BOOK II.

_Chap. i._: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED

So in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black and

white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this

place to say more. Yet can I not choose but say that even then I

doubted whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor

down or whether I was only so led to believe. Now will I further relate

how I came again out of my goose prison. For three whole hours, namely,

till that "Praeludium Veneris" (I should have said that seemly dance)

was ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with

the bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow

that was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick

as I would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a

lady, even as I had seen done at the dancing. I knew not what was to

happen: but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures

as had happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my

mind to bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me,

I crept close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the

end. So presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I

could understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil

air of the place, and on the other hand the second party would console

the first.

Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not

what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse. Yet

when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards

nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and

moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of

those mad folk which helped to stamp on the floor, and have now betaken

themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy

death.

As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door, so

to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of "Murder" as loud as that

which had brought me to that place. Yet had I the sense to bolt the

door behind me and make for the open house-door.

This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and

even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to

give no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score

against me, which I honourably discharged.

Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat,

but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart

what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing. For this I

hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up,

whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed.

_Chap. ii._: CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE

PROPER SEASON

And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then first

aware of my sad plight. In my master's quarters all was sound asleep:

so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the

house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me:

while to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to

betake myself. Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to

seek refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought

I followed so far as to knock at his door: and therein was so

importunate that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me. But

forthwith she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by

this time wellnigh slept off his wine, heard. So he called us both to

him as he lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed:

for he could well perceive that I was numbed with the cold. Yet was I

hardly warm in my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood

by my bedside to hear how it had gone with me and how my business had

fared, for I could not rise to go to him. So I told him all, and began

with the tricks which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill

they had turned out. Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after

he, the pastor, had left the table, had lost their wits and (as my

comrade had told me) determined to stamp down the floor of the house:

item into what fearful terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I

tried to save my life: how thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and

what I had noted in words and works of those two which had delivered

me, and in what manner I had locked them both up in my stead.

"Simplicissimus," said the pastor, "thy case stands but lousily: thou

hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear thou hast fooled it away.

Get thee quick out of bed and pack out of my house, lest I come with

thee under my lord's displeasure if thou be found here with me." So I

must away, with my wet clothes, and now for the first time must

understand how well he stands with all and sundry who doth but possess

his master's favour: yet how askance he is looked upon when that favour

halteth.

Away I went to my master's lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep

save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room

wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was

preparing from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a

luncheon. So first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with

all manner of drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down. In

some places all was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards

and downwards: in other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer,

so that the floor looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate

seas, islands, and continents. And in that room was the smell far worse

than in my goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook

myself to the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before

the fire, expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would

further play with me when my lord should awake. Then did I reflect upon

all the folly and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind

all that happened to me in the past day and night and what I had seen

and heard in that time. So when I thought thereon I did even deem the

poor and miserable life which my old hermit led a happy one, and

heartily I wished him and myself back in our old place.

_Chap. iii._: HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND

HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL

When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen:

who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife

behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before

such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long

time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and

thither to fetch yesterday's guests to breakfast: among whom was also

the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master

would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked

him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so

simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I

had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part

taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of

malice and in their despite; item, that he had caused me to be shut up

in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet

further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my

state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him:

in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played

him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to

do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself

so clownishly, to send me to the devil.

Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by

degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord

Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little

while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from

which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable

thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his

conduct.

Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same

mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a

treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a

thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised

him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings.

So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food

and with guests. There wormwood, sage wine, elecampane, quince and

lemon drinks, with hippocras, were to clear the heads and stomachs of

the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their

first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of

drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that

would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some

had called the devil to witness they could drink no more. Some indeed

confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it 'twas only

since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that

such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tired both of

hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear

the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of

those merry happenings which he had promised.

So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he

must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office.

Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had

caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I

had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain

enchantments[9] against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned

out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange

to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication

thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized

upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen.

All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking

that they were fit to split with laughing, and so completely forgave my

simplicity and ignorance that I was restored to my master's favour and

was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in

the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought,

for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken

offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour.

Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what had I

given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said,

"Nothing at all." Then says he, "I will pay him the school fees for

thee." So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket and there soundly

trounced: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried

those magical arts and found them false.

So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give

me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well

that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to

make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my foolish

fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a

hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, "Another may have done

it." "Who then?" says he. "Why," says I, "he that came to me." "And who

came to thee?" quoth he. "Nay," says I, "that may I tell no man." Now

my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go

about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it

was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, "The mad

ensign."

Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily

committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as

a hot coal, I would say no more till by him it should be allowed. Yet

this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a

command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And

thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do

with me in the goose-pen. "Oh," says I, "he brought a young lady to me

there."

And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter

that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more

questions; and 'twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young

maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame.

Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a

little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now

where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams

on half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed

in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled

the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front

smoke and thunder and hell-fire. Then they told many more such stories

of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other

employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a

general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be

soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare

jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in

the world and cause laughter to a dying man.

_Chap. iv._: CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE

MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN:

THROUGH WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS

But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done

the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of

letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which

same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review

the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting,

and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind

is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as

tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with

the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself, together with a

detachment from the Mainguard and many torches, to the very gates,

himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he

wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere

ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed

him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at

all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to shew his devotion; yea,

the courtesy to all outward shew was between the two so great that the

Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his

lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place.

Then thought I, "Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern

all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another's help."

So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call "Who goes

there?" though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but

would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more

impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the

last "Who goes there?" "The man who pays the money."

Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the

before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by

profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg, thus murmur to

himself: "Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that

pays the money? a skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou.

So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert

struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town."

So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with

the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm

him, but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love

and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind

drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace.

Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and

sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat

that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may

well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned

in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five

with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too

little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that

end with borrowed clothes (for my short page's breeches were in no wise

military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this

reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came

happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one

trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name,

hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so

must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor

himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the

muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family;

and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own

sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew

my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the

profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And

this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in

all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more

than this to my charge.

_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND

THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE

Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come

secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, "O Simplicissimus:

for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy.

Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined

to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and

to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for

thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art

to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so

grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be

used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because

such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because

I, for thy hermit's piety's sake and for thine own innocence' sake,

desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with

counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble,

therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will

in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to

thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise

hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy

spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these

things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at

no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but

look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I

impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they

shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor

believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so

carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine

attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then

will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know

not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou

shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool's coat, then come again to me

that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray

God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of

body."

With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook

myself home.

Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep

came four rogues disguised with frightful devils' masks into my room

and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and

twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch

in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed

and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my

clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and

natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all

the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with

them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could

neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up

and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great

fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to

drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade

me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was

careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they

pretended.

Then said they, "Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us:

but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must

forthwith into this fire that thou seest."

These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I

marked at once they were my lord's grooms: yet I let them not perceive

this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must

themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but

they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such

customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than

I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself

with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master's guests lately

do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to

chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all

the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they

themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not

go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I

often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they

would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is

kept from sleep[10]: and this was my great torment. 'Tis true I could

have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they

stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another's watch;

and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I

spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the

fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if 'twould

burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of

my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox

when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could

no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet

and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well

have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know

not, so gone was I from my senses.

_Chap. vi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A

CALF

Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar

with the devils, but in a fine room under the charge of three of the

foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when

I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then

read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies,

or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like

Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a

fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o'-the-wisps, and

between the same a long, thin hawk's nose whose end or point reached at

least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth,

and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its

form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring

itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet

ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair

hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just

fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could

serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the

unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit

handsomer, save that they had blunt apes' noses and had put on their

clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself,

I perceived that the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of

two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was

in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames

stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young

child; yea, while the work was a-doing they shewed me great patience

and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it

truly stood with me: yet I thought, "Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in

no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy

youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one

could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou

mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things."

So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I

fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and

other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my

clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one

stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads

with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white

shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and

the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes,

shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded

flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out

to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had

happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam:

so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was

at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented

by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink,

which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle

sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell

asleep so soon as it grew warm within me.

The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet

found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine

old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar,

and besides that I had on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough

side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian

fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on

my neck was a headpiece like a monk's cowl; this was drawn down over my

head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses' ears. Then must I

perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the

feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first

began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this

I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the

chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate

would shape itself.

_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A

BRUTE BEAST

Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign

had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a

fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath

not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present

myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long

before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me;

for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who

was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in

here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and

wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became

them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited

comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought

often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel

what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the

Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak

than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did,

and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For

this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in

goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come

of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer."

So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street

to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and

inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very

blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was

being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack

of young fools and old.

Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the

world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a

gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have

about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11] apprentice and answered

thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we

calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into

fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and

thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out

of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured

the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try

which of us two can best trick the other."

Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his

cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran

to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but

they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf,

albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and

scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been

let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again

bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport.

And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and

as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly

one fool maketh a hundred more."

But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine

own self."

And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my

part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to

the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily;

for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did

count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their

wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each

one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men

the cleverest.

The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short

forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At

dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint

tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's

food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at

that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of

calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads

of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first

course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to

lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with

salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this,

but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.

"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new

thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at

times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what

is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference

is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part

therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was

hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men

could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful

than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more

stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than

foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than

asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their

shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of

innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my

fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a

stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without

doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men

into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took

my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests

or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord

would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all

this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this

sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and

impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much

wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover,

that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they

alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be

as many good fish[12] in the sea yet.

_Chap. viii._: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE

FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS

Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and

away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away

the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him

I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So

when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many

folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why,

upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this

foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so

use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself

as if thou, like to the Phœnix, hast been newly born from folly to

understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou

withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason

hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of

joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy

life. For a man can run quickly into hell, but to get out again doth

need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a

long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as

well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight

and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or

unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide."

Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and

that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I

fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit

and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face,

that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed

what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and

busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which

he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made

him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded.

Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour,

wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had

invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not

without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a

single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a

thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the

head such as he had ministered to me."

"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own

books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein

the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist."

Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth,

'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became

keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and

told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his

right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of

Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's ambassador, on the very day after he

came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators,

and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm

men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister

judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So,

too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know

out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once

through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once

recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses

spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew

the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by

word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian

Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of

the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects.

Julius Cæsar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences.

The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median,

Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by

heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican

that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them

in proper order.

"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold

it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently

strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in

many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is

no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness,

terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth

a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens

that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever

learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness,

came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala

Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory.

And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot

how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a

year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place

and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's

brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as

if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a

Spanish nobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and

could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good

Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well

have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull

like Jupiter."

The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his

medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come.

So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one

hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like

calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window,

and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh

heartily thereat.

_Chap. ix._: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY

Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the

parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to

see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like

a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took

occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she

did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also

heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so.

"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?"

So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who

knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become

a calf; and yet am I that same."

Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should

become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts

naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be

wont to cover."

"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou

art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis

worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for

sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein

thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to

thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how

to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is

becoming."

So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to

head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her

to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault

lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left

those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the

skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have

his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady,"

quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care

that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master

Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann,

and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never

drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine

clothes he would make for the hussies."

So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula

handsomer than these ladies;"

"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair

as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth

as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so

sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as

if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a

dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is

it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull

that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed

that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see

this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady

had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and

this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine

as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine

so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to

warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a

blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters

with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches.

Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the

colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters

give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so

orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white

turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel

pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white

as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And

oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so

long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a

gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go

a-fishing."

With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I

talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by

others so long as I would, and no longer.

_Chap. x._: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS

Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service:

for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise

all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well

fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his

vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he

laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would

demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As

to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at

once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was

the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what

title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he,

"like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first

parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such

as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in

such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were

exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods:

and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the

histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between

men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but

since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human

honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to

the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice."

So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read

pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not

this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak

otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and

what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give

nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of

these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes

and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them?

And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do

descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a

stockfish and thy mother a plaice."

"Oho!" answered the secretary, "if the matter is to be settled by our

reviling of each other, then can I cast in thy teeth thy father was but

a clownish peasant of the Spessart, and though in thy home and in thy

family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet

lower, seeing that thou art become an unreasoning calf."

So I answered: "Thou art right; 'tis even that that that I would

maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to

the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of

their parent's titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a

calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great

king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth whether it may not please God that I,

like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater one than my

dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make

themselves nobles."

"Let it be so for the sake of argument," said the secretary, "that the

children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet

thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn

their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that

we do rightly honour the children for the parents' sake, since the

apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the

descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their

ancient forefather's high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in

his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able

to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him

nothing to subdue. Did not he before the thirtieth year of his age

overcome all the world and wish for another to conquer? Did not he in a

battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer

rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he

were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee

before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than

other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tells that his breath was like

perfume and his sweat like musk and that his dead body smelt of

precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and

Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the

civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and

slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides the taking of 940 ships

from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain

capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman

people's tribune, was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight

times conquer them that challenged him: he could shew forty-five scars

on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine

generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs, which they did

clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus's honour in

war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his

fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that

he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the

French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus and the rest, whose

undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell

of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass

over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to

make less noise in the world, yet do achieve great fame for the masters

of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis, which by his ingenious brain

and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in

Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and

in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in

love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with

one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at

Syracuse a great ship laden with merchants' ware as if he had but led a

packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of

two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this

honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art?

