_Chap. i._: HOW AND FOR WHAT REASON THE HUNTSMAN WAS JOCKEYED AWAY INTO
FRANCE
If you sharpen a razor too much you will notch the edge, and if you
overbend the bow, at last 'twill break. The trick I played on my host
with the hare was not enough for me, but I devised others to punish his
insatiable greed. So did I teach the boarders to water the salted
butter and so to get rid of the overplus salt; yea, and to grate the
hard cheese like the Parmesans and moisten it with wine, all which
things were to the miser like stabs in his heart. Nay, by my conjuring
tricks at table I drew the water out of the wine, and made a song in
which I compared the skinflint to a sow, from which there was no good
to be looked for till the butcher had her dead upon the trestles. And
so I myself furnished the reason why he paid me, and that well, with
the trick ye shall now hear: for 'twas not my business to play such
pranks in his house.
The two young nobles that were his boarders received a letter of
exchange, and the command to go into France and there to learn the
language, just at a time when our host's German groom was on his
travels and elsewhere, and to the Italian, said he, he dared not trust
his horses to him to take into France, for he knew little of him and
feared he might forget to come back, and so should he lose his horses:
and therefore he begged of me to do him the greatest service in the
world and to accompany those two noblemen with his horses as far as
Paris, for in any case my suit could not be argued before four weeks
were over; and he for his part would, if I would give him full powers,
so faithfully further my interests as if I were there in person
present. The young noblemen besought me also to the same end, and mine
own desire to see France counselled me thereto: for now could I do this
without special expense, and otherwise must spend those four weeks in
idleness and spend money too. So I took to the road with my two
noblemen, riding as their postilion; and on the way there happened to
me nothing of note. But when we came to Paris and there put up at the
house of our host's correspondent, where also the young noblemen had
their letter of exchange honoured, the very next day not only was I
with the horses arrested, but a fellow that gave out that my host owed
him a sum of money seized upon the beasts, with the leave of the
commissary of the Quartier, and sold them. The Lord only doth know what
I said to all this: but there I sat like a graven image and could not
help myself, far less devise how I could return along a road so long
and at that time so dangerous. The two noblemen shewed me great
sympathy, and therefore honourably gave me a larger gratification: nor
would they have me leave them before I should find either a good master
or a good opportunity to return to Germany. So they hired them a
lodging, and for some days I stayed with them to wait upon one of them,
which by reason of the long journey, as being unused thereto, was
indisposed. And as I shewed myself so polite to him he gave to me all
the clothing he put off: for he would be clad in the newest mode. Their
counsel was, I should stay a couple of years in Paris, and learn the
language: for what I had to fetch from Cologne would not run away. So
as I halted between two opinions and knew not what to do, the doctor
which came every day to cure my sick nobleman heard me once play on the
lute and sing a German ditty to it, which pleased him so that he
offered me a good salary, together with board at his own table, if I
would live with him and teach his two sons: for he knew better than I
how my affairs stood and that I should not refuse a good master. Thus
were we soon agreed, for, both the noblemen furthered the business all
they could, and greatly recommended me: yet would I not engage myself
save from one quarter of a year to the next.
The doctor spoke German as well as I did and Italian like his mother
tongue: and therefore I was the more pleased to take service with him:
and as I sat at my last meal with my noblemen, he was there too, and
there all manner of sad fancies came into my head: for I thought of my
newly wedded wife, the ensigncy promised me, and my treasure at
Cologne, all which I let myself so easily be persuaded to leave: and as
we came to speak of our former host I had a whim, and said I over the
table, "Who knoweth whether, perhaps, our host have not of intention
trepanned me hither that he may claim and keep my property at Cologne?"
The doctor answered it might very well be so, especial if he deemed me
a fellow of no family. "Nay," said one of the nobles, "if our friend
was sent here to the end he should stay here, 'twas done because he so
plagued the host on account of his avarice." "Nay," said the sick man,
"I believe there is another reason: for as I stood of late in my
chamber I heard the host talk loud with his Italian man; so I listened
to hear what 'twas all about, and at last from the servant's broken
German I understood that the huntsman had accused him to the man's wife
of not tending the horses well: all which the jealous knave, by reason
of the man's imperfect speech, understood wrongly and in a
dishonourable way, and therefore told the Italian he need but wait, for
the huntsman should presently be gone." Since then, too, he had looked
askance upon his wife and grumbled at her more than before, which I had
myself remarked in the fool. Then said the doctor, "From whatever cause
'twas done, I am content that matters have so turned out that he must
remain here. But be not dismayed; I will at the first good opportunity
help you back to Germany. Only write ye to the man at Cologne to have a
care of the money, or he will be called sharply to account. And this
also doth raise suspicion in me that 'tis a plot--namely, that he that
gave himself out for the creditor is a very good friend both of your
host and of his correspondent here, and I do believe the bond, on which
he seized and sold the horses, was brought here by yourself."
_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND A BETTER HOST THAN BEFORE
So Monsieur Canard (for so was my new master called) offered to help me
in word and deed, that I might not lose my property at Cologne; for he
saw how much it troubled me. So as soon as he had me to his house, he
begged I would tell him exactly how my affairs stood, that he might
understand and so devise how I might best be helped. Thereupon I
thought 'twould avail me little if I revealed mine own poor birth, and
so gave out I was a poor German nobleman that had neither father nor
mother, but only some kinsfolk in a fortress wherein was a Swedish
garrison; all which, said I, I had perforce concealed from my host at
Cologne and my two noblemen, as being all of the emperor's party, that
they might not confiscate my money as the enemy's property. My
intention it was, said I, to write to the commandant of the said
fortress, in whose regiment I had been promised an ensigncy, and not
only inform him in what fashion I had been deluded hither but also to
beg him to have the goodness to take possession of my property, and in
the meantime, until I could find opportunity to return to my regiment,
to put it at the disposition of my friends. This plan the good Canard
thought good, and promised me to forward the letters to their proper
place though it were in Mexico or even in China. Accordingly I prepared
letters to my wife, to my father-in-law, and to the colonel S(aint)
A(ndré), commandant in Lippstadt, to whom I addressed the whole packet,
and enclosed the two others. The contents were: that I would present
myself again as speedily as might be, if only I could get the means to
perform so long a journey, and begged both my father-in-law and the
colonel to do their best to endeavour to recover my property by
military process before the grass was grown over it, and gave them a
full list of the amounts in gold, silver, and jewels. All these letters
I drew up in duplicate: and one copy Monsieur Canard took charge of:
the other copy I did entrust to the post, that if one copy should go
astray, the other at least might arrive safely.
