BOOK III

_Chap. i._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND

The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how

ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found

honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved

punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be

further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb;

for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by

reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a

night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In

this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part

before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own

cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given

these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean

impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now

again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So

that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes,

'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met

together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new

invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in

truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And

besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so

that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints

could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who

were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from

some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to

find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when

we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at

cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on

hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak

in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to

appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that

I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument

wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow

three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two

hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept

secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all

incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with

a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though

'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but

hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in

the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all

this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market

among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying

of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are

folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis

but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that

talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far

from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know

him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I

here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own

eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear

cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the

horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I

know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I

hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by,

for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of

cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so

forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain

boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then

all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by

the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also

think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when

he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had

published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would

be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my

history.

If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were

neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find

for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the

horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could

trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if

'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused

to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat

swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night,

these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might

grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and

soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them

for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the

cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly

with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought

home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so

I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and

betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself

far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such

small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an

epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot

my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might

look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they

that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all

vices. By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy

was too great for me to compass. But at last I was secretly envied,

specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any

other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky

in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they

themselves had. In a word, I am well assured one party or the other

would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much.

_Chap. ii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN

OF WESEL

Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to

have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto

appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and

specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the

affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a

fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green,

and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there

in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded

plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly,

had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other

like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon

him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape

and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at

Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or

pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be

revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the

commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly

if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that

determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do

great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly

in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and

horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in

my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either

kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever

again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer)

till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself

to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as

sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as

any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing

became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy

became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac

close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet

what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went

ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name

getting plunder enough and to spare.

Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin

and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works

of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in

name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he

could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans

accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants

like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would

have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink

and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel,

to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to

live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he

cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since

'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead,

and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all

highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him

to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let

himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a

certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch

away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other

servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up

his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed

unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when

they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have

it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there

might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I

see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore";

and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing

it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out

if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel

was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him

by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter?

That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not

which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him

in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the

emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a

rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of

Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye

be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pass." I answered, "Who

are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the

huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder

your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let

himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have

said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and

Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is

it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not

that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear

against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head:

till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a

rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest

the other with me soldier-fashion." And with that my servant (who, like

Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns)

laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and

gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat

the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at

Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet

dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field

growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must

fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says

the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this,

master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus

wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet

he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and

the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so

I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain:

but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils'

disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two

fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might

do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his

"Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might

live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they

so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at

once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep."

"Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and

away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor

huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I

pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that,

in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would

not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the

face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with

this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from

Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared

everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real

truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more

feared, and contrariwise less loved.

_Chap. iii._: HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE

REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS

Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of

life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I

would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous

and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed

it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I

made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright

ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the

country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town

advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in

mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons:

and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And

when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and

away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so

flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I

had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand:

for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I

was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me.

Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from

Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as

was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there

came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had

in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but

this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me

divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince

that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and

now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his

liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a

good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so

charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life

long."

With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock,

and says I, "Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder

wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very

gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed

him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once

refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought

him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I

asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not

ask that, for I knew already he was a great god. I thought he might

perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to

rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about

their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that

instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too

much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more

acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter

himself.

Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had

my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the

time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the

fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now,

worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his

heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question,

which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the

heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to

whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the

Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret

wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's

own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great

outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the

clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the gods that I

could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have

always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all

times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to

learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse

than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and

without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment

and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will."

I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy

toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the

world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war,

thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment

peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a godsend

for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou

sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do

find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy

the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all."

_Chap. iv._: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND

BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS

So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as

if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage

things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I

will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of

the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the

righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers,

and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the

innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye

earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little?

For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and

yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a

body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the

full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus

add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my

Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts,

dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by

all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the

hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable

cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but

useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas

Athene shall rear him on Parnassus, and Vulcan shall, under the

influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword

with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the

godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall

need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every

fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the

first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the

greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and

sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat."

"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule

over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and

a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these

things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I

marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have;

Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my

thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw

it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada,

though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile

distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads

before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his

triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then

shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for

peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then

if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will

he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off

the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and

then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall

destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores,

and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon

if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly

submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and

disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the

others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall

he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies

around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose

out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall

reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all

villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois

throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear

of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes,

and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than

in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often assemble

all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among

their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their

borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with

all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of

Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak

German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I

shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the

earth."

"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this,

if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand

them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least

protest against it before gods and men?"

"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that

score: he will divide all the great into three classes: them which have

lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the

commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he

will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love

their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German

people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable

than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one

and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom

because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so

much for the second class. But as to the third, which will still be

lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into

Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the

Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as

helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all

kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads

of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before

their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake

himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I

have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and

name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city

in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in

America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls

shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as

the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple

entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the

treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities

from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in

Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary,

Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him.

Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it

were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it

as a fief to the Roman emperor."

Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the

Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark

(because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain,

France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in

those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated

lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as

in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations."

_Chap. v._: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE

SAME MOULD

Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged

Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then

'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and

nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms:

and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a

thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said

Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying

hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride

my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits

only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most

envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the

decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly

he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own

as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not,

by reason of a rude forest-god's indiscretion, conceal from thy

Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said

he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his

evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did

Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that

my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I

promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to

know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art

he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is

pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone

about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in

peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy

urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter,

"my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all

things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful,"

said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I

will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after

my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads

of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving

speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most

pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a

general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such

according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the

most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions

and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two

translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider

weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and

drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and

yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside

the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down

in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian

religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition,

the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely

scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will

devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not

to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it _sine die_, that

is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his

order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and

aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also

will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all

the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray

without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the

Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow

himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly

with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete

so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the

gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness,

but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the

business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with

their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then

will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this

purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with

pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him

to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all

thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou

hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of

nectar."

_Chap. vi._: HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER

Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he

pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to

escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for

in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The

reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so

took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I

came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for

Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all

the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have

lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy,

adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the

world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass

Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting

cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity

the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another

with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber;

Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander;

Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole

crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged

nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the

nostrils of all the world."

"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my

graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous

liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and

beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst

like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount

Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in

Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these

plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's

box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake

the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow

Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves,

and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then

will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and

there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies."

Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he

had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore.

And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear

to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire."

So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of

the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their

ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that,

though he had assigned to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on

account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went

astray and trespassed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering

creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only

murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their

fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter

further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously

that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help,

yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected

that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose

them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either

impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas

themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me

and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women

to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their

preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be

executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like

oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed

between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their

own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye

must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea,

truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not

suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their

lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that

we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings."

Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel

their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly:

and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen,

I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only

this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they

will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him

no better.

_Chap. vii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY

Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we

must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore

Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man

that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat

coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my

perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they

had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I

might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay,

but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no

advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of

road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and

three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me

to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only

a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well.

For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the

ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the

mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and

bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to

advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should

come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some

should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old

veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort

would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because

certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But

others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great

reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our

hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field;

for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to

pass by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox,

and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any

man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there. So when the

escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat,

which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste. So

altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each

would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so

close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were

emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses' hoofs. Then

came Jump-i'-th'-field leaping down the ravine and crying, "Huntsman

here!" At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that

they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down

and tried to escape on foot. Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners

with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the

waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a

few bales of silk and holland: for I dared not spare the time to

plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the

waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began,

and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way

back. So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood

and cried to us, "Would his Ganymede desert him?" I answered him, yes,

if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded. "Sooner,"

says he, "would I see them all lying in hell-fires." At that I must

needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him

set on one: yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have

him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded

him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous' wedding. So

when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we

were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a

fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders

into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be

butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given

him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought

that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be

answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not

to this, that he must pay for his error with his head. So I talked with

him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had

played her tricks; yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been

driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness:

for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for losses

sustained; nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to

commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the

custom and tradition of honourable soldiers. When he saw I would not do

it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I

had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a

footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief: and at

this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and

mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had

allowed it; and I had enough to do to prevent it. Yet I was in no wise

moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what

happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him

so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip

him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the

choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that

'twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary: and asked him

why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or,

if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper

reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play

fool's tricks to which no one would take heed. Herein both friend and

foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had

never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only

shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the

grave after him.

So next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and

gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before: for each

one said, "This will prove another young John de Werth[22]"; which

tickled me greatly. Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange

shots or to fight with the lieutenant: for he said I had twice overcome

him. And the more my triumphs thus increased the more grew the envy of

those that in any case would have grudged me my luck.

_Chap. viii._: HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW

JUMP-I'-TH'-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES

Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would

have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made

me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to

buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as

such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had

the lice troubled me, and now had I the very god of fleas in my power;

half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I

had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected

at times that nothing is so certain in this world as its uncertainty.

And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me

it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness.

Now just then Count von der Wahl, as colonel in command of the

Westphalian circle, was collecting troops from all the garrisons to

make a cavalry expedition through the bishopric of Münster towards the

Vecht, Meppen, Lingen and such places, but specially to drive off two

companies of Hessian troopers in the bishopric of Paderborn that lay

two miles from the city and had there done our people much damage. So

was I ordered out with our dragoons, and when a few troops had been

collected at Ham we beat up the quarters of the said troopers, which

were but an ill-protected village, till the rest of our people came.

