the subject under discussion was a cow which had been killed by a
railway train. Each student was required to fill out a paper on the
case.
"This brilliant youth," says the professor, "wrote with all seriousness
after 'Disposition of the Carcass': 'Mild and gentle.'"
*ESTABLISHED HIS IDENTITY*
In a Kentucky court room, a prominent lawyer of that state was defending
a prisoner charged with horse stealing, and a witness was swearing as to
the identity of the stolen horse.
"How do you know this is the same horse?" asked the lawyer.
"Why, I just know it is," said the witness.
"Well, how?" again asked the man of law.
"I can't tell exactly how; but I know it is as well as I know that you
are General H----."
"Well, how do you know that I am General H----?"
"Because just before dinner I heard Mr. C---- say, 'General H----, let's
go and take a drink, and you went."
*WAS REMARKED BEFORE*
A certain good clergyman was once riding in a city street-car, and when
passing a large and very handsome church a fellow-passenger turned to
him and said:
"If these Christians would stop building fine churches and give the
money to the poor, it would be more to their credit."
"I've heard that remark before," was the quiet rejoinder.
"Indeed! and by whom, may I ask?"
"Judas Iscariot!" was the crushing answer.
*A NOVEL PULPIT*
A Washington correspondent of a religious paper recently assigned to the
Rev. Dr. S---- a rather novel pulpit. The Doctor had preached from the
text, "The gates of hell shall not prevail against you." He must have
been not a little surprised, if he saw the account of the sermon, to
read in the words of the correspondent, "Dr. S---- then preached from
the gates of hell."
*CAUGHT IN HIS OWN NET*
Mr. S---- was counsel in a will case for the contestants, who were
endeavoring to show that the testator was of unsound mind. One of the
dead man's friends was being examined.
"Did not the old man talk to himself when he was alone?" interrogated
the lawyer.
"I do not know," replied the witness.
"What!" exclaimed the attorney, "you do not know, and yet you claim to
be an intimate friend of his! How can you explain your ignorance of
this fact?"
"Because," replied the man, undisturbed, "I was never with him when he
was alone."
*WHAT SHE WANTED*
An old lady on her first railroad trip remarked the bell cord overhead,
and was told by a mischievous boy that it was to ring when it was
desired to get anything to eat.
Shortly afterward the old lady reached her umbrella up to the cord and
gave it a vigorous pull. The whistle sounded, brakes were put on, the
train began to slacken its speed. Presently the conductor came rushing
through the train and asked:
"Who pulled the bell?"
"I did," replied the old lady, meekly.
"Well, what do you want?" snapped the official, impatiently.
"You may bring me some ham sandwiches and a cup of tea, if you will."
*NO WONDER*
A certain well-known scientist in Washington was left in charge of his
family of small children, as his wife expected to be absent some hours.
Upon her return in the early evening she found the house unusually
quiet, and wished to know what had become of the children.
The husband explained that, as they had been rather noisy he himself had
put them to bed without waiting for her return.
"I hope they gave you no trouble," she said.
"No," replied the scientist, "with the exception of the one in the cot
here. He objected a good deal to my undressing him and putting him to
bed."
The wife went to inspect the cot.
"Why," she exclaimed, "that's little Sammy from next door!"
*WAS IT MONEY HE WANTED?*
A professor in a Washington law school had occasion to illustrate to his
class the smallness of the world. "Gentlemen," he said, "let me state my
own experience. While in Paris last summer I met a man from my own home
town; then again in Venice I met him; and again in London. This year
while visiting Yellowstone Park, I met him again, and----"
"I say, professor," broke in one of the class, "wouldn't it have been
better to have paid the man instead of keeping him following you that
way?"
*REVERSED BLACKSTONE*
A certain justice of the peace in a Western town had reached a
conclusion as to a question of law highly satisfactory to himself. He
refused to entertain an argument by the opposing counsel.
"If your honor pleases," counsel pleaded, "I should like to cite a few
authorities upon the point."
"The court knows the law and is thoroughly advised in the premises,"
snapped the justice.
"It was not," continued counsel, "with an idea of convincing your honor
that you were wrong, but I did want so much to show you what a fool old
Blackstone was."
*VALUE OF ADVERTISING*
At a recent political meeting, the speakers were much disturbed by a man
who called constantly for a Mr. Henry. Whenever a new speaker came on
this man bawled out, "Henry! Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!"
