HOW JILL'S EDUCATION WAS IMPROVED, AND DAPHNE GAVE HER HUSBAND THE SLIP.
"As I have frequently observed," said Berry, "your education has been
neglected. I'm not blaming those responsible. Your instruction must have
been a thankless task."
"I should think the masters who taught you enjoyed their holidays."
Such a reply from Jill was like a sudden snowstorm in June, and Berry,
who was in the act of drinking, choked with surprise. When he had
recovered his breath--
"You rude child," he said. "My prizes are among my most cherished
possessions."
"Where d'you keep them?"--suspiciously.
"Chancery Lane Safe Deposit," was the reply. "When I die I shall leave
them to the Wallace Collection. The shoes I wore at the first night of
_Buzz-Buzz_ are already promised to the Imperial Institute."
"When you've quite finished," said Daphne, "I'll suggest that we go up
for the day on Friday. I don't mean to-morrow, but the one after."
"It's a little early in the year," said I. "All the same, there's no
reason why we shouldn't go up again later on. It's always open."
"If the weather holds," said Jonah, "it will be looking wonderful."
Oxford. Some reference had been made to the city while we sat at
dessert, and in the midst of a banana Jill had confessed that she had
never been there. The rest of us knew the place well. Berry had been at
Magdalen, Jonah at New College, and I had fleeted four fat years
carelessly as a member of "The House." But, while my sister had spent
many hours there during my residence, Jill had not once visited her
brother--largely, no doubt, because there was a disparity of six years,
in her favour, between their ages.
"I warn you," said Berry, "that I may break down. My return to the
haunts of early innocence may be too much for me. Yes," he added, "I
shouldn't be at all surprised if I were to beat my breast somewhere near
The Martyrs' Memorial."
"An appropriate locality," said Jonah. "If my memory serves me, it was
for a crime committed almost under the shadow of that monument that you
were irrevocably sent down."
Berry selected a cigar before replying. Then--
"Only a malignant reptile would refer to that miscarriage of justice. It
was not my fault that the animal which I employed exceeded its
instructions and, as it were, pushed on after attaining its objective."
"You expected it to consolidate the position?" said I.
"Precisely. To dig itself in. It was like this. It was expedient--no
matter why--that a large boar should be introduced into Balliol College
shortly before 10 p.m. A gigantic specimen was accordingly procured and
brought to the Broad Street entrance in a hansom cab. It was then
induced to take up a position commanding the wicket-door. The
juxtaposition of two hurdles, held in place by my subordinates,
frustrated any attempt at untimely evacuation. At a given signal the
customary kick was administered to the gate, indicating that some person
or persons sought admission to the foundation. Unhesitatingly the porter
responded to the summons. The wicket was opened, and the pig passed in."
"I think it was very cruel," said Daphne.
"Not at all," said her husband. "There was more succulent grass upon the
lawns of Balliol than was dreamt of in its ferocity. To continue. My
mission accomplished, I entered the hansom and drove to the Club. It was
during an unfortunate altercation with the cabman, who demanded an
unreasonably exorbitant sum for the conveyance of the pig, that I was
accosted by a proctor for being gownless. The cab was still redolent of
its late occupant, and, although nothing was said at the time, it was
this which afterwards led the authorities to suspect my complicity. Even
so, nothing would have been said but for a most distressing development.
"I had expected that the pig would confine its attention to the
quadrangles and gardens and to startling such members of the college as
happened casually to encounter it. Fate, however, decreed otherwise. It
appears that the creature's admission coincided with the opening of a
door which led directly into the Senior Common Room, where the Master
and Fellows were still discussing classical criticism and some '34 port.
Attracted by the shaft of light and the mellow atmosphere of good cheer
and hilarity which streamed into the comparative gloom of the
quadrangle, the pig made a bee-line for the doorway, and a moment later
the exclusive circle was enriched by the presence of this simple and
unaffected guest. The details of what followed have never transpired,
but from the Senior Proctor's demeanour at a subsequent interview, and
the amount of the bill for damage which I was requested to pay, I am
inclined to think that the pig must have been a confirmed Bolshevist."
"I hope you apologized to the Master."
"I did. I received in reply a letter which I shall always value. It ran
as follows--
_SIR,_
_I beg that you will think no more of the matter. Youth must be served.
Many years ago I assisted your father in a somewhat similar enterprise.
Till the other evening I had always believed that the havoc provoked by
the introduction of a dancing bear into a concert-room could not be
surpassed. I am now less certain._
_Yours very faithfully,_
.."
"I think," said Jill, "he was very forgiving."
"It was deep," said Berry, "calling to deep. By the way, you'll all be
pleased to hear that I have received peremptory instructions 'within one
week to abolish the existing number by which this house is
distinguished, and to mark or affix on some conspicuous part thereof a
new number, and to renew the same as often as it is obliterated or
defaced.' Selah."
"Whatever," said Daphne, "do you mean?"
