Try a little drop of the spirits, Sergeant, as there
isn't a drop of water to be had. The plumbers are
working at the pipes.
SERGEANT (_softly_)
Bad luck to them for plumbers. They are always a
nuisance. (_Before putting glass to his lips_) I suppose
I must take it, because I am dry as a bona-fide traveller.
(_He finishes it all in one drink_) It doesn't taste
too bad after all, and water at its best isn't much
good for one who must do a lot of talking. I'll have
a little more, if you please.
MR. O'CROWLEY
You can't have any more, Sergeant. That would be
abusing your privilege.
SERGEANT HEALY (_softly_)
Alright, your Worship. When a man's as full of the
law as meself, 'tis hard to remember when he's privileged.
[_The sergeant recovers and the case proceeds._
BRENNAN CASSIDY (_for Mr. Fennell_)
On behalf of my client, Mr. Fennell, I wish to point
out the absurdity of the charges brought against him.
For no reason whatever and without a moment's
warning, the sergeant rushed into his house without
an invitation or observing the laws of common propriety
by ringing the bell, and ruthlessly placed handcuffs
on Mr. Fennell and marched him off to prison
like a common felon. And not a shadow of evidence
as to misbehavior against him except the statements
of his wife about the breaking of some furniture.
Now, let us suppose that Mr. Fennell did break the
furniture. Was not that his own affair? The furniture
was his property, and he could do with it as he
pleased. Perhaps he did not like the manner in which
it was designed, and Mr. Fennell, mistaking his aversion
for things not in keeping with his artistic ideals,
came to the conclusion that he was only on a voyage
of destruction when he merely was proving how little
of the philistine there was in his nature by removing
from his home such articles as did not harmonize with
his conception of the beautiful. The fact that the
whole affair happened so hastily only goes to prove
that Mr. Fennell has the artistic temperament.
MRS. FENNELL
The artistic temperament, my dear! What next!
MR. CASSIDY
The idea of doing away with the furniture, which Mr.
Fennell emphatically states he disliked,--and what
greater proof of the fact could we have than his action
in destroying it?--came to him like an inspiration, and
being a true artist he seized the opportunity, and the
world was made all the lovelier by the riddance of ugly
things. I think, in fact, I know that I have proved
that the charge of house-breaking is absurd. (_Takes
out his watch, holds it in the palm of his left hand_)
This watch is mine, and if I should choose to smash it
into a thousand fragments, who is there to prevent
me? What power has the law over such matters?
None whatever. Well, it would be just as ridiculous
and absurd to punish my client for smashing his own
furniture, which he purchased with his own hard
earned money, as to punish me for smashing this
watch if I should feel like doing so. (_Applause, which
is suppressed_) To charge Mr. Fennell with drinking
poteen is equally absurd. He does not know what
poteen tastes like. The idea of taking a decanter and
a bottle of whiskey out of any gentleman's house
without his permission is tyranny of the very worst
kind. It is a grievous offence in the eyes of the law
as well as a breach of etiquette. What, might I ask,
would happen if any of us were to break into His
Worship's hotel and steal, or take if you will, some
choice samples of his wines? Would we not find ourselves
in a prison cell? Most assuredly we would,
and what's more, our good name would be gone forever.
The finger of scorn would be pointed at our
children and our children's children, and posterity
would never forget us.
MRS. FENNELL
'Tis only worse he's getting.
PETER DWYER
Order, order.
MR. CASSIDY
There is only one course for the Bench to adopt, and
that is to discharge Mr. Fennell. He has already
suffered enough and any one with such a ballyragging,
unreasonable, unladylike, and headstrong wife deserves
our sympathy.
MR. FENNELL (_with indignation_)
Mr. Cassidy, sir. How dare you stand up there in
my presence and insult my wife! You're no gentleman,
sir. Remember when you offend my wife, you
offend me. Do you hear that?
MR. O'CROWLEY
This conduct is obstreperonious, Mr. Fennell. Mr.