So now was I at ease in my mind again, and was the more able to teach
my master's two sons, which were brought up like young princes: for
because Monsieur Canard was rich, therefore was he beyond all measure
proud, and must make a display; the which disease he had taken from the
great men, with whom he daily had to do, and aped their ways. His house
was like a prince's court, of which it wanted nothing save that none
ever called him "gracious sir," and his conceit was so great that he
would treat a marquis, when such came to visit him, as no better than
himself. He was ready to help poor folk, and would take no small fees,
but forgave them the money that his name might be more renowned. And
because I was ever desirous of knowledge, and because I knew that he
made much show of my person when I followed him with his other servants
on a visit to some great man, I would help him in his laboratory in the
preparation of his medicines. Thus was I become well acquainted with
him, and that the more because it ever pleased him to speak the German
tongue: so once on a time I said to him, why did he not write himself
down as "of" his nobleman's residence which he had newly bought near
Paris for 20,000 crowns, and why he would make simple doctors of his
sons and would have them to study so hard. Were it not better, since he
himself had a title of nobility, to buy them offices, as did other
chevaliers, and so bring them entirely into the class of nobles? "Nay,"
he answered, "if I visit a prince, to me 'tis said, 'Master doctor, be
seated,' but to a nobleman, 'Wait thy turn!'" So said I, "But doth the
doctor not know that a physician hath three faces--the first, an
angel's, when the sick man sees him first; the second, God's own, when
he can help the sick; and the third, the devil's own, when a man is
healed and can be rid of him? And so this honour of which ye speak doth
but last so long as the sick man is plagued in his belly: but when 'tis
over and the grumbling past there hath the honour an end, and 'Master
Doctor,' quoth'a, 'there is the door!' And so the nobleman hath more
honour in standing than the doctor in sitting, namely, because he
waiteth ever on his own prince and hath the honour never to leave his
side. Did ye not of late Master Doctor, take of a prince's excrement
into your mouth to try the taste? Now I do say, I would sooner stand
and wait for ten years than meddle with another man's dung, yea, even
though I was bidden to be seated on beds of roses." To that he
answered, "That I need not to have done, but did it willingly, that the
prince might see how desperate anxious I was to understand his
condition, and so my fee might be greater: and why should I not meddle
with another's dirt, that payeth me perhaps a hundred pistoles for it,
and I pay him naught that must eat filth of another kind at my bidding?
Ye talk of the thing like a German: and were ye not a German I had
said, ye talk like a fool."
With that saying I was content, for I saw he would presently be angry,
and to bring him again into a good humour I begged him he would forgive
my simplicity and began to talk of pleasanter matters.
_Chap. iii._: HOW HE BECAME A STAGE PLAYER AND GOT HIMSELF A NEW NAME
Now as Monsieur Canard had more game to throw away than many have to
eat, which yet have their own preserves, and thus more meat was sent to
him by way of present than he and all his people could eat, so had he
also daily many parasites, so that it seemed as if he kept open house.
And once on a time there visited him the king's Master of the
Ceremonies and other high personages, for whom he prepared a princely
collation, as knowing well whom he needed to keep as his friends,
namely, those that were ever about the king or stood well with him: and
to shew them his great goodwill and give them every pleasure, he begged
that I would, to honour him and to please the high personages present,
let them hear a German song sung to the lute. This I did willingly,
being in the mood (for commonly musicians be whimsical people), and so
busied myself to play my best, and did so please the company that the
Master of the Ceremonies said 'twas great pity I could not speak
French: for so could he commend me greatly to the king and queen. But
my master, that feared lest I might be taken from his service, answered
him, I was of noble birth and thought not to sojourn long in France,
and so could hardly be used as a common musician. Thereupon the Master
of the Ceremonies said he had never in his life found united in one
person such rare beauty, so fine a voice, and such admirable skill upon
the lute: and presently, said he, a comedy was to be played before the
king at the Louvre: and could he but have my services, he hoped to get
great honour thereby. This Monsieur Canard did interpret to me: and I
answered, if they would but tell me what person I was to represent and
what manner of songs I was to sing, I could learn both tune and words
by heart and sing them to my lute, even if they were in the French
tongue: for perhaps my understanding might be as good as that of a
schoolboy such as they commonly use for such parts, though these must
first learn both words and actions by heart.
So when the Master of the Ceremonies saw me so willing, he would have
me promise to come to him next day in the Louvre to try if I was fit
for the part: and at the time appointed I was there. The tunes of the
songs I had to sing I could play at once perfectly upon the lute; for I
had the notes before me: and thereafter I received the French words, to
learn them by heart and likewise to pronounce them, all which were
interpreted for me in German, that I might use the actions fitted to
the songs. All this was easy enough to me, and I was ready before any
could have expected it, and that so perfectly (as Monsieur Canard
declared) that ninety-nine out of a hundred that heard me sing would
have sworn I was a born Frenchman. And when we came together for the
first rehearsal, I did behave myself so plaintively with my songs,
tunes, and actions that all believed I had often played the part of
Orpheus, which I must then represent, and shew myself vexed for the
loss of my Eurydice. And in all my life I have never had so pleasant a
day as that on which our comedy was played. Monsieur Canard gave me
somewhat to make my voice clearer: but when he tried to improve my
beauty with oleum talci and to powder my curly hair that shone so black
he found he did but spoil all. So now was I crowned with a wreath of
laurel and clad in an antique sea-green robe in which all could see my
neck, the upper part of my breast, my arms above the elbow and my
knees, all bare and naked. About it was wrapped a flesh-coloured cloak
of taffety that was more like a flag than a cloak: and in this attire I
languished over my Eurydice, called on Venus for help in a pretty song,
and at last led off my bride: in all which action I did play my part
excellently, and gazed upon my love with sighs and speaking eyes. But
when I had lost my Eurydice, then did I put on a dress of black
throughout, made like the other, from out of which my white skin shone
like snow. In this did I lament my lost wife, and did conjure up the
case so piteously that in the midst of my sad tunes and melodies the
tears would burst forth and my weeping choked the passage of my song:
yet did I play my part right well till I came before Pluto and
Proserpina in hell. To them I represented in a most moving song their
own love that they bore to each other, and begged them to judge thereby
with what great grief I and my Eurydice must have parted, and prayed
with the most piteous actions (and all the time I sang to my lute) they
would give her leave to return to me: and when they had said me "Yes,"
I took my leave with a joyful song to them, and was clever enough so to
change my face, my actions, and my voice to a joyful tune that all that
saw me were astonished. But when I again lost my Eurydice all
unexpectedly I did fancy to myself the greatest danger wherein a man
could find himself, and thereupon became so pale as if I would faint
away: for inasmuch as I was then alone upon the stage and all
spectators looked on me, I played my part the more carefully and got
therefrom the praise of having acted the best. Thereafter I set me on a
rock and began to deplore the loss of my bride with piteous words and a
most mournful melody, and to summon all creatures to weep with me: upon
that, all manner of wild beasts and tame, mountains, trees, and the
like flocked round me, so that in truth it seemed as if 'twere all so
done in unnatural fashion by enchantment. Nor did I make any mistake at
all till the end: but then when I had renounced the company of all
women, had been murdered by the Bacchantes and cast into the water
(which had been so prepared that one could see only my head, for the
rest of my body was beneath the stage in perfect safety), where the
dragon was to devour me, and the fellow that was inside the dragon to
work it could not see my head and so did let the dragon's head wag
about close to mine, this seemed to me so laughable that I could not
choose but make a wry face, which the ladies that looked hard upon me
failed not to perceive.
