DONAL

Yes, yes, Sir Denis Delahunty. And what about it?

KITTY

Dinny Delahunty, the old caubogue, a baronet, and

no less! (_Laughs_)

DONAL

I'll have no more of this laughin', I say. What at all,

are you amused at, I'd like to know?

KITTY

Oh, father, sure 'tis a blessing that some one has a

sense of humour, like myself and the King. And

'twas the great laugh he must have had to himself,

when he made a baronet of Dinny Delahunty. Not

to mention all the other shoneens and huxters, from

here to Bantry.

DONAL

How dare you speak to me like that, miss, when 'tis

yourself that will be Lady Delahunty one of these

fine days. Dinny, I mean, Sir Denis himself, is

comin' here to-night to make a match with his son,

Finbarr.

KITTY

Wisha, indeed, now! And who told you I am going

to wed Finbarr Delahunty? And he a more miserable

shoneen than his old crawthumping humbug of a

father.

DONAL

If you'll speak as disrespectfully as that again about

any of my friends you'll be sorry for it. 'Tis I'm

tellin' you that you are to wed Finbarr Delahunty and

that's information enough for you, my damsel.

KITTY

I'll spare you the trouble of picking a man for me,

father.

MRS. CORCORAN

Don't be disobedient, Kitty. You must remember

that I never laid eyes on your father until the mornin'

I met him at the altar rails.

KITTY

You should be ashamed to acknowledge the like,

mother.

DONAL

Ashamed of me, is it? The father that rared and

schooled you!

KITTY

I have said nothing at all to offend you, father. But

I have already told you that I am going to pick a

husband for myself.

DONAL

You are goin' to pick a husband for yourself! Are

you, indeed? Ah, sure 'tis the stubbornness of your

mother's people that's in you.

MRS. CORCORAN (_as she keeps knitting_)

And her father's, too.

DONAL

What's that you're saying, woman?

MRS. CORCORAN

I said that 'twas from your side of the family that

she brought the stubbornness.

DONAL

How dare you say that, and in my presence, too?

The devil blast the one belongin' to me was ever

stubborn. She's her mother's daughter, I'm tellin'

you.

MRS. CORCORAN

Whatever is gentle in her comes from me, and what's

stubborn and contrary comes from you and yours.

DONAL (_in a rage_)

God be praised and glorified! What's gentle in her,

will you tell me? She that pleases herself in everythin'.

(_To Kitty_) I'll knock the stubbornness out of you,

my young lady, before we will have another full moon.

MRS. CORCORAN

Indeed and you won't, then, nor in ten full moons,

either.

DONAL (_as he walks up and down the kitchen_)

Woman! woman! woman! You are all alike! Every

damn one of you, from the Queen to the cockle picker.

KITTY

You have no right to marry me to any one against

my will.

DONAL

And is it the way I'd be leavin' you marry some good-for-nothing

idle jackeen, who couldn't buy a ha'porth

of bird seed for a linnet or a finch, let alone to

keep a wife? That's what a contrary, headstrong,

uncontrollable whipster like you would do, if you had

your own way. But, be God, you will have little of

your own way while I am here and above ground.

KITTY

If stubbornness was a virtue, you'd be a saint, father,

and they'd have your picture in all the stained glass

windows in every church in the country, like St.

Patrick or St. Columkille, himself.

MRS. CORCORAN (_laughs at Kitty's answer_)

Well, well, well, to be sure! You are your father's

daughter, Kitty.

DONAL

She's the devil's daughter, I'm thinkin'.

[_A loud knocking is heard at the door. Kitty opens it

and Denis Delahunty enters. He is dressed in a new

frock coat and top hat_.

MRS. CORCORAN AND DONAL (_as he enters_)

Welcome, Sir Denis, welcome. (_They both shake hands

with him_) Our heartiest congratulations, and warmest

respects.

DONAL (_pointing to his own chair_)

Take my own chair, the best in the house, that I

wouldn't offer to the Bishop or the Lord Lieutenant

himself, if either of them called to see me.

