penny during his vacation, decided to introduce a new and popular
cyclopaedia into the country districts. Needless to say, he had many
queer and amusing experiences. At one place he found an old farmer
working in the fields.
"I'd like to sell you a new cyclopaedia," said the agent.
"Well, young feller," said the farmer, "I'd like to have one, but I'm
afeerd I'm too old to ride the thing."
*A NATURAL MISTAKE*
Freddie went to the country with his father and mother for a month's
stay. The lad had been always used to city life, and naturally saw much
in the country that was new and surprising. One day a circus came to
the village. He with the other boys, was permitted to watch the circus
men at work.
At luncheon he astonished the household by exclaiming, "Oh, mamma! what
do you think? I was over where they're putting up the circus, and
they're filling the ring full of breakfast food."
*A PRAYER FOR STRENGTH*
At one of our theological seminaries it is the custom for the students
to take their turns in asking a blessing before meals. Last term the
meats had not been as tender as the students thought they should be, and
the eyes of the faculty were opened to the fact when one day a young
student offered the following blessing:
"O Lord, give us strength to eat this meat!"
*SORRY FOR THE QUEEN*
An English professor wrote on the blackboard in his laboratory:
"Professor Wilson informs his students that he has this day been
appointed honorary physician to her Majesty, Queen Victoria."
In the morning he had occasion to leave the room, and found on his
return that some student-wag had added to the announcement the words:
"God save the Queen."
*FAMILIES SUPPLIED*
Auntie (to her young niece): Guess what I know, Mary. There's a little
baby brother up-stairs! He came this morning when you were asleep.
Mary: Did he? Then I know who brought him. It was the milkman.
Auntie: What do you mean, Mary?
Mary: Why, I looked at the sign on his cart yesterday, and it said,
"Families supplied daily."
*EMBARRASSING*
A Philadelphia business man tells this story on himself:
"You know in this city there are two telephone companies," he said, "and
in my office I have a telephone of each company. Last week I hired a
new office boy, and one of his duties was to answer the telephone. The
other day, when one of the bells rang, he answered the call, and then
came in and told me I was wanted on the 'phone by my wife.
"'Which one?' I inquired quickly, thinking of the two telephones, of
course.
"'Please, sir,' stammered the boy, 'I don't know how many you have.'"
*HIS ANSWER CORRECT*
A young man was taking the civil service examination, and was
exasperated at the irrelevance of some of the questions. One question
was:
"How many British troops were sent to this country during the American
Revolution?"
The young man shook his head for a moment, and, much annoyed, wrote the
answer:
"I don't know, but a darned sight more than went back."
*THE LANDLADY'S INDIGNATION*
"Well, how did you rest last night?" asked the landlady of the new
boarder.
"I didn't rest much," he replied, "I was troubled all night with
insomnia."
"Sir," was the landlady's indignant comment, "I've never heard such a
complaint before in my twenty-two years a housekeeper, and I'd have you
know, sir, I've had your betters as my boarders! Moreover," she went on,
as he began to mumble an explanation, "I do not believe you, sir, and am
willing to board you free if you find a single one in that bed."
*A TEMPERANCE SERMON*
At a recent dinner, Colonel McC---- made a speech in which he said that
his frequent going to dinners tended to impair his digestive apparatus.
He concluded by saying that he was somewhat in the position of the
editor of the country weekly who announced in one issue of his paper:
"For the evil effects of intemperance, see our inside."
*BOOKS AND AUTHORS*
A teacher in the Girls' High School vouches for the story of an incident
which occurred during the examination of one of her classes in English
literature. One of the questions was:
"Give a quotation, name of book in which it appears, and name of the
author of the book."
Here is the answer turned in by one of the girls:
"The Lord's Prayer, the Bible, by God."
*WHAT HE HAD READ*
An unlettered Irishman's application to the Court of Naturalization
resulted in the following dialogue:
Judge: "Have you read the Declaration of Independence?"
Applicant: "No, sir."
Judge: "Have you read the Constitution of the United States?"
Applicant: "No, sir."
Judge: "Have you read the history of the United States?"
Applicant: "No, sir."
Judge: "No? Well, what have you read?"
Applicant: "Oi have some red hair on the back of me neck, your honor."
*THE ELDER'S NEED*
Bishop Potter tells of an incident that occurred at a negro
camp-meeting. The presiding elder had a voice like a fog-horn and used
it to the full in exhortation.
