teeth of his host.
I looked at my watch with a sigh. "I suppose I ought to have told you
that chocolates fall without the limit of his digestive powers. The last
one took about four hours. And it's eleven now. I am glad I came."
My statement was received with ironical cheers....
It may or may not have been the chocolate, but in the small hours of the
following morning it became expedient that I should admit Nobby into the
open air. And so it came about that I stood patient and shivering, in a
fur coat and pyjamas, at a garden door, while a small white rough-haired
thing heaved upon the lawn twelve decent yards away.
The sailing moon, clear-cut, issued her cold white light and showed the
sleeping country silent but troubled A pride of clouds rode high in
heaven, and the same strong careless wind that bore them swept from the
leafless boughs of earth below a boisterous melody, that rose and fell
in league-long phrases, far as the ear could follow. Nature was in a
royal mood. Her Cap of Maintenance was out, Pomp was abroad, the trump
of Circumstance was sounding. A frown of dignity knitted her gentle
brow, and meadows, roads, thickets and all her Court wore a staid look
to do her honour. Only her favourite, water, dared to smile, and the
flashing lake flung back the moonlight with long ripples of silvery
laughter.
Somewhere close at hand an owl cried, and Nobby answered the challenge
with a menacing bark. I whistled, and he came running, the very
embodiment of health and spirits. Marvelling at a dog's recuperative
powers, I reopened the door. As I did so, I heard the stable clock
striking. Three o'clock.
* * * * *
Twelve hours later a servant entered the library to arouse me from a
refreshing sleep with the news that some one desired to speak with me
upon the telephone. Heavily I made my way to the lobby and put the
receiver to my ear, but the first sentence I heard drove the lingering
rearguard of Slumber headlong from my system.
It was an Inspector of Police, speaking from Flail.
"I think we've got your case, sir. Pigskin, seventeen inches by ten, an'
a blue line runnin' acrost it?"
"That's right," I said excitedly.
"An' it's still locked. No initials. But we'd like your formal
identification. Besides.... I don't know whether you could manage this
afternoon, sir, but if you could.... You see, it's a matter of a charge.
We're detainin' a man in connection with the thef'."
"Oh, I don't want to proceed. So long as I get the case back...."
"'Fraid we can't 'ardly do that, sir."
I groaned. Then--
"How far is Red Abbey from Flail?"
"Matter o' twelve mile, sir. Wouldn't take you no time in a car."
"I'll see what I can do. Good-bye."
Both cars were needed to meet incoming guests, but a Miss Doiran, who
had arrived that morning in her own two-seater, offered to drive me to
Flail and back before tea.
A quarter of an hour later we were on the road.
She listened attentively to the story of my loss. When I had finished--
"You'd little enough to go on, I must say. I'd never have dared to say
that man had stolen it."
"It was a bow at a venture," I admitted. "But it seems to have come off.
All the same, I don't want to charge the chap. He deserves six months,
if only for his cigar, but I'd rather somebody else sent him down."
"I expect they'll make you. After all, it was a pretty smart capture,
and the police'll be fed to the teeth if you don't go through with it."
"Considering it was stolen in London, I didn't see any sense in telling
the police at Flail, but the station-master apparently knew his job."
With a temporarily disengaged hand Miss Doiran caressed Nobby, who was
seated between us.
"I've always wanted a Sealyham," she sighed.
"You could have had one for nothing at three o'clock this morning."
"Did he have you up?"
I nodded.
"And down and out." I sighed. "It was a handsome night. Very cold,
though. I thought of you all warm in bed."
"What a wicked story! You never knew of my existence."
"I thought of everybody. That embraced you. It's extraordinary how
little women can wear without dying of exposure, isn't it?"
Miss Doiran glanced at her sleeve.
"This coat is lined with chamois leather," she said. "I don't know what
more you want."
"Yes. But your stockings aren't. When you stepped into the car I was
quite frightened for you."
My companion's chin rose, and she stared through the wind-screen with
compressed lips.
"I'm as warm as toast," she said defiantly.
"If you're no warmer than the toast I had for breakfast this
morning----"
"You should get up earlier."
"I thought I told you I was up and about at three."
"That doesn't count."
"Doesn't it? All right. You get up at three tomorrow and think of me all
warm in bed, and see whether it counts. By the way, don't say you wear
pyjamas, because I can't bear it."
Miss Doiran addressed our companion.
"Is he often like this, Nobby?"
I explained.