They tried to escape, but we drove them back into their nest, and

offered them to let them go without horse or weapons but with the

clothes on their backs; to this they would not agree, but would defend

themselves with their carbines like musqueteers. So it came to that,

that in the same night I must try what luck I had in storming, for the

dragoons led the way; and my luck was so good that I, together with

Jump-i'-th'-field, was among the first to come into the town, and that

without hurt, and we soon cleared the streets; for all that bore arms

were cut down, and the citizens had no stomach for fighting; so we

entered the houses. Then said Jump-i'-th'-field, we should choose a

house before which a big heap of dung stood, for in such the rich

curmudgeons were wont to dwell, with whom commonly officers were

billeted: on such a one we seized, and there Jump-i'-th'-field would

first visit the stable and I the house, on the condition each should

share with the other whatever he could lay hands on. So then each lit

his torch, and I called to the master of the house but had no answer,

for all had hid themselves, but came upon a room wherein was nought but

an empty bed and a covered kneading-trough. This I knocked open in

hopes to find somewhat valuable, but as I raised the cover a coal-black

thing rose up against me which I took for Lucifer himself. Nay, I can

swear I was never in my life so terrified as I was then, when I so

unawares beheld this black devil. "May all the powers of hell take

thee," I cried in my fear, and raised my hatchet wherewith I had broke

open the trough, yet had not the heart to split the creature's skull:

so down he knelt, raised his hands to me, and says he, "O massa, I beg

by de good God, gib me my life." With that I first knew 'twas no devil,

for he spake of God and begged for his life; so I bade him get out of

his trough: and that he did as naked as God made him. Then I cut a

piece of my torch off for him to light me, the which he did obediently,

and brought me to a little room wherein I found the master of the

house, who, together with his people, was looking on at this merry

sight, and begged with trembling for mercy. And that he easily came by,

for in any case we might not harm the burghers, and besides he handed

me over the baggage of the Hessian captain, among which was a fairly

well-furnished, locked portmanteau, telling me the said captain and all

his people, save one servant and the negro now present, were gone to

their posts to defend themselves. Meanwhile Jump-i'-th'-field had made

prize of the said servant and six fine saddle-horses in the stable:

these we brought into the house, barred the doors, and bade the negro

to put on his clothes; and told the burgher what story he should tell

to his captain. But when the gate was opened and the posts occupied,

and our general of ordnance, Count von der Wahl, was admitted, he

lodged his staff in the very house where we were. So in dark night

we must needs seek other quarters; and these we found with our

comrades who had come in with the storming-parties: with them we made

merry and spent the rest of the night in eating and drinking, when

Jump-i'-th'-field and I had divided our booty. For my share I received

the negro and the two best horses, of which one was a Spanish one, on

which any soldier might meet his enemy, and with this thereafter I made

no small show; but out of the portmanteau I got divers costly rings,

and in a golden case set with rubies the Prince of Orange's portrait

(for all the rest I left to Jump-i'-th'-field), so that the whole, if I

had desired to give it away, would with the horses have stood me in 200

ducats: since for the negro, that was the poorest part of my booty, the

Master-General of Ordnance to whom I presented him gave me two dozen

thalers.

Thence we marched quickly to the Ems, yet accomplished but little: and

as it happened that we came near Recklinghausen, I took leave, together

with Jump-i'-th'-field, to speak with my pastor from whom I had stolen

the bacon. With him I made merry and told him the negro had made me

feel the same terror which he and his cook had felt, and presented him,

moreover, with a fine striking watch for a friendly remembrance, which

I had had out of the captain's portmanteau: and so did I take care to

make friends in all places of them that would otherwise have had cause

to hate me.

_Chap. ix._: OF AN UNEQUAL COMBAT IN WHICH THE WEAKEST WINS THE DAY AND

THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED

But with my good fortune my pride so increased that in the end it could

bring me nothing but a fall. For as we were encamped some half-hour

from Rehnen, I had leave to go into the town with my dear comrade,

there to have those arms furbished up which we had just received. And

as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to

the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer

down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was

wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from

other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young

prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the

year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of

troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as

we. So, being angry, they began to jest upon us, "How comes it," said

they to one another, "that these prop-hoppers[23]" (for they took us

for musqueteers, seeing that no animal in the world is more like a

musqueteer than is a dragoon, and if a dragoon fall from his horse he

rises up a musqueteer) "can make such a show with their halfpence?"