From this comedy I earned, besides the high praise that all gave me,
not only an excellent reward, but I got me yet another nickname, for
thenceforth the French would call me naught but "Beau Alman." And as
'twas then carnival-time, many such plays and ballets were represented,
in all which I was employed: but at last I found I was envied by others
because I mightily attracted the spectators, and in especial the women,
to turn their eyes on me: so I made an end of it, and that particularly
because I received much offence on one occasion, when, as I fought with
Achelous for Dejanira, as Hercules, and almost naked, I was so grossly
treated as is not usual in a stage-play.
By this means I became known to many high personages, and it seemed as
if fortune would again shine upon me: for 'twas even offered me to
enter the king's service, of which many a great Jack hath not the
chance: yet I refused: but much time I spent with ladies of quality
that would have me sing and play to them, for both my person and my
playing pleased them. Nor will I deny that I gave myself up to the
temptations of the Frenchwomen, that entertained me secretly and
rewarded me with many gifts for my services, till in the end I was
wearied of so vile and shameful a trade, and determined so to play the
fool no longer.
NOTE.--The fourth and fifth chapters of the original edition are
devoted to a prolix and tedious account of an adventure--if adventure
it may be called--of the kind hinted at in the last sentence of the
third chapter. It is absolutely without connection with
Simplicissimus's career as an actor in the war; has no interest as a
picture of manners; and finally, can be read much better in Bandello,
from whose much livelier story (vol. iv., novel 25, of the complete
editions) it is copied. It is therefore omitted here.
_Chap. iv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DEPARTED SECRETLY AND HOW HE BELIEVED
HE HAD THE NEAPOLITAN DISEASE
By this my occupation I gathered together so many gratifications both
in money and in things of worth that I was troubled for their safety,
and I wondered no longer that women do betake themselves to the stews
and do make a trade of this same beastly and lewd pursuit; since it is
so profitable. But now I did begin to take this matter to heart, not
indeed for any fear of God or prick of conscience, but because I
dreaded that I might be caught in some such trick and paid according to
my deserts. So now I planned to come back to Germany, and that the more
so because the commandant at Lippstadt had written to me he had caught
certain merchants of Cologne, whom he would not let go out of his hands
till my goods were first delivered to him: item, that he still kept for
me the ensigncy he had promised, and would expect me to take it up
before the spring: for if I came not then he must bestow it upon
another. And with his letter my wife sent me one also full of all
loving assurances of her hope to have me back. (Had she but known how I
had lived she had surely sent me a greeting of another sort.)
Now could I well conceive 'twould be hard to have my congé from
Monsieur Canard, and so did I determine to depart secretly so soon as I
could find opportunity: which (to my great misfortune) I found. For as
I met on a time certain officers of the Duke of Weimar's army, I gave
them to understand I was an ensign of the regiment of colonel S(aint)
A(ndré) and had been a long time in Paris on mine own affairs, yet now
was resolved to return to my regiment, and so begged they would take me
as their travelling-companion on their journey back. So they told me
the day of their departure and were right willing to take me with them:
thereupon I bought me a nag and made my provision for the journey as
secretly as I could, got together my money (which was in all some 500
doubloons, all which I had earned from those shameless women), and
without asking leave of Monsieur Canard went off with them; yet did I
write to him, and did date the letter from Maestricht; so as he might
think I was gone to Cologne: in this I took leave of him, with the
excuse that I could stay no longer when my business at home required my
presence.
But two nights out from Paris 'twas with me as with one that hath the
erysipelas, and my head did so ache that next morning I could not rise:
and that in a poor village where I could have no doctor and, what was
worse, none to wait upon me: for the officers rode on their way next
morning and left me there, sick to death, as one that concerned them
not: yet did they commend me and my horse to the host at their
departure and left a message for the mayor of the place that he should
have respect to me as an officer that served the king. So there I lay
for a couple of days and knew naught of myself, but babbled like a
fool. Then they fetched the priest to me: but he could get nothing
reasonable from me: and since he saw he could not heal my soul he
thought on means to help my body as far as might be, to which end he
had me bled and a sudorific given me, and had me put into a warm bed to
sweat. This served me so well that the same night I did know where I
was and whence I had come and that I was sick. Next morning came the
said priest to me again and found me desperate: for not only had my
money all been stolen, but I did believe I had (saving your presence)
the French disease: for I had deserved this more than my pistoles, and
I was spotted over my whole body like a leopard: nor could I either
walk or stand, or sit or lie: and now was my patience at an end: for
though I could not well believe 'twas God had given me the gold I had
lost, yet was I now so reckless that I saw 'twas the devil had stolen
it from me! Yea, and I behaved as if I were quite desperate, so that
the good priest had much ado to comfort me, seeing that the shoe
pinched me in two places.
"My friend," says he, "behave yourself like a reasonable man, even if
ye cannot embrace your cross like a good Christian. What do ye? Will ye
with your money also lose your life and, what is more, your hopes of
eternal salvation?" So I answered I cared not for the money; if I could
but be rid of this accursed sickness or were at least in a place where
I could be cured. "Ye must have patience," answered the priest, "as
must the poor children of whom there lie in this place over fifty sick
of this disease." So when I heard that children also were sick of it, I
was straightway cheered, for I could not well suppose that such would
catch that filthy disease: so I reached for my valise to see what might
still be there: but save my linen there was naught there but a casket
with a lady's portrait, set round with rubies, that one at Paris had
presented to me. The portrait I took out and gave the rest to the
priest with the request he would turn it into money in the next town,
so that I might have somewhat to live upon. Of which the end was that I
got scarce the third part of its worth, and since that lasted not long
my nag must go too: all which barely kept me till the pock-holes began
to dry and I to get better.
_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS PONDERED ON HIS PAST LIFE, AND HOW WITH
THE WATER UP TO HIS MOUTH HE LEARNED TO SWIM
Wherewithal a man sinneth, therewith is he wont to be punished. This
smallpox did so handle me that thenceforward I needed not to fear the
women. I got such holes in my face that I looked like a barn-floor
whereon they have threshed peas: yea, I became so foul of aspect that
my fine curls in which so many women had been tangled were shamed of me
and left their home: in place of which I got others that were so like a
hog's bristles that I must needs wear a wig, and even as outwardly no
beauty remained to me, so also my sweet voice departed--for I had had
my throat full of sores. Mine eyes, that heretofore none ever found to
lack the fire of love enough to kindle any heart, were now as red and
watery as those of any old wife of eighty years that hath the spleen.
And above all I was in a foreign land, knew neither dog nor man that
would treat me fairly, was ignorant of their language, and had no money
left.
