good musquet on my shoulder from the camp down through the Breisgau,
being minded at this same Christmas-tide to receive at Strassburg
twenty thalers sent to me by my brother-in-law, and then to betake
myself down the Rhine with the traders, since now there were no
Emperor's garrisons on the road. But when I was now past Endingen and
came to a lonely house, a shot was fired at me so close that the ball
grazed the rim of my hat, and forthwith there sprang out upon me a
strong, broad-shouldered fellow, crying to me to lay down my gun. So I
answered, "By God, my friend, not to please thee," and therewith cocked
my piece. Thereupon he whipped out a monstrous thing that was more like
to a headsman's sword than a rapier, and rushed upon me: and now that I
saw his true intent I pulled the trigger and hit him so fair on the
forehead that he reeled, and at last fell. So to take my advantage of
this I quickly wrested his sword out of his hand and would have run him
through with it, but it would not pierce him; and then suddenly he
sprang to his feet and seized me by the hair and I him, but his sword I
had thrown away. So upon that we began such a serious game together as
plainly shewed the bitter rage of each against the other, and yet could
neither be the other's master: now was I on top, and now he, and for a
moment both on our feet, which lasted not long, for each would have the
other's life. But as the blood gushed out in streams from my nose and
mouth I spat it into mine enemy's face, since he so greatly desired it:
and that served me well, for it hindered him from seeing. And so we
hauled each other about in the snow for more than an hour, till we were
so weary that to all appearance the weakness of one could not, with
fists alone, have overcome the weariness of the other; nor could either
have compassed the death of the other of his own strength and without
weapon. Yet the art of wrestling, wherein I had often exercised myself
at Lippstadt, now served me well, or I had doubtless paid the penalty:
for my enemy was stronger than I, and moreover proof against steel. So
when we had wearied us wellnigh to death says he at last, "Brother,
hold, I cry you mercy."
So says I, "Nay, thou hadst best have let me pass at the first." "And
what profit hast thou if I die?" quoth he. "Yea," said I, "and what
profit hadst thou had if thou hadst shot me dead, seeing that I have
not a penny in my pocket?" On that he begged my pardon, and I granted
it, and suffered him to stand up after he had sworn to me solemnly that
he would not only keep the peace but would be my faithful friend and
servant. Yet had I neither believed nor trusted him had I then known of
the villainies he had already wrought. But when we were on our feet we
shook hands upon this, that what had happened should be forgotten, and
each wondered that he had found his master in the other; for he
supposed that I was clad in the same rogue's hide as himself: and that
I suffered him to believe, lest when he had gotten his gun again he
should once more attack me. He had from my bullet a great bruise on his
forehead, and I too had lost much blood. Yet both were sorest about our
necks, which were so twisted that neither could hold his head upright.
But as it drew towards evening, and my adversary told me that till I
came to the Kinzig I should meet neither dog nor cat, still less a man,
whereas he had in a lonely hut not far from the road a good piece of
meat and a draught of the best, I let myself be persuaded and went with
him, he protesting with sighs all the way how it grieved him to have
done me a hurt.
_Chap. xiii._: HOW OLIVER CONCEIVED THAT HE COULD EXCUSE HIS BRIGAND'S
TRICKS
A determined soldier whose business it is to hold his life cheap and to
adventure it easily, is but a stupid creature. Out of a thousand
fellows you could hardly have found one that would have gone as a guest
to an unknown place with one that had even now tried to murder him. On
the way I asked him which army he was of. So he said, he served no
prince but was his own master, and asked of what party I was. I
answered I had served the Duke of Weimar but had now my discharge, and
was minded to betake myself home. Then he asked my name, and when I
said "Simplicius" he turned him round (for I made him walk before me
because I trusted him not) and looked me straight in the face. "Is not
thy name also Simplicissimus?" quoth he. "Yea," says I, "he is a rogue
that denies his own name: and who art thou?" "Why, brother," he
answered, "I am Oliver, whom thou wilt surely remember before
Magdeburg." With that he cast away his gun and fell on his knees to beg
for my pardon that he had meant to do me an ill turn, saying he could
well conceive he could have no better friend in the world than he would
find in me, since according to old Herzbruder's prophecy I was so
bravely to avenge his death. And I for my part did wonder at so strange
a meeting, but he said, "This is nothing new: mountain and valley can
never meet, but what is truly strange is this, that I from a secretary
have become a footpad and thou from a fool a brave soldier. Be ye sure,
brother, that if there were ten thousand like us, we could relieve
Breisach to-morrow and in the end make ourselves masters of the whole
world."
With such talk we came at nightfall to a little remote labourer's
cottage: and though such boasting pleased me not, yet I said "Yea,"
chiefly because his rogue's temper was well known to me, and though I
trusted him not at all, yet went I with him into the said house, in
which a peasant was even then lighting a fire: to him said Oliver,
"Hast thou aught ready cooked?" "Nay," said the peasant, "but I have
still the cold leg of veal that I brought from Waldkirch." "Well then,"
said Oliver, "go bring it here and likewise the little cask of wine."
So when the peasant was gone, "Brother," said I (for so I called him to
be safer with him) "thou hast a willing host." "Oh, devil thank the
rogue," says he, "I do keep his wife and child for him and also he doth
earn good booty for himself; for I do leave for him all the clothes
that I capture, for him to turn to his own profit." So I asked where he
kept his wife and child; to which Oliver answered, he had them in
safety in Freiburg, where he visited them twice a week, and brought him
from thence his food, as well as powder and shot. And further he told
me he had long practised this freebooter's trade, and that it profited
him more than to serve any lord: nor did he think to give it up till he
had properly filled his purse. "Brother," says I, "thou livest in a
dangerous estate, and if thou art caught in such a villainy, how
thinkest thou 'twould fare with thee?" "Aha," says he, "I perceive thou
art still the old Simplicissimus: I know well that he that would win
must stake somewhat: but remember that their lordships[31] of Nuremberg
hang no man till they catch him." So I answered, "Yea, but put the
case, brother, that thou art not caught, which is yet but unlikely,
since the pitcher that goes often to the well must break at last, yet
is such a life as thou leadest the most shameful in the world, so that
I scarce can believe thou canst desire to die in it."
