SIR,--Will you permit me to protest against the shocking insecurity of
life and property in London? What are the Police doing? Only yesterday I
was walking, _in the middle of the day_, in a rather quiet road in this
suburb, when a _highway robber_, disguised as an ordinary beggar, asked
me for a copper! His look was _most forbidding_, and he put his hand
under his coat in a way that convinced me he was about to _draw a
revolver_! I at once gave him my purse, with half-a-crown in it, which
seemed to pacify him, and I am convinced that I owe my life to my
_presence of mind_. The shock, however, has quite prostrated me, and my
medical adviser has already paid me _three visits_, on the strength of
it, and says I need "careful watching for some time." He has very kindly
put off a holiday, in order to watch me, which is sufficient to prove
what a _diabolical outrage_ I have been the victim of!
Yours, indignantly,
_Cozynook, Sydenham._ TABITHA GRUNDY.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--We are coming to a really awful state of things in the
Strand! A friend of mine (who does not wish his name mentioned) assures
me that he was proceeding from the Gaiety Restaurant, where he had been
lunching, towards Charing Cross, when he was "attacked by VERTIGO" in
broad day-light! Comment is needless. If dangerous foreign bandits like
this VERTIGO--who from his name must be an Italian--are permitted to
plunder innocent pedestrians with impunity, the sooner we abolish our
Police Force and save the expense, the better.
NO ALARMIST.
DEAR ED'TOR,--I write you a line to say I've jus' been 'sulted--grossly
'sulted--on Thames 'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long--quite shober--sud'ly
'costed by man dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters
about"--took hold of my arm--wanted see me into cab. _I saw through him
at once._ It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch--forshately lef' watch
home. Angry at not findin' watch--bundled me into cab anyhow--feel
'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull citizens to be
'sulted by pleece--by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? It's all true 'bout
Lunn' bein' _most_ unsafe. Norra word' of 'xagg'ration! _Cre' 'xperto._
Thash Latin!--_Shows_ I'm spekbull. No more now! He'ache.
Yours, RUM PUNCH.
* * * * *
Sir Gerald Portal.
OF Afric's districts C. and E.,
'Tis clear to any mortal,
We've but to keep our Afric key,
And enter by our PORTAL.
* * * * *
THE following mysterious advertisement is cut from the _Grantham
Journal:_--
WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years
old, suitable for Building work, about 16
hands.--Address, &c.
Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the
sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up!
* * * * *