"Lord," he prayed, "give us power! Give us, Lord, power! We want power,
oh, Lord! Power is what we want--more power! Give us power we beseech
Thee."
"Elder," came a voice from the seats, "yo' is shuh wrong. 'Tain't power
what yo' need, but idees."
*THE NUMBER INCOMPLETE*
Perhaps he invented the story, but a well-known photographer tells this
for a fact. A woman entered his studio.
"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes, madam."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes, certainly."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three dollars a dozen."
"Well," said the woman, sorrowfully, "I'll have to see you again. I've
only got eleven."
*NONE TO INJURE*
It is told of a certain normal school professor, that a student once
asked him whether peroxiding the hair is injurious to the brain.
"No," replied the professor, positively.
"Why, I've heard it is," said the student.
"No," repeated the professor. "Any person who peroxides the hair hasn't
any brain to injure."
*DOUBTFUL PRAISE*
During the Civil War an old negro was overheard praying. "Oh, Lord," he
said, "bress the Union soldiers! Bress General Grant! Oh, Lord, he is
coming down here to save us. Oh, bress General Grant! He has a white
face, but he's got a black heart."
*BRITISH PERSPICACITY*
Charles Francis Adams was escorting an English friend about Boston.
They were viewing the different objects of attraction and came finally
to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument, when Mr.
Adams remarked:
"This is the place, sir, where Warren fell."
"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar with American
history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?"
Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he, "he was killed, sir."
"Ah! indeed!" the Englishman replied, still eying the monument and
commencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I should think
he might have been--falling so far."
*A FUNNY DOG*
Mildred is a bright little girl of six. The other day she was with her
mother in the park when she saw a dog whose species was entirely new to
her.
That evening she thus described it to her father:
"It was such a funny dog, father; it looked about a dog and a half long,
and only half a dog high; and it had only four legs, but looked as if it
ought to have six."
Needless to say, the father recognized from her graphic description that
Mildred had seen a dachshund.
*A LINCOLN STORY*
In 1862 an intimate friend of President Lincoln visited him in
Washington, finding him rather depressed in spirits as the result of the
reverses then repeatedly suffered by the Federal troops.
"This being President isn't all it is supposed to be, is it, Mr.
Lincoln?" said his visitor.
"No," Lincoln replied, his eye twinkling for a moment. "I feel
sometimes like the Irishman who, after being ridden on a rail, said: 'If
it wasn't for the honor av th' thing, I'd rather walk.'"
*MIGHT HAVE TAKEN IT*
An old negro was taken ill and called in a physician of his own race to
prescribe for him; but the old man did not seem to improve, and
eventually a white physician was summoned. Soon after his arrival, Dr.
---- felt the old man's pulse for a moment and then examined his tongue.
"Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked.
"I don't know, boss," the sick man answered feebly, "I hain't missed
anything but my watch as yit."
*A NEW LEAF IN THE BOOK*
A New York man recently gained a Missouri girl for his bride by the
elopement method. The girl was somewhat romantic, and when the ceremony
had been performed and the telegram sent apprising her parents of what
had taken place, she looked soulfully up into the eyes of her husband
and said, "Dear, we have added a leaf to our book of life to-day,
haven't we?"
"Yes," replied the happy groom, "I guess it must be the fly-leaf."
*A POWERFUL REMEDY*
One day, while running a fox, Major ---- was violently thrown and
rendered insensible. Until a doctor could be procured, his old colored
servant was asked to care for him. When the doctor arrived, he found
the major quietly smoking on his veranda, and was curious to know what
medicine had effected such miraculous results. Uncle John, being
questioned, explained his mode of treatment as follows:
"Massa bus' his insides an' I give him allum an' rozum."
"What for?" asked the astonished physician.
"De allum to draw de parts togidder an' de rozum to sodder dem."
*DAMAGES ENOUGH*
An old colored woman was seriously injured in a railway accident. One
and all her friends urged the necessity of suing the wealthy railroad
corporation for damages.
"I 'clar' to gracious," she scornfully replied to their advice, "ef dis
ole nigga ain't done git more'n nuff o' damages! What I'se wantin' now
and what I'se done gwine to sue dat company foh is repairs."
*COALS TO NEWCASTLE*
A benevolent old gentleman one day saw a rural-looking man sitting on a
stone wall swinging his legs and gazing earnestly at the telegraph
wires. Going over to the yokel he said:
"Waiting to see a message go 'long, eh?"
