each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz
druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner." Tha
trotted sublimely, az clus az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed
hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite,
like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time,
2 minnits. Now the kontost becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh"
yelled--on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer--tha
make the last turn tew onst--tha look like a dubble team--the
exsitement grows more intensely--the crowd sways to and fro--the ox
cart trembles--tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich
swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz
ahed!--no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the
ox-kart--the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking
2 seckunds.
REMARKS.
The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each
party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to
anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the gentleman, reporter
for the Young Man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the
mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the
steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart,
and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks
nor the hat sinse.
SECKUND HEAT.
The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down
the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on
the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew
the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle
ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch,
"Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like
litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour
"Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and
trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl
alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged
on the ground. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits. "Juise Harp"
winning, bi a quarter ov a mild. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur
Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners,"
bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite
deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun
ov the kuntry in a fu dais.
XXXVI.
'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'
This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did,
i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a
prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun;
he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on
it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little
children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's
memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true.
He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land,
he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the
docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could
constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand.
"Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this advise was got up for yu. If
yu owe the Devil ennything pay him off at onse, and then discharge him,
and dont hire him over agin at enny prise. That's what the author ment.
Be honest, pay even the devil, if yu owe him, but dont owe him agin. If
the proprietor ov this most worthy proverb, "Giv the devil hiz due,"
still lives, altho i haint had the pleasure ov an introducksion tew
him, if he ever wants enny thing, _even good advise_, he kan git it in
awl natiff purity and innersense, bi dropping a line tu his everlasting
well wisher.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XXXVII.
WATCH DOGS.
Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did
yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever
visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank,
watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak?--Did yu ever
hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt
gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak
pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl
swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that
seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed
in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous--it seems 3 weeks
at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens--yure lady friend
recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu!
dew cum rite in. How pale the walk has made yu! Tiger! Tiger! hush
yu! He is onla glad tew cee yu. Dew cum rite in, Mrs. Bingler." Mrs.
Bingler, let me ask yu a question, privately: "Dew yu kandidly think
that the luv yu bare for yure lady friend, Mrs. Baremore, who livs in
the subberbs, iz enny kind ov atonement for the hate and horror that
yu will alwus hav for the grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog Tiger
that she keeps tew welcum her visitors with? If yu dew, please address,
postage paid, JOSH BILLINGS, BOX 467, Pokeepsie
sitty."
XXXVIII.
ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS.
_Amerikus._--Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It
is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and
yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in
your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the
luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich
a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing
oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent
into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu
will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures.
Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This
sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing
similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure
contribushun will appear in our nex issu, with a _wood cut_ piktur ov
a saw buck at the top ov it.
_Beta_--I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus,
for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in
and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man
who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times
again.
_Mathew._--I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy
ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make
a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw
menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers.
_Philander._--Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the
single condishun?--Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has
tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the
double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am
reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on
both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew be a wimmin's
kommitty, the marrid state iz a heaven and arth, awl tew onst. But
after awl the married state is a good deal like falling out ov a cherry
tree, if a person don't happen tew git hurt, it is a good reason for
not trieing it agin.
XXXIX.
REMARKS.
It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a
raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint
better konstructed for a phool.
I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is
rong he kant be too conservatiff.
"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people, who can
shame the devil easy enuff but the tother thing bothers them.
If yu don't beleaf in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin and studdy
it.
Their is one advantage in a plurality ov wifes; tha fite each other,
insted ov their hustbands.
It is a verry delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in
his own estimashun, and yures too.
As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good
rite tew them.
I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more
people mean, than it duz generous.
Woman's inflooense is powerful--espeshila when she wants enny thing.
No man luvs tu git beat, but it is better tew git beat than tew be
rong.
Awl kind ov bores are a nuisance, but it is better tew be bored with a
2 inch auger, than a gimblet.
"Be sure yu are rite then go ahed;" but in kase ov doubt go ahed enny
wa.
Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff
tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git the wuss
tha wurk.
The rode tew Ruin, is alwus kept in good repair, and the travellers
pay the expense ov it.
If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never
need to look for promoshun.
I hav got as much munny as sum folks, but i hav got as much impudence
as enny ov them, and that is the next thing tew munny.
It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts his munny.
Dont mistake arroganse for wisdum; menny people hav thought tha was
wise, when tha was onla windy.
The man who kant git ahed, without pulling others back, iz a limited
cuss.
Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tu confess
her faults.
Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
and that is, the rode is easy, and yu are sure tew git thare.
Lastly--i am violently opposed tu arden speerits as a bevridge, but
for manufaktering purposes, i think a leetle of it tastes good.
XL.
AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.
"Musick hath charms to sooth a savage.
To rend a rok or split a kabbage."
