Produced by Al Haines.
*That Reminds Me*
*A Collection of Tales
Worth Telling*
"_Show me a Nation's humor, and I
will show you its civilization._"
Philadelphia
GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO.
Publishers
COPYRIGHT, 1905,
BY GEORGE W. JACOBS & Co.
_Published, October, 1905_.
*BY THE WAY*
If nonsense is to wisdom near allied and truth is often spoken in a
jest, which are facts known to very casual observers, there is much more
than the passing laugh to be derived from such a collection of anecdote,
repartee, and pleasantry as that gathered together in this volume.
For some years the _Public Ledger_ of Philadelphia, and earlier the
_Philadelphia Times_, before the two journals were united, have offered
premiums for contributions to a column of jests called "Tales Worth
Telling." With the permission of Mr. George W. Ochs of the _Public
Ledger_, the best of these are now collected and published in permanent
form for a wider audience in the belief that they will be enjoyed beyond
the confines of the newspaper's community and for longer than the day
for which it is made and serves its purposes.
There is much Americanism in these "Tales." They have the flavor of our
soil; the relish of our nationality. While some are plants of foreign
growth removed to our atmosphere in which they have taken on a new
appearance, there are touches of human nature and character in all of
them.
If all these anecdotes seem not to be equally laugh-provoking, it is the
fate of anecdotes. They are meant for different minds; they have
different objects. If any shall teach a lesson, or point a moral while
it at the same time fetches a smile, its purpose will not be lost.
Such humor, springing, as it does, from the people, much of it being
caught at first hands from those who invented it to be transcribed for
the newspaper in which it first appeared and now to be preserved in this
volume, illustrates many important truths in our American character.
Let that not be forgotten! "Show me a nation's humor and I will show
you its civilization," is a sentiment worthy to become a proverb. There
is hope for the man or the race of men which is gifted with the sense of
humor if the mind and lips remain clean and reverent.
The Chinese can read this book as well as our occidentals. It can be
perused backward or forward and will need no index or table of contents.
It can be taken all at once if time and taste call for it, or it may be
confidently opened by the skipper and skimmer of books who travels
hither and thither and assails his literature only at vulnerable points.
It may perhaps be taken up a second time, when, reader, if some of these
stories seem to be old friends, you must be certain not to chide and
revile this little volume, but compliment yourself upon owning a very
retentive mind.
*BEATEN AT HIS OWN GAME*
The champion liar of the town was outdoing himself on his pet topic, the
Civil War. "Talk of mud," he was saying, "our campaign in the
Wilderness was the worst. It rained for days without letting up. When
it did stop we started off with our artillery. Soon we came to a
regular water hole, but we drove straight along, and do you know that
first team went right out of sight."
A newcomer then took the floor. "I've seen some mud, too," he said.
"When I was a boy, one day after a terribly wet spring, I saw a hat out
in the road, right in a big puddle, so I waded out to get it. Maybe now
you won't believe me, but there was a man under that hat. Says I, 'Why,
hello! can't I help you out?' 'Oh, no,' says he, 'guess I can get
along. I'm a-horse back.'"
*THE ABSENT BOY'S FAULT*
A certain Sunday-school teacher had a regular set of questions that she
asked every Sunday. Beginning with the first boy she would ask, "Who
made you?" to which he would reply, "The Lord." Then she would
regularly ask the second boy, "Who was the first man?" and he would
reply, "Adam."
One Sunday the first boy was away, and of course the second boy moved
into his place. As usual, the teacher began by asking, "Who made you?"
The boy replied, "Adam."
"No, that is not right," said the teacher. "The Lord made you."
"I guess not," the child replied. "The boy that the Lord made is away
to-day."
*THE "ONE HORSE" RAILROAD*
It was a train of only two cars on a miserable branch railroad, and was
jogging along at a distressingly low rate of speed when all of a sudden
it came to a dead stop. One of the passengers, whose patience had
become exhausted, asked a brakeman the cause of delay.
"There's a herd of cows on the track," he answered.
In about ten minutes the train got under way again, jerking along
convulsively for about a mile or two, when it came to a halt. An old
man sitting near the door turned to the brakeman, who was plainly
annoyed by the many questions, and said irritably:
"What in thunder is the matter, anyhow?"
"Why, we've caught up to the cows again!" the brakeman answered.
*A POSTSCRIPT*
The editor of a rural paper visited a large city just after the shooting
of Mr. McKinley and took great interest in the newspaper bulletins
informing the public of the president's condition. Shortly after the
editor's return home, Deacon Jones was taken seriously ill, and the
following bulletins were promptly posted:
10.00 A.M--Deacon Jones no better. ll.00 A.M.--Deacon Jones has relapse.
12.30 P.M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing. 2.15 P.M.--Deacon
Jones's family summoned. 3.10 P.M--Deacon Jones has died and gone to
Heaven.
Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to read
the bulletins, and, going to the board, added:
4.10 P.M.--Great excitement in Heaven; Deacon Jones has not yet arrived.
The worst is feared.
*HOW COULD HE KNOW*
Jim Murphy had been accused of selling liquor illicitly and the
prosecuting attorney was endeavoring to make Pat, a job teamster, admit
that he had delivered liquor to the defendant. He stated that he had
once delivered freight to Murphy and that part of that freight was a
barrel, but when asked what the barrel contained he replied that he did
not know.
"Don't know! Wasn't the barrel marked?" asked the attorney.
"Yis, sor."