"What?" says he, "the most shameful? My brave Simplicissimus, I assure
thee that robbery is the most noble exercise that one in these days can
find in the world. Tell me how many kingdoms and principalities be
there that have not been stolen by violence and so taken. Or is it ever
counted for evil of a king or a prince in the whole world that he
enjoys the revenues of his lands, which commonly have been gained by
his forefathers with violence and conquest? Yea, what could be named
more noble than the trade that I now follow? I well perceive that thou
wouldst fain preach me a sermon showing how many have been hanged,
drawn, and quartered for murder and robbery: but that I know already,
for so the laws do command: yet wilt thou see none but poor and
miserable thieves so put to death, as they indeed deserve for
undertaking this noble craft, which is reserved for men of high parts
and capacity. But when hast thou ever seen a person of quality punished
by justice for that he has oppressed his people too much? Yea, and more
than that, when is the usurer punished, that yet doth pursue this noble
trade in secret, and that too under the cloak of Christian love? Why,
then, should I be punishable, I that practise it openly without
concealment or hypocrisy? My good Simplicissimus, thou hast never read
thy Machiavel. I am a man of honest mood, and do follow this manner of
life openly and without shame. I do fight and do adventure my life upon
it like the heroes of old, and do know that such trades, and likewise
he that follows them, stand ever in peril: but since I do adventure my
life thereupon, it doth follow without contradiction that 'tis but just
and fair I should be allowed to follow my trade."
To that I answered, "Whether robbery and theft be allowed to thee or
not, yet do I know that this is against the order of nature, that will
not have it so that any man should do to another what he would not have
done to himself. And this is wrong, too, as against the laws of this
world, which ordain that thieves shall be hanged and robbers beheaded
and murderers broken on the wheel: and lastly, 'tis also against the
laws of God, which is the chiefest point of all: for He doth leave no
sin unpunished." "Yea," said Oliver, "'tis as I said: thou art still
the same old Simplicissimus that hath not yet studied his Machiavel:
but if I could but set up a monarchy in this fashion, then would I fain
see who would preach to me against it."
And so had we disputed longer: but then came the peasant with meat and
drink, and so we sat together and appeased our hunger, of which I at
least had much need.
_Chap. xiv._: HOW OLIVER EXPLAINED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO HIS OWN
PROFIT, AND SO CAME TO LOVE HIS WORST ENEMY
Our food was white bread and a cold leg of veal. And moreover we had a
good sup of wine and a warm room. "Aha! Simplicissimus," said Oliver,
"'tis better here than in the trenches before Breisach." "True," said
I, "if one could enjoy such a life with safety and a good conscience."
At that he laughed loud, and says he, "Yea, are the poor devils in the
trenches safer than we, that must every moment expect a sally of the
garrison? My good Simplicissimus, I do plainly see that, though thou
hast cast aside thy fool's cap, thou hast kept thy fool's head, that
cannot understand what is good and what is bad. And if thou wert any
but that same Simplicissimus that after Herzbruder's prophecy must
avenge my death, I would make thee to confess that I do lead a nobler
life than any baron." With that I did think, "How will it go now? Thou
must devise another manner of speech, or this barbarous creature with
the help of his peasant may well make an end of thee." So says I, "Who
did ever hear at any time that the scholar should know more than the
master? And so, brother, if thou hast so happy a life as thou dost
pretend, give me a share in thy good luck, for of good luck I have
great need."
To which Oliver answered, "Brother, be thou assured that I love thee as
mine own self, and that the affront I put upon thee to-day doth pain me
more than the bullet wherewith thou didst wound my forehead, when thou
didst so defend thyself as should any proper man of courage. Therefore
why should I deny thee anything? If it please thee, stay thou here with
me: I will provide for thee as for myself. Or if thou hast no desire to
stay with me, then will I give thee a good purse of money and go with
thee whithersoever thou wilt. And that thou mayest believe that these
words do come from my heart, I will tell thee the reason wherefore I do
hold thee in such esteem: thou dost know how rightly old Herzbruder did
hit it off with his prophecies: and look you, that same did so prophesy
to me when we lay before Magdeburg, saying, 'Oliver, look upon our fool
as thou wilt, yet will he astonish thee by his courage, and play thee
the worst tricks thou hast ever known, for which thou shalt give him
good cause at a time when ye know not one another. Yet will he not only
spare thy life when it is in his hands, but after a long time he will
come to the place where thou art to be slain: and there will he avenge
thy death.' And for the sake of this prophecy, my dear Simplicissimus,
am I ready to share with thee the very heart in my breast. For already
is a part of that prophecy fulfilled, seeing that I gave thee good
reason to shoot me in the head like a valiant soldier and to take my
sword from me (which no other hath ever done) and to grant me my life,
when I lay under thee and was choking in blood: and so I doubt not that
the rest of the prophecy which concerns my life shall be fulfilled. And
from this matter of the revenge I must conclude, brother, that thou art
my true friend, for an thou wert not, thou wouldest not take upon thee
to avenge me. And now thou hast the innermost thoughts of my heart: so
now do thou tell me what thou art minded to do." Upon that I thought,
"The devil trust thee, for I do not: if I take money from thee for the
journey I may well be the first whom thou slayest: and if I stay with
thee I must expect some time to be hanged with thee." So I determined I
would befool him, tarrying with him till I could find opportunity to be
quit of him: and so I said if he would suffer me I would stay with him
a day or a week to see if I could accustom myself to his manner of
life: and if it pleased me he should find in me a true friend and a
good soldier: and if it pleased me not, we could at any time part in
peace. And on that he drank to my health, yet I trusted him not, and
feigned to be drunken before I was so, to see if he would be at me when
I could not defend myself.
Meanwhile the fleas did mightily plague me, whereof I had brought good
store from Breisach; for when it grew warm they were no longer content
to remain in my rags but walked abroad to take their pleasure. Of that
Oliver was aware, and asked me had I lice? To which I answered, "Yea,
indeed, and more than I can hope to have ducats in my life." "Say not
so," said Oliver, "for if thou wilt abide with me thou canst earn more
ducats than thou hast lice now." I answered, "'Tis as impossible as
that I can be quit of my lice." "Yea," says he, "but both are
possible": and with that he commanded the peasant to fetch me a suit
that lay in a hollow tree near the house; which was a grey hat, a cape
of elk-skin, a pair of scarlet breeches, and a grey coat: and shoes and
stockings would he give me next day. So as I saw him so generous I
trusted him somewhat better than before, and went to bed content.
_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS THOUGHT MORE PIOUSLY WHEN HE WENT
A-PLUNDERING THAN DID OLIVER WHEN HE WENT TO CHURCH
So the next morning, as day began to break, says Oliver, "Up,
Simplicissimus; we will fare forth in God's name to see what we can
come by." "Good Lord," thought I, "must I then in thy holy name go
a-thieving?" I that aforetime when I left my good hermit could not hear
without marvelling when one man said to another, "Come, brother, we
will in God's name take off a cup of wine together"? for that I counted
a double sin, that a man should be drunken, and drunken in God's name.
"My heavenly Father," thought I, "how am I changed since then! My
faithful Lord, what will at last become of me if I turn not? Oh! check
thou my course, that will assuredly bring me to hell if I repent not."