"It's not idle curiosity. You see, I'm editing a directory to be called
_That's That_. It's really a short list of the few nice people left who
aren't anybody: with just a word or two about their manners, failings,
virtues, if any, and the attire they usually affect when off duty. It
won't say when they were born, but why they were born."
"That'll sell it," said Miss Doiran.
"So you see. May I know now, or must I wait outside the bathroom?"
"I'm afraid," said Miss Doiran, "that you must wait outside the
bathroom."
I sighed.
"If it is pyjamas," said I, "I shall scream."
Some geese hissed as we swept by. The noise was inaudible, but the
hostility of their gesture was patent. Its effect upon Nobby was
electrical. Exasperated to madness by the gratuitous insult, he made the
most violent attempts to leave the car, only pausing the better to lift
up his voice and rave at his, by this time distant, tormentors. His
dignity was outraged and, what was much worse, unavenged.
"D'you still want him?" I shouted, holding fast to his collar with one
hand, while with the other I strove to muffle his cries with the rug.
"Every time."
I swallowed before replying.
"Of course, this is exceptional," I said weakly. "He can be very good if
he likes."
Miss Doiran laughed.
"I believe you just dote on him."
I lugged the white scrap out of the welter of rug and set him up on my
knees. Surprised, he stopped barking and looked me full in the eyes.
Then he thrust a cold nose into my face. Almost roughly I put him away.
"I believe you're right," I said.
Ten minutes later we drove up to Flail Police Station.
I thrust Nobby under my arm and stepped out of the car. Then I turned to
the girl.
"I'll be as quick as I can," I said.
"Right oh!"
Sure enough it was my dispatch-case. In some embarrassment I described
the ridiculous contents. Then I produced the key and confirmed my own
words.
"I must say," I said, "you haven't wasted much time. How did you recover
it?"
The inspector in charge looked grave.
"'E's a nice little lot, what took this case, sir. I shouldn't wonder if
there was 'alf a dozen warrants out for 'im. As plausible a rogue as
ever I see, an' as full o' swank as a negg is o' meat. Told us the tale
proper, 'e did. One o' the kind as gets through by sheer nerve. Now,
nine out o' ten'd 'ave bin through this 'ere case last night and throwed
it away. But 'e's not that sort. Walks through the town this afternoon
with it under 'is arm, as bold as brass." A 'plain-clothes' man entered
and stood waiting. "All ready? Right." He turned again to me. "An' now,
sir, we'll be obliged if you'll step into the yard and see if you see
anybody you recognize. I'd like the identification to be regular."
Perceiving my chance of doing the thief a good turn, I assented readily.
It was my fixed intention to recognize no one.
I followed the policeman into a high-walled yard.
Variously attired, six men were drawn up in line.
"Do you see anybody you know?" repeated the inspector.
I did. _Standing third from the left, with a seraphic look on his face,
was Berry._
For a moment I stood spellbound. Then I began to laugh uncontrollably.
"Go on, you fool," said Berry. "Indicate the felon. I admit it's one up
to you, but I'll get my own back. You wait. Why, there's Kernobby." The
terrier slipped from under my arm and ran to where he stood. "Good dog.
But I mustn't play with you till the gentleman in blue boxcloth says so.
'Sides, I'm a giddy criminal, I am." He addressed my companion. "Will
you dismiss the parade, inspector? Or shall we do a little troop drill?"
I turned to the bewildered officer.
"It's all a mistake, inspector. This is my brother-in-law. He must have
borrowed the case without my knowledge. For goodness' sake, get these
men away and we'll explain things."
The inspector hesitated, but Nobby's frantic efforts to lick the
suspect's face settled the matter. Gruffly he acted upon my suggestion,
and the little squad broke up.
In the charge-room we satisfied him of the sincerity of our statements
and exonerated him from blame. To do the police justice, Berry was
dressed more or less in accordance with my hazy description of the
"thief," and it was my dispatch-case. Courtesies were exchanged, I
signed a receipt for my property, and Berry, his effects restored, gave
a poor devil, who was brought in to be charged with begging, enough to
console the latter for his detention on Christmas Day.
A moment later I was introducing him to Miss Doiran.
"Thief and brother-in-law in one," I said. "A terrible combination."
Berry took off his hat and put a hand to his head.
"Whose reign is it?" he said dazedly. "When I entered the gaol it was
King George."
* * * * *
With his back to the fire in Daphne's bedroom, Berry proceeded to clear
the air.