"Then how dare you tell the court that you don't know what was in it?"
"Because, sor, the barrel was marked 'Jim Murphy' on one end and
'Bourbon Whiskey' on the other. How the divil did I know which was in
it?"
*A SECRET*
A man who had purchased a fine-looking horse soon discovered that the
animal was blind, and after several weeks he succeeded in disposing of
her, as the defect did not seem to lessen her speed nor detract from her
general appearance. The next day the new owner of the horse appeared.
"Say, you know that mare you sold me?" he began. "She's stone blind."
"I know it," replied her past owner with an easy air.
"You didn't say anything to me about it," said the purchaser, his face
red with anger.
"Well, you see," replied the other, "that fellow who sold her to me
didn't tell me about it and I just concluded that he didn't want it
known."
*AT THE WRONG DOOR*
The following story is told of an American gentleman who was recently
stopping with his wife at the Hotel Cecil in London.
The first evening there she happened to return somewhat earlier than her
spouse. Arriving at the door of what he supposed was his own room and
finding it locked, he tapped and called, "Honey." No answer came and he
again called more loudly, "Honey." Still there was no reply, and
becoming somewhat uneasy, he shouted the endearing term with his full
strength. This time an answer came and in a male voice.
"Go away, you blithering idiot! This is a bathroom, not a blooming
beehive."
*HOW IT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED*
Hon. James M. Beck tells the following story of an argument made by a
rural barrister before a justice in a court in Pennsylvania.
The case was one in which the plaintiff sought to recover damages from a
railroad company for the killing of a cow. During the course of his
argument, the country lawyer used this expressive sentence:
"If the train had been run as it should have been ran, or if the bell
had been rung as it should have been rang, or if the whistle had been
blown as it should have been blew, both of which they did neither, the
cow would not have been injured when she was killed."
*NOT A GOOD SWIMMER*
Two men in the West were to be hanged for horse stealing. The place
selected was the middle of a trestle bridge spanning a river. The rope
was not securely tied about the neck of the first man to be dropped, and
the knot slipped; he fell in the river and immediately swam for the
shore. As they were adjusting the rope for the second culprit, an
Irishman, he remarked:
"Will yez be sure and tie that good and tight, 'cause I can't swim."
*THE IRISHMAN AND HIS MULE*
General Sheridan was once asked at what little incident he had laughed
the most.
"Well," he said, "I do not know, but always laugh when I think of the
Irishman and the army mule. I was riding down the line one day, when I
saw an Irishman mounted on a mule, which was kicking its legs rather
freely. The mule finally caught its hoof in the stirrup, when, in the
excitement, the Irishman exclaimed, 'Well, if you're going to get on,
I'll get off.'"
*BUSINESS HABIT*
Some time ago a tramp was walking along, asking the pedestrians whom he
met for alms. He stopped in front of the shop of a Jewish second-hand
merchant; suddenly he entered it and appreached the dealer, saying,
"Excuse me, sir, but would you kindly give me a few pennies for a bed?"
The man looked at him and said with a characteristic business-like air,
"Vare is dot ped? Let me see it."
*A TEACHER'S JOYS*
A Philadelphia school-teacher tells this story:
"Last week I was teaching a spelling lesson to a class of little
second-graders. The word 'each' occurred, was written, on the board, and
from it I expected to derive 'peach,' 'reach,' 'teach,' etc. Pointing to
the word, I said, 'Can any child give a sentence using "each"?'
"A hand was unhesitatingly thrust up and a little German girl replied,
'Does your back each?'"
*FAMILY PRIDE*
A number of little girls were boasting of the rank of their respective
families. They had passed from clothes to personal appearance, then to
interior furnishings, and finally came to parental dignity. The
minister's little girl boasted:
"Every package that comes for my papa is marked D.D."
"And every package that comes for my papa is marked M.D.," retorted the
daughter of the physician.
Then followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party.
"Hugh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked
C.O.D."
*ON THE WITNESS STAND*
Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was recently examining an Irish witness
in a municipal court in a suit having to do with an accident on the
street cars. Here is a fragment of the information elicited by the
lawyer's advice that the witness give an account of the disaster in his
own words.
"Well, the man fell in th' str-reet as' the car-r passed; thin th' car-r
stopped, an' we all ran out. The cr-rowd gathered ar-round th' man and
shouted: 'He's kilt; he's kilt!' Thin Oi jumped in, pulled a dozen of
the spalpeens out uv th' way and yells at 'em: 'Yez thick-heads, yez!
If the man's kilt why in Hivvin's name don't yez stand to one side and
let him have a br-reath of air-r."
*DEFECTIVE EDUCATION*
A well-known citizen of Baltimore was recently spending a few days with
his wife at Atlantic City. When he seated himself in the dining-room on
the evening of his arrival he discovered that he could not read the
menu, as he had left his glasses in his room. His wife was in the same
predicament, so calling a waiter he said:
"Read that to me and I will give you half a dollar."
Quick as a flash the waiter replied:
"'Scuse me, boss, but I ain't had much ejication maself!"
*UNAVOIDABLE LAUGHTER*
"Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better
hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last
night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of
one of your women friends."
"Yis, mum, I know," was the reply; "but she couldn't help it. I was
tellin' her how you tried to make cake one day."
*SHE WAS EXCUSED*
One evening as the mother of a little niece of Phillips Brooks was
tucking her snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and said there was a
caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her
prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. The
caller remained only a short time and when the mother went up-stairs
again, she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden.
