_Chap. xviii._: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS'

CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW

Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that

believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they

can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will

be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow.

With such folk I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an

art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I

could practise this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest

fool. But they that deny the witches' gallop to be true, let them but

think of Simon the Magician, which was by the evil spirit raised aloft

into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth.

Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man,

who in the Duchy of Lorraine caused to be burned a good many more than

a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother

(which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with

her to their assembly, that he might play to them as they danced--for

he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree,

piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe

because he marvelled so at it all). But at last, "God help us;" says

he, "whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?" And hardly had he

said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder,

and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself.

When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little

after Catherine Prévost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at

the said dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that

she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us

of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an

adulterer that took his paramour's ointment-boxes and smeared himself

with the same, and so both came to the witches' Sabbath. So likewise

they tell of a farm-servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but

because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, that waggon

rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us

of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by

rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of

Odin, which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know

well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia will fetch

their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a

great distance. And what Torquemada in his Hexameron relateth of his

schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh

of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and

thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take

him with her to the sorcerers' assembly. And when they feasted there,

and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains

gotten it, did cry, "God be praised, here cometh the salt!" Whereupon

the lights went out and all vanished. So when now 'twas day he

understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the

town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naples, and therefore full five

hundred miles from his home. And therefore, though he was rich, must he

beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch

before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and

others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from

one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I

myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but

the maid's father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her

mistress's shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it

by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which

story, nevertheless, was hushed up.

All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe

that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper

bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to

believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me 'tis

all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe

may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands

of Fulda or Hirschfeld (for I know not myself whither I had wandered in

the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a

space of time.

_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A

FOOL BEFORE

So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader

that I lay on my belly till 'twas at least broad daylight; as not

having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things

I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great

terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in

no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most

of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty

well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o'clock when there came

foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I

was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills,

and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before

Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment,

who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served.

So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the

Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their

speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I

nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the

witches' dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and

that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk

wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes

a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made

prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come

back to the Emperor's army: who, knowing me again, said at once, "Hoho!

'tis the commandant's calf of Hanau."

Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no

more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured

outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes' regiment,

and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me;

for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel's wife sent to

another colonel's wife that could play well upon the lute, and

therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it:

which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should

play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty

stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this

was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of

Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and

with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came

into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folk to believe I was of

the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me

whither I would go; and I answering 'twas all one to me, we agreed

thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he

know where my asses' ears had gone. "Yea," said I to myself, "an thou

knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough." Yet was I

clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly

goods lay in them.

Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor's and

the Elector's camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my

hood, my sleeves, and my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so

that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of

to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I

liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it

away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors

pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came

there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured

for me a lute of my own (for he trusted to have me ever with him), then

I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he

appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey

him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet,

discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and

(which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and

full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and

by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counsellor

and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the

Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to

continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a

muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my

colonel, and was content to serve as a lackey, to wait until the

dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so

the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him.

_Chap. xx._: IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT

HANGS THEREBY

Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he

not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in

the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such

fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had

conceived such a judgment from my face, for he was skilled in

physiognomia. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon

my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude

recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the

dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep

sighing and slept soundly till day.

All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and

this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced

himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied

himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut,

because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would

not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any

one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air

outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the

opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with

me alone. So, as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed

I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear

friend, 'tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able

to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest,

and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised

state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to

a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy

fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and

deed to help thee out of this fool's coat."

So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been

a prophet to release me from my fool's cap: and sitting both down upon

the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and

wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those

which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my

fool's coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could

see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me

danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his

counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith,

and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and

father.

So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the

dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and

damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh

as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished

with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its

four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for

share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from

another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I

should have said, and might well have said[15] "cooperer"), whose

office 'twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too

lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their

hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet

it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or

when it was best laid out, 'twas the sutler or the barber-surgeon that

had it--for there were many broken heads to mend.

At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win,

which was impossible, even if they had played at another's[16] risk:

and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the

more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that

some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some

cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed--whereat the

winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their

clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money

from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part,

would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others

threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers'

cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a

good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were,

as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished:

others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the

Bavarian swing. Some were of stag's-horn, light above and heavy below.

Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with

split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners,

others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some

broad like tortoises. All which kinds were made but for cheating: and

what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a

swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was of any

avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes or, on

the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves' bones they

stole, filched, and plundered each other's goods, which they themselves

perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or

other grievous trouble and labour, had won.

So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters

in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then

answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but

for the rest, I leave it for what 'tis worth as a matter unknown to me,

and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my

governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp,

for here men seek one another's money and lose their own in doing so.