Cassidy is a gentleman, and he must not be either
insulted or interrupted, while he is judiciously discharging
the duties of his high office.
MRS. FENNELL (_sighs_)
Oh, God help us! The world must be turned upside
down when a lawyer can be a gentleman.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Hold your tongue, woman, or I'll order you to be
arrested for contempt of court.
MR. FENNELL
The next man who says a word to my wife must fight
me.
[_Buttons his coat_.
PHELAN DUFFY (_to the magistrates_)
The Bench must make due allowances for the excitement
of the moment.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Of course, of course, Mr. Duffy, but we must not
have a reoccurrence of such conduct.
MR. FENNELL
Meself and herself pulled together all these long years,
and I'll be damned if I'll allow any one to say a word
to her.
[_Mrs. Fennell places a handkerchief to her eyes and
commences to cry_.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Order, order, this is a court of justice, and the case
must proceed without further interruption or the
strictest measures of the law will be adhered to.
(_Pauses, speaks to the police_) Any one who interrupts
me while I'm speaking must be ejected from the
court.
SERGEANT HEALY
Your Worship's orders will be obeyed.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Now, it was with the greatest of interest that I have
listened to the speeches pro and con for the prisoner
and never before or since have I heard such logic
and eloquence as was used in this court of justice
to-day. I am nearly sure, in fact I'm certain, that
since the days when Marcus Anthony delivered his
matchless orations before the proud and haughty
Egyptians, did such wisdom flow from the lips of any
man. By the judicious application of words and logic
we have learnt what uses can be made of the law of
the land, and though our reason may convince us
and our conscience too, that right is right and wrong
is wrong, yet, the law's the law for all that, and we
are Justices of the Peace and must respect the law
and abide by it. Mr. Duffy has clearly proved to us
how drink, especially bad and illegal drink, like poteen,
can change a man from a law-abiding, self-respecting,
and obedient husband into a demon and a housebreaker.
And Mr. Cassidy has also clearly proven
on the other hand how that same drink can change a
man from the ordinary humdrum things of life and
turn his mind to noble ideals, and make of him an
artist and an inspired one at that. Now science has
proved to us that in every one man there are two
men,--the artist, if I might be permitted to use the
term, and the house-breaker. But as the two men are
only one man, and the artist is the better of the two,
then to the artist let us pay our respects, and dismiss
the charge of house-breaking.
MRS. FENNELL (_sadly_)
Ah, God help us! The town will be full of artists
when the militia comes home.
MR. O'CROWLEY
The charge of house-breaking then will be dismissed,
but I must impose a heavy fine and sentence for using
the illegal intoxicant, poteen.
MR. CASSIDY
Will your Worship be good enough before passing
sentence to make sure that the liquor is poteen?
MR. O'CROWLEY
We have it on the testimony of the sergeant that it is
poteen.
MR. CASSIDY
But with all due respect to the court, we cannot convict
any one on such evidence. What does the sergeant
know about poteen?
SERGEANT HEALY (_indignantly_)
What do I know about poteen, is it? How dare you,
sir? Was there a better maker of poteen in the
County Cork than my own father, rest his soul!
MR. O'CROWLEY
Now, isn't that evidence enough for you? Does the
sergeant look like a man who doesn't know the difference
between a good and a bad drop of whiskey?
MR. CASSIDY (_sarcastically_)
I beg your Worship's pardon. But my client states
that the evidence is insufficient, and if he should be
convicted, he will bring the case before the Four
Courts of Dublin.
SERGEANT HEALY
He can bring it to the four courts of--Jericho, if he
likes, but that stuff in the bottle is poteen all the
same.
MARTIN O'FLYNN
As Mr. Fennel is so dogmatic about this liquor not
being poteen, why does he not tell us where and from
whom he purchased it? (_To the sergeant_) Are you
sure, Sergeant Healy, that this liquor is poteen?
SERGEANT HEALY
As well as I remember the taste of it, your Worship,
it is. But perhaps 'twould be better to make sure
and try again.
