the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down
tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be
a budget ov mutch joy--an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some
cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours--to
wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you--to sarch out
the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the
survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you--tew
pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in
yure nest--tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys--a
feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more
luvly than when she was wooed--tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and
tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something
new about "Willie"-tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes
a prayer on yure lips--tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov
sparkling plezzure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the
fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends,
and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure--tiz this that makes the
fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak
that life takes--tew see the sunshine and shower--tew plead for the
best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder when sikness steals on, and
tew be chastened when death comes--tiz this--oh! tiz this that makes
the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
LXXXIV.
LAUGHING.
Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov
it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so
close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for
dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are
some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything
but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who
laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale.
Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum
laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school
ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that
are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake,--that
cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger, drawed
out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind ov laffs haz no more cumfert
in it than the--stummuk ake haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it,
az though yu waz being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov
soap, or klergy. Men who never laff may have good hearts, but they are
deep seated,--like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from
below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler,
this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit
ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better
than none,--but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust,
to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his
cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the
korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov
buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued
sparks,--then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew
watch agin for its prey,--this it is the kind ov laff that i luv, and
aint afrade
LXXXV.
PIONEERS.
God bless the pironeers--the whole ov them--inkluding the man who fust
rode a mule. Hiz name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long az
black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin good stickers, sum ov
the best clothes-pins the world ever saw, cum from this familee....
I remember olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he started tew
discover, "out west," 40 years ago, hiz property was a wife, with the
side ake, 2 galls, just busting thru their clothes into womanhood,
2 boys, who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the smell, a
one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle, he squat at Rock River,
in the Illinoise, for 6 months, and then moved on more westly, the
last that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz wagging, just
doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.... And thare waz Beltrigging,
who fust diskovered the tempranse question, he had bin a suckcessful
rumdrinker, and seller for 36 years, and had retired with a pile, he
diskovered kold water one day, on the back side ov hiz farm, digging
out foxes; he lektured nex day, in a 7-day babtiss church, and told
his xperiense; he made 13 hundred dollars lekturing, and died 9 years
afterwards, in grate agony, having drank 4 drops ov french brandee, on
a lump ov brown sugar bi mistake. He begot Springwater, and Springwater
begot Rainwater, and Rainwater begot Dewdrop, and Dewdrop begot
Morning-Mist, awl ov them selebrated tempranse lekturers.... And there
waz Solomon Saw-dust, the author ov bran-bred, and nailrod-soup; he waz
a champion ov lite weights; he fit the dispepshee in aul its forms; he
lived for 18 months, at one heat, on the smell ov a red herring, and
gained 9 pounds in wind. He had menny admirers and immitaturs the moste
grate ov which was Wet Pack and Water Kure.... And there waz Mehitable
Saffron, the virgin-hero ov wimmins' rights; i herd her fust orashun,
in the town hall; she spoke without notes, at arms' length. She ced,
"woman had a destiny that man kouldn't fill for her, and az for her,
she could go it alone, she didn't want no he-creeter around her, she
had on a pair of kowhide pegged boots, and closed up bi holding hi in
the air, a pair ov corduroy breeches, which she swore bi the good olde
Mozes, waz awl enny man had to brag ov".... She waz the first pironeer
in the corduroy britches business, she died celibate, and haz had menny
followers amung her sexes, but none that had the jism she had.... And
then thare waz Old Perpetual; he got crazee at last, but not till he
had invented a pitch-pine dog, with a bass-wood tail, that would bark
and chase every wagging that cum along, clean down to the bridge over
bean kreek. He got out a patent for a sorrel horse, and a nu milch cow,
and lived till he was 90 years olde, and then died from a kold he had
caught, down seller, trieing tew make soft sope, out ov bull's liver.
On hiz grave stun waz these affekting paragraph: "State, and county
rights for sale, enquire ov ---- the widder."
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End of Project Gutenberg's Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, by Henry Wheeler Shaw