would use a thermometer to ascertain if the water is the right
temperature when you give the baby his bath."
"Oh," replied Susan cheerfully, "don't you worry about that. I don't
need any thermometer. If the little 'un turns red the water is too hot,
if he turns blue, it's too cold and there you are."
*HIS FUTURE STATE*
A young city girl, teaching school for a session in the country, was
struggling with the reading lesson. She wrote the word man on the
blackboard and asked a boy of six how the word was pronounced. The
young hopeful said he did not know.
"Now listen while I spell it," she continued; "m-a-n. What does that
sound like?"
"I don't know," the youngster answered quite truthfully.
Still the teacher persisted. "What will they call you when you grow
up?" said she.
Then, a light suddenly breaking over his face, the lad answered, "Why,
pop."
*A LOVE LETTER*
A gentleman recently found the following letter in the chamber of his
negro coachman who had lately been dismissed from service:
"DEAR MR. GOINGS:--Last night I dreamed that you and me was walking in a
garden full of beautiful flowers, lilies, and roses, and pineys but you
were the beautifullest of all, Mr. Goings. I would risk my life
crossing the ocean on a spiderweb to kiss your sweet sugar lips. Mr.
Goings, let me give you a hint of my love. Please send me a bottle of
colone.
"From your lovingist,
"LILLIE LUCINDA."
*COULD NOT BE EXCHANGED*
"Well, Bobbie," said a kindly old gentleman to a little friend of his,
aged five, "what's new up at your house?"
"Nothin' much 'cept I've got a new baby brother."
"You don't mean it! Well, I suppose you're very fond of him?"
"Nope; he's no good--yells all the time."
"Why don't you send him back?"
"Can't; we've used him four days already."
*THE SOFT ANSWER*
A clergyman visiting the house of one of his parishioners caught a young
lady of the house in the act of curling her hair with a curling iron.
He exclaimed, "My dear young lady, if God intended your hair to be curly
He would curl it Himself."
"He did curl it when I was little," she replied, "but I am now grown up.
He thinks I can take care of it myself."
*CAME DOWN HARD*
Freddie is a boy of five years and he has a little brother who is just
beginning to walk. The younger brother's name is Frank and while
Freddie likes him in a certain way, his nose has been rather out of
joint since his arrival. The other day he said to his mother:
"Ma, did our baby come right from heaven?"
"Yes, my son," replied the mother.
"Well, then," said the young hopeful, "I guess he must have lit on his
feet; that's what makes him so bow-legged."
*KNEW HIS FATHER*
A boy was asked by his teacher, if his father borrowed from him one
hundred dollars and promised to pay him back at the rate of ten dollars
per week, how much would his father owe him at the of seven weeks.
The boy told the teacher one hundred dollars.
"What!" said the teacher, "after seven weeks! From that, Johnny, I see
you know nothing about arithmetic."
"I may not know anything about arithmetic, teacher," said the boy, "but
I know my father."
*PHILADELPHIA BLOOD*
A story is told of an old lady who has lived all her life in Walnut
Street, as have generations of her family before her. The other day she
is said to have consulted a young physician fresh from his honors at the
University of Pennsylvania.
"What do you think is the matter with me?" asked the lady.
"I am inclined to think that your blood is not pure, madam. I'll have
to give you something to purify it."
"Sir!" said the old lady with dignity, "you are probably not aware that
I belong to one of the oldest families in Philadelphia."
*SOUTHERN CHIVALRY*
He was an old negro who had imbibed some of the traditional Southern
politeness. He was sitting in a crowded car when a lady entered it and
looked about for a seat. He immediately arose and, bowing, offered her
his place. Scanning his spare figure and white hair, she said:
"But I do not wish to deprive you of your seat."
With chivalrous tone and a deep bow he replied:
"There's no depravity, madam, no depravity."
*KNEW HER TOUCH*
The story is told of a citizen of a small town in Pennsylvania who, in
the early days of the telephone, walked into a country store where he
saw the instrument suspended from the wall. Upon being told what it
was, he said he would like to talk to his wife whom he had left in a
rage some hours before. He picked up the receiver, rang the bell, and
said to "Central":
"I want to talk to Sarah."
At that moment a severe storm broke over the wires and knocked the man
down. As he picked himself up, he said:
"I know that's Sarah. I can tell her every time."
