Now they that know the worth of money, and therefore take it for their

god, have no little reason on their side; for if there be a man in the

world that hath experienced its powers and wellnigh divine virtues,

that man am I. For I know how a man fares that hath a fair provision

thereof; yet have I never yet known how he should feel that had never a

farthing in his pouch. Yea, I could even take upon me to prove that

this same money possesses all virtues and powers more than any precious

stones; for it can drive away all melancholia like the diamond: it

causeth love and inclination to study, like the emerald (for so comes

it that commonly students have more money than poor folk's children):

it taketh away fear and maketh man joyful and happy like unto the ruby:

'tis often an hindrance to sleep, like the garnet: on the other hand,

it hath great power to produce repose of mind and so sleep, like the

jacinth: it strengtheneth the heart and maketh a man jolly and

companionable, lively and kind, like the sapphire and amethyst: it

driveth away bad dreams, giveth joy, sharpeneth the understanding, and

if one have a plaint against another it gaineth him the victory, like

the sardius (and in especial if the judge's palm be first well oiled

therewith): it quencheth unchaste desire, for by means of gold one can

possess fair women: and in a word, 'tis not to be exprest what gold can

do, as I have before set forth in my book intituled "Black and White,"

if any man know how rightly to use and employ this information. As to

mine own money that I had then brought together, both with robbery and

the finding of this treasure, it had a special power of its own: for

first of all it made me prouder than I was before, so much so that it

vexed me to the heart that I must still be called "Simplicissimus"

only. It spoiled my sleep like the amethyst: for many a night I lay

awake and did speculate how I could put it out to advantage and get

more to put to it. Yea, and it made me a most perfect reckoner, for I

must calculate what mine uncoined silver and gold might be worth, and

adding this to that which I had borrowed here and there, and which yet

was in my purse, I found without the precious stones a fine overplus.

Yet did my money prove to me its inborn roguery and evil inclination to

temptation, inasmuch as it did fully expound to me the proverb "He that

hath much will ever have more," and made me so miserly that any man

might well have hated me. From my money I got many foolish plans and

strange fancies in my brain, and yet could follow out no conceit of all

that I devised. At one time I thought I would leave the wars and betake

myself somewhither and spend my days in fatness a-looking out of the

window; but quickly I did repent me of that, and in especial because I

considered what a free life I now led and what hopes I had to become a

great Jack. And then my thought was this, "Up and away, Simplicissimus,

and get thyself made a nobleman and raise thine own company of dragoons

for the emperor at thine own cost: and presently thou art a perfected

young lord that with the times can rise yet higher." Yet as soon as I

reflected that this my greatness could be made small by any unlucky

engagement, or be ended by a peace that should bring the war soon to a

finish, I could not find this plan to my taste. So then I began to wish

I had my full age as a man: for hadst thou that, said I to myself, thou

couldst take a rich young wife, and so buy thee a nobleman's estate

somewhere and lead a peaceful life. There would I betake myself to the

rearing of cattle and enjoy my sufficiency to the full: yet as I knew I

was too young for this, I must let that plan go by the board also.

Such and the like conceits had I many, till at last I resolved to give

over my best effects to some man of substance in some safe town to

keep, and to wait how fortune would further deal with me. Now at that

time I had my Jupiter still with me: for indeed I could not be rid of

him: and at times the man could talk most reasonably and for weeks

together would be sane and sober: but above all things he held me dear

for my goodness to him; and seeing me in deep thought he says to me,

"Dear son, give away your blood-money; gold, silver, and all." "And

why?" said I, "dear Jupiter?" "Oh," says he, "to get you friends and be

rid of your useless cares." To which I answered, "I would fain have

more of such." Then says he, "Get more: but in such fashion will ye

never in your life have more friends nor more peace: leave it to old

misers to be greedy, but do ye so behave as becomes a fine young lad:

for ye shall sooner lack good friends than good money."

So I pondered on the matter, and found that Jupiter reasoned well of

the case: yet greed had such hold on me that I could not resolve to

give away aught. Yet I did at last present to the commandant a pair of

silver-gilt double tankards and to my captain a couple of silver

salt-cellars, by which I achieved nothing more than to make their

mouths water for the rest: for these were rare pieces of antiquity. My

true comrade Jump-i'-th'-field I rewarded with twelve rix-dollars; who

in return advised me I should either make away with my riches or else

expect to fall into misfortune by their means: for, said he, it liked

the officers not that a common soldier should have more money than

they: and he himself had known this: that one comrade should secretly

murder another for the sake of money: till now, said he, I had been

able to keep secret what I had gotten in booty, for all believed I had

spent it on clothes, horses, and arms: but now I could conceal nought

nor make folks believe I had no secret store of money: for each one

made out the treasure I had found to be greater than it was: and yet I

spent not so much as before. Nor could he help but hear what rumours

went about among the men: and were he in my place he would let wars be

wars: would settle himself in safety somewhere, and let our Lord God

rule the world as He will. But I answered, "Harkye, brother, how

can I throw to the winds my hopes of an ensigncy?" "Yea, yea," says

Jump-i'-th'-field, "but devil take me if thou ever get thine ensigncy.

The others that wait for it would help to break thy neck a thousand

times over if they saw that such a post was vacant and thou to have it.

Teach me not how to know salmon from trout, for my father was a

fisherman! And be not angry with me, brother, for I have seen how it

fares in war longer than thou. Seest thou not how many a sergeant

grows grey with his spontoon that deserved to have a company before

many others. Thinkest thou they are not fellows that have some

right to hope? And indeed they have more right to such promotion than

thou, as thou thyself must confess." Nor could I answer aught, for

Jump-i'-th'-field did but speak the truth from an honest German heart,

and flattered me not: yet must I bite my lip in secret: for I thought

at that time mighty well of myself. Yet I weighed this speech and that

of my Jupiter full carefully, and considered that I had no single

natural-born friend that would help me in straits or would revenge my

death open or secret. And I myself could see plain enough how it stood

with me: yet neither my desire of honour nor of money would leave me:

and still less my hope to become great, to leave the wars, and to be in

peace; nay, rather I held to my first plan; and when a chance offered

for Cologne, whither I, with some hundred dragoons, was ordered to

convoy certain carriers and waggons of merchandise from Münster, I

packed up my treasure, took it with me, and gave it in charge to one of

the first merchants of that city to be drawn out on production of an

exact list of the things. Now it was seventy-four marks of uncoined

silver, fifteen marks of gold, eighty Joachim dollars, and in a sealed

casquet divers rings and jewels, which, with gold and precious stones,

weighed eight and a half pounds in all, together with 893 ancient

golden coins that were worth each a gold gulden and a half. With me I

took my Jupiter, as he desired it, and had kinsfolk of repute in

Cologne: to whom he boasted of the good turns I had done him and caused

me to be received of them with great honour. Yet did he never cease to

counsel me that I should bestow my money better and buy myself friends

that would be of more service to me than money in my purse.