And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already

broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy

neighbour's goods.'" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by

deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth

commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on

him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is

so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need

and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this

plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won

honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this

intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art

not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich

man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so

uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of

thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same

committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money,

but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all,

there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend

Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that

thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I

answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and

dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor

answered: "I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take

part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea,

cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to

gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath

seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose)

so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than

that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through

and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea,

even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been

forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the

command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through

the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly

and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook

themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money,

quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent

such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away

their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore

now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is

appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any

harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the

other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the

tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain,

therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in

the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these

divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and

agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among

ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary

part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly

esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile

pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never

leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from

them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except

God's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their

souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by

nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought

to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring

therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win

mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and

drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed

myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things

should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially

because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and

the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told

me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the

harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men

say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so

should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand

upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it

shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I

should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into

the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine

gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he,

"that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain

chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they

have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for

money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and

fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the

souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or

losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the

air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite

distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels,

he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to

their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the

mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own

again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time,

which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful

curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will

I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and

will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in,

during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and

homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray

in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the

envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the

thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and

of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive

such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are

wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their

madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more

blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with

their curses." And this project I praised, and wished him the

opportunity to carry it out.

_Chap. xxi._: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST

Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him,

yet kept we our friendship very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a

fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage

and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My

colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once

when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention

pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would

spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could

catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the

bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when

they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so

could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it

went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then

besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and

encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men

and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole

city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised

every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my

workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil

customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was

kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this

mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others,

whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject.

So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was

distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is

master _Dicis et non facis_, which is, being interpreted into German, a

fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the

bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth

not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be

commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its

best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he

was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at

his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had

pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague,

that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of

evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and

hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures,

malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise

no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient

Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout

women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither

to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story

of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they

endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told

me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such

were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with

artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden

chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore

breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they

were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure

bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all

which I believed him: so great a fool was I.

On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained

me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his

son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army,

and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for

which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him

from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post

his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this

muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I

struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in

virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy

or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge,

therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it

made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's

coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however

the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father,

approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to

change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and

great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also

and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that

he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the

affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee:

for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I

declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew

me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the

colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's

secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be

raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how

at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was

always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or

the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations

how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my

faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected,

that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did

but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the

secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's

great favour and grace.

_Chap. xxii._: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES

'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers,

and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to

boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of

him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully

qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not

only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also,

yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his

countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have

Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though

the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held

themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his

ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with

this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more

his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively

humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost:

whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and

Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's

lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening

feast spread in wellnigh princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder

was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly

did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the

world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For

when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and

this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after

all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last

seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the

Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said

aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they

would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save

the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom,

even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would

not willingly bring to shame.

So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into

the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the

matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how

'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had

the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's

breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their

clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed

round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner

of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right

merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies

that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted

away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang

out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on

golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there

were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot

down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became

smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it

turned into my colonel's cup.

Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce

believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup:

so said the colonel to him: "Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved

this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never

believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my

secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should

have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a

care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of

my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more."

So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for

his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must

needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the

colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to

answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver

attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any

honourable fashion do so.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS

Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from

him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he

was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished

for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a

sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied

that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and

limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the

colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk

with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I

was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw

that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who

knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his

innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged

easily from the circumstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his

son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from

whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he

looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave

his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live,

but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief

of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep.

At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in

patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his

regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the

matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the

service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in

which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving

of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I

had sewn up in my ass's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted

in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, "If there came one and

brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my

troubles." I answered him, "Brother, if that will help thee, have a

good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats." "Alas, brother,"

says he, "what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so

wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?" "Nay,

nay," said I, "I will provide the money." So I stripped off my coat and

took one of the asses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to

count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said,

"Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it."

Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for

very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and

therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together

with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they

would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all

which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their

perpetual friendship. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to

be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and

prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the

hands of me, Simplicissimus. "Yet," said he, "I am well assured that ye

two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in

fight." Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to

love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.

But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for

which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself

with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg,

and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish

army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the

meanwhile.

_Chap. xxiv._: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE

Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on

old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was

also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the

colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good

nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from

day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored

to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be

sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past.

Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to

know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good

calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent

physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named

the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since

many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.

My colonel's wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp,

for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered;

and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits,

he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge

that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which

cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he

described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it

were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the

time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things

which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or

had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water,

for he feared I might find my destruction therein.

