He succeeds in deceiving two of the faculty, getting a pill from one,
and a piece of gold from the other.
I inquired my way to the ambassadors house, and actually set off
with the intention of putting the doctors wishes into execution, and
getting, if possible, a writhing disorder on the road; but, upon
more mature reflection, I recollected that a stomach-ache was not a
marketable commodity which might be purchased at a moments notice; for
although lettuce and cucumber might disagree with an old grand vizier,
yet it was a hundred to one but they would find an easy digestion in
a young person like me. However, I determined to obtain the pill
by stratagem, if I could not procure it in a more direct manner. I
considered that if I feigned to be ill, the doctor would very probably
detect me, and turn me out of his house for a cheat, so I preferred the
easier mode of passing myself off for one of the servants of the royal
harem, and then making out some story by which I might attain my end.
I accordingly stepped into one of the old clothes shops in the bazaar,
and hired a cloak for myself, such as the scribes wear; and then
substituting a roll of paper in my girdle instead of a dagger, I
flattered myself that I might pass for something more than a common
servant.
I soon found out where the ambassador dwelt. Bearing in mind all that
Mirza Ahmak had told me, I rather approached the door of the doctors
residence with fear and hesitation. I found the avenues to it crowded
with poor women, bearing infants in their arms, who, I was told, came
to receive the new-fashioned preservative against the smallpox. This, it
was supposed for political reasons, the Franks were anxious to promote;
and, as the doctor performed the operation gratis, he had no lack of
patients, particularly of the poorer sort, who could not approach a
Persian doctor without a present, or a good fee in their hand.
On entering, I found a man seated in the middle of the room, near an
elevated wooden platform, upon which were piled boxes, books, and a
variety of instruments and utensils, the uses of which were unknown
to me. He was in dress and appearance the most extraordinary looking
infidel I had ever seen. His chin and upper lip were without the vestige
of a hair upon them, as like a eunuch as possible. He kept his head most
disrespectfully uncovered, and wore a tight bandage round his neck, with
other contrivances on the sides of his cheeks, as if he were anxious to
conceal some wound or disease. His clothes were fitted so tight to
his body, and his outward coat in particular was cut off at such sharp
angles, that it was evident cloth was a scarce and dear commodity in his
country. The lower part of his dress was particularly improper, and he
kept his boots on in his room, without any consideration for the carpet
he was treading upon, which struck me as a custom subversive of all
decorum.
I found that he talked our language; for, as soon as he saw me, he asked
me how I did, and then immediately remarked that it was a fine day,
which was so self-evident a truth, that I immediately agreed to it. I
then thought it necessary to make him some fine speeches, and flattered
him to the best of my abilities, informing him of the great reputation
he had already acquired in Persia; that Locman[35] was a fool when
compared to one of his wisdom; and that as for his contemporaries, the
Persian physicians, they were not fit to handle his pestle for him. To
all this he said nothing. I then told him that the king himself, having
heard of the wonderful effects of his medicine upon the person of his
grand vizier, had ordered his historian to insert the circumstance in
the annals of the empire, as one of the most extraordinary events of his
reign,--that a considerable sensation had been produced in his majestys
seraglio, for many of the ladies had immediately been taken ill, and
were longing to make a trial of his skill,--that the kings favourite
Georgian slave was, in fact, at this moment in great pain,--that I had
been deputed by the chief eunuch, owing to a special order from his
majesty, to procure medicine similar to that which the first minister
had taken--and I concluded my speech by requesting the doctor
immediately to furnish me with some.
He seemed to ponder over what I had told him; and, after reflecting a
short time, said that it was not his custom to administer medicine
to his patients without first seeing them, for by so doing he would
probably do more harm than good; but that if he found that the slave was
in want of his aid, he should be very happy to attend her.
I answered to this, that as to seeing the face of the Georgian slave,
that was totally out of the question, for no man ever was allowed that
liberty in Persia, excepting her husband. In cases of extreme necessity,
perhaps a doctor might be permitted to feel a womans pulse, but then it
must be done when a veil covers the hand.