"Yonder lad," answered another, "is surely some straw-squire whose

mother hath sent him the milk-pence, and those he now spends upon his

comrades, that some time they may pull him out of the mud or through a

ditch." With which words they aimed at me, for they took me for a young

nobleman. Of such talk the maid that waited brought me private news:

yet since I heard it not myself, I could do no more than fill a great

beer-glass with wine and let it go round to the health of all good

musqueteers, and at every round made such a hubbub that none could hear

himself speak. And this vexed them yet more, so that they said aloud,

"What in the devil's name have these prop-hoppers for an easy life of

it!" Whereupon Jump-i'-th'-field answered, "And what matters that to

the bootblacks?" This passed well enough; for he looked so big and held

so fierce and threatening a carriage that no one cared to give him the

rub. Yet he must again fall foul of them, and this time of a fellow of

some consideration, who answered, "Ay, and if these loiterers could not

so swagger here on their own dung-hill (for he thought we lay there in

garrison, because our clothes seemed not so weather-beaten as those of

the poor musqueteers who must lie day and night in open field), where

could they show themselves? Who knows not that any of them in the

battlefield is as surely the booty of the troopers as is the pigeon of

the hawk?" But I answered him, "It is our business to take cities

and fortresses, whereas ye troopers, if ye come but to the poorest

rat's-nest of a town, can there drive no dog out of his den. Why may we

not then have your good leave to make merry in that which is more ours

than yours?" The trooper answered, "Him who is master in the field the

fortresses must follow after: and that we troopers are masters in the

field is proved by this: that I for myself not only fear not three such

babes as thee, musquet and all, but could stick a couple such in my

hat-band, and then ask the third where there were more to be found. And

if I now sat by thee," said he with scorn, "I would bestow on my young

squire a couple of buffets to prove the truth of this."

"Yea," said I, "and though I have as good a pair of pistols as thou,

notwithstanding I am no trooper, but only a bastard between such and

the musqueteers, yet, look you, even a child hath heart enough to shew

himself alone in open field against such a bully on horseback as thou

art, and against all thine armoury."

"Aha; thou swaggerer," said the fellow, "I hold thee for a rascal if

thou make not good thy words forthwith as becomes an honourable

nobleman."

So I threw him my glove and, "See then," said I, "if I get this not

from thee in fair field with my musquet only and on foot, so hast thou

right and good leave to hold and to reproach me for such a one as thy

presumption has even now named me."

Then we paid the reckoning and the trooper made ready his carbine and

pistols, and I my musquet: and as he rode away with his comrades to the

place agreed upon he told my comrade Jump-i'-th'-field he might order

my grave. So he answered him he had better give it in charge to one of

his own fellows that he might order such for him. Yet thereafter he

rebuked me for my presumption, and said plainly he feared I should now

play my last tune. But I did but laugh, for I had long since devised a

plan how to encounter the best mounted of troopers, if ever such an one

should attack me in the open field, though armed only with my musquet

and on foot. So when we came to the place where this beggar's dance

should be, I had my musquet already loaded with two balls, and put in

fresh priming and smeared the cover of the pan with tallow as careful

musqueteers be wont to do, to guard the touch-hole and powder in the

pan from damp in rainy weather.

Before we engaged, our comrades on both sides agreed that we should

fight in open field, and to that end that we should start, one from the

East, the other from the West, in a fenced plot; and thereafter each

should do his best against the other as a soldier would do in face of

the enemy; and that no one should help either party before or during or

after the fight, either to succour his comrade, or to avenge his death

or hurt. So when they had thus engaged themselves with word and hand, I

and my opposite gave each other our hand upon this, that each would

forgive the other his death. In all which most unreasonable folly that

ever a man of sense could entertain, each hoped to gain for his arm of

the service the advantage, for all the world as if the entire honour

and reputation of one or the other, depended upon the outcome of our

devilish undertaking.

Now as I entered the stricken field at my appointed end with my match

alight at both ends, and saw my adversary before my eyes, I made as if

I shook out the old priming as I walked. Yet I did not so, but spread

priming powder only on the cover of the pan, blew up my match, and

passed my two fingers over the pan, as is the custom, and before I

could see the white of the eyes of my opposite, who kept me well in

sight, I took aim, and set fire to the false priming powder on the

cover of the pan. Then the enemy, believing that my musquet had missed

fire and that the touch-hole was stopped, rode straight down upon me

pistol in hand, and all too anxious to pay me there and then for my

presumption, but before he was aware I had the pan open and shut again,

and gave him such a welcome that ball and fall came together.

Then I returned to my fellows, who received me with embraces; but his

comrades, freeing his foot from the stirrup, dealt with him and

with us as honest fellows, for they returned me my glove with all

praise. But even when I deemed my reputation to be at its height, came

five-and-twenty musqueteers from Rehnen, who laid me and my comrades by

the heels. Then presently I was clapped in chains and sent to

headquarters, for all duels were forbidden on pain of death.