So speaking and so thinking did I follow Oliver to a village wherein
was no living creature: and there to have a better view we did go up
into the church steeple: there had he in hiding the shoes and stockings
that he had promised me the night before, and moreover two loaves of
bread, some pieces of dried meat, and a barrel half full of wine, which
would have easily afforded him provision for a week. So while I was
putting on what he gave me he told me here was the place where he was
wont to wait when he hoped for good booty, to which end he had so well
provisioned himself, and, in a word, told me he had several such
places, provided with meat and drink, so that if he could not find a
friend at home in one place he might catch him elsewhere. For this must
I praise his prudence, yet gave him to understand that 'twas not well
so to misuse a place that was dedicated to God's service. "What," says
he, "misuse? The churches themselves if they could speak would confess
that what I do in them is naught in comparison with the sins that have
aforetime been committed in them. How many a man and how many a woman,
thinkst thou, have come into this church since it was built, on
pretence of serving God, but truly only to shew their new clothes,
their fine figure, and all their bravery! Here cometh one into church
like a peacock and putteth himself so before the altar as he would pray
the very feet off the saints' images! And there standeth another in a
corner to sigh like the publican in the temple, which sighs be yet only
for his mistress on whose face he feedeth his eyes, yea, for whose sake
he is come thither. Another cometh to the church with a packet of
papers like one that gathereth contributions for a fire, yet more to
put his debtors in mind than to pray: and an he had not known those
debtors would be in the church he had sat at home over his ledgers.
Yea, it doth happen often that when our masters will give notice of
aught to a parish, it must be done of a Sunday in the church, for which
reason many a farmer doth fear the church more than any poor sinner
doth fear the judge and jury. And thinkest thou not there be many
buried in churches that have deserved sword, gallows, fire, and wheel?
Many a man could not have brought his lecherous intent to a good end
had not the church helped him. Is a bargain to be driven or a loan to
be granted, 'tis done at the church door. Many a usurer there is that
can spare no time in the week to reckon up his rogueries, that can sit
in church of a Sunday and devise how to practise fresh villainies. Yea,
here they sit during mass and sermon to argue and talk as if the Church
were built for such purpose only: and there be matters talked of that
in private houses none would speak about. Some do sit and snore as if
they had hired the place to sleep in: and some do naught but gossip of
others and do whisper, 'How well did the pastor touch up this one or
that one in his sermon!' and others do give heed to the discourse but
for this reason only! not to be bettered by it, but that they may carp
at and blame their minister if he do but stumble once at a word (as
they understand the matter). And here will I say naught of the stories
I have read of amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a
church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet
canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices
while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they
be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and
epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured
do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more
shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than
in many an armoury: so that 'tis no wonder that in this war the
peasants have fought for their own in churches as if 'twere in
fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me--to me, I
say, as a soldier--to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime
two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a
blood-bath in a church[32] that 'twas more like to a slaughter-house
than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do
God's service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were
clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And
why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when
so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a
fee be buried in the church to bear witness of his own pride and his
friends' pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a
Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be
buried in a corner without? 'Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but
known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had
devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile have thou
patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind."
Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows
that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have
their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled
with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had
fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had
had the jester's clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg.
Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed
him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have
strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this
manner to tell me of his wicked life.
_Chap. xvi._: OF OLIVER'S DESCENT, AND HOW HE BEHAVED IN HIS YOUTH, AND
SPECIALLY AT SCHOOL
"My father," said Oliver, was born not far from Aachen town of poor
parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich
trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so
well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon, and set
him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph. And that was well
for both parties, for the merchant's wealth grew more and more through
my father's zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder
through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and
despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he
was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an
aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not
barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my
father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not
moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden's garland
again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed,
not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also
because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in
especial could well wield the Jews' Spear.[33] And so by this marriage
was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for
his wealth's sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in
clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance
like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine
than silver and gold.
"So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I
was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was
too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to
do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with
young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was
already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get
beat, my foolish parents would say, 'How now? Is a great fellow like
that to beat a mere child?' But if I won (for I would scratch and bite
and throw stones), then said they, 'Our little Oliver will turn out a
fine fellow.' And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet
too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, 'twas said I knew not
what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and
there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet
dare not practise. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would
buy me others lest my miserly father should be wroth. My schoolmaster
did I plague most, for he might not deal with me hardly, receiving many
presents from my parents, whose foolish love to me was well known to
him. In summer would I catch crickets and bring them secretly into the
schoolroom, where they did play a merry tune. In winter would I steal
snuff and scatter it in that place where 'tis the custom to whip the
boys. And so if any stiff-necked scholar should struggle my powder
would fly about and cause an agreeable pastime: for then must all
sneeze together.
"So now I deemed myself too great a man for small roguery, but all my
striving was for higher things. Often would I steal from one and put
what I had stolen in another's pouch to earn him stripes, and with
these tricks was I so sly that I was scarce ever caught. And of the
wars we waged (wherein I was commonly colonel) and the blows I
received--for I had ever a scratched face and a head full of bruises--I
need not to speak: for every man doth know how boys do behave: and so
from what I have said canst thou easily guess how in other respects I
spent my youth."
_Chap. xviii._: HOW HE STUDIED AT LIÈGE, AND HOW HE THERE DEMEANED
HIMSELF
"Now the more my father's riches increased, the more flatterers and
parasites he had round him, all which did praise my fine capacities for
study, but said no word of all my other faults or at least would excuse
them, seeing well that any that did not so could never stand well with
my father and mother. And so had they more pleasure in their son than
ever had a tomtit that has reared a young cuckoo. So they hired for me
a special tutor, and sent me with him to Liège, more to learn foreign
tongues than to study: for I was to be no theologian, but a trader. He,
moreover, had his orders not to be hard with me, lest that should breed
in me a fearful and servile spirit. He was to allow me freely to
consort with the students, lest I might become shamefaced, and must
remember that 'twas to make, not a monk, but a man of the world of me,
one that should know the difference between black and white.
"But my said tutor needed no such instruction, being of himself given
to all manner of knaveries. And how could he forbid me such or rebuke
me for my little faults when he himself committed greater? To wine and
women was he by nature most inclined, but I to wrestling and fighting:
so did I prowl about the streets at night with him and his likes and
learned of him in brief space more lechery than Latin. But as to my
studies, therein I could rely on a good memory and a keen wit, and was
therefore the more careless, but for the rest I was sunk in all manner
of vice, roguery, and wantonness: and already was my conscience so wide
that one could have driven a waggon and horses through it. I heeded
nothing if I could but read Berni or Burchiello or Aretine during the
sermon in church: nor did I hear any part of the service with greater
joy than when 'twas said 'Ite missa est.'