"Yes, mamma, I did and I didn't," she said.
"What do you mean by that, dear?"
"Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy so I just asked God if He wouldn't
excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'"
*A WRONG TRANSLATION*
Senator Quay was fond of telling a story of an experience of his in a
country hotel near Pittsburg.
Hanging on the wall in the parlor was an inscription, "Ici on parle
Francais." The Senator noted the sign and turning to the landlord said,
"Do you speak French?"
"No," the man replied, "United States will do for me."
"Well, then," said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall? That
means, 'French is spoken here.'"
"Well, I'll be blamed!" ejaculated the hotel-keeper. "A young chap sold
that to me for 'God bless our home.'"
*GETTING EVEN WITH HIM*
Mr. W----, who used to be president of the Seaboard Air Line, is a good
friend of Mr. S----, president of the Southern Railway. The friends of
the two are fond of springing upon them this story:
In sending out complimentary passes to officials of the Seaboard system
it happened through error that the Southern sent to Mr. W---- a pass
marked "Not good on the Washington and South-western Limited." When he
received it Mr. W---- looked up the Seaboard pass that was to be sent to
Mr. S----. With a pen he wrote across it:
"Not good on passenger trains."
*COMING DOWN LIKE A LADY*
A young lady was entertaining callers one evening when her little sister
came down the stairway in a noisy manner. "Frances," said the annoyed
elder sister, "you came down-stairs so that you could be heard all over
the house. Now, go back and come down properly."
Frances retired, and in a few minutes reentered the parlor.
"Did you hear me come down-stairs this time, Marjie?" asked the little
girl anxiously.
"No, dear; this time you came down like a lady."
"Yes'm," explained Frances, exhibiting some pride and satisfaction in
her performance, "this time I slid down the banisters."
*NOT A POPULAR CANDIDATE*
A dispute arose on a train one election day as to who would be elected
Governor of Pennsylvania. One man stoutly maintained that Pattison
would be elected, while another said Pennypacker would receive an
immense majority. An Irishman on the train offered twenty-five dollars
on the first-named candidate.
"You're both mistaken," said a religious-looking man after the
discussion had gone on for some time.
"Bedad! who will be Governor, thin?" asked the Celt.
"The Lord," said the old man solemnly. "He will be Governor of
Pennsylvania."
There was silence for a moment, and then the Celt shouted out:
"Begorry, an' I bet you twenty-five dollars that He don't carry
Pittsburg."
*JOHNNY'S CONSCIENCE*
A teacher in one of our city schools defined conscience as "something
within you that tells you when you have done wrong."
"Oh, yes," said a little lad at the end of the room, "I had it once last
summer after I'd eaten green apples, but they had to send for a doctor."
*NOT TO BE DISSUADED*
A number of salesmen were discussing the subject of traveling through
the South.
"I have often wondered," said one of them, "how those boys, who take
your hats in the dining-rooms of southern hotels and place them in a
rack without checks know which hat to give you. If thought I would try
and fool one. One day when I had finished lunch, and the boy had handed
me my hat, I tried it on and pretended it was a misfit.
"'This is not my hat,' I said, but he was ready with his answer.
"'Dat may not be youah hat, sah,' he replied calmly, 'but it am de hat
what you gib me when you come in.'"
*AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE*
An Irishman walked into a men's furnishing goods store the other day and
said:
"Oi want to get somethin' fer mournin' wear, but Oi don't know exactly
what the coostom is. What do they be wearin' now fer mournin'?"
"It depends," explained the salesman, "on how near the relative is for
whom you wish to show this mark of respect. For a very near relative,
you should have an all black suit. For some one not so near you may
have a broad band of black on the left arm or a somewhat narrower one
for somebody more distant."
"Och! is that it? Well, thin, gimme a shoe string. It's me woife's
mither."
*SQUARING THE ACCOUNT*
A practical joker of New York City tells this story upon himself, and
declares that the experience cured him of his bad habit:
On my arrival at San Francisco, as a joke I sent to a friend of mine at
home, well known for his aversion to spending money, a telegram, with
charges to collect, reading, "I am perfectly well."
The information evidently was gratifying to him, for about a week after
sending the telegram an express package was delivered at my room, on
which I paid four dollars for charges. Upon opening the package I found
a large New York street paving block, on which was pasted a card, which
read, "This is the weight your recent telegram lifted from my heart."
*THE IRISH BULL*
Two Celts who had been backsliding in their religious duties, had taken
the pledge and were trying to summon sufficient courage to attend
church. Each disliked the idea of going because of the gossip it would
create, so they agreed to be present at the same service on the
principle that misery loves company.
"But, Casey," asked one, "how am Oi to know if yez be there?"
"Why, Patr-rick, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll make a chalk mar-rk on
the wall beside th' dure."
"A good plan, faith," said Patrick; "an' Casey, if Oi get ther-re
fur-ist Oi'll rub the mar-rk out so that yez'll know."
*MORE BULLS*
This is submitted as an ideal example of the Irish "bull":
Roger: "Timothy, yez is dr-unk."
Timothy: "Roger, Oi'm not--an' if 'Oi was sober-r yez would not dare to
say so."
Roger: "An' Timothy, if yez was sober-r yez'd have sinse enough to know
ye wuz dr-runk."
*THE INTELLIGENT GOAT*
Three colored men were discussing the intelligence of different animals.