_Chap. x._: HOW THE MASTER-GENERAL OF ORDNANCE GRANTED THE HUNTSMAN HIS

LIFE AND HELD OUT HOPES TO HIM OF GREAT THINGS

Now as our General of Ordnance was wont to keep strict discipline, I

looked to lose my head: yet had I hopes to escape, because I had at so

early an age ever carried myself well against the enemy, and gained

great name and fame for courage. Yet was this hope uncertain because,

by reason of such things happening daily, 'twas necessary to make an

example. Our men had but just beat up a dangerous nest of rats, and

demanded a surrender, yet had received a denial; for the enemy knew we

had no heavy artillery. For that reason Count von der Wahl appeared

with all our force before the said place, demanded a surrender once

more by a trumpeter, and threatened to storm the town. Yet all he got

thereby was the writing that here followeth:

"High and well-born Count, &c.,--From your Excellency's letter to me I

understand what you suggest to me in the name of his Imperial Roman

Majesty. Now your Excellency, with his great understanding, must be

well aware how improper, nay unjustifiable, it were for a soldier to

surrender a place like this to the adversary without especial

necessity. For which reason your Excellency will not, I hope, blame me

if I wait till his means of attack are sufficient. But if your

Excellency have occasion to employ my small powers in any services but

those touching my allegiance, I shall ever be,

"Your Excellency's most obedient servant,

"N. N."

Thereupon was much discussion in our camp about this place; for to

leave it alone was not to be thought on: to storm it without a breach

would have cost much blood, and 'twould have been uncertain even then

whether we should succeed or not: and if we had to fetch our heavy

pieces and all their equipment from Münster and Ham, 'twould cost much

time, trouble, and expense. So while great and small were hard at work

a-reasoning, it came into my head that I should use this opportunity to

get free: so I set all my wits to work, and reflected how one might

cheat the enemy, seeing 'twas only the cannon that were wanted. And

pretty soon I had devised a trick and let my lieutenant-colonel know I

had plans by which the place could be secured without trouble and

expense, if only I could be pardoned and set free. Yet some old and

tried soldiers laughed and said, "Drowning men catch at straws; and

this good fellow thinks to talk himself out of gaol."

But the lieutenant-colonel himself, with others that knew me, listened

to my words as to an article of belief; wherefore he went himself to

the Master-General of the Ordnance and laid before him my plan, with

the recital, moreover, of many things that he could tell of me: and

inasmuch as the Count had already heard of the Huntsman, he had me

brought before him and for so long loosed from my bonds. He was set at

table when I came, and my lieutenant-colonel told him how the spring

before, having stood my first hour as sentry under St. James's Gate at

Soest, a heavy rain with thunder and wind had suddenly come on, and

when, each running from the fields and the gardens into the town, there

was great press of foot and horse, I had had the wit to call out the

guard, because in such a tumult a town was easiest to take. "At last,"

said the lieutenant-colonel further, "came an old woman dripping wet,

and said even as she passed by the huntsman, 'Yea, I have felt this

storm in my back for a fortnight.' So the huntsman, hearing this and

having a rod in his hand, smote her with it over the shoulder, and says

he, 'Thou old witch, couldst thou not let it loose before; must thou

wait till I stood sentry?' And when his officer rebuked him he

answered, 'She is rightly served: the old carrion crow had heard a

month ago how all were crying out for rain: why did she not let honest

folk have it before? It had been better for the barley and hops.'"

At this the general, though he was in general a stern man, laughed

heartily; but I thought, "If the colonel tell him of such fools'

tricks, surely he will not have failed to speak of my other devices."

So I was brought in, and when the general asked what was my plan I

answered, "Gracious sir, although my fault and your Excellency's order

and prohibition do both deny me my life, yet my most humble loyalty,

which is due from me towards his Imperial Majesty, my most gracious

Lord, even to the death, bids me so far as lies in my weak power yet do

the enemy a damage, and further the interests and arms of his Majesty."

So the general cut me short, and says he, "Didst thou not lately give

me the negro?" "Yea, gracious sir," said I. Then said he, "Well, thy

zeal and loyalty might perhaps serve to spare thy life: but what plan

hast thou to bring the enemy out of this place without great loss in

time and men?" So I answered, "Since the town cannot resist heavy

artillery, my humble opinion is that the enemy would soon come to terms

if he did but really believe we had such pieces." "That," said the

general, "a fool could have told me; but who will persuade them so to

believe?" Then I answered, "Thine own eyes; I have examined their

Mainguard with a perspective-glass, and it can be easily deceived; if

we did but set a few baulks of timber, shaped like water-pipes, on

waggons, and haul them into the field with many horses, they will

certainly believe they are heavy pieces, specially if your Excellency

will order works to be thrown up about the field as if to plant cannon

there." "My dear little friend," answered the Count, "they be not

children in the town: they will not believe this pantomime, but will

require to hear thy guns; and if the trick fail," says he to the

officers that stood around, "we shall be mocked of all the world." But

I answered, "Gracious sir, an I can but have a pair of double musquets

and a pretty large cask, I will make them to hear great guns: only

beyond the sound there can be no further effect: but if against all

expectation naught but mockery ensue, then shall I, the inventor, that

must in any case die, take with me that mockery and purge it away with

my life."

