meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their
respektif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old Fools, and we
should stan by, and offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov
their own, it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinplaster kurrensy. Them
that sett the fashun, aught tu be vartuous and big minded, bekauze the
morals ov a people are just about az mutch inflooensed by fashun az tha
are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun, tha
didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov vanitee to
rejek fashun, than it iz tu adopt it.
Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the
poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous
cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no
reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud
make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing,
and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint
enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy.
Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu
will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste
ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the
noble, adopt fashun jist az tha du enny uther proper kustom, simpla
bekause it iz the fashun.
It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov
the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself
tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is
consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha
held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da.
I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as
cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel.
The essa is thru.
[Illustration: The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum on a gentleman
of genial spirits.--_See page 80._]
XXIV.
REMARKS.
Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap,
and baiting it with yure own finger.
"Between tew evils chuze the least." Brandee and gin, for instance,
which will yu hav?
Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats
on the left side ov a baked goose.
If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov
them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did.
When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell
tu mutch ov wisdom; and when his hed gits down into his harte, his
wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.
I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank
ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a
false buzzum.
Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.
Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles--short, sharp, and
shiny.
The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and
i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their
turns at killing ever sinse.
Art improves a diamond, but kant make one.
"Gra hares are honarabil," but I kno ov a grate menny gra _heds_ that
the devil will keep under a glas kase, tu sho the curous in theze
matters.
XXV.
PROVERBIAL PIG.
Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden
us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs
at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the
outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full
fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and
hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He
laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast
goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred,
beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as
flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath
the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His
words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.
His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy
fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on
errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his
ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov
instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids,
and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark
cullers, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth
his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov
food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his
vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give
his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life.
XXVI.
PROVERBS.
Preeching the gospel for nothin, is easy enuff, but preeching it fur 5
thousand a yere, and hav it sute, is anuther thing entirely.
A ded traitor makes a sweete korps.
Matches, ma be _made_ in heavin, but tha ar ginerally _sold_ down here.
Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if you du, you'll find
you've spilte a verry worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
I consait thare is this difference between bashfullness, and modesta,
the one soon wares oph, the other never dus.
A vartuous, and ekonomikal, and knooing, and butiful woman is--_is_,
all that kan be sed on the subjec.
Fitckshun is a kind ov haf wa hous, betwen the temples ov Truth and
Fallshood, whare the good and the bad meet tu lie a little.
Praing, and Charitee, ought tu be dun on the sli.
The moste intensely butiful scene i ever perused, was a clene, fat,
haf dressed baby, on the floor, kicking up its little heels, and
pounding a lookin glass, and a gold watch together.
Munny is like promises, easier maid than kept.
The fules in this wurld make about as much trubble as the wicked du.
Misfortin and twins hardly ever cum singly.
XXVII.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Bolivar._--Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys
play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them
tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba
lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting
for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best.
Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder
has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv
centiment, but widders luv muscle.
_Fanny._--Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down
suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz
ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller
them hull, tha are ap tu make yure breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu
want tew katch yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized
skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him. If yure bo wants tew marry
yu, and yu ar enny whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let
him du it.
_David._--The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden
one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They
are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu
children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I
never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.
_Citizen._--I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis.
Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize
rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil;
and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing."
Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing
over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu.
_Richard._--Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free
Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has
got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a
man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it
then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.
_Gipsey._--I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the
nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This
art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu
want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the
nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a
board, and la it awa up garrett.
XXVIII.
PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.
Humin natur is the same all over the world, cept in Nu England, and
thar its akordin tu sarcumstances.
A kodfish aristokrat alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man a tryin tu
walk a krack.
Rum is good in its plase, and hel is the plase for it.
Akordin tu skripter thar will be just about as many Kammills in heavin
as rich men.
When yu korte a widder, yu want tu du it with spurs on.
Larfin at yure own story, while yu are tellin on it, is a good dele
like firing a gun oph thru the tuch hole.
A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.
A live harte sumtimes gits intu a ded body, so dus perls git intu
jersa clams.
"Glory enuff for one da," attendin a nigger kamp meeting.
He who skorns to be inflooensed at tall by fashun is a wize fool.
I am prepaired tu say tu sevin ov the rich men out ov evry ten, makes
the most ov yure money for it makes the most ov yu.