To which the Frank replied, In order to judge of my patients case I
must not only feel the pulse, but see the tongue also.
Looking at the tongue is totally new in Persia, said I; and I am sure
you could never be indulged with such a sight in the seraglio, without
a special order from the king himself; a eunuch would rather cut out his
own tongue first.
Well, then, said the doctor, recollect, that if I deliver my medicine
to you, I do so without taking any responsibility upon myself for its
effects; for if it does not cure it may perhaps kill.
When I had assured him that no harm or prejudice could possibly accrue
to him, he opened a large chest, which appeared to be full of drugs, and
taking there from the smallest quantity of a certain white powder, he
mixed it up, with some bread, into the form of a pill, and putting
it into paper gave it me, with proper directions how it should be
administered. Seeing that he made no mystery of his knowledge, I began
to question him upon the nature and properties of this particular
medicine, and upon his practice in general. He answered me without any
reserve; not like our Persian doctors, who only make a parade of fine
words, and who adjust every ailment that comes before them to what they
read in their Galen, their Hippocrates, and their Abou Avicenna.
When I had learned all I could, I left him with great demonstration of
friendship and thankfulness, and immediately returned to Mirza Ahmak,
who doubtless was waiting for me with great impatience. Having divested
myself of my borrowed cloak and resumed my own dress, I appeared before
him with a face made up for the occasion, for I wished to make him
believe that the lettuce and cucumbers had done their duty. At every
word I pretended to receive a violent twitch, and acted my part so true
to life, that the stern and inflexible nature of Mirza Ahmak himself was
moved into somewhat like pity for me.
There! there, said I, as I entered his apartment, in the name of
Allah take your prize: and then pretending to be bent double, I made
the most horrid grimaces, and uttered deep groans: there! I have
followed your orders, and now throw myself upon your generosity. He
endeavoured to take the object of his search from me, but I kept it
fast; and whilst I gave him to understand that I expected prompt reward,
I made indications of an intention to swallow it, unless he actually
gave me something in hand. So fearful was he of not being able to answer
the kings interrogatories concerning the pill, so anxious to get it
into his possession, that he actually pressed a gold piece upon me. No
lover could sue his mistress with more earnestness to grant him a
favour than the doctor did me for my pill. I should very probably have
continued the deceit a little longer, and have endeavoured to extract
another piece from him; but when I saw him preparing a dose of his
own mixture to ease my pain, I thought it high time to finish, and
pretending all of a sudden to have received relief, I gave up my prize.
When once he had got possession, he looked at it with intense eagerness,
and turned it over and over on his palm, without appearing one whit more
advanced in his knowledge than before. At length, after permitting him
fully to exhaust his conjectures, I told him that the Frank doctor had
made no secret in saying that it was composed of _jivch_, or mercury.
Mercury, indeed! exclaimed Mirza Ahmak, just as if I did not know
that. And so, because this infidel, this dog of an _Isauvi_,[36]
chooses to poison us with mercury, I am to lose my reputation, and my
prescriptions (such as his father never even saw in a dream) are to be
turned into ridicule. Whoever heard of mercury as a medicine? Mercury is
cold, and lettuce and cucumber are cold also. You would not apply ice
to dissolve ice? The ass does not know the first rudiments of his
profession. No, Hajji, this will never do; we must not permit our beards
to be laughed at in this manner.
He continued to inveigh for a considerable time against his rival; and
would, no doubt, have continued to do so much longer, but he was stopped
by a message from the king, who ordered him to repair forthwith to his
presence. In the greatest trepidation he immediately put himself into
his court dress, exchanged his common black lambs skin cap for one
wound about with a shawl, huddled on his red cloth stockings, called for
his horse, and, taking the pill with him, went off in great hurry, and
full of the greatest apprehension at what might be the result of the
audience.