companion of catastrophes and calamities that she was married to a
Káim-makám[387] who had none of the will of mankind to womankind, at
all, at all. Now the wife was possessed of beauty and loveliness and she
misliked him for that he had no desire to carnal copulation, and there
was in the house a Syce-man who was dying for his love of her. But her
husband would never quit his quarters, and albeit her longing was that
the horse-keeper might possess her person and that she and he might lie
together, this was impossible to her. She abode perplext for some
sleight wherewith she might serve her mate, and presently she devised a
device and said to him, “O my lord, verily my mother is dead and ’tis my
wish to hie me and be present at her burial and receive visits of
condolence for her; and, if she have left aught by way of heritage, to
take it and then fare back to thee.” “Thou mayest go,” said he, and said
she, “I dread to fare abroad alone and unattended; nor am I able to
walk, my parent’s house being afar. Do thou cry out to the Syce that he
fetch me hither an ass and accompany me to the house of my mother,
wherein I shall lie some three nights after the fashion of folk.”
Hereupon he called to the horse-keeper and when he came before him,
ordered the man to bring an ass[388] and mount his mistress and hie with
her; and the fellow, hearing these words, was hugely delighted. So he
did as he was bidden, but instead of going to the house they twain, he
and she, repaired to a garden carrying with them a flask of wine and
disappeared for the whole day and made merry and took their
pleasure[389] until set of sun. Then the man brought up the ass and
mounting her thereon went to his own home, where the twain passed the
entire night sleeping in mutual embrace on each other’s bosoms, and took
their joyance and enjoyment until it was morning tide. Hereupon he arose
and did with her as before, leading her to the garden, and the two, Syce
and dame, ceased not to be after this fashion for three days solacing
themselves and making merry and tasting of love-liesse. On the fourth
day he said to her, “Do thou return with us to the house of the
Kaim-makam,” and said she, “No; not till we shall have spent together
three days more enjoying ourselves, I and thou, and making merry till
such time as I have had my full will of thee and thou thy full will of
me; and leave we yon preposterous pimp to lie stretched out, as do the
dogs,[390] enfolding his head between his two legs.” So the twain ceased
not amusing themselves and taking their joyance and enjoyment until they
had ended the six days, and on the seventh they wended their way home.
They found the Kaim-makam sitting beside a slave which was an old
negress; and quoth he, “You have disappeared for a long while!” and
quoth she, “Yes, until we had ended with the visits of condolence for
that my mother was known to foyson of the folk. But, O my lord, my
parent (Allah have ruth upon her!) hath left and bequeathed to me a
somewhat exceeding nice.” “What may that be?” asked he, and answered
she, “I will not tell thee aught thereof at this time, nor indeed until
we remain, I and thou, in privacy of night, when I will describe it unto
thee.”——And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent
and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
“How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would
relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to survive?” Now
when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-first Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other
than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching
of this our latter night!” She replied:——With love and good will! It
hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding,
lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and
worthy celebrating, that the woman said to her husband, “My mother hath
left and bequeathed to me somewhat, but I will not tell thee thereof
till the coming night when we twain shall be alone.” “’Tis well,” said
he; after which he continued to address himself, “Would Heaven I knew
what hath been left by the mother of our Harím!”[391] Now when darkness
came on and he and she had taken seats together, he asked her, “What may
be the legacy thy mother left?” and she answered, “O my lord, my mother
