Of course I'm a bachelor. Who'd be bothered with
the likes of me for a husband. Sure, I wouldn't raise
my hand to a woman in a thousand years, and what
do women care about a man unless he can earn lots
of money and leather the devil out of them when they
don't behave themselves?
LOGAN
That's true. And when a man hasn't any money to
give his wife, the next best thing to do is to give her a
good beatin'.
FALVEY
That's what my father used to say. But 'tis the lucky
thing for me all the same that I'm not married, an'
that I strayed into a house like this to-day. Yet I
don't think 'tis a bit fair for me to be wearin' your
fine coat and you wearin' mine. You don't look a
bit comfortable in it.
LOGAN
I feel comfortable, and far more comfortable than you
can imagine; and after all that's what matters. Every
eye forms its own beauty, and when the heart is
young, it doesn't matter how old you are.
FALVEY
That's true! That's true! But 'tis the dacent man
you are, nevertheless, and 'tisn't the likes of you that
a poor man like myself meets every day.
LOGAN
No, and it may be a long time again before you will
meet another like me. But be that as it may, I must
be going now, so here's a shillin' for you and go to the
barber's next door and have a shave before startin'
to look for work. (_Hands shilling_) Good-by.
FALVEY
Good-by, God bless you and long life to you.
[_Exit Logan. Enter an old friend._
GARRET DEVLIN (_walks slowly and takes the newspaper
from the table, looks at the clock_)
Only half-past ten, and damn the bit to do. Ah,
me! ah, me! One bloody day like another!
[_Sits on the chair and yawns. Knocks for the publican.
Enter Driscoll._
DRISCOLL
Good mornin', Garret. Anythin' new to-day?
DEVLIN
Yes, I have good news this mornin'.
DRISCOLL
An' what is it?
DEVLIN
Oh, not much, only that a grand-uncle of mine is
after dyin' in America and leavin' me a fortune of a
hundred thousand pounds.
DRISCOLL (_sceptically_)
That's a terrible responsibility for a poor man to have
thrust upon him. What are you going to do with it at
all?
DEVLIN
Well, I was thinkin' of buyin' a new suit of clothes and
dividin' what's left between the poor of the town, the
Sisters of Charity, and the Salvation Army.
DRISCOLL
Wisha, I'm sick and tired of hearin' old yarns like
that. I suppose 'tis the way that you want a half
a glass of whiskey and haven't the price of it.
DEVLIN
How dare you insinuate such a thing. (_Places a sovereign
on the table_) Give me a half a whiskey and no
more old talk out of you.
DRISCOLL
And where did you get all that money?
DEVLIN
That's my business. I got it from the captain in the
Salvation Army when I told him how much money I
was goin' to give him by and by.
DRISCOLL
Well, that's the first and last donation you'll ever
get from the Salvation Army. Sure, if you got all
the money that was to be left to you since I knew you
first, you'd be buildin' libraries all over the world like
Carnegie to advertise your vanity.
DEVLIN
'Tis nothin' to you whether I will build libraries or
public houses for the poor when I'll get all the money
that's comin' to me.
DRISCOLL
Ah, wisha, I'm about sick and tired of hearin' all the
things you're going to do.
DEVLIN (_crossly_)
I don't give a damn whether you are or not. Go and
get me the whiskey, or I'll get it elsewhere.
DRISCOLL (_plausibly_)
Very well, very well! I'll get you the whiskey.
[_Exit._
DEVLIN (_to Falvey, who is still eating his loaf of bread_)
Good mornin', stranger.
FALVEY
Good mornin' and good luck, sir.
DEVLIN
'Tis a fine mornin'.
FALVEY
A glorious mornin', thank God.
DEVLIN
Is that your breakfast that you're eatin'?
FALVEY
Indeed it is, stranger, and maybe my dinner and
supper too.
DEVLIN
'Tis the hell of a thing to be poor.
FALVEY
Sure 'tis myself that knows it.
DEVLIN
And 'tis as bad to be rich and not to be able to get
any of your money like myself.
FALVEY
There's trouble in everythin', but no respect for the
poor.