_Chap. xiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WAS CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY

So on the journey home I pondered much how I should carry myself in

future, so that I might get the favour of all: for Jump-i'-th'-field

had put a troublesome flea in my ear, and had made me to believe I was

envied of all: and in truth 'twas no otherwise. And now came into my

mind what the famous prophetess of Soest had once said,[24] and so I

burdened myself with yet greater cares. Yet with these thoughts did I

sharpen my wit, and perceived that a man that should live without cares

would be dull as any beast. Then I considered for what reason one and

the other might hate me, and how I might deal with each to have his

goodwill again, yet most of all must I wonder how men could be so false

and yet give me nought but good words whereas they loved me not. For

that cause I determined to deal as others did, and to say what would

please each, yea, to approach every man with respect though I felt it

not: for most of all I felt 'twas mine own pride had burdened me with

the most enemies. Therefore I held it needful to shew myself humble

again, though I was not, and to consort again with common folk, but to

approach my betters hat in hand and to refrain from all finery in dress

till my rank should be bettered. From the merchant in Cologne I had

drawn 100 dollars, to repay the same with interest when he should

return my treasure: these hundred dollars I was minded to spend on the

way for the behoof of the escort, as now perceiving that greed makes no

friends, and therefore was resolved on this very journey to alter my

ways and make a new beginning. Yet did I reckon without mine host; for

as we would pass through the duchy of Berg there waited for us in a

post of vantage eighty musqueteers and fifty troopers, even when I was

ordered forward with four others and a corporal to ride in front and to

spy out the road. So the enemy kept quiet when we came into the ambush

and let us pass, lest if they had attacked us the convoy should be

warned before they came into the pass where they were: but after us

they sent a cornet and eight troopers that kept us in sight till their

people had attacked our escort itself, and we turned round to protect

the waggons: at which they rode down upon us and asked, would we have

quarter. Now for my part I was well mounted: for I had my best horse

under me: yet would I not run, but rode up a little hillock to see if

honour was to be had by fighting. Yet I was presently aware, by the

noise of the volley that our people received, what o'clock it was, and

so disposed myself to flight. But the cornet had thought of all, and

already cut off our retreat, and as I was preparing to cut my way

through he once again offered me quarter, for he thought me an officer.

So I considered that to make sure of one's life is better than an

uncertain hazard, and therefore asked, would he keep his promise of

quarter as an honest soldier: he answered, "Yes, honestly." So I

presented him my sword and rendered myself up a prisoner. At once he

asked me of what condition I was: for he took me for a nobleman and

therefore an officer. But when I answered him, I was called the

Huntsman of Soest, "Then art thou lucky," says he, "that thou didst not

fall into our hands a month ago: for then could I have given thee no

quarter, since then thou wast commonly held among our people for a

declared sorcerer."

This cornet was a fine young cavalier and not more than two years older

than I, and was mightily proud to have the honour of taking the famous

huntsman: therefore he observed the promised quarter very honourably

and in Dutch fashion, which is to take from their Spanish prisoners of

war nothing that they carry under their belt: nay, he did not even have

me searched; but I had wit enough to take the money out of my pockets

and present it to him when they came to a division of spoils; and also

I told the cornet secretly to look to it that he got as his share my

horse, saddle, and harness, for he would find thirty ducats in the

saddle, and the horse had hardly his equal anywhere. And for this cause

the cornet was as much my friend as if I had been his own brother: for

at once he mounted my horse and set me on his own. But of the escort no

more than six were dead, and thirteen prisoners, of whom eight were

wounded: the rest fled and had not heart enough to retake the booty

from the enemy in fair field, the which they could have done, as being

all mounted men against infantry.

Now when the plunder and the prisoners had been shared, the Swedes and

Hessians (for they were from different garrisons) separated the same

evening. But the cornet kept me and the corporal, together with three

other dragoons, as his share because he had captured us: and so were we

brought to a fortress which lay but a few miles from our own

garrison.[25] And inasmuch as I had raised plenty of smoke in that town

before, my name was there well known and I myself more feared than

loved. So when we had the place in sight the cornet sent a trooper in

advance to announce his coming to the commandant, and to tell him how

he had fared and who the prisoners were, whereat there was a concourse

in the town that was not to be described, for each would fain see the

huntsman. One said this of me, and another that; and the sight was for

all the world as if some great potentate had made his entry. But we

prisoners were brought straight to the commandant, who was much amazed

at my youth; and asked, had I never served on the Swedish side, and of

what country I was: and when I told him the truth he would know if I

had no desire to serve again on their side. I answered him that in

other respects 'twas to me indifferent: but that I had sworn an oath to

the emperor and therefore methought 'twas my duty to keep such.

Thereupon he ordered us to be taken to the prize-master, but allowed

the cornet, at his request, to treat us as his guests, because I had

before so treated mine own prisoners and among them his own brother. So

when evening was come there was a gathering both of soldiers of fortune

and cavaliers of birth at the cornet's quarters, who sent for me and

the corporal: and there was I, to speak the truth, extraordinary

courteously entreated by them. I made merry as if I had lost nothing,

and carried myself as confidently and open-hearted as I had been no

prisoner in the hands of my enemy but among my best friends. Yet I

shewed myself as modest as might be; for I could well imagine that my

behaviour would be noted to the commandant, which was so, as I

afterwards learned.

Next day we prisoners, one after another, were brought before the

regimental judge-advocate-general, who examined us, the corporal first,

and me second. But as soon as I entered the room he was filled with

wonder at my youth, and to cast it in my teeth, "My child," says he,

"what have the Swedes done to thee that thou shouldst fight against

them?"

Now this angered me: for I had seen as young soldiers among them as I

was: so I answered, "The Swedes had robbed me of my coral and bells and

my baby's rattle, and I would have them back." And as I thus paid him

back in his own coin, the officers that sat by him were shamed,

insomuch that one of them began to say to him in Latin he should treat

me seriously, for he could hear that it was no child that he had before

him. In that I was ware that his name was Eusebius; for the officer so

addressed him. So presently when he had asked my name, and I had told

him, "There is no devil in hell," says he, "that is called

Simplicissimus." "Nay," answered I, "and 'tis like there is none named

Eusebius." And so I paid him back like our old muster-clerk Cyriack;

yet this pleased not the officers, who bade me remember I was their

prisoner, and was not brought there to pass jests. At this reproof I

blushed not, but answered: inasmuch as they held me prisoner like a

soldier, and would not let me run away like a child, I had taken care

that they should not make sport with me as with a child: as I had been

questioned, so had I answered and hoped I had done no wrong therein. So

they asked me of my country and my family, but especially if I had

never served on the Swedish side: item, how it was with the garrison of

Soest: how strong it was, and all the rest. To all which I answered

quick and short and well, and in respect of Soest and its garrison as

much as I could confidently state: yet I might well keep silence

concerning my life as a jester, for of this I was ashamed.

