a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the
Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by
the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and
deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted
medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse
through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and
grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through
its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte
ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows,
and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering
hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond,
set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood,
and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot
and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is
wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables
are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its
henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in
the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the
dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze--here skulptors
hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and
here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist
ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense
and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the
spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl
Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock,
laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the
eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As
the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the
ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the
green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)
Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering.
None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white
male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full
deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh
Billings, Real Estate Agent.
LXX.
OUT WEST!
Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up
poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on.
When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church.
It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one
in his hand.
A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath.
It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger.
Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the
best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards.
In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one
man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov
sawdust; he put in an injine, and iz pumping out a 1000 bushel a da,
which he sells tew the Government, for hoss feed.
The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and
rale rode stok in the bundle.
LXXI.
SAYINS.
About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the
poor _suffer_ mizery, while the ritch hav tu _enjoy_ it.
"Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a
feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him.
Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing
awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for
damages.
Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God
kant help but smile on it.
There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that
is, the fust time I kissed a gal.
If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should
immegiatly repli, "10 per cent."
Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out
ov her will.
Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov
life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other.
The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in
Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the
ole yew three miles and a haf.
The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i
tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out.
LXXII.
A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.
I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond
feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the
good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew
git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts
tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more
clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi
kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew
create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu
whispering, which she could not dry up.
The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs.
Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin
started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs.
Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and tharefore, waz entitled
tew the fust heat. She waz a woman about 14 hands hi, and wore wollen
stockings. She ced she waz for home manafakter and waz agin awl luxury
excep a nu shawl, and that she must hav. She ced she waz willing tew
giv up silk, but she must hav 1 more nu shawl if it bust her.
She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what
folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew
go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor
people had ov hankering after imported goods.
Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with
breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her;
sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress,
and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling,
which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul
good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the
chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported
as follows:
_Whereas_, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury
from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them.
_Resolved_, that we are down on silks and shawls.
_Resolved_, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness.
_Resolved_, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week
in the _Billingsville Weekly_, and that our husbands foot the bills or
we foot them--the bills.
_Resolved_, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land,
tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns.
After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting
broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday.... Ov course no
male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the
resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks.
LXXIII.
A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.
In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders
resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast
a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as
ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov
religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter,
besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the
town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each
week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit
was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov
the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla
number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss
looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the
menny who ware waiting tew be babtized, Sturgiss diskovered sevral
whom he had convikted, and whom he expekted tew add tew his flok on the
cumming saturda. The nex da the two elders met, Sturgiss charged Gaffit
with the pious fraud he had detekted bi the side ov the little pond.
Gaffit's eyes puckered with delite, as he listened tew the charge,
then seezin the methodis elder bi the hand with an extra pucker in his
eye, whispered: "Brother Sturgiss, mi father larnt me when i was but a
little fisher-boy, tew string mi fish as fast as i ketched 'em."
LXXIV.
AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.
I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2
children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a
tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the
Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop,
is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the
choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here,
tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern
keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the
boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything
yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me
so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe
ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd
one ov the ladys sa, "i was an English Lord, she had saw me at Nuport
laste seson." I shall sta here as long as i can injuce mi females tu
remain. This is the place where the congriss water cums from; tha dip
it up out ov a hole in the ground, with a roof over it, you can drink 4
or 5 tumblers ov it tu onst, without swallering; it tastes a good deal
like sumthing i never tasted before, and it operates on the inwards
for all the world, just like pills. It dus look so funny tu see 8 or 9
hundred mails, and femails, all taking fisick tu once; 'tis a pensiv
sight! The town kontains about 6 thousand folks, and about as menny
more individuals; the individuals spend their time going up and down
the back stairs and taking fisick. The natur ov the sile around here
is sandy, and pine trees, about half and half. Thare is a rase course
here, built in a sircile, whare tha make hosses go round and round;
tis delitesum tu behold! Three miles out east of the village tha hav
built a fashionable pond; evrybody goes thare tu spend their munny; tha
ask 8 cents a glass for their whiska! The sosietah here is permiskus,
blaklegs and deakons, divines and pugerlistics, judges and jockeys,
congressmen and harlots, devils and Quakers, so judciously mixed up,
'tis food for the filosopick mind. A grate menny young wimmin are
brought here annually tu git married; the kourting is all did by the
mothers, in fac the wimmin du it all here excep pay the bills. A man
at Saratoger don't hav enny more tu sa, or du, than an old gander dus
when a goose is setting. The citizens ov this place hav onla one kind
ov religion or pollyticks, and that is congriss water. I kant rite enny
more just now, i hav got tu go down stairs.