The man grinned and said, "Ay."
The benevolent old gentleman got on the wall and for the next quarter of
an hour tried hard to dispel his ignorance.
"Now," he said at last, "as you know something about the matter, I hope
you will spread your knowledge among your mates on the farm."
"But I don't work on a farm," replied the rural citizen.
"Where, then, may I ask?"
"Me and my mates are telegraph linesmen and we are testing a new wire."
*KNEW HOW TO GET IT*
A prominent New Yorker has a wife who is a model of all the domestic
virtues. Among her accomplishments is a talent for bread-making and she
naturally takes great pride in having her loaves turn out well. One
evening after setting her bread as usual, her eight-year-old son came
running up-stairs crying, "Mamma, mamma, a mouse has jumped into your
bread pan!"
The good woman was much perturbed. "Did you take him out?" she asked.
"No'm, but I did just as well. I threw the cat in, an' she's diggin'
after him to beat the band!"
*STILL LOST*
Sir C. Purdon Clarke, during his New York visit, often went to the
Metropolitan Museum unaccompanied, and walked homeward through Central
Park. One afternoon, near the Obelisk, he saw a scantily clad woman
crying, and spoke to her.
"I want to go to the Brooklyn bridge," she explained, "and I've lost my
way."
Unaccustomed to New York street mendicants, the London art enthusiast
supplied sympathy, directions as to route, and a liberal allowance of
car fare. Three days afterward he was stopped by the same woman, who
again wanted to go to the Brooklyn bridge.
"Goodness gracious!" exclaimed Sir Purdon, "haven't you got to the
bridge yet?"
*A STORY OF LLOYD OSBORNE*
Lloyd Osborne, kinsman and collaborator of Robert Louis Stevenson,
called on the cashier of a leading magazine one day, after vainly
writing several times for a check due him.
"I am sorry," explained the cashier, "but Colonel So-and-So who always
signs our checks, is confined at home with the gout."
"But, my dear man," expostulated the author-collector, "does he sign
them with his feet?"
*DIDN'T MIND*
"I suppose, Jerry," said the eminent statesman, looking through his
pocket-book for a new dollar bill, "like a lot of other folks nowadays,
you would rather have clean money?"
"Oh, that's all right, Senator," said the cabman. "I don't care how you
made your money."
*NOT UP-TO-DATE*
Thomas A. Edison is very fond of children. While on a visit recently he
was endeavoring to amuse the son of the host, when the youngster asked
him to draw an engine. Mr. Edison promptly set to work, and, thinking
it would please the child, he added a couple of extra smokestacks and
several imaginary parts. When the plan was completed the boy eyed it
critically; then he turned to the inventor with disapproval in every
feature.
"You don't know much about engines, do you?" he said with infantile
frankness. "Engines may have been that way in your time, but they've
changed a whole lot since then."
*LION AT LARGE*
At a certain school, in the "jograffy" class, the teacher had been at
great pains to define and impress upon the children the meaning of the
word "equator," defined as "an imaginary line which surrounds the
world." When by repetition they were thought to have it letter perfect,
she complimented them and told them to repeat it at home, and surprise
their parents with the extent of their knowledge.
"Uncle, have you ever seen a quator?" said one little tot.
"No, my dear, I don't even know what it is."
"Why, it's a menagerie lion that runs round the world."
*CHARACTERISTIC PORTRAITURE*
A young man in a New England town started in the livery business, and
one of the first things he did was to have a sign painted representing
himself holding a mule by the bridle. He was particularly proud of this
stroke of business enterprise, and asked of his wife:
"Is that not a good likeness of me?"
"Yes," she replied, "it is a perfect picture of you; but who is the
fellow holding the bridle?"
*INNOCENCE ABROAD*
An old Southern darky was sent for the first time to the post-office to
mail four letters, and was told to buy stamps for them.
"Boss," he said, looking in through the stamp window, "how much do it
tek ter sen' fo' letters for Massa Johnson?"
"Eight cents," replied the clerk, from within the window.
"Dat so?" interjected the negro.
"Yes, uncle."
The old darky took out a leather bag and worried from it eight coppers.
Laying these on the counter, he said:
"Well, yo' c'n let 'em go 'long."
"But where are the letters?" asked the clerk.