_Chap. xv._: ON WHAT CONDITION THE HUNTSMAN WAS SET FREE

Meanwhile 'twas known at Soest how it had fared with the convoy, how I

and the corporal had been captured and whither we had been taken; and

therefore next day came a drummer to fetch us back: whereupon the

corporal and the three others were delivered up, together with a letter

to the following purport (for the commandant sent it to me to read):

"Monsieur, etc.,--By the bearer, your tambour, your message hath been

delivered: and in answer thereto I restore herewith, in return for

ransom received, the corporal and the three other prisoners: but as

concerns Simplicissimus, called the Huntsman, the same cannot be

allowed to return, as having once served on this side. But if I can

serve your honour in any matters short of those touching my allegiance,

you have in me a willing servant, and as such I remain,

"Your honour's obedient servant,

"[DANIEL] DE S[AINT] A[NDRÉ]."[26]

Now this letter did not half please me, yet I must return thanks to him

for suffering me to see it. But when I asked to speak with the

commandant I received answer he would himself send for me as soon as he

had despatched the drummer, which should be done next morning: till

then I must be patient.

So when I had waited the appointed time, the commandant sent for me,

and that just at dinner-time, and then for the first time the honour

fell to me of sitting at table with him. And so long as the meal lasted

he drank to my health and said no word, great or small, of the business

he had with me; nor was it my part to begin. But the meal now ended and

I being somewhat fuddled, says he, "My friend the Huntsman, ye will

have understood from my letter under what pretext I have kept ye here:

and indeed I intend no wrong or anything contrary to reason and the

usage of war, for yourself have confessed to me and the judge-advocate

that you once served on our side in the main army, and therefore must

resolve yourself to take service under my command. And in time, if ye

behave yourself well, I will so advance you as ye could never have

hoped for among the Imperials, otherwise ye must not take it ill if I

send you to that lieutenant-colonel from whom the dragoons before

captured you." To which I answered, "Worshipful colonel" (for at that

time 'twas not the usage that soldiers of fortune were entitled "your

honour" even though they were colonels), "I hope, since I am bound by

oath neither to the crown of Sweden nor its confederates, and still

less to that lieutenant-colonel, that I am therefore not bound to take

service with the Swedes and so to break the oath which I swore to the

emperor, and therefore beg the worshipful colonel with all humility to

be good enough to relieve me from such a proposal." "How?" says the

colonel, "do ye despise the Swedish service? I would have you to know

ye are my prisoner, and sooner than let you go to Soest to do the enemy

service I will bring you to another trial, or let you rot in prison."

And so, said he, I might lay my account.

Truly at these words I was afeared, yet would not yet give in, but

answered, God would protect me both from such despiteful treatment and

from perjury: for the rest, I persisted in my humble hope that the

colonel would, according to his known reputation, deal with me as with

a soldier. "Yea," said he, "I know well how I could treat ye if I would

be strict; but be ye better advised, lest I find cause to shew you

other countenance." And with that I was led back to the prison.

And now can any man easily guess that I slept not much that night, but

had all manner of thoughts: and next morning came certain officers with

the cornet that had taken me, under colour of passing the time, but in

truth to tell me that the colonel was minded to have me tried as a

sorcerer if I would not otherwise be content. So would they have

terrified me, and found out what my powers were: yet as I had the

comfort of a good conscience, I took all coolly and said but little, as

seeing well that the colonel cared for nothing but this: that he would

fain have me no more at Soest. And well might he suppose that if he

once let me go I should not leave that place, where I hoped for

promotion, and moreover had two fine horses there and other things of

price. Next day he had me brought to him again and asked, had I

resolved otherwise. So I answered, "Colonel, to this I am determined,

that I will sooner die than be perjured. Yet if the worshipful colonel

will set me free and be pleased not to call upon me to do any warlike

service, then will I promise him with heart, mouth, and hand to bear

and use no arms against the Swedes and Hessians for the space of six

months."

To that he agreed at once, gave me his hand upon it, and forgave me my

ransom; further, he commanded his secretary to draw up an agreement to

that effect in duplicate, which we both subscribed, wherein he promised

me protection and all freedom so long as I should remain in the

fortress entrusted to him. On the other hand, I bound myself to the two

points above named, videlicet: that I, so long as I should sojourn in

the said fortress, would neither undertake anything to the hurt of the

garrison and its commander, nor would conceal aught that was intended

to their prejudice and damage, but would much more further their

profit and benefit, and prevent any damage to them to the best of my

ability--yea, that if the place were attacked I should and would help

to defend it.

Thereupon he kept me to dine with him again, and shewed me more honour

than I could in all my lifetime have looked for from the Imperials: and

so by little and little he won me over, till I would not have returned

to Soest even if he had let me go thither and had accounted me free

from my promise.

_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A NOBLEMAN

When a thing is to be, all things shape themselves to that end. Now did

I conceive that fortune had taken me to husband, or at least bound

herself so close to me that the most contrary happenings must turn out

to my profit: as when I learned at the commandant's table that my

servant with my two fine horses had come from Soest. But I knew not

(what at last I found) that tricky Fortune hath the sirens' art, who do

shew themselves kindest to those to whom they wish most harm, and so

doth raise a man the higher but for this end: to cast him down the

deeper. Now this servant, which I had before captured from the Swedes,

was beyond measure true to me, who had done him great kindnesses. He

therefore had saddled my two horses and rode out a good way from Soest

to meet the drummer that should bring me back, that not only I might

not have to walk so far, but also that I might not have to return to

Soest naked or in rags: for he conceived I had been stripped. So when

he met the drummer and the rest of the prisoners there he had my best

clothing in a pack. But when he saw me not, but understood I was kept

back to take service with the adversary, he set spurs to his horse and

says he, "Adieu, tambours, and you too. Corporal: where my master is

there will I be also," so he escaped and came to me at the very time

when the commandant had set me free and was shewing me such great

honour: who thereupon bestowed my horses in an inn till I could find

for myself a lodging to my liking, and called me fortunate by reason of

my servant's faith, yet wondered that I, as a common dragoon, and so

young to boot, should possess such fine horses and be so well equipped;

nay, when I had taken leave and would go to my inn he praised one horse

so loudly that I marked well he would fain have bought him from me. Yet

because from modesty he ventured not to make a bid, I said if I might

beg for the honour of his keeping the horse it was at his service. But

he refused roundly, more because I was fairly tipsy, and he would not

have the reproach of talking a present out of a drunken man, who might

thereafter repent of it, than because he would not fain have had that

noble horse.