*THE CHINESE RETORT*
A city official was one of a party which attended the funeral of a
Chinaman. He exhibited a great deal of interest in the curious services
at the grave, and noticed that, among other things, a roasted duck was
left there by the departing mourners. Calling one of the Chinamen
aside, he asked:
"Why did you leave that duck on the grave? Do you think the dead man
will come out and eat it?"
"Yeppee," replied the laundry-man, "alle samee as le white deadee man
come out and smellee flowlers."
*A PERSUASIVE LAWYER*
A man in North Carolina was saved from conviction for horse stealing by
the powerful plea of his lawyer. After his acquittal by the jury the
lawyer asked:
"Honor bright, now, Bill, you did steal that horse, didn't you?"
"Now look a here, judge," was the reply, "I allers did think I stole
that horse, but since I heard your speech to that 'ere jury, I'll be
doggoned if I ain't got my doubts about it."
*NO HESITATION*
A burly, broad-shouldered man passed through the gates at the Central
station a few days ago and hurried with his two solid-looking suit cases
toward a Pullman porter who stood stiffly and erect beside the steps of
a parlor car attached to the train. The passenger who was long on suit
cases but short on breath asked the proud-looking porter:
"Does this train stop at Rahway?"
"No, sah," replied the negro in a superior manner. "This train do not
stop at Rahway, sah, it do not even hesitate at Rahway." BARBARIC
An elderly Quaker gentleman, riding a carriage with a fashionable girl
decked with a profusion of jewelry, heard her complaining of the cold.
Shivering, in her lace gown and shawl as light as a cobweb, she
exclaimed: "What shall I do to get warm?"
"I really don't know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should
put on another breastpin."
*ABSENCE OF MIND*
A devout and religious man is the clergyman of a parish not twenty miles
south of Chicago. His congregation was somewhat amused at the
singularity of one of his announcements one evening recently, which was
as follows:
"Remember our communion services next Sunday forenoon. The Lord will be
with us during the morning service and the Bishop in the evening."
*WAITING FOR A FRIEND*
In one of our large department stores an obliging salesman had taken
every roll of cloth but one from the shelves to show to a persistent
woman. The last roll was on the top shelf.
"You needn't bother any more," she replied to the weary clerk who was
about to reach for the remaining roll, "I was simply waiting for a
friend."
"Madam," said the clerk, "if you think she's in the last roll, I'll
gladly get it down for you."
*A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE*
An old negro in a South Carolina town was arrested for stealing
chickens, and as he bore a rather bad reputation it was quite hard to
secure counsel for him. At last a young lawyer, who had known Rastus
for a long time, took his case, to the great joy of the old fellow. At
his trial the judge asked him:
"Are you the defendant?"
The old fellow was perplexed for a moment, and then replied:
"No, sah, dat's de defendant, sah," pointing proudly to his counsel,
"I'se de man wot stole de chickens."
*WEATHER INFLUENCES*
Two young lawyers, both trying to make reputations as orators, happened
to be pitted against each other in argument. Both spoke at great length,
and in closing the second speaker remarked that he was sorry to find his
brother on the wrong side, for there was every reason why they should
agree. "We were raised together, we studied together, we were born on
the same day."
"Did I understand you to say that you were born on the same day?"
questioned a listener.
"Yes," came the prompt reply.
"On the very same day?"
"Yes, sir."
"Then it must have been a very windy day."
*HE FOUND A BETTER PLACE*
Mark Twain, while at his summer residence, prepared one evening to take
a drive, and expecting to remain out until late, told the stable boy
that he need not wait for him. He directed the fellow, however, when he
had finished his work to lock the stable and place the key under a
stone, the location of which Mr. Clemens described with much exactness.
When the humorist reached home after his drive, he was surprised to find
that the key was not in the place selected. When his patience had been
exhausted, he awoke the boy, who explained, as he started out to find
the missing key:
"Mr. Clemens, I found a better place to hide it!"
*NOT WORTH THE PRICE*
At a club in Washington one evening a justice of the Supreme Court was
introduced to a well-known New York business man who is given to
boasting of the large income he enjoys.
With the apparent purpose of impressing those about him, the New Yorker
remarked that, as nearly as he could tell, his income exceeded $100,000.
"I must make as much as that," said he. "Why it costs me $80,000 a year
to live."
"Dear me," remarked the justice blandly. "Really, that's too much! I
wouldn't pay it--it isn't worth it!"