"Sorry," said Berry. "Let me put it another way. Some genii,
masquerading as officials, have got a move on. Snuffing the air of
'Reconstruction,' they have realized with a shock that the numbers of
the houses in this street have not been changed for over half a century.
Thirstily they have determined to repair the omission. We've always been
'38.' In a few days, with apologies to Wordsworth, we shall be '7.' A
solemn thought."
"But can we do nothing?"
"Certainly. In that case somebody else will obliterate the existing
number, and I shall be summoned to appear before a Justice of the
Peace."
"It's outrageous," said Daphne. "It'll cause endless confusion, and
think of all our notepaper and cards. All the dies will have to be
scrapped and new ones cut."
"Go easy," said I. "After a decent interval they'll alter the name of
the street. Many people feel that The Quadrant should be renamed 'The
Salient,' and Piccadilly 'High Street.' I'm all for Progress."
"Is this renumbering stunt a fact?" said Jonah. "Or are you Just being
funny?"
"It's a poisonous but copper-bottomed fact," said Berry. "This is the
sort of thing we pay rates and taxes for. Give me Germany."
"Can't we refuse?"
"I've rung up Merry and Merry, and they've looked up the law, and say
there's no appeal. We are at the mercy of some official who came out top
in algebra in '64 and has never recovered. Let us be thankful it wasn't
geography. Otherwise we should be required to name this house 'Sea View'
or 'Clovelly.' Permit me to remark that the port has now remained
opposite you for exactly four minutes of time, for three of which my
goblet has been empty."
"I think it's cruel," said Jill, passing on the decanter. "I think----"
"Hush," said Berry. "That wonderful organ, my brain, is working."
Rapidly he began to write upon the back of a _menu_. "We must inform the
world through the medium of the Press. An attractive paragraph must
appear in _The Times_. What could be more appropriate than an epitaph?
Ply me with wine, child. The sage is in labour with a song." Jill filled
his glass and he drank. "Another instant, and you shall hear the
deathless words. I always felt I should be buried in the Abbey. Anybody
give me a rhyme for 'bilge'? No, it doesn't matter. I have ingeniously
circumvented the crisis."
He added one line, held the card at arm's length, regarded it as a
painter a canvas, sighed, and began to read.
_A painful tale I must relate.
We used to live at thirty-eight,
But as we hope to go to heaven,
We've come to live at number seven.
Now, if we'd lived at number nine,
I'd got a simply priceless line--
I didn't want to drag in heaven,
But nothing else will rhyme with seven._
"Soldier, mountebank, and rhymester too!" said Jonah. "And yet we
breathe the same air."
"I admit it's strange," said my brother-in-law. "But it was foretold by
my predecessor. I think you'll find the prophecy in _Henry the Fifth_.
'And wholesome berries thrive and ripen best, Neighboured by fruit of
baser quality.' My game, I think. What?"
* * * * *
As was fitting, St. George's Day dawned fair and cloudless. Her
passionate weeping of the day before dismissed, April was smiling--shyly
at first, as if uncertain that her recent waywardness had been forgiven,
and by and by so bravely that all the sweet o' the year rose up out of
the snowy orchards, dewy and odorous, danced in the gleaming meadows and
hung, glowing and breathless, in every swaying nursery that Spring had
once more built upon the patient trees.
The Rolls sailed through the country, proudly indifferent to hill or
dale, melting the leagues to miles with such swift deadliness as made
you sorry for the lean old road that once had been so much to reckon
with.
I was on the point of communicating this Quixotic reflection to Agatha
Deriot, who was seated in front between Jill and myself, when there fell
upon my reluctant ears that heavy sigh which only an expiring tire can
heave. As I slowed up, it occurred to me that the puissance of the roads
of England was still considerable.
"Which is it?" said Agatha.
"Off hind, I fancy." We were in the midst of a pleasant beechwood, and I
pulled in to the side of the road with a grunt. "If it had to be, it
might have happened in a less pleasing locality."
"I gather," said Berry's voice, "I gather that something untoward has
befallen the automobile. Should I be wrong, correct me and explain the
stoppage."
"With that singular clarity of intellect which never fails to recognize
the obvious, you have correctly diagnosed the case. We have picked up a
puncture."
"Speak for yourself," said Berry. "I always let them lie. I did gather a
bunch of bursts once, but----"
"Sorry," said I. "I forgot how near we were to Oxford. What I meant was
that some hostile body of a sharp nature had penetrated a tire, thus
untimely releasing the air hitherto therein confined."
"Thank you," said Berry. "Experience leads me to anticipate a slight
delay, the while you effect the necessary repairs. I shall therefore
compose myself to slumber and meditation. Possibly I shall toy with a
cigarette. Possibly----"
"Your programme will, I fear, miscarry for more than one reason. In the
first place, you're sitting on the jack. In the second place, clumsy
fool though you are, Jonah can change the wheel quicker if you help
him." With that I climbed out of the driver's seat, and lighted a
cigarette. "Who," I added, "will come for a little walk?"