That night I did consider how I would order my life in time to come;

and did decide to remain for the six months even where I was, and so in

peace to spend the winter which was now at hand, for which I knew I had

money enough for my purposes, without breaking into my treasure at

Cologne. "In so long a time," thought I, "thou wilt be full grown and

come to thy full strength, and so canst thou next spring take the field

with more boldness among the emperor's troops."

Early next morning I reviewed my saddle, which was far better lined

than the one I had presented to the cornet: and later on I had my horse

led to the colonel's quarters and told him: as I had determined to

spend the six months in which 'twas forbidden me to fight, peaceably

and under the colonel's protection, here, my horses were of no use to

me, which yet 'twere pity should be spoiled, and therefore begged him

that he would consent to grant this charger here present a place among

his own horses, and accept the same from me as a mark of grateful

acknowledgment of favours received, and that without scruple. The

colonel returned me thanks with great civility and very courteous

offers of service, and the same afternoon sent me by his steward one

fat ox alive, two fat pigs, a hogshead of wine, two hogsheads of beer,

twelve cords of firewood; all which he caused to be brought to me in

front of my new lodging, which I had even now hired for half a year,

and sent a message: that as he saw I was to live with him, and could

easily conceive that I was at first ill-provided with victual, he had

therefore sent me for household use a draught of wine and a joint of

meat, together with the fuel to cook the same: with this in addition,

that whereinsoever he could help me he would not fail. For which I

returned thanks as civilly as I could: presented the steward with two

ducats, and begged him to commend me to his master.

So when I saw I had gained such credit with the colonel for my

liberality, I thought to earn praise also among the common folk, that

none should take me for a mere malingerer: to that end I had my servant

called before me in presence of my landlord, and "Friend Nicolas," said

I, "thou hast shewn me more faithfulness than any master can expect

from his servant; but now, when I know not how to make it up to thee,

as having no master and no leave to fight, wherefrom I might gain booty

enough to reward thee as I would fain do, and in respect also of the

peaceful life which I do intend henceforth to live, and therefore do

need no servitor, I herewith give thee as thy pay the other horse, with

saddle, harness and pistols, with the request that thou wouldst be

content for the present to seek another master. And if I hereafter can

serve thee in any way, do thou not fail to ask me." With that he kissed

my hands and for tears could not speak, but would by no means have the

horse, but held it better I should turn it into money to use for my

maintenance. Yet at last I persuaded him to take it, after I had

promised to take him again into my service so soon as I should need a

man. At this parting my landlord was so moved that his eyes also filled

with tears: and as my servant exalted me among the soldiers for this

action, so did my landlord among the citizens.

As to the commandant, he held me for so determined a fellow that he

would have ventured to build upon my word, since I did not only truly

keep the oath I had sworn to the emperor, but in order to keep that

other promise, which I had made to himself, with great strictness had

rid myself of my fine horses, my arms, and my most faithful servant.

_Chap. xvii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN DISPOSED HIMSELF TO PASS HIS SIX

MONTHS: AND ALSO SOMEWHAT OF THE PROPHETESS

I do think there is no man in the world that hath not a bee in his

bonnet, for we be all men of one mould and by mine own fruits I can

mark how others' ripen. Oh coxcomb! say you; if thou beest a fool,

thinkest thou others must be too? Nay, that were to say too much: but

this I maintain, that one man can hide his folly better than another.

Nor is a man a fool because he hath foolish fantasies, for in youth we

do all have the like: and he that lets those fantasies run loose is

held to be a fool because others keep the fool concealed, and others do

but shew the half of him. They that keep such whims under altogether be

but peevish fellows, but they that now and then allow them (as time

affords an opportunity) to shew their ears and put their heads out of

window to get air lest they be choked, these I hold for the best and

wisest men. Mine own fantasies I let forth only too far, as seeing

myself so free and well provided with money; so that I took me a lad

whom I clothed as a nobleman's page, and that in the most fantastic

colours, to wit, light brown bordered with yellow, which must be my

livery, for so I fancied it: and he must wait upon me as if I were a

nobleman and not until just before a common dragoon; yea, and half a

year before a poor horse-boy.

Now this, the first folly I committed in this town, though 'twas pretty

gross, yet was remarked by none, much less blamed. But why? The world

is so full of such fooleries that none marks them now, nor laughs at

them, nor wonders at them, for all are used to them. And so was I held

for a wise and good soldier, and not for a fool only fit for baby's

shoes. Then I bargained with my landlord for the feeding of my page and

myself, and gave him, as payment on account, what the commandant had

presented to me, as far as concerns food and fuel: but for the drink my

page must keep the key, for I was very willing to give of such to all

that visited me. And since I was neither citizen nor soldier, and

therefore had no equals that were bound to keep me company, I consorted

with both sides, and therefore daily found comrades enough; and these I

sent not away dry. Among the citizens I had most friendship with the

organist, for music I loved and, without bragging, had an excellent

voice which I had no mind to let rust: this man taught me how to

compose, and to play better upon that instrument, as also upon the

harp: on the lute I was already a master; so I got me one of mine own

and daily diverted myself with it. And when I was tired of music I

would send for that furrier that had instructed me in the use of all

arms in Paradise, and with him exercised myself to be yet more perfect.

Also I obtained leave from the commandant that one of his artillerymen

should instruct me in gunnery and something of artillery-practice for a

proper reward. For the rest, I kept myself quiet and retired, so that

people wondered, seeing how I, that had been used to plunder and

bloodshed, now sat always over my books like a student.

But my host was the commandant's spy and my keeper, for well I noted

that he reported to him all my ways and works; but that suited me well

enough, for of warfare I had never a thought, and if there was talk of

it I behaved myself as I had never been a soldier, and was only there

to perform my daily exercises, of which I but now made mention. 'Tis

true I wished my six months at an end: yet could no man guess which

side I would then serve. As often as I waited on the colonel he would

have me to dine with him: and then at times the converse was so

arranged that my intention might be known therefrom: but ever I

answered so discreetly that none could know what I did mean. So once

when he said to me, "How is't with ye, Huntsman? Will ye not yet turn

Swede? An ensign of mine is dead yesterday," I made answer, "Worshipful

colonel, seeing that it is but decent for a woman not to marry at once

again after her husband's death, should I not also wait my six months?"

In such fashion I escaped every time, and gained the colonel's good

will more and more; so much so that he allowed me to take my walks both

inside and outside the fortress: yea, at last I might hunt the hares,

partridges, and birds, which was not permitted to his own soldiers.

Likewise did I fish in the Lippe, and was so lucky at that, that it

seemed as if I could conjure both fish and crayfish out of the water.