MARTIN O'FLYNN
Try again, then.
SERGEANT HEALY
Very well.
[_Pours out a little and drinks it, smacks his lips, but
says nothing_.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Well, Sergeant, what is it?
MARTIN O'FLYNN
Is it or is it not poteen?
SERGEANT HEALY
I don't get the flavor of it yet.
[_Takes another drop_.
MR. O'CROWLEY
What is it, Sergeant, poteen or just bad whiskey?
SERGEANT HEALY
Bedad, 'tis hard to tell. Sometimes I think 'tis poteen,
and sometimes I think it isn't. But whatever it is, it
isn't so good as the stuff me poor father used to brew.
Maybe the constable could tell us. He comes from
Castletownballymacreedy, where they make the best
poteen in Ireland.
_[Hands a glassful to the constable._
CONSTABLE O'RYAN (_after drinking_)
There's not a shadow of a doubt about it being
poteen, your Worship, and as fine a drop as I have
tasted for many a long day.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Are you satisfied now, Mr. Cassidy?
MR. CASSIDY
I think it would be as well to have the opinion of some
one else.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Constable McCarthy, let you take a toothful out of
that decanter and tell us what it is.
CONSTABLE MCCARTHY
Though I am a League of the Cross man, I suppose as
a matter of duty I must break me pledge.
[_Pours out a glassful and drinks._
MR. O'CROWLEY
Well, what is it?
CONSTABLE MCCARTHY
Poteen, your Worship.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Now we have conclusive evidence that this liquor is
poteen, and no more serious charge could be brought
against any man than to be found guilty of using such
obnoxious stuff by a court of justice. As with the law
of nature, so with the law of the land. He who transgresses
any of nature's laws gets duly punished according
to the nature of his offence. And so also
with the law of the country. Mr. Fennell must be
punished, and his punishment must serve as an
example to others and--
MR. CASSIDY
I beg your Worship's pardon. We do not always get
punished for disobeying the laws of nature. Nature's
strongest force is self-assertion, and excessive self-assertion
is vanity, and vanity is sinful, and--
MARTIN O'FLYNN
You must excuse me interrupting you, Mr. Cassidy,
but that train of argument cannot be followed here.
We have proved that poteen was found in the prisoner's
house, and if he did not make it himself, where
then did he get it from?
MR. CASSIDY
Mr. Fennel emphatically denies having anything to
do with the making of the liquor found on his premises.
And so far it has not been proved to either his
or my satisfaction that the intoxicant is poteen.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Does your client mean for a moment to cast a reflection
on the police of this town, and insinuate that they
don't know what poteen is?
MR. CASSIDY
We are not satisfied with the decision of the police,
your Worship.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Very well then, we'll give it a further test.
[_Gives the decanter to the clerk, Peter Dwyer._
PETER DWYER (_after tasting it_)
If that's not poteen, may I never wet my lips with it
again.
MR. O'CROWLEY (to _Mr. Cassidy_)
Perhaps you are satisfied now.
MR. CASSIDY
No, I am not.
MARTIN O'FLYNN
Well, taste it yourself and tell us what it is.
MR. CASSIDY (_tastes it_)
Whatever it is, it is not poteen.
MARTIN O'FLYNN (_pours out some in a glass_)
I'll soon settle the question. (_Drinks_) That's poteen,
and good poteen too.
MR. CASSIDY
I beg to disagree with your Worship.
MARTIN O'FLYNN
How dare you disagree with me, sir, and I drinking
poteen every day of my life. I'd resign my seat on
the Bench rather than suffer to be insulted in such a
manner again.
MR. CASSIDY
I apologise. Nothing could be further from my
thought than offence.
MARTIN O'FLYNN
I'm glad to hear you say so, because when I said that
the liquor in the decanter was poteen, I knew what I
was talking about. Unless the prisoner tells us how
he procured this illegal drink, he will be imprisoned
for six months.
MR. FENNELL
For six months, is it?