hath bequeathed to me her Coynte being loath that it be given to other
save myself and therefore I have brought it along with me.” Quoth he of
his stupidity (for he was like unto a cosset),[392] “Ho thou, solace me
with the sight of thy mother’s Coynte.” Hereupon she arose; and, doffing
all she had on her of dress until she was mother-naked, said to him, “O
my lord, I have stuck on my mother’s Coynte hard by and in continuation
of mine own cleft and so the twain of them have remained each adjoining
other between my hips.” He continued, “Let me see it;” so she stood up
before him and pointing to her parts, said, “This which faceth thee is
my coynte whereof thou art owner;” after which she raised her backside
and bowing her head groundwards showed the nether end of her slit
between the two swelling cheeks of her sit-upon, her seat of honour,
crying, “Look thou! this be the Coynte of my mother; but, O my lord,
’tis my wish that we wed it unto some good man and pleasant who is
faithful and true and not likely treason to do, for that the coynte of
my mother must abide by me and whoso shall intermarry therewith I also
must bow down to him whilst he shall have his will thereof.” Quoth the
Kaim-makam, “O sensible say! but we must seek and find for ourselves a
man who shall be agreeable and trustworthy,” presently adding, “O woman,
we will not give the Coynte of thy mother in marriage to some stranger
lest he trouble thee and trouble me also; so let us bestow this boon
upon our own Syce.” Replied the wife of her craft and cursedness,
“Haply, O my lord, the horsekeeper will befit us not;” yet the while she
had set her heart upon him. Rejoined the Kaim-makam her husband, “If so
it be that he have shown thee want of respect we will surely relieve him
of his lot.” But after so speaking he said a second time, “’Tis better
that we give the Coynte of thy mother to the Syce;” and she retorted,
“Well and good! but do thou oblige him that he keep strait watch upon
himself.” Hereat the man summoned his servant before him and said to
him, “Hear me, O Syce; verily the mother of my wife to her hath
bequeathed her Coynte, and ’tis our intent to bestow it upon thee in
lawful wedlock; yet beware lest thou draw near that which is our own
property.” The horsekeeper answered, “No, O my lord, I never will.” Now
after they arrived at that agreement concerning the matter in question,
whenever the wife waxed hot with heat of lust she would send for the
Syce and take him and repair with him, he and she, to a place of privacy
within the Harem, whilst her mate remained sitting thoroughly satisfied,
and they would enjoy themselves to the uttermost, after which the twain
would come forth together. And the Kaim-makam never ceased saying on
such occasions, “Beware, O Syce, lest thou poach upon that which is my
property;” and at such times the wife would exclaim, “By Allah, O my
lord, he is a true man and a trusty.” So they continued for a while[393]
in the enjoyment of their luxury and this was equally pleasurable to the
husband and wife and the lover. Now when the Emir heard this tale from
the Butcher, he began laughing until he fell upon his back and anon he
said to him, “Wend thy ways about thine own work;” so the Flesher went
forth from him not knowing what he should do in his garb of gaberdine
and bonnet. Hereupon the woman arose and going to the fourth closet
threw it open and summoned and led the Trader man by the hand and set
him before her husband who looked hard at him in his droll’s dress and
recognised him and was certified of him that he was his neighbour. So he
said, “Ho Such-an-one! Thou art our neighbour and never did we suspect
that thou wouldst strive to seduce our Harím;[394] nay rather did we
expect thee to keep watch and ward over us and fend off from us all
evil.[395] Now by Allah, those whom we have dismissed wrought us no foul
wrong even as thou wroughtest us in this affair; for thou at all events
art our neighbour. Thou deservest in this matter that I slay thee out of
hand, but Default cometh not save from the Defaulter; therefore I will
do thee no harm at all as did I with thy fellows even save that needs
must thou tell us a tale whereby to rejoice us.”[396] Quoth he, “Hearing
and obeying,” and herewith fell to relating the story of
THE WHORISH WIFE WHO VAUNTED HER VIRTUE.