One favored the dog; another, the horse; but old Peter Jackson said, "In
my opinion de goat am de 'telligentest critter livin'. De goat kin
read, I saw him do it. Once I wuz walkin' down street dressed in mah
best suit, an' wearin' mah new plug hat. When I got down on de main
street, I seed a billboa'd on which it said: 'Chew Jackson's Plug.' A
goat wuz standin' thar when I passed an' when I wuz about ten feet away
he must hab recognized me, for de next thing I knew, I went sailin' in
de mud. When I looked 'roun' dat goat wuz chewin' mah plug hat for all
he wuz worth. Gem'men, da is no question in mah mind about de
'telligence ob de goat. He am a wondah."
*WHERE THEY GET IT*
George Ade, not long ago, was speaking of the curious ideas some
children have of the most ordinary things. Ade then said the story he
was about to tell actually occurred in Indiana, his native State. There
was a little boy, who, on seeing a pan of warm, freshly-drawn milk,
inquired where the cows got their milk.
"Where do you get your tears?" was the reply.
"Gee!" exclaimed the youngster, "do you have to spank the cows?"
*NEAR ENOUGH*
It was a Maine girl of whom the story is told that she refused to marry
a most devoted lover until he had amassed a fortune of ten thousand
dollars. After some expostulation he accepted the verdict and went to
work. About three months after this bargain had been made the young
lady, meeting her lover, said:
"Well, Charley, how are you getting along?"
"Oh, very well indeed," Charley returned cheerfully. "I've eighteen
dollars saved."
The young lady blushed and looked down at the toes of her walking boots.
"I guess," she said, faintly, "I guess, Charley, that's about near
enough."
*A CLOSE SHAVE*
A little girl asked her mother if there were any men in heaven.
"Mamma," she said, "I never saw a picture of an angel with a beard or a
mustache. Do men ever go to heaven?"
"Oh! yes," replied her mother, "men go to heaven, but it's always by a
close shave."
*TOO MUCH LIKE HOME*
Three men determined to rob a certain house. So, on the night chosen
for the deed, they gathered in front of the building. One of them
entered and started up-stairs. He had his boots on and, when near the
landing, they squeaked. A female voice was heard in one of the rooms.
"You go right down-stairs and take those boots off. I'm tired of having
to clean up mud and dirt after you. March right down and take them
off."
The burglar turned about, went down the steps, and joining his
companions, said:
"Boys, I couldn't rob that house, it seems too much like home."
*A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR*
It happened on an inauguration day in Washington and a member of a
governor's staff was, for the first time, arrayed in his full uniform.
When he arrived at the Capitol, he remembered having left something at
his boarding-house and turned back after it. The landlady's small
daughter answered the bell. She did not recognize the lodger in his
showy and magnificent dress.
"Who is it?" asked the mother before going into the parlor.
"I don't know, mamma, but I think it's God."
*HOW HE KNEW*
In a New York court, counsel for the defense, in a case of assault, was
questioning a witness for the prosecution. "Now, you say you saw the
quarrel between the two men?"
"Yes," replied the man, who happened to be a carpenter.
"How far away from them were you?"
"Just four yards, two feet, three and one-half inches."
"What do you mean?" shouted the attorney. "You don't mean to say that
you can measure distance that accurately with your eye?"
"No," said the carpenter, quietly; "but I knew some fool would ask me,
so I measured it."
*WORSE YET*
Henry H. Rogers, the Copper and Standard Oil magnate, was visited
recently by one of his friends who has been under the weather for
months. Mr. Rogers inquired kindly after the health of his caller.
"I have been staying down at Lakewood, New Jersey, for six months," was
the reply, "and I've been pretty low. In fact, I never was in so bad a
state before."
Mr. Rogers smiled and asked quietly:
"You've never been in Montana, have you?"
*AMENITIES OF THE BAR*
Judge Norton was solemn, stern and dignified to excess. He was also
egotistical, and sensitive to ridicule. Judge Nelson was a wit and
careless of decorum. He did not like Judge Norton.
At a Bar supper Judge Norton in an elaborate speech, referring to the
early days of Wisconsin, described with tragic manner a thunder-storm
which once overtook him in riding the circuit; the scene was awful,
"and," said the Judge, "I expected every moment the lightning would
strike the tree under which I had taken shelter."
"Then," interrupted Nelson, "why in thunder didn't you get under another
tree?"
*AT SUNDAY-SCHOOL*
In a down-town Sunday-school a few Sundays ago the teacher asked a class
of girls: "Can any little girl here tell me what the Epistles are?"
"I think I know," said one child.
"Well, Dorothy?"
"The Epistles were the Lady Apostles."
*A STORY ABOUT CHICAGO*
Two New York women were lunching together at a favorite cafe.
"One hears strange stories about Chicago," said the woman in the
chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed half of them until I went
there a while ago on a visit. Will you believe, my dear, that I went to
a dinner where there was a little silver trumpet beside each soup
plate?"
"What were they for?" inquired the girl with the violets.
"I didn't know at first, but I found out later that they were called
'soup coolers,' and were used for blowing the soup!" said the traveled
one.
*A BRIGHT PUPIL*
A pupil in one of the rural schools of Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, was
told by his teacher to form a sentence with the word "cuckoo" in it.
The youngster at once replied, "Chust because she made those cuckoo
eyes."
*A VIEW IN SCOTLAND*
Two smart young men from London once came upon a respectable-looking
shepherd in Argyleshire, and accosted him with:
"You have a very fine view here--you can see a great way."