If i had a boy who didn't lie well enuff tu sute me, i wud set him tu
tendin a retale dri good store.
Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a
little lower ever sinse.
The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli
time.
When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had
bin greased for the okashun.
I hav known folks whose _calibre_ was very small, but whose _bore_ was
very big.
The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from
a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.
Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.
Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.
We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.
XXIX.
A FU REMARKS.
Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without
askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.
I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov
bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.
Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud
rather tri a revolver on him fust.
It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune
backwards.
I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the
horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."
The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the
third iz tu--steal agin.
Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz
boddy, gives an appetite.
I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.
Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country,
that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund
and third husbands.
N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.
XXX.
A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose
thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is
hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase,
and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick
but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what
natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't
gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor
enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor
sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz
anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan
Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having
hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether
it iz best for yu tu studdy law, or studdy shumaking, both ov them
honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be
enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the
gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if
honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end
at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself
and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot
down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno
tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung
hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung
men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess
clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu
find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but
if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally
& akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial
notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav
kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth
a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an
ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping
babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether
yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu
hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends,
and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying
votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy
yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant
go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks
sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this
without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an
honest living bi cheatin on the square.
Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards
yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu
wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive
yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly
ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
XXXI.
CLEVER FELLOWS.
It is perfectly astounding how full ov _clever fellows_ the world
iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets,
reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew
the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches,
reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew,
next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger
ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun
plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a
blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused
tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu!
confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them
in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew
acksep yure sufrage as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at
the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden.--Yu can find them reddy tew
indorse yure paper, _yesterday_, for awl the munny in the institushun.
Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers
kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them,
az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az
impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha
think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without
theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish
the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live
theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle
themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to
step on their tales.
XXXII
AFFERISIMS.
God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for
them, wise men couldn't get a livin.
Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.
We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav
thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and
muskeeters, waz wasted.
If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just
as good a chanse az a wize man.
True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers;
false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.
Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.
If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a
dove.
We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who
do.
It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool--a man kan be one and not know it.
Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it
duz, in what he dont want.
Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.
Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.
XXXIII.
ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az
sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum
contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu
those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:
TO CONTRIBUTORS.
"_I Hear an Angell Whispre_," by _Clemantha_.--Theze lines contain more
poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav
got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha;
rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint
never bin rit onto.
"_Slavery, ordained ov God_," _bi A. D. P._--This produckshion we cant
accept. We are bound in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand
"enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu
be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance
besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P.
mite stand for _A. D--m Phule_, and we aint a doing enny bizness with
them kind not if we are credibly informed.
"_On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters_," _bi
Clarense_.--Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz
the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch
on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew
the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the
square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar
puff.
"_Epitaff on a friend_," _bi Emeline Parsons_.--Epitaffs are played out
with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth
and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We
luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and
keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.
"_Essa on Hurrykanes_," _bi Tempest Jun'_.--Wil appear jist az soon az
the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane
the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening
quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the
roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it
had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth
having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a
personal intervu.
[Illustration: John Billings drives out to the Races.--_See page 100._]
XXXIV.
A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.
Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the
material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin
gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew
the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him,
and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for
him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed
on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds
waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov
innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even
hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful
tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God.
Could the arth be peopled? could the oseans be crossed? could the
forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made
tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man
waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it
bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized
sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful
and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the
Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew
enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round
had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung
Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be
gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from
the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps
hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its
glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from
their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years
ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a
problem az ever. If he governs the arth--if the lightnings obey him--if
art iz the monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times
tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this
day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch,
that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern _himself_.
This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the
garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew
the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont
take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will
be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.
XXXV.
THE RASE KOARSE.
"Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th,
for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses,
mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"
Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum
four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated
rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud
go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village
of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill
and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern
stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl
condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good
deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3
or 4 missionarys abreast.
The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the
winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a
gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's
Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely
waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov
whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that
grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud
count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew
onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered
down tu where the rase koarse waz.
THE TRACK.
I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy
disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush
fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's
stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the
reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.
THE HOSSES
Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring
under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss,
about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall
inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I
asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who
waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink
tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord
out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi
inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss,
rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz
kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz
about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a
stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."
FUST HEAT.