This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy's

warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent

letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised

the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres was

accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture

and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others should have

their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it

mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things

into thy unreasoning bullock's brain or not. For 'tis with thee as with

the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the

hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no

honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such to those that do

deserve it."

With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: "These

mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not

accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what

manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many

innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won

by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts,

what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain,

idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any

man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust,

or the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns

which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and well could we

spare both printing and writing, according to the sentence and opinion

of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for

him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to

recognise the almighty power of God."

_Chap. xi._: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR

Then my lord would also have his jest with me, and said: "I do well

perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth,

therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility." "Sir,"

answered I, "if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of

honour, yet would I not take it."

My lord laughed and said; "That I believe, for for the ox his oaten

straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of

gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours

and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune

raises me above my fellows."

Then did I sigh, and "O toilsome felicity!" said I. "Sir, I assure you,

ye are the most miserable man in Hanau."

"How so; how so, calf?" said my lord. "Give me thy reasons, for such I

find not in myself."

So I answered, "If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in

Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened,

then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you

of iron and quite insensible; ye have, 'tis true, the right to command,

and whosoever comes within your ken the same must obey you. But do they

serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men's servant? Must ye not

specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with

foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone.

Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and

therein must ever be on your guard that your plans be not spied upon.

Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye

must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition,

food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to

contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men

out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and

murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb,

captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence 'tis true they

brought back booty, but ye have laid on them a grievous responsibility

before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine

honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such

treasures as doubtless thou gatherest? And granted that such riches

remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in

this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast

gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy thy booty,

yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in

misery suffer want or even perish and die of hunger. How often do I see

that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are

distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves do sleep in

peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy

head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the

preservation of thy subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am

raised above such cares! and so, knowing that I do owe the debt of

death to nature, I fear not lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest

I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I

delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay

snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a

continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and

foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or

thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it be; even as

thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and

thy supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as

regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety.

"I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee

and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for

thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather

greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that

place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and

prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God's majesty. Yea, and

the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou

knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that

thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou

doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into

virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and

when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they,

and do urge thee on to others' harm, that they may keep in thy favour

and fill their purses too."

"Thou malingerer," said my lord, "who taught thee so to preach?"

"Good my lord," answered I, "say I not truly that thou art so spoiled

by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help?

Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn

thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in

thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou

not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the

Lacedaemonians railed at their own Lycurgus for walking with his head

bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so

loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he

did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for

wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too

greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of

Hannibal for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye

now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that,

besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites,

hath more than one hundred, yea, 'tis like enough more than ten

thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers?

Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head

have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live? Is't

not a duty laid upon thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them,

and listen to each one's complaints and grievances? Were that not of

itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor

secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard 'tis for thee and yet

how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the

end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou

canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes to tell thee, who

after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal

and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice,

banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So

Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his

countrymen that he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw;

yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and

had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to

thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it

with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to

carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to

obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy

commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a

stupid calf."

While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and

wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, as

they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if

he had been forced so to speak without preparation.

_Chap. xii._: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS

So I ended my discourse thus: "Therefore," said I, "my excellent

master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so

since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines;

and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise

know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me

as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance:

even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for

thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and

soon will bring thee into one sickness or another."

Then my lord answered: "I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou

art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that

calf-skin clad thyself with a rogue-skin."

With that I made as if I were angry, and said: "Do ye men think, then,

that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain

that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you

a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who

hath taught the wild wood-pigeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and

the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves,

turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth cat and dog to

eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath

taught the tortoise to heal a bite with hemlock or the stag when he is

shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the

weasel to use the rue when she will fight with bat or snake? Who maketh

the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to

them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that

she should heal her fledglings' dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did

instruct the snake to eat of fennel when she will cast her slough and

heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the

pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by

bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and

sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that

we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing too

fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active, and healthy. And

which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this,

consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their

cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them,

therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wiser and more ingenious

than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they

should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the

autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer

climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that

end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them,

perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good

friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must

spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other,

and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further,

behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if

you find a singly knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath

taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to

catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner or else

full in the centre? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus

writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water so many

stones that the water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof.