"Yu ay, yu ay, a ferry great way."
"Ah! you can see America here, I suppose?"
"Farrar than that."
"How is that?"
"Yu jist wait tule the mists gang awa' and you'll see the mune."
*A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING*
Colonel Maltby tells of a neighbor of his at St. David's who went home
at a rather unusual hour of the day.
"Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?" he asked of the family
servant.
Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the
truth, I really belave they're in the wash."
*THE SKYSCRAPER*
At a recent dinner there were present a Frenchman and his wife who had
recently come to America. They were having some difficulty with our
language.
In the course of the conversation, the Frenchman remarked to his
neighbor at table, "I haf moosh interest in your high beeldings in zis
countree. Vot you call zem--sky creepers?"
"Oh, no," broke in his wife, "zat iss not right. It iss sky
scratchers."
*POOR JUDGMENT*
"But, papa," protested Gladys, "I am not a bit too young to marry. You
know perfectly well that you married mamma when she was eighteen, and I
am a whole year older than that."
"I know, but I never thought much of your mother's judgment in that
respect."
*HE WOULD TAKE IT WITH HIM*
Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, is said to be
responsible for this story.
"I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get a prescription filled,
when a young Irishman entered. He pointed to a stack of green castile
soap and said:
"'Oi want a loomp o' thot.'
"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk, 'will you have it scented or
unscented?'
"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman."
*CORRECT*
"Who can tell me who our first President was?" asked the teacher.
"George Washington," instantly answered a bright boy.
"George Washington was our first President," replied the teacher, "and
this is what you should have said. Never reply to such questions in
monosyllables. Now, who can tell me what I have on my feet?"
"Shoes," spoke up one boy.
"You have not answered correctly. Who can answer that question in a
correct manner?"
"Stockings," suggested another boy.
"No, no, no! That is not the way."
At this a boy in a back seat began to wave his hand eagerly. "Well,
what have I on my feet, Johnnie?"
"Corns," replied John triumphantly.
*THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE HYMN*
An anecdote is narrated of a negro evangelist who held evening services
in a chapel formerly used by the Anglican Church. In a hymnal, which
had been left there, he found an old familiar hymn suitable for his
sermon, but the Roman number CXIX somewhat confused him and he was not
at once able to announce it.
As was the custom, he read the verses through, still showing signs of
embarrassment and then reread the first stanza. This did not seem to aid
him or the congregation, and at last he straightened himself and said
with dignity, "Brethren, let us sing the Skeesix Hymn."
*A PAINFUL DEATH*
During a celebrated murder trial in New York City there were among the
many interested spectators two men, between whom the following
conversation occurred:
"The evidence will convict the prisoner sure," remarked one.
"Not only convict him, but will hang him," returned the other.
"Man alive! They don't hang murderers in New York!"
"Well, what do they do with them?"
"Kill them with elocution."
*HE DID*
Judge Parker is said to tell as a favorite story the tale of a young man
in Savannah named Du Bose, who invited his sweetheart to take a buggy
ride with him. The young woman had a very fetching lisp. When they
reached a rather lonesome bit of road the young man announced:
"This is where you have to pay toll. The toll is either a kiss or a
squeeze."
"Oh, Mr. Du Both!" exclaimed his companion.
*NOT AT HOME*
A caller stopped at the house of a certain man and asked if he was at
home.
"'Deed, an' he's not," replied the woman who answered his ring.
"Can you tell me where he is?"
"I cannot."
"When did you see him last?"
"At his funeral."
"And who may you be?"
"I'm his remains," said the widow, and she closed the door.
*MIXED PROVERBS*
On a cabbage patch owned by a negro in a Southern community oil was
found. Speculators offered the negro $20,000, which was accepted without
waiting to consider another proposition, said to be worth $40,000.
"What is this about your cabbage patch?" inquired a neighbor of the
negro. "I understand you have sold it for $20,000."
"Yas, that's true, boss," replied the negro. "Yo' see, men come picking
round my place an' dey say dar's oil heah. Dey say, 'We gib yo'
$20,000.' I say 'All right.'"
"I am told if you had waited a day or two you might have sold it for
$40,000?"
"Yas, dat mebbe so; but a bird in the hand's th' nobles' work of God!"
*AN ENDLESS CHAIN*
A lady who was visiting the home of a friend had just given each of the
children a penny. When the savings bank was produced and the coins were
deposited therein, the lady made the remark that the children had a lot
of money.
"Oh, yes," said little Mary. "Mamma is very good to us. Every time we
take our castor oil without crying she gives us a penny."
"And what do you do with all the money?" asked the visitor.
"Why, mamma buys some more castor oil with it!"
*IT WOULD DEPEND*
Franklin B. Gowen at one time tried a case in court against a man who
was defended by a lawyer named Browne. The issue involved was an
important one and every point was vigorously contested. During the
trial Mr. Gowen frequently referred to Mr. Browne as "Mr. Brow-nie,"
which embarrassed the lawyer so much that the presiding judge noticed
it. "Mr. Gowen, the name of the plaintiff's counsel is Browne, not
Brow-nie. Now, my name is Greene, G-r-e-e-n-e, and you wouldn't call me
Gree-nie, would you?" To which Mr. Gowen replied, "That will depend
altogether on how you decide this case."
*NECESSARY LABOR*
The other Sunday two small boys were industriously digging in a vacant
lot, when a man who was passing stopped to give them a lecture.
"Don't you know that it is a sin to dig on Sunday, unless it be a case
of necessity?" asked the good man.