For this I caused to be made a rough hunting-suit only, in which I

crept by night into the territory of Soest and collected my hidden

treasures from here and there, and brought them to the said fortress,

and so behaved as if I would for ever dwell among the Swedes.

By the same way came the prophetess of Soest to me and said, "Lookye,

my son, did I not counsel thee well before that thou shouldst hide thy

money outside the town of Soest? I do assure thee 'tis thy greater good

luck to have been captured: for hadst thou returned to Soest, certain

fellows that had sworn thy death, because thou wast preferred to them

among the women, would have murdered thee in thy hunting." So I asked,

"How could any be jealous of me, that meddled with women not at all?"

"Oh," says she, "of that opinion that thou art now, wilt thou not long

remain: or the women will drive thee out of the country with mockery

and shame. Thou hast ever laughed at me when I foretold thee aught:

wouldest thou once more refuse to believe me if I told thee more? Dost

thou not find in the place where thou art better friends than in Soest?

I do swear to thee they hold thee only too dear, and that such

exceeding love will turn to thy harm, if thou submit not to it." So I

answered her, if she truly knew so much as she gave out, she should

reveal to me how it stood with my parents and whether I should ever in

my life come to them again: she should not be so dark in her sayings,

but out with it in good German. Thereupon she said I might ask after my

parents when my foster-father should meet me unawares, and lead my

wet-nurse's daughter by a string: with that she laughed loud, and at

the end said, she had of her own accord told to me more than to others

that had begged it of her.

But as I began to jest upon her she quickly took herself away, after I

had presented her with a few thalers; for I had more silver coin than I

could easily carry, having at that time a pretty sum of money and many

rings and jewels of great price: for before this, whenever I heard of

precious stones among the soldiers, or found such on expeditions or

elsewhere, I bought them, and that for less than half the money they

were worth. Such treasures did always cry aloud to me to let them be

seen in public: and I did willingly obey, for being of a pretty proud

temper, I made a show with my wealth and feared not to let mine host

see it, who made it out to others as greater than it was. And they did

wonder whence I had gathered it all together, it being well known that

I had made deposit at Cologne of the treasure I had found, for the

cornet had read the merchant's receipt when he took me prisoner.

_Chap. xviii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT A WOOING, AND MADE A TRADE OF IT

My intent to learn artillery practice and fencing in these six months

was good, and that I knew: yet 'twas not enough to protect me from

idleness, which is the root of many evils, and especially ill for me

because I had no one to command me. 'Tis true I sat industriously over

books of all sorts, from which I learned much good: but a few came into

my hands which were as good for me as grass for a sick dog. The

incomparable "Arcadia," from which I sought to learn eloquence, was the

first book that led me aside from good stories to books of love and

from true history to romances of chivalry. Such sort of books I

collected wherever I could, and when I found one I ceased not till I

had read it through, though I should sit day and night over it. But

these taught me, instead of eloquence, to practise lechery. Yet was

such desire at no time so violent and strong that one could, with

Seneca, call it a divine frenzy or, as it is described in Thomas

Thomai's "Forest Garden," a serious sickness. For where I took a fancy

there I had what I desired easily and without great trouble: and so had

I no cause to complain as other wooers and lechers have had, which are

chock full of fantastic thoughts, troubles, desires, secret pangs,

anger, jealousy, revenge, madness, tears, bragging, threats and

numberless other follies, and for sheer impatience wish for death. For

I had money and was not too careful of it, and besides I had a fine

voice, which daily I exercised with all manner of instruments. Instead

of shewing my bodily skill in the dance, which I did never love, I did

display it in fencing, engaging with my furrier: moreover, I had a fine

smooth face, and did practise myself in a certain gracious amiableness,

so that the women, even those that I did not greatly seek after, did of

themselves run after me, and that more than I desired.

About this time came Martinmas: then with us Germans begins the eating

and swilling, and that feast is full conscientiously observed till

Shrovetide: so was I invited to different houses, both among the

officers and burghers, to help eat the Martinmas goose. So 'twas that

on such occasions I made acquaintance with the ladies. For my lute and

my songs made all to look my way, and when they so looked, then was I

ready to add such charming looks and actions to my new love-songs

(which I did myself compose) that many a fair maid was befooled, and

ere she knew it was in love with me. Yet lest I should be held for a

curmudgeon I gave likewise two banquets, one for the officers and one

for the chief citizens, by which means I gained me favour of both

parties and an entry to their houses; for I spared no expense in my

entertainment. But all this was but for the sake of the sweet maids,

and though I did not at once find what I sought with each and everyone

(for some there were that could deny me), yet I went often to these

also, that so they might bring them that did shew me more favour than

becomes modest maidens into no suspicion, but might believe that I

visited these last also only for the sake of conversation. And so

separately I persuaded each one to believe this of the others, and to

think she was the only one that enjoyed my love. Just six I had that

loved me well and I them in return: yet none possessed my heart or me

alone: in one 'twas but the black eyes that pleased me; in another the

golden hair; in a third a winning sweetness; and in the others was also

somewhat that the rest had not. But if I, besides these, also visited

others, 'twas either for the cause I mentioned or because their

acquaintance was new and strange to me, and in any case I refused and

despised nothing, as not purposing always to remain in the same place.

My page, which was an arch-rogue, had enough to do with carrying of

love-letters back and forth, and knew how to keep his mouth shut and my

loose ways so secret from one and the other that nought was discovered:

in reward for which he had from the baggages many presents, which yet

cost me most, seeing that I spent a little fortune on them, and could

well say, "What is won with the drum is lost with the fife." All the

same, I kept my affairs so secret that not one man in a hundred would

have taken me for a rake, save only the priest, from whom I borrowed

not so many good books as formerly.