So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast
ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint
searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We
are told, that in _those days_ "the stars sang together," but in _theze
days_ yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said,
"that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this
remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul;
a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov
brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the
gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut
haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than a knife and
fork has with his dinner, if he is real hungry he can eat with his
fingers. Musick want got up tew make us wise, but better natured. How
much opera musick dew you suppose it wud taik tu make a man cry? Folks
will tell yu that such an "overture fria dabulo" (or sum uther furrin
big named thing) "waz moste heavenly rendered," tha mite as well tell
me that a pumpkin pie was heavenly rendered. What do i care about the
rendering, if i don't git a piece ov the pie? Let some Prime Donner,
or Mezzer Soapraner, or Barrytown Base, or some sich latin individual,
cum into this village, and histe their flag, and hav a programmy ov
singing as long as a sarch warrant, and as hard tu spell out as a
chinese proklamashun ritten upside down, and taxed seventy-five cents
for a preserved seat, and moste evrybody will go tu hear it, bekause
moste everybody else dus, and will sa, evry now and then, (out loud)
"how bewitching! how delishus! how egstatick!" and nineteen out ov
evry twenty-one ov them wouldn't kno it if the performance was a
burlesk on their grandmother. Wouldn't it be fun tew cee one ov these
opera singers undertake tu rok a baby tu sleep? i gess thare wud be
two parts carried tu that song about that time. Suppoze yu shud come
home at nite, a weary boy, and la yure hed in mother's lap, and she
shud let out a opera, good Lord! wouldn't yu think yure mother was a
lunatik, or ought to be one at onst, tu save her karacter. "Korrect
taist," iz anuther big wurd; ive herd folks uze it whose finger nales
wanted cleaning. Musik, after all, is sumthing like vittels, the more
cooking and seasoning we uze, the more we have to hav, till after
awhile we kant enjoy ennything ov the vittels but the pepper.--Opera
dont hav enny more loosening affeck on me, than caster ile wud on a
graven image. I set and gaze, and hark, and cee the whole aujence in
hirogliphicks, and awl i kan do iz tu git mad that sich stuff is called
musik. But awl the reasoning in the wurld wont convince menny people
that tha haint got a rite tew go into fits over an opera tha dont
understand a word ov; it iz the fashion tew expire and hav their souls
dissolve in latin at the rate ov seventy-five cents, an it haz got to
be did, "sink or swim, survive or perish." If enny boddy wants tu go
and hear a man or woman disgorge musik, that has more kolik than melody
into it, i suppose (under the constitushun) tha hav jist the same rite
tew crusifi themselves enny uther wa, for sumbody's else sins that tha
dont kno the natur of."
XLI.
"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."
This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very
edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not
uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed
tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch.
Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are
in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt
made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing
that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so
duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the
flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff,
tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew
praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare
iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any
more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women,
stop crying and go tew laffing, yu will last longer, and git fatter
and stand jist as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on
your countenanse, as yu will with yure fase leaking at every pore. I
sa man want made tew mourn, if he had bin he would not hav bin put in
Paradise, whare every thing else was made in the image ov smiles.
[Illustration: Josh Billings wants to know why it is that so many women
who are so thin in the face, stick out so everywhere else.--_See page
122._]
P.S.--I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i
dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the
authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov
England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn"
Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further
informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp
enclosed.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XLII.
PROVERBS.
What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny
he left?"
I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like
tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face,
stick out so every where else!
Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms
houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the
substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.
The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole
world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the
size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.
The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits
beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went
out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off
and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him
ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the
konsequents waz, he got--skunked.
The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru,
what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the--nabors?
XLIII.
KISSING CONSIDERED.
"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew
kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy
immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater
meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that
honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the
subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a
fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in
the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.
IN THE LUMP.
Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed;
in fack, about the onla way tew deskribe it well is tew do it well.
It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from
what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam
as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't
kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't
relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing
about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and
that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort
that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark)
the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like
eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by,
and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one
ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho
enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny
climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly,
yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did,
az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it
cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly
consentrated, and reverend luxury.
IN DETALE.
When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our
subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art
seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and
sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus
and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the
utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and--couzin
Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me
shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst
a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase,
and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then
tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday,
and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what
tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt
tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air.
I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me
in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different
this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst laste nite. I knu he wast a
husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt
me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and
as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want
enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal
about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice
offiser--it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it
neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade
ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well
did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov
the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest
ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for--for, one oph
from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one
kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount
ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's
consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.
MORAL.--Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu
chew them well.
XLIV.
FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS.
Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the
good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the
name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon,
waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood
wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in
the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence
ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair
begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after
taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock
the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal
bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.
In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news from Jerusha, which
he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud
translate it as follers:
_May 20th_, SPEERIT LAND, 1846.
"_Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood_: Having a fu spare time tew devote
terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am
well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin.
I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave
Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting
choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz
evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods
is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for
eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick
yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.
"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here,
how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew
that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear
McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same
celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know,
and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the one that i brag
on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv,
for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell,
Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."
At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud
az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then
awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and
amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi
frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I
told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a
ded sure thing on Jerush.
XLV.
SAYINGS.
A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude
enuff tu be resented.
"Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu
under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.
"Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the
bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.
The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a
bigger fule than tha ar.
Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.
It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared
yung one's nose tu run.
The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit
for enny thing else.
The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we
hav.
"The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.
Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for
having the ich.
XLVI.
JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.