[_Sir Denis sits down, but forgets to remove his hat,

which is much too small, and tilted to one side. When

Kitty sees the strange figure he cuts, she laughs outright,

at which her father gets very angry_.

DONAL (_to Kitty_)

What are you laughin' at? You brazen creature!

KITTY (_laughing_)

Sir Denis has on some one else's tall hat.

SIR DENIS (_looks very bored, removes the hat and says

rather sadly_)

You are mistaken, my child. Badly mistaken! 'Tis

my own hat. 'Twas the only one in the town that I

could get that came near fittin' me, and herself, I mean

Lady Delahunty, wouldn't leave me out without it.

KITTY

I hope that you feel more comfortable than you

look, Sir Denis.

SIR DENIS

To tell the truth, Kitty, I don't know whether 'tis on

my head or my heels I'm standin'. The devil a one of

me was ever aware that His Majesty the King knew

or thought so much about me. If I was only made a

mere knight inself, it wouldn't be so bad; but think

of bein' made a whole baronet all of a sudden like

that, and not knowin' a bit about it beforehand.

DONAL

You are the lucky man, Sir Denis, but don't know it.

SIR DENIS

I suppose I am, Donal. At one stroke of his sword,

so to speak, the King of, well, we might say of half

the whole world, put an unbridgeable gulf between

herself, I mean Lady Delahunty, and myself, and

the common people forever and forever!

KITTY (_laughing_)

May the Lord forgive him.

DONAL

I suppose you must present yourself at Court and

have tea with the Queen herself?

MRS. CORCORAN

Sure, of course, he must be presented at Court, and

the Queen with a crown of glitterin' jewels on her

head will bow to him, the same as if he was the Rajah

of Ballyslattery, himself, and he with his ten thousand

wives and numerous attendants. And for all we know,

maybe 'tis the way he'll be invitin' the whole Royal

Family to spend the summer with himself and Lady

Delahunty at Innismore.

SIR DENIS

'Tis the great responsibility that has been thrust upon

herself, I mean Lady Delahunty, and myself surely.

But we have made no plans, so far, for the entertainment

of Royalty, and their conspicuous aide-de-camps.

KITTY

Aides-de-camp, you mean, I suppose, Sir Denis.

DONAL

How dare you correct Sir Denis?

SIR DENIS

However, I suppose in time we will get accustomed to

our new surroundin's and environment. The Prince

of Wales, they say, is hard to please, but I have no

doubt that he will be glad to meet Lady Delahunty

and myself.

DONAL

I have no doubt whatever but he will be delighted to

meet Lady Delahunty and yourself. But, of course,

every man's trouble appears greater to himself, than

to his neighbours. And as we all think more about

ourselves than any one else, and as you have now partially

recovered from the unexpected stroke of royal

generosity, we might as well get down to business and

fix up that match with Kitty and your son Finbarr.

SIR DENIS

With reference to the royal favour, Donal, I might as

well be candid and say, that it wasn't altogether unexpected,

because I knew somethin' was going to

happen. I felt it in my bones.

KITTY

Nonsense, Sir Denis; it must have been the rheumatics

you felt.

DONAL

That's all well and good, but what about the match?

KITTY

Spare yourself the trouble of trying to make a match

for me.

DONAL

If you don't hold your tongue, I'll be put to the bother

of lockin' you up in your own room, and feedin' you

on promises until your spirit is broken. That's the

only way to treat a contrary, impudent creature like

you.

SIR DENIS

Let there be no crossness on my account, Donal.

DONAL

Well, I have carefully considered what we were discussin'

last week, and I have decided to give three

hundred pounds, twenty acres of rich loamy soil,

without a rock, a furze bush, or a cobble stone in it,

five milch cows, six sheep, three clockin' hens and a

clutch of ducklin's. Provided, of course, that you

will give the same. That much should be enough to

give my daughter and your son a start in life. And

I may tell you that's much more than herself and

myself started out with. Well, Sir Denis, is it a

bargain or is it not?

SIR DENIS

No two people could get a better start, Donal. But it

isn't in my power to come to any settlement until herself,

I mean Lady Delahunty, arrives. She is up at the

dressmaker's, and should be here in a minute or two.