MARTIN O'FLYNN
Yes, for six long months, and you must find bail for
your good behavior at the end of the term for a period
of twelve months.
MR. FENNELL
Well, as you are so anxious to know where I procured
the stuff that you have certified to be poteen, I have
great pleasure in telling you that it was purchased at
Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley's establishment
under the name of Scotch whiskey, and if there
is any doubt about the matter, I can show you some
of his own sealed bottles with the same stuff in them.
MR. O'CROWLEY
The saints protect us! What a vile fabrication!
MRS. FENNELL
Ah, you old hypocrite, 'tis about time that you were
found out.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Place that woman under arrest for contempt of court.
(_Mrs. Fennell is placed in the dock_) Now, Mrs. Fennell,
anything that you will say will be used in evidence
against you, so I warn you to hold your tongue and
keep quiet.
MRS. FENNELL
I'll try and keep quiet, your Worship.
MR. O'CROWLEY
Gentlemen, I regret to state that a mistake has occurred
somewhere, and there's nothing more plentiful
than mistakes. They commenced long ago in the
Garden of Eden, and they are as inevitable as the day
and night, as inevitable, I might say, as America itself.
Yes, some one has blundered, as Napoleon said
when he woke up and found himself a prisoner on St.
Helena. Mr. Fennell, alas! has erred, but to err is
human, and to forgive is divine. We are reasonable
people, and we must treat this matter in a reasonable
manner. The prisoner has stated that he purchased
poteen at my premises, but what reliance can we
place on the word of a man who is addicted to drinking
poteen? None whatever. We have only the prisoner's
word that the poteen was purchased at my
establishment, but the probability is that he was only
suffering from its ill effects when he imagined that I
was the one who supplied it. Though I'm very sorry
indeed to have anything to say against Mr. Fennell,
his word cannot be taken as evidence, and the case
will be dismissed. (_Applause, which is suppressed_)
The dignity of the court must be upheld, and the
next person who applauds will be ejected.
[_Mr. Fennett is dismissed and Mrs. Fennett placed in
the dock. She goes through the usual ordeal of swearing,
and Mr. O'Crowley tries her case._
MR. O'CROWLEY
For contempt of court, Mrs. Fennell, you will be
fined ten pounds, and you will be bound to the peace
for twelve months, and you must give two securities
of fifty pounds each, or go to jail for a term of six
months with hard labor. And anything that you
may say after the sentence of the court has been
passed, of a disparaging nature to the Bench, will be
considered as a necessity for further punishment. I
hope that I have made myself perfectly clear.
MRS. FENNELL
Yes, your Worship, you have made yourself perfectly
clear. (_Starts to cry_) Oh, what will I do at all? Is
there no one to go bail for me? (_Mr. Fennell looks
like one who is trying to come to a decision, and Mrs.
Fennell starts to cry again_) Is it the way that ye'll
be having me taken to the county jail for doing nothing
at all? Oh, wisha, who's going to go bail for me?
Maybe 'tis yourself, Mr. O'Crowley.
MR. FENNELL (_walking up to the dock_)
And I here, is it? Not for likely. I'll go bail for you,
of course.
CURTAIN
* * * * *
MAGNANIMITY
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
CHARACTERS
WILLIAM DRISCOLL _A public-house keeper_
DENNIS LOGAN
BERNARD FALVEY
GARRET DEVLIN
BARRY NAGLE
POLICE AND TOWNSPEOPLE
MAGNANIMITY
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
_Scene: Back parlor of a country public house. The
proprietor, William Driscoll, a man of about fifty with a
very dour expression, sings as he sweeps the floor:_
"Oh, the days are gone, when Beauty bright
My heart's chain wove;
When the dream of life from morn till night
Was love, still love.
New hope may bloom,
And days may come
Of milder, calmer beam,
But there's nothing half so sweet in life
As love's young dream.
No, there's nothing half so sweet in life
As love's young dream."
[_Logan, a stranger, enters._
LOGAN
Good mornin'.
DRISCOLL
Good mornin' and good luck. What can I do for you?