What would ye do if ye were to dwell among the beasts and there behold

all the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings?

Then at all events would ye acknowledge 'twas plain that all beasts had

somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and

instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid,

now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other;

they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to

them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is

necessary for their sustenance--yea, and at times do befool you men

yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered

of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute

whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not

to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they

make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of

it."

_Chap. xiii._: OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER

READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM

Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord's

guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool

because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had

a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most

complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if 'twere possible to

drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I

was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at

least sane enough. But my lord himself said, "I hold him for a fool

because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his

speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool." (Now all this they

spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I

studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was

"but, dear sir," said I further, "tell me what manner of things are

these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the

balls with which men bowl." Then answered he they called the "mad

ensign," "What will ye with the fellow? 'a hath a devil, 'a is

possessed? 'tis sure the devil talking through his mouth." And on that

my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf,

whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go

to heaven. "Surely," answered I, "Yet have I my immortal human soul,

which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to

hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am

but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in God's good time I might

well become a man again." "And I hope thou mayst," said my lord, with a

pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him

of having allowed me to be driven mad. "But let us hear," he went on,

"how art thou wont to pray?" So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and

hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord's

repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding

comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance

prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all

Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would

vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to

praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in

devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were

also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord's

own eyes were full of water.

After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that

I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest

all was not well[13] with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in

the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and

ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who

knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have

been thought on before 'twas allowed to make me a fool, for "men," said

he, "were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with

such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts": yet would

he never believe 'twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere,

seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet

if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then

had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there

would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his

reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God,

whereto he was chiefly created. "I gave ye beforehand my assurance,"

said he, "that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to

the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his

father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the

wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with

him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was

but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew

not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if

we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no

longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly

believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his

friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and

broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed

both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a

wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food

nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave

themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined

themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to

eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had

a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me

he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid

of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him

ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the

smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw

off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap

such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig's guts to

it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon,

which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I

had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest

it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through

tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away

his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he

had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was

in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge,

conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs

believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one

madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the

ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by

little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he

felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right

shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as

were these of whom I have spoken."

"All this can I believe," answered my master, "only this gives me

concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all

matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find

even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is:

for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine

own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so

that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle

or a warning of God."

"Sir," answered the pastor, "this may well be true and yet natural: I

know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went

through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because

the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and

forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he

stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with

time he may again be brought to right reason."

In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me

and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of

happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their

crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that

the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro

and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care

for me, he gained the Governor's favour, who gave him office and made

him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small

matter: neither did I grudge it him.

_Chap. xiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A NOBLEMAN, AND HOW

THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF

So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and

love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to

complete my good fortune but that my calfskin was too much and my years

too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not

yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time,

neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my

taste for music, had me to learn it, and hired for me an excellent

lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled

him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my

lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration.

Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the

richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the

soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master

was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often

jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this

end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander

them, others for that very reason--namely, that I should slander others

for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money,

which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to

what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so

from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter

with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might

courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like

a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could

one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water

and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good

meal I found the Rhenish wine and the Hanau double-beer to my taste,

which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great

favour of God: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and

harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau itself besieged by the

enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising

of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to

Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernhard of Weimar, for besides that he

hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly 'twas not

possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to

him in that fool's raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew

more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that

the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a

reasonable creature again, and therefore counselled the Governor he

should have a couple of calfskins prepared and put on two other boys,

and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a

physician, prophet or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys

and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this

manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to

believe I had, like others, again become a man. Which proposal when the

Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my

master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune

would not so easily free me of my fool's clothes nor leave me longer to

enjoy my noble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were

already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was

even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the

ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party

of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless

farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all off

together. 'Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with

them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, "Mih werne daho blasna

sebao, bowe deme ho gbabo Oberstowi" ("Take we the fool: bring we him

to our colonel"). And another answered him, "Prschis am bambo ano, mi

ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille

sebao" ("Yes, by God, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks

German: he will have sport with him"). So I must to horse, and must

learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so

separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear

the consequences.

_Chap. xv._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW

AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS

Though 'tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on

horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and harassed them with

skirmishing, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for

being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to

Büdingen, where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the

rich Hanauers' sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen

horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was

even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the

Büdingen forest into the abbey-lands of Fulda, and seized on the way

all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them

not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do

mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the

abbey-lands of Hirschfeld, where they had their quarters, with great

store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes

took as his share.