When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the

orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day,

most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay

and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a

lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the

colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith

by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the

orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of

the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that

availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to

say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never

found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the

honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and

nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he

did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as

soon as he saw mine old friend, "I ask his honour's pardon," says he,

"for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him." "'Tis well,"

says Herzbruder, "wherein can I pleasure his honour?" "Only in this,"

says the lieutenant, "that I could beg of his honour that he would

condescend upon the casting of my nativity." Then the old man answered:

"I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by

reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task

needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will

be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full

satisfaction." "Very well," says the lieutenant, "but in the meantime

let your honour tell my fortune by my hand." "Sir," said old

Herzbruder, "that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your

worship to spare me in that matter: tomorrow I will do all that your

worship asks of me." Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he

goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man's eyes, and says he,

"Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life's end,

with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a

warning from God to order my life better; and so for God's sake I beg

you not to conceal the truth." Then the honest old man answered him in

a word, and says he, "'Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his

guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past." "What, thou old

rogue," quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, "durst thou

hold such language to a gentleman?" and drew his sword and stabbed my

good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried

"Murder," so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in

his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the

Elector of Saxony with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had

him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count

Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: "'Twould be bad

discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not

safe from murderers."

That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life:

for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck

till he was dead.

_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL

AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE

From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not

to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe

nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any

man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to

him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken

of. And to the question, whether 'tis necessy, or helpful, and good for

a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only

this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still

wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he

foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me

do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not

whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the

rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of

them I hold that they be ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully

accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old

Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble

parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but

common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help

Wallenstein, the Duke of Friedland, that 'twas prophesied to him he

should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not all

the world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry

their brains over such questions: but I must to my story.

So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I

took a disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I

had been wont to call a town of flax and straw with earthen walls. For

now I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up

with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool

me more, but to be rid of my jester's garb should it cost me life and

limb. And that design I carried out but scurvily, for otherwise I had

no opportunity.

For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder's death was

appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the

servants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village,

wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers' purpose, and as each

went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I

stole away, and searched to find some old peasant's clothing for which

I could exchange my fool's cap: yet I found not what I desired but must

be content with a woman's clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone,

and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but

that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked

across the street, where were certain officers' wives, and made such

mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him

disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter: yet was I

hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and

taught me to run faster: for when they cried "Halt, halt;" I ran the

quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers'

ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name

of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those

rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was

hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg

and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by

our people.

The captain's wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on

my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble

and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain

German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too

conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any

outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a

virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same

hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might

not be put to shame by my miserable peasant's kirtle. So that she did

and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll,

and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea,

and it waxed so that master and man begged of me that which I could not

grant to them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all

manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an

opportunity to get by force from me that which 'twas impossible he

should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome

my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of

obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or

lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the

servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night,

bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for

grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave

him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he

offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me

was an assurance 'twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he

became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point

at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if

he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and

therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning

give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed,

but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange

condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered,

for the captain's wife became more and more importunate with her

enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant

more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I

could see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain

tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the

servant beset me, so that my women's clothes were worse to wear than my

fool's cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed

Herzbruder's prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but

that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life

and limb. For the woman's apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not

get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had

once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair

wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal

myself to the servant as soon as 'twas day, for I thought, "his desires

will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will

help thee to man's clothes again and so out of all thy straits." Which

was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that

was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after

midnight, and came to get his "Yes" from me, and began to hammer on the

carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a

little too loud, "Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your

promise to me," and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent

close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes,

for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to

disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last

the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either

to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I

rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of

yesterday was on condition of marriage, without which he should have

nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began

to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he

would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. "Well," said I,

"if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will

soon follow." Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to

do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of

yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for

a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to

boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers' wives do it not on a

campaign. All other women's work which I could not do, such as brushing

and braiding hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she knew well I

had never learned it.

But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was

so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain

himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the

captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer,

but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a

thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to

me, "Thou whore in grain," says he, "I will teach thee ..." and more he

could not say for very rage, but struck at me as if he were mad. But I

beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp:

for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting

the approach of the Swedes under Banér.

_Chap. xxvi._: HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER

As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even

as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals,

and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more

dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy

their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils' children when

a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows

looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me

not out of his sight, and when he saw 'twould go ill with me would

rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers

enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity

for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they

had the better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go,

would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows

beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became

greater and greater till it seemed almost like a tournament in which

each did his best for a fair lady's sake. All this terrible hubbub drew

the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing

had been torn from my body and 'twas plain that I was no woman: his

coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the

devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But

he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save

me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and

suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women's clothes.

Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which

were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the

Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were

about to pass my colonel's regiment, I was known and accosted and

furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody

to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot.