Yet the general liked it not, but my colonel persuaded him to it; for

he said I was in such cases so lucky that he doubted not this trick

would succeed: so the Count ordered him to settle the matter as he

thought it could best be done, and said to him in jest that the honour

he should gain thereby should be reckoned to him alone.

So three such baulks were brought to hand, and before each were

harnessed four-and-twenty horses, though two had been sufficient: and

these towards evening we brought up in full sight of the foe: and

meanwhile I had gotten me three double musquets and a great cask from a

mansion near at hand, and set all in order as I would have it: and by

night this was added to our fool's artillery. The double musquets I

charged twice over and had them discharged through the said cask, of

which the bottom had been knocked out, as if it was three trial shots

being fired. Which sounded so thunderously that any man had sworn they

were great serpents or demi-culverins. Our general must needs laugh at

such trickery, and again offered the enemy terms, with the addition

that if they did not agree that same evening it would not go so easily

with them the next day. Thereupon hostages were exchanged and terms

arranged, and the same night one gate of the town put into our hands,

and this was well indeed for me: for the Count not only granted me my

life that by his order I had forfeited, but set me free the same night

and commanded the lieutenant-colonel in my presence to appoint me to

the first ensigncy that should fall vacant: which was not to his taste

(for he had cousins and kinsmen many in waiting) that I should be

promoted before them.

_Chap. xi._: CONTAINS ALL MANNER OF MATTERS OF LITTLE IMPORT AND GREAT

IMAGINATION

On this expedition nothing more of note happened to me: but when I came

again to Soest I found the Hessians from Lippstadt had captured my

servant that I had left to guard my baggage, together with one horse

that was at pasture. From my servant the enemy learned of my ways and

works, and therefore held me higher than before, as having been

persuaded by common report I was but a sorcerer. He told them,

moreover, he had been one of the devils that had so dismayed the

Huntsman of Wesel in the sheep-fold: which when the said huntsman heard

of, he was so shamed that he took to his heels again and fled from

Lippstadt to the Hollanders. But it was my greatest good fortune that

this servant of mine was taken, as will be seen in the sequel.

Now I began to behave myself somewhat more reputably than before, as

having such fine hopes of presently being made ensign: so by degrees I

joined company with officers and young noblemen that were eager for

that office which I imagined I should soon get: for this reason these

were my worst enemies, and yet gave themselves out to be my best

friends: even the lieutenant-colonel was no longer so good to me; for

he had orders to promote me before his own kindred. My captain was my

enemy because I made a better show in horses, clothing, and arms than

he, and no longer spent so much on the old miser as before. He had

rather have seen my head hewn off than an ensigncy promised me: for he

had thought to inherit my fine horses. In like manner my lieutenant

hated me for a single word that I had lately without thought let slip:

which came about thus: we two were on the last expedition ordered to a

lonely post as vedettes: and as the turn to watch fell to me (which

must be done lying down, besides that it was a pitch-dark night), the

lieutenant comes to me creeping on his belly like a snake, and says he,

"Sentry, dost thou mark aught?" So I answered, "Yea, Herr Lieutenant."

And "What? what?" says he. I answered, "I mark that your honour is

afeared." And from thenceforward I had no more favour with him.

Wherever the danger was greatest thither was I sent first of all; yea,

he sought in all places and at all times to dust my jacket before I

became ensign, and so could not defend myself. Nor were the sergeants

less my enemies, because I was preferred to them all. And as to the

privates, they too began to fail in their love and friendship to me,

because it seemed I despised them, inasmuch as I no longer consorted

specially with them but, as aforesaid, with greater Jacks, which loved

me none the more.