"I'm coming," said Daphne, setting aside the rug and rising from her
seat between Jonah and her husband.
"I forbid you," said the latter, "to consort with that blasphemous
viper."
My sister leaned down and kissed him.
"A little gentle exercise," she said, "will do you good. I expect it'll
make you hot, so take your coat off. Then you'll have something to put
on again."
Coldly Berry regarded her.
"How long," he said, "did it take you to work that out?"
As we strolled down the sun-flecked road in the wake of Miss Deriot and
Jill, I turned and looked back at the car. Something was squatting on
the tarmac close to the petrol tank. The fact that Jonah was unstrapping
a spare wheel suggested that my brother-in-law was taking exercise....
My sister slid an arm through mine, and we walked idly on. The road
curled out of the wood into the unchecked sunlight, rising to where its
flashing hedgerows fell back ten paces each, leaving a fair green ride
on either side of the highway. Here jacketed elms made up a stately
colonnade, ready to nod their gay green crests at each stray zephyr's
touch, and throwing broad equidistant bars of shadow across the fresh
turf and the still moist ribbon of metalling beyond. Two piles of stones
lay heaped upon the sward, and, as we drew near, we heard the busy chink
of a stone-breaker's hammer, a melodious sound that fitted both morning
and venue to perfection. Again I fell to thinking on the old coach
road....
The stone-breaker was an old, old man, but the tone in which he gave us
"Good day" was blithe and good to hear, while he looked as fit as a
fiddle.
"You work very fast," said I, as he reached for a mammoth flint.
"Aye," he said. "But it come easy, sir, after so many year."
"Have you always done this?" said Daphne.
The old fellow plucked the gauze from his brow and touched his battered
hat.
"Naught else, m'm. Nine-and-seventy year come Michaelmas I've kep' the
Oxford road. An' me father before me."
"That's a wonderful record," said I amazedly. "And you carry your years
well."
"Thank you, sir. There's a many as tells me that. I'll be ninety-one in
the month o' June. An' can't write me own name, sir."
"That's no shame," said I. "Tell me, you must remember the coaches."
"That do I. They was took off my road just afore I started breakin'
meself, but long afore that I used to bring me father 'is dinner, an' I
remember them well. Many a time I've watched the 'Tantivy' go by, an'
Muster Cracknell drivin'. Always nodded to father, 'e did, an' passed
the time o' day. An' father, 'e'd wave 'is 'ammer, an' call me an' tell
me 'is name, an' what a fine coachman 'e were. 'Twas a Birmin'ham coach,
the 'Tantivy,' but Muster Cracknell used to 'and over at Oxford. London
to Oxford was 'is stretch, sir. An' back."
"Isn't that wonderful?" said Daphne.
Agatha and Jill, who had joined us, agreed in awestruck whispers.
The old fellow laughed.
"I've seen the coaches, m'm, and I've seen the motors, an' they can't
neither of them do without the road, m'm. As it was in the beginnin', so
ever it shall be. Soon I'll pass, but the road'll go on, an' others'll
break for 'er. For she must needs be patched, you know, m'm, she must
needs be patched...."
We gave him money, and he rose and uncovered and pulled his white
forelock with the antique courtesy of his class. As we turned away, I
pinched Daphne's arm.
"I'll bet no man's ever done that to you before."
She shook her head, smiling.
"I don't think so. It was very nice of him."
"What would you call him?" said Jill. "A stone-breaker?"
I raised my eyebrows.
"I suppose so. Or roadman."
"I know," said Agatha softly. "He's a Gentleman of the Road."
"Good for you," said I. "The title never became a highwayman one half so
well."
As I spoke, the Rolls stole up alongside. We climbed in, Jill and I
sitting behind for a change. With a foot on the step, Daphne looked at
her husband.
"Did you get very hot?" she said.
"I did," said Berry. "Every pore in my body has been in action. I always
think it's so nice to start a day like that."
"How would you like to break stones," said I, "for seventy-nine years?"
Jonah let in the clutch.
"I perceive," said Berry, "that you are under the influence of drink. At
the present moment I am more interested in the breaking of backs. Have
you ever jacked up a car?"
"Often. You must stoop to conquer."
"Stoop? You must have a comic spine. My trunk kept getting in the way.
And my nether limbs were superfluous. To do it properly you should be
severed below the armpits."
"The correct way," said I, "is to face the jack, and then bend backwards
till you face it again. Then it's simplicity itself. You work, as it
were, between your own legs."
My brother-in-law sighed.
"I used to do my boots up like that, when an agent in Germany. In that
way no one could assault me from behind. Those detailed to stab me in
the back were nonplussed and in several cases shot for incompetence."
A quarter of an hour later we slid over Magdalen Bridge.
* * * * *
The venerable city was unchanged. That same peculiar dignity, which no
impertinence can scathe, that same abiding peace, the handiwork of
labouring centuries, that immemorial youth, which drains the cups of
Time and pays no reckoning--three wonders of the world, rose up to meet
us visitors.