LOGAN
I'll have a glass of the best whiskey.
DRISCOLL
All right, my good man. You shall get it.
[_Exit._
LOGAN (_takes up the morning paper, sits on the table, and
speaks aloud_)
Be the pipers that played the dead march for Moses,
but I'm twice as big a fool as I thought I was.
And knowledge of that sort is cold comfort for any
man. What's this I see here? "Daring burglary in
the town of Castlemorgan. During the early hours
of the morning, the house of Michael Cassily was
broken into, and five pound notes, a gentleman's
watch and a pair of silver candlesticks were stolen.
So far, no arrests have been made, but the police
have every hope of bringing those who committed
the offence to justice, because Mr. Cassily states
that he saw two men leaving by the back entrance,
and found a piece of a coat-tail hanging from a nail
on the porch."
[_He lifts up his coat, and discovers a piece missing from
the tail, and is about to take it off for a closer inspection
when the publican enters with the whiskey._
DRISCOLL (_as he places the whiskey upon the table_)
This is your drink, stranger, and believe me, you
couldn't get a better drop of whiskey in the whole
United Kingdom, not even if you went to the King's
palace itself for it.
LOGAN
'Tis good, you say.
DRISCOLL
None better, and wonderful stuff to put heart into a
man.
LOGAN (_drinks it off_)
'Tis the good flavor it has surely. (_Pauses awhile_)
I think I'll have another, for 'tis plenty of heart I'll
be wantin' before the day goes to its close.
DRISCOLL
'Tis easy to feel plucky in the mornin', but 'tis a
brave man who can feel happy at the heel of day,
especially if he has an uneasy conscience and an
empty stomach.
LOGAN
Hunger plays the devil with us all. A man with an
empty stomach, an empty purse, and an empty house,
except for a scoldin' wife, can never be happy.
DRISCOLL
That's so, but if that's all you have to contend with,
you haven't much to worry about. Sure I thought
by your looks and the way you spoke that you might
have killed a man and had the bloodhounds after
you.
LOGAN
A man's conscience is worse than having bloodhounds
after him, if he has to spend months in idleness through
no fault of his own, and no one to look for sympathy
from but a scoldin' wife.
DRISCOLL
The Lord protect us from scoldin' wives, anyway.
They're the scourge of Hell. But there are worse
things than being married to a wife with no control
over her temper. You might be like the thief who
broke into the house of Michael Cassily and stole his
grandfather's watch and chain and silver candlestick.
LOGAN
And when did all this happen?
DRISCOLL
During the small hours of the mornin'.
LOGAN
That was a damnable thing to do.
DRISCOLL
'Twas more foolish than anythin' else, because, if
Michael Cassily should ever lay hands upon the man
who stole his belongings, he'd shoot at him the way
you'd shoot at a rabbit in a ditch and kill him as dead
as one of Egypt's kings.
LOGAN
The Lord save us! You don't mean what you say.
DRISCOLL
I do, and every word of it. And a sure shot he is too.
Indeed 'tis said that nothing in the sky or on the land
could escape him when he has a gun in his hand.
LOGAN
I heard before comin' to this town that he was a very
quiet and inoffensive man.
DRISCOLL
And so he is a quiet man when he's left alone. But
when his temper is up, the devil himself is a gentleman
to him.
LOGAN
I'll have another glass of whiskey.
[_Exit the publican. While he is away, Logan looks at
the torn part of his coat, and a stranger enters._
BARNARD FALVEY (_saunters into the back kitchen, picks a
piece of wet paper off the floor, and tries to light it at the
fire for the purpose of lighting his pipe, and after several
unsuccessful attempts, he turns to Logan_)
Good mornin', and God bless you, stranger.
LOGAN
Good mornin', kindly.
FALVEY
It looks as though we were goin' to have a spell of
fine weather.
LOGAN
Judgin' by the way the wind is, it would seem so.
FALVEY
'Tis splendid weather for walkin' or tillin' the land.