It is related that once upon a time there was a man which was an
astronomer[397] and he had a wife who was singular in beauty and
loveliness. Now she was ever and aye boasting and saying to him, “O man,
there is not amongst womankind my peer in nobility[398] and chastity;”
and as often as she repeated this saying to him he would give credit to
her words and cry, “Walláhi, no man hath a wife like unto the lady my
wife for high caste and continence!” Now he was ever singing her praises
in every assembly; but one day of the days as he was sitting in a séance
of the great, who all were saying their says anent womankind and
feminine deeds and misdeeds, the man rose up and exclaimed, “Amongst
women there is none like my wife, for that she is pure of blood and
behaviour;” hereat one of those present said to him, “Thou liest, O
certain person!”——And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and
fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister
Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and how
enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with
that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me
to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-fourth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other
than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching
of this our latter night!” She replied:——With love and good will! It
hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding,
lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and
worthy celebrating, that while the man was singing the praises of his
spouse one of those present rose and said to him, “Walláhi, thou liest,
O certain person!” “Wherein do I lie?” quoth he, and quoth the other, “I
will teach thee and show thee manifestly whether thy wife be a lady or a
whore. Do thou rise up from amongst us and hie thee home and go thou in
to her and say:—O Woman, I am intent upon travelling to a certain place
and being absent for a matter of four days and after will return; so do
thou arise, O Woman, and bring me some bread and a mould of cheese by
way of viaticum. Then go thou forth from beside her and disappear for a
while; and presently returning home hide thee in a private place without
uttering a word.” Cried those present, “By Allah, indeed these words may
not be blamed.” Accordingly, the man went forth from them and fared till
he entered his house where he said, “O Woman, bring me something of
provision for a journey: my design is to travel and to be absent for a
space of four days or haply six.” Cried the wife, “O my lord, Thou art
about to desolate me nor can I on any wise bear parting from thee; and
if thou needs must journey do thou take me with thee.” Now when the man
heard these the words of his wife he said to himself, “By Allah, there
cannot be the fellow of my spouse amongst the sum of womankind,”
presently adding to her, “I shall be away from four to six days but do
thou keep watch and ward upon thyself and open not my door to anyone at
all.” Quoth she, “O Man, how canst thou quit me?[399] and indeed I
cannot suffer such separation.” Quoth he, “I shall not long be separated
from thee;” and so saying he fared forth from her and disappeared for
the space of an hour, after which he returned home softly walking and
hid himself in a place where none could see him. Now after the space of
two hours behold, a Costermonger[400] came into the house and she met
him and salam’d to him and said, “What hast thou brought for me?” “Two
lengths of sugar-cane,” said he, and said she, “Set them down in a
corner of the room.” Then he asked her, “Whither is thy husband gone?”
and she answered, “On a journey: may Allah never bring him back nor
write his name among the saved and our Lord deliver me from him as soon
as possible!” After this she embraced him and he embraced her and she
kissed him and he kissed her and enjoyed her favours till such time as
he had his will of her; after which he went his ways. When an hour had
passed a Poulterer[401] came to the house, whereupon she arose and
salam’d to him and said, “What hast thou brought me?” He answered, “A
pair of pigeon-poults;” so she cried, “Place them under yon
vessel.[402]” Then the man went up to the woman and he embraced her and
she embraced him and he tumbled[403] her and she tumbled him; after
which he had his will of her and presently he went off about his own
business. When two hours or so had gone by there came to her another man
which was a Gardener;[404] so she arose and met him with a meeting still
fairer than the first two and asked him, “What hast thou brought with
thee?” “A somewhat of pomegranates,” answered he; so she took them from
him and led him to a secret place where she left him and changed her
dress and adorned herself and perfumed herself and Kohl’d[405] her eyes.
After that she returned to the pomegranate-man and fell a-toying with
him and he toyed with her and she hugged him and he hugged her and at
last he rogered and had his wicked will of her and went his ways.