Oxford has but two moods.
This day she was _allegro_. The Sunshine Holyday of Spring had won her
from her other soberer state, and Mirth was in all her ways. Her busy
streets were bright, her blistered walls glowed and gave back the warmth
vouchsafed them, her spires and towers were glancing, vivid against the
blue: the unexpected green, that sprawled ragged upon scaly parapets,
thrust boldly out between the reverend mansions and smothered up the
songs of architects, trembled to meet its patron: the blowing meadows
beamed, gates lifted up their heads, retired quadrangles smiled in their
sleep, the very streams were lazy, and gardens, walks, spaces and
alleyed lanes were all betimes a-Maying.
Perhaps because it was St. George's Day, ghosts that the grey old stones
can conjure up, at Fancy's whim came thronging. The state of Kings rode
by familiar, shrewd virgin Majesty swayed in a litter down the roaring
streets, and the unruly pomp of a proud cardinal wended its scarlet way
past kneeling citizens. Cavaliers ruffled it in the chequered walks,
prelates and sages loaded the patient air with discourse, and phantom
tuck of drum ushered a praise-God soldiery to emptied bursaries. With
measured tread statesmen and scholars paced sober up and down the flags,
absorbed in argument, poets roamed absent by, and Law and bustling
Physic, learned and gowned and big with dignity, swept in and out the
gates of colleges whose very fame, that spurred their young intent, they
lived to magnify.
After a random drive about the city, in the course of which we visited
St. John's and Magdalen, we put the car in a garage and repaired to _The
Mitre_ for lunch.
Such other spectacles as we proposed to view lay more or less close
together, and could be inspected more conveniently without the car,
which claimed the constant vigilance of one of us just at the very times
we least could spare it.
Fortified by the deference shown him by his scout, whom we had
encountered while visiting his old rooms overlooking the Deer Park, my
brother-in-law had in some measure succeeded--so far as Jill and Agatha
were concerned--in investing his sojourn at Magdalen with an ill-merited
dignity; and Daphne, Jonah and I were quite justifiably delighted when a
prosperous-looking individual, with a slip in his waistcoat and a
diamond ring, left his table and laid a fat hand familiarly upon Berry's
shoulder.
"Hullo, Pleydell, old man. How's things? Don't remember me, I suppose.
Lewis." He mentioned the name of the minor college he had once adorned.
"You were at Magdalen, weren't you?"
Taken completely by surprise, Berry hesitated before replying in a tone
which would have chilled a glacier.
"Er--yes. I'm afraid my memory's not as good as yours. You must excuse
me."
"That's all right," said the other, with a fat laugh. "I was one of the
quiet little mice," he added archly, "and you were always such a gay
dog." To our indescribable delectation he actually thrust a stubby
forefinger into his victim's ribs.
"Er--yes," said Berry, moving his chair as far from his tormentor as
space would permit. "I suppose you were. One of the mice, I think you
said. You know, I still don't seem to remember your face or name. You're
quite sure...."
"Anno Domini," was the cheerful reply. "We're both older, eh? Don't you
remember the night we all----But p'r'aps I oughtn't to tell tales out of
school, ought I, old bean?" Again the forefinger was employed, and its
owner looked round expectantly. Beads of perspiration became visible
upon Berry's forehead, and Jonah and I burst into a roar of laughter.
Greatly encouraged by our mirth, Mr. Lewis beamed with geniality, and,
slapping Berry upon the back with the diamond ring, commended the good
old times, observed that the undergraduates of to-day were of a very
different class to "me and you," and added that England was in such a
rotten state that, if the Coal Controller had not personally begged him
to "carry on," he would have "up stick and cleared out to Australia long
ago."
At his concluding words Daphne sat up as if she had been shot. Then,
administering to me a kick, which she afterwards explained had been
intended for Berry, she smiled very charmingly.
"I suppose you're just up for the day, Mr. Lewis. As we are," she
inquired.
With an elaborate bow Mr. Lewis agreed, and in a moment the two were
carrying on an absurd conversation, to which Jonah and I contributed by
laughing unfeignedly whenever a remark justified an expression of mirth.
Jill and Agatha were on the edge of hysteria, and Berry sat sunk in a
condition of profound gloom, from which he occasionally emerged to fix
one or other of us with a stare of such malevolence as only served to
throw us into a fresh paroxysm of laughter.
Had Mr. Lewis for one moment appreciated the true cause of our
amusement, he would have been a broken man. Happily his self-confidence
was sublime, and, when Daphne finally bowed and remarked with a dazzling
smile that no doubt he and her husband would like to have a little chat
after luncheon, he retired in a perfect ecstasy of gratification.
When he was out of earshot--
"Why not ask him to come and live with us?" said Berry. "He could go to
the Loganberrys' ball on Tuesday, and Jonah and I can put him up for the
Club. He might even stay for Ascot."
"I think he's a topper," said I.