"All which time I thought no little of myself but carried me right
foppishly: every day was for me a feast-day, and because I behaved
myself as a man of estate, and spent not only the great sums that
my father sent me for my needs, but also my mother's plentiful
pocket-money, therefore the women began to pay us court, but specially
to my tutor. From these baggages I learned to wench and to game: how to
quarrel, to wrestle, and to fight I knew well before, and my tutor in
no wise forbade my debaucheries, since he himself was glad to take part
in them. So for a year and a half did this monstrous fine life endure,
till my father did hear of it from one that was his factor in Liège,
with whom indeed we had at first lodged: this man received orders to
keep a sharper eye upon us, to dismiss my tutor at once, to shorten my
tether, and to examine into my expense more carefully. Which vexed us
both mightily: and though he, my tutor, had now his congé, yet did we
hold together, one way or the other, both by day and night: yet since
we could no longer spend money as before, we did join ourselves to a
rogue that robbed folks of their cloaks at night; yea, or did drown
them in the Meuse: and what we in this fashion earned with desperate
peril of our lives, that we squandered with our whores, and let all
studies go their way.
"So one night as we, after our custom, were prowling by night, to
plunder students of their cloaks, we were overcome, my tutor run
through the body, and I, with five others that were right rascals,
caught and laid by the heels: and next day we being examined and I
naming my father's factor, that was a man much respected, the same was
sent for, questioned concerning me, and I on his surety set free, yet
so that I must remain in his house in arrest till further order taken.
Meanwhile was my tutor buried, the other five punished as rogues,
robbers and murderers, and my father informed of my case: upon which he
came himself with all haste to Liège, settled my business with money,
preached me a sharp sermon, and shewed me what trouble and unhappiness
I had caused him, yea, and told me it seemed as my mother would go
desperate by reason of my ill conduct: and further threatened me, in
case I did not behave better, he would disinherit me and send me
packing to the devil. So I promised amendment and rode home with him:
and so ended my studies."
_Chap. xviii._: OF THE HOMECOMING AND DEPARTURE OF THIS WORSHIPFUL
STUDENT, AND HOW HE SOUGHT TO OBTAIN ADVANCEMENT IN THE WARS
"But when my father had me safely home, he found I was in very truth
spoiled. I had proved no worshipful dominie as he had hoped, but a
quarreller and a braggart, that imagined he knew everything. So hardly
was I warm at home when he said to me, 'Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine
asses' ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the
ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art
thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand
and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I
accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did
hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I
buy thee out of the hangman's hand. Oh fie, for shame! 'Twere best I
should set thee in a treadmill and let thee eat the bread of affliction
till some better luck arise for thee, when thou shalt have purged thee
of thine iniquities.'
"Now when I must day by day hear such lectures, at the last was I out
of all patience, and told my father roundly I was not guilty of all,
but he and my tutor, that led me astray: and had he no joy of me, so
was he rightly served, that had given his parents no joy of him, but
had let them come to beggary and starvation. On that he reached for a
stick and would have paid me for my plain speaking, swearing loud and
long he would have me to the House of Correction at Amsterdam. So away
I went, and the same night betook me to his newly bought farm, watched
my opportunity, and rode off to Cologne on the best horse I could find
in his stables.
"This horse did I sell, and forthwith lit upon even such a crew of
rogues and thieves as I had left at Liège. So at play they did know me
for what I was and I them, for both did know so much. Straightway I was
made one of their brotherhood, and was their helper in their nightly
excursions. Yet when presently one of our band was caught in the Old
Market as he would relieve a lady of quality of her heavy purse, and
specially when I had seen him stand an hour in the pillory with an iron
collar on, and, further, had seen one of his ears cut off and himself
well whipped, that trade pleased me no more, but I enlisted as a
soldier: for just then the colonel with whom we served before Magdeburg
was a-recruiting. Meanwhile had my father learned where I was, and so
did write to his factor he should inquire concerning me: which befell
even then when I had drawn my first pay: and that the factor told my
father, which gave orders that he should buy me out, cost it what it
might: but when I heard that, I had fear of the House of Correction,
and so would not be bought out. Through this was my colonel aware I was
a rich merchant's son, and so fixed his price so high that my father
left me as I was, intending to let me kick my heels awhile in the wars
and so perchance come to a better mind.
"'Twas not long before it happened that my colonel's writer died, in
whose place he employed me, as thou knowest. And thereupon I began to
have high thoughts, in hope to rise from one rank to another, and so in
the end to become a general. From our secretary I did learn how to
carry myself, and my intent to grow to a great man caused me to behave
myself as a man of honour and repute, and no longer, as of old time, to
play rogues' tricks. Yet had I no luck till our secretary died, and
then methought, 'Thou must see to it that thou hast his place.' And all
I could I spent: for when my mother heard I had begun to do well she
ever sent me moneys. Yet because young Herzbruder was beloved by our
colonel and was preferred to me, I purposed to have him out of the way,
specially because I was sure the colonel would give him the secretary's
place. And at the delaying of the promotion which I so much desired I
was so impatient that I had me made bullet proof by our Provost, so to
fight with Herzbruder and settle matters by the sword: yet could I not
civilly come at him. Yea, and our Provost warned me from my purpose and
said, 'Even if thou makest him a sacrifice, yet will it do thee more
harm than good, for thou wilt but have murdered the colonel's
favourite.'
"Yet did he advise me I should steal somewhat in Herzbruder's presence
and give it to him: for so could he bring it about that he should lose
the colonel's favour. To that I agreed, and stole the parcel-gilt cup
at the colonel's christening-feast and gave it to the Provost, by means
of which he rid me of young Herzbruder, as thou wilt surely remember,
even then when he, by his sorcery, filled thy pockets with puppies."
_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FULFILLED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO
OLIVER BEFORE YET EITHER KNEW THE OTHER
All was green and yellow before mine eyes when I must so hear from
Oliver's own mouth how he had gone about with my best friend, and yet I
could take no revenge: mine inclination thereto I must needs pocket up
lest he should mark it: and so begged he should tell me how it had
further fared with him before the battle at Wittstock. "Why, in that
encounter," said Oliver, "I carried myself like no quill-driver that is
set upon his inkstand, but like a good soldier, being well mounted and
bullet-proof, and moreover being counted in no squadron: for so could I
show my proper valour, as one that doth mean to rise higher by his
sword or to die. So did I fly around our brigade like a whirlwind, both
to exercise myself and to shew our men I was more fit for arms than for
the pen. Yet all availed nothing, for the Swedes' luck prevailed, and I
must share the ill-fortune of our folk and must accept that quarter
which a little before I would have given to no man.
"So was I with the other prisoners put into a foot regiment, which same
was presently sent away to Pomerania on furlough: where, since there
were many raw recruits, and I had shown a very notable courage, I was
promoted corporal. Yet I was minded to make no long stay there, but as
soon as might be to return to the emperor's service, to which party I
was ever most affected, and that although doubtless my advancement had
been far quicker among the Swedes. And my escape I brought to pass
thus. I was sent out with seven musqueteers to a neighbouring post to
demand the contribution, which was in arrears: and so having got
together some eight hundred gulden or more, I shewed my fellows the
gold and caused their eyes to lust after it, so much so that we agreed
to divide the same and so make our escape. This being settled, I did
persuade three of them to help me to shoot the other four dead, and
such being accomplished we divided the money, namely, 200 gulden to
each: and with that we marched off to Westphalia. Yet on the way did I
persuade one of the three to help me to knock the other two on the
head; and then when we two were to divide the spoil I did make an end
with the last man, and so came by good luck safely with the money to
Wesel, where I took up my quarters and made merry with my money.