[_Knock at the door. Kitty opens and Lady Delahunty

enters. She is dressed in a new sealskin coat, black

dress, and white petticoat and a badly fitting bonnet.

Mrs. Corcoran is greatly impressed with her appearance

and offers her a chair_.

MRS. CORCORAN AND DONAL

Congratulations, Lady Delahunty, congratulations.

Be seated, be seated.

[_Mrs. Corcoran draws her chair near Lady Delahunty

and while Donal and Sir Denis are talking, in an

undertone, Mrs. Corcoran speaks_.

MRS. CORCORAN

That's a beautiful new coat, Lady Delahunty.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_proudly_)

Fifty-five guineas.

MRS. CORCORAN

'Tis worth more.

LADY DELAHUNTY

So Sir Denis says.

MRS. CORCORAN (_stoops and feels the edge of the lace petticoat,

which is well exposed_)

That's the nicest piece of lace I have seen for many

a long day.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Two pounds ten, and a bargain at that. And three

pounds five for my bonnet makes sixty pounds, fifteen

shillin's. Not to mention what I had to pay for

Dinny's, I mean Sir Denis's new suit and tall hat.

MRS. CORCORAN

You could build a house or buy two fine horses for

that much.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Indeed, and you could then.

DONAL

Now ladies, we must get our business finished, and

we can talk after. I am offerin' three hundred pounds,

twenty acres of land, five cows, six sheep, three clockin'

hens, and a clutch of ducklin's, and want to know

without any palaverin' or old gab, whether or not

yourself and Sir Denis are prepared to do likewise.

KITTY

One would think that I was a cow or a sheep, myself,

going to be sold to the highest bidder. But, thank

God, I'm neither one nor the other. I have a mind

and a will of my own, and I may as well tell you all

that I will only marry the man who I will choose for

myself.

DONAL

Every one of the women in ten generations of your

family, on both sides, said the same, but they all did

what they were told in the end, and you will do it,

too. You will marry the man that I will choose for

you, or go to the convent or America. And believe

me, 'tisn't much of your own way you will get in either

place.

KITTY

I will marry the man I want to marry and no one else.

SIR DENIS

Maybe 'tis the way she is only teasin' you.

DONAL

No, 'tis her mother's contrary spirit that's in her.

MRS. CORCORAN

Not her mother's, but her father's, contrary spirit.

DONAL

Enough now, I say. I'm boss here yet, and I'm not

goin' to let my daughter, whom I have rared, fed,

clad and educated, and all that cost me many a pound

of my hard earned money, have a privilege that the

kings, queens, royal princesses and grand duchesses

themselves haven't.

MRS. CORCORAN

Wisha, don't be losin' your temper, Donal.

DONAL

'Tis enough to make any one lose their temper. If

that sort of thing was permitted, every dacent father

and mother in the country would be supportin' some

useless son-in-law, and his children, maybe. The man

who marries my daughter must be able to support her

as I have supported you.

MRS. CORCORAN

Erra, hold your tongue. I never ate a loaf of idle

bread in my life, and always supported myself, and

earned enough to support you as well.

DONAL

I'll have no more of this tyranny in my own house, I

say.

KITTY

Well, well, for goodness sake! What is all this nonsense

about? I have already told you that I will

marry my own man and no one else.

SIR DENIS

Now, Donal, when we come to consider the matter,

perhaps, after all is said and done, maybe Kitty is

right. You know, of course, that we all like to have

our own way.

DONAL

Do we, indeed? Maybe 'tis the way you are tryin' to

back out of your bargain.

LADY DELAHUNTY

He isn't tryin' to back out of anythin', Donal. But

as we were sayin' to-day when we heard that His

Majesty, the King of Great Britain and Ireland,

Australia, Canada, and India, as well.--(_Looks at Sir

Denis who is trying to light a clay pipe_) Ahem! ahem!

Sir Denis, Sir Denis.

SIR DENIS (_bored_)

Alright, alright.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Didn't I tell you never to leave me see you with a clay

pipe in your gob again? Where are the cigars I bought

for you this morning?