After several interruptions of this kind, a very young man ascended the
platform and began to speak, when again came the call for Mr. Henry.
The chairman now arose and remarked that it would oblige the audience if
the gentleman would refrain from any further calls, as Mr. Henry was now
speaking.
"Is that Mr. Henry?" cried the disturber of the meeting. "Why, that's
the little cuss that told me to holler!"
*A PAT RETORT*
A young Western man applied to Richard Olney, when Secretary of State,
for the position of consul at one of the smaller Chinese ports.
"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the
appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to
which he desires to go? Now, I suppose, you do not speak Chinese?"
Whereupon the Westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he,
"you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it."
He got the appointment.
*THEORY AND PRACTICE*
"There is a woman of my acquaintance," says a physician, "who has more
ideas with respect to scientific hygiene than has a whole colony of
physicians. She is unmistakably 'up' on microbes and bacteria.
"A friend was one day engaged in conversation with this lady, which
incidentally touched upon her hobby, when the little girl of the
household appeared.
"'Mamma,' said she, 'I would like to go over to Katharine's for a
minute.'
"'And why?' asked the mother.
"'Oh,' explained the scientifically reared youngster to the utter horror
of her careful mother, 'I lent her my chewing gum yesterday, and now I
want it myself.'"
*AS HE UNDERSTOOD IT*
"During the taking of a religious census of the District of Columbia one
winter," relates a Representative from Tennessee, "a couple of young
ladies who were engaged in the work stopped at my home on Capitol Hill,
and when the bell rang it was answered by the negro boy I brought from
Tennessee with me. One of the ladies asked him:
"'Will you please tell me who lives here?'
"'Yessum; Mistah Johnsing,' was the answer.
"'Is he a Christian?'
"'No, ma'am. He's er Congressman from Tennersee.'"
*"OF COURSE"*
A husband had given his wife a sum of money and shown her how to deposit
it in the bank, and how to pay her little bills thereafter with checks.
About a month later she came to him in a high state of indignation.
"Harry," she said, "the other day the bank sent me a note saying I had
overdrawn my account and they wanted five dollars and a quarter to
balance it. I sent it to them right away, but they were not satisfied.
They are still bothering me."
"You say you sent the five and a quarter?"
"I did, that very day," said she.
"That's strange," he commented; "how did you send it?"
"Why, I sent them a check, of course."
*HOW TO FOOL THEM*
It had long been the custom of a certain Vassar professor to call on the
young ladies at recitations in alphabetical order, and it did not take
the girls long to figure out just when their turns would come, and
neglect or prepare the lessons, accordingly. After years of this system
the professor was grieved to find out how the young Portias were taking
advantage of him. He chided the girls severely, adding:
"Since you are not to be trusted, I shall fool you by abolishing the old
method. Hereafter I shall begin at the end of the alphabet and go
backward."
*WANTED TO DRESS LIKE THE OTHERS*
Little Elizabeth was allowed to stand on the landing and feast her eyes
on the handsome women in evening dress at her mother's party. Presently
she beckoned to her mother and anxiously asked:
"Mother, may I take off my guimpe?"
"Mercy, no," said her mother; "it is the middle of winter and you would
take your death of cold."
"Well," said the child, regretfully, "look there; nearly all the ladies
have theirs off."
*EVENING UP ACCOUNTS*
During the South African War, letters sent home by British soldiers had
to pass through the hands of a censor. A certain private had sent four
or five letters home, and portions had been obliterated by the censor
and were therefore illegible on their arrival at their destination. He
decided to even accounts with the censor, and at the foot of the next
letter he wrote: "Please look under the stamp."
At the censor's office the letter was opened and read as usual. The
officer in charge spent some time in steaming the stamp from the
envelope, but his feelings can be better imagined than described when he
read these words:
"Was it hard to get off?"
*WALKER BLAINE'S ADVICE*
In the days of the old University Club at Washington, there was a
certain objectionable person who had succeeded in gaining admission to
the club, in spite of its exclusiveness. One day this vulgarian became
extremely noisy in the card-room; so much so that a certain indignant
member of the club blurted out:
"See here! If you'll resign from this organization I'll give you five
hundred dollars."
The objectionable person left the room in high dudgeon. Chancing to
meet on the stairway Walker Blaine, the son of the then Secretary of
State, the aggrieved man related the incident, adding: "Now what shall I
do about this?"
