pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he
was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as
it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for
a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak
pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on
arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus
communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru
to natur, tuk the chance--he was about 59 years old, was very lite in
the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had
one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the
first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers:--"Wafarin
man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had enny intrest
in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by the fire that takes awa the
spiritoal dross, and had yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin
bars of yur body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu haint, read
and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains, will permoate thru the
resesses of yur hart, like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the
loose roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa." As he cum to a
stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller looks, that a tom kat gives
tu the mouse, as it lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken
bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle bags, a trak of
four pages, and give it tu me, with (if I ma be aloud the expresshun)
a angelik tenderness, and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my
hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun of his hine fete.
I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose the trak, an hoped to find the
ile, and silver, he spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened
the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills, with a full kount,
and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced as follers, "respected kolportur,
allou me tu disiprookate, by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box,
of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh Billings (late of
this tioga keounty,) who now stans befoor yu. These pills are friendla
tu the innards of enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu
take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as thoro as a sarch
warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax
similer of the author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions,
and summed up as follers, "docter Billings, the perfeshun which you hav
chose, is wone ov the most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain,
it speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa on errants of
soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose only falt, or rather misfortin
is a paneful saddil gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up
from mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting tu da ma bee
the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry what shal i du tu bee saved."
At the kloze ov this speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of
antydiluvions agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that the
kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu the konklusion that i
wud just feal of his stile in that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised
his hoss i went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i had
struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never had at one time enny
more sed in its praze, than the kolporter let of in favor ov his old
hoss. Not edzackly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed,
i thout i wud look the kritter over, and; jumpin out ov my waggin,
fur that purpis, soon found out that the trak pedler was after Jonas,
insted of me. After i had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the
kase, i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings family
are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, "that the kolporter was a dam
hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss a dam old pelter." This suddint bust
of centiment on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar,
and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i had told him, that his
prain and my swarin, was oph of the same peace, an neather ov us ment
any thing we sed, we parted,--the kolporter to save soals, and swap
hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a box, the antidiluvion
pills, as saif as rute beer, and as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin."
LVIII.
PHOTOGRAPHS.
Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on
the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send
yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1--Photograffs are
gitting skase. 2--If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able
to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3--I am a
marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov
any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter,
will be painfully redused. 4--It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should
eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having
hiz fotograff taken. 5--A grate menny folks, jist now at this time,
are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu
in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so
far rekovered, that he iz able to sit up and laff at others, who are
trieing to ketch the same disorder. 6--I resembel this pictur, and that
ken be ced ov so few things in this wurld, that i thought noboddy would
git mad and call me a verry d--n fule, for sirkulating the pictur.
7--The artiss said I was hard tew take, and this pictur was a triumph
ov the art; he alzo added that some ware so eazy tew take that it was
actooally dangerous tew leave ennything in their reach. These reasons
must be mi excuse for sending yu my pictur; if it don't look as yu
expekted i did, jist let me kno, and i will have one taken that duz.
Verry highly i remane yures,
JOSH BILLINGS.
[Illustration: Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby once more,
arrives at the depot just too late to catch the Express train (?)--_See
page 156._]
LIX.
AFFERISIMS.
I suppoze the reazon why wimmin are so fast talkers, is bekause tha
dont hav tew stop tew spit on their hands.
After Joseph's bretheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov menny cullers,
what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him!
Thare is nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so
mutch, as tew fall in luv, it makes him fluent as a tin whissell, as
limber as a boy's watch chain, and as perlite as a dansing master; his
harte is as full ov sunshine as a hay field, and there aint any more
guile in him than there is in a stik ov merlasses candy.
Thare dont seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare
is one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew get tew
heaven, and that is tha cant git enny further.
He who kan hold awl he gits, kan most generally git more.
Conshense, is onla another name for truth.
Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by his clothes, but yu kan bi his
finger nails.
Adam invented "_Luv at first sight_," one ov the gratest laber saving
masheens the world ever saw.
It is a grave question whether, in curtailing super-fluitys in these
hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save
the expense ov boarding it.
Are Greenbacks a lawful tender? If yu dont believe it tri one on me,
espeshila one ov the heavy ones.
Dont never parade yure good luck, nor yure bad luck before men, the
first will make them think less ov _yu_, and the second will make them
think more of _themselves_.
Thare are a grate multitude ov individuals who are like blind mules,
anxious enough to kick, but kant tell whare.
I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be
a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte
is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.
LX.
JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.
I du consider musketers,
The moste pesky, ov all God's creeters.
I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the
slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet
sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and
behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and
tore.
When muskeeters whisper in yure ear,
The devils angels are hovring near.
I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov
me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south
side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep,
az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i have a faint
idee that this laste sentense, for lovlaness, kant be beat, handy.) I
dreamed a good-sized, hot dream.
It felt like the breth ov a kanada Thissell,
A round mi hed, a triing tu Whissell
Suddenly i awoke.
The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly
akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked,
one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest,
in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the
rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone,
clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I
dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up
under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired,
And hit the spot,
Whare the little grey cuss had sot.
Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch.
LXI.
THINGS THAT SUIT ME.
I like an aimabel man, (not one who will let yu spit on him,) but one
who don't want tew spit on enny boddy else.
I like a stirring man, (not one who stirs up musses,) but one who haz
got sumthing tew dew and duz it.