"Old college pal, I suppose," said Jonah. "Let's call the Stilton after
him."
"Listen," said Daphne. "Didn't you hear him say he was something to do
with coal? Well, the moment he said it, I thought of what I've been
trying to remember ever since yesterday morning. We've got three
hundredweight left, and we've had more than our ration already. For
goodness' sake, get him to do something for us."
"You wicked woman," said Berry. "You wicked, deceitful woman."
"Nonsense," said Daphne. "It's just a stroke of luck. Of course, he
mayn't be able to help, but it's worth trying. If you want to do without
a hot bath--let alone fires--for the next three months, I don't."
"And I am to be the cat's-paw?" said Berry. "I'm to have the felicity of
hobnobbing with that poisonous bounder----"
"You've done it before," said I. "He remembers it perfectly."
"Vermin," said Berry, "you lie. My association with that little pet was
confined to the two solitary occasions upon which I was so misguided as
to be the guest of a club of which he was not a member, but which was,
nevertheless, an institution of the college which he adorned. After
dinner it was customary to pay a short but eventful visit to the rooms
of the most unpopular man in college. On each occasion Mr. Lewis's rooms
were unanimously selected."
"Nemesis," said I. "He's getting his own back."
"I rejoice to think," said my brother-in-law, "that it was I who
conceived the idea of secreting Chinese figs in every pair of his boots
and shoes that could be found. If I remember, we used the best part of
two boxes."
"I depend upon you," said Daphne. "Be civil to him for five minutes, and
we'll--we'll wait for you between St. Mary's and The Radcliffe."
"But how nice of you! I should hate to suggest that you were not taking
any risks. Of course, a punt moored in midstream would be safer."
"He might be worse," said I. "I admit I could spare the diamond, but at
least he's not wearing a cummerbund and sand shoes."
"Hush," said Jonah. "He's keeping them for Henley. You won't catch him
out on dress. Ah me," he added with a sigh, "I love to see old chums
meet again, don't you?"
"There's nothing so touching," said I, "as a reunion of souls. To revive
the memory of boyhood's intimacy, of joys and troubles shared, of visits
to the tuck-shop.... If the truth were known, I expect they were always
together, sort of inseparable, you know."
"No doubt. Naturally, Berry's a bit shy at first, but that's often the
way. Before the afternoon's out, he'll be calling him 'Erb' again, and
they'll have changed hats."
"This," said Berry, "is intolerable. A little more and I shall burst
into large pear-shaped tears. Let's pay the bill, will you?" He rose to
his feet. "And now I'm going to remember more things in five minutes
than Mr. Lewis has forgotten in thirteen years. Will two tons be
enough?"
"Make it three," said Daphne.
"And we are to reassemble between St. Mary's and The Radcliffe. Or was
it between The Radcliffe and St. Mary's?"
"We shall wait five minutes and no more," said I. "That gives you one
minute forty seconds a ton, or five seconds a hundredweight. Keep the
home fires burning."
"Mathematician and imitation humorist," said Berry. "Isn't it wonderful?
Don't forget to let me know what the bill comes to. Just as a matter of
interest."
He sauntered in the direction of Mr. Lewis, who was watching him with
the air of a terrier that hopes to be taken out for a walk....
I called for the bill, and five minutes later the rest of us were
strolling across the cobbles under the shadow of The Radcliffe Camera.
"As soon as he comes," said Jonah, "we'll go to New College. We can sit
in the gardens there for a bit and suck soda-mints. When the process of
digestion is completed, we can see the chapel and hall, and then one of
us can borrow a gown, and we'll look in at The Bodleian."
The project seemed admirable, but, as has been frequently remarked, Man
but proposes.
More than four minutes had elapsed, and we were casually sauntering
towards The High, to see if Berry was in sight, when the latter swung
round the corner of Brasenose with Mr. Lewis stepping joyously by his
side.
Instead of his grey Homburg, my brother-in-law was wearing a soft
clerical hat which was too small for him. The ludicrous effect created
by this substitution of headgear can be more easily imagined than
described.
For a moment we wavered. Then Jill gave a shriek of laughter, and we
broke and scattered something after the manner of a mounted
reconnoitring patrol that has unexpectedly "bumped into" a battalion of
the enemy. Our retreat, however, was not exactly precipitate, and we
endeavoured to invest it with a semblance of hypocrisy not usually
thought necessary in warfare; but it was in no sense dignified, and only
a child, too young to differentiate between right and wrong, could have
failed to recognize the true motive which prompted our withdrawal.
Seizing Agatha by the arm I turned left about, pointed vehemently to the
dome of the Camera, and hurried her in the direction of the gate which
admitted to that institution. Simultaneously Jonah wheeled right about
and, apparently imparting information of a startling character
concerning the east front of Brasenose to his sister and cousin, began
to hustle them towards the entrance. To Berry's repeated nominal
exhortations we paid not the slightest attention. Coal or no coal, the
combination of Mr. Lewis and my brother-in-law--the latter in a mood
which the assumption of so ridiculous a garb made it impossible to
mistake--was too awful to contemplate. There are things which are worse
than a cold bath.