It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old

curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver

paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept,

see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also

have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same

evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental

sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might

the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted

me not only for a spy, but also for one that could use witchcraft; for

shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who

confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General

Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg

might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an

answer were these. (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least

could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg

disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain's service I had been as

sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women's apparel?

(4) Whether I had not been at the witches' dance with other sorcerers?

(5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned

before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what

end I had learned women's work such as washing, baking, cooking, and

also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the

circumstances of my strange adventures might explain all; but the judge

was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he

desired only a round answer to each question; and that I answered in

the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was

exact or precise--as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read

and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool's coat because I

had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool's coat and could come

at no men's clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will

and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my

parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a

colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been

forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing

at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was

written out, "How canst thou deny," says he, "and say thou hast not

studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in

the mass said 'Domine non sum dignus,' thou didst answer in Latin that

he need not say that, for all knew it."

"Sir," said I, "others taught me that and persuaded me 'twas a prayer

that one must use at mass, when our chaplain was saying it." "Yes,

yes," said he, "I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue

must be loosed by the torture." Whereat I thought, "God help thee if

thy tongue follow thy foolish head!"

Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our

provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as

soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must

without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my

bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was

dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of

my fool's coat again.

_Chap. xxvii._: HOW THE PROVOST FARED IN THE BATTLE OF WITTSTOCK

The same evening, and when we had hardly as yet pitched our tents, I

was brought to the Judge-Advocate-General, who had before him my

deposition and also writing materials; and he began to examine me more

closely. But I, on the other part, told my story even as it had

happened to me, yet was not believed, nor could the judge be sure

whether he had a fool or a hard-bitten knave before him, so pat did

question and answer fall and so strange was the whole history. He bade

me take a pen and write, to see what I could do, and moreover to see if

my handwriting was known, or if it had any marks in it that a man

could recognise. I took pen and paper as handily as one that had been

daily used to employ the same, and asked what I should write. The

Judge-Advocate-General, who was perhaps vexed because my examination

had prolonged itself far into the night, answered me thus: "What!" says

he, "write down 'Thy mother the whore.'"

Those words I did write down, and when they were read out they did but

make my case worse,[17] for the Advocate-General said he was now well

assured that I was a rogue. Then he asked the provost, had they

searched me and found any writings upon me? The provost answered him

no; for how could they search a man that had been brought to them

naked? But it availed nought! The provost must search me in the

presence of all, and as he did that diligently (O ill-luck!) there he

found my two asses' ears with the ducats in them bound round my arms.

Then said they: "What need we any further witness? This traitor hath

without doubt undertaken some great plot, for why else should any

honest man disguise himself in a fool's raiment, or a man conceal

himself in women's garments? And how could any suppose that a man would

carry on him so great a quantity of money, unless it were that he

intended to do some great deed therewith?" For said they, did he not

himself confess he had learned lute-playing under the cunningest

soldier in the world, the commandant of Hanau? "Gentlemen," says they,

"what think you he did not learn among those sharp-witted Hessians? The

shortest way is to have him to the torture and then to the stake:

seeing he hath in any case been in the company of sorcerers and

therefore deserveth no better."

How I felt at that time any man can judge for himself; for I knew I was

innocent and had strong trust in God: yet I could see my danger and

lamented the loss of my fair ducats, which the Judge-Advocate-General

had put in his own pocket. But before they could proceed to extremities

with me Banér's folk fell upon ours: at the first the two armies fought

for the best position, and then secondly for the heavy artillery, which

our people lost forthwith. Our provost kept pretty far behind the line

of battle with his helpers and his prisoners, yet were we so close to

our brigade that we could tell each man by his clothing from behind;

and when a Swedish squadron attacked ours we were in danger of our

lives as much as the fighters, for in a moment the air was so full of

singing bullets that it seemed a volley had been fired in our honour.

At that the timid ducked their heads, as they would have crept into

themselves: but they that had courage and had been present at such

sport before let the balls pass over their heads quite unconcerned. In

the fighting itself every man sought to prevent his own death with the

cutting down of the nearest that encountered him: and the terrible

noise of the guns, the rattle of the harness, the crash of the pikes,

and the cries both of the wounded and the attackers made up, together

with the trumpets, drums and fifes, a horrible music. There could one

see nought but thick smoke and dust, which seemed as it would conceal

the fearful sight of the wounded and dead: in the midst of it could be

heard the pitiful outcries of the dying and the cheers of them that

were yet full of spirit: the very horses seemed as if they were more

and more vigorous to defend their masters, so furious did they shew

themselves in the performance of that duty which they were compelled to

do. Some of them one could see falling dead under their masters, full

of wounds which they had undeservedly received for the reward of their

faithful services: others for the same cause fell upon their riders,

and thus in their death had the honour of being borne by those they had

in life been forced to bear: others, again, being rid of the valiant

burden that had guided them, fled from mankind in their fury and

madness, and sought again their first freedom in the open field. The

earth, whose custom it is to cover the dead was there itself covered

with them, and those variously distinguished: for here lay heads that

had lost their natural owners, and there bodies that lacked their

heads: some had their bowels hanging out in most ghastly and pitiful

fashion, and others had their heads cleft and their brains scattered:

there one could see how lifeless bodies were deprived of their blood

while the living were covered with the blood of others; here lay arms

shot off, on which the fingers still moved, as if they would yet be

fighting; and elsewhere rascals were in full flight that had shed no

drop of blood: there lay severed legs, which though delivered from the

burden of the body, yet were far heavier than they had been before:

there could one see crippled soldiers begging for death, and on the

contrary others beseeching quarter and the sparing of their lives. In a

word, 'twas naught but a miserable and pitiful sight. The Swedish

conquerors drove our people from their position, which they had

defended with such ill luck, and were scattered everywhere in pursuit.

At which turn of things my provost, with us his prisoners, also took to

flight, though we had deserved no enmity from the conquerors by reason

of our resistance: but while the provost was threatening of us with

death and so compelling us to go with him, young Herzbruder galloped up

with five other horsemen and saluted him with a pistol and, "Lookye,

old dog," says he, "is it the time now to breed young puppies? Now will

I pay thee for thy pains."

But the shot harmed the provost as little as if it had struck an anvil.

So "Beest thou of that kidney," said Herzbruder, "yet I will not have

come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were

grown into thy body." And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the

provost's own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down

with an axe. And so that provost got his reward: but I being known by

Herzbruder, he bade them free me from my fetters and bonds, set me on a

horse, and charged his servant to bring me to a place of safety.

_Chap. xxviii._: OF A GREAT BATTLE WHEREIN THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED IN

THE HOUR OF TRIUMPH

But even then, while my rescuer's servant conveyed me out of danger,

his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain,

carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when

the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and

Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me

with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as

a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these

promises: namely, that if I carried myself well and could grow a little

older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that

I must be content.

But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel,

and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for

when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on

the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to

me: and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers

against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own

young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the

protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their

free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the

harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach

them with my arms and could do no harm among them.[18] I busied myself

with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy

this invincible Armada: yet had I neither time nor opportunity to

drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by

poison--though well I knew what quicksilver would do. Much less had I

the opportunity to be rid of them by a change of raiment or a clean

shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to

feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I

whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did

only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet.

At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and

so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under

the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from

their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little.

Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an

expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been

as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have

terrified the whole world: but as 'twas not so he must needs go warily,

and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called

between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my

friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared

they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder

that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge,

because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no

longer, but when the troopers were busy--some feeding, some sleeping,

and some keeping guard--I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war

with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be

wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and

murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with

blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such

as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take

their walks under that same tree.

Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin

doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the

battle. 'Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge

myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that

would suffer themselves to be hanged with me--yea, and broken on the

wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often

lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so

furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the

Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last

they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner.

Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had

just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the

tailor that killed "seven at a blow." I fell to the share of a dragoon,

and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel's cuirass,

and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant at Soest, where he

was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for

I must serve him as his foot-boy.

_Chap. xxix._: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW

THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE

Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole

house possessed by my army, 'twas certain she must be rid of them. And

that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and

burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again

as 'twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can

believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I

had sat for months as in an ant's nest. But in recompense for that I

had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of

those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented

with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in

what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his

weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of

the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that

he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I

must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with

water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for

me--inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole

body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that with

such secrecy that my master could by no manner of means be brought to

book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers--yea,

and surgeons too--were but superfluous. Sutlers and hawkers too must

soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from

eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered

out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he

would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this

good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of

loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have

followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast

clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my

hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth

three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither

Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack.

All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to

Paradise--which was a monastery so called--on protection-duty: not

indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might

grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns

had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their

guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one

horse: and "Zounds;" says he, "Simbrecht; (for he could never frame to

pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our

fill." And I answered him: "Yes," said I, "the name is a good omen: God

grant it that the place be like its name!" "Yes, yes," says he, for he

understood me not, "if we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer

every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a

fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one: 'twill make a

brave new coat for thee."

Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember

the Battle of Pavia,[19] so weather-beaten and shabby was it: and with

the giving of it he did me but little kindness.

Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of

angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink

that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we

had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and

delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned

to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese

on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a

knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer

beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past

sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had

been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew 'twould

not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags.