"But when this was now nearly spent, and I still had my love of fine
living, then did I hear of a certain young soldier of Soest and what
fine booty he had gained, and what a name he had earned: and so was I
heartened up to follow in his footsteps. And as they called him, by
reason of his green clothing, the Huntsman, so did I have such green
raiment made for myself, and under his name did so plunder and steal in
his and our own quarters, and that with every circumstance of wanton
mischief, that it came near to this, that foraging parties should be
forbidden on both sides. He ('tis true) stayed at home, but when I
still went on a-mousing in his name all I could, then did that same
huntsman for that same reason challenge me. But the devil might fight
with him: for, as 'twas told me, he had ever the devil in his jacket:
and that devil had soon made an end of my wound-proof. Yet could I not
escape his craft, for with the help of a servant of his did he beguile
me with my comrade into a sheep-fold, and there would force me, in the
presence of two living devils that were his seconders by his side, to
fight with him by moonlight. Which when I refused, they did compel me
to the most contemptible actions in the world, and that my comrade soon
spread abroad: of which I was so shamed that I up and away to Lippstadt
and there took service with the Hessians: yet there I remained not
long, where none could trust me, but tramped away further to the Dutch.
And there did I find, 'tis true, more punctual payment, but too slow a
war for my humour: for there were we kept in like monks and must live
as chastely as nuns.
"So since I could no more shew my face among either Imperials, Swedes
or Hessians, had I been willing wantonly to run the risk, as having
deserted from all three, and since I could now no longer stay with the
Hollanders, having violently deflowered a maiden, which act seemed
likely presently to bring about its results, I thought to take refuge
with the Spaniards, in the hope to escape home from them and to see how
my parents fared. Yet as I set about that plan I missed my points of
the compass so foully that I fell among the Bavarians, with whom I
marched among the Merodians, from Westphalia as far as the Breisgau,
and earned me a living by dicing and stealing. When I had aught I spent
my day on the gaming-ground and my night among the sutlers: had I
naught, I stole what I could, and often in a day two or three horses,
both from pasture and from stables, sold them, and gamed away what I
got, and then at night I would burrow under the soldiers' tents and
steal away their purses from under their very heads. Were we on the
march I would keep a watchful eye on the portmantles that the women did
carry behind them; these would I cut away. And so I kept myself alive
till the battle before Wittenweier, wherein I was made prisoner, once
more thrust into a foot-regiment, and so made one of Weimar's soldiers.
But the camp before Breisach liked me not, so I left it early and went
off to forage for myself, as thou seest I do. And be thou well assured,
brother, that already I have laid low many a proud fellow and have
earned a noble stock of money: nor am I minded to cease till I see I
can get no more. And now it doth come to thy turn to tell me of thy
life and fortunes."
_Chap. xx._: HOW IT DOTH FARE WITH A MAN ON WHOM EVIL FORTUNE DOTH RAIN
CATS AND DOGS
Now when Oliver had ended his discourse, I could not enough admire the
Providence of God. Now could I understand how the good God had not
alone protected me like a father from this monster in Westphalia, but
had, moreover, so brought it about that he should go in fear of me. Now
could I see what a trick I had played on him, to which the old
Herzbruder's prophecy did apply, yet which he himself expounded, as may
be seen in the fourteenth chapter, in another way, and that to my great
profit. For had this beast but known I was the Huntsman of Soest he had
surely made me drink of the same cup I served to him before at the
sheep-fold. I considered, moreover, how wisely and darkly Herzbruder
had delivered his predictions, and thought in myself that, though his
prophecies were wont commonly to turn out true, yet 'twould go hard and
must happen strangely if I was to revenge the death of one that had
deserved the wheel and the gallows: I found it also good for my health
that I had not first told him of my life, for so had I told him the way
how I before had disgraced him. And as I thought thereupon, I did mark
in Oliver's face certain scratches that he had not at Magdeburg, and so
did conceive that these scars were the tokens of Jump-i'-th'-field,
when at that former time he, in the likeness of a devil, did thus
scrabble his face, and so asked him whence he had those signs, adding
thereto that, though he had told me his whole life, yet I must gather
that he had left out the best part, since he had not yet told me who
had so marked him.
"Ah, brother," answered he, "were I to tell all my tricks and rogueries
the time would be too long both for you and me: yet to shew thee that I
conceal from thee none of my adventures I will tell thee the truth of
this, though methinks 'tis but a sorry story for me.
"I am fully assured that from my mother's womb I was predestined to a
scratched face, for in my very childhood I was so treated by my
schoolfellows when I wrangled with them: and so likewise one of those
devils that waited on the Huntsman of Soest handled me so roughly that
six weeks long one could see the marks of his claws in my face: but the
scars thou seest in my face had another beginning, to wit this. When I
lay in winter quarters with the Swedes in Pomerania, and had a fair
mistress by me, mine host must leave his bed, for us to lie there: but
his cat that had been used to sleep therein would come every night and
plague us, as one that could not so easily spare her wonted bed-place
as her master and mistress had done: this did vex my wench (that could
at no time abide a cat) so sore that she did swear loudly she would
shew me no more favour till I had made an end of this cat. So being
desirous to have her society yet, I devised how not only to please her
but so to avenge myself of the cat as to have sport therein. With that
I packed the beast in a bag, took my host's two great watch-dogs (which
at any time had no love for cats, but were familiar with me), and the
cat in the sack, to a broad and pleasant meadow, and there thought to
have my jest, for I deemed, since there was no tree hard by for the cat
to escape to, that the dogs would chase her up and down for a while on
the plain like a hare, and so would afford me fine pastime. But zounds;
it turned out for me not only dogs' luck, as people say, but cats' luck
(which sort of luck few can have known or 'twould assuredly long ago
have been made a proverb of), since the cat, when I did open the bag,
seeing only an open field and on it her two fierce enemies, and nothing
high whereto she could escape, would not so easily take the field and
so be torn to pieces, but betook herself to mine own head as finding no
higher place, and as I sought to keep her away my hat fell off: so the
more I tried to pull her down, the deeper she stuck in her claws so as
to hold fast. Such a combat the dogs could not endure to see, but
joined the sport themselves, and jumped up with open jaws in front,
behind, and on either side of me to come at the cat, which yet would
not leave my head, but maintained her place by fastening of her claws
both in my face and my head, as best she could. And if she missed to
give the dogs a pat with her glove of thorns, be sure she missed not
me: yet because she did sometimes strike the dogs on the nose,
therefore they busied themselves to bring her down with their claws,
and in so doing dealt me many a shrewd scratch in the face: yea, and if
I with both hands strove to tear the cat from her place, then would she
bite and scratch me to the best of her ability. And thus was I, both by
the dogs and the cat at once so attacked, so mauled, and so terribly
handled that I scarce looked like a man at all, and, what was worst of
all, I must run the risk that if they so snapped at the cat they might
by chance catch me by the ear or nose and bite it off. My collar and
jerkin were so bloody that they were like to a smith's travise on St.