So now I first began to reflect, and to lament the noble opportunities
which had aforetime been granted to me for the furthering of my
fortunes, which yet I had so wantonly let go by. I looked back and
marked how my extraordinary luck in war and my treasure-trove had been
naught but a cause and preparation for my ill fortune, which had never
been able to cast me so far down had it not by a false countenance
first raised me so high. Yea, I found that the good things that had
happened to me, and which I had accounted truly good, had been truly
bad, and had brought me to the depth of misery. Now was there no longer
a hermit to deal so faithfully with me, no Colonel Ramsay to rescue me
in my need, no priest to give me good advice; and, in a word, no one
man that would do me a good turn: but when my money was gone I was told
to be off and find a place elsewhere, and might, like the prodigal son,
be glad to herd with the swine. So now first I bethought me of that
priest's good advice, that counselled I should employ my youth and my
wealth for study: but 'twas too late to shut the stable-door now that
the horse was stolen. O swift and miserable change! Four weeks ago I
was a fellow to move princes to wonder, to charm women, and that made
the people believe me a masterpiece of nature, yea an angel, but now so
wretched that the very dogs did bark at me. I bethought me a thousand
times what I must do: for the host turned me from the door so soon as I
could pay no more. Gladly would I have enlisted, but no recruiting
officer would take me as a soldier, for I looked like a scarecrow: work
could I not, for I was still too weak, and besides used to no
handicraft. Nothing did comfort me more than that 'twas now summer
coming, and I could at a pinch lodge behind any hedge, for none would
suffer me in any house. I had my fine apparel still, that I had had
made for my journey, besides a valise full of costly linen that none
would buy from me as fearing I might saddle him also with the disease.
This I set on my shoulder, my sword in my hand and the road under my
feet, which led me to a little town that even possessed an apothecary's
shop. Into this I went, and bade him make me an ointment to do away the
pock-marks on my face, and because I had no money I gave him a fine
soft shirt; for he was not so nice as the other fools that would take
no clothes of me. For, I thought, if thou art but rid of these vile
spots, 'twill soon better thy case for thee.
Yea, and I took the more heart because the apothecary assured me that
in a week one would see little except the deep scars that the sores
had eaten in my face. 'Twas market-day there, and there too was a
tooth-drawer that earned much money, in return for which he was always
ready with his ribald jests for the crowd. "O fool," says I to myself,
"why dost thou not also set up such a trade? Beest thou so long with
Monsieur Canard, and hast not learned enough to deceive a simple
peasant and get thy victuals? Then must thou be a poor creature
indeed."
_Chap. vi._: HOW HE BECAME A VAGABOND QUACK AND A CHEAT
Now at that time was I as hungry as a hunter: for my belly was not to
be appeased; and yet I had naught in my poke save a single golden ring
with a diamond that was worth some twenty crowns. This I sold for
twelve: and because I could plainly see these would last but for a time
if I could earn nothing besides, I determined to turn doctor. So I
bought me the materials for an electuary and made it up: likewise out
of herbs, roots, butter, and aromatic oils a green salve for all
wounds, wherewith one might have cured a galled horse: also out of
calamine, gravel, crab's-eyes, emery, and pumice-stone a powder to make
the teeth white: furthermore a blue tincture out of lye, copper, sal
ammoniac and camphor, to cure scurvy, toothache, and eye-ache. Likewise
I got me a number of little boxes of tin and wood to put my wares in;
and to make a reputable show I had me a bill composed and printed in
French, on which could be read for what purpose each of these remedies
was fitted. And in three days I was ended with my task, and had scarce
spent three crowns on my drugs and gallipots when I left the town. So I
packed all up and determined to walk from one village to another as far
as Alsace and to dispose of my wares on the way, and thereafter, if
opportunity offered, to get to the Rhine at Strassburg to betake myself
with the traders to Cologne, and from there to make my way to my wife.
Which design was good, but the plan failed altogether.
Now the first time I took my stand before a church with my wares and
offered them my gain was small indeed, for I was far too shamefaced,
and neither would my talk nor my bragging patter run well: and from
that I saw at once I must go another way to work if I would gain money.
So I went with my trumpery into the inn, and at dinner I learned from
the host that in the afternoon all manner of folk would come together
under the lime-tree before his house. And there he said I might sell
something, if only my wares were good: but there were so many rogues in
the land that people were mightily chary of their money unless they had
real proof before their eyes that the medicine was truly good.
So when I found where the shoe pinched I got me a half-wineglass full
of strong Strassburg Branntwein, and caught a kind of toad called
Reling or Möhmlein, that in spring and summer sits in dirty pools and
croaks, gold colour or nearly salmon colour with black spots on its
belly, most hateful to see. Such an one I put in a wineglass with water
and set it by my wares on a table under the lime-tree. And when the
people began to gather together and stood round me, some thought I
would, with the tongs that I had borrowed from the hostess, pull out
teeth. But I began thus: "My masters and goot frients (for I could
still speak but little French), I be no tooths-cracker, only I haf goot
watter for ze eye, zat make all ze running go way from ze red eye."
"Yea," says one, "that can one see by thine own eyes, that be like to
two will-o'-the-wisps." "And zat is true," says I, "but if I had not ze
watter sure I were quite blint: besides, I sell not ze watter. Ze
elegtuary and ze powder for ze white tooths and ze wound-salve, zese
will I sell, but ze watter I gif avay mit dem! For I be no quack nor no
cheater: I do sell mine elegtuary: and when I haf tried it, if it
blease you not you needs not to puy it."
So I bade one of them that stood by to choose any one of my boxes of
electuary, out of which I made a pill as large as a pea, and put it
into my Branntwein, which the people took for water, and there pounded
it up and then picked up the toad with the tongs out of the water-glass
and said, "See, my goot frients, if this fenomous worm do drink mine
elegtuary wizout dying, so is ze ting no goot, and zenn puy it not."
With that I put the poor toad, that had been born in water and could
bear no other element or liquor, into the Branntwein, and held it
covered in with a paper so that he could not leap out: which began to
struggle and to wriggle, yea, to do worse than if I had thrown him upon
red-hot coals, for the Branntwein was much too strong for him: and
after a short time he died and stretched out his four legs. At that the
peasants opened their mouths and their purses too when they saw so
plain a proof with their own eyes: for now they believed there could be
no better electuary on earth than mine, and I had enough to do to wrap
up the stuff in the printed papers and take money for it.
For some of them did buy three, four, five, six times so much, that
they might at need be provided with so sure an antidote against poison:
yea, they bought also for their friends and kinsfolk that dwelt in
other places, so that from this foolery (though 'twas no market-day) I
gained by the evening ten crowns, and still kept more than the half of
my wares. The same night I betook myself to another village, as fearing
lest some peasant should be so curious as to put a toad in water to try
the virtue of my electuary, and if it should fail my back should suffer
for it.
But to shew the excellence of my antidote in another way, I made me, of
meal, saffron, and galls, a yellow arsenic, and of meal and vitriol a
sublimate of mercury; and when I would show the effect of it I had
ready two like glasses of fresh water on the table, whereof one was
pretty strongly mixed with aqua fortis: into this I stirred a little of
my electuary and dropped in as much of my two poisons as was needed:
then was one water, that had no electuary (but also no aqua fortis) in
it, as black as ink, while the other, by reason of the aqua fortis,
remained as it was. "Aha," said they all, "see, that is truly a
marvellous electuary for so little money!" And then when I poured both
together again the whole was clear once more: at that the good peasants
dragged out their purses and bought of me: which not only helped my
hungry belly, but also I could take horse again, earned much money on
the way, and so came safely to the German border.