But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began

to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it

hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage

thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of

scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I

took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common

green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he

should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and

inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I

gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the

cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me

out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily

incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of

trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the

coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself.

But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading.

But now must the miserly fellow be ashamed that his lad went better

clothed than he: therefore he rides to Soest, borrows money from his

captain and equips himself in the finest style, with the promise to

repay all out of his weekly protection-pay: and that he carefully did.

He had indeed himself means to pay that and more also, but was too sly

to touch his stores: for had he done that his malingering was at an

end, wherein he hoped to abide softly that winter through, and some

other naked fellow had been put in his place: but now the captain must

perforce leave him where he lay, or he would not recover his money he

had lent. Thenceforward we lived the laziest life in the world, wherein

skittles was our chief exercise: when I had groomed my dragoon's horse,

fed and given him to drink, then I played the gentleman and went

a-walking.

The convent was safeguarded also by our opponents the Hessians with a

musqueteer from Lippstadt: the same was by trade a furrier, and for

that reason not only a master-singer but also a first-rate fencer, and

lest he should forget his art he daily exercised himself with me in all

weapons, in which I became so expert that I was not afraid to challenge

him whenever he would. My old dragoon, in place of fencing with him,

would play at skittles, and that for no other wager but who should

drink most beer at dinner: and so whoever lost the convent paid.

This convent had its own game-preserves and therefore its own huntsman,

and inasmuch as I also was clad in green I joined myself to him, and

from him in that autumn and winter I learned all his arts, and

especially all that concerns catching of small game. For that cause,

and because also the name Simplicissimus was somewhat uncommon and for

the common folk easily forgotten or hard to pronounce, every one called

me the "little huntsman": and meanwhile I learned to know every way and

path, and that knowledge I made good use of thereafter. But when by

reason of ill weather I could not take my walks abroad in the wood,

then I read all manner of books which the bailiff of the convent lent

me. And so soon as the good nuns knew that, besides my good voice, I

could also play a little on the lute and the harpsichord, then did they

give more heed to me, and because there was added to these qualities a

prettily proportioned body and a handsome face enough, therefore they

deemed all my manners and customs, my doings and my ways, to be the

ways of nobility: and so became I all unexpectedly a much-loved

gentleman, of whom one could but wonder that he should serve so scurvy

a dragoon.

But when I had spent the winter in the midst of such pleasures, my

master was discharged: which vexed him so much (by reason of the good

living he was to lose) that he fell sick, and inasmuch as that was

aggravated by a violent fever (and likewise the old wounds that he had

got in the wars in his lifetime helped the mischief), he had but short

shrift, for in three weeks I had somewhat to bury, but this epitaph I

wrote for him:

"Old Miserly lies here, a soldier brave and good,

Who all his lifetime through shed ne'er a drop of blood."

By right and custom the captain could take and inherit the man's horse

and musquet and the general all else that he left: but since I was a

lively, well-set-up lad, and gave hopes that in time I should not fear

any man, it was offered me to take all, if only I would take the place

of my dead master. And that I undertook the more readily because I knew

my master had left a pretty number of ducats sewn into his old

breeches, which he had raked together in his lifetime: and when in the

process of things I must give in my name--namely, Simplicius

Simplicissimus--and the muster-clerk (which was named Cyriack) could

not write it down aright, says he, "There is no devil in hell with such

a name." Thereon I asked him quickly, "Was there one there named

Cyriack?" and clever as he thought himself, that he would not answer:

and that pleased my captain so that from thenceforward he thought well

of me.

_Chap. xxx._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CARRIED HIMSELF WHEN HE BEGAN TO LEARN

THE TRADE OF WAR: WHEREFROM A YOUNG SOLDIER MAY LEARN SOMEWHAT

Now the commandant in Soest needed a lad in his stables, of the kind

that I seemed to him to be, and for that reason he was not well pleased

that I had turned soldier, but would try to have me yet: to that end he

made a pretence of my youth and that I could not yet pass for a man:

and having set this forth to my master, he sends to me and says he,

"Harkye, little huntsman, thou shalt be my servant." So I asked what

would my duties be: to which he answered I should help to tend his

horses. "No, sir," quoth I, "we are not for one another: I would rather

have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing

that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier." "Thy

beard," says he, "is yet too small." "No, no," said I, "I will wager I

can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man,

or goats would be in high esteem." "Oho!" says he, "if thy courage be

as high as thy wit, I will let thee pass for a soldier." I answered,

"That can be tried upon the next occasion," and therewithal I gave him

to understand I would not be used as a groom. So he left me as I was,

and said the proof of the pudding was in the eating.