Stephen's Day, when the horses are let blood; nor could I devise any
means to save myself from this torment, but at last must cast myself on
the ground that the dogs might so seize the cat, unless I was willing
to allow my poll to continue to be their battle-ground: 'tis true the
dogs did then kill the cat, but I had by no means so noble sport from
this as I had hoped, but only mockery and such a face as now thou seest
before thee. At which I was so enraged that I shot both dogs dead, and
did so bastinado my mistress that had given me cause for this fool's
trick that she ran away from me, doubtless because she could no longer
love so horrible a mask."
_Chap. xxi._: A BRIEF EXAMPLE OF THAT TRADE WHICH OLIVER FOLLOWED,
WHEREIN HE WAS A MASTER AND SIMPLICISSIMUS SHOULD BE A PRENTICE
Fain would I have laughed at this story of Oliver's, yet must show
compassion only: and even as I began to tell him my history we saw a
coach come up the road with two outriders. On that we came down from
the church-tower and posted ourselves in a house that stood by the
wayside and was very convenient for the waylaying of passengers. I must
keep my loaded piece in reserve, but Oliver with one shot brought down
at once one rider and his horse before they were ware of us: upon which
the other forthwith fled: and while I, with my piece cocked, made the
coachman halt and descend, Oliver leapt upon him and with his broad
sword did cleave his head to the teeth, yea, and would thereafter have
butchered the lady and the children that sat in the carriage and
already looked more like dead folk than live ones: but I roundly said,
that I would not have, but told him if he would do such a deed he must
first slay me.
"Ah," says he, "thou foolish Simplicissimus, I had never believed thou
wert so wicked a fellow as thou dost seem." "But brother," said I,
"what hast thou against these innocents? an they were men that could
defend themselves 'twere another story." "How," he answered: "cook your
eggs and there will be no chickens hatched. I know these young
cockatrices well: their father the major is a proper skinflint, and the
worst jacket-duster in the world."
And with such words he would have gone on to slay them: yet I
restrained him so long that in the end I softened him: and 'twas a
major's wife, her maids, and three fair children, for whom it grieved
me much: these we shut up in a cellar that they might not too soon
betray us, in which they had nothing to eat but fruit and turnips till
they might chance to be released by some one: thereafter we plundered
the coach, and rode off with seven fine horses into the wood where it
was thickest.
So when we had tied them up and I had looked round me a little I was
ware of a fellow that stood stock-still by a tree not far off: him I
pointed out to Oliver and said 'twere well to be on our guard. "Why,
thou fool," said he, "'tis a Jew that I did tie up there: but the rogue
is long ago frozen and dead." So he goes up to him and chucks him under
the chin, and says he, "Aha; thou dog, thou didst bring me many a fair
ducat": and as he so shook his chin there rolled out of his mouth a few
doubloons that the poor rogue had rescued even in the hour of death. At
that Oliver put his hand in his mouth and brought out twelve doubloons
and a ruby of great price, and says he, "This booty have I to thank
thee for, Simplicissimus"; and with that gave me the ruby, took the
gold himself, and went off to fetch the peasant, bidding me in the
meanwhile to stay by the horses and beware lest the dead Jew should
bite me, whereby he meant I had no such courage as himself.
But he being gone to fetch his peasant, I had heavy thoughts, and did
consider in what a dangerous state I now lived. And first I thought I
would mount one of the horses and escape: yet did I fear lest Oliver
should catch me in the act and shoot me; for I had my suspicion that he
did but try my good faith for this once, and so stood near by to watch
me. Again I thought to run away on foot, but then must fear, even if I
should give Oliver the slip, that I should not escape from the peasants
of the Black Forest, which were then famous for the knocking of
soldiers on the head. "And suppose," said I, "thou takest all the
horses with thee, so that Oliver shall have no means to pursue thee,
yet if thou be caught by the troops of Weimar, thou wilt as a convicted
murderer be broken on the wheel." In a word, I could devise no safe
means for my flight, and chiefly because I was there in a desolate
forest where I knew neither highway nor by-way: and besides all that my
conscience was now awake and did torment me, because I had stopped the
coach and had been the cause that the driver had so miserably lost his
life, and both the ladies with the innocent children had been laid fast
in the cellar, wherein perchance, like this Jew, they must perish and
die. Then again I would comfort me on the score of mine innocence, as
being compelled against my will: yet there contrariwise my conscience
answered me, I had long before deserved for my rogueries to fall into
the hands of justice in the company of this arch-murderer, and so
receive my due reward, and perhaps, methought, just Heaven had so
provided that I should even so be brought to book. At the last I began
to hope for better things and besought God's goodness to help me forth
from this plight, and being in so pious a mood I said to myself, "Thou
fool, thou art neither imprisoned nor fettered: the whole wide world
stands open before thee: hast thou not horses enough to take to flight?
or, if thou wilt not ride, yet are thy feet swift enough to save thee."
But as I thus plagued and tormented myself and yet could come to no
plan, came Oliver back with our peasant, which guided us with the
horses to another farm, where we did bait and, taking turn by turn, did
each get two hours' sleep. After midnight we rode on, and about noon
came to the uttermost boundary of the Switzers, where Oliver was well
known, and had us nobly entertained: and while we made merry the host
sends for a couple of Jews, that bought the horses from us at half
their price. And all was so plainly and clearly settled that there was
little need of parley. For the Jews' chief question was, were the
horses from the emperor's side or the Swedes': and thereupon hearing
they were from Weimar's army, "Then," said they, "must we ride them not
to Basel but into Swabia to the Bavarians." At which close acquaintance
and familiarity I must needs wonder.
So we feasted like princes, and heartily did I enjoy the good
forest-trout and the savoury crayfish. And when 'twas evening we took
to the road again, loading our peasant with baked meats and other
victual like a pack-horse: with all which we came the next day to a
lonesome farm, where we were friendly welcomed and entertained, and by
reason of ill weather stayed two days: thereafter through woods and
by-ways we came to that very hut whither Oliver did take me when first
he had me to his companion.