Aju, JOSH BILLINGS.
LXXV.
SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.
We beleaf in ardent spirits--sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and
patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits--sich az fast hosses, vigerous
cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76--sich
az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We
beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal--sich az
temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We
beleaf in the spirits of just men--but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf
in the spirit ov revenge--if a muskeeter bites you without provocation,
kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the
spirit ov forgiveness--if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him
forgiv the det.
LXXVI.
JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN".
_Dear Doktor Hirsute_:--I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader,"
also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I
express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov
purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall
hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this
morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses
tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on
bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed
a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than
5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry
day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz
one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and
haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I
would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov
the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov
the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze
from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew
an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi
the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up
wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields,
away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for
our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the
head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate
after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor,
you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a kind ov vegatable
trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought
in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks,"
although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the
tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan
git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv
you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just
now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk,
pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients,
but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these
without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter,
that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka
Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld,
az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists,
far and near.
Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent
truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav
got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter,
with a broad whiskee basis.
N. B.--Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi prise ov material,
and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50
Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send
"Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.
P. S.--Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary
tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let
it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
Yures quietly,
JOSH BILLINGS.
LXXVII.
PROVERBS.
He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that
sutes him.
It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew _want_ a dimond ring, as tew
_want_ a shirt.
The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.
I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.
Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.
Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.
Wimmin _luv_ their hustbands, but tha _worship_ their bonnets.
The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the
result is no philozopher.
I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never
committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty,
for they wont kno when they git to heaven.
Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal
argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.
Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the
devel tha act.
Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.
I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant
sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.
True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a
keen affectashun ov what iz rong.
"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend
what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?
If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew
hear about sich things.
A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.
Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry
good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.
Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule
cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.
LXXVIII.
DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.
Tew sarve up cowcumbers--pick them when the dew is on them, pare them
neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts,
pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then--raze up the
window carefully, and throw them out.
Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa--steal them bi moonlite, and
eat them in the next lot.
Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream
over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell
yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov
the--rebbels.
Tew remove goose pimples--skin the goose.
[Illustration: Women's Rights Convention--Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the
chair.--_See page 200._]
Tew kure hams--bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.
Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go--travel that wa yourself.
LXXIX.
FAKS.
Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:
That onions are _good_ for a _bad_ breth.
That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.
That ships are kalled _she_ bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the
_lookout_.
That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at
least, 300 per cent.
That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in
the morning.
That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he
likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he
hollers glory halleluyer!
That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.
LXXX.
ON LECTURES.
Dec. 9, 1864
I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing
bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy
time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry
fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler.
The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from
private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond.
Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for
a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the
limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur--Enklozed, pleze find 20
dollars--if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."
I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting
so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25
dollars. Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew
be witty.
I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly
tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.--I also reseaved 2 letters bi to
daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable
collums.--One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name
"Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."
_Hennery_:--The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I
kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest.
It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as
well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare
aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than
one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut
disseaze,--thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this
melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen,
but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The
one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs
packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down,
will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh
beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be
awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with
yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and--take it in egg.
_Mirakle_:--Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that
swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully
understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale
tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the
mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety;
but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder
on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for
salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.
LXXX.
YANKEE NOSHUNS.
The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.
The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.
The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.
The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny
body but themselfs.
The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him
do az yu think.
The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled,
but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.
The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it,
and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.
The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from
spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once
gits luce.
LXXXII.
ATTENTION! SQUAD!
Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi
earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a
heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way
from the sun--how fass a comet travels--the best time that lightning
can make--when the stars visit, and how long they are about it--the
fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea--the flite ov a
swallow--the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They
kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to
reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i
hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain,
tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the
earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well
in the dark, as in the light--knows no law ov gravitashun, nor ov
heat, or cold--is not traceable, or definable--has no parentage, and
frequently no objek--is not matter, nor an essence--may fly in the
glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger--is the pet ov
almost evry one--can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate
pashuns, plead in vain--is everywhare in an instant--feeds upon nothing
but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than
the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought--steals into the
sakred pulpit--at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth
in her cheeks--hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta--cums
in a whisper--is misterious as an echo--will betray for a prise--has
made kings tremble--has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven
modesta shreeking away--is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness,
and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed?
Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious
falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the
common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not
help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!
[Illustration: Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political
lecture.--_See page 219._]
LXXXIII.
THE FUST BABY.