Hereupon the woman doffed her sumptuous dress and garbed herself in her
everyday garment. All this and the husband was looking on through the
chinks of the door behind which he was lurking and listening to whatso
befel, and when all was ended he went forth softly and waited awhile and
anon returned home. Hereupon the wife arose and her glance falling upon
her husband she noted him and accosted him and salam’d to him and said,
“Hast thou not been absent at all?” Said he, “O Woman, there befel me a
tale on the way which may not be written on any wise, save with foul
water upon disks of dung,[406] and indeed I have endured sore toil and
travel, and had not Allah (be He praised and exalted!) saved me
therefrom, I had never returned.” Quoth his wife, “What hath befallen
thee?”——And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent,
and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
“How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would
relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to survive?” Now
when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-fifth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other
than sleepy, finish for us thy tale, that we may cut short the watching
of this our latter night?” She replied:——With love and good will! It
hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding,
lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and
worthy celebrating, that the wife asked the husband saying, “What hath
befallen thee on thy way?” And he answered, “O Woman, when I went forth
the town and took the road, behold, a basilisk issued from his den and
coming to the highway stretched himself therealong, so I was unable to
step a single footstep; and indeed, O Woman, his length was that of yon
sugar cane, brought by the Costermonger and which thou placedst in the
corner. Also he had hair upon his head like the feathers of the
pigeon-poults presented to thee by the Poulterer-man, and which thou
hast set under the vessel; and lastly, O Woman, his head was like the
pomegranates which thou tookest from the Market Gardener[407] and
carriedst within the house.” Whenas the wife heard these words, she lost
command of herself and her right senses went wrong and she became
purblind and deaf, neither seeing nor hearing, because she was certified
that her spouse had sighted and eye-witnessed what she had wrought of
waywardness and frowardness. Then the man continued to her, “O Whore! O
Fornicatress, O Adulteress. How durst thou say to me, ’There is not
amongst womankind my better in nobility and purity?’ and this day I have
beheld with my own eyes what thy chastity may be. So do thou take thy
belongings and go forth from me and be off with thyself to thine own
folk.” And so saying he divorced her with the triple divorce and thrust
her forth the house. Now when the Emir heard the afore-told tale from
his neighbour, he rejoiced therein; this being was a notable wile of the
guiles of womankind which they are wont to work with man for “Verily
great is their craft.”[408] And presently he dismissed the fourth lover,
his neighbour, even as he had freed the other three, and never again did
such trouble befal him and his wife, or from Kazi or from any
other.[409] And to the same purport (quoth Shahrazad), to wit, the
slights and snares of the sex, they also tell the tale of
CŒLEBS THE DROLL AND HIS WIFE AND HER FOUR LOVERS.
There lived at the Court of a certain King a man wherewith he was wont
to jest and this droll was unmated. So one day of the days the Sultan
said to him, “O Man, thou art a bachelor, so suffer us to marry thee,”
and said the buffoon, “No, O King of the Age; allow me to remain in
single blessedness, for in womankind there is no rest and they work many
a wile, and indeed I fear lest haply we fall upon one who shall be of
the fornicatresses, the adulteresses.” Quoth the King, “There is no help
but that thou wed;” and quoth the Droll, “’Tis well, O King of the Age.”
Hereupon the Sultan sent to summon the Wazir and bade him betroth the
man to a woman of righteous conduct and come of decent folk. Now the
Minister had with him an old nurse, and he commanded her to find a match
for the Sultan’s Jester; whereupon she rose and went out from him and
engaged for the man a beautiful woman. And presently the marriage-tie
was tied between these twain and he went in unto the bride and she
tarried with him a while of time even half a year or may be seven
months. Now one day of the days the King’s Jester went forth his house
ere the dawn-prayer had been called on some business for the Sultan,
intending to return before rise of sun. Such was the case with him; but
as regards his wife, she had known when yet unmarried four men who to
her were the liefest of her companions and who, during the earlier days
of her wedding, had not been able to possess her. However, on the
morning when her husband fared forth from her before the call to
dawn-prayers, each and every of these four favoured lovers made up their
minds to visit their playmate. Now one of them was a Pieman[410] and the
second was an Herbalist,[411] the third was a Flesher and the fourth was
the Shaykh of the Pipers.[412] When the Droll went forth from his wife
behold, the Pieman came and rapped at the door, whereat she opened to
him and said, “Thou hast come betimes,” and said he, “I have minced the
meat and I desired to work it up when I found that the hour was too
early and that no one was in the market. So I said to myself:—Up with
thee and go to Such-and-such a woman.” “’Tis well,” quoth she; but when
they desired to make merry together, of a sudden the door was knocked;
so quoth he to her, “Who is this?” and quoth she to him, “I know not,
but do thou hie and hide thee in yonder closet.” He did her bidding,
whereupon she went forth and threw open the door when behold, it was the
Herbalist and she said to him, “This is a time betimes.” Said he, “By
Allah, I was nighting in the garden and I have brought these
sweet-scented herbs, and as the hour was over-early I said to myself:—Go
thou to Such-and-such a woman and make merry, thou and she, for a wee.”