*THE BAD BOY IN THE BACK SEAT*
A teacher in one of the schools near Philadelphia had one day been so
much disturbed by the buzzing of lips and shuffling of feet of the
children that she was on the verge of distraction. Finally she said,
"Children, I cannot stand so much noise. Please be quiet for a little
while, at least. Let me see if you can't be so still that you could
hear a pin drop."
Instantly every child became as still as a mouse, and the solemnity
continued until a little boy in a back seat piped out, with marked
impatience:
"Well, let her drop!"
*NATURE NO RESPECTER OF DAYS*
There is an excellent old lady, a strong advocate of the enforcement of
the Blue Laws, who is very fond of the good things of the table, and for
this reason she does her own marketing. One Monday morning found her,
bright and early, selecting some fine pears from her marketman.
"Are you sure," she asked, "that these pears were not picked on Sunday?"
"I don't know 'bout that," said the man, with a grin, "but I do know
they growed on Sunday."
*WHAT THE AIR LACKS*
It is said that Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, returning late from a party in a
neighboring city, once awakened his son to tell him a story he thought
too good to keep till morning. A lady had been introduced to him, and,
considering him scientific man, wished to direct her conversation
accordingly.
"Doctor," said she, "don't you think the cause of so much sickness is
the want of sozodont in the air?"
*CONSOLED*
While speeding along the pike in his automobile, McC---- saw a man and a
dog far ahead of him, the dog running in and out of the bushes. As he
whizzed past a moment later the dog darted out ahead of the machine to
bark at it, was run over, and instantly killed. McC---- stopped his
machine and returned.
"I'm very sorry, sir," he said consolingly to the man, "will that make
it all right?" He held out a ten dollar bill.
"It will," replied the man, coolly taking the money and putting it in
his pocket.
As the automobile flew down the road he looked sympathetically at the
remains and soliloquized:
"Poor little devil! I wonder whose dog it was?"
*FAVORED HIGH SALARIES*
A country minister was one day talking to one of his flock who ventured
the opinion that ministers ought to be better paid.
"I am glad to hear you say that," the minister, "I am pleased that you
think so much of the clergy; and so you think we should have bigger
stipends?"
"Yes," said the old man, "ye see we'd get a better class of men."
*AN ENERGETIC VIDOCQ*
A man who was "wanted" by the police had been photographed in six
different positions, and the pictures were duly circulated among the
police. A few days after the set of portraits had been issued, the
chief of police in a county town wrote to police headquarters of the
city in search of the malefactor as follows:
"I duly received the pictures of the six miscreants whose capture is
desired. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth is under
observation and will be secured shortly."
*A LAWYER'S JOKE*
Some time ago a well-known lawyer remitted in settlement of an account
to the publisher of a paper in the West a two dollar bill which was
returned with the brief statement: "This note is counterfeit; please
send another."
Two months passed before hearing from the lawyer again, when he
apologized for the delay, saying:
"I have been unable until now to find another counterfeit two dollar
bill, but hope the one now enclosed will suit, professing at the same
time my inability to discover what the objection was to the other, which
I thought as good a counterfeit as I ever saw."
*HELPING THE HORSES*
A gentleman riding on the front platform of a down-town horse-car,
noticed standing beside him a tired-looking Irishman who held a heavy
bundle on his shoulder.
"Why don't you set that bundle down on the platform?" asked Mr. L----.
"Sure," said the Celt, "those poor horses have all they can do to dr-rag
the car and the payple. Oi'll carry the bundle."
*DISCREDITED THE STORY*
A well-known character in a small town in New Jersey, having returned
after a year's absence, was accosted by an acquaintance as follows:
"Hello, Bill, where in the world have I you been? I heard you were dead
long ago."
"I heerd o' that meself," Bill replied, "but I knowed it was a lie soon
as I heerd it."
*A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN*
Representative H----, of Iowa, sent some garden seeds to a constituent
one spring. They were enclosed in one of the regular franked government
envelopes, bearing the words: "Penalty for private use three hundred
dollars." A few days later, H---- received this letter:
"DEAR MR. H----: I don't know what to do with those garden seeds you
sent me. I notice it is three hundred dollars fine for private use. I
don't want to use them for the public; I want to plant them in my
private garden, and can't afford to pay three hundred dollars for the
privilege. Won't you see if you can fix it so I can use them privately,
for I am a law-abiding citizen and do not want to commit any crime."
*CONVENIENT*
Two Irishmen were arguing in regard to the spiritualistic leanings of
the late Ferdinand J. Dreer.
