juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i
went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and
lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a
fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I
made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit,
amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this
likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew
convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy--for civilizashun.
The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which
iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel
ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more
fleas tew the aker without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum
consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the
water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from
fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the
fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it,
tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns
at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and
az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz
munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry
fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on
mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral
diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in
this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry
pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the
natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov
the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the
guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers
did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if
hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trotting fast,
then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz
for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when
it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about
az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer.
You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at
Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern
confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the
southren confederasy had bin _recognized_, for more than 3 years, bi
awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things
cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov
poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch
doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az
good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser
Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put
enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained
animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but
one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion,
Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that
dont belong tew the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be
visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The
prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a
mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz
one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and
that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss
ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase
resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's
look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the
munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down
into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into
you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like
skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.
Yours at sight,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XLVII.
TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.
_Cora._--Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew
make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha
are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite
track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game.
If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole
rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno
he waz only hunting for fun.
_Rebekar._--I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu
pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit
ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are
a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody
in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at
onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu.
_Flora._--I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount
on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum
to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal
Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man
wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go
into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost,
and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet.
_Lizzy._--Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That
looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life
theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill
let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha
are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i
kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half
the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the
cussedest evra now and then.
_Matilda._--Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew
the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The
owner asked 50 dollars for him, he had sore eys, and the itch, but tha
tell me that awl lap dogs haz theze trifling komplantes. I saw anuther
one, which the owner onla asked thirty-five dollars for, he had small
sized fits, but waz warrented not tew hav more than three fits in enny
one da. I think this dog iz jist what yu are looking for; i offered
thirty-seven dollars for him, if the owner wud heave in a vial ov fits
medisin. He is tew giv me an anser tomorrow.
P. S.--I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz
Agusty Seazer.
XLVIII.
ON WIDDERS.
Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our
purpis,) into 3 classes: _The Lone_, _The Grass_, and _The Star
Spangled Banner Widder_. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for
her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got
gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her
ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch,
she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys
the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow
never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the
partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those
she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life
is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry
amung men she perpetuates.
The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house
at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that
her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial
tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under
her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if
she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls
virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her
kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and
hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid--for the season.
The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and--a fule. She marrid
her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in
at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov
a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9
months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep
english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes,
as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she
thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with
a full puss, she wil make him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She
has more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.
Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that
a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the
widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made
tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which
their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our
disguss--Amen!
XLIX.
THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.
A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman's rites
convenshun.
A yung lady ov more circumference than the diameter ov her father's
real estate.
A boy under 15 with over 15 bad habits.
A long bill at the tailor's, that belongs tew a short Bill at the St.
Nicholas.
A man who haz more hair under his nose than knows under his hair.
A virgin who haz beat 40, afrade ov a rane _bo_.
A pollytision leading in prayer.
A man whoze houze wants painting a different culler from hiz noze.
Charitee that evra boddy knowz ov.
A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.
"Augers that won't bore," unless tha kan hav the privilege ov
splitting.
[Illustration: Josh Billings goes in bathing at Long Branch.--_See page
133._]
L.
ON COURTING.
Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge,
it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz
lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes;
he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov
murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that
steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the
hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying
and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and
now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in
faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each
uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2
merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did
slow, then yu git the flaver. I hav saw folks git ackquainted, fall in
luv, git marrid, settel down and git tew wurk, in 3 weeks from date.
This is jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts for the grate
number ov almitey mean mechanicks, we hav and the poor jobs tha turn
out.
Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung men, who are
about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the fust
plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure systen awl rite, and then find a
yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The nex thing
is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she
will sa that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far
from out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say onse
evry nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as
the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the
girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman
never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good courting, if it is dun
strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin to be well
ackquainted and will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing I
alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in
10 daze, unless yu forgit how the gal looks.
Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind az tho yu had
pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find out what ails yu.
Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion
in tune; and then if the gal happens tew be thare, bi acksident, she
kan ask yu tew go hum with her.
Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz
courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3
years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a
leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat
at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor
relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile
refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and
bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court
her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the
parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a
nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub,
and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a
good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the
courting.
Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these
rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did,
and it shant kost yu a cent.
LI.
REMARKS.
Piety iz a good kind ov dissease for a man tew hav, but when he has so
mutch ov it that he has tew go behind the door on Sunday to drink his
whiskee, it will dew tew watch him the rest of the week.