_Chap. xxii._: HOW OLIVER BIT THE DUST AND TOOK SIX GOOD MEN WITH HIM
So as we sat down to refresh our bodies and to rest, Oliver sent the
peasant out to buy food and also powder and shot. He being gone, he
takes off his coat and says he, "Brother, I can no longer carry this
devils' money about with me alone": and with that unbound a pair of
bags like sausages that he wore on his naked body, threw them on the
table, and went on, "Of these thou must take care till I come to my
holidays and we both have enough, for the accursed stuff hath worked
sores upon my body, so that I can no longer carry it." I answered,
"Brother, hadst thou as little as I, 'twould not gall thee." But he cut
me short. "How," says he, "what is mine is also thine; and what we do
further win shall be fairly-shared." So I took up the two sausages and
found they were indeed mighty heavy, being gold pieces only. Then I
told him 'twas all ill-packed, and an he would, I would so sew the
money in that it should not vex him half so much in the carrying. And
when he agreed to this he had me with him to a hollow tree wherein he
had scissors, needles, and thread: and there I made for him and me a
pair of knapsacks out of a pair of breeches, and many a fine red penny
I sewed therein. So having put the same on under our shirts, 'twas as
if we had golden armour behind and before, by means of which we were
become, if not proof against bullets, yet against swords. Then did I
wonder why he kept no silver coin: to which he answered he had more
than a thousand thalers lying in a tree from which he allowed the
peasant to buy victuals, and never asked for a reckoning, as not
greatly valuing such trash.
This done and the money packed, away we went to our hut, and there
cooked our food and warmed ourselves by the stove all night. And
thither at one o'clock of the day, when we did least expect it, came
six musqueteers with a corporal to our hut with their pieces ready and
their matches burning, who burst in the door and cried to us to
surrender. But Oliver (that, like me, had ever his loaded piece lying
by him and his sharp sword also, and then sat behind the table,
and I by the stove behind the door) answered them with a couple of
musquet-balls, wherewith he brought two to the ground, while I with a
like shot slew one and wounded the fourth. Then Oliver whipped out his
terrible sword (that could cut hairs asunder and might well be compared
to Caliburn, the sword of King Arthur of England) and therewith he
clove the fifth man from the shoulder to the belly, so that his bowels
gushed out and he himself fell down beside them in gruesome fashion.
And meanwhile I knocked the sixth man on the head with the butt-end of
my piece, so that he fell lifeless: but Oliver got even such a blow
from the seventh, and that with such force that his brains flew out,
and I in turn dealt him that did that such a crack that he must needs
join his comrades on the dead muster-roll. So when the one that I had
shot at and wounded was ware of such cuffs and saw that I made for him
with the butt of my piece also, he threw away his gun and began to run
as if the devil was at his heels. Yet all this fight lasted no longer
than one could say a paternoster, in which brief space seven brave
soldiers did bite the dust.
Now when I thus found myself master of the field, I examined Oliver to
see if he had a breath left in him, but finding him quite dead,
methought 'twas folly to leave so much money on a corpse that could not
need it, and so I stripped him of his golden fleece that I had made but
yesterday and hung it round my neck with the other. And having broken
mine own gun, I took Oliver's musquet and sharp battle-sword to myself,
wherewith I provided me against all chances, and so away I went and
that by the road by which I knew our peasant must return: and sitting
down by the wayside I waited for him and further considered what I
should now do.
_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A RICH MAN AND HERZBRUDER
FELL INTO GREAT MISERY
Now I sat but half an hour in thought when there comes to me our
peasant puffing like a bear, and, running with all his might, was not
ware of me till I had him fast: and "Why so fast?" says I, "what news?"
"Quick," he answered, "away with ye! for here cometh a corporal with
six musqueteers that are to seize you and Oliver and bring you to
Liechteneck dead or alive: they took me and would have it I should lead
them to you: yet am I luckily escaped and come hither to warn ye."
"O villain," thought I, "thou hast betrayed us to get Oliver's money
that lieth in the tree." Yet of this I let him mark nothing (for I
would have him to shew me the way), but told him both Oliver and they
that should take him were dead: which when he would not believe, I was
good enough to go with him that he might see the miserable sight of the
seven bodies, and says I, "The seventh of them that should take us I
let go: and would to God I could bring these to life again, for I would
not fail to do it."
At that the peasant was amazed with fear and asked, "What plan have ye
now?" "Why," quoth I, "the plan is already resolved on: for I give thee
the choice of three things: either lead me by safe by-ways through the
wood to Villingen, or shew me Oliver's money that lieth in the tree, or
die here and keep these dead men company: an thou bringest me to
Villingen thou hast Oliver's money for thyself alone: if thou wilt shew
it me I will share it with thee: but if thou wilt do neither, I shoot
thee dead and go my way."
Then would he fain have made off, but feared the musquet, and so fell
on his knees and offered to guide me through the wood. So we started in
haste and walked the whole of that day and the next night, which was by
great good luck a very bright one, without food or drink or rest of any
kind, till towards daybreak we saw the town of Villingen lie before us,
and there I let my peasant go. And what supported us in this long
journey was: for the peasant the fear of death and for me the desire to
escape, myself and my money; yea, I do wellnigh believe that gold
lendeth a man strength: for though I carried a heavy enough load of it
yet I felt no especial weariness.
I held it for a lucky omen that even as I came to the gates of
Villingen they were being opened, where the officer of the watch
examined me; and hearing that I gave myself out to be a volunteer
trooper of that regiment to which Herzbruder had appointed me when he
released me from my musquet at Philippsburg, and also said that I had
escaped from Weimar's camp before Breisach, by whose men I had been
captured at Wittenweier and made to serve among them, and that I now
desired to come to my regiment among the Bavarians, he gave me in
charge to a musqueteer, who led me to the commandant. The same was yet
asleep, for he had spent half the night awake about his affairs, so
that I must wait a full hour and a half before his quarters, and
because the folk just then came from early mass I had a crowd of
citizens and soldiers around me that would all know how matters stood
before Breisach: at which clamour the commandant awoke and without
further delay had me brought to him.
Then began he to examine me, and I said even as I did at the gate.
Whereupon he asked me of certain particularities of the siege and so
forth, and at that I confessed all; namely, how I had spent some few
days with a fellow that had also escaped, and with him had attacked and
plundered a coach, with intent to get so much booty from Weimar's
people that we could get us horses, and so properly equipped could come
to our regiments again; but yesterday we had been attacked unawares by
a corporal and six other fellows that would have taken us, whereby my
comrade had been left dead on the field with six of the enemy, while
the seventh as well as I had escaped: but he to his own party. But of
the rest, namely, how I would have come to my wife at Lippstadt, and
how I had two such well-stuffed breast and back-plates, of that I said
no word, and made no scruple to conceal it, for what did it concern
him? Nor did he ask me of it at all, but much more was amazed and would
hardly believe that Oliver and I had killed six men and put the seventh
to flight, even though my comrade had paid with his life. So as we
talked there was occasion to speak of Oliver's wonderful sword that I
had by my side: which pleased him so well that if I would part civilly
from him and get a pass I must hand it over to him in return for
another that he gave me. And in truth it was a fine and beautiful
blade, with a perpetual calendar engraved thereupon, nor shall any
persuade me 'twas not forged by Vulcan _in hora Martis_, and altogether
so prepared as is told of that sword in the Heldenbuch, by which all
other swords are cleft asunder and the most courageous and lion-hearted
foes are put to flight like fearful hares. So when he had dismissed me
and commanded to give me a pass I went the nearest way to an inn, and
knew not whether I should first eat or sleep: for I needed both. Yet
would I sooner appease my belly, and so commanded meat and drink, and
considered how I should lay my plans to come in safety to my wife at
Lippstadt with my money; for I was as little minded to go to my
regiment as to break my neck.