"Yes, sir," timidly replied one of the boys.
"Then why don't you stop it?"
"'Cause this is a case of necessity," replied the little philosopher.
"A feller can't fish without bait."
*THE RETORT COURTEOUS*
Daniel Webster was noted for his ready wit, and the following example of
it is told by a man whose father heard the statesman's retort:
Webster was standing one afternoon on Pennsylvania Avenue, in
Washington, talking with a Senator from South Carolina. Between them
there was a certain ill-concealed enmity. As they were talking a drove
of mules was driven past them. The Senator remarked:
"Webster, why don't you bow? There go some of your constituents."
Quick as a flash Webster took off his hat, and, bowing gravely, replied:
"Yes, Senator, we are sending them down South to teach school."
*A RESPONSIVE CHORD*
A woman of Madison County, New York, was in Washington during the second
term of President Cleveland and with her husband took occasion to go to
see the chief executive at one of the large public receptions. All was
new and grand to the couple, but the sight of the endless line of
handshakers elicited the genuine sympathy of the old woman for the First
Lady of the Land. No doubt, this feeling was considerably stimulated by
her own weariness from long standing in line, which had about exhausted
her strength as well as her patience. When finally she did reach the
president and his wife, she exclaimed:
"Mrs. Cleveland, be you very tired?"
With quick adaptability and very gentle earnestness, Mrs. Cleveland
replied:
"Yes, I be."
*HE WAS RAISED*
A year ago a manufacturer hired a boy. For months, there was nothing
noticeable about him except that he never took his eyes off the machine
he was running. A few weeks ago, the manufacturer looked up from his
work to see the boy standing beside his desk.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Want my pay raised."
"What are you getting?"
"Three dollars a week."
"Well, how much do you think you are worth?"
"Four dollars."
"You think so, do you?"
"Yes, sir, an' I've been thinkin' so fer three weeks, but I've been so
blame busy, I haven't had time to speak to you about it."
*NOT A FAIR HEAD*
An Irishman was arrested and convicted for killing a man in a fight at a
fair by cracking him over the head with a shillalah. At the trial it
was shown that the victim possessed a very thin skull and the Irishman
being asked if he had anything to say before sentence was pronounced,
replied:
"No, your honor; but was that a skull for a man to go to a fair with?"
*AN UNUSUAL SIGHT*
A captain of an English regiment stationed at Natal, while paying off
his company, chanced to give one of his new recruits a Transvaal half
crown which bears the image and superscription of Paul Kruger. The
fellow soon returned with the coin and, throwing it on the table,
declared it was bad. The officer took the piece of money and rang it on
the table.
"It sounds all right, Atkins: what's the matter with it?" he asked.
"Well, sir," replied Atkins, "if you say it's all right, it's all right,
but it's the first time I've seed the Queen with whiskers on."
*VERY LONG AGO*
In the northwestern section of the city there is a teacher who has
charge of a primary class. One morning she was giving her pupils a
lesson on the Civil War and wished to impress on their minds how long
ago it had occurred.
"Just think, children," she said, "it was so long ago that even I don't
remember it."
"O-o-o-o Gee!" exclaimed one of the boys.
*FASHIONABLE LOVE*
Little Mary's big sister was engaged to Mr. Brown, who was away on a
trip with Mary's brother. Her father was writing to his son and
prospective son-in-law and asked the little girl if she had any message
to send to Mr. Brown.
"What shall I say, papa?" asked she
"Why," said the father, "I believe it is the fashion to send your love."
A few minutes later her father inquired, "And what shall I say to
brother Tom?"
"Well," replied the little miss, with a sigh, "you may send my
fashionable love to Mr. Brown and my real love to brother Tom."
*NOT THEIR SORT*
One warm summer day, Bishop C----, who is fond of donning old clothes
and tramping through the mountains of West Virginia, entered an inn
where several men were drawn up at the bar.
"Come join us," called out one of the men hospitably.
"No, thank you," said the bishop. "The fact is, I never drink."
"Do you eat hay?" retorted the West Virginian, nettled at the bishop's
refusal and eying him quizzically.
"No," was the bland reply.
"Then I say," drawled the mountaineer looking at the others to see the
effect of his witticism, "then I say, you're not fit company for man or
beast."
*FOLLOWING THE SEA*
Two Irishmen had taken a day off and had gone on a little pleasure trip
to Atlantic City. Walking beside the sea one of them exclaimed:
"Pat, would yer like to follow the sea always?"
"Shure, an' that Oi would," replied Pat, "if Oi could go the whole
distance on the boardwalk."
*HE RESPECTFULLY SUBSCRIBED*
One of the stories attributed to Bishop Potter concerns a young and
inexperienced clergyman who had just been called to a city charge. At
the end of the first month his salary was paid by a check, and he took
it to the bank and passed it in at the paying-teller's window. The
official looked at it and then passed it back.
"It's perfectly good," he said, "but I will have to ask you to indorse
it."
The young clergyman took his pen and wrote across the face of the check,
"I respectfully subscribe to the sentiments herein expressed."
*PROOF OF ACCIDENT*
The lady of the house was congratulating herself on obtaining a very
good cook--the only trouble was her carelessness.
One day hearing a dish fall and break, and the cook's remark, "Hup,
there she goes!" she called her, and said:
"Can't you be more careful? You seem to enjoy breaking dishes."
"Indade," replied the cook consolingly, "'tis only cheap chinyware you
use; shure, there's no pleasure in breakin' thot koind."