"Well," said one, "he moight have been a bit foolish an' belaved in
banshee an' the loike, but he knew enough to have himself cr-remated."
"An' do yez be thinkin' that's a good thing?" said the other.
"Why, mon, I do that! Whin yez is cr-remated yez can have the remains
put in a tin box and kerry thim ar-round in your vist pocket wid yez."
*THE RESPECTFUL SON*
The obedient boy is a treasure, but in trying to be polite he sometimes
slips up. The father of this lad had brought him up to be courteous to
his elders on all occasions. Upon going to a distant school, his father
had told him to telegraph home "Yes," if he found everything
satisfactory and had arrived safely. He did so, but the busy parent had
forgotten the arrangement and, being puzzled, telegraphed back, "Yes,
what?" The answer came, "Yes, sir."
*A JOKE IN A SERIOUS PLACE*
Certainly no one would think of reading a dictionary for amusement or
pleasure--as the Irishman said, he would lose the thread of the story in
the great mass of detail. Nor would one expect to find jokes in such a
book, barring Mark Twain's about the carbuncle. But that learned and
otherwise serious dictionary, the Century, contains at least one
laughable entry.
Under the word "question" is the following:
"To pop the question--see pop."
*INSIDE INFORMATION*
A Christian Scientist, while walking in the country, met a small boy
sitting under an apple-tree doubled up with pain.
"My little man," she said, "what is the matter?"
"I ate some green apples," moaned the boy, "and oh, how I ache!"
"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy; "your pain is
imagination. It's all in your mind."
The boy looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and then
replied in a most positive manner:
"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information."
*ADJOINING LAND*
A man soliciting aid for foreign missions, was refused with the reply:
"I don't believe in foreign missions. I want what I give to benefit my
neighbors."
"Well," rejoined the caller, "whom do you regard as your neighbors?"
"Why, those around me."
"Do you mean those whose land joins yours?"
"Yes."
"How much land do you hold?"
"About five hundred acres."
"And how far through the earth do you think you own?"
"Why, I have never thought of it before, but I suppose I own half-way
down."
"Exactly. I suppose you do; and I want this money for the heathen whose
land adjoins yours at the bottom."
*VAIN HOPES*
The principal, in questioning the boys of the lower classes of a school,
asked them many questions as to citizenship. At last she came to an
all-important question.
"Now," she said slowly, "as every boy has ambition, I would like to know
how many boys in this room would like to be president of the United
States?"
Every boy, save one, raised his hand. The teacher looked in a surprised
manner at the little fellow whose hand remained in his lap.
"Why, Bob," she exclaimed, "haven't you any desire to become president
of this great country?"
"I'd like to, all right," replied Bob, mournfully, "but 'tain't no use.
I'm a Democrat."
*AT THE FERRY*
A colored man of Alabama who ran a ferry was one day thus accosted by a
poor white man:
"Uncle Mose, I want to cross but haven't got no money."
Uncle Mose scratched his head.
"Doan you got no money 't all?" he queried.
"No," said the wayfaring stranger, "I haven't a cent."
"But it done cost you but three cents," insisted Uncle Mose, "ter cross
de ferry."
"I know," said the white man, "but I haven't got three cents."
Uncle Mose was in a quandary.
"Boss," he said, finally, "I done tell ye what, er man what's not got
three cents am jes' ez well off on dis side ob de ribber as on de
odder."
*WELL SUPPLIED*
Little Tommy sat away back in church with his mamma. It was his first
experience. Everything was wonderful to him. By and by the collection
was taken, but imagine the surprise of Tommy's mother when the usher
passed the plate to hear Tommy say:
"No, thank you, sir, got some money of my own."
*A HUNGRY MULE*
A young mule had been shipped on a freight train to a farmer in Fauquier
County, Virginia. A tag, with shipping directions thereon, had been
tied securely around his neck with a rope, but, in the course of the
journey, the mule's hunger, and natural depravity had tempted him to
chew up both tag and rope. This gave the negro brakeman great concern.
He hurried to the conductor in the caboose.
"Marse George," he cried, "for de Lawd, where yo' specs to put off dat
mule? 'E done eat up where 'es gwine."
*WHY SNAKES WERE CREATED*
Little Margie had spent all her life in the country and, living near the
mountains, had frequently heard of the large snakes to be found in the
many holes and crevices of their rocky slopes. Her mother, who was
greatly afraid of the reptiles, had one day remarked that she could see
no use for such loathsome creatures and wondered why they were created.