LOGAN
'Tis good weather for anythin'.
FALVEY
All the same, 'tis a long stretch of a road from here
to Ballinore. How far is it, I wonder?
LOGAN
Twenty miles at least.
FALVEY
Every step of it, and a long road for a man with the
rheumatics and bronchitis too.
LOGAN
And what brought you from Ballinore?
FALVEY
And what would bring any poor man from his native
town but lookin' for work. And that's a hard thing
to be doin' when a man hasn't a friend to help him
towards a job.
LOGAN
A man can always make friends if he wants to.
FALVEY
'Tis no easy thing for a man who hasn't a sleutherin'
tongue and the takin' way with him to make friends,
stranger.
LOGAN
'Tis easy enough to make fine weather friends. But
I suppose a friend isn't worth a damn unless he can
help a man when he's in trouble.
FALVEY
To have a lot of money is the easiest way of makin'
friends. But when a man hasn't either money or the
sleutherin' tongue, he can't expect to have any more
of the world's goods than myself.
LOGAN
And have you no friends at all among all the millions
of people on the face of the earth?
FALVEY
The devil a one ever bothers their head about me but
myself. And what I can do for myself is hardly worth
doin' for any one.
LOGAN
After all, when a man has his health and enough to
eat, he should be contented.
FALVEY
But how could you expect the likes of me to be contented
when I didn't break my fast this blessed day
yet, and all I have in the world is the bit of tobacco
you see in my old pipe, and unless you're not as dacent
as you look, 'tis hungry maybe I'll be until I find a
turnip field before the fall of night.
LOGAN
Would you drink a pint of porter and eat a penny bun?
FALVEY
Indeed I would, and remember the one in my prayers
who'd give them to me.
LOGAN _(knocks and the publican enters)_
Bring this man a pint of porter and give him one of
the penny buns or two that you have on the porter
barrel in the shop.
DRISCOLL
Indeed I will and much good may they do him.
[_Places pint of porter and bread in front of Falvey who
begins to eat and drink_.
FALVEY
God bless your noble soul and may you be long spared
to do good in the world. (_As he eats_) There's no
sauce like hunger, and no friend like the friend in need.
LOGAN
That's true. Now tell me, do you expect to get work
in this town?
FALVEY
'Tis my intention to try.
LOGAN
You'd have as much chance of slippin' into heaven
with your soul as black as a skillet from mortal sins,
unknownst to St. Peter, as you'd have of gettin' a
job with an old coat like that.
FALVEY
And what can I do, God help me, when I have no
other?
LOGAN
I'll swap with you, and then you'll have some chance,
but otherwise you might as well walk back to where
you came from.
FALVEY
But I couldn't take a coat from a strange gentleman
like yourself and have an easy conscience. Sure, this
old coat of mine is only fit to be used for a scarecrow.
LOGAN
You're a fool to be talkin' like that, stranger. Don't
you know that you must take all you can get and give
away as little as you can if you want to be successful
in life?
FALVEY
And why, then, should you be givin' me your coat
when you want it yourself?
LOGAN
You had better say no more, lest I might change my
mind. Sure, 'tis sorry I may be to-night when I'm
facing the cold winds on the lonely roads that I exchanged
my fine warm coat for an old threadbare
garment that a rag man wouldn't give a child a lump
of candy for.
FALVEY
Sure, St. Francis himself couldn't do more, and he
that tore his coat in two and shared it with the beggars.
LOGAN
'Tis easy for a saint of God to be good, when he feels
that he'll be rewarded for his self-sacrifice, but have
no more old talk and give me that old coat of yours,
or if you don't I might change my mind, and then
you'll have plenty of time to regret your foolishness.
FALVEY
Very well, stranger, very well. (_They exchange coats_)
May the Lord spare you all the days you want to
live, and may you never want for anythin' but the
ill wishes of your enemies.
LOGAN
That coat makes you look like a gentleman, and if
you only had a better hat, and a good shave, you
might get some old widow with a small farm to marry
you, if you are a bachelor.