1. _It is desirable that the man with whom you form a connection for
life should possess a_ SOUND BODY. A man of vigorous constitution will
be more capable of struggling with the difficulties and trials of this
world, than one who is weak in body. Yet, such an erroneous system has
been pursued, in the education of the generation just now coming upon
the stage of action, that the health of very few sedentary persons
remains unimpaired. It would, therefore, be cruel selfishness to refuse
to form a connection of this kind, on this ground alone, provided they
have no settled disease upon them. A person of feeble constitution
requires the comfort and assistance of a companion, more than one in
vigorous health. But, it certainly would not be your duty to throw
yourself away upon a person already under the influence of an incurable
disease.
2. REFINEMENT OF MANNERS _is a very desirable quality in a companion for
life._ This renders a person's society more agreeable and pleasant, and
may be the means of increasing his usefulness. Yet it will not answer to
make it a test of character; for it is often the case, that men of the
brightest talents, and of extensive education, who are in every other
respect amiable and worthy, have neglected the cultivation of their
manners; while there are very many, destitute alike of talent and
education, who seem to be adepts in the art of politeness. However,
this may be cultivated. A person of good sense, who appreciates its
importance, may soon acquire a courteous and pleasing address, by
mingling with refined society.
3. A SOUND JUDGMENT is also very necessary, to enable a man to direct
the common affairs of life. However, this may also be cultivated by
experience, and therefore cannot be called indispensable.
4. PRUDENCE _is very desirable._ The rashest youth, however, will learn
prudence by experience. After a few falls, he will look forward before
he steps that he may foresee and shun the evil that is before him; but,
if you choose such a one, take care that you do not fall with him, and
both of you break your necks together.
5. It is a matter of great importance that the person with whom you form
a connection for life, should belong to the same denomination of
Christians with yourself. The separation of a family, in their
attendance upon public worship, is productive of great inconvenience and
perplexity; and there is serious danger of its giving rise to unpleasant
feelings, and becoming an occasion of discord. I think it should be a
very serious objection against any man, that he belongs to a different
communion from yourself. Yet, I dare not say that I would prefer single
life to a connection of this kind.
In addition to these, your own good sense and taste will suggest many
other desirable qualities in a companion for life.
Upon receiving the addresses of a man, your first object should be to
ascertain whether he possesses those prominent traits of character which
you consider indispensable. If he lack any one of these, you have no
further inquiry to make. Inform him openly and ingenuously of your
decision; but spare his feelings as far as you can consistently with
Christian sincerity. He is entitled to your gratitude for the preference
he has manifested for yourself. Therefore, treat him courteously and
tenderly; yet let him understand that your decision is conclusive and
final. If he possess only the feelings of a gentleman, this course will
secure for you his esteem and friendship. But if you are satisfied, with
respect to these prominent traits of character, next look for those
qualities which you consider _desirable_, though not _indispensable_. If
you discover few or none of these, it will be a serious objection
against him. But you need not expect to find them all combined in any
one person. If you seek for a perfect character, you will be
disappointed. In this as well as every other relation of life, you will
need to exercise forbearance. The best of men are compassed about with
imperfection and infirmity. Besides, as you are not perfect yourself, it
would seem like a species of injustice to require perfection in a
companion.
While deciding these points, keep your feelings entirely under control.
Suffer them to have no influence upon your judgment. A Christian should
never be governed by impulse. Many persons have, no doubt, destroyed
their happiness for life, by suffering their feelings to get the better
of their judgment. Make the matter a subject of daily prayer. The Lord
directs all our ways, and we cannot expect to be prospered in anything,
wherein we neglect to acknowledge him, and seek his direction. But, when
you have satisfied yourself, in relation to these things, and the person
whose addresses you are receiving has distinctly avowed his intentions,
you may remove the restraint from your feelings; which, as well as your
judgment, have a deep concern in the affair. A happy and prosperous
union must have for its basis a mutual sentiment of affection, of a
peculiar kind. If you are satisfied that this sentiment exists on his
part, you are to inquire whether you can exercise it towards him. For,
with many persons of great worth, whom we highly esteem, there is often
wanting a certain undefinable combination of qualities, not improperly
termed the _soul of character_; which alone seems to call out the
exercise of that peculiar sentiment of which we are speaking. But I
seriously charge you never to form a connection which is not based upon
this principle; and that, for the following reasons:
1. Such depraved creatures as we are, need the aid of the warmest
affection, to enable us to exercise that mutual forbearance, so
indispensable to the peace and happiness of the domestic circle.
2. That the marriage covenant should be cemented by a principle of a
peculiar kind, will appear from the superiority of the soul over the
body. When two human beings unite their destinies, there must be a union
of soul, or else such union is but partial. And the union of soul must
be the foundation of the outward union, and of course precede it.
3. We may infer the same thing from the existence of such a principle in
the human breast. That it does exist, may be abundantly proved, both by
Scripture and experience. When Adam first saw Eve, he declared the
nature of this union, and added, "For this cause shall a man leave his
father and mother, and cleave unto his wife;" implying that the
affection between the parties to this connection, should be superior to
all other human attachments. The frown of God must then rest upon a
union founded upon any other principle; for by it the order of nature is
contravened, and therefore the blessings of peace and happiness cannot
be expected to attend it.
However, love is not a principle which is brought into existence as it
were by magic. It must always be exercised in view of an object. Do not,
therefore, hastily decide that you cannot love a man who possesses the
prominent traits of character necessary to render you happy. However, be
fully satisfied that such a sentiment of a permanent character, does
really exist in your own bosom, before you consent to a union.
In your ordinary intercourse with gentlemen, much caution should be
observed. Always maintain a dignity of character, and never condescend
to trifle. In your conversation, however, upon general subjects, you
may exercise the same sociability and freedom which you would with
ladies; not seeming to be sensible of any difference of sex. Indignantly
repel any improper liberties; but never decline attentions which are
considered as belonging to the rules of common politeness, unless there
should be something in the character of the individual which would
justify you in wishing wholly to avoid his society. Some men are so
disagreeable in their attentions, and so obtrusive of their company,
that they become a great annoyance to ladies. I think the latter
justifiable in refusing the attentions of such men, till they learn
better manners. Pay the strictest regard to propriety and delicacy, in
all your conduct; yet do not maintain such a cold reserve and chilling
distance, as to produce the impression in the mind of every one you
meet, that you dislike his society. No gentleman of refined and delicate
feelings, will intrude his company upon ladies, when he thinks it is not
desired; and you may create this impression, by carrying the rules of
propriety to the extreme of reserve. But the contrary extreme, of
manifesting an excessive fondness for the society of gentlemen, is still
more to be avoided. By cultivating an acute sense of propriety in all
things, with a nice discrimination of judgment, you will be able
generally to direct your conduct aright in these matters.
Never indulge feelings of partiality for any man until he has distinctly
avowed his own sentiments, and you have deliberately determined the
several points already mentioned. If you do you may subject yourself to
much needless disquietude, and perhaps the most unpleasant
disappointments. And the wounded feeling thus produced, may have an
injurious effect upon your subsequent character and happiness.