"I would advise you to stand pat," replied Mr. Blaine. "I think he will
make it a thousand dollars."
*THE CANNY SCOT*
In an English railway compartment two travelers were seated--an American
and a keen-eyed old Scotchman.
When the guard came to take up their tickets, the latter had great
difficulty in locating his. He kept the official waiting so long, while
he rummaged through his many pockets, that the ticket taker went on his
way, saying that he would come back to find out the result of the
search.
When the guard had gone the American saw the lost piece of cardboard
protruding from the old fellow's mouth and promptly notified its owner,
thinking it a case of absent-mindedness.
Whereupon the wily Scot rejoined: "Don't you think I know it? But the
ticket's a month old, and I'm a-suckin' off the date."
*HER "KISMET"*
A fashionable woman had a bit of statuary bearing the inscription
"Kismet." A housemaid dusting the room asked the mistress:
"Shure, m'am, what's the m'anin' of the 'ritin' on the bottom of this?"
"Oh, you mean 'Kismet.' It means 'fate,'" replied the mistress.
Bridget was limping painfully when out with her sweetheart not long
afterward, and he asked: "What's the matter, Bridget?"
"Faith," was the answer, "I have the most terrible corns on me kismet."
*GOOD REASON*
Representative Adamson, of Georgia, says that when he was judge of his
county court a fellow was before him charged with having stolen a pair
of pantaloons--they call them "britches" in Georgia. There were several
witnesses, but the evidence was rather meagre, and the accused was
acquitted. He was told that he could go, but he remained in his seat.
His lawyer, to whose successful defense he owed his liberty, hinted to
him that he was free to depart, but he didn't budge.
"I don't want to go," said the fellow.
"And why?" asked the lawyer.
"Let the witnesses go first."
"Why?"
"Why, sir, I've got on the 'britches' I stole."
*WISE CHILD*
Down at the seashore small Miss Margery, aged four, was walking along
the bluff with a friend of her mother's, who had accompanied the family
on a day's outing.
"Don't go so near the edge," cautioned the child's companion, as the
venturesome little one frolicked in the dangerous places, and as the
advice was unheeded, added: "It won't be my fault if you fall over."
"No," said Margery, "but you'll be the one blamed for it."
*SIMILAR KIND*
"Now, boys," said the schoolmaster during an examination in geography,
"what is the axis of the earth?"
Johnny raised his hand promptly.
"Well, Johnny, how would you describe it?"
"The axis of the earth," said Johnny, proudly, "is an imaginary line
which passes from one Pole to the other, and on which the earth
revolves."
"Very good," exclaimed the teacher. "Now, could you hang clothes on that
line, Johnny?"
"Yes, sir," was the reply.
"Indeed," said the examiner, a little disconcerted, "and what sort of
clothes?"
"Imaginary clothes, sir."
*HIS WANTS*
"Would ye be so kind, ma'm, as to let me have a needle and thread?"
asked the tramp.
"Why, yes," said the housewife, "I can let you have that."
"Thank ye, ma'm. Now, could ye let me have a bit of cloth for a patch?"
"Yes, here is some."
"Thank ye very much. It's a diffirunt color from my suit, I see; but
p'r'aps ye could spare some of your husband's old clothes that this
patch will match."
"Well, I declare! You're clever. I guess I'll have to give you a
suit."
"Thank ye greatly. I see it's a little too large, ma'm, so would ye
kindly furnish me with a good meal to see if I can fill it?"
*MIGHT NOT USE IT*
A salesman was sent to call on Mr. C----, "the meanest rich man in
town," to try to induce him to purchase a lot in the new cemetery. In a
half hour he was back again.
"Couldn't get him, eh?" said the superintendent.
"No," said the salesman. "He admitted that the lots were fine ones, but
he said that if he bought one he might not get the value of his money in
the end."
"Why," said the superintendent, "there's no fear of that. The man will
die some day, won't he?"
"Yes," said the salesman, "but he says he might be lost at sea."
*CAUSE FOR MIRTH*
A professor in a certain college was giving his students a lecture on
"Scotland and the Scots." "These hardy men," he said, "think nothing of
swimming across the Tay three times every morning before breakfast."
Suddenly a burst of laughter came from the centre of the hall, and the
professor, amazed at any one daring to interrupt him in the middle of
his discourse, angrily asked the offender what he meant by such unruly
conduct.