I did not stop until we were safely on the leads of the Camera.
Considerably out of breath, we leaned cautiously upon the balustrade, if
possible from our eminence to observe the manoeuvres of our terror. Look
where we would, there was no one to be seen.
"The brute must have followed the others into B.N.C.," I panted. "I'd
love to see them come out."
"I think he's a scream," said Agatha. "If he could only see himself in
that hat...."
She dissolved into peals of laughter.
"I agree. But I'd rather watch from the stalls than assist him in one of
his turns."
"Stalls? This is more like the gallery."
"True. But remember. 'Who sups with the devil should hold a long spoon.'
All the same, if you can bear another proverb, 'It's an ill wind,' etc.
If I hadn't been hard up for a refuge, I should never have thought of
bringing you up here, and for any one to get an idea of Oxford it's as
good a place as I know."
Miss Deriot gazed at the magnificent prospect before replying.
"It ought to make me feel very small," she said suddenly, "but somehow
it doesn't. It's so terribly old and all that, but it's got such a kind
look."
"That," said I, "is the quality of Oxford. And I congratulate you. You
are articulate where wise men have stood dumb. Perhaps it's because
you're so much alike."
"Who."
"You and Oxford."
"Am I so terribly old?"
I shook my head.
"But you're beautifully built, and you've got a kind look and handsome
ways, and your temples are a dream, and all our swains commend you,
and----"
"Stop, stop. You're getting mixed."
"Not at all. My intellect was never less clouded. In spite of two
glasses of ginger beer, my hand is like a spade--I mean a rock. Insert a
fly in your eye, and I will remove it unhesitatingly."
"I'll take your word for it," said Agatha.
"One of these days I shall compare you to a burst of melody. At the
present moment I am between your dimple and the deep sea."
"The dimple you are," said Agatha, with a smile that promised laughter
with difficulty suppressed.
Amusedly I regarded her.
She was very tastefully dressed. A blue silk coat and a white laced
blouse beneath it, a pale grey skirt of some soft stuff, grey silk
stockings and small grey shoes--these with a hat of crocheted silk that
matched her jersey--suited her pretty figure and the April day to rare
perfection.
Leaning easily against the worn masonry of the balustrade, slight, lithe
and graceful, she was the embodiment of vitality in repose. She stood so
still, but there was a light shining in the brown eyes, that were cast
down and over the parapet, keeping a careful watch for any indication of
Berry's activity, a tell-tale quiver of the sensitive nostrils, an
eagerness hanging on the parted lips, which, with her flushed cheeks,
lent to a striking face an air of freshness and a keen _joie de vivre_
that was exhilarating beyond description.
"I wonder what's happening," said Agatha, nodding down at the gateway.
"Can they get out another way?"
"I'm not sure. There is another gate, but----"
"At last," said a familiar voice. "I wouldn't have missed those stairs
for anything. Think of the fools who've trodden them before." The next
moment Berry, followed by Mr. Lewis, made his appearance. "Why, here are
our little playmates." He advanced beaming. "Don't be shy any longer.
And what a storied retreat you have selected!" He indicated the building
with a sweep of his arm. "You know, originally this was a helter-skelter
lighthouse, but Henry the Eighth lost his mat half-way down the chute,
and had it closed down in revenge. There was a great deal of feeling
about it. Especially on the part of the King. He hunted from a litter
for months."
I addressed myself to Miss Deriot.
"Wonderfully well-informed, isn't he? Scratch the buffoon and you get
the charlatan."
Berry turned to Mr. Lewis.
"Much of my crowded life," he said, "has been devoted to research. I am,
as it were, a crystal fount of knowledge. I beg that you will bathe in
me."
Not knowing exactly what reply to make to this offer, Mr. Lewis laughed
heartily, while Agatha, overcome with emotion, hurriedly turned away and
stared over the roofs of Oxford, shaking with long spasms of laughter.
Stifling a desire to join her, I crossed to Mr. Lewis and engaged him in
reasonable conversation, while Berry seized the opportunity of
indicating to Agatha the main points of the city, accompanying his
gesticulations with a series of inaudible remarks, which, to judge from
their reception, concerned Mr. Lewis more nearly than Oxford, and were
of a grotesque character. I was just leading up to the question of fuel,
when a cry from my brother-in-law interrupted me.
"My hag," he announced, "is below. With a notorious winebibber. Where
are the women police?"
The next moment he had slid an arm through Agatha's and had begun to
descend. I followed with Mr. Lewis....
I pass over the meeting in the street below, which I was just in time to
witness. Berry's swoop was so sudden that his prey appeared to realize
that the game was up, and made no attempt to fly. It was almost piteous.
An apprehension of certain embarrassment to come extinguished the
instant impulse to shriek with laughter which was written plain upon
their faces, and my sister gave one wild glance about her before turning
to face the delinquent.
