herself about my heart, that I cannot bear that she should be used ill.
Your sister is fond of her, and I dote upon her.
_Capt. Eth._ Why, yes, sir, I acknowledge that she is a nice girl, but
still, there is a line to be drawn. You would not, for instance, like to
see her my wife.
_Adm._ Indeed but I would, Edward, for your own sake. You would have a
fair prospect of matrimonial bliss. Talking about marriage, Edward, I
again repeat, if, as you say, the happiness of Agnes depends upon her
union with Mertoun, from the character you have given him, I shall raise
no objections; but, as I do think in the disposal of her children, the
mother has some claim to be consulted, I suppose he must be permitted to
follow up your plan, rather a novel one, of bearding the father to gain
the daughter.
_Capt. Eth._ You forget, sir, that you are to have a general action, and
then it will be no longer necessary.
_Enter Captain Mertoun._
Here comes Mertoun.
_Adm._ True, true, I forgot that. Well Captain Mertoun, I hope you have
found amusement.
_Capt. Mer._ I have, sir, been walking with my lady, who has just gone
into her room to take off her bonnet.
_Enter Lady Etheridge and Agnes._
_Lady Eth._ I am quite exhausted with my pedestrian performance.
(_Captain Mertoun hands a chair, she sits._) Sir Gilbert, I am sorry to
request that you will reprove your daughter for disobedience, for,
notwithstanding my command of this morning, I find that she has again
visited Lucy Bargrove. You say that you have no objection, but I tell
you it shall not be, so there is an end of the matter, and of the
discussion; and I insist upon it, Admiral, I insist that you give her a
proper lecture in my presence. Now, Sir Gilbert.
_Capt. Eth._ (_aside_). Now, sir, this is your time, we'll support you.
_Adm._ My dear Lucy is concerned--I don't feel that I want any support.
Agnes, your mother has expressed her disapprobation at your visit to
Lucy Bargrove.
_Agnes._ My dear father!
_Adm._ And I don't agree with your mother.
_Lady Eth._ Sir Gilbert!
_Adm._ I consider Lucy Bargrove a very amiable, good girl. I am partial
to her, and have no objection to your visiting her whenever you please.
_Lady Eth._ (_more loudly_). Sir Gilbert!
_Capt. Eth._ (_aside_). Excellent, Sir Gilbert.
_Adm._ I repeat again, Agnes, that so far from agreeing with, I totally
disagree with Lady, and, in this matter, I will not allow her to
interfere in future. I intend to be _master of my own house_!
_Lady Eth._ (_screaming_). Sir Gilbert!!!
_Capt. Eth._ (_aside_). The day's our own.
_Adm._ (_angrily_). Yes, my lady, master of my own house! and expect
humility and submission on your part. (_Softening_). Although I never
shall forget that I have advanced you to the dignity of Lady Etheridge.
_Lady Eth._ Captain Mertoun! Captain Mertoun! Oh! Oh! will nobody assist
me? Oh! lead me to my room.
_Adm._ Edward, help your mother to her room, Captain Mertoun will assist
you. [_Exeunt Lady Etheridge, Captains Mertoun and Etheridge.
Manent, Sir Gilbert and Agnes._
_Adm._ I have, my dear Agnes, as you perceive, made a resolution to be
no longer second in my own house, but your good sense will point out to
you, that your mother deserves your respect.
_Agnes._ My dear father, I have never believed otherwise; but still I
must rejoice at what has taken place, as I am convinced it is for her
happiness, as well as for your own.
_Adm._ Come, dear, let us take a walk; I feel rather excited. No wonder,
this being firm is one of the most unsteady feelings imaginable, for I
have no sooner come to a resolution of making a stand, than I find my
head running round consumedly. [_Exeunt._
_Scene V._
_A parlour in the homestead. Enter Dame Bargrove._
_Mrs Bar._ Well, I wonder whether Mr Bargrove intends to come home
to-day. I never knew a man work so hard for his employer. He is an
honest man, I will say that, and there are not many wives who are in
their husband's secrets can say the same. Aye, and he's no poor man
either. His own property to nurse, and twenty years' service with a
liberal master have made him independent, and our boy and girl will be
none the worse for it. Well, it has been fairly and honourably earned,
and there are few who can count so much and say the same. I wish Peter
were not so idle and thoughtless. It frets his father very much. Here he
comes, and I'll try if I can't reason with him.