And so, my dear country-folks, put not your faith in quacks: or ye will
be deceived by them, since they seek not your health but your wealth.
_Chap. vii._: HOW THE DOCTOR WAS FITTED WITH A MUSQUET UNDER CAPTAIN
CURMUDGEON
Now as I passed through Lorraine, my wares gave out, and because I must
avoid garrison-towns I had no chance to get more: so must I devise
another plan till I could make electuary again. So I bought me two
measures of Branntwein and coloured it with saffron, and sold it in
half-ounce glasses to the people as a gold water of great price, good
against fever, and so my two measures brought me in thirty gulden. But
my little glasses running short, and I hearing of a glass-maker that
dwelt in the county of Fleckenstein, I betook myself thither to equip
myself afresh, but seeking for by-paths was by chance caught by a
picket from Philippsburg that was quartered in the castle of
Wagelnburg, and so lost all that I had wrung out of the people by my
cheats on the journey; and because the peasant that went with me to
shew the way told the fellows I was a doctor, as a doctor I must
willy-nilly be taken to Philippsburg. There was I examined and spared
not to say who I was in truth; which they believed not, but would make
more of me than I could well be: for I should and must remain a doctor.
Then must I swear I belonged to the Emperor's dragoons in Soest and
declare on my oath all that had happened to me from then to now and
what I now intended. "But," said they, "the Emperor had need of
soldiers as much at Philippsburg as at Soest: and so would they give me
entertainment, till I had good opportunity to come to my regiment: but
if this plan was not to my taste, I might content myself to remain in
prison and be treated as a doctor till I should be released; for as a
doctor I had been taken."
So I came down from a horse to a donkey, and must become a musqueteer
against my will: which vexed me mightily, for want was master there,
and the rations terrible small: I say not to no purpose "terrible" for
I was terrified every morning when I received mine: for I knew I must
make that suffice for the whole day which I could have made away with
at a meal without trouble. And to tell truth 'tis a poor creature, a
musqueteer, that must so pass his life in a garrison, and make dry
bread suffice him--yea, and not half enough of that: for he is naught
else than a prisoner that prolongs his miserable life with the bread
and water of tribulation: nay, a prisoner hath the better lot, for he
needs neither to watch, nor to go the rounds, nor stand sentry, but
lies at rest and has as much hope as any such poor garrison-soldier in
time at length to get out of his prison. 'Tis true there were some that
bettered their condition, and that in divers ways, but none that
pleased me and seemed to me a reputable way to gain my food. For some
in this miserable plight took to themselves wives (yea, the most vile
women at need) for no other cause than to be kept by the said women's
work, either with sewing, washing and spinning, or with selling of old
clothes and higgling, or even with stealing: there was a she-ensign
among the women that drew her pay as a corporal: another was a midwife,
and so earned many a good meal for herself and her husband: another
could starch and wash: others laundered for the unmarried soldiers and
officers shirts, stockings, sleeping-breeches and I know not what else,
from which they had each her special name. Others did sell tobacco and
provide pipes for the fellows that had need of them: others dealt in
Branntwein: another was a seamstress, and could do all manner of
embroidery and cut patterns to earn money: another gained a livelihood
from the fields only; in winter she gathered snails, in spring
salad-herbs, in summer she took birds'-nests, and in autumn she would
gather fruit of all kinds: a few carried wood for sale like asses, and
others traded with this and that. Yet to gain my support in such a way
was not for me: for I had a wife already. Other fellows did gain a
livelihood by play, for at that they were better than sharpers and
could get their simple comrades' money from them with false dice: but
such a profession I loathed. Others toiled like beasts of burden at the
ramparts; but for that I was too lazy: and some knew and could practise
a trade, but I, poor creature, had learned none such: 'tis true if any
had had need of a musician I could have filled the place well, but that
land of hunger was content with drums and fifes. Some stood sentry for
others and night and day came never off duty, but I would sooner starve
than so torment my body: some got them booty by expeditions: but I was
not even trusted to go outside the gates: others could go a-mousing
better than any cat, but such a trade I hated worse than the plague. In
a word, wherever I turned, I could hit on no way to fill my belly. Yet
what vexed me most of all was this, that I must needs endure all manner
of gibes when my comrades said, "What, thou a doctor, and hast no art
but to starve?"
At length did hunger force me to inveigle a few fine carp out of the
town ditch up to me on the wall: but as soon as the colonel was ware of
it I must ride the torture-horse for it, and was forbidden on pain of
death to exercise that art further. At the last others' misfortune
proved my good luck. For having cured a few patients of jaundice and
two of fever (all which must have had a particular belief in me), it
was allowed me to go out of the fortress on the pretence of collecting
roots and herbs for my medicines: instead of which I did set snares for
hares and had the luck to catch two the first night: these I brought to
the colonel, and so got not only a thaler as a present, but also leave
to go out and catch hares whensoever I was not on duty. Now because the
country was waste and no man there to catch the beasts, which had
therefore mightily multiplied, there came grist to my mill again,
insomuch that it seemed as if it rained hares, or as if I could charm
them into my snares. So when the officers saw they could trust me I was
allowed to go out on plundering parties: and there I began again my
life as at Soest, save that I might no longer lead and command such
parties as heretofore in Westphalia; for for that 'twas needful to know
all highways and byways and to be well acquainted with the Rhine
stream.
_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ENDURED A CHEERLESS BATH IN THE RHINE
Yet must I tell you of a couple of adventures before I say how I was
again freed from my musquet, and one in truth of great danger to life
and limb, the other only of danger to the soul, wherein I did
obstinately persist: for I will conceal my vices no more than my
virtues, in order that not only may my story be complete, but also that
the untravelled reader may learn what strange blades there be in this
world.
As I said at the end of the last chapter, I might now go out with
foraging-parties, which in garrison towns is not granted to every loose
customer, but only to good soldiers. So once on a time nineteen of us
together went up to the Rhine to lie in wait for a ship of Basel that
was given out to carry secretly officers and goods of the Duke of
Weimar's army. So above Ottenheim we got us a fishing-boat wherein to
cross over and post ourselves on an eyot that lay handy to compel all
ships that drew near to come to land, to which end ten of us were
safely ferried over by the fisherman. But when one of us that could at
other times row well was fetching over the remaining nine, of whom I
was one, the skiff suddenly capsized and in a twinkling we lay together
in the Rhine. I cared not much for the others, but thought of myself.