"Whar is day? Why, I done drapt 'em in de hole 'roun' yonder."
*DOUBTS*
There was a darky in southern Tennessee named Eph. Friday, who died a
short time ago. Eph. was neither a member of a church nor of a lodge
and thus had no one to deliver an address or prayer at his burial. At
last an old uncle consented to say a few remarks for the departed soul.
As the coffin was being lowered into the grave the old uncle said to the
assembled mourners:
"Eph. Friday, we trusts you hab gone to de place whar we spects you
ain't."
*FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS*
An army officer, in his expense list on Government service, put down:
"Porter, ten cents."
The officer was requested to report to the War Office, where he was
told:
"While executing public duty refreshments are not chargeable to the
nation."
"The item does not represent refreshments," replied the officer, "but a
fee to a carrier."
"You should have said 'porterage,'" was then explained to him.
When the officer had occasion to take a hansom, remembering
instructions, he wrote in his accounts:
"Cabbage, fifty cents."
*A CHEERFUL GIVER*
Bobby's father had given him a ten-cent piece and a quarter of a dollar,
telling him he might put one or the other on the contribution plate.
"Which did you give, Bobby?" his father asked when the boy came home
from church.
"Well, father, I thought at first I ought to put in the quarter," said
Bobby, "but then just in time I remembered 'The Lord loveth a cheerful
giver,' and I knew I could give the ten-cent piece a great deal more
cheerfully, so I put that in."
*INHERITED*
Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers.
Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried
without any apparent effect upon the boy, until at last the head master
decided to mention the lad's faults upon his monthly report.
So the next report to his father had these words:
"Vincent talks a great deal."
Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red
ink under the comment:
"You ought to hear his mother."
*AN EXAMPLE*
The teacher was explaining to her scholars the meaning of the word
"transparent." "Anything," she said, "is called transparent that can be
seen through. Now, Willie, can you give me an example?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the boy. "A hole in the fence at the baseball
grounds."
*POINT OF VIEW*
A Wilkesbarre woman recently engaged as nurse a Scotch girl just come to
this country.
It appears that one Sunday the lady induced the nurse, who is the
strictest sort of Presbyterian, to attend a beautiful church just
erected in Wilkesbarre.
When the girl returned her mistress asked her if she hadn't found the
church a fine one.
"Yes, ma'am," responded the girl, "it is very beautiful."
"And the singing," said the lady, "wasn't that lovely?"
"Oh, yes," replied the nurse, "it was very lovely, ma'am, but don't you
think it's an awful way to spend the Sabbath?"
*PAY INCREASED TO $4 RIGHT AWAY*
The boss was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The new
office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The
surprised boss opened it and read:
"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."
*OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES*
"Why, Mabel," said a mother to her four-year-old daughter, "you've got
one of your stockings on wrong side out."
"I put it on that way," explained the little miss, "'cause there's a
hole on the other side."
*FOR ALL POSSIBLE EMERGENCIES*
"This is glorious!" exclaimed the fair maid, as the automobile struck a
smooth stretch of country road, and the young man let the machine go at
full speed. "But who are those two men that have been following us in a
runabout all morning?"
"Never mind them," he replied. "One is the repair man, and the other's
the surgeon."
*TIME FOR CHANGE*
Not long ago three scientific gentlemen from an Eastern institution
visited a certain Montana mine. One of the men was evidently of a most
nervous temperament, and on the ascent, by means of the usual bucket, he
thought he perceived signs of weakness in the rope by which the bucket
was suspended.
"How often," inquired he of the attendant, when the party was about
half-way up, "how often do you change these ropes?"
"Oh, about every three months," carelessly replied the attendant. Then
he added thoughtfully, "We'll change this one to-morrow, if we get up
safely."
*INCOME DWINDLED*
An old negro who had been working for a cotton planter for many years,
came to his employer and said:
"I'se gwine to quit, boss."
"What's the matter, Mose?"
"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Wintah, ain't kicked me in de las' free
mumfs."
"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like
that around my place."
"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se gwine to quit. Every time Mistah
Wintah used to kick and cuff me when he done git mad, he always git
'shamed of hisse'f and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money
a'ready wid dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' mah feelin's."
*GETTING EVEN*
A young bride was recently invited to a bridge luncheon, and after
spending a delightful afternoon was told by her hostess that she was in
debt to the amount of seventy-five dollars.