Menny think tha luv their husbands almost tew deth, when in fack, tha
are only jealous ov them.
Thoze familys who are really fust class, never are afraid that tha
shall git cheated out ov their respektability, while the codfish
familys are alwus nervous lest tha mite.
The onla sure resipee tew govern mankind with, iz the rod; yu ma
festoon it with flowers and case it with velvet, if yu pleze, but it
iz the rod, after all, that duz the bizzness.
I kant conseive a more despikable opjek than a proud and arrogant man;
he makes me think ov an old Tom Turkey trieing tew git mad at a red
flannel pettycoat on a clothes line.
It iz not onla highly natral tew luv the femail sek, but 'tis highly
pleasant.
Verry few people enjoy munny, bekauze tha kant git enuff ov it.
We are told that a contented man is happy, and we mite hav bin told,
at the same, that a mudturkle could fly if it onla had wings.
It wont dew tew stir up a man when he is thinking, enny more than it
will a pan ov milk when the cream is rising.
Thare is one time when awl men are comparitiffly pure, and that is
when tha are in luv.
Humbolt was a man ov verry high attainments.
It iz eazy enuff tew raize the devil, but he iz a hard crop tew reap.
It appears tew me that a poor story iz a good deal like a grist, the
oftner it iz told, the less thare iz ov it; but then, perhaps, i am
mistaken.
I hav bin told that _swine Lager_ iz the Dutch for root beer.
LII.
THE FAULT-FINDER.
Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick
grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self
consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try
tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a
pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his
big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the
trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she
has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't
believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus
it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha
lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing,
and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew
die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their
ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a
looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny
remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it
results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if
yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in
with them yu onla maik them mad with themselfs.
I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew
go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i
think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much
like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov
consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny
eels.
LIII.
PROVERBS.
Chastity iz like an isikel. if it onse melts that's the last ov it.
Dew a good turn whenever yu kan even if yu hav tew turn sumboddy's
grinstun tu dew it.
When a man dies the fust thing we talk about iz hiz welth, the nex
thing hiz failings, and the last thing hiz vartues.
I suppose the "bone of contenshun" iz the collar bone.
An ungrateful childe is the revenge of Heaven.
After awl ced and dun the gran sekret of winning is tew win.
The studdy ov humin natur is a good deal like the studdy ov
dessekshun, yu finde out a good menny curis things, but it is a nasty
job after awl.
When a man's dog deserts him on akount ov his poverty, he kant git
enny lower down in this world, not bi land.
Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.
Don't let us forgit that the higher up we git the smaller will things
look tew us here belo.
Natur haz no artifise, she plants her flowers in the gardin and in the
wilderness, and endows them alike.
It iz tru that welth won't maik a man vartuous, but i notis thare
ain't ennyboddy who wants tew be poor jist for the purpiss ov being
good.
Luv iz like the meazels, we kant alwus tell when we ketched it and
ain't ap tew hav it severe but onst, and then it ain't kounted mutch
unless it strikes inly.
Tew be a suckcessful pollytysian, a man shud be butterd on both sides
and then keep awa from the fire.
LIV.
KOLIDING.
The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew
menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew
translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The
term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars
triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never
yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."
JOSH BILLINGS.
LV.
ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.
I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:
They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that
Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored
yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend.
Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is
owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back
with.
Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them;
sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat.
Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped
snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place
whare I was going tew sit down on the grass.
We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is
a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without
spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov sedusing
snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i ginerally dew it bi gitting
them tew put their heds under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them;
sich is life.
Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called
eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze
are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks
hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no
thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck
out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident.
The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the
landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and
then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him
summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the
servants for something tew eat.
I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out
mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a
small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat
in their body than a ramrod haz.
Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and
i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare
there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped
snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite
oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a
man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if
it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing
disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his
sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for
this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market,
the less snaiks.
MUDTURKLES.
Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to.
Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their
houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha
find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water,
and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha
hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them
hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az "close
korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite
under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum
iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an
injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving
stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav
tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off
far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor
chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare
sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode.
I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in
mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won't
pass a law "prohibiting enny more mudturkles." I regret tew hear,
that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using
mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy
with a revenew stamp onto it.
In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew
tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity
ov truth in theze days.
LVI.
TRUE BILLS.
Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and
vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch
vittles.
Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it.
False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa
it iz right.
Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False
religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil.
True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False
faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand.
Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the
rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights
and no respek for our own.
Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False
wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence.
LVII.
NARRATIF.