DEVLIN
None whatever! none whatever! And no greater
misfortune could befall a man than to be poor and
honest at the same time. But all the same I'll be a
millionaire when my money comes from America.
FALVEY
America must be a great country. One man is as
good as another there, I believe.
DEVLIN
So they say, when both of them have nothin'. (_Looking
hard at the stranger_) Tell me, haven't I seen
you somewhere before? What's that your name is?
FALVEY
My name is Bernard Falvey, and I come from Ballinore.
DEVLIN
Well, well, to be sure, and I'm Garret Devlin, your
mother's first cousin! Who'd ever think of meetin'
you here. The world is a small place after all!
FALVEY
It must be fifteen or more years since last we met.
DEVLIN
Every day of it. And what have you been doing
since? I'd hardly know you at all, the way you have
changed.
FALVEY
Workin' when I wasn't idle and idle when I wasn't
workin', but in trouble all the time.
DEVLIN
You're like myself. I too only exchange one kind of
trouble for another. When I got married I had to
live with the wife's mother for two years, and when
she died, I had to support my widowed sister-in-law's
three children. And when they were rared and fit
to be earnin' for themselves and be a help to me, they
got drowned. Then my poor wife lost her senses, and I
haven't had peace or ease ever since. She thinks that
she is the Queen of England, and that I'm the King.
FAVLEY
An' have you no children?
DEVLIN
One boy.
FALVEY
An' what does he do for a livin'?
DEVLIN
He's a private in the militia, and his mother thinks
he's the Prince of Wales.
FALVEY
God help us all, but 'tis the queer things that happen
to the poor.
DEVLIN
An' what are you doin' in these parts?
FALVEY
Lookin' for work.
DEVLIN
An' that itself is the worst kind of hardship. I don't
think that there's much doin' these times for the
natives, not to mention the strangers, though 'tis
the strangers get the pickings wherever they go.
We'll have a look at the newspaper and see what's
doin' anyway. (_Reads from the advertisement columns_)
"Wanted a respectable man, to act as a coachman to
His Lordship the Bishop. He must have a good appearance,
have sober habits, and a knowledge of
horses and the ways of the clergy."
That won't do.
"Wanted, a young man of dashing appearance, with
a good vocabulary to act as travelling salesman, must
be well recommended, and have a thorough knowledge
of the dry goods business."
That won't do either.
"Wanted, a middle-aged man to act as companion to
an invalid. He must have a knowledge of French and
German, and be able to play the violin."
That won't do.
"Wanted a man to make himself generally useful at
an undertaker's establishment. Apply to Michael
Cassily. William O'Brien St."
Bedad, but that's the very job for you.
FALVEY
But how am I to get it?
DEVLIN
I'll give you a letter of introduction to Micky Cassily.
He's an old friend of mine.
FALVEY
Sure, that would be a great thing entirely.
DEVLIN
Wait now, and I'll make a man of you, and if you
should ever become Lord Mayor of Cork or Dublin,
you must not forget me.
FALVEY
Indeed, I'll never be able to forget this blessed day,
and the kindness of the people I have met in Castlemorgan.
[_Knocks for the publican, and walks up and down;
when the publican enters, he assumes an air of great
importance._
DRISCOLL
What's the matter?
DEVLIN
I want you to oblige me with a few sheets of note
paper, a bottle of ink, and a writin' pen.
DRISCOLL
And what do you want them for?
DEVLIN
To write a letter of introduction for this poor man
here. He's lookin' for work, and I want to help him
to get it.
DRISCOLL
Then I'll give them to you with pleasure.
[_Exit._
DEVLIN
You needn't worry any more. I'll get a job for you.
Micky and myself are old friends. He buried my
father and mother and all belongin' to me. And
although I do say it myself, there isn't a better undertaker
from here to Dublin. He's as good a judge of a
dead man as any one you ever met, and could measure
the size of a coffin without using the tape at all.
[_Enter Driscoll._
DRISCOLL (_as he places writing materials on the table_)
Here's the writing material, and may good luck attend
you.
DEVLIN
Thank you, very much. (_To Falvey_) Now to business.
[_They both sit at the table, and Devlin commences to
write._
Deadwoman's Hill,
Goulnaspurra.