In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and

wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coarse black

bread and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and

beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content

to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of that lute-playing which

had delighted all men, now must I at times creep under the table like

the other lads, howl like a dog, and suffer myself to be pricked with

their spurs, which was for me but a poor jest. Instead of my promenades

at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean

out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than

attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with

danger to life and limb), and there threshing, grinding, baking,

stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the

farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters.

And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a

forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that

time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if

they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to

heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not

wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but

on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on

him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse

or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and

covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often

see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not

ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one pocked one out. Short hair

he had, but a broad Switzer's beard, which served his turn well, for he

was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet

though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his

own folk and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never

were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we

were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the

Hessians' resources: nor on his part did Melander[14] leave us in

peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Cassel.

This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself

back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not

talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued,

beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my

colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks

like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet

then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I

soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep

my master's weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as

yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I

gained my master's favour, insomuch that he had a new fool's coat of

calfskins made for me, with much greater asses' ears than I wore

before. Now as my master's palate was not delicate, I needed the less

skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease

or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day

and night how I might most cleverly escape--and that the more because

'twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of

clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our

quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a

smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I

stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the

nearest wood.

_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME

A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS

Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I

went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune:

for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by

highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me

somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see

my fool's coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their

trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and

'twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to

which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to

search me, asking, "Who art thou? Hast thou money?"

Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses'

ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived

the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they

are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into

himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself

or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good

purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning

sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, "I am the devil,

and I will break thy neck and thy fellow's too."

Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly

as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed

themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more

often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till

I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed

through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness

was horrible to hear.

Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took

for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage

fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my

coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a

cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance,

hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder

like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to

sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot,

searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked

up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found

nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. "Shame," said

they, "ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so

suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken

by a single man." Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if

'twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well

perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, "It may have been the

devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again." Then one of

them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, "What

thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I

would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken

both with him." Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might

well happen that some countrymen had since passed that way who had

found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and

'twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their

hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the

darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able

powerfully to describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and

the two horns as certain signs of the devil's quality. Nay, I do

conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would

have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found

nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to

make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch

in which were some 360 ducats. And that I rejoiced thereat none need

question, yet may the reader be assured that the knapsack pleased me

yet more than this fine sum of money, since I found it well stored with

provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too sparsely strewn among

common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that

the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and

quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled

to share them with the rest.

Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little

spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if

my life depended thereon, to say, in what land or place I then found

myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my

food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack

was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers' houses. And there I crept by

night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could

carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood.

And so I led a hermit's life as before, save that I stole much and

therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered

now here, now there. 'Twas well for me indeed that it was now the

beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket

whenever I would.

_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES

During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods

different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if

the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and

were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the

highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had

with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was

of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must

needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the

uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs,

to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two

men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the

sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a

handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed

them the alluring gold and cried, "My masters, if ye will but wait for

me I will give you this handful of gold." But as soon as they saw me

and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets

and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I

filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if

in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after

long pondering thereupon, I thought, "Who knoweth what may chance to

thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest

folk, thou canst live on it a long while." So it came into my head to

sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses' ears which made the

folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with

those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and

bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured

my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I

needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was

sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen

anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never

caught pilfering.

It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store by my

customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a

farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that

there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I

wisely stayed away); so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the

yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and

stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed.

But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that

led to the living-room; thither I crept to see if the folk would not

soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put

on their clothes, and in place of a light there stood a sulphurous blue

flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms,

pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window

one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great

terror; yet, as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in

my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not

much of this, and that chiefly because 'twas all so done in such

stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the

living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to find

it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon

I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out

of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as

pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and

my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to

a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count

how long I took for this long journey. These folk were dancing of a

wondrous dance, the like of which I saw never in my life, for they had

taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs

turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces, so that all

faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the

second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two

put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over

two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and

the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed,

nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked

monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically.

My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood

outside the rings all round the dancers, of which minstrels some had,

instead of flutes, clarinets and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and

blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose

breech they blew and fingered on the tail; which sounded like to

bagpiper: others fiddled on horses' skulls as on the finest violins,

and others played the harp upon a cow's skeleton such as lie in the

slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his

arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout

all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded

therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew

began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl, to rant, to ramp, and to

roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into

what terror and fear I fell.

In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a

monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged

out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so

filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says

he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from

thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name)

that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay

in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from

it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went

on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it

hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas

all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the

ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.