_Chap. xix._: BY WHAT MEANS THE HUNTSMAN MADE FRIENDS, AND HOW HE WAS

MOVED BY A SERMON

When Fortune will cast a man down, she raiseth him first to the

heights, and the good God doth faithfully warn every man before his

fall. Such a warning had I, but would have none of it. For I was

stiffly persuaded of this, that my fortune was so firmly founded that

no mishap could cast me down, because all, and specially the commandant

himself, wished me well; those that he valued I won over by all manner

of respect: his trusted servants I brought over to my side by presents,

and with them perhaps more than with mine equals I did drink

"Brotherhood" and swore to them everlasting faith and friendship: so,

too, the common citizens and soldiers loved me because I had a friendly

word for all. "What a kindly man," said they often, "is the huntsman;

He will talk with a child in the street, and hath a quarrel with no

man!" If I had shot a hare or a few partridges I would send them to the

kitchen of those whose friendship I sought, and also invited myself as

a guest; at which time I would always have a sup of wine (which was in

that place very dear) brought thither also: yea, I would so contrive it

that the whole cost would fall upon me. And when at such banquets I

fell in converse with any, I had praise for all save myself, and

managed so to feign humility as I had never known pride. So because I

thus gained the favour of all, and all thought much of me, I never

conceived that any misfortune could encounter me, especially since my

purse was still pretty well filled. Often I went to the oldest priest

of the town, who lent me many books from his library: and when I

brought one back then would he discourse of all manner of matters with

me, for we became so familiar together that one could easily bear with

the other. So when not only the Martinmas goose and the feast of

pudding-broth were gone and over, but also the Christmas holidays, I

presented to him for the New Year a bottle of Strassburg Branntwein,

the which he, after Westphalian use, liked to sip with sugar-candy, and

thereafter came to visit him, even as he was a-reading my "Joseph the

Chaste," which my host without my knowledge had lent him. I did blush

that my work should fall into the hands of so learned a man, especially

because men hold that one is best known by what he writes. But he would

have me to sit by him and praised my invention, yet blamed me that I

had lingered so long over the love-story of Zuleika (which was

Potiphar's wife). "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth

speaketh," said he moreover, "and if my friend had not known how it

fares with a wooer's heart he could never so well have treated of this

woman's passion or in so lively fashion pictured it."

I answered that what I had written was not mine own invention but

extracted from other books to give me some practice in writing. "Yes,

yes," says he, "of course I am pleased to believe it: yet may you be

sure I know more of your honour than he conceives." At these words I

was dismayed and thought, "Hath a little bird told thee?" But he,

seeing how I changed colour, went on to say, "Ye are lively and young,

idle and handsome. Ye do live a careless life, and as I hear in all

luxury: therefore do I beseech you in the Lord and exhort you to

consider in what an evil case you stand: beware of the beast with the

long hair, if you have any care for your happiness and health. Ye may

perhaps say, 'How concerneth it the priest what I do or not?' ('Rightly

guessed,' said I to myself) or, 'What right hath he to command me?'

'Tis true I have but the care of souls: but, sir, be assured that your

temporal good, as that of my benefactor, is for mere Christian love as

precious as if ye were mine own son. 'Tis ever a pity, and never can ye

answer such a charge before your heavenly Father if ye do bury the

talent He hath entrusted to you and leave to go to ruin that noble

understanding which I do perceive in this your writing. My faithful and

fatherly advice would be, ye should employ your youth and your means,

which ye now do waste in such purposeless wise, to study, that some day

ye may be helpful to God and man and yourself; and let war alone, in

which, as I do hear, ye have so great a delight; and before ye get a

shrewd knock and find the truth of that saying, 'Young soldiers make

old beggars.'" This predication I listened to with great impatience,

for I was not used to hear the like: yet I shewed not how I felt, lest

I should forfeit my reputation for politeness, but thanked him much for

his straightforwardness and promised him to reflect upon his advice:

yet thought I within myself, what did it concern the priest how I

ordered my life; for just then I was at the height of my good fortune,

and I could not do without those pleasures of dalliance I had once

enjoyed. So is it ever with such warnings, when youth is unaccustomed

to bit and bridle, and gallops hard away to meet destruction.

_Chap. xx._: HOW HE GAVE THE FAITHFUL PRIEST OTHER FISH TO FRY, TO

CAUSE HIM TO FORGET HIS OWN HOGGISH LIFE

Yet was I not so drowned in lust nor so dull as not to take care to

keep all men's affection so long as I was minded to sojourn in that

fortress, that is, till winter was over. And I knew well what trouble

it might breed for a man if he should earn the ill will of the clergy,

they being folk that in all nations, no matter of what religion they

be, enjoy great credit; so I put on my considering cap, and the very

next day I betook myself hot-foot to the said pastor, and told him in

fine words such a heap of lies, how I had resolved to follow his

advice, that he, as I could see from his carriage, was heartily

rejoiced thereat.

"Yea," said I, "up till this time, yea and in Soest also, there was

wanting for me nothing but such an angelic counsellor as I have found

in your reverence. Were but the winter over, or at least the weather

better, so that I could travel hence!" And thereafter I begged him to

assist me with his advice as to which University I should attend. To

that he answered, himself had studied in Leyden, but he would counsel

to go to Geneva, for by my speech I must be from the High Germany.

"Jesus Maria!" said I, "Geneva is farther from my home than Leyden."

"Can I believe mine ears?" says he, "'tis plain your honour is a

Papist! Great Heavens, how am I deceived!" "How so, Pastor?" said I,

"must I be a Papist because I will not to Geneva?" "Nay," says he, "but

ye do call upon the name of Mary!" "How," said I, "is't not well for a

Christian to name the mother of his Redeemer?" "True," says he, "yet

would I counsel your honour and beg of him as earnestly as I can to

give honour to God only and further to tell me plainly to what religion

he belongs, for I doubt much if he be Evangelical (though I have seen

him every Sunday in my church), inasmuch as at this last Christmastide

he came not to the table of the Lord neither here nor in the Lutheran

church." "Nay," said I, "but your reverence knows well that I am a

Christian: were I not, I had not been so oft at the preaching: but for

the rest, I must confess that I follow neither Peter nor Paul, but do

believe simply all that the twelve articles of the Christian faith do

contain: nor will I bind myself to either party till one or the other

shall bring me by sufficient proofs to believe that he, rather than the

other, doth possess the one true religion of salvation." Thereupon,

"Now," says he, "do I truly, and that for the first time, understand

that ye have a true soldier's spirit, to risk your life here, there and

everywhere, since ye can so live from day to day without religion or

worship and can so risk your hope of eternal salvation! Great heaven,"

says he, "how can a mortal man, that must hereafter be damned or saved,

so defy all? Your honour," says he, "was brought up in Hanau: hath he

learned there no better Christianity than this? Tell me, why do ye not

follow in the footsteps of your parents in the pure religion of Christ,

or why will ye not betake yourself to this our belief, of which the

foundations be so plain both in Holy Writ and nature that neither

Papist nor Lutheran[27] can ever upset them."

"Your reverence," I answered, "so say all of their own religion: yet

which am I to believe? Think ye 'tis so light a matter for me to

entrust my soul's salvation to any one party that doth revile the other

two and accuse them of false doctrine? I pray you to consider, with

impartial eyes, what Conrad Vetter and Johannes Nas have written

against Luther, and also Luther against the Pope, but most of all what

Spangenberg hath written against Francis of Assisi, which for hundreds

of years hath been held for a holy and God-like man, and all this in

print. To which party shall I betake myself when each says of the other

that 'tis unclean, unclean? Doth your reverence think I am wrong if I

stay awhile till I have got me more understanding and know black from

white? Would any man counsel me to plunge in like a fly into hot soup?