*A POWERFUL POISON*
A certain high school teacher amused his students the other day during a
lecture on chemistry by relating a story about an old German professor
who, in narrating the fact that cyanide of potassium was a very deadly
poison, went so far as to say that "one drop of this stuff placed on the
tongue of a rabbit would kill the strongest man!"
*WHY HE LAUGHED*
On one occasion, Dan Leno, the London comedian, had appeared at a house
in Park Lane, and given his best entertainment. The languor of his
listeners made him feel not too happy, and he was glad to retire to the
dressing-room allotted him. While he was removing the paint a very
young peer, who had strolled after him, told Leno in the most approved
drawl that some of his sayings had really been rather funny.
"Especially that one, you know, where your wife made a pancake on a
gridiron and the pancake slipped through and put the fire out. That
made me laugh awfully, because I know what a gridiron is. I have seen
one."
*A SAFEGUARD*
One cool day last June, just after the public bathhouses had been
opened, a boy of ten or twelve came into school with his hair very wet.
The teacher at. once surmised that he had been indulging in a bath, and
asked him about it. He admitted the fact.
"Weren't you afraid you'd take cold?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, the water is filtered."
*HOW SHE DEPARTED*
At an employment bureau, an Irish girl was asked regarding her past
record. She gave satisfactory replies to all the questions, but had no
reason for leaving the place she had last held. Finally she was asked
point blank:
"Now tell me, did you have any words with your mistress that led to your
giving up the position?"
"Niver a wor-rd, sor," she was quick to respond, "niver a wor-rd, shure;
Oi jist quietly locked the dure in the bathroom whin she was insoide,
tuk all me things, sor, and lift the place."
*CONCEALING HIS CONTEMPT*
That doughty Pennsylvanian, Thaddeus Stevens, once displayed so much
annoyance and disgust with the decision in a case on which he was
engaged that he reached for his hat and started out of the court-room in
the most informal way. Near the door he was stopped by the voice of the
judge:
"Mr. Stevens, are you trying to express your contempt for the court?"
"No, your honor," Stevens replied, "I am trying to conceal it."
*THE PHYSICIAN'S FEE*
A very eminent physician had cured a little girl of a dangerous illness.
"Doctor," said the mother, "I really don't know how to express my
gratitude, but thought perhaps you would be so kind as to accept this
purse embroidered by my own hands."
"Madam," replied the doctor coldly, "small presents serve to sustain
friendships; but they don't sustain our families. A physician's visits
should be rewarded in money."
"But, doctor," said the lady alarmed and wounded, "speak, tell me the
fee."
"Two hundred dollars, madam."
The lady opened the embroidered purse, took out five bank notes of one
hundred dollars each, gave two to the doctor, put the remaining three
back in the purse, bowed coldly and departed.
*TWO TO ONE*
Seated in a crowded traction car some time since was a very-stout woman
who weighed about three hundred pounds, and beside her, squeezing into a
space about three inches broad, was a messenger boy--one of those very
small abused-looking boys.
The stout woman, after looking about the car for a while, noticed two
young ladies standing near her and, turning to the small boy beside her,
said:
"Little boy, why don't you get up and let one of those young ladies sit
down?"
"Why don't you get up and let 'em both sit down?" replied the boy much
to the amusement of the rest of the passengers.
*A GOOD REASON*
A professor tells this story at his own expense:
He was instructing a class of boys about the circulation of the blood
and to make sure that they understood him he said, "Can you tell me why
it is that if I stood on my head the blood would rush to my head, and
when I stand on my feet, there is no rush of blood to the feet?"
Then a small boy after pausing for a short time answered, "It is because
your feet are not empty, sir."
*IN MOURNING*
His wife had been dead but a few weeks when a young farmer living near
Reading, Pennsylvania, a typical Berks County German, made good the
deficiency and married again. That there should be no violation of the
proprieties, however, was soon made plain by his treatment of the
bride's proposal that he drive her to town on the following Sunday.
"What!" he exclaimed, "you sink I ride out wit anoter woman so soon
after the deat' of my wife?"
*SELF-SACRIFICE*
The friends of a certain merchant had been interested for several months
in a house which he had been building in the suburbs. It was a modern
dwelling the exterior of which was attractive, but few had yet seen the
interior. One morning friend met the merchant on a trolley car.
"So your house is built at last?" said the friend.
"Yes."
"But I thought the plans didn't suit you?"
"Oh, they don't," came the reply; "but they suit my wife, the architect,
and the cook."
*PRE-NUPTIAL CONFIDENCES*
She was an exacting young woman and before she would promise to marry
him, he had to answer a great many questions relating to his past life.
He thought he had given her a very fair account of himself, but, just
when the wedding ceremony was about to take place, he remembered an
omission and, fearing that she might have cause for future reproach, he
whispered in her ear:
"Mary, there is one thing I have not told you yet. I am a Universalist.
Does it matter, love?"
"No, I guess not, dear," said the bride serenely, "I am a somnambulist."
*WONDERED HOW THEY MET*
Not very far from one of our large cities lives a happy little family of
three, father, mother and a little lad of about five years.
"Father, where were you born?" asked the youthful heir.
"In Chester," replied his father.
"And where was mother born?"
"Your mother was born in London."
"But father, where was I born?"
"My child, you were born in Philadelphia. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, nothing, only I think it's very funny how we three people ever met
one another."
