Hajji Baba gets into the service of the kings physician--Of the manner
he was first employed by him.
As soon as I appeared, the doctor invited me into the room, and
requested me to be seated; which I did with all the humility which is
the etiquette for an inferior to show towards his superior for so great
an honour. He informed me that the poet had spoken very favourably of
me, and had said that I was a person to be depended upon, particularly
on account of my discretion and prudence; that I had seen a great deal
of life; that I was fertile in expedients; and that if any business in
which circumspection and secrecy were necessary was intrusted to me, I
should conduct it with all the ability required. I bowed repeatedly as
he spoke, and kept my hands respectfully before me, covered with
the border of my sleeve, whilst I took care that my feet were also
completely hid. He then continued, and said,--I have occasion for a
person of your description precisely at this moment, and as I put great
confidence in the recommendation of my friend Asker, it is my intention
to make use of your good offices; and if you succeed according to my
expectations, you may rest assured that it will be well for you, and
that I shall not remain unmindful of your services.
Then requesting me to approach nearer to him, and in a low and
confidential tone of voice, he said, looking over his shoulders as if
afraid of being overheard,--Hajji, you must know that an ambassador
from the Franks is lately arrived at this court, in whose suite there
is a doctor. This infidel has already acquired considerable reputation
here. He treats his patients in a manner quite new to us, and has
arrived with a chest full of medicines, of which we do not even know the
names. He pretends to the knowledge of a great many things of which we
have never yet heard in Persia. He makes no distinction between hot and
cold diseases, and hot and cold remedies, as Galenus and Avicenna have
ordained, but gives mercury by way of a cooling medicine; stabs the
belly with a sharp instrument for wind in the stomach;[34] and, what is
worse than all, pretends to do away with the small-pox altogether, by
infusing into our nature a certain extract of cow, a discovery which one
of their philosophers has lately made. Now this will never do, Hajji.
The smallpox has always been a comfortable source of revenue to me; I
cannot afford to lose it, because an infidel chooses to come here and
treat us like cattle. We cannot allow him to take the bread out of our
mouths. But the reason why I particularly want your help proceeds from
the following cause. The grand vizier was taken ill, two days ago, of a
strange uneasiness, after having eaten more than his usual quantity of
raw lettuce and cucumber, steeped in vinegar and sugar. This came to the
Frank ambassadors ears, who, in fact, was present at the eating of the
lettuce, and he immediately sent his doctor to him, with a request that
he might be permitted to administer relief. The grand vizier and the
ambassador, it seems, had not been upon good terms for some time,
because the latter was very urgent that some demand of a political
nature might be conceded to him, which the vizier, out of consideration
for the interests of Persia, was obliged to deny; and, therefore,
thinking that this might be a good opportunity of conciliating the
infidel, and of coming to a compromise, he agreed to accept of the
doctors services. Had I been apprised of the circumstance in time,
I should easily have managed to put a stop to the proceeding; but the
doctor did not lose an instant in administering his medicine, which, I
hear, only consisted of one little white and tasteless pill. From all
accounts, and as ill luck would have it, the effect it has produced is
something quite marvellous. The grand vizier has received such relief
that he can talk of nothing else; he says, that he felt the pill
drawing the damp from the very tips of his fingers; and that now he
has discovered in himself such newness of strength and energy, that he
laughs at his old age, and even talks of making up the complement of
wives permitted to him by our blessed Prophet. But the mischief has not
stopped here; the fame of this medicine, and of the Frank doctor, has
gone throughout the court; and the first thing which the king talked
of at the _selam_ (the audience) this morning, was of its miraculous
properties. He called upon the grand vizier to repeat to him all that he
had before said upon the subject; and as he talked of the wonders
that it had produced upon his person, a general murmur of applause and
admiration was heard throughout the assembly. His majesty then turned to
me, and requested me to explain the reason why such great effects should
proceed from so small a cause, when I was obliged to answer, stooping as
low as I could to hide my confusion, and kissing the earth--I am your
sacrifice: O king of kings, I have not yet seen the drug which the
infidel doctor has given to your majestys servant, the grand vizier;
but as soon as I have, I will inform your majesty of what it consists.