Dear Mr. Cassily:
I have the hon--how's that you spell honour?--h-o-n-n-o-u-r,
of course. Yes, that's right. I have the
honour, and likewise the _(pauses)_ unprecedented--that's
not an easy word to spell--u-n-p-r-ee-s-c-ee-d-e-n-t-e-d--that
wasn't such a hard word after all,
and it looks fine in print _(repeats)_ unprecedented and
the great pleasure--that spells p-l-e-a-s-u-r--of introducing,
that's a stumbler of a word,--i-n-t-r-d--_(to
Falvey)_ Can you spell the rest of it?
FALVEY
i-n-t-e-r-w-e-i-n--
DEVLIN
No. That's not right. We had better call Bill
Driscoll. Are you there, Bill?
[_Enter Driscoll._
DRISCOLL
What's the matter?
DEVLIN
We want you to spell "introducing."
DRISCOLL (_wiping a pint measure_)
With pleasure. _(Confidently)_ i-n-t-u-r-d-e-w-c-i-n-g.
DEVLIN
Are you sure that is right?
DRISCOLL
Of course I am. What do you think I went to school
for?
DEVLIN
Very well, I'll take your word for it. But stay here
awhile, because we may want your assistance soon
again. This is an important matter, and we must
give all our attention to it. I have the honor and
likewise the unprecedented and the great pleasure of
introducing to you a cousin of my own on my mother's
side, one Barney Falvey. He is a man of many and
n-e-w-m-e-r-o-w-s. _(To Driscoll)_ Isn't that right?
DRISCOLL
That's all right. Proceed.
DEVLIN
--numerous a-c-o-m-p-l-i-s-h-m-e-n-t-s. That sounds
wrong, doesn't it?
DRISCOLL
It sounds wrong, but let it go. No one will ever notice
the mistake, when we can't find it out ourselves.
DEVLIN
He has an i-n-g-a-n-o-s turn of mind, and can do all
kinds of hard or easy work. He can p-l-o-w a field,
milk a cow, mind childer, and make nearly every
thing from a bird cage, a mousetrap, or a snuff box,
to a coffin. He is w-i-l-i-n, o-b-l-i-g-i-n, and can put
up with all kinds of abuse. He can look i-n-o-s-c-e-n-t
or guilty, as the occasion may require and will, I'm
sure, and certain, taking his accomplishments all
round, prove to be the very man you are lookin' for
to fill the v-a-k-a-n-c-y in your highly respected
e-s-t-a-b-1-i-shment. Anythin' you can do for him
will be considered a personal f-a-v-o-u-r by your old
and e-s-t-e-a-m-ed friend,
Garret Devlin.
_[He reads it over again aloud_.
"Deadwoman's Hill,
Goulnaspurra.
"Dear Mr. Cassily:
"I have the honour and likewise the unprecedented
and great pleasure of introducin' to you a cousin of
my own on my mother's side, one Barney Falvey. He
is a man of many parts and numerous accomplishments.
He has an ingenious turn of mind and can do
all kinds of hard and easy work. He can plow a field,
milk a cow, mind childer, and make nearly everythin'
from a bird cage, a mousetrap, or a snuff box, to
a coffin. He is willin' and obligin' and can put up
with all kinds of abuse. He can look innocent or
guilty as the occasion may require, and will, I am
certain and confident, taking his accomplishments all
round, prove to be the very man you are lookin' for
to fill the vacancy in your highly respected establishment.
Anythin' that you can do for him will be considered
a personal favour by your old and esteemed
friend,
"Garret Devlin."
That's a great letter. Be God, sure 'twould nearly
get the job for myself. But it would never do for one
of my social standin' to take such a position in this
town.
FALVEY
'Tis a great thing to be able to put so many words
together on paper. And 'tis the wonderful gift to
have surely. A man that could write like you should
be a secretary to the Lord Lieutenant himself, or
writin' sermons for the Pope of Rome.
DEVLIN
Now, no more old palaver, talk is cheap, but it takes
money to buy whiskey. Look as smart as you can
(_hands letter_), and deliver this letter before it's too
late. There's nothin' like doin' things with despatch
when you're in a hurry. Wait, your face is none too
clean. Where's your handkerchief? _(Hands him an
old dirty handkerchief. He drains the dregs of a pewter
pint on the handkerchief, and wipes his face with it.