As I came up she addressed him.
"Berry, I appeal to you to take off that hat."
"My tongue," was the reply, "I mean my hands, are clean. Bereft of my
own headgear, I had no choice. Some absent-minded priest is now
scandalizing his parishioners by parading in a pearl-grey Homburg which
is four sizes too big for him, while I--would you have me go naked in
the streets?"
Here the Vice-Chancellor passed, preceded by his Bedels with staves
reversed, and Berry uncovered and fell upon his knees. Surprised by the
unwonted attention, the dignitary raised his mortar-board and bowed.
"Let's go and touch him," said Berry excitedly. "Then we shan't get the
King's Evil. That's the origin of inoculation."
"I implore you," said Daphne, "to behave yourself. As a personal
favour----"
"You see in me," said her husband, "a huntleyed palmer seeking the tomb
of Anne of Cloves. On finding it, I must scourge myself. Anyone who
directs me to it will be assaulted."
"She's buried at Oranges," said Jonah. "But don't let that stop you."
Berry replaced his wideawake and stared at him.
"To mock me," he said, "is most dangerous. Several people have been
transformed for such an offence. Only yesterday I was compelled to
change a taxi-driver into a Gorgonzola of military age."
Several clocks struck the half-hour. Half-past two.
"Look here," said I. "We want to go to New College and 'The House,' but
we can't push off if you're going to come with us looking like that. For
Heaven's sake, go back to _The Mitre_ and get your own hat. Mr. Lewis,
won't you go and fix him up?"
Quick as a flash, Daphne threw her weight into the scale which I had
slung.
"Yes, do," she implored. "You know, you oughtn't to have let him come
out like that," she added, with a reproachful smile. "And then you can
join us a New College."
Our manoeuvre was successful beyond all expectation. His vanity
flattered, the gentleman addressed flung himself into the breach with
every manifestation of delight, and, seizing my brother-in-law by the
arm, haled him gleefully in the direction of The High, humouring his
obvious reluctance with the familiar assurances which one usually
associates with the persuasion of the unsober.
In silence we watched them till they had turned the corner. Then--
"Did I say New College?" said Daphne hurriedly.
"You did," said I. "So we'd better go straight to 'The House.'"
Three minutes later we were exploring my old rooms in Peckwater
Quadrangle, Christ Church.
* * * * *
In spite of its inauspicious beginning, we spent an enjoyable afternoon.
By common consent New College was ruled out of our itinerary, but Oxford
cannot be viewed in a day, and we found much to delight our senses south
of the High Street. Finally, a languorous journey by punt from the
Barges to Magdalen Bridge more than compensated us for the somnolent
half-hour which we had been proposing to spend under the shadow of the
City Wall.
Our return to _The Mitre_--a movement which was effected with great
caution--was eagerly awaited by the hall-porter, who inquired anxiously
regarding my brother-in-law, and produced his grey Homburg with a note
addressed _To the Owner_ stuck in the hatband.
"The gentleman as was of your party, sir, was inquirin' about 'is 'at an
hour or two back, sir. 'E 'adn't 'ardly gone, when a reverend gent come
in, all of a state, with this 'at in 'is 'and. Seems he took it away
absent-minded like, instead of 'is own, sir. Though 'ow 'e can 'ave made
such a mistake I can't think, 'is bein' a Church 'at as plain as plain.
But they're like that up 'ere, sir, some o' them."
We stared at one another, frankly astonished to learn that Berry's
fantastic explanation was founded strictly upon fact.
"Did the clergyman get his own back?" said I.
"Yes, sir. 'Ere it was in the 'all."
Apparently neither the porter nor the divine had any idea of the abuse
to which the latter's wideawake had been put.
"Oh, well, our friend'll be in presently," said Jonah, taking the
Homburg. "When he comes, tell him we've got his hat and are having tea."
"Very good, sir. You see there's a note there, sir? The reverend wrote
it 'ere. I think 'e was 'opin' to ave seen your gentleman and told 'im
'ow sorry 'e was, but when 'e 'card 'e was out, 'e sits down an' writes
'im a letter. 'E was in a state."
"Poor man," said Daphne, following after Jonah. "After all, there's no
harm done."
"It was a near thing," said I. "But for my brain-wave----"
"Nonsense," said Daphne, "I got him away."
"To be candid," said Jonah, "if anybody's to get a mention, I'm inclined
to think it should be Mr. Lewis."
While we were waiting for tea, I read the letter aloud.
_SIR,_
_I can never adequately express my regret for the distressing, if
momentary, aberration unhappily responsible for my appropriation of a
hat which in no way resembles my own._
_I dare entertain no hope that inconvenience has not resulted to you,
but I beg that you will accept, first, my fervid assurance that it was
not of industry, but of case that I offended, and, secondly, my most
humble apologies for the commission of so unfriendly a gest._
_I am, Sir,_
_Your obedient Servant,_
_LUKE ST J. BILDEW, B.D._
When I had finished--
"I don't understand half of it," said Jill.