But though I strained to the utmost and used all the arts of a good
swimmer, yet the stream played with me as with a ball, tossing me
about, sometimes over, sometimes under. I fought so manfully that I
often came up to get breath: but had it been colder, I had never been
able to hold out so long and to escape with my life. Often did I try to
win to the bank, but the eddies hindered me, tossing me from one side
to another: and though 'twas but a short time before I came opposite
Goldscheur, it seemed to me so long that I despaired of my life. But
when I had passed that village and had made sure I must pass under the
Strassburg Rhine-bridge dead or alive, I was ware of a great tree whose
branches stretched into the river not far from me. To this the stream
flowed straight and strong: for which cause I put forth all the
strength I had left to get to the tree, wherein I was most lucky, so
that by the help both of the water and my own pains I found myself
astride upon the biggest branch, which at first I had taken for a tree:
which same was yet so beaten by waves and whirlpools that it kept
bobbing up and down without ceasing, and so shook up my belly that I
wellnigh spewed up lungs and liver. Hardly could I keep my hold, for
all things danced strangely before my eyes. And fain would I have
slipped into the water again, yet found I was not man enough to endure
even the hundredth part of such labour as I had so far accomplished. So
must I stick there and hope for an uncertain deliverance, which God
must send me if I was to get off alive. But in this respect my
conscience gave me but cold comfort, bidding me remember that I had so
wantonly rejected such gracious help a year or two before; yet did I
hope for the best, and began to pray as piously as I had been reared in
a cloister, determining to live more cleanly in future; yea, and made
divers vows. Thus did I renounce the soldier's life and forswore
plundering for ever, did throw my cartridge-box and knapsack from me,
and naught would suffice me but to become a hermit again and do penance
for my sins, and be thankful to God's mercy for my hoped-for
deliverance till the end of my days, and when I had spent two or three
hours upon the branch between hope and fear there came down the Rhine
that very ship for which I was to help lie in wait. So I lifted up my
voice piteously and screamed for help in the name of God and the last
Judgment, and because they must needs pass close to me, and therefore
the more clearly see my wretched plight, all in the ship were moved to
pity, so that they put to land to devise how best to help me. And
because, by reason of the many eddies that were all round me (being
caused by the roots and branches of the tree), it was not possible to
swim out to me without risk of life nor to come to me with any vessel,
small or great, my helping needed much thought: and how I fared in mind
meanwhile is easy to guess. At last they sent two fellows into the
river above me with a boat, that let a rope float down to me and kept
one end of it themselves. The other end I with great trouble did
secure, and bound it round my body as well as I could, so that I was
drawn up by it into the boat like a fish on a line and so brought into
the ship.
So now when I had in this fashion escaped death, I had done well to
fall on my knees on the bank and thank God's goodness for my
deliverance, and moreover then begin to amend my life as I had vowed
and promised in my deadly need. But far from it. For when they asked me
who I was and how I had come into this peril I began so to lie to the
people that it might have made the heavens turn black: for I thought,
if thou sayst thou wast minded to help plunder them, they will cast
thee into the Rhine again. So I gave myself out for a banished
organist, and said that as I would to Strassburg to seek a place as
schoolmaster or the like on the upper Rhine, a party had captured me
and stripped me and thrown me into the Rhine, which brought me to that
same tree. And as I contrived to trick out these my lies finely, and
also strengthened them with oaths, I was believed, and all kindness
shewn me in the matter of food and drink to refresh me, of which I had
great need indeed.
At the custom-house at Strassburg most did land, and I with them,
giving them all thanks; and among them I was ware of a young merchant
whose face and gait and actions gave me to understand that I had seen
him before: yet could I not remember where, but perceived by his speech
that 'twas that very same cornet that had once made me prisoner: and
now could I not conceive how from so fine a young soldier he had been
turned into a merchant, specially since he was a gentleman born. Yea,
my curiosity to know if my eyes and ears deceived me or not urged me to
go to him and say, "Monsieur Schönstein, is it you or not?" to which he
answered, "I am no Herr von Schönstein but a simple trader." "And I
too," says I, "was never a huntsman of Soest but an organist, or rather
a land-tramping beggar." And "O brother!" he answered, "what the devil
trade art thou of? whither art thou bound?" "Brother," said I, "if thou
beest chosen by heaven to help preserve my life, as hath now happened
for the second time, then 'tis certain that my destiny requires that I
should not be far from thee."
Then did we embrace as two true friends, that had aforetime promised to
love one another to the death. I must to his quarters and tell him all
that had befallen me since I had left Lippstadt for Cologne to fetch my
treasure, nor did I conceal from him how I had intended to lay wait for
their ship with a party, and how we had fared therein. And he on his
part confided to me how he had been sent by the Hessian General Staff
to Duke Bernhard of Weimar on business of the greatest import
concerning the conduct of the war: to bring reports and to confer with
him on future plans and campaigns, all which he had accomplished and
was now on his way back in the disguise of a merchant, as I could see.
By the way also he told me that my bride at his departure was expecting
child-bed, and had been well entreated by her parents and kinsfolk, and
furthermore that the colonel still kept the ensigncy for me. Yet he
jested at me by reason of my pock-marked face, and would have it that
neither my wife nor the other women of Lippstadt would take me for the
Huntsman. So we agreed I should lodge with him and on this opportunity
return to Lippstadt which was what I most desired. And because I had
naught but rags upon me he lent me some trifle in money, wherewith I
equipped myself like to an apprentice-lad.
But as 'tis said, "What will be, must be," that I now found true: for
as we sailed down the river and the ship was examined at Rheinhausen,
the Philippsburgers knew me again, seized me and carried me off to
Philippsburg, where I had to play the musqueteer as before: all which
angered my friend the cornet as much as myself: for now must we
separate: and he could not much take my part, for he had enough to do
to get through himself.
_Chap. ix._: WHEREFORE CLERGYMEN SHOULD NEVER EAT HARES THAT HAVE BEEN
TAKEN IN A SNARE
Now hath the gentle reader heard in what danger of life I put myself.
But as concerns the danger of my soul 'tis to be understood that as a
musqueteer I became a right desperate fellow, that cared naught for God
and his word. No wickedness was for me too great: and all the
goodnesses and loving kindnesses that I had ever received from God
quite forgotten: and so I cared neither for this world nor the next but
lived like a beast. None would have believed that I had been brought up
with a pious hermit: seldom I went to church and never to confess: and
because I cared so little for my own soul's health, therefore I
troubled my fellow men yet more. Where I could cheat a man I failed not
to do it, yea I prided myself upon it, so that none came off scot-free
from his dealings with me. From this I often got me a whipping, and
still more often the torture-horse; yea, I was often threatened with
the strappado and the gibbet: but naught availed: I went on in my
godless career till it seemed I would play the desperado and run
post-haste to hell. And though I did no deed evil enough to forfeit my
life, yet was I so reckless that, save for sorcerers and sodomites, no
worse man could be found.
Of this our regiment's chaplain was ware, and being a right zealous
saver of souls, at Eastertide he sent for me to know why I had not been
at Confession and Holy Communion. But I treated his many faithful
warnings as I had done those of the good pastor at Lippstadt, so that
the good man could make naught of me. So when it seemed as if Christ
and His Baptism were lost in me, at the end says he, "O miserable man:
I had believed that thou didst err through ignorance: now know I that
thou goest on in thy sins from pure wickedness and of malice
aforethought. Who, thinkest thou, can feel compassion for thy poor soul
and its damnation? For my part, I protest before God and the world that
I am free of guilt as to that damnation; for I have done, and would
have gone on to do without wearying, all that was necessary to further
thy salvation. But henceforward 'twill not be my duty to do more than
to provide that thy body, when thy poor soul shall leave it in such a
desperate state, shall be conveyed to no dedicated place there to be
buried with other departed pious Christians, but to the carrion-pit
with the carcases of dead beasts, or to that place where are bestowed
other God-forgotten and desperate men." Yet this severe threatening
bore as little fruit as the earlier warnings, and that for this reason
only, that I was shamed to confess. O fool that I was! For often I
would tell of my knaves' tricks in great company and would lie to make
them seem the greater; yet now, when I should be converted and confess
my sins to a single man, and him standing in God's place, to receive
absolution, then was I as a stock or a stone. I say the truth: I was
stockish; and stockish I remained: for I answered, "I do serve the
Emperor as a soldier: and if I die as a soldier, 'twill be no wonder if
I, like other soldiers (which cannot always be buried in holy ground,
but must be content to lie anywhere on the field in ditches or in the
maw of wolf and raven), must make shift outside the churchyard."
And so I left the priest, which for his holy zeal for souls had no more
return from me than that once I refused him a hare, which he urgently
begged from me, on the pretence that since it had hanged itself in a
noose and so taken its own life, therefore as a self-murderer it might
not be buried in a holy place.
_Chap. x._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS ALL UNEXPECTEDLY QUIT OF HIS MUSQUET
So were things no better with me, but the longer the worse. Once did
the colonel say to me he would discharge me for a rogue, since I would
do no good. But because I knew he meant it not, I said 'twas easy
enough, if only he would dismiss the hangman too, to bear me company.
So he let it pass, for well could he conceive that I should hold it for
no punishment but for a favour if he would let me go: and against my
will I must remain a musqueteer and starve till the summer. But the
nearer Count von Götz came with his army, the nearer came also my
deliverance: for when that general had his headquarters at Bruchsal, my
friend Herzbruder, that I had so faithfully helped with my money in the
camp before Magdeburg, was sent by the staff on certain business to our
fortress, where all shewed him great honour. I was even then sentry
before the colonel's quarters, and though he wore a coat of black
velvet, yet I knew him at first sight, yet had not the heart to speak
to him at once, as fearing lest, after the way of the world, he should
be ashamed of me or would not know me, for by his clothes he was now of
high rank and I but a lousy musqueteer. But so soon as I was relieved I
asked of his servants his name and rank, to be assured that I did not
address another in his place, and yet I had not the courage to speak to
him, but wrote this billet to him and caused it to be handed to him in
the morning by his chamberlain.
"Monsieur, etc.,--If it should please my worshipful master by his high
influence to deliver one whom he once by his bravery saved from bonds
and fetters on the field of Wittstock, from the most miserable
condition in the world, into which he hath been tossed like a ball by
unkind fortune, 'twould cost him little pains and he would for ever
oblige one, in any case his faithful servant but now the most wretched
and deserted of men.--S. SIMPLICISSIMUS."
No sooner had he read this than he had me to him and "Fellow
countryman," says he, "where is the man that gave thee this?" "Sir," I
answered, "he is a captive in this fortress." "Well," says he, "now go
to him and say I would deliver him an he had the halter round his
neck." "Sir," said I, "'twill not need so much trouble, for I am poor
Simplicissimus himself, come not only to give thanks for his rescue at
Wittstock, but also to beg to be freed from the musquet which I have
been forced against my will to carry." But he suffered me not to make
an end, but by embracing me shewed me how ready he was to help me: in a
word, he did all that one faithful friend can do for another; and
before he asked me how I came into the fortress and to such a service,
he sent his servant to the Jew to buy me a horse and clothing. And
meanwhile I told him how it had fared with me since his father had died
before Magdeburg, and when he heard I was the Huntsman of Soest (whose
many famous exploits he had heard of) he lamented that he had not known
such before, for so could he well have helped me to a company. So when
the Jew came with a whole burden of soldiers' clothes, he chose out the
best for me, bade me clothe myself, and so took me with him to the
colonel. And to him, "Sir," says he, "I have in your garrison found
this good fellow here present, to whom I am so much bounden that I
cannot leave him in this low estate even if his good qualities deserved
no better: and therefore I beg the colonel to do me this favour, and
either to give him a better place or to allow me to take him with me
and to further his promotion in the army, for which perhaps the colonel
has no great opportunity here." At that the colonel crossed himself for
sheer wonder to hear any man praise me; and says he, "Your honour will
forgive me if I say it is his part to try whether I am willing to serve
him so far as his deserts do require: and so far as that goes, let him
demand aught else that lies in my power and he shall understand my
willingness by my actions. But as to this fellow, he is, according to
his own showing, no soldier of mine, but belongs to a regiment of
dragoons, and is besides so pestilent a companion that since he hath
been here he hath given more work to my provost than a whole company,
so that I must needs believe no water will ever drown him." So he ended
with a laugh and wished me luck.
But for Herzbruder this was not enough but he further begged the
colonel not to refuse to invite me to his table, which favour he also
obtained: and this he did to the end that he might tell the colonel in
my presence what he only knew of me by hearsay in Westphalia from the
Count von der Wahl and the commandant of Soest, all which actions he so
praised that all must hold me for a good soldier. And I too carried
myself so modestly that the colonel and his people that had known me
before could but believe that with my new clothes I had become a new
man. Moreover, when the colonel would know how I had gotten the name of
doctor, I told them the whole story of my journey from Paris to
Philippsburg and how many peasants I had cheated to fill my belly: at
which they laughed heartily. And in the end I confessed openly it had
been my intention so to vex and weary him, the colonel, with all manner
of tricks, that he must at last turn me out of the garrison, if he
would live at peace from all the complaints that I caused him.
Thereupon he told of many rogueries I had committed while in the
garrison, for example, how I had boiled up beans, poured grease over
them, and sold the whole for pure grease; also sand for salt, filling
the sacks with sand below and salt above; and again, how I had made a
fool of one here and another there, and had made a jest of every man,
so that during the whole meal they spoke only of me. Yet had I not had
such a friend at court these same acts would have been held deserving
of severe punishment. And so I drew my conclusion how 'twould go at
court if a rogue should gain a prince's favour.
Our meal ended, we found the Jew had no horse which would serve
Herzbruder for me: but as he stood in such esteem that the colonel
could hardly afford to lose his good word, therefore he presented us
with one from his own stable, saddle and bridle and all, on which my
lord Simplicissimus was set and with his friend Herzbruder rode
joyfully forth from the fortress. And some of my comrades did cry,
"Good luck, brother, good luck," but others from envy, "The longer the
halter the greater the luck."
_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSES OF THE ORDER OF THE MARAUDER BROTHERS
Now on the way Herzbruder agreed with me that I should give myself out
for his cousin that I might receive greater respect: and he for his
part would get me a horse and a servant and send me to the regiment of
Neuneck, wherein I could serve as a volunteer till an officer's place
should fall vacant in the army, to which he could help me. And so in a
wink I became a fellow that looked like a good soldier: but in that
summer I did no great deeds, save that I helped to steal a few cattle
here and there in the Black Forest and made myself well acquainted with
the Breisgau and Alsace. For the rest, I had scant luck, for when my
servant and his horse had been captured by the Weimar troops at
Kenzingen I must needs work the other harder, and in the end so ride
him to death that I was fain to join the order of the "Merode-brüder."