Then he looks at Falvey's boots_) Glory be to God!
but you're a very careless man! When did you clean
these boots last?
FALVEY
Wisha, who could keep boots clean upon the dirty
roads.
[_Takes off his old hat and wipes his boots with it_
DEVLIN
That's better. Now take off that old tie, and I'll
give you mine. But you must return it to me when
you get the job. It belonged to my grandfather, and
it always brought luck to the family.
[_They exchange ties, and Devlin's toilet is completed by
brushing the legs of his old trousers with a sweeping
brush._
DEVLIN _(looking at him approvingly)_
If you always kept yourself as respectable lookin' as
that, you would never want for work, I'm thinkin'.
FALVEY _(looking at himself in an old mirror_)
There's somethin' in what you say. Sure my mother
always told me I was the best lookin' in the family.
DEVLIN
That may be, but your beauty isn't of the fatal kind.
(_Shaking hands with him_) Good luck now, and I'll
wait here until you'll return.
FALVEY
God bless you, God bless you, I'll be back as soon
as I can.
[_Exit._
DEVLIN (_knocks and orders another half of whiskey_)
Another half one. That letter took a lot out of me.
DRISCOLL
Literature, they say, is always a great strain on a
man's vitality. I was offered a job as proof reader on
a newspaper one time, but my friends advised me not
to take it.
DEVLIN
Your friends were wise. Stayin' up at night is bad
for any man. 'Tis hard enough to be up in the mornin'
without bein' up at night as well.
DRISCOLL _(places drink on table_)
That's true.
[_Exit. A man of about forty-five enters, with a pint of
porter in his hand. He sits near Devlin_.
BARRY NAGLE
Good mornin', stranger.
DEVLIN
Good mornin'.
NAGLE
'Tis a fine day for this time of year.
DEVLIN
This would be a fine day for any part of the year.
NAGLE
Fine weather is the least of the good things that the
poor is entitled to.
DEVLIN
The poor have their wants, of course, but the rich,
bad luck and misfortune to them one and all, have
their troubles also, because they don't know what
they want, the discontented, lazy, good-for-nothin'
varmints. May they all perish be their own folly
before the world or their money comes to an end.
NAGLE
'Tis only the poor who knows how bad the rich are.
And only the rich that can be hard on the poor. Have
you a match, if you please?
DEVLIN (_handing a box_)
You'll find plenty in that.
NAGLE
All the comfort some of us have in this world is a
smoke, that's when we have the tobacco, of course.
DEVLIN
There'll be smokin' enough in the next world, they
say, but that's cold comfort to a man without the
fillin's of a pipe or a match to light it.
NAGLE
'Tis a great misfortune to be born at all.
DEVLIN
That's what I've often been thinkin'. And many's
the time I've cursed the day that my father met my
mother. (_Sadly_) 'Twould be better for us all in spite
of what the clergy say that we were all Protestants,
or else died before we came to the use of reason.
But things might be worse.
NAGLE
Trouble comes to us all, and 'tis a consolation to
know that the King must die as well as the beggar.
Think of me, and I after losin' my return ticket to
Carlow, and I must be there to-night even if I have
to walk every step of the way.
DEVLIN
And haven't you the price of your ticket?
NAGLE
The devil a penny at all have I, and unless I can sell
my watch to buy my ticket with, I'll lose my job, and
then my wife and family must go to the workhouse.
DEVLIN
God himself seems to be no friend of the poor. That
was a terrible calamity to befall a stranger. How
much will your ticket cost?
NAGLE
Ten shillin's, and I'm willin' to part with my watch
for that triflin' sum, though 'twas my poor father's,
rest his soul. (_Holds watch in his hand_) Look at it,
'tis as fine a timepiece as eyes ever rested on. A solid
silver watch, and a chain of solid gold, and all for ten
shillin's. And history enough attached to it to write
a book.
DEVLIN
'Tis a bargain surely.
NAGLE
A man wearin' a watch and chain like that would get
credit anywhere he'd be known, though 'twould be
no use to a stranger.