SIR DENIS (_searches in his pocket and pulls out a cigar_)

Wisha the devil a taste can I get from one of them.

I might as well be tryin' to smoke a piece of furze

bush.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Taste or no taste, put that pipe back in your pocket.

What would the King and his daughters think if they

saw you suckin' an old dudeen like that?

KITTY

'Tis little bother any of us are to the King or his

daughters, either, I'm thinking.

DONAL

I'll put a padlock on that mouth of yours, if you don't

hold your tongue.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Well, as I was sayin', when His Majesty so graciously

honoured Sir Dinny and myself, we held a long and

lengthy consultation and came to the conclusion after

a good deal of consideration, that it might be as well

not to hurry Finbarr's marriage. We were thinkin'

of sendin' him across to England to finish his education:

so that he may be able to take his place with

the foreign aristocracy.

SIR DENIS

Of course, we all know that there is no better hurler

in the whole country, and no finer man ever cracked

a whip, and no better man ever stood behind a plough,

or turned cows out of a meadow, but the devil a bit

at all he knows about the higher accomplishments of

the nobility.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Such as playin' cricket and polo, and drinkin' afternoon

tea with a napkin on his knee, like one of the

gentry themselves. And between ourselves, he cares

no more about cigarettes than his father does about

cigars.

SIR DENIS

Notwithstanding all that, 'tis my belief that after

six months in England, he would be fit company for

the best people in the land.

DONAL

What the blazes does he want learnin' to play polo

for, when he must make his livin' as a farmer?

LADY DELAHUNTY

Listen now, Donal, and be reasonable. When--

DONAL

Is it the way you want to break off the match? The

truth now, and nothin' else.

LADY DELAHUNTY

Of course, we don't want the match to be broken off.

But now that Finbarr is heir to a title--well, we all

know that Kitty is a very nice and good girl; but as

Sir Denis says: "'Tis a pity that we should force

people to marry against their will, and--"

DONAL

The long and short of it is that my daughter isn't

good enough for your damn, flat-footed clodhopper of

a son. Though 'twas Dinny himself that forced the

match on me.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_indignantly_)

Sir Denis, if you please.

SIR DENIS

Donal, Donal, be reasonable and agreeable, man.

You should know that people are never the same after

royal favours have been conferred on them. And

though I am perfectly satisfied with myself and my

social standin', such as it is, yet, as you know, we

must look to the future of our children.

DONAL

Well, of all the old mollycoddlin' bladderskites that

ever I listened to, you beat them all.

SIR DENIS

Restrain yourself, Donal, and leave me finish. Well,

I was about to say, when you interrupted, that when

Finbarr has learnt how to behave like a real gentleman,

and can hold a cup of afternoon tea on his knee

without spillin' it all over himself, then he may aspire

to higher things, and want a wife who can play the

violin as well as the piano, and speak all the languages

in the world also.

DONAL

Wisha bad luck and misfortune to your blasted impudence,

to cast a reflection on my daughter, and

she that can play twenty-one tunes on the piano, all

by herself and from the music too. And she can play

the typewriter as well, and that's more than any one

belongin' to you can do. 'Tis well you know there's

no more music in the Delahunty family than there

would be in an old cow or a mangy jackass that you'd

find grazin' by the roadside.

KITTY

Tell him all I know about Irish, French, and German

too, father.

DONAL

The next thing I will tell him is to take himself and

his bloody tall hat out of my house and never show

his face here again.

LADY DELAHUNTY

I'm surprised at you to speak like that to Sir Denis.

DONAL

Sir Denis be damned, ma'am.

SIR DENIS (_as he rises to go and requests Lady Delahunty

to do likewise_)

Lady Delahunty, if you please.

[_A loud knocking is heard at the door. Kitty opens and

Constable Dunlea enters. As he stands by the door, he

takes a letter from his pocket._

CONSTABLE (_to Sir Denis_)

This is a message for you, sir, from the editor of the

_Examiner_. The postman couldn't find you at home

and asked me to deliver it, as he knew I was coming

here to-night.

[_Sir Denis excitedly opens the letter and Lady Delahunty

looks on with apparent satisfaction, as she thinks

it is a personal letter of congratulation for Sir Denis.