So she let him in; but hardly had he settled himself in his seat when
suddenly the door was again rapped and he asked her, “Who is this?” and
she answered, “I know not, but do thou hie and hide thee in yonder
closet.” So he went in and found the Pieman there seated and said to
him, “What thing mayest thou be?”[413] and said the other, “I and thou
are each like other.” Meanwhile the woman had gone forth and opened the
door when behold, she was met by the Flesher whom she led within and
then said to him, “This is a time betimes.” Quoth he, “By Allah, I arose
from sleep and slaughtered a ram[414] and prepared the flesh for selling
when I found that the hour was over-early and said I to myself:—Take
thee a piece of mutton-flesh and go thou in to a certain person and
enjoy yourselves, thou and she, until the Bazar shall have opened.” But
hardly had he taken seat when came a fourth knock at the door, and as he
heard this he was wonderstruck; so she said to him, “Fear not, but hie
thee and hide thee within yonder closet.” Accordingly he went in and
found the Pieman and the Herbalist there sitting and he salam’d to the
twain who returned his salute; then he asked them, “What hath brought
you hither?” and they answered, “That which brought us brought also
thee.” He took seat with them while the woman went and threw open the
door and behold, she was met by her friend the Shaykh of the Pipers
belonging to the Sultan, so she brought him in and said to him, “Indeed
thy time is betimes.” Said he, “Walláhi, I went forth my home intending
to fare and prepare the band[415] in the Royal Palace when I found the
hour was over-early, so said I to myself:—Hie thee to a certain person
and make ye merry, thou and she, until the sun shall rise and thou art
bound to wend palacewards.” “’Tis well,” quoth she and seated him and
designed to take seat beside him when behold, came a rap at the door and
he cried, “Who is that?” and she replied, “Allah only is Omniscient, but
haply ’tis my husband.” So he was startled and afeard, and when she
whispered to him, “Up and enter yon closet,” he did her bidding and
found a-facing him therein the Pieman and the Herbalist and the Flesher
to whom he said, “Peace be upon you,” and when they returned his
greeting he asked them, “Ye, who brought you?” They answered him saying,
“That which brought us also brought thee.” After this he sat beside them
and the four remained seated in the closet and huddled together, whilst
each addressed himself saying, “What now wilt thou do?” Meanwhile the
woman suddenly went forth and opened the door when behold, it was her
mate the Droll who walked in and took seat; whereupon she asked him “And
thou, why hast thou come at such hour? ’tis not often thy wont to return
early from the King’s presence. Haply thou art unwell, for thy custom is
not to appear until near supper-tide and now thou hast forestalled our
meeting-time and hast returned a-morn. I suspect that he hath bespoken
thee concerning some matter of urgent matters that thou comest home at
this hour; but haply thou wilt finish off such business and hie thee
back to the Sultan.” Quoth he, “By Allah, O Woman, when I fared forth
hence and went to the King I found that he had many and important
affairs to settle, so he said:—Hie thee to thy home and abide therein,
nor return to me till after the third day.”——And Shahrazad was surprised
by the dawn of day and fell silent, and ceased saying her permitted say.
Then quoth her sister Dunyazad “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O
sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is
this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the
Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that
was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-eighth Night,