My friend Herzbruder indeed would willingly have equipped me again: but
seeing that I had so soon got rid of the first two horses, he held
back, and thought to let me kick my heels till I had learned more
foresight: nor did I desire it, for I found in my new companions so
pleasant a society that till winter quarters should come I wished for
no better employ.
Now must I tell you somewhat of these Merode brothers, for without
doubt there be some, and specially those that be ignorant of war, that
know not who these people be. And so have I never found any writer that
hath included in his work an account of their manners, customs, rights,
and privileges: besides which 'tis well worth while that not only the
generals of these days but also the peasants should know what this
brotherhood is. And first as concerns their name, I do hope 'twill be
no disgrace to that honourable cavalier in whose service they got that
name, or I could not so openly tack it on to any man. For I once saw a
kind of shoe that had in place of eyelet-holes twisted cords, that a
man might more easily stamp through the mud: and these were called
Mansfeld's shoes because his troops first devised them. Yet should any
call Count Mansfeld himself "Cobbler" on that account, I would count
him for a fool. And so must you understand this name, that will last as
long as Germans do make war: and this was the beginning of it: when
this gentleman (Merode) first brought a newly raised regiment to the
army his recruits proved as weak and crazy in body as the Bretons,[29]
so that they could not endure the marching and other fatigues to which
a soldier must submit in the field, for which reason their brigade soon
became so weak that it could hardly protect the colours, and wherever
you found one or more sick and lame in the market-place or in houses,
and behind fences and hedges, and asked, "Of what regiment?" the answer
was wellnigh always "Of Merode."
Hence it arose that at length all that, whether sick or sound, wounded
or not, were found straggling off the line of march or else did not
have their quarters in the field with their own regiment, were called
"Merode-brothers," just as before they were known as "swine-catchers"
and "bee-taylors": for they be like to the drones in the beehives which
when they have lost their sting can work no more nor make honey, but
only eat. If a trooper lose his horse or a musqueteer his health, or
his wife and child fall ill and must stay behind, at once you have a
pair and a half of Merode-brothers, a crew that can be compared with
none but gipsies, for not only do they straggle round the army in
front, in the flanks, in the middle, as it pleases them, but also they
be like the gipsies in manners and customs. For you can see them
huddled together (like partridges in winter) behind the hedges in the
shade or, if the season require it, in the sun, or else lying round a
fire smoking tobacco and idling, while the good soldier meanwhile must
endure with the colours heat, thirst, hunger, and all manner of misery.
Here again goes a pack of them pilfering alongside the line of march,
while many a poor soldier is ready to sink under the weight of his
arms. They plunder all they can find before, behind, and beside the
army: and what they cannot consume that they spoil, so that the
regiments, when they come to their quarters or into camp, do often find
not even a good draught of water; and when they are strictly forced to
stay with the baggage-train, you will often find this greater in number
than the army itself. And though they do march together and lodge
together, fight and make common cause, yet have they no captain to
order them, no Feldwebel nor sergeant to dust their jackets, no
corporal to rouse them up, no drummer to summon them to picket or
bivouac duty, and, in a word, no one to bring them into the line of
battle like an adjutant nor to assign them their lodgings like a
quartermaster, but they live like noblemen. Howbeit whenever a
commissariat-officer comes, they are the first to claim their share,
undeserved though it be. Yet are the Provost-marshal and his fellows
their greatest plague, being such as at times, when they play their
tricks too scurvily, do set iron bracelets on their hands and feet, or
even adorn them with a hempen collar and hang them up by their precious
necks. They keep no watch, they dig no trenches, they serve on no
forlorn hope, and they will never fight in line of battle, yet they be
well nourished and fed. But what damage the general, the peasant, and
the whole army, in which many such companions are to be found, do
suffer, is not to be described. The basest of horse-boys, that doth
naught but forage, is worth to the general more than one thousand such,
that do make a trade of such foraging and lie at ease without excuse
upon their bear-skins,[30] till they be taken off by the adversary or
be rapped over the fingers when they do meddle with the peasants. So is
the army weakened and the enemy strengthened: and even if a scurvy
rogue of this kind (I mean not the poor sick man, but the riders
without horses that for sheer neglect do let their horses perish, and
betake themselves to the brotherhood to save their skins) do so pass
the summer, yet all the use one can have of him is to equip him again
for the winter at great cost that he may have somewhat to lose in the
next campaign. 'Twere well to couple such together like greyhounds and
teach them to make war in garrison towns, or even make them toil in
chains in the galleys, if they will not serve on foot in the field till
they can get a horse again. I say naught here of the many villages
that, by chance or by malice, have been burned down by them; how many
of their own comrades they entice away, plunder, rob, and even murder,
nor how many a spy can be concealed among them if he know but enough to
give the name of a regiment and a company in the army. To this
honourable brotherhood I now must belong, and so remained till the day
before the Battle of Wittenweier, at which time our headquarters were
at Schüttern: for going then with my comrades into the county of
Geroldseck to steal cows and oxen I was taken prisoner by the troops of
Weimar, that knew far better how to treat us, for they made us take
musquets and distributed us in different regiments: and so I came into
Hattstein's regiment.
_Chap. xii._: OF A DESPERATE FIGHT FOR LIFE IN WHICH EACH PARTY DOTH
YET ESCAPE DEATH
Now could I well understand I was born but for misfortune, for some
weeks before the engagement happened I heard some lower officers of
Götz's army that talked of our war: and says one, "Without a battle
will this summer not pass: and if we win, in the next winter we shall
surely take Freiburg and the Forest-towns: but if we earn a defeat we
shall earn winter quarters too." Upon this prophecy I laid my plans and
said to myself, "Now rejoice thee, Simplicissimus, for next spring thou
wilt drink good wine of the Lake and the Neckar and wilt enjoy all that
the troops of Weimar can win." Yet therein I was mightily deceived, for
being now of those troops myself, I was predestinated to help lay siege
to Breisach, for that siege was fully set afoot presently after the
Battle of Wittenweier, and there must I, like other musqueteers, watch
and dig trenches day and night, and gained naught thereby save that I
learnt how to assail a fortress by approaches, to which matter I had
paid but scant attention in the camp before Magdeburg. For the rest, I
was but lousily provided for, for two or three must lodge together, our
purses were empty, and so were wine, beer, and meat a rarity. Apples,
with half as much bread as I could eat, were my finest dainties. And
'twas hard for me to bear this when I reflected on the fleshpots of
Egypt, that is, on the Westphalian hams and sausages of Lippstadt. Yet
did I think but little on my wife, and when I did so I did but plague
myself with the thought that she might be untrue to me. At last was I
so impatient that I declared to my captain how my affairs stood and
wrote by the post to Lippstadt, and so heard from Colonel Saint André
and my father-in-law that they had, by letters to the Duke of Weimar,
secured that my captain should let me go with a pass.