So now I betook myself to my old dragoon's old breeches, and having

dissected them, I recovered out of their entrails a good soldier's

horse and the best musquet I could find: and all must for me be as

bright as looking-glass. Then I bought a new suit of green clothes: for

this name of the "huntsman" suited well with my fancy: and my old suit

I gave to my lad; for 'twas too small for me. And so could I ride on

mine own account like a young nobleman, and thought no small beer of

myself. Yea, I made so bold as to deck my hat with a great plume like

an officer: and with that I raised up for myself enviers and mislikers:

and betwixt them and me were presently hot words and at last even

buffets. Yet hardly had I proved to one or two that same science which

I had learned in Paradise of the good furrier, when behold, not only

would all leave me in peace but would have my friendship moreover.

Besides all this, I was ever ready to give my service for all

expeditions on foot or on horseback: for I was a good rider and quicker

on foot than most, and when it came to dealing with the enemy I must

charge forward as for mere pleasure and ever be in the front rank. So

was I in brief time known both among friends and foes, and so famous

that both parties thought much of me, seeing that the most dangerous

attacks were entrusted to me to carry out, and to that end whole

detachments put under my command. And now I began to steal like any

Bohemian, and if I made any capture of value, I would give my officers

so rich a share thereof that 'twas allowed me to play my tricks on

forbidden ground, for whatever I did I was supported. General Count

Götz had left remaining in Westphalia three enemy's garrisons--to wit,

in Dorsten, in Lippstadt, and in Coesfeld: and all these three I

mightily plagued! for I was before their gates, now here, now there,

one day here and one day there, no less, and snapped up many a good

prize, and because I ever escaped the folk came to believe of me I

could make myself invisible and was as proof as iron or steel. So now

was I feared like the plague itself, so that thirty men of the enemy

would not be shamed to flee before me if they did but know I was in

their neighbourhood with fifteen. And at last it came to this: that

where a contribution must be levied from a place, I was the man for

that: and my plunder from that became as great as my fame. Mine

officers and comrades loved their little huntsman: the chief partisans

of the opposite side were terrified, and by fear and love I kept the

countrymen on my side: for I knew how to punish my opposers, and them

that did me the smallest service richly to repay: insomuch that I spent

wellnigh the half of my booty in paying of my spies. And for that

reason there went no reconnaissance, no convoy, no expedition out from

the adversary whose departure was not made known to me: whereupon I

laid my plans and founded my projects, and because I commonly brought

the same to good effect by the help of good luck, all were astonished:

and that chiefly at my youthful age: so that even many officers and

good soldiers of the other party much desired to see me. To this must

be added that I ever shewed myself courteous to my prisoners, so that

they often cost me more than my booty was worth, and whensoever I could

shew a courtesy to any of the adversary, and specially to any officer,

without injury to my duty and to my allegiance to my master, I

neglected it not. And by such behaviour I had surely been presently

forwarded to the rank of officer, had not my youth hindered that: for

whosoever, at the age wherein I then was, would be an ensign, must be

of noble birth: besides, my captain could not promote me; for there

were no vacancies in his own company and he would not let me go to

another: for so would he have lost in me a milch-cow and more too. So

must I be and remain a corporal. Yet this honour, which I had gained

over the heads of old soldiers, though 'twas but a small thing, yet

this and the praise which daily I received were to me as spurs to urge

me on to better things. And day and night I dreamed only of fresh plans

to make myself greater: nay, I could not sleep by reason of such

foolish phantasies. And because I saw that I wanted an opportunity to

shew the courage which I felt in me, it vexed me that I could not every

day have the chance to meet the adversary in arms and try the result.

So then I wished the Trojan war back again, or such a siege as was at

Ostende,[20] and fool as I was, I never thought that a pitcher goes to

the well till it breaks: and that also is true of a young soldier and a

foolish, when he hath but money and luck and courage: thereupon follow

haughtiness and pride: and by reason of that pride I hired, in place of

one footboy, two serving-men, whom I equipped well and horsed them

well, and so gained the envy of all the officers.

_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON'S BACON AND HOW THE

HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF

Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before

I left the dragoons: and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing

to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not

also small affairs, if only I could be assured that thereby I should

get reputation among the people.

Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss

Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we

thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide

ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a

week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the

appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so

had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and

so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good

friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And

therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would

not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist who had but lately

run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which

beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had

despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so

he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them.

"Ah, brother;" says he to me, "is't not a shame that I have not learned

arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, _re vera_, if I

could but get to the parson in that village, 'twould provide me with an

excellent convivium." So I pondered on that word awhile and considered

our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave

the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were

unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I

founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain.