Mrs. ----, unaware that she had been playing for money, mournfully
confided her woes to her husband, and he immediately wrote a check for
seventy-six dollars and fifty cents and sent it to the hostess.
The hostess, believing that a mistake had been made, informed him that
he had sent a dollar and a half too much. Mr. ----, however, returned it
with the curt statement that the seventy-five dollars settled the bridge
score, and the balance was for his wife's luncheon.
*CHARGED THE JURY*
By some peculiar election twist, an old negro was elected a justice of
the peace in the backwoods of Georgia.
His first case happened to be one in which the defendant asked for a
trial by jury. When the testimony was all in and the argument had been
concluded, the justice seemed somewhat embarrassed. Finally one of the
lawyers whispered to him that it was time to charge the jury. Looking
at the jury with a grim, judicial air, the judge said:
"Gentlemen ob de jury, sense dis is a very small case, I'll jes' charge
y'all a dollar an' a ha'f a-piece."
*SHOULD BE FAMILIAR*
General Horace Porter told the following:
"In the mountains of New Hampshire I met one of the colored troops, who
was still fighting nobly, driving a stage on a county route, and asked
him, 'What is your name?'
"'George Washington, sah.'
"I said: 'That is a name that is well known to everybody in this
country.'
"'I reckon, sah, it ought to be. I'se been drivin' heah evah since da
wah.'"
*HE COULD CURE IT*
Dr. William Osler, of Johns Hopkins and Oxford, tells this story:
An old darky quack, well known in a certain section of the South, was
passing the house of a planter whose wife was reported to be dangerously
ill. Stopping at the gate he called to one of the hands:
"I say, Rastus, how's the missus?"
"Well," replied Rastus, "the doctah done say dis mawnin' dat she
convalescent."
"Humph! Dat ain't nothin', chile," said the old quack, with an air of
superior wisdom. "Why, I've done cured convalescence in twenty-foah
hours!"
*THE NEW NATURAL HISTORY*
A hard-working fancy dealer had ransacked the whole shop in his efforts
to please an old lady who wanted to purchase a present--"anything real
nice"--for her granddaughter. For the fifteenth time she picked up and
critically examined a neat little satchel.
"Are you quite sure that this is genuine alligator skin?" she inquired.
"Positive, madam," quoth the dealer. "I shot that alligator myself."
"It looks rather soiled," said the lady.
"That, madam, is where it struck the ground when it tumbled off the
tree."
*DURABILITY WANTED*
A New York editor tells a story of a man who was the father of twelve
children, all of whom had been rocked to sleep by the same toe and in
the same cradle. The toe stood it all right, but the cradle had begun
to show signs of wear toward the end of the rocking period of the
twelfth.
"John," said the wife one day, looking fondly at the cradle at her side,
"this old cradle has done good service, but it is about worn out. I am
afraid it is nearly gone!"
"That's right," assented the husband. Reaching into his pocket he pulled
out a ten dollar bill. "Here you are. Next time you go to the city get
a new one. Get a good one this time; one that'll last."
*MEN NOT EQUAL*
Some years ago the Chief Justice of the United States found that the
tire of one of his wheels was loose and kept slipping off. Coming to a
little stream he drove into it and got one little section of the wheel
wet; then drove out and backed his horse, and the same part of the wheel
went into the water again. Thus he kept going backward and forward, all
the time wetting the same part of the wheel.
A negro saw the situation and told the justice to back into the water
again. He did so, and the negro took hold of the spokes of the wheel
and, turning it slowly, soon had it wet all around.
"Why, I never thought of that," cried the chief justice.
"Well," replied the darky, "some men just nat'ly have more sense than
others."
*CRUELTY OF SCIENCE*
A little boy was once given two images of plaster, coated on the outside
with pink sugar. He wanted to eat the images, but he was warned on no
account to do so.
"They are poison," he was told. "If you eat them, it will kill you."
However, the boy was dubious. He been cheated before this by grown-up
people. Finally he had a young friend to spend the day with him, and
that night it was discovered that one of the images had disappeared.
His mother, nearly frantic, rushed to him.
"Harold," she said, "where is that pink image?"
Harold frowned, as he answered defiantly: "I gave it to Richard, and if
he's alive to-morrow, I'm going to eat the other one myself."
*A LITERAL SCHOLAR*
A professor of the Cornell Law School tells the following story of a
student in one of his freshmen classes: