All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain:

whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times

our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those

of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For greybeards defeat no

foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: We

say:

"Choose out a bull that's young and strong to lead

and keep the herd,

For though the veteran be good, the young must

be preferred.

So let the herdsman trust to him, full young though

he appears:

'Tis but a saw, and 'tis no law, that wisdom comes

with years."

"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born

officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime

have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no

respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant

lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done

his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than

bring reproach upon his family by treason or desertion or the like,

will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have

the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in

furnishing of offices the preference should ever be given to the

nobility, and these properly set before the commons. Such usage is to

be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy

Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith

Sirach in his tenth chapter; which is a noble testimony to the

preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be

a good soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in

every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others:

which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them

from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this

property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit

hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have

more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure

recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the

common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman;

yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made

lords straightway; for men say:

"'Where will ye find a sharper sword, than peasant

churl that's made a lord?'

"Now had the peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom,

possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have

let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of

Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise

yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when

they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to

promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only

thought is how ye can tend and care for your sick bodies which, by

reason of much hardships, be crippled and of little use for war: yea,

and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion."

Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if

he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded

for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all

the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our

old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the

firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the

world must acknowledge that 'tis those nations which promote common

soldiers, that are good soldiers too, that win victories, as may be

seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse

"'Thy lamp is bright: yet feed it well with oil: an

thou dost not the flame sinks down and dies.

So by rewards repay the soldiers toil, for service

brave demands its pay likewise.'"

Then answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man,

we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be

who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from

shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have

raised themselves up far above the poorer nobility to the ranks of

counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the

Swede Stalhans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. André? Of

their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake,

forbear to mention. So is it nothing new in the present time, nor will

it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great

honours, as happened also among the ancients. Tamburlaine became a

mighty king and the terror of the whole world, which was before but a

swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor

Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappadocian, a slave,

was emperor after Tiberius II.; Justin, that reigned before Justinian,

was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet, a butcher's son, was

afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which

afterwards was marquess in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out

his gold in hundredweights."

The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet

well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be

shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his

shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we

cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than

many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the

peasants many noble talents perish for want of means to keep a lad at

his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a

musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered

great services to his general."

_Chap. xviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD

AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK

I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudged him not his

complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I

turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how

they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off

them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next

dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head.

And as I looked methought all trees I saw were but one tree, at whose

top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all

Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole

world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion

and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such

fair virtues, as by bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and

transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes:

"The holmoak by the wind beset and brought to ruin,

Breaks its own branches down and proves its own undoing.

By civil war within and brothers' deadly feud

All's topsy-turvy turned and misery hath ensued."

By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the

breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself

alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For

to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly

despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a

few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with weeping

eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would

lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which

my hermit had writ in his lifetime, and this was the content of it.

"Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith

out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present

troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all

times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to

the place which is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and

be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in

the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so

mayest thou stand firm. Farewell."

I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and

started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I

journeyed straight on for two whole days, and when night overtook me,

sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but

beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to

a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable

banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the

peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nördlingen,

had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf I

set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears

of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed

for a long time.

_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY

SIMPLICISSIMUS

When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook

myself to Gelnhausen, and there I found the gates open and partly

burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no

living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there

with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark

naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in

my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to

such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists

had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone

two-stones'-throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me

about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road

which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the

first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who

seized me and took me off to their guard-room.

Now must I first describe to the reader my wonderful dress at that

time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and

behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that

the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years

and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor

combed nor curled nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with

more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder,

or whatever they call the fools' work--and that so prettily that I

looked with my pale face underneath it, like a great white owl that is

about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was

accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had

the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to

my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a

coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was

now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which

more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by

side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still

represented. Over this decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the

hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and

had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about

with iron chains, most deftly disposed crosswise behind and before like

the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like

them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through

the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were

cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my

feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on stockings of the

Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I

believe if any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and had

given me out for a Samoyede or a Greenlander, he would have found many

a fool that would have wasted a kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in

his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my

decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower,

and still less had played truant from any great lord's court,

nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the

soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of

their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it

were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with

long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard

was so miserably handled and mutilated that between mouth and nose

there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one

could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in

no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like a woman's

petticoats as a man's breeches. So I thought, if this be a man he

should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he

pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round

her mouth? Sure 'tis a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever

let his beard be so lamentably bedevilled, seeing that even goats for

pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their

beards are clipped. So as I stood in doubt, knowing not of modern

fashions, at last I held he was man and woman at once. And this mannish

woman or this womanish man had me thoroughly searched, but could find

nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written

down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious

hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his

farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it,

fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good

Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool,"

he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And

therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving

them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at once did

note, could neither read nor write himself.

So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster

were on show; and according as each one regarded me so each made

something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man,

and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster, that should portend

some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere

fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the

knowledge of God our Father.

_Chap. xx._: IN WHAT WISE HE WAS SAVED FROM PRISON AND TORTURE

Now when I was brought before the Governor he asked me whence I came. I

said I knew not. Then said he again "Whither wilt thou?" and again I

answered, "I know not." "What the devil dost thou know, then?" says he,

"What is thy business?" I answered as before, I knew not. He asked,

"Where dost thou dwell?" and as I again answered I knew not, his

countenance was changed, I know not whether from anger or astonishment.

But inasmuch as every man is wont to suspect evil, and specially the

enemy being in the neighbourhood, having just, as above narrated,

captured Gelnhausen and therein put to shame a whole regiment of

dragoons, he agreed with them that held me for a traitor or a spy, and

ordered that I should be searched. But when he learned from the

soldiers of the watch that this was already done, and nothing more

found on me than the book there present which they delivered to him, he

read a line or two therein and asked who had given me the book. I

answered it was mine from the beginning: for I had made it and written

it. Then he asked, "Why upon birch-bark?" I answered, because the bark

of other trees was not fitted therefore. "Thou rascal," says he, "I ask

why thou didst not write on paper." "Oh!" I answered him, "we had none

in the wood." The governor asked, "Where, in what wood?" And again I

paid him in my old coin and said I did not know. Then the governor

turned to some of his officers that waited on him and said, "Either

this is an arch-rogue, or else a fool: and a fool he cannot be, that

can write so well." And as he spake, he turned over the leaves to shew

them my fine handwriting, and that so sharply that the hermit's letter

fell out: and this he had picked up, while I turned pale, for that I

held for my chiefest treasure and holy relic. That the Governor noted

and conceived yet greater suspicion of treason, specially when he had

opened and read the letter, "for," says he, "I surely know this hand

and know that it is written by an officer well known to me: yet can I

not remember by whom." Also the contents seemed to him strange and not

to be understood: for he said, "This is without doubt a concerted

language, which none other can understand save him to whom it is

imparted." Then asking me my name, when I said Simplicissimus, "Yes,

yes," says he, "thou art one of the right kidney. Away, away: put him

at once in irons, hand and foot."

So the two before-mentioned soldiers marched off with me to my bespoken

lodging, namely, the lock-up, and handed me over to the gaoler, which,

in accordance with his orders, adorned me with iron bands and chains on

hands and feet, as if I had not had enough to carry with those that I

had already bound round my body. Nor was this way of welcoming me

enough for the world, but there must come hangmen and their satellites,

with horrible instruments of torture, which made my wretched plight

truly grievous, though I could comfort myself with my innocence. "O!

God!" says I to myself, "how am I rightly served! To this end did

Simplicissimus run from the service of God into the world, that such a

misbirth of Christianity should receive the just reward which he hath

deserved for his wantonness! O, thou unhappy Simplicissimus, whither

hath thine ingratitude led thee! Lo, God hath hardly brought thee to

the knowledge of Him and into His service when thou, contrariwise, must

run off from His employ and turn thy back on Him. Couldest thou not go

on eating of acorns and beans as before, and so serving thy Creator?

Didst thou not know that thy faithful hermit and teacher had fled from

the world and chosen the wilderness? O stupid stock, thou didst leave

it in the hope to satisfy thy loose desire to see the world. And

behold, while thou thinkest to feed thine eyes, thou must in this maze

of dangers perish and be destroyed. Couldst thou not, unwise creature,

understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would never have

left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he had

hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal

salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of

the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou

hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee

with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to

follow thereafter." So I bewailed myself, and besought God for

forgiveness and commended my soul to Him. In the meanwhile we drew near

to the prison, and when my need was greatest then was God's help

nearest: for as I was surrounded by the hangman's mates, and stood

there before the gaol with a great multitude of folk to wait till it

was opened and I could be thrust in, lo, my good pastor, whose village

had so lately been plundered and burned, must also see what was toward

(himself being also under arrest). So as he looked out of window and

saw me, he cried loudly, "O Simplicissimus, is it thou?"

When this I heard and saw, I could not help myself, but must lift up

both hands to him and cry, "O father, father, father." So he asked what

had I done. I answered, I knew not: they had brought me there of a

certainty because I had deserted from the forest. But when he learned

from the bystanders that they took me for a spy, he begged they would

make a stay with me till he had explained my case to the Lord Governor,

for that would be of use for my deliverance and for his, and so would

hinder the Governor from dealing wrongfully with both of us, since he

knew me better than could any man.

_Chap. xxi._: HOW TREACHEROUS DAME FORTUNE CAST ON SIMPLICISSIMUS A

FRIENDLY GLANCE

So 'twas allowed him to go to the Governor, and a half-hour thereafter

I was fetched out likewise and put in the servitors' room, where were

already two tailors, a shoemaker with shoes, a haberdasher with

stockings and hats, and another with all manner of apparel, so that I

might forthwith be clothed. Then took they off my coat, chains and all,

and the hair-shirt, by which the tailors could take their measure

aright: next appeared a barber with his lather and his sweet-smelling

soaps, but even as he would exercise his art upon me came another order

which did grievously terrify me: for it ran, I should put on my old

clothes again. Yet 'twas not so ill meant as I feared: for there came

presently a painter with all his colours, namely vermilion and cinnabar

for my eyelids, indigo and ultramarine for my coral lips, gamboge and

ochre and yellow lead for my white teeth, which I was licking for sheer

hunger, and lamp-black and burnt umber for my golden hair, white lead

for my terrible eyes and every kind of paint for my weather-coloured

coat: also had he a whole handful of brushes. This fellow began to gaze

upon me, to take a sketch, to lay in a background and to hang his head

on one side, the better to compare his work exactly with my figure: now

he changed the eyes, now the hair, presently the nostrils; and, in a

word, all he had not at first done aright, till at length he had

executed a model true to nature; for a model Simplicissimus was. And

not till then might the barber whisk his razor over me: who twitched my

head this way and that and spent full an hour and a half over my hair:

and thereafter trimmed it in the fashion of that day: for I had hair

enough and to spare. After that he brought me to a bathroom and

cleansed my thin, starved body from more than three or four years'

dirt. And scarce was he ended when they brought me a white shirt, shoes

and stockings, together with a ruff or collar, and hat and feather.

Likewise the breeches were finely made and trimmed with gold lace; so

all that was wanted was the cloak, and upon that the tailors were at

work with all haste. Then came the cook with a strong broth and the

maid with a cup of drink: and there sat my lord Simplicissimus like a

young count, in the best of tempers. And I ate heartily though I knew

not what they would do with me: for as yet I had never heard of the

"condemned man's supper," and therefore the partaking of this glorious

first meal was to me so pleasant and sweet that I cannot sufficiently

express, declare, and boast of it to mankind; yea, hardly do I believe

I ever tasted greater pleasure in my life than then. So when the cloak

was ready I put it on, and in this new apparel shewed such an awkward

figure that it might seem one had dressed up a hedge-stake: for the

tailors had been ordered of intent to make the clothes too big for me,

in the hope I should presently put more flesh on, which, considering

the excellence of my feeding, seemed like to happen. But my forest

dress, together with the chains and all appurtenances, were conveyed

away to the museum, there to be added to other rare objects and

antiquities, and my portrait, of life size, was set hard by.

So after his supper, his lordship myself was put to bed in such a bed

as I had never seen or heard of in my dad's house or while I dwelt with

my hermit: yet did my belly so growl and grumble the whole night

through that I could not sleep, perchance for no other reason than that

it knew not yet what was good or because it wondered at the delightful

new foods which had been given to it: but for me, I lay there quiet

until the sweet sun shone bright again (for 'twas cold) and reflected

what strange adventures I had passed through in a few days, and how God

my Father had so truly helped me and brought me into so goodly an

heritage.

_Chap. xxiii._: WHO THE HERMIT WAS BY WHOM SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHERISHED

The same morning the Governor's chamberlain commanded me, I should go

to the before-mentioned pastor, and there learn what his lordship had

said to him in my affair. Likewise he sent an orderly to bring me to

him. Then the pastor took me into his library, and there he sat down

and bade me also sit down, and says he, "My good Simplicissimus, that

same hermit with whom thou didst dwell in the wood was not only the

Lord Governor's brother-in-law, but also his staunch supporter in war

and his chiefest friend. As it pleased the Governor to tell me, the

same from his youth up had never failed either in the bravery of an

heroical soldier nor in that godliness and piety which became the

holiest of men: which two virtues it is not usual to find united. Yet

his spiritual mind, coupled with adverse circumstances, so checked the

course of his earthly happiness that he rejected his nobility and

resigned certain fine estates in Scotland where he was born, and

despised such because all worldly affairs now seemed to him vain,

foolish, and contemptible. In a word, he hoped to exchange his earthly

eminence for a better glory to come, for his noble spirit had a disgust

at all temporal display, and all his thoughts and desires were set on

that poor miserable life wherein thou didst find him in the forest and

wherein thou didst bear him company till his death." "And in my

opinion," said the pastor, "he had been seduced thereto by his reading

of many popish books concerning the lives of the ancient eremites. Yet

will I not conceal from thee how he came into the Spessart, and, in

accord with his wish, into such a miserable hermit's life, that thou

mayest hereafter be able to tell others thereof: for the second night

after that bloody battle of Höchst was lost, he came alone and

unattended to my parsonage-house, even as I, my wife, and children were

fallen asleep, and that towards morning, for because of the noise all

over the country which both pursuers and pursued are wont to make in

such cases, we had been awake all the night before and half of this

present one. At first he knocked gently, and then sharply enough, till

he wakened me and my sleep-drunken folk: and when I at his request, and

after short exchange of words, which was on both sides full cautious,

had opened the door, I saw the cavalier dismount from his mettlesome

steed. His costly clothing was as thickly sprinkled with the blood of

his enemies as it was decked with gold and silver; and inasmuch as he

still held his drawn sword in his hand, fear and terror came upon me.