The next morning Margie sat in a brown study, her chin upon her hand.
Presently, looking up, she said:
"Mamma, I know why God made snakes."
"Why, dear?" asked her mother.
"When He got through makin' the world it was full of holes, so He made
snakes to fill up the holes," the child explained.
*FORGOT WHAT ELECTRICITY WAS*
"Mr. Blank, can you tell us what electricity is?"
Mr. Blank squirmed in his seat, hemmed and hawed for a time, and finally
admitted:
"I did know, professor, but I've forgotten."
The professor gazed at the student with an expression of unspeakable
sorrow. Then he said sadly:
"Mr. Blank, you do not know what you have done. Alas! what a sad loss
to science! You are the only man that ever lived who has known what
electricity is--and you have forgotten."
*NOT THE SAME*
A young woman who had recently taken charge of a small kindergarten,
entered a trolley car the other day, and as she took her seat smiled
pleasantly at a gentleman sitting opposite. He raised his hat, but it
was evident that he did not know her.
Realizing her error, she said, in tones audible throughout the entire
car:
"Oh, please excuse me! I mistook you for the father of two of my
children!"
She left the car at the next corner.
*AT ANY COST*
A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he
repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.
"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's gwine to be sheep an' dere's gwine
to be goats. Who's gwine to be de sheep, an' who's gwine to be de
goats?"
A solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the church,
listening attentively, rose and said:
"_Oi'll_ be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi'll be the
goat!"
*NEIGHBORLY*
Mrs. D---- decided to move into the country for the summer, and was both
surprised and delighted to learn that an old friend of hers resided in
the same place. Meeting this friend on the street, Mrs. D---- said:
"I am quite a near neighbor of yours now; I have taken a house by the
river."
"Oh, I do hope you will drop in some day," replied the friend.
*WAS HE ANSWERED?*
A Bishop in full robes of office, with his gown reaching to his feet,
was teaching a Sunday-school class. At the close he said he would be
glad to answer any questions.
A little hand went up, and he asked:
"Well, my boy?"
"Can I ask?" said the boy.
"Certainly," said the Bishop, "what is it?"
"Well," asked the boy, "is dem all you've got on, or do you wear pants
under dem?"
*NOT THAT KIND OF EGG*
A vegetarian sitting next to a stranger in a restaurant before long took
occasion to advertise his creed by telling him that all meat was
injurious, and that the human diet should be strictly vegetarian.
"But," replied the stranger, "I seldom eat meat."
"You just ordered eggs," said the vegetarian. "An egg is practically
meat; because it eventually becomes a bird."
"The kind of eggs I eat never become birds," answered the stranger
quietly.
"Good heavens!" cried the vegetarian. "What kind of eggs do you eat?
"Principally boiled eggs," said the stranger.
*KNEW HIS BUSINESS*
Two young men entered a cafe of a well-known city hotel the other
evening. It happened that a new and very young wine clerk was behind the
bar and the two customers resolved to have some fun with him.
"Give me," said one, "a seltzer water."
"And I," said the other, "will have some vicious water."
Without hesitating, the barkeeper placed a bottle of absinthe before the
last man to order.
"What's this?" he asked.
"It's the most vicious of anything we keep, sir," calmly replied the
clerk.
*HOW TO SAVE GAS BILLS*
A city merchant who has a passion for reading out-of-town newspapers and
also for answering many of the advertisements he finds in them tells
this on himself:
The other day he answered an advertisement in one of the New York papers
stating that for one dollar a method for saving gas bills would be sent.
In two days he received a printed slip by mail which read: "Paste them
in a scrap-book."
*A DIFFERENCE OF WORDING*
A reader at the Free Library was much offended at what was considered
the incompetency of the librarian of whom she demanded a book called
"Wait a Minute." The assistant protested she had never heard of the
volume, but the inquirer insisted that a friend had read the book and
had returned it only the day before. A thorough search of the catalogue
failed to reveal the title recorded so the unhappy reader had to depart
without it. Later in the day, she returned and apologized, saying the
book she wished was entitled "Tarry Thou Till I Come."
*THE MEANEST MAN*
The following is a conversation overheard between two small boys in a
city street not long ago. The first boy said to the second boy:
"Gee, your father must be dreadful mean; he's a shoemaker and you have
to wear them old shoes."
The second boy answered, "You needn't talk; your father is mean, too,
'cause he is a dentist and your baby's only got one tooth."
*TOO OLD TO LEARN*