I like a good looking man, (not a pretty man), but one who looks
well--into things, one whom yu can't phule with a mare's nest, unless
he sees the old mare on it.
I like a gritty man, (not a dirty one), but one that pitches in like a
frog oph from a saw log, no matter how deep the water iz.
I like a fass hoss, (one that goes fass bekauze he luvs tew), sich a
critter iz half human; he never ought to be hitched tew a plough, he
ought tew be took out ov hiz stable az a wild pigeon had out of hiz
cage, and let him--go.
I like a rat tarrier with hiz hair awl combed forward, hiz eyes on
fire, hiz tale straight out stiff, evry muscle alive, and the entire
dorg only 3 feet off from a rat hole.
I like a woman, (handsum if it iz convenient,) with more wisdum than
larning, chaste, but not frozen, soft, but not silly, and fond, but not
fussy, sich wimmin are skase, and are going tew be skaser.
I like religion, (the kind that wurks 6 days and rests on the 7,) which
acks on a man's soul, az congriss water duz on hiz boddy, phesicks him
well, but dont make him enny weaker.
I like good order--good morals--good frends--and awl things well dun,
except beefsteak, and that I want rare dun.
LXII.
MY FUST GONG.
I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I
ever herd--i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty
ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the
heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall
with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was
perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i
used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole
was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually
grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar
times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when
he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands
with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove,
(this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill)
just az i was duing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller,
crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare, rally, dummer,
dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter
ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther,
i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a
band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte
swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a
string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had
fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. i
was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord
cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the
bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went
slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw
the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav
black or green tea and i ced i would.
LXIII.
PROVERBS.
Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser.
Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin
see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever.
The _burden_ ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself.
Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus
konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue."
The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav
got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced
before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.)
Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty.
"The _flour_ ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun.
If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one
ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz
the queen ov the vartues.
Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and
in order.
I never beleaved mutch in _spirits_ unless tha kum direk from Jamaka,
and then onla in small-sized ones.
"Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with
this kalamitee.
It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it.
Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's
figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally, if she has got $40,000, the
figger is about as near rite as yu wil git it.
"Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting.
Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a
daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better.
I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder
if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills?
LXIV.
DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING--IN 2 PARTS.
_Part Fust_--I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun.
A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze
tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov
barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla,
the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he
wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov
ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse
he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world
that did'nt want mutch disiplin--Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper,
and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav
spilt them--tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis.
Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov
disiplin--the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin.
_Part Seckunt._--Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment,
and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern
konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a
climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into
the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the
brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in
the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser
had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded
with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning
together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund
kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk
clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the
cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed.
"Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine
sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer,
"_if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him.
Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing._"
LXV.
CORRESPONDENTS.
_Olivia_--I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward
has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail
society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun,
than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The
produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but
it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich
az pitching cents and sliding down hill.
_Scipio_--If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss
(off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a
spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in
cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I
would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on
bran bred and slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense
me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the proceeds in pattent
medisin, and take the whole lot in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew
influense me, I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the water
brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which, and take a job ov
thrashing out wet rye for evry tenth bushel, and git--well.
_Clarence_--We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact
iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.
_Matty_--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you
should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick
tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor
fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind,
looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half
scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont
think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own
course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me
long courtships and engagements.
_Stujent_--We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the
package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik
us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear
friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the
hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went
out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
LXVI.
JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.
It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it
dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate
modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this
fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival,
i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "_Union_ now and
forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun--"Dignatum hok
hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and
is one ov mi faverite quotashuns.
The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly
renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like
affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the
privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will
be impossible for me, my amiable friends, tu give yu ennything like
a well digested orashun, ov the eckstatick wonders that hover around
me, among which i am permitted tu menshun the pensiv modesta ov the
unmarried; the gushing rapture ov the married; the shadowy tenderness
ov the widders, and the universal fisick that fills up the pauzes.
Theze are subjecks which hav bin writ onto so much that all the good
things haz bin said.
It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty,
and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the
fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare
iz dekon L----, and Elder P----, for instanze, with whom i take a drink
evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral
years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll
bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It
iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage
hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't
hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here
who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and
kalls me "her dark komplekted one!"--Tha hav got here alreddy tu or
three billyard tabils in suckcessful operrashun, and i am told that, if
pease iz declared, nex season tha intend tu start a 10-pin allee.
Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing
or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be
kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that
pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble
in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee.
Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end
tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out
about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in
a kind ov burleskish wa tu the _dinner_-bell. But, after all, Solomon
gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and
vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi.
JOSH BILLINGS.
LXVII.
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is
bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs,
he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite
often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns,
tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on
the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing,
and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a
pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass,
troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a
district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from
tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend
ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a
week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she
has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them--the rest
stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting
a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought
the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew
feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and
he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he
had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i
wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, giv me
a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed
with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a
shanghi!
LXVIII.
IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN?
EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS.
_Fustly_--I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good
may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it?
Ha!
_Sekundly_--I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov
sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a
sin mutch.
_Thirdly_--I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but
we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and
righteousness aint no sin.
_Fourthly_--I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's
tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the
dog for ketching rats, duz it?
_Fifthly_ and _lastly_, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make
the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled
into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen,
wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side.
_Moral._--Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the
Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too.
[Illustration: "Not enny Shanghi for me, not enny."--_See page 189._]
LXIX.
ADVERTIZEMENT.