"If any one of you four had a tenth of the instinct of a village idiot,
it would have occurred to those diseased fungi which you call your minds
that I had said I should want Boy's dispatch-case. But let that pass.
"I was walking through Flail according to plan, and following the
tram-lines according to the drivelling advice given me by an outside
porter with a suggestive nose. Need I say that before I had covered a
hundred yards the lines branched? I was still praying for the soul of my
informant, when I observed that a large blue constable, who was
apparently lining the street, was staring at me as at an apparition.
Courteously I gave him 'Good day.' In return he handed me a look which I
shall try to forget, and asked me how I came by the dispatch-case.
"'_I_ didn't,' I said. 'I came by train.'
"Noticing that he seemed piqued by my reply, I made haste to suggest
that we should repair to a neighbouring dairy and consume two small
glasses of butter milk and a sponge cake at my expense. Not to be
outdone in hospitality, he made a counter-proposal, which, after some
hesitation, I thought it discreet to accept. Our progress through the
streets afforded the acme of gratification to the populace, most of whom
accompanied us with every circumstance of enthusiasm and delight.
Altogether it was most exhilarating.
"My reception at the police-station was cordial in the extreme. They
told me their theory, and I gave them my explanation. The fact that the
beastly case was still locked was naturally in my favour. In fact,
everything in the garden was lovely, and I was on the point of pushing
off to catch my train, when that fool of an inspector asked if I'd leave
my card, as a matter of form.
"'I'm afraid I haven't one on me,' I said, 'but I daresay I've got an
envelope,' and I started to feel in my pockets. There was only one paper
there, and that wasn't an envelope. _It was Mr. Boleton's letter._
"The moment I saw what it was, I knew I was done. I couldn't put it
away, or they'd get suspicious. If I showed it them, they'd regard me as
a first-class crook, and very big game. I suppose I hesitated, for the
Inspector leaned forward and took it out of my hand.
"The rest was easy. I was reviled, searched, cautioned, examined,
measured, described and finally told that I should be detained pending
inquiries. I was then immured in a poisonous-looking dungeon, which, to
judge from its atmosphere, had been recently occupied by an
anti-prohibitionist, and, from its condition, not yet reached by the
chambermaid.
"Yes," he concluded, "you have before you the complete gaol-bird."
"How did you spend your time?" said Jonah.
"B-b-beating my wings against the crool b-b-bars," said Berry. "My
flutterings were most painful. Several turnkeys broke down. The rat
which was attached to me for pay and rations gambolled to assuage my
grief. Greatly affected by the little animal's antics, I mounted the
plank bed and rang the b-b-bell for the b-b-boots. In due course they
appeared full of the feet of a gigantic warder. I told him that I had
not ordered vermin and should prefer a fire, and asked if they'd mind if
I didn't dress for dinner. I added that I thought flowers always
improved a cell, and would he buy me some white carnations and a
b-b-begonia. His reply was evasive and so coarse that I told the rat not
to listen, and recited what I could remember of 'The Lost Chord.'" He
turned to me. "The remainder of my time I occupied in making plans for
the disposal of your corpse."
"You've only yourself to thank," said I. "You shouldn't have borrowed
the goods. I acted in good faith."
"I wonder," said Berry, "where one gets quicklime."
* * * * *
It was during the interval between the third and fourth dances, both of
which had been given me by Miss Doiran, that the latter consulted her
programme.
"I'm dancing the fifth," she announced, "with the Duke of Blackpool." I
started violently, but she took no notice. "I think you know him. He was
released from prison this afternoon. As my aunt's secretary, I've had
some correspondence with him under the name of Boleton."
My brain began to work furiously.
"I scent collusion," I said. "Diana is in this."
Miss Doiran laughed.
"She rang me up directly she got your note about the lecture. The rest
sort of came natural. I believe you were responsible for the telegrams.
I congratulate you. The elephants were a brain-wave. My aunt was tickled
to death by them."
"How dreadful! I mean--it's very nice of her. I'm afraid it was all
rather impertinent."
"If so, we were the first to offend, and, after all, Major Pleydell has
expiated his crime."
"And he's fixed my murder for the first week In January. There's really
only you left."
"Oh, I'm punished already," said Miss Doiran. "I've lost my heart. And
he doesn't love me."
"Would it be indiscreet to ask his name?"
Miss Doiran looked round the room.
"When I last saw him," she said, "he was talking to an Irish terrier."