But the worst was that no man told me how each was minded towards me,

and so I could not perceive it, for many a one talked with me in

friendliest wise that had sooner seen me dead. So I lived like a blind

man in all security and became ever haughtier: and though I knew it

vexed this one and that if I made a greater show than noblemen and

officers of rank, yet I held not back. I feared not to wear a collar of

sixty rix-dollars, red-scarlet hose, and white satin sleeves, trimmed

all over with gold, which was at that time the dress of the highest

officers: and therefore an eyesore to all. Yet was I a terrible

young fool so to play the lord: for had I dealt otherwise and bestowed

the money I so uselessly did hang upon my body in proper ways, I

should have soon gained my ensigncy and also not have made so many

enemies. Yet I stopped not here, but decked out my best horse, which

Jump-i'-th'-field had gotten from the Hessian captain, with saddle,

bridle, and arms in such fashion that when I was mounted one might well

have taken me for another St. George. And nothing grieved me more than

to know I was no nobleman, and so could not clothe my servant and my

horse-boys in my livery. Yet, I thought, all things have their

beginning; if thou hast a coat-of-arms then canst thou have thine own

livery; and when thou art an ensign, thou must have a signet-ring,

though thou art no nobleman. I was not long pregnant with these

thoughts, but had a coat-of-arms devised for me by a herald, which was

three red masks in a white field, and for a crest, a bust of a young

jester in a calfskin with a pair of hare's ears, adorned with little

balls in front: for I thought this suited best with my name, being

called Simplicissimus. And so would I have the fool to remind me in my

future high estate what manner of fellow I had been in Hanau, lest I

should become too proud, for already I thought no small things of

myself. And so was I properly the first of my name and race and

escutcheon, and if any had jeered at me thereupon, I had without doubt

presented him a sword or a pair of pistols. And though I had yet no

thoughts of womenkind, yet all the same I went with the young nobles

when they visited young ladies, of whom there were many in the town, to

let myself be seen and to make a show with my fine hair, clothes, and

plumes. I must confess that for the sake of my figure I was preferred

before all, yet must I all the same hear how the spoilt baggages

compared me with a fair and well-cut statue in which, beside its

beauty, was neither strength nor sap; for that was all they desired in

me: and except the lute-playing there was nothing I could do or perform

to please them: for of love as yet I knew nothing. But when they that

knew how to pay their court would gibe at me for my wooden behaviour

and awkwardness, to make themselves more beloved and to show off their

ready speech, then would I answer, 'twas enough for me if I could still

find my pleasure in a bright sword or a good musquet, and the ladies

held me right: and this angered the gentlemen so that they secretly

swore to have my life, though there was none that had heart enough to

challenge me or give me cause enough to challenge one of them, for

which a couple of buffets or any insulting word had been sufficient;

and I gave every chance for this by my loose talk, from which the

ladies argued I must be a lad of mettle, and said openly my figure and

my noble heart could plead better with any lady than all the

compliments that Cupid ever devised: and that made the rest angrier

than ever.

_Chap. xii._: HOW FORTUNE UNEXPECTEDLY BESTOWED ON THE HUNTSMAN A NOBLE

PRESENT

I had two fine horses that were at that time all the joy I had in the

world. Every day I rode them in the riding-school or else for

amusement, if I had naught else to do; not indeed that the horses had

anything to learn, but I did it that people might see that the fine

creatures belonged to me. And when I went pranking down a street, or

rather the horse prancing under me, and the stupid multitude looking on

and saying, "Look, 'tis the huntsman! See what a fine horse! Ah, what a

handsome plume!" or "Zounds! what a fine fellow is this!" I pricked up

mine ears and was as pleased as if the Queen of Sheba had likened me to

Solomon in all his glory. Yet, fool that I was, I heard not what

perhaps at that time wise folk thought of me or mine enviers said of

me: these last doubtless wished I might break my neck, since they could

not do it for me: and others assuredly thought that if all men had

their own I could not practise such foolish swaggering. In a word, the

wisest must have held me without doubt for a young Colin Clout, whose

pride would certainly not last long, because it stood upon a bad

foundation and must be supported only by uncertain plunder. And if I

must confess the truth, I must grant that these last judged not amiss,

though then I understood it not, for 'twas this and only this with me:

that I would have made his shirt warm for any man or adversary that had

to deal with me, so that I might well have passed for a simple, good

soldier though I was but a child. But 'twas this cause made me so great

a man, that nowadays the veriest horse-boy can shoot the greatest hero

in the world; and had not gunpowder been invented I must have put my

pride in my pocket.