Yet when he sheathed his sword and shewed nothing but courtesy I must

wonder that so noble a gentleman should so humbly beg a poor village

pastor for shelter. And by reason of his handsome person and his noble

carriage I addressed myself to him as to the Count of Mansfield

himself: but said he, he could for this once be not only compared to

the Count of Mansfield in respect of ill fortune but even preferred

before him. Three things did he lament: first, the loss of his lady,

and her near her delivery, and then the loss of his battle; and last of

all, that he had not had the luck to die therein, as did other honest

soldiers, for the Evangelical cause. Then would I comfort him, but saw

that his noble heart needed no comfort: so I set before him what the

house afforded and bade them make for him a soldier's bed of clean

straw, for in no other would he lie though much he needed rest. The

next morning, the first thing he did was to give me his horse and his

money (of which he had with him no mean sum in gold), and did share

divers costly rings among my wife, children, and servants. This could I

not understand in him, seeing that soldiers be wont far rather to take

than to give: and therefore I had doubts whether to receive so great

presents, and gave as a pretext that I had not deserved so much from

him nor could again repay him: besides, said I, if folk saw such

riches, and specially the splendid horse, which could not be hid, in my

possession, many would conclude I had robbed or murdered him. But he

said I should live without care on that score, for he would protect me

from such danger with his own handwriting, yea, and he would desire to

carry away out of my parsonage not even his shirt, let alone his

clothes: and therewith he opened his design to become a hermit. I

fought against that with might and main, for methought such a plan

smacked of Popery, reminding him that he could serve the Gospel more

with his sword, but in vain: for he argued so long and stoutly with me

that at last I gave in and provided him with those books, pictures, and

furniture which thou didst find in his hut. Yet would he take nothing

in return for all that he had presented to me save only the coverlet of

wool, under which he had slept on the straw that night: and out of that

he had a coat made. And my wagon chains (those which he always wore)

must I exchange with him for a golden one whereon he wore his lady's

portrait, so that he kept for himself neither money nor money's worth.

Then my servant led him to the wildest part of the wood, and there

helped him to build his hut. And in what manner he there spent his

life, and with what help at times I did assist him, thou knowest as

well as I, yea, in part better.

"Now when lately the Battle of Nördlingen was lost and I, as thou

knowest, was clean stripped of all and also evilly handled, I fled

hither for safety; besides, I had here my chief possessions. And when

my ready money was about to fail me, I took three rings and the

before-mentioned chain, together with the portrait that I had from the

hermit, among which was his signet-ring, and took them to a Jew, to

turn them into money. But he, on account of their value and fine

workmanship, took them to the Governor to sell, who forthwith knew the

arms and portrait, and sent for me and asked where I had gotten such

treasures. So I told him the truth and shewed him the hermit's

handwriting or deed of gift, and narrated to him all his story; also

how he had lived and died in the wood. Such a tale he could not

believe, but put me under arrest, till he could better learn the truth;

and while he was at work sending out a party to take a survey of the

dwelling and to fetch thee hither, here I beheld thee brought to the

tower. Now seeing that the Governor hath no longer cause to doubt of my

story, and seeing that I can call to witness the place where the hermit

dwelt, and likewise thee and other living deponents, and most of all my

sexton, which so often admitted thee and him to the church before day,

and specially since the letter which he found in thy book of prayer

doth afford an excellent testimony not only of the truth, but of the

late hermit's holiness: therefore he will shew favour to me and thee

for the sake of his dear departed brother-in-law. And now hast thou

only to decide what thou wouldest he should do for thee. An thou wilt

study, he pays the cost: desirest thou to learn a trade, he will have

thee taught one: but if thou wilt stay with him he will hold thee as

his own child: for he said if even a dog came to him from his departed

brother-in-law he would cherish it." So I answered, 'twas all one to me

what the Lord Governor would do with me.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A PAGE: AND LIKEWISE, HOW THE

HERMIT'S WIFE WAS LOST

Now did the pastor keep me at his lodging till ten of the clock before

he would go with me to the Governor, to tell him of my resolve: for so

could he be his guest at dinner: for the Governor kept open house: 'tis

true Hanau was then blockaded, and with the common folk times were so

hard (especially with them that had fled for refuge to the fortress)

that some who seemed to themselves to be somewhat, were not ashamed to

pick up the frozen turnip-peelings in the streets, which the rich had

cast away. And my pastor was so lucky that he got to sit by the

Governor at the head of the table, while I waited on them with a plate

in my hand as the chamberlain taught me, to which business I was as

well fitted as an ass to play chess. Yet my pastor made good with his

tongue what the awkwardness of my person failed in. For he said I had

been reared in the wilderness, and had never dwelt among men, and

therefore must be excused, because I could not yet know how to carry

myself: yet the faithfulness I had shewn to the hermit and the hard

life I had endured with him were wonderful, and that alone deserved

that folk should not only have patience with my awkwardness but should

even put me before the finest young nobleman. Furthermore, he related

how the hermit had found all his joy in me because, as he often said, I

was so like in face to his dear lady, and that he had often marvelled

at my steadfastness and unchangeable will to remain with him, as also

at many other virtues which he praised in me. Lastly, he could not

enough declare with what earnest fervency the hermit had, just before

his death, commended me to him (the pastor) and had confessed he loved

me as his own child. This tickled my ears so much that methought I had

already received satisfaction enough for all I had endured with the

hermit.