In the meanwhile, your humble slave beseeches the Centre of the Universe
to recollect that the principal agent, on this occasion, must be an evil
spirit, an enemy to the true faith, since he is an instrument in the
hands of an infidel; of one who calls our holy Prophet a cheat, and who
disowns the all-powerful decrees of predestination.
Having said this, in order to shake his growing reputation, I retired
in deep cogitation how I might get at the secrets of the infidel, and
particularly inquire into the nature of his prescription, which has
performed such miracles; and you are come most opportunely to my
assistance. You must immediately become acquainted with him; and I shall
leave it to your address to pick his brain and worm his knowledge out of
him; but as I wish to procure a specimen of the very medicine which he
administered to the grand vizier, being obliged to give an account of it
to-morrow to the Shah, you must begin your services to me by eating much
of lettuce and raw cucumbers, and of making yourself as sick to the full
as his highness the vizier. You may then apply to the Frank, who will,
doubtless, give you a duplicate of the celebrated pill, which you will
deliver over to me.
But, said I, who had rather taken fright at this extraordinary
proposal, how shall I present myself before a man whom I do not know?
besides, such marvellous stories are related of the Europeans, that
I should be puzzled in what manner to behave: pray give me some
instructions how to act.
Their manners and customs are totally different to ours, that is true,
replied Mirza Ahmak, and you may form some idea of them, when I tell
you, that instead of shaving their heads, and letting their beards grow,
as we do, they do the very contrary, for not a vestige of hair is to
be seen on their chins, and their hair is as thick on their heads as
if they had made a vow never to cut it off: then they sit on little
platforms, whilst we squat on the ground; they take up their food with
claws made of iron, whilst we use our fingers; they are always walking
about, we keep seated; they wear tight clothes, we loose ones; they
write from left to right, we from right to left; they never pray, we
five times a day; in short, there is no end to what might be related of
them; but most certain it is, that they are the most filthy people on
the earth, for they hold nothing to be unclean; they eat all sorts of
animals, from a pig to a tortoise, without the least scruple, and that
without first cutting their throats; they will dissect a dead body,
without requiring any purification after it, and perform all the brute
functions of their nature, without ever thinking it necessary to go to
the hot bath, or even rubbing themselves with sand after them.
And is it true, said I, that they are so irascible, that if perchance
their word is doubted, and they are called liars, they will fight on
such an occasion till they die?
That is also said of them, answered the doctor; but the case has not
happened to me yet; however, I must warn you of one thing, which is,
that if they happen to admire anything you possess, you must not say
to them, as you would to one of us, It is a present to you, it is your
property, lest they should take you at your word and keep it, which
you know would be inconvenient, and not what you intended; but you must
endeavour as much as possible to speak what you think, for that is what
they like.
But then, if such is the case, said I, do not you think that the
Frank doctor will find me out with a lie in my mouth; pretending to be
sick when I am well; asking medicine from him for myself, when I want it
for another?
No, no, said the Mirza; you are to be sick, really sick, you know,
and then it will be no lie. Go, Hajji, my friend, said he, putting his
arm round my neck: go, eat your cucumbers immediately, and let me have
the pill by this evening. And then coaxing me, and preventing me from
making any further objections to his unexpected request, he gently
pushed me out of the room, and I left him, scarcely knowing whether to
laugh or to cry at the new posture which my affairs had taken. To sicken
without any stipulated reward was what I could not consent to do, so
I retraced my steps, with a determination of making a bargain with my
patron; but, when I got to the room, he was no longer there, having
apparently retreated into his harem; and, therefore, I was obliged to
proceed on my errand.
[Illustration: I pretended to receive a violent twitch. 13.jpg]