And though 'twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so

great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes

with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village

and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and

coming thither we forthwith knew the house next the church to be the

priest's abode; for 'twas built town-fashion and abutted on the wall

that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade

what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on

him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I

could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for

farmers do not often have their houses decorated.

The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep

Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the

soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his

journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught

of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would

eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day

was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I

went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to

appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant

plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye-bread,

that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the

innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be

had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I

came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his

fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey

to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome

and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some

pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must

follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in

the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! there I saw

that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles,

meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the

chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they

smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades

in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were.

Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said

oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as

aforesaid, the parson's yard was walled round and all windows

sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two

monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a

surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon 'twas the

reward of their faithful guardianship to feed by day. So now when we

came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would

hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my

journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, "Fellow," says he, "I take

thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter." To such rough talk I

was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a

little and answered him, "Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and

in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art." Whereat the

priest laughed, yet said to us both, 'twas not fitting to wrangle in so

holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my

student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart

I left behind among the smoked sausages.

Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and

arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows

to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took

the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm

dogs; and when we were to pass by the parsonage, I found it not in my

heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and

considered deeply whether 'twere not possible to come into the priest's

kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this

turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the

churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from

a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any

chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees),

so on to the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with

a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my

purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered

myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened

one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my

comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to

carry to the bonehouse. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my

shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor

Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself

caught as in a mouse-trap: 'tis true, my comrades on the roof let down

the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the

ground. And, "Now huntsman," thought I, "thou must abide a hunt in

which thy hide will be as torn as was Actaeon's," for the priest was

awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who

came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her

shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she

took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew

harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire

and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by

what means I could help myself out: yet found I none.

Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would

break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade

them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the

roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and

disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not

be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself

struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the

kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my

head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and

accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of

ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer

could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had

likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have

granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle

round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans

about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck,

and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need.

All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with

his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup

on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the

sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to

exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me

to be the devil, I thought 'twas but fair I should play the devil's

part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, "I am the Devil, and will

wring thy neck and thy cook's too." Yet he went on with his conjuring

and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and

commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to

the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice,

that 'twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the

roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to

play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he

hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he

bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down

the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then

again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry

and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of

wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than

anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as

the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that

the devil loved to appear clad in green.

Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I

was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to

the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily

drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I

found my comrades standing with their musquets cocked, and left the

parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had

brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands,

we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village

save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their

owners.

With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had

cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not

stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so nobly filled his

belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon,

had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he

were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer

and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no

single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as

splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share

because I had done best: and that was three fine Friesland stallions

laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and

had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of

safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had

to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with

all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook

ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty: for

there lay our main body.

And there I thought again on the priest, whose bacon I had stolen: and

now may the reader think what a misguided, wanton, and overweening

spirit was mine, when it was not enough for me to have robbed and

terrified that pious man, but I must claim honour for it. To that end I

took a sapphire set in a gold ring, which I had picked up on that same

plundering expedition, and sent it from Rehnen to my priest by a sure

hand with this letter: "Reverend Sir,--Had I but in these last days had

aught in the wood to eat and so to live, I had had no cause to steal

your reverence's bacon, in which matter 'tis likely you were terrified.

I swear by all that is holy that such affright was against my will, and

so the more do I hope for forgiveness. As concerning the bacon itself,

'tis but just it should be paid for, and therefore in place of money I

send this present ring, given by those for whose behoof your goods must

needs be taken, and beg your reverence will be pleased to accept the

same: and add thereto that he will always find on all occasions an

obedient and faithful servant in him whom his sacristan took to be no

painter and who is otherwise known as 'The Huntsman.'"

But to the peasant whose oven they had emptied, the party sent out of

the general booty sixteen rix-dollars: for I had taught them that in

such wise they must bring the country-folk on their side, seeing that

such could often help a party out of great difficulties or betray such

another party and bring all to the gallows. From Rehnen we marched to

Münster and thence to Ham, and so home to Soest to our headquarters,

where I after some days received an answer from his reverence, as

follows: "Noble Huntsman,--If he from whom you stole the bacon had

known that you would appear to him in devilish guise, he had not so

often wished to behold the notorious huntsman. But even as the borrowed

meat and bread have been far too dearly paid for, so also is the fright

inflicted the easier to forgive, especially because 'twas caused

(against his will) by so famous a person, who is hereby forgiven, with

the request that he will once more visit without fear him who fears not

to conjure the devil.--Vale."

And so did I everywhere, and gained much fame: yea, and the more I

gave away and spent, the more the booty flowed in, and I conceived

that I had laid out that ring well, though 'twas worth some hundred

rix-dollars. And so ends this second book.