Sir Denis borrows Mrs. Corcoran's spectacles and reads

the letter hurriedly and looks very crestfallen._

LADY DELAHUNTY (_with a look of surprise_)

What's the matter, Sir Denis?

SIR DENIS

What isn't the matter would be a better question.

'Twas a mistake, Anastatia, a sad and sorry mistake!

LADY DELAHUNTY

What's a mistake?

SIR DENIS

Ourselves! I mean we weren't knighted at all. The

editor of the _Examiner_ sends his personal regrets and

apology for printin' an unofficial telegram that was

sent by some malicious person about myself being

created a baronet.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_grabs the letter and spectacles. Adjusts

the spectacles on her nose and reads. Swoons and

falls into Sir Denis's arms_)

The saints protect us all! 'Tis the truth, surely!

MRS. CORCORAN (_gets a glass of water and gives it to

Lady Delahunty_)

Here, now, take this, and you will be soon all right

again.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_as she recovers, turns to Kitty_)

I suppose 'twas at your instigation that all this happened.

You impudent, prevaricatin', philanderin'

galavanter. Now we will be the laughin' stock of

the whole country. If Sir Denis--

DONAL

Plain Denis, if you please, ma'am.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_to her husband_)

If you had only the good sense of refusin' the title

itself, but--

SIR DENIS

We'll never be able to live down the shame and disgrace

of it, Lady Delahunty.

DONAL

Plain Statia Delahunty, if you please.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_to Kitty_)

If you were worth the weight of yourself in gold and

could sing like a lark, I wouldn't give Finbarr to you

now.

KITTY

I never asked for him, ma'am. I told you all that I

would marry only my own man, and here he is.

(_Calls Constable Dunlea to her side and takes his arm_)

We are to be married next month, and then what

need I care about titles or the aristocracy when I will

have himself to support and protect me while he lives,

and his pension if he should die, and the law of the

land at my back all the time.

CURTAIN

* * * * *

RETRIBUTION

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

CHARACTERS

PATCHA CREMIN (_nicknamed_ NAPOLEON) _A carpenter_

NEDSERS BROPHY (_nicknamed_ BOULANGER) _A mason_

DANNUX TOUHY (_nicknamed_ THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON) _A mason_

MRS. FENNESSEY _A lodging-house keeper_

RETRIBUTION

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

_Scene: Bedroom in a country lodging house. There is

one narrow bed and two chairs in the room, and a picture

of Robert Emmet hangs on the wall. Patcha Cremin is

lying in bed with his head covered. A loud knocking is

heard at the door_.

PATCHA (_startled, uncovers his head and looks about him.

The knocking continues_)

Who's there? (_Thinking for a moment that he is at

home and that his wife is calling_) Oh, is that you,

Ellie?

MRS. FENNESSEY (_from without_)

It is not Ellie, then.

PATCHA (_not yet properly awake_)

And who is it?

MRS. FENNESSEY

'Tis me.

PATCHA (_angrily_)

And who the blazes are you?

MRS. FENNESSEY

Mrs. Fennessey, your landlady.

PATCHA

Oh, yes! Of course, Mrs. Fennessey, excuse me,

ma'am. I thought I was at home and that my wife

was callin' me to get up to go to work.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Are you in bed yet?

PATCHA

I am, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY

When are you going to get up?

PATCHA

Why?

MRS. FENNESSEY

I want to say a few words to you.

PATCHA

I'm not feelin' too well, at all, to-day, and don't

know when I'll be able to get up, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Don't you, indeed?

PATCHA

No, I don't, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Well then, if you're in bed and covered up, may I

come in?

PATCHA (_draws the clothes about him_)

You can, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY (_enters, stands in front of the bed and

looks at Patcha_)

And might I ask what's the matter with you?

PATCHA

Oh, I don't exactly know, at all. I have a queer

shaky feelin' runnin' down the spine and all over

me. It must be the 'fluenza or maybe appendicitis,

I'm thinkin'.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Well, if that's the case, you'll get up this very instant

and clear out of my house, for I don't want a sick

man on my hands. And you that didn't pay me a

farthin' of rent for this last six weeks.