DEVLIN
Leave me see how 'twould look on me. (_The stranger
hands him the watch, and Devlin adjusts it to his vest
front, walks up and down the room, and looks in the
glass_) Bedad, but you're right. It does make a man
feel good, and maybe better than he is.
NAGLE
A man walkin' into a friend's house with ornamentation
on him like that would get the lend of anythin'.
DEVLIN (_confidently_)
I believe he would.
NAGLE
Indeed you may say so.
DEVLIN
And you'll sell it for ten shillin's.
NAGLE
Yes, if you'll be quick about it, because I must catch
the train and get home as soon as I can.
DEVLIN
Does it keep good time?
NAGLE
'Tis the best timekeeper that ever was.
DEVLIN (_places watch to his ear_)
It has a good strong tick, anyway. I'll give you the
ten shillin's for it. Here you are.
NAGLE (_takes the money_)
Thank you kindly, though it nearly breaks my heart
to part with it.
DEVLIN
Life is made up of comin' and goin', and what we lose
to-day we may gain to-morrow, and lose again the
next day.
NAGLE
One man's loss is another man's profit, and that's how
the world keeps movin'.
DEVLIN
True. And there's no use in being alive unless we
can help each other. Sure 'tis for each other, and
not by each other, that we should live.
NAGLE
'Pon my word, but to know how to live is the greatest
problem of all.
DEVLIN
That's so. Sometimes 'tis foolish to be wise and other
times 'tis wise to be foolish, but the sensible man will
always look out for himself and let his friends look
after his enemies.
NAGLE
Every word you say is true, but I must be goin' or I'll
lose the train. So I'll bid you good-by and good luck.
DEVIN
Good day and good luck to you also. (_Exit Nagle_)
The stranger was right. A man with a watch and
chain like this, and able to tell every one the time of
day, could get as much on his word as he'd want.
[_Buttons his coat and takes up the newspaper, sits in
the chair and commences to read. He is soon disturbed
by the entrance of Bernard Falvey, Michael Cassily,
two policemen, and several of the townspeople_.
FIRST POLICEMAN (_pointing to Devlin_)
Is this the man who gave you the letter of introduction?
FALVEY
That's the man who has brought all this trouble on
me, but I'm as innocent as the babe unborn of the
charge of burglary.
FIRST POLICEMAN
Hold your tongue, I say. What greater proof could
we have than the torn coat which you're wearin'?
FALVEY
I tell you that I got this coat from a stranger I met
in this house, this mornin'.
FIRST POLICEMAN
And sure you're the one who can look innocent, believe
me. But this won't be much good to you when
you go before the magistrates. Now we'll deal with
your partner. (_Places his hand on Devlin's shoulder_)
I must arrest you on suspicion for being an accomplice
of this strange man here who broke into Mr. Michael
Cassily's establishment last night, and stole five pound
notes, two silver candlesticks and a silver watch and
golden chain.
DEVLIN
Is it madness that has come upon the crowd of you?
Me that never stole anythin' in my life, to be accused
of robbin' from a dacent man like Michael Cassily!
SECOND POLICEMAN
Search him, constable.
FIRST POLICEMAN
Of course, I will. (_He opens his coat, finds the watch
and chain, takes it off, hands it to Michael Cassily_)
Is that yours?
CASSILY
Yes, constable, that's the watch and chain that was
stolen from my house this mornin'.
FIRST POLICEMAN
What have you to say for yourself now?
DEVLIN
Nothin', only that I paid ten shillin's to a stranger
less than half an hour ago.
FIRST POLICEMAN
And where did you get the ten shillin's, you that
haven't had ten shillin's of your own altogether for
ten years, but always borrowin' money and tellin' the
people that you are goin' to inherit a fortune from
America?
DEVLIN
Tis the truth I'm tellin' you.
FIRST POLICEMAN
Nonsense, nonsense. What greater proof could we
have of your guilt? This man here who you gave the
letter of introduction is a stranger to the town and
the piece of cloth that Mr. Cassily found hangin' on
a nail in his back porch after the burglary was committed,
is the piece of cloth that is missin' from this
man's coat. (_Fits the piece of cloth_) And we have
found the identical watch and chain on your own
person.