But while I so speculated and mused of one and another cunning device,
there limped into the room a fellow with a stick in his hand, his head
bound up, one arm in a sling, and clothes so poor that I would have
given him not a penny for them: and so soon as the drawer was ware of
him he would have cast him forth, for he smelt vilely and was so full
of lice that a man could have garrisoned the whole Swabian[34] heath
with them. Yet he prayed he might but be allowed to warm himself, which
yet was not granted. But I taking pity on him and interceding for him,
with difficulty he was let to come to the stove: and there he looked
upon me, as I thought, with a curious longing and a great attention to
my drinking, and uttered many sighs. So when the drawer went to fetch
me a dish of meat, he came to me at my table and held out an earthen
penny-pot, so that I might well understand what he would have: so I
took the can and filled up his little pot for him before he asked. But
"O friend," says he, "for Herzbruder's sake give me somewhat to eat
also." Which when he said it cut me to the heart; for well I saw it was
Herzbruder himself. Then had I nearly swooned to see him in so evil a
plight, yet I recovered myself and fell upon his neck and set him by
me, where the tears did gush from our eyes: his for joy and mine for
pity.
_Chap. xxiv._: OF THE MANNER IN WHICH HERZBRUDER FELL INTO SUCH EVIL
PLIGHT
Now by reason of the suddenness of this our meeting we could neither
eat nor drink, but only ask one of the other how it had fared with each
since we had last met. Yet as the host and the drawer went ever in and
out, we could have no private discourse: and the host marvelling that I
could suffer so lousy a companion by me, I told him that in time of war
such was the custom among good soldiers that were comrades: and when I
understood further how Herzbruder had till now been in the Spital, and
there had been supported by alms, and his wounds but sorrily bound up,
I hired of the host a separate chamber, put Herzbruder to bed, and sent
for the best surgeon I could find, besides a tailor and a sempstress to
clothe him and to rid him of his lice: and having in my purse those
same doubloons that Oliver had fetched out of the dead Jew's mouth, I
cast them on the table, and says I to Herzbruder, in the host's
hearing, "See, brother; there is my money: that will I spend on thee
and consume with thee."
So with that the host entertained us nobly: but to the surgeon I showed
the ruby that had belonged to the said Jew, and was worth some 20
thalers, and told him that as I purposed to spend such small moneys as
I had for our food and for the clothing of my comrade, therefore I
would give him that ring if he would quickly and thoroughly cure my
said comrade, with which he was content, and bestowed his best care
upon that cure. And so I tended Herzbruder like my second self, and
caused a modest suit of grey cloth to be made for him. But first I went
to the commandant for my pass, and told him how I had met a comrade
sorely wounded: for him I would wait till he was sound, for were I to
leave him behind me I could not answer for it to my regiment: which
intention the commandant approved and allowed me to stay as long as I
listed, with the further offer that when my comrade could follow me he
would provide us both with sufficient passes.
Then, coming back to Herzbruder and sitting by his bed alone, I begged
him he would freely tell me how he had come into so evil a plight: for
I thought he might perchance have been driven from his former place for
weighty reasons or for some fault, and so degraded and brought to his
present evil case. But "Brother," said he, "thou knowest that I was the
Count of Götz his factotum and dearest intimate friend: on t'other hand
thou knowest well how evil an end this last campaign hath come to under
his generalship and command, wherein we not only lost the Battle of
Wittenweier, but did also fail to raise the siege of Breisach. Seeing,
then, that on this account all manner of rumours be afloat, and that
most unfair ones, and in especial now that the said count is cited to
Vienna to justify himself, therefore for fear and shame I do willingly
live in this humble plight, and often do wish either to die in this
misery or at least so long to lie concealed till the said Count shall
have proved his innocence: for so far as I know he was at all times
true to the Roman emperor: and that in this set year he hath had no
good luck is, in my opinion, more to be ascribed to the Providence of
God (who giveth victory to whom He will) than to the Count his
neglectfulness.
"Now when we were to relieve Breisach and I saw that on our side all was
done so sleepily, I armed mine own self and marched forth with the rest
upon the bridge of boats as if I in person were to finish the business;
which was neither my profession nor my duty: yet I did it for an
example to others, because we had accomplished so little that summer
then past. But luck or ill-luck would so have it that I, being among
the first to sally forth, was also among the first to look the enemy in
the face upon the bridge, where was a sharp encounter, and as I had
been foremost in attack, so when we gave way before the furious charge
of the French I was the last to retreat, and so fell into the enemy's
hands: and there did I receive a bullet in the right arm and another in
the leg, so that I could neither run nor hold a sword: and as the
straitness of the place and the desperateness of the action allowed no
talk of giving or taking of quarter, I got me a crack on the head which
brought me to the ground, and there, being finely clad, I was by some
stripped and in the confusion thrown into the Rhine for dead: in which
sore strait I called to God for help and left myself to His good
pleasure; and while I offered up my prayers I found His help at hand:
for the Rhine did cast me up on land where I did staunch my wounds with
moss: and though in so doing I was nigh frozen, yet I found in me a
special strength to creep from thence (for God helped me) so that I,
though miserably wounded, came to certain Merode-brothers[35] and
soldiers' wives, that one and all had compassion on me though they knew
me not: yet all already despaired of the relief of that fortress; and
that did hurt me more than all my wounds: but they refreshed and
clothed me by their fire, and before I could even bandage up my wounds
I must behold how our people prepared for a shameful retreat and gave
up our cause as lost: which caused me dreadful pain: and for that
reason I resolved to make myself known to none, and so not to make
myself a mark for mockery: wherefore I joined myself to certain wounded
men of our army that had their own surgeon with them: to him I gave a
golden cross that I still had about my neck, for which he bound up my
wounds so as to last till now. And in such poor plight, my good
Simplicissimus, have I made shift so far, and am minded to reveal to no
man who I am till I see how the Count of Götz his affair will turn out.
And now that I see thy goodness and faith, it breedeth in me great
comfort that the good God hath not forsaken me: for this very morning,
when I came from early mass and saw thee stand before the commandant's
quarters, I did fancy that God had sent thee to me in shape of an angel
to help me in my need."
So I did comfort him as best I could, and secretly told him I had yet
more money than those doubloons that he had seen; and that all was at
his service. Therewith I also told him of Oliver's end, and how I had
perforce avenged his death, which so enlivened his spirits that it also
helped his body, in such wise that every day he grew better of his
wounds.