"I confess it needs annotating, but it's worth keeping, for it's the
real thing, my dear--a human document. You see, Oxford is the most
wonderful backwater in the world, but--it's a backwater."
"And if you stay in it always," said Agatha, "and never come out into
the stream----"
"You are liable to take the wrong hat and to write letters that would be
the better for footnotes."
Berry arrived with the tea.
In silence he received his own hat, compared it with one which he had
just purchased, and then handed the latter to the waiter. In silence he
read Mr. Bildew's note. In silence he selected a piece of bread and
butter and sank into a chair.
"I can't bear it," said Daphne. "Where's Mr. Lewis?"
"Happily he decided to catch a train twenty minutes ago. Otherwise it
would have been murder. I should have pleaded guilty to manslaughter,
committed under extreme provocation. That man oughtn't to be allowed. I
suppose you forgot to go to New College. Yes, just so."
"And the coal?" said I. "Have you fixed that up?"
"Three tons of the best nuts are to be delivered _sub rosa_ between two
and three to-morrow afternoon. Nothing is to be said, nothing signed.
Nobody is to know anything about it. The carter will simply take up the
plate, shoot the stuff in, and push off. As I happened to have six
pounds ten shillings upon me, the transaction will not be recorded."
With a depreciatory hand he waved aside the involuntary buzz of grateful
admiration. "I am not long for this world. I am, as it were, ear-marked
for a more worthy sphere. My translation may occur any moment. I should
like Lewis to have some trifle in memory of me. A personal effect, I
mean. I've got a gun-metal sovereign-case somewhere. But anything useful
will do."
* * * * *
We made a point of being in upon the following afternoon. It was not
often that we all sat down to lunch together, but the satisfaction of
witnessing the delivery of three precious tons of coal in the teeth of
the authorities was more than we could forego. The butler was admitted
to our confidence, and instructed to stifle any attempt to allay
curiosity, by interpretation of the carman, that might originate in the
servants' hall, and immediately after luncheon, which finished at three
minutes to two, an O.P. was established by the side of one of the
dining-room windows, in which Jill was posted with orders to advise us
directly the convoy appeared.
In the library we spent a restless time. Berry, usually somnolent at
this hour, sat upon the club kerb and toyed with _The Times_. Jonah
fidgeted with a refractory pipe. Daphne glanced from the clock to her
novel and the novel to the clock at intervals of fifteen seconds, and I
wrote four letters to the War Office about my gratuity, and very
properly destroyed them as incoherent one after another.
At a quarter past two, by common consent, I visited Jill to see if she
was asleep.... When I made my report we reminded one another that Mr.
Lewis had said between two and three, and agreed that it was early as
yet.
At half-past two Daphne left the room and did not return.
At twenty minutes to three I made no attempt to disguise my uneasiness,
and joined my cousin and sister in the dining-room.
Ten minutes later Jonah and Berry came in.
After a hurried consultation it was decided that, if the coal had not
arrived in ten minutes' time, Berry should telephone to Mr. Lewis
forthwith. Almost immediately it was found that nobody knew the man's
number, initials, or address, and reference to the Directory showed that
there were four columns of subscribers all bearing his name.
At five minutes past three the strain was telling, and every one's
temper began more or less to show signs of wear and tear.
"Are you sure," said Daphne for the fourth time, "that it was to come
between two and three?"
"No," said her husband. "That's why I've been waiting."
"Fool," said his wife.
Berry sighed.
"Some people are very hard to please. If I were you, I should take a
course of ventriloquism. Then you can ask yourself questions and give
yourself any perishing answers you like. At times you might even revile
yourself."
Five minutes later Jonah announced that he was going to Ranelagh, and
inquired whether any one wanted a round of golf. Berry accepted the
invitation, and they left together.
The arrival of Fitch with the car at half-past three reminded my sister
that she was going to call upon some one in Regent's Park, and she
withdrew in a state of profound depression.
Jill, who was on the very brink of tears, refused to leave her post
until a quarter to four, and, when that hour arrived, slow-treading but
coalless, it was only my promise to take her to see Charlie Chaplin
forthwith that could coax the ghost of a smile to play about her lips.
As I closed the front-door behind us, a neighbouring clock struck four.
Moodily we walked down the street, talking of cinemas and thinking of
coal. Had our thoughts been otherwise employed, the condition of the
pavement outside a house about a hundred and twenty yards down on the
opposite side would have recalled them pellmell to our disappointment.
It was obvious that a considerable quantity of coal had been recently
delivered to a more fortunate _ménage_. Idly I looked at the number of
the house. _From either pillar of the porch a freshly painted "38"
grinned at me._ For a moment I stared at them blankly. Then Jill gave a
choking cry and caught at my arm....
I realized with a shock that, while Mr. Lewis had been as good as his
word, my brother-in-law's recollection of our change of address was less
dependable.