SECOND POLICEMAN
'Twas a clever scheme of the pair of them and no
doubt about it.
CASSILY
I never thought that any one could add insult to
injury in such a manner. I was always a friend to
you, Garret Devlin, and you tried to get this man
who had already robbed me, a position in my establishment
so that he could rob me all the more.
FALVEY
As sure as my great-grandfather is dead and gone, I
tell you that I got this coat from a stranger in this
very house.
DEVLIN
And as sure as the devil has paid a visit this blessed
day to Castlemorgan, I tell you I bought that watch
and chain from a stranger also. William Driscoll
will prove that there were two such men in his
house.
FIRST POLICEMAN
If William Driscoll says a word in your defence, he'll
be arrested on suspicion also. (_To the publican_) What
have you to say?
DRISCOLL
Not a word, constable, not a word. I know nothin'
at all about the matter except readin' the account of
the dreadful affair in the mornin' paper.
[_First policeman places the handcuffs on both, and
walks them towards the door_.
DEVLIN
What's goin' to happen to us at all, at all?
FIRST POLICEMAN
The judge will tell you that at the next assizes.
CURTAIN
* * * * *
MATCHMAKERS
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
CHARACTERS
DONAL CORCORAN _A farmer_
MARY ELLEN CORCORAN _Wife of Donal Corcoran_
KITTY CORCORAN _Daughter of Ellen and Donal Corcoran_
DENIS DELAHUNTY _A farmer_
ANASTATIA DEALHUNTY _Wife of Denis Delahunty_
CONSTABLE DUNLEA _A member of the R. I. C._
MATCHMAKERS
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
_Place: An island off the West coast of Ireland_.
_Scene: Interior of Donal Corcoran's house. Donal and
his wife seated in two comfortable armchairs by the parlour
fire. The parlour is well furnished, and Kitty is busy dusting,
as visitors are expected. Donal is a man of about
fifty-six years, and his wife is a little younger. Donal is
reading a copy of the Galway Examiner, and his wife is
knitting a stocking_.
DONAL (_as he stretches the paper in front of him. With a
look of surprise_)
Glory be to God!
MRS. CORCORAN (_who does not notice his attitude or expression_)
Amen!
DONAL (_holds the paper with one hand, and brushes the
hair from his forehead with the other_)
Is it the way that I'm dreamin', or losin' my senses?
Or is it the way I have no senses to lose?
MRS. CORCORAN _(looking up from her knitting_)
Wisha, what's the matter, at all? Did any one die and
leave you a fortune?
DONAL
Who the devil would die and leave me anything?
when I have no one belongin' to me but poor relations.
Bad luck to them, and they only waitin' for myself
to die, so that they could have what I worked and
slaved for all those long and weary years. But 'tisn't
much there will be for any one after Kitty gets her
dowry. What's left will be little enough for ourselves,
I'm thinkin'.
MRS. CORCORAN
But what have you seen in the newspaper?
DONAL (_reads_)
Baronetcy for the chairman of the Innismore Board
of Guardians. His Majesty the King has been
pleased to confer a Royal favour on the worthy and
exemplary Denis Delahunty, who in future will be
known as Sir Denis Delahunty, Bart., in recognition
of his services to the people of Innismore. It was
with a feelin' of pride and admiration that--
MRS. CORCORAN (_as she drops the stocking on the floor,
lifts the spectacles from her nose, and places them on
her brow_)
The Lord protect and save us all! Is it the truth,
I wonder?
DONAL (_handing paper_)
See for yourself, woman.
MRS. CORCORAN (_grabs the paper and scans it with interest_)
Sure enough, there it is, then, with five lines of large
black letters and two columns of small letters besides,
and his photograph as well. (_To Kitty_) Look Kitty,
darlin', look. There 'tis all. Sit down and read it
aloud for us. 'Twill sound better that way.
KITTY (_takes the paper and smiles. Falls on a chair nearly
overcome with laughter. The parents look on in amazement_)
Sir Denis Delahunty! (_Laughs heartily_)
DONAL
What are you laughin' at? You impudent hussy!
KITTY (_still laughing_)
Sir Denis Delahunty, Bart., my dear!