Then the Governor asked, did not his late brother-in-law know he was

commandant of Hanau. "Yea, truly," answered the pastor, "for I told him

myself: but he listened as coldly (yet with a joyful face and a gentle

smile) as he had never known any Ramsay, so that even now when I think

thereupon, I must wonder at this man's resolution and firm purpose,

that he could bring his heart to this: not only to renounce the world

but even to put out of his mind his best friend, when he had him close

at hand."

Then were the Governor's eyes full of tears, who yet had no soft

woman's heart but was a brave and heroical soldier; and says he, "Had I

known he was yet alive and where he was to be found, I would have had

him fetched even against his will, that I might repay his kindnesses:

but since Fortune hath denied me that, I will in his place cherish his

Simplicissimus." And "Ah!" says he again, "the good cavalier had cause

enough to lament his wife, great with child as she was; for in the

pursuit she was captured by a party of Imperialist troopers, and that

too in the Spessart. Which when I heard, and knew not but that my

brother-in-law was slain at Höchst, at once I sent a trumpeter to the

enemy to ask for my sister and ransom her: yet got no more thereby than

to learn the said party of troopers had been scattered in the Spessart

by a few peasants, and that in that fight my sister had again been lost

to them, so that to this hour I know not what became of her." This and

the like made up the table-talk of the Governor and the pastor

regarding my hermit and his lady-wife: which pair were the more pitied

because they had enjoyed each other's love but a year. But as to me, I

became the Governor's page, and so fine a fellow that the people,

specially the peasants when I must announce them to my master, called

me the young lord already: though indeed one seldom sees a youngster

that hath been a lord, but oftentimes lords that have been youngsters.

_Chap. xxiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BLAMED THE WORLD AND SAW MANY IDOLS

THEREIN

Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear

conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with

the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I

had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man

commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I

being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God ever

before my eyes and most earnestly to live according to His holy will:

and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men's ways and

works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness.

Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and

the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the

contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His

disciples and followers! In place of the straightforward dealing which

every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides,

such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must

needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I

could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God's will: yet

could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a

thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into

grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, "Judge

not, that ye be not judged." Nevertheless there came into my mind the

words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians, where he saith:

"The works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: adultery,

fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness," and so on: "of the which I

tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which

do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." Then I thought:

every man doeth all these things openly: wherefore then should I not in

this matter conclude from the apostle's word that there shall be few

that are saved?

Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and

swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of

substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this

shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice

is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things,

their own godlessness and God's holy will, a mere jest. For example, I

heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished

would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: "It serves the

cowardly cuckold aright," says he, "to get a pair of horns from me: and

if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to

please the wife, and so to be revenged on them."

"O pitiful revenge!" says one honest heart that stood by, "by which a

man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of

adulterer and fornicator!"

"What! fornicator!" answered he, with a scornful laughter, "I am no

fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is

he that the sixth commandment[5] speaks of, where it forbids that any

man get into another's garden and nick the fruit before the owner." How

to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained

according to his devil's catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it

is said, "Thou shalt not steal." And of such words he used many, so

that I sighed within myself and thought, "O God-blaspheming sinner,

thou callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a

marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death."

And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer

though he was, "Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless

words than by thine act of adultery." So he answered me, "Thou rascal,

must I give thee a buffet or two?" Yea, and I believe I had received a

handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord.

So I held my peace, and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for

single folk to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded folk upon such as

were unwedded.

Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit's care, the way to

eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden

idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if any one had ever known the

true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any

other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was

unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought

I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked

how (in spite of this commandment) wellnigh every man had his special

idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some

had their god in their money-bags, upon which they put all their trust

and confidence: many a one had his idol at court, and trusted wholly

and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a

pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead

depended only on the April weather of a prince's smile: others found

their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that

they would themselves be demi-gods. Yet others had their gods in their

head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so

that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these

forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that

gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose

god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as

once the heathen did to Bacchus and Ceres, and when that god shewed

himself unkind or when human failings shewed themselves in him, these

miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their

life's prolongation in the apothecary's shop, wherefrom they were more

often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for

themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called by all manner

of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand

sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of

them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their

folly and become as great fools as were their suitors.

Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their

idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in

heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other

offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters,

powders, and the like daubs.

There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods:

for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had

health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their

windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would

well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one

man who for some years could never sleep by reason of his trade in

tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which

should be dedicate to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and

day a thousand sighs, for 'twas by that he made his way in life. Yet

what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke.

Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul's happiness and

the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which

stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of

tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and

certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next

world.

Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it

was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the

great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German:

the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have

died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him,

who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature

could answer nothing, and I wondered the more because I had never read

that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages

ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater.