Nay, nay, your reverence cannot upon his conscience do that! Without

question one religion must be right and the other two wrong: and if I

should betake myself to one without ripe reflection I might choose the

wrong as easily as the right, and so repent of my choice for all

eternity. I will sooner keep off the roads altogether than take the

wrong one: besides, there be yet other religions besides these here in

Europe, as those of the Armenians, the Abyssinians, the Greeks, the

Georgians, and so forth, and whichsoever I do choose, then must I with

my fellow believers deny all the rest. But if your reverence will but

play the part of Ananias for me and open mine eyes, I will with

thankfulness follow him and take up that religion to which he belongs."

Thereupon, "Your honour," says he, "is in a great error: but I pray God

to enlighten him and help him forth of the slough; to which end I will

hereafter so prove to him the truth of our Confession that the gates of

hell shall not prevail against it." I answered I would await such with

great anxiety: yet in my heart I thought, "If thou trouble me no more

anent my lecheries, I will be content with thy belief."

And so can the reader judge what a godless, wicked rogue I then was:

for I did but give the good pastor fruitless trouble, that he might

leave me undisturbed in my vicious life, and thinks I, "Before thou art

ready with thy proofs I shall belike be where the pepper[28] grows."

_Chap. xxi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ALL UNAWARES WAS MADE A MARRIED MAN

Now over against my lodging there dwelt a lieutenant-colonel on

half-pay, and the same had a very fair daughter of noble carriage,

whose acquaintance I had long desired to make. And though at the first

she seemed not such an one as I could love and no other and cleave to

her for ever, yet I took many a walk for her sake, and wasted many a

loving look; who yet was so carefully guarded against me that never

once could I come to speak with her as I would have wished, neither

might boldly accost her: for I had no acquaintance with her parents,

and indeed they seemed far too high placed for a lad of such low

descent as I deemed myself to be. At the most I could approach her in

the going in and out of church, and then would I take opportunity to

draw near and with great passion would heave out a couple of sighs,

wherein I was a master, though all from a feigned heart. All which she,

on the other hand, received so coldly that I must well believe she was

not to be fooled like any small burgher's daughter: and the more I

thought how hard 'twould be for me to compass her love, the hotter grew

my desire for her.

But the lucky star which first brought me to her was even that one

which the scholars wear at a certain season, in everlasting remembrance

of how the three wise men were by such a star led to Bethlehem, and I

took it for a good omen that such a star led me to her dwelling also.

For her father sending for me, "Monsieur," says he, "that position of

neutrality which you do hold between citizens and soldiers is the cause

why I have invited you hither: for I have need of an impartial witness

in a matter which I have to settle between two parties." With that I

thought he had some wondrous great undertaking in hand, for papers and

pens lay on the table: so I tendered him my services for all honourable

ends, adding thereto that I should hold it for a great honour indeed if

I were fortunate enough to do him service to his liking. Yet was the

business nothing more than this (as is the usage in many places), to

set up a kingdom, being as 'twas the Eve of the Three Kings: and my

part was to see that all was well and truly performed and the offices

distributed by lot without respect of persons. And for this weighty

concern (at which his secretary also was present) my colonel must have

wine and confectionery served, for he was a doughty drinker and 'twas

already past the time for supper. So then must the secretary write, and

I read out the names, and the young lady draw the lots while her

parents looked on: and how it all happened I know not, but so I made my

first acquaintance in that house: and they complaining greatly how

tedious were the winter nights, gave me to understand I should, to make

them pass more easily, often visit them of evenings, for otherwise they

had no great pastime: which was indeed the very thing I had of long

time desired.

So from that time forward (though for a while I must be on my good

behaviour with the damsel) I began to play a new part, dancing on the

limed twig and nibbling at the fool's bait till both the maid and her

parents must needs believe I had swallowed the hook, though as yet I

had not (by a long score) any serious intent. I spent all my day in

arraying myself for the night (as witches use to do): and the morrow in

poring over books of love, composing from them amorous letters to my

mistress, as if I dwelt a hundred leagues off or saw her but once in

many years: so at last I was become a familiar of the house, and my

suit not frowned upon by her parents: nay, 'twas even proposed I should

teach the daughter to play the lute. So there I had free entrance, not

only by night but by day also, so that I could now alter my tune and no

longer sing

"On the bat's back do I fly after sunset merrily,"

but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good

fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many

joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my

beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my

hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I

should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though

it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an

enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me

besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as

happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for 'twas a

prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my

feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was

I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in

conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that

my damsel's married sister took note, and therefore barred all access

for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as

before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that

the business would not in such fashion end well.

There is no need to recount all the follies of my courtship, seeing

that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the

gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and

thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I

pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted

by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were

her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is

wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably

with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found

such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her

intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that

and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before

wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, (quite worn

out with disgust,) I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely

awoke: for at four o'clock of the morning there stood my colonel before

my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and "Croat," he

cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword,

"Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!" But I awaking and

seeing in what danger I lay, "Alas," thought I, "make thy peace with

God before this man make an end of thee!" And 'twas all green and

yellow before mine eyes, and I knew not whether I should open them or

not.

"Thou lewd fellow!" says he to me, "must I find thee thus shaming of

mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of

this baggage that hath been thine whore? Ah, thou beast, how can I

refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in

pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?" And with that he gnashed with

his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to

say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to

myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me

hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had

trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with

the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife

and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a

hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two

hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson.

Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel,

with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little

courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares

with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet

having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a

colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to

put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and

had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists.

"See, master parson," quoth my colonel, "the fair sight to which I must

perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame"--and hardly had he

said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell

hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of

what he said save of breaking of necks and washing of hands in blood;

for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if

in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment,

"Now will he send a ball through thy head." Yet the good parson did his

best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent him

afterwards: for "How now; Master Colonel," says he, "how now! Give your

own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to

what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest

name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the

land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the

invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a

fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I

cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks

deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame

to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which

otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their

marriage and allow such marriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in

church."

"What?" says the colonel, "am I, instead of punishing them, to come to

them cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the

day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay,

ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye

fetcht: else will I wring the necks of both like hens."

But as to me, my thought was, "What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy

leek or die? At least 'tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed

of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou

worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?" Yet loud and long I swore

and asseverated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got

only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil

of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man's doubts. So

were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the

ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who

had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my

joke: and "Papa-in-law," says I, "I know not why ye should carry

yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of

kin do bring them to their bed-chamber, but your worship after my

wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house:

and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my

marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law's

face and my service to him. Verily if this fashion hold, there will be

few friendships bred by weddings in this world."