"I was just thinking, sir," replied the student who laughed, "how the
poor Scots would get their clothes after making the third trip across."
*NOT SO REMARKABLE*
A school teacher who was giving a lesson on "food" was interrupted by
one of his pupils.
"Please, sir," he said, "Jimmy says he knew a baby that was brought up
on elephant's milk, and it gained ten pounds in weight every day."
"James ought not to tell you such rubbish," said the teacher. "Whose
baby was it that was brought up on elephant's milk?"
"Please, sir," answered Jimmy, "it was the elephant's."
*NOT LITERALLY INTENDED*
A good old Methodist, obliged to remain in the city over Sunday, started
out to attend service in one of the churches of his own faith; but
losing his way, and seeing an open church door just across the street,
he entered there, not knowing to what creed the congregation held. As
the service progressed, his religious emotions waxed warmer and warmer,
until he finally gave vent to them by shouting out, "Praise God!"
Immediately one of the ushers tapped him on the shoulder, saying, "You
can't do that in this church, sir."
*NOT POSSIBLE*
The day was warm, the children restless, the teacher impatient. One
curly-haired boy was moving his jaws faster with chewing-gum than his
brain had ever been known to work. His feet were in the aisle. A smile
was on the face of more than one pupil when the teacher said:
"Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in."
*ALL HIS WEALTH*
It was at a fashionable wedding in Savannah. The bridegroom had no
visible means of support save his father, who was rich; but when he
repeated that portion of the service he said boldly:
"'With all my worldly goods I thee endow!'"
Whereupon the father said in a stage whisper that could be heard all
over the church:
"Heavens! There goes his bicycle!"
*WERE PREJUDICED*
It is known that a jury, theoretically, is composed of a set of
unprejudiced men with open minds, still there may be occasions when a
slight personal feeling invades their ranks. Such was evidently the
thought borne in upon the tailor who, rising to state his case, and
having declined the services of a lawyer for reasons best known to
himself, looked over the jurymen and then turned to the judge.
"It's no use for me to tell you about this case, your honor," he said,
dejectedly, "not unless you dismiss that jury and get in a new lot.
There isn't a man among 'em but owes me something for clothes."
*KNEW HIS AUDIENCE*
Bishop Ames tells a story of a slave master in Missouri in the olden
time of negro vassalage, who said to his chattel:
"Pompey, I hear you are a great preacher."
"Yes, massa, de Lord do help me powerful sometimes."
"Well, Pompey, don't you think the negroes steal little things on the
plantation?"
"I'se mighty 'fraid they do, massa."
"Then, Pompey, I want you to preach a sermon to the negroes about
stealing."
After a brief reflection, Pompey replied:
"You see, massa, dat wouldn't never do, 'cause 'twould trow such a
col'ness over de meetin'."
*LOVE OF ACCURACY*
Mark Twain had an aged negro servant, who some time ago celebrated his
wedding anniversary by inviting in twelve friends to a 'possum dinner.
Twelve by no means marked the extent of the servant's friends, and those
unbidden to the feast concluded that, after all, they did not think much
of it. One of the more progressive started the report that instead of
'possum the host served plain coons.
The next day Mr. Clemens said to the servant, "Jim, I've found you a
truthful fellow. I want you to tell me honestly which you had for
dinner last night, 'possum or coons?"
The old servant hesitated, but in an instant said, "Which do you mean,
Mistah Clemens, on the table or around the table?"
*NON-UNION LABOR*
A bookseller in Oklahoma purchased a lot of books at a sale. Finding
several sets of Charles Dickens's works in this stock, he decided to
make a special price on them, so he put all of them in the large show
window, with the following sign in very large letters:
"Charles Dickens Works All Week for Two Dollars."
A Kansas farmer who had drifted down that way walked up to this window.
Reading the sign he said:
"Now, that's what's the matter with this country. The idea of a man
working all week for two dollars."
*A WEALTH OF MEANING*
This is told of a Philadelphian whose mother-in-law was alarmingly ill.
One night a physician who was attending her shook his head and said,
impressively:
"She has got to go to a hot climate. Mind, I don't mean a warm place,
but a hot one."
The son-in-law disappeared, but soon emerged from the cellar carrying an
axe. Handing it to the doctor, he exclaimed:
"Here, Doc, you do it; I can't."