I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine

curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an "Ecce Homo"

by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator

at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China,

whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape

like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this

gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said "Ecce Homo" he

said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of

more value: he would not lose it for a dozen such "Ecce Homos." So said

I, "Sir, is your heart like to your speech?" "Surely," said he. "Why

then," said I, "your heart's god is that one whose picture you do

confess with your mouth to be of most value." "Fool," says he, "'tis

the rarity I esteem." Whereto I replied, "Yet what can be rarer and

more worthy of wonder than that God's Son Himself suffered in the way

which this picture doth declare?"

_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND THE WORLD ALL STRANGE AND THE

WORLD FOUND HIM STRANGE LIKEWISE

Even as much as these and yet a greater number of idols were

worshipped, so much on the contrary was the majesty of the true God

despised: for as I never saw any desirous to keep His word and command,

so I saw contrariwise many that resisted him in all things and excelled

even the publicans in wickedness: which publicans were in the days when

Christ walked upon earth open sinners. And so saith Christ: "Love your

enemies; bless them that curse you. If ye do good only to your

brethren, what do ye that the publicans do not?" But I found not only

no one that would follow this command of Christ, but every man did the

clean opposite. "The more a man hath kindred the more a man is

hindered" was the word: and nowhere did I find more envy, hatred,

malice, quarrel, and dispute than between brothers, sisters, and other

born friends, specially if an inheritance fell to them. Moreover, the

handicraftsmen of every place hated one another, so that I could

plainly see, and must conclude, that in comparison the open sinners,

publicans and tax-gatherers, which by reason of their evil deeds were

hated by many, were far better than we Christians nowadays in exercise

of brotherly love: seeing that Christ bears testimony to them that at

least they did love one another. Then thought I, if we have no reward

because we love our enemies, how great must our punishment be if we

hate our friends! And where there should be the greatest love and good

faith, there I found the worst treachery and the strongest hatred. For

many a lord would fleece his true servants and subjects, and some

retainers would play the rogue against the best of lords. So too

between married folk I marked continual strife: many a tyrant treated

his wedded wife worse than his dog, and many a loose baggage held her

good husband but for a fool and an ass. So too, many currish lords and

masters cheated their industrious servants of their due pay and pinched

them both in food and drink: and contrariwise I saw many faithless

servitors which by theft or neglect brought their kind masters to ruin.

Tradesfolk and craftsmen did vie with each other in Jewish roguery:

exacted usury: sucked the sweat of the poor peasant's brow by all

manner of chicanery and over-reaching. On the other hand, there were

peasants so godless that if they were not thoroughly well and cruelly

fleeced, they would sneer at other folks or even their lords themselves

for their simplicity.

Once did I see a soldier give another a sore buffet; and I conceived he

that was smitten would turn the other cheek (for as yet I had been in

no quarrel), but there was I wrong, for the insulted one drew on him,

and dealt the offender a crack of the crown. So I cried at the top of

my voice, "Ah! friend, what dost thou?" "A coward must he be," says he,

"that would not avenge himself: devil take me but I will, or I care not

to live. What! he must be a knave that would let himself be so fobbed

off." And between these two antagonists the quarrel waxed greater, for

their backers on both sides, together with the bystanders, and any man

moreover that came by chance to the spot, were presently by the ears:

and there I heard men swear by God and their own souls, so lightly,

that I could not believe they held those souls for their dearest

treasure. But all this was but child's play: for they stayed not at

such children's curses but presently 'twas so: "Thunder, lightning,

hail: strike me, tear me, devil take me," and the like, and not one

thunder or lightning but a hundred thousand, "and snatch me away into

the air." Yea, and the blessed sacraments for them must have been not

seven but a hundred thousand, and there with so many "bloodies,"

"dammes," and "cursemes" that my poor hair stood on end thereat. Then

thought I of Christ's command wherein He saith, "Swear not, let your

speech be yea yea; and nay nay; for whatsoever is more is evil."

Now all this that I saw and heard I pondered in my heart: and at the

last I firmly concluded, these bullies were no Christians at all, and

therefore I sought for other company. And worst of all it did terrify

me when I heard some such swaggerers boast of their wickedness, sin,

shame, and vice. For again and again I heard them so do, yea, day by

day; and thus they would say: "'S blood, man, but we were foxed

yesterday: three times in the day was I blind drunk and three times did

vomit all." "My stars," says another, "how did we torment the rascal

peasants!" And "Hundred thousand devils!" says a third, "what sport did

we have with the women and maids!" And so on. "I cut him down as if

lightning had struck him." "I shot him--shot him so that he shewed the

whites of his eyes!" Or again: "I rode him down so cleverly, the devil

only could fetch him off," "I put such a stone in his way that he must

needs break his neck thereover."

Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than

that, I did hear and see sins done in God's name, which are much to be

grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practised by the soldiers,

when they would say, "Now in God's name let us forth on a foray," viz.,

to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn,

and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the

usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical "In God's name": and

therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip

honest folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a

house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one

would mount it saying, "In God's name, there comes the householder":

"and in the devil's name" says he also, and therewithal threw him down:

where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung

up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out,

and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways

would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me for a fool. Yea, I

was so often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent

that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep

silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that

all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would

look on the world's ways with Simplicissimus' eyes as I then beheld

them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses

in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile

'tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices

and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a

thorny path he and his likes do walk.

_Chap. xxvi._: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK

AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER

Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among

Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had

heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these

people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all,

with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I

might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor

answered: "Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to

call them otherwise." "O God," said I, "how can that be? for if I point

out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am

I but mocked and laughed at." "Marvel not at that," answered the

pastor; "I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the

time of Christ--yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from

the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like

question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be

fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary

thing and mere child's play compared with that which elsewhere,

secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and

is perpetrated in the world. Let not that vex thee! Thou wilt find few

Christians such as was the late Master Samuel."[6]

Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had

been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up

our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I

was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a

new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our

garrison, who also had beforetime served the emperor, knew one of the

prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his

for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: "Devil take thee! art still

alive, brother? 'S blood, 'tis surely the devil that brings us together

here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged."

Then answered the other: "Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take

thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I

should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched thee long

ago." And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of "God be

wi' you"). "Gallows' luck! Gallows' luck! to-morrow will we meet again,

and be nobly drunk together."

"Is not this a fine pious welcome?" said I to the pastor; "be not these

noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the

coming day? Who could know them for Christians or hearken to them

without amazement? If they so talk with one another for Christian love,

how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ's

flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them

in better pastures." "Yea," answered the pastor, "dear child, 'tis ever

so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might

as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the

perilous hatred of these godless fellows."

At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went

then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the

town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity,

and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing

that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to

harness.

_Chap. xxvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND

HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND

Now my lord's favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the

greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister

whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as

good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in

many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me

favour also, and especially my lord's secretary was well affected to

me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my

simpleness and ignorance: he was but now fresh from the University, and

therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times

gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many:

often would he convince me black was white or white black; so it came

about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in

nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he

answered 'twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it

he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine

raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he

fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so

small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had:

so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did

he name his inks), and the ink-horn was for this reason named an

ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how

could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers

in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such

business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife,

and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and

servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At

these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folk knew such arts.

"Surely," says he, "all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or

advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and

numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish

diligently in it, become rich lords thereby." Then said I, "In this

wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they

eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this

art." So he answered, "Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore

have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm

in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and

have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man

will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that

appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no

opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly."

Now as we reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth

reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of

dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me then, I

found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. "And

these," said I to the secretary, "be all Adam's children and of one

stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a

difference;--his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not

properties of God alone? Here is one called 'Gracious' and another

'Worshipful.' And why must this word 'born' noble or 'well born' be

ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out

of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages." The

secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me

this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that

the titles did not do men right: for sure 'twas more credit to a man to

be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word "noble"

signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed

in the midst of the word "high-born," which applieth only to princes,

impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word "well-born," why

'twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron's mother testify; for if

one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether 'twas

"well" with her when she brought him into the world.

And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of

the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish

and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved

myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must

bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his

disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet

greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that

cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause

against him.

For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had

already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was of

like age with myself. "And this is Jonathan," I thought, "and thou art

David."

But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord

shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I

should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with

malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a

stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine

eyes as doves' eyes[7] and my intent far different from his: nay, I

confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than

in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded

me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty,

followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be

duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes.

_Chap. xxviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S-HEAD

The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had

appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good

friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the

strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must

I, as at that time 'twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to

bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my

hand. The first day there was a big fat calf's-head (of which folk are

wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because

this calf's-head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his

whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a

charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth

and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my

mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes,

my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it

into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my

desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that

same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly

and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived

it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For

when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was

wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he

was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to

him he had served up a calf's-head with one eye. So the cook must

appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were

with him examined: and last of all it came out that 'twas to poor

Simplicissimus the calf's-head had last been entrusted, and that with

two eyes: how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord,

as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done

with the calf's eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave

the calf's-head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they

asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink.

"Pardieu," quoth my lord, "this trick savoureth better than ten

calves." And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying

and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a

wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift

resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick

for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment,

but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained

the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes

together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help

and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by

nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks.

_Chap. xxix._: HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND

FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK

At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came

to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all

appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they

had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a

Quakers' meeting. But hardly had each one said "God's blessing!" three

or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how

each one's voice grew louder and louder: I could but compare the whole

company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth

with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being

strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin,

that it may go the livelier, and likewise dessert, to give a flavour to

the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish

olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered

ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned

(and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients

and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different

from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius[8] himself,

though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of

cooks, yet had not recognised them. Then thought I: "Is't not like

enough that these things should disturb the senses of any man who can

take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially

appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows

if even Circe used any other means but these when she did change

Ulysses his companions into swine?" For I saw how these guests at one

time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then

carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers'

dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg

they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which

presently shewed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I

saw with wonder how all changed; for here were reputable folk, which

just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in

peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to

play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they

did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became

bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts

strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater:

but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. 'Twas not

wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch

as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself, were until now quite

unknown to me: and this left in my roguish remembrance thereafter all

manner of merry pranks and fantastic imaginings: their strange looks I

could see; but the cause of their condition I knew not. Indeed up till

then each one had emptied the pot with a good appetite: but when now

their bellies were full 'twas as hard with them as with a waggoner,

that can fare well enough with his team over level ground, yet up the

hill can scarcely toil. But though their heads were bemused, their want

of strength was made good: in one man's case by his courage, well

soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to drink yet one health to

his friend: in a third that German chivalry which must do his neighbour

right. But even such efforts must fail in the long run. Then would one

challenge another to pour the wine in in buckets to the health of the

princes or of dear friends or of a mistress. And at this many a one's

eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet still the

drinking must go on; yea, at the last they must make a noise with

drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordnance,

doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by

assault. Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I

knew not that they would turn out the same before 'twas well warm

within them (and that with great pains) out of the very place into

which they had just before poured it to the great danger of their

health.

At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other

men, he must retire for a while. So I followed him and "Pastor," said

I, "why do these folk behave so strangely? How comes it that they do

reel this way and that? Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their

senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear

devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to

swill. Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God's despite that they

of their free will waste all things so wantonly?"

"Dear child," answered the pastor, "when the wine is in the wit is out.

This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak

'twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have

already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry."

So I answered, "Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so

continually? Can, then, their souls, which are God's image, abide in

such fat hog's bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and

verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious

souls, I say, how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their

senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels

of unreasoning beasts?"

"Hold thou thy tongue," answered the pastor, "or thou mayest get thee a

sound thrashing: here 'tis no time to preach, or I could do it better

than thou." So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and

saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the

poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished,

before our gates in the shape of many hundred expelled peasants of the

Wetterau, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town

there was famine.

_Chap. xxx._: STILL TREATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO

BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT

So this gormandising went on as before, and I must wait on them as from

the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced

to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said

he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot

companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a

beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men. "For,"

says he, "a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and

quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to

drink wine at all. But 'tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink

profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers

did." "Yes, yes," says the pastor, "but for me 'tis proper to keep due

measure." "Right," says the other, "a man of honour must keep his

word": and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure,

and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone

and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.

So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and 'twas for

all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and

opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbour with drunkenness, to

bring him to shame, or to play him some scurvy trick: for when one of

them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand,

the cry was, "Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me:

now must thou drink the like"; and so on. But he that could last

longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to

himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about,

as they had drunk henbane. 'Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see

how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one

laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted

"Courage!" another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable:

another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was

silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him.

One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful

deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the

constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the

world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay

where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or

walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a

week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten

that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange and

mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the

lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups,

dishes, and plates at each other's heads and fought, not with fists

only, but with chairs and legs of chairs, yea, with swords and whatever

came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but

to that my lord presently put an end.

_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX

So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the

minstrels and the womenfolk, and away to another house wherein was a

great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord

throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from

over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and

sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs

whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught

could he say but "Simple!" So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn

in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I

before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he

pointed to the washstand and stammered out. "Bra-bra-bring me

that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a

fo-fo-fo-fox!"

So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could

come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me

quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin

right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievous retchings, and

such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted

away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some

fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but

when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright

and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold

sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man's.

But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with

that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.

Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I

should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a

silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my

lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and

asked what I should do with the fox. "Thou fool," says he, "go and take

it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith." So I asked where could I

find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. "Nay," says he, "take

it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord's state of

health is." And such an April fool's journey had I surely gone, but

that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me

therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids

should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith,

and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.

_Chap. xxxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE

Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed

him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies,

bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun

round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone

mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and

fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so

dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but

that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware

that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right

senses. "Good God," thought I, "what do these poor folk intend to do?

Surely madness is come upon them." Yet presently I thought these might

perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock

of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I

thought, had they human souls and God's image in them, sure they would

not act so unlike to men.

When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save

that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such

curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they

would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious

madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their

puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did

their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed

them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and

therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic

doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and

stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all

there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. "For

how," says he, "canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp

about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime?

Even so will they break in this floor." "Good heavens!" quoth I, "then

must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their

company?" "Yea," quoth my comrade, "'tis their purpose, and therefore

do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do

find themselves in danger of death each one seizes upon a fair lady or

maiden, for 'tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in

this way no grievous harm is wont to happen."

Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and

fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the

minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard,

and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their

ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his

partner by the hand, 'twas to me even as if I saw the floor already

a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when

they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played

just then a lively galop), then thought I, "Now is thy life at stake."

For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly

tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility

and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I

caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her like a

burr, but when she struggled, as not knowing what foolish fancies were

in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to

scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden:

the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady

to whose arm I still clung deemed herself grievously insulted; for she

fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon

commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up

somewhere, "for," said he, "'twas not the first trick I had played on

him that day." Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had

sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a

goose-pen under the staircase.