_Enter Peter Bargrove with great consequence._
_Mrs Bar._ Well, Peter, have you seen your father?
_Peter._ I have not yet communicated the important intelligence.
_Mrs Bar._ Why, what's the matter with the boy? important intelligence!
_Peter._ I had forgot. She is still unaware of my discovery. Hem!
(_walking up to his mother._) good woman! look me full in the face.
_Mrs Bar._ Good woman! Mercy on us, Peter! Is it thus you address your
mother?
_Peter._ My mother! I tell you to look in my face.
_Mrs Bar._ Look in your face? Well, sir, I do look in your face; and a
very foolish face you're making of it. Are you mad?
_Peter._ Mad! no, Mrs Bargrove, I'm not mad, but I've discovered all.
_Mrs Bar._ All!
_Peter._ Yes, all. Down on your knees and confess.
_Mrs Bar._ Confess! confess what? Down on my knees too? Why, you
ungracious boy, what do you mean?
_Enter Mr Bargrove, unperceived, who stands aside._
_Peter._ What do I mean? Confess your enormous guilt--the wicked trick
that you played me in my infancy.
_Mrs Bar._ Dear me, dear me, my child is out of his senses.
_Peter._ Madam, I am in my senses, but I am not your child. Woman, you
know it.
_Mrs Bar._ (_weeping_). O dear, O dear!
_Peter._ Tell me, will you confess at once, thou infamous----
[_Old Bargrove comes forward, and knocks Peter down with his cudgel._
_Old Bar._ I can't stand it any longer. What do you mean, you rascal, by
calling your mother infamous?
_Peter_ (_rubbing his head, and getting up slowly_). 'Tis well--'tis
very well I had resolved before to turn you away; now you may expect the
severest chastisement. Take warning this moment, you old----
_Old Bar._ (_lifting up his cudgel_). You old what?
_Peter._ I'll swear the peace against you. Take care what you are about.
This is a violent assault, you know; and you don't know him you are
beating.
_Old Bar._ Don't I?
_Peter._ No, you don't--but I'll tell you. This woman changed me at
nurse, and I can prove it. I--yes--I, humble as I stand here, with my
head broken also--am no less than Peter Etheridge--the young Squire!
_Old Bar._ Look at the almanac, dame. Is the harvest moon at full? He's
mad, indeed!
_Peter._ I am not. Mrs Bargrove, where is your accomplice, Nelly
Armstrong? You see I know all. (_Mrs Bargrove weeps, but makes no
answer._) I say again confess all, and then, perhaps, I may pardon you,
and let your husband keep his place.
_Old Bar._ Keep my place, and so you are Peter Etheridge, are you?
_Peter._ I am, and she knows it well.
_Old Bar._ Well, but I don't. I only know you as my foolish son, Peter
Bargrove, and so long as you are so supposed to be, I shall not permit
you to insult your mother. So, Mr Peter, I'll just take the liberty of
giving you a little wholesome chastisement, which I hope may prove
beneficial.
[_Old Bargrove beats Peter round the room, while Mrs Bargrove tries
to prevent him._
_Peter._ I'll tell my mother, Lady Etheridge! that I will. I'll go
directly.
[_Peter runs off. Mr and Mrs Bargrove sit down. Mrs Bargrove
sobbing._
_Old Bar._ (_panting_). The scoundrel!
_Enter Lucy, in her bonnet, from walking._
_Lucy._ Good Heavens, father, what was all that noise? Mother, why, what
_is_ the matter?
_Old Bar._ Matter enough; here's your brother Peter gone out of his
senses. But I have rubbed him well down with this cudgel.
_Mrs Bar._ (_crying_). He's mad, Lucy, quite mad! Called me an infamous
old woman, and said that I changed him at nurse. He will have it, that
he is Peter Etheridge.
_Lucy_ (_confounded_). Good heavens! how strange! (_Aside_) I hardly
know what to think. That gipsy's knowledge--and now my brother--where
could he have obtained similar information?--yet it cannot be, she is
too good a woman.
_Old Bar._ What do you say, Lucy?
_Lucy._ Nothing, father.
_Old Bar._ Did you ever hear of such conduct?
_Lucy._ He must have been told so, or he never would have been so
violent.
_Old Bar._ So violent! who could have told him such a falsehood? or who
would have believed it for a moment, but a fool like him?
_Mrs Bar._ How could he have known anything about Nelly Armstrong?
_Lucy._ Nelly Armstrong! Did he mention her name?
_Mrs Bar._ Yes; he asked me where she was, and says, that she was my
accomplice.
[_Lucy remains in thought._
_Old Bar._ Lucy, why don't you comfort your mother? One would think you
were leagued with Peter.
_Lucy._ I, father!
_Old Bar._ Yes, you--you are not yourself. Pray have you heard anything
of this before? (_Lucy silent._) Answer me, girl, I say, have you before
heard anything of this?
_Lucy._ I have.
_Old Bar._ And pray from whom?
_Lucy._ From a strange quarter, and most strangely told. I am not well,
father. [_Lucy bursts into tears, and Exit._
_Old Bar._ (_after a pause, looking his wife earnestly in the face_).
Why, Dame Bargrove, how is this? Lucy is not a fool, and she is
evidently of the same opinion as Peter. (_Walks up and down the room,
and betrays much agitation._) Dame, dame, if, for foolish love of thine
own children, and I see that thou lovest the other two, as well, if not
better than, these--if, I say, thou hast done this great wrong, down on
thy knees, and confess it! Guilt can never prosper, and reparation must
be made.
_Mrs Bar._ (_throwing herself on her knees before her husband_). On my
knees, husband, I swear to you, before God, that these children, Peter
and Lucy, were born to me, and are the fruits of our marriage. May I
never prosper in this world, and lose all hope of mercy in the next, if
I speak not now the truth.
_Old Bar._ (_taking up his wife and kissing her_). I do believe thee,
dame, thou hast ever been honest; but there is mischief brewing, and we
must find out who are the authors of this report. Come, cheer up! All
will be discovered, and all will be well.
[_Exeunt ambo; Old Bargrove leading off and caressing Mrs Bargrove._
_Act III. Scene I._
_A wood.--Enter Bill and Dick._
_Dick._ Well, Bill, what do ye say to it--will it do?
_Bill._ Can't tell--been thinking on it all night. Don't much like the
consarn. There be too many on 'en.
_Dick._ Yes, and there be a mortal lot of plate, Bill, all kept in the
butler's pantry. I met a servant at a public-house, who is going away, a
sea chap, drinking malt like a fish, and I wormed all out of him. I
think it be an easy job. The butler be fat and pursey. The Admiral be
old and toothless.
_Bill._ That's all right, so far, Dick; but then there be the two young
officers just come down.
_Dick._ Yes, but I finds that they sleep quite t'other end of the house
altogether; and d'ye see, Bill, the plate be only left out because they
be come to the Hall. When they're off, the best of the pewter will be
all locked up again; so, it's no use to wait till they start off. Come,
what d'ye say, Bill? Jack and Nim be both of my mind. I see'd them this
morning.
_Bill._ (_thoughtfully_). It be hanging matter, Dick.
_Dick._ Why, yes--so it be, if so be as we be found out first, and
caught arterwards--and then go to 'sizes--and then a true bill be
given--and then we be found guilty, and arter all, gets no reprieve; but
there be as many a slip between the noose and the neck, as there be
'tween the cup and the lip.
_Bill._ Well, Dick, I tell ye what, I've no objection to stand outside,
and help carry off.
_Dick._ That be all we wants. One must look to the nag and cart, and
that one must be you. Gie's your hand on it. [_They shake hands._
_Bill._ But I say, Dick, does Nelly know the business in hand?
_Dick._ Not yet.
_Bill._ I've an idea she won't allow it. I heard her talk summit about
conscience--or the like of it.
_Dick._ Talk about fiddlesticks. Show her the pewter and she'll snap her
fingers. Here she comes. I'll let her into the gammon.
_Enter Nelly._
_Nelly._ Well, lads; what's in the wind?
_Dick._ Summit worth sneezing at, Nell. We are up to a rig to-night. Got
a bit of a frolic for pewter.
_Nelly._ Aye, boys, where?
_Dick._ At the Hall here.
_Nelly._ It won't do.
_Dick._ Yes, but it will though.
_Nelly._ Yes it will do for you (_pointing to her neck_). I know the
Hall well. It must not be thought of.
_Dick._ But we _have_ thought on it, and _will_ think on it. We be all
determined, so there be an end of the matter, and an end of your
palaver.
_Nelly._ I say no!
_Dick._ None o' your gammon--pewter arn't to be picked up in the
highways. The thing be settled.
_Nelly._ Think no more on it.
_Dick._ You mind your own business, missus. Go and tell fortunes to
fools and women; leave men alone.
_Nelly._ I can tell your fortune. A dance in the air till you are out of
breath.
_Dick._ Didn't require a wise woman to find out that. (_Aside._) But we
must keep our eyes upon her--she's queer. (_Aloud._) Come Bill. [_Exeunt
Bill and Dick._
_Nelly sola._
Am I so fallen, never to recover? Must I sink deeper and deeper with
these villains? Since I joined them they have never yet attempted
anything like this. Petty theft, to support existence, I have
participated in, but nothing more. Can I retreat? Ah, when I look upon
these hills, and remember the time when I roved here, careless,
innocent, and happy, how often do I wish that I could retrace my steps!
Yonder is the church where I used to pray. How long is it now since I
have dared perform that sacred duty? Yet, how often, since I have
returned to this spot, have I longed to fall upon my knees! But I am an
outcast. Pride and vanity have made me so, and pride has reduced me so
to remain, although I loathe myself, and those connected with me. This
intention of theirs has, however, resolved me. The deed shall not take
place. I will, by some means, warn them at the Hall--a letter, but how
to get it there? It shall be done, and done directly. They can but
murder me if I am discovered, and what is my life now?--a burden to
myself. [_Exit._
_Scene II._
_An Ornamental Shrubbery near the Lodge of the Hall._
_Enter Peter Bargrove._
_Peter._ What a stupid old woman not to confess, after the stars had
told the truth! As to old Bargrove, I will have my revenge upon him.
Beat me! me, Sir Peter's heir to the property! How confounded strong he
is! the old brute! Out of respect to his age, I did not strike him
again; but I should like to see, just like to see the next man who will
venture to lay his stick across _my_ back. Now I'll to the Hall, and
make myself known to Lady Etheridge. How affected she will be! I'll lay
my life there will be a scene. Who comes here? O, the fictitious heir to
the property, Captain Bargrove, as he will find himself in a very short
time. I must hold myself rather high; it will prepare him, as it were,
for the bad news. Poor fellow!
_Enter Captain Etheridge and Mertoun, from the gates of the Lodge._
_Capt. Eth._ (_holding out his hand_). Hail! Peter, my good fellow! how
are you all at home?
_Peter._ (_turning away, and folding his arms_). Pretty well, Captain.
_Capt. Mer._ (_aside_). I say, Etheridge, that's a dead cut; who is your
friend?
_Capt. Eth._ (_astonished_). What's the matter now? I think, Mr Peter,
when I offer my hand, it is not very courteous in you to refuse it.
_Peter._ (_ostentatiously_). Property, Captain, is property. You'll
allow that. My hand is my own, and I have it in possession. You'll allow
that. But there is other property, which at present is not in my
possession, but which you will allow to be hereafter. (_Aside._) That's
a hard hit.
_Capt. Mer._ Property is property, Etheridge, and to judge by his
manners, your friend must have an excess of it in possession.
_Capt. Eth._ Property is property, but I doubt if my friend has much of
it in possession.
_Peter._ No, but I hope to have.
_Capt. Eth._ Well, I hope so too. But what's the matter with you, Peter?
_Peter._ Excessively familiar!
_Capt. Mer._ Upon my word, Etheridge I wonder at your patience. Who is
the brute?
_Peter._ Brute, sir, did you say brute?
_Capt. Mer._ Yes, sir, I did.
_Peter._ Then, sir, if you say brute, I beg to observe to you, sir,
that--that----
_Capt. Mer._ What? Well, sir!
_Peter._ That, sir, a brute is a beast, sir----
_Capt. Mer._ Exactly.