PATCHA

Didn't I promise to pay you a week over and above

when I'd get a job? And this is the gratitute you're

showin' me now for my kindness.

MRS. FENNESSEY

What a lot of good your promises would do for any

one. I want my rent, and you can keep your promises.

PATCHA

Is it the way you'd be after turnin' a sick man from

your door a cold freezin' day like this? And the snow

thirty inches thick on the Galtee Mountains, and the

air itself nearly frozen hard.

MRS. FENNESSEY

'Tis you're the nice sick man, indeed, with muscles

on you like a statue or a prize fighter, and an appetite

like an elephant. God knows then, you should

be ashamed of yourself for nearly eating me out of

house and home, and I a poor widow dependin' on

the likes of you for a livin.' 'Tis I that wouldn't like

to be the mother of a man such as yourself, God

forgive you!

PATCHA

I'm surprised at a dacent woman like you, Mrs. Fennessey,

to stand there abusin' me for my misfortune

instead of bringin' me up a good warm breakfast to

nourish my wastin' frame, and encourage the good

spirits to come back to my heart.

MRS. FENNESSEY

I'm sick and tired of listenin' to you and your excuses,

but I'm not goin' to listen to them any longer. So

pack up and get out, or if you don't I'll get my brother

Mike to fling you out, and believe me he won't take

long to do it, either.

PATCHA

You're losin' all your dacency, Mrs. Fennessey.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Thank God for it, if I am then! But I'm gettin' back

my good sense, and I won't talk or argue any more

with you.

PATCHA

You should feel ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Fennessey.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Indeed then, I should, for puttin' up with the likes of

you. You've got to be out of this house before twelve

o'clock to-morrow and remember I mean what I say.

[_She walks out and slams the door. Patcha sits up in

bed, rearranges the bedclothes, then places his hand under

his chin, and wrinkles his brow. Remains that way

until he is disturbed by a knock at the door_

MRS. FENNESSEY (_opens, and holds the door ajar_)

There's a gentleman wants to see you.

PATCHA

Who is he? What is he like, and where does he come

from?

MRS. FENNESSEY

How do I know where he comes from? He wanted to

know if Napoleon lived here and I told him there was

no one livin' here at present but one Patcha Cremin.

Sure, that's who I mean, says he. Are you Napoleon?

PATCHA

Yes, I'm Napoleon.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Glory be to the Lord! What a purty name they got

for you!

PATCHA

Did he say who he was?

MRS. FENNESSEY

He said he was an old friend of yours.

PATCHA

I wonder can it be the Duke of Wellington? Dannux

Touhy, I mean.

MRS. FENNESSEY

Touhy! Touhy! That's the name. Will I send him

up?

PATCHA

Do if you please, ma'am.

[_Mrs. Fennessey leaves the room, and in a short time

Dannux Touhy enters._

DANNUX (_as he shakes hands with Patcha_)

Well, well! 'Tis real glad that I am to see you. Sure

I didn't expect to find my old friend Napoleon in the

town of Ballinflask this blessed day. And I've heard

that Boulanger is here also. Is that so?

PATCHA

It is so, then. And he'll be as surprised as myself to

find the Duke of Wellington here before him when he

arrives.

DANNUX

What makes you be in bed at this hour of the day? Is

it the way that you're sick?

PATCHA

Not in the body, thank God, but in the mind and

heart.

DANNUX

And why don't you get up and dress yourself, and

go for a good long country walk?

PATCHA

I can't.

DANNUX

Why?

PATCHA

Sit down and I'll tell you. (_Dannux sits on a chair_)

Last night as I was goin' to sleep, a knock came to the

door, and when I said: "Who's there?" a voice

answered back and said: "Boulanger." "Come in,"

says I. And lo and behold, who should walk in the

door but Nedsers Brophy, himself. And of course,

he had the usual poor mouth. He couldn't get a job

in the town because he is such a poor mechanic no one

would be bothered with him.

DANNUX

I'm not surprised at it. Sure he was never more than

a botch at his best.