_Chap. xxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE

PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE

The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young

maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she

went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me

stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not so foolish as to

put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I

had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my

behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, "Thou art rightly served": and

yet again I considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the

world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge. But

when I remembered me that such revenge must harm my father-in-law and

also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At

one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let

no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit

the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would

before all things win my father-in-law's friendship again, and would so

carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as

if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself,

"Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give

it a like end: for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage

and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will

be thy portion."

Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have

lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had

married my wife's sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I

now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to

prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and

if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on

my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as

would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to

do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry

fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for

making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had

in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the

bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning

draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests

to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite

himself.

The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and

because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my

excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that

bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were

never in their sober senses: but whereas they could play the fool

without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to

their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me

in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to

enact the sober married man more reasonably. Then he demanded me what

of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for

the wedding-feast--for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty.

So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one

clause--viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight

again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I

hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all

marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship. So with

such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for

from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he

undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent

likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen: and I made

preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought

together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one

another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and

mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than

cursing the night before. And so 'twas noised all over the town that

our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk

should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things

suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called

beforehand, as is the usage, 'twas much to be feared there would have

been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of

hindrance: for I had among the burghers' daughters a round half-dozen

that knew me only too well.

The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so

well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what

profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my

household: wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble

freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself

obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a

prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it: which

speech the commandant approved and said, "This being a brisk young

soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think

to follow any but the soldier's trade: for 'tis far better to stable

one's horse in another man's stall than to feed another's nag in one's

own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he

will."

For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more,

but shewed the commandant the merchant's receipt, which had my treasure

in keeping at Cologne. "And this," said I, "I must first fetch away

before I take service with the Swedes: for should they learn that I

served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep

my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the

roadside." This they approved, and so 'twas concluded promised and

resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to

Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress

and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on

which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with

the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant's regiment. For

Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his

headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next

spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care

of his in vain: for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of

John de Werth in the Breisgau, forced to leave Westphalia that same

spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE

NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE

Things do happen in different fashions. To one man ill luck cometh by

degrees and slowly: another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had

I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave

of her and her friends in my huntsman's dress with my gun upon my

shoulder; and because all the roads were well known to me, I came

luckily to my journey's end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen

of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite

Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant

in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart;

and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was

herding swine as I was passing by: and the swine, scenting me, began to

grunt and the lad to curse: "Thunder and lightning strike them and the

devil fly away with them too!" That the maidservant heard, and cried to

the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered,

she might kiss ... and burn her mother too: But the peasant hearing it,

runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, "Wait, thou anointed

rascal, I will teach thee to curse; strike thee blind and the devil

take thy carcase": and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped

him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, "Thou wicked boy," says

he, "I'll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I'll kiss ... for thee;

I'll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother." Which manner of

correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not

such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such

darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding.

And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained

upon me should endure?

So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was

just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come,

he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw; for the

merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt

and had fled: 'tis true my property had been officially sealed up and

the merchant himself cited to appear; but 'twas greatly doubted if he

would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could

easily be carried; and before the case could be settled much water

might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man

can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did

not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so: besides,

I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so

could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, 'twas

dangerous for me to tarry there; for I had reason to fear that, as now

being attached to an enemy's garrison, I might be found out, and so not

only lose my goods but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to

return with the matter unsettled, leave my property wilfully behind,

and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither,

seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay in Cologne

till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay:

so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my

case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper

reward; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good

present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me

he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me: and

thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is

to settle bankrupts' affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the

merchant's acknowledgment, and produced the original: to which the

answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter,

inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgment spoke were not all

to be found.

So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I

wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have

said, a notary and advocate: besides which he had half a dozen lodgers,

and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to

travellers: moreover he had both a German and an Italian groom, that

could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses,

so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he

not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal:

for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make

money in all manner of ways. I did learn much in the time I was with

him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the

chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do

but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now 'twas

my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I

began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other

persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his

own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours--yea, and by

the doctors too--to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that

were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their

visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions,

scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to

shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about

everything that they could get into their hands, like madmen. 'Tis said

this disease ariseth from the gall; but I do rather believe its origin

is in this, that a fool hath a fool's pride: so if thou hear an angry

man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that

man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless

mischance both for the patient and for others: for the patient, palsy,

gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we

with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never

so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some, too,

I saw quite sick with envy, of whom 'tis said that they eat their own

hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease

do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil

himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick

man's enemy doth enjoy: and he that can quite cure such an one may

wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian

belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a

jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming passion I hold likewise for a

disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially

because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if

poisoned: it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do

judge; and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and

idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that

gluttony is a disease: and that it cometh from habit and not from

overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but

'tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers

that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and

that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so

that these patients commonly must of themselves be healed when it comes

to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no

more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in

ignorance: for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is

and whither he goeth, 'tis clean impossible that he can go on in his

foolish pride. When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and

gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts

can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady: yet have I

never been able to find a special remedy against it: for they that are

sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen.

Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for

Philemon died of it and Democritus was till his end sick of it. And so

nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. 'Tis said it

hath its origin in the liver: but I do believe it cometh from

immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man: nor

is it needful to present a remedy for it, since 'tis not only a merry

madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor

less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the

female sex: 'tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous,

seeing that we all must pay for our first mother's curiosity. Of the

rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love,

and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since 'twas never my

intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed

gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he

himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed.

_Chap. xxiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN

The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he

scraped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with

him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money

they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it: but he fed us

Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not

with his guests but with his children and household, because I had

little money with me: there were but little morsels, that were like

Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty

Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only

what had been carried away a week before from the students' table,

pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as

Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do the cooking herself (for

he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kind of

gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked

so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet

done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when

our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and

all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this

was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of

which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously

observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of

our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other

decayed marine creatures: for he bought all with regard to cheapness

only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and

to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away.

Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer

which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October.

Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summer-time

'twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of

maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner

and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with

the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must

count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old

Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the

cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word,

was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had

seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a

while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its

fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe

or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of

his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon

to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up

half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out 'twas the cat had done it.

That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and

weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so

much as his chitterlings.

Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat

at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students,

however much it might cost: and there 'twas certainly more royal fare;

yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us

were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways--first in

fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our

appetite: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched

his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was

well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which

was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch

butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at

breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it

was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would

begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but

secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present:

this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have

game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick

our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders

that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old

Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for

sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare's ear, and as we sat at our midday

meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a

hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would

follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get

the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to

play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon

we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the

servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught

for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a

farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had

engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to

say, "Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property:

last night 'twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up

willingly, 'tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court." The

huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood

the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he

could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a

crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way

the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for

by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the

fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present

the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he

was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my

company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had

the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I

presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it

served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid,

instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer.

So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and

dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had I

meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more

such tricks.