Now 'twas my custom in these rides to examine all ways and paths, all

ditches, marshes, thickets, hills and streams, make myself acquainted

with them and fix them in my memory, so that if one ever had occasion

to skirmish with the enemy I might employ the advantage of the place

both for defence and offence. To this end I rode once not far from the

town by an old ruin where formerly a house had stood. At the first

sight I thought this were a fit place to lay an ambush or to retreat

to, specially for us dragoons if we should be outnumbered and chased by

cavalry. So I rode into the courtyard, whose walls were pretty well

ruined, to see if at a pinch one could take refuge there on horseback

and how one could defend it on foot. But when to this end I would view

all exactly and sought to ride by the cellar, the walls of which were

still standing, I could neither with kindness nor force bring my horse,

which commonly feared nought, to go where I would. I spurred him till I

was vexed, but it availed not: so I dismounted and led him by the

bridle down the ruined steps which he had shied at, so that I should

know how to act another time: but he backed as much as he could; yet at

length with gentle words and strokings I had him down, and while I

patted and caressed him I found that he was sweating with fear, and

ever staring into one corner of the cellar, into which he would by no

means go, and in which I could see naught at which the most skittish

beast could shy. But as I stood there full of wonder and looked upon my

horse all a-tremble with fear, there came on me also such a terror that

'twas even as if I was dragged upwards by the hair and a bucket of cold

water poured down my back; yet could I see nothing; but the horse acted

more and more strangely, till I could fancy nothing else but that I was

perhaps bewitched, horse and all, and should come by my end in that

same cellar. So I would fain go back, but the horse would not follow,

and thereat I grew more dismayed and so confused that in truth I knew

not what I did. At last I took a pistol in my hand, and tied the horse

to a strong elder-tree that grew in the cellar, intending to go forth

and find people near by that could help to fetch the horse out; but as

I was about this it came into my head that perchance some treasure lay

hid in this old ruin, which was therefore haunted. To this conceit I

gave heed, and looked round more exactly. And just in the place to

which my horse refused to go I was ware of a part of the wall, unlike

the rest both in colour and masonry, and about the bigness of a common

chamber-shutter. But when I would approach 'twas with me as before,

namely, that my hair stood on end; and this strengthened my belief that

a treasure must there be hid.

Ten times, nay a hundred times, sooner would I have exchanged shots

with an enemy than have found myself in such a terror. I was plagued

and knew not by what: for I heard and saw naught. So I took the other

pistol from the holster as meaning with it to go off and leave the

horse, yet could I not again mount the steps, for as it seemed to me a

strong draught of wind kept me back; and now I felt my flesh creep

indeed. At last it came into my mind to fire the pistols that the

peasants that worked in the fields close by might run to the spot and

help me with word and deed. And this I did because I neither knew nor

could think of any other means to escape from this evil place of

wonders: and I was so enraged, or rather so desperate (for I knew not

myself how 'twas with me), that as I fired I aimed my pistols at the

very place wherein I believed the cause of my plight lay, and with both

balls I hit the before-mentioned piece of the wall so hard that they

made a hole wherein a man could set both his fists. Now no sooner had I

fired than my horse neighed and pricked up his ears, which heartily

rejoiced me: I knew not whether 'twas because the goblin or spectre

had vanished or because the poor beast was roused by the noise of

fire-arms, but 'tis certain I plucked up heart again and went without

hindrance or fear to the hole, which I had just opened by the shot; and

there I began to break down the wall completely, and found of silver,

gold, and jewels so rich a treasure as would have kept me in comfort to

this day, if I had but known how to keep it and dispose of it well.

There were six dozen old French silver table-tankards, a great gold

cup, some double tankards, four silver and one golden salt-cellar, one

old French golden chain, and divers diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and

sapphires set in rings and in other jewellery; also a whole casquet

full of pearls, but all spoiled or discoloured, and then in a mouldy

leather bag eighty of the oldest Joachim dollars of fine silver,

likewise 893 gold pieces with the French arms and an eagle, a coin

which none could recognise, because, as folks said, no one could read

the inscription. This money, with the rings and jewels, I strapped into

my breeches-pockets, my boots and my holsters, and because I had no bag

with me, since I had but ridden forth for pleasure, I cut the housing

from my saddle, and into it I packed the silver vessels (for 'twas

lined, and would serve me well as a sack), hung the golden chain round

my neck, mounted my horse joyfully, and rode towards my quarters. But

as I came out of the courtyard I was aware of two peasants, that would

have run as soon as they saw me: yet having six feet and level country

I easily overtook them, and asked why they would have fled and were so

terribly afeared. So they said they had thought I was the ghost that

dwelt in that deserted court, and if any came too near to him was wont

to mishandle them miserably. Then as I asked further of his ways, they

told me that for fear of this monster 'twas often many years that no

one came near that place, save some stranger that had lost his way and

came thither by chance. The story went, they said, that an iron trough

full of money lay within guarded by a black dog, and also a maiden that

had a curse upon her; and to follow the old story they had themselves

heard from their grandsires, there should come into the land a stranger

nobleman that knew neither his father nor mother, and should rescue the

maiden, and open the trough with a key of fire, and carry off the

hidden gold. And of such foolish fables they told me many more; but

because they are but ill to hear, I here cut them short for briefness.

Thereafter I did ask them what they too had been about, since at other

times they dared not go into the ruin. They answered they had heard a

shot and a loud cry; and had run up to see what was to do. But when I

told them 'twas I that shot in the hope that people would come into the

ruin, because I too was pretty much afeared, but knew nought of any

cry, they answered, "There might be shots enough heard in that castle

before any of our neighbourhood would come thither; for in truth 'tis

so ghostly beset that we had not believed my lord if he had said he had

been therein, an we had not ourselves seen him ride out thence." So

then they would know many things of me, especially what manner of place

it was within and whether I had not seen the damsel and the black dog

sitting on the iron trough, so that if I had desired to brag I could

have put strange fancies into their heads: but I said not the least

word, not even that I had gotten the costly treasure, but rode away to

my quarters and looked upon my find, which mightily delighted me.

_Chap. xiii._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' STRANGE FANCIES AND CASTLES IN THE

AIR, AND HOW HE GUARDED HIS TREASURE