_Peter._ And if that's what you meant, there's no offence. Now, if you
say brute beast----
_Capt. Mer._ Well, sir, I do say so.
_Peter._ You do--you do say so? Well, then, sir, allow me to tell you,
in very positive terms, sir, that you have been guilty of--of tautology.
_Capt. Mer._ Your friend is very harmless, Etheridge.
_Capt. Eth._ I am aware of that; but still I was not prepared for this
impertinence, considering the obligations he is under to my family.
_Peter._ Obligations, sir, what obligations? Do you refer to the
advantages that you had in being educated with me?
_Capt. Eth._ I have ever considered the reverse; and that it was you who
had the advantages, had you had sense enough to profit by them.
_Peter._ Now, observe, there's your mistake.
_Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer._ The fool is mad.
_Peter._ Mad, Captain what's your name?
_Capt. Eth._ Captain what's-your-name, Peter, don't stand insult.
_Peter._ There is no insult. I repeat again, Captain what's-your-name.
Do you know your name?
_Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer._ Why, he's as mad as a March hare.
_Capt. Mer._ Yes, but not so hot as a Welsh rabbit.
_Peter._ A rabbit--that's a boroughmonger! Now I ought to take that up,
it is a downright insult; but perhaps he did not mean it. Captain
what's-your-name, I tell you a secret; you don't know your own name,
no, nor you don't know your station in life.
_Capt. Eth._ I'm sure you forget yours, Mr Peter. How long has this
change taken place?
_Peter._ Ask your nurse. (_Aside._) That was a hard hit; he must smell a
rat now.
_Capt. Eth._ Ask my nurse!
_Capt. Mer._ Ask your granny, Etheridge; upon my soul, it's as good as a
play.
_Capt. Eth._ To the audience, perhaps; but I feel rather inclined to be
in earnest. Hark you, Mr Peter, do you know I am very particular in
payment, and always give every man his due.
_Peter._ That's it exactly. All that I wish is, that you would give me
mine; but if you don't--I shall oblige you, depend upon it.
_Capt. Mer._ I rather expect he will, Etheridge, if he goes on much
longer.
_Peter._ Thank you for taking my part. That's handsome. Perhaps you will
persuade him to do me justice.
_Capt. Mer._ If you had been in my hands, I should have done you justice
long before this.
_Peter._ "There's virtue still extant," as the play has it. Sir, as you
have joined my side, I'll permit you to shake hands with me.
_Capt. Mer._ O certainly! we always do preparatory to a set-to. Now,
then, take my advice--on your guard!
_Peter_ (_aside_). Now I don't fear him. (_Aloud._) Captain
what's-your-name, shall I tell you your fortune?
_Capt. Eth._ O certainly! you look like a conjuror.
_Peter._ It is your fortune, sir, to be under the baleful influence of
the stars, Georgium Sidum and Copernicum. In a few days you will find
your name to be _Bargrove_, and you will have to change situations with
me.
_Capt. Eth._ Indeed!
_Peter._ Yes, Captain Bargrove, so it is. A wicked woman changed us in
our cradles; but the secret is come out, and evidence is at hand. You
must return to obscurity, whilst I emerge from mine. The stars will
have it so. Your fortune's told.
_Capt. Eth._ Nonsense! the fool has been imposed upon. Now, Mr Peter,
I'll tell your fortune.
_Peter._ I thank you. It has been already told to my satisfaction.
_Capt. Eth._ Nevertheless, it must be told again, although, perhaps, not
to your satisfaction. Mr Peter, I can put up with folly, but never with
impertinence. Mars and Saturn are about to be in strong opposition, and
heavy Saturn will soon jump about like Mercury. The stars will have it
so.
_Peter._ I don't comprehend that.
_Capt. Eth._ It shall be explained. You, Peter Bargrove, have been
excessively insolent to me, Edward Etheridge; in consequence, I shall
now take the liberty of giving you a little wholesome correction.
[_Seizes Peter by the collar._
_Capt. Mer._ Don't use violence to the natural. He offends more in
ignorance than malice.
_Peter._ Thank you, sir. I see that you are a well-behaved gentleman. O
sir! sir! 'tis a vile, ungrateful world. I intended to do something for
that young man. (_Captain Etheridge shakes him._) Why, yes, I did. I not
only intended to allow you forty pounds a year, but to do what would be
more agreeable to your sister Agnes.
_Capt. Eth._ Agreeable to Miss Etheridge! What do you mean, sir?
_Peter._ Mean--why, I'm not quite sure--recollect, I don't promise; but
I was thinking of marrying her. (_Captain Mertoun flies at him, and
seizes him by the collar on the other side. They both shake him
violently._)
_Capt. Eth._} {my sister, }
} You marry { } you scoundrel!
_Capt. Mer._} {Miss Etheridge, }
_Capt. Mer._ (_letting him go_). I am sorry that I was provoked to lay
hands on him. Etheridge, I'll leave his chastisement entirely to you.
_Peter._ Thank you, sir; I always thought ye were on my side. I suppose
that was a mistake just now.
_Capt. Mer._ I certainly had no right to interfere between you and
Captain Etheridge.
_Capt. Eth._ (_still holding Peter by the collar_). But, Mr Peter, we do
not part yet. You may have made your peace with Captain Mertoun, but not
with me. How dare you insult me thus?
_Peter._ I insult you! (_To Captain Mertoun._) Arn't you of my side?
_Capt. Mer._ (_laughing_). Yes; if you are knocked down, I, as your
second, will help you up again, no more.
_Peter._ Well--but I'm not a nine-pin. Why not prevent him from knocking
me down?
_Capt. Mer._ The stars won't permit that.
_Capt. Eth._ And the stars ordain this. (_Lifting his cane._)
_Peter._ Captain Etheridge, one word; let go my collar, behave like a
reasonable man, and I now promise, upon my word of honour, that I will
elevate your sister to my--nuptial bed. (_Captain Mertoun shakes his
cane, and makes signs to Captain Etheridge to thrash him._)
_Capt. Eth._ I can bear no more. (_Beats Peter round the stage._)
_Peter._ Oh! oh! My stars again. Why don't you help me, sir?
_Capt. Mer._ You are not down yet, Peter. (_Captain Etheridge continues
striking._)
_Peter_ (_throwing himself down, and panting_). Now I am.
_Capt. Mer._ Yes, and now I may help you up. Then you may go at it
again.
_Peter._ What! am I to have more of it if I am up?
_Capt. Mer._ I rather suspect so.
_Peter._ Then I prefer lying here. You need not wait, Captain Bargrove.
I sha'n't get up this half-hour. (_Rubbing his shoulders._)
_Capt. Eth._ You observe, Peter, I told you your fortune correctly. The
stars would have it so. I hope, when next we meet, you will be a little
more reasonable, and also a little more respectful. If not, I hold your
fortune in my hands. (_Holding up his cane._)
_Peter._ Didn't I tell you that you did? Why don't you return it like an
honest man? As I said before, I'll make you an allowance.
_Capt. Eth._ That's more than I will for you, if I have any more
impertinence. Come, Mertoun, he'll not come to time, that's clear.
_Capt. Mer._ No, nor to his fortune or title either, I'm afraid. Good
morning, Peter. Ha! ha! ha!
_Capt. Eth._ Farewell, Sir Peter! Ha! ha! ha! [_Exeunt Captains Mertoun
and Etheridge._
_Peter_ (_sitting up_). _Come to time_--nor to my title and fortune.
Well, I hope they'll both come to the gallows. I thought of that as a
repartee when they were here, but it was too good to be thrown away upon
them. (_Rises._) It _is_ very odd that nobody will believe me when the
facts are so plain. As Shakespeare says, the "ladder of my ambition is
so hard to climb." I presume these are all the sticks I am to get up by.
I'm almost tired of it already; but, however, after two misses comes a
hit; and I'll try the last. Now to Lady Etheridge, discover myself to
her, sob upon her bosom, as the gipsy foretold I should; and then if she
is but on my side, why I defy all the men in the family. [_Exit._
_Scene III._
_A parlour in the homestead._
_Enter Old Bargrove and Mrs Bargrove._
_Old Bar._ Why, dame, I can make nothing out of it. I have questioned
Lucy as closely as possible, and it appears that it was a gipsy woman
who told their fortunes. But still, as Lucy told me the story, there is
something very strange about it.