*AFTER DEATH IN AFRICA*
Two old-time darkies were engaged in a discussion of death and its
mysteries when Uncle Mose said:
"Reuben, does you b'lieve dat whin a pusson dies he kin turn into a dorg
er a chicken?"
"Well, I dunno," answered Reuben, "ef you had yo' way whin you dies,
would you turn to a chicken?"
"Dat depend altogedder."
"Altogedder on what?"
"On whedder er not you lived in de nearabouts."
*IS AND HAS BEEN*
An Englishman went into a restaurant in a New England town and was
served for his first course with a delicacy unknown to him. So he asked
the waiter what it was and the waiter replied:
"It's bean soup, sir."
Upon this the Englishman rejoined in high dudgeon, "I don't care what
it's been, I want to know what it is."
*THE COMPENSATION OF LIFE*
Bridget and Pat were sitting on a sofa reading an article on "The Laws
of Compensation."
"Just fancy," exclaimed Bridget, "accordin' to this, whin a mon loses
wan av 's sinses another gits more developed. For instance, a bloind mon
gits more sinse av hearin' an' touch, an'----"
"Shure an' it's quite thrue," answered Pat, "Oi've noticed it mesilf.
Whin a mon has wan leg shorter than the other, begorre the other's
longer."
*IN THE SLEEPING CITY*
A young New Yorker was in Philadelphia recently to call upon a few
friends, expecting to return to New York on a midnight train. Being
detained longer than he had expected, he determined to remain in the
city all night. When he had been told in four different first class
hotels that there was no room to be had he began to despair, but at the
fifth he was more successful.
"Not until tonight," he remarked to the clerk at the hotel where he was
finally accommodated, "did I put any stock in the saying that
Philadelphia is a great place to sleep in; but it must be, seeing that
people come here to pay hotel rates for the privilege."
*A NATURAL CONCLUSION*
A bad little boy who lives in a suburb of the city crawled under the bed
the other day when his mother wanted to punish him. She could not get
him out without considerable difficulty and consequently decided to let
him remain there until his father returned in the evening from the city.
When the father arrived and was told of the trouble, he started to crawl
under the bed to bring out the disobedient child, but was very much
astonished when the little fellow called out, "Hello, is she after you,
too?"
*HIS APOLOGY*
There was an old judge in Pennsylvania whose decisions, in consequence
of numerous reversals, did not always command universal respect. One
day in a case on which he was sitting, one of the lawyers lost patience
at his inability to see things in a certain light and, in the heat of
the moment, remarked that the intellect of the Court was so dark that a
flash of lightning could not penetrate it. For this contempt, the judge
demanded a public apology. The following day the lawyer accordingly
appeared before his honor and made amends by saying:
"I regret very much that I said the intellect of the Court was so dark
lightning could not penetrate it. I guess it could. It is a very
penetrating thing."
*ALWAYS WANTED THE BEST*
An old German couple, living in a quiet town, had met slight financial
reverses which caused the wife considerable worriment, while her better
half was inclined to take the matter philosophically and make the best
of the situation. In the course of her complaints, she one day said:
"Ach! I vish I vas dead."
"I don't," said her husband. "I vish I vas in a beer saloon."
"Dot's it! Dot's it!" replied the spouse. "Dot's chust like you. You
always vants de best."
*ACCORDING TO WEIGHT*
The scene was a crowded street car. The car stopped and a very thin man
started to work his way out. He had great difficulty in squeezing
through a space between two very stout men and at last got angry.
"People who ride on street cars ought to pay according to weight," he
snapped to the conductor.
"If they did," answered one of the big fellows good naturedly, "the car
wouldn't stop for you."
*LARGE ENOUGH*
One day last summer two small boys were playing near the country road.
A young lady approached them.
"Little boy," said she, "can you tell me if I can get through this gate
to the pike?"
"Yes'm, I think so. A load of hay went through five minutes ago."
*SO HE WOULD*
Charlie Brown, aged ten years, has a baby brother about three weeks old,
of which he is very proud. A neighbor who delights to tease met Charlie
on the street a few days ago and said to him:
"Charlie, what makes that baby over at your house cry so much? I never
heard a baby cry so often. Why it cries all the time."
Charlie looked at his interlocutor a moment and replied:
"If you had no hair on your head, and no teeth in your mouth, and your
legs were so weak you couldn't stand up, I reckon you would feel like
crying, too."
*TO HELP HER ON*
The following story is told of President Roosevelt: Once he had to
recite an old poem beginning:
"At midnight in his guarded tent,
The Turk lay dreaming of the hour
When Greece, her knee in suppliance bent,
Should tremble at his power."
He got only as far as "When Greece, her knee," when he stopped. Twice
he repeated "Greece, her knee" and then he broke down.
The old professor beamed on him over his glasses and remarked "Greece
her knee once more, Theodore. Perhaps she'll go then."
*COMPARATIVE VALUES*
Two elderly men recently met for the first time in many years, and a
part of their conversation was overheard, as follows:
"And how many children have you, John?"
"Eight, five boys and three girls. How many have you?"
"Ne'er a one. Can't you spare me one of yours?"
"No. What I have, I wouldn't take a million dollars apiece for; and,"
he added reflectively, "I wouldn't give five cents for another."
*STRATEGICAL*
General Joe Wheeler tells a story of an Irishman who presented himself
for cavalry duty at the recruiting station at Selma, Alabama, at the
outbreak of the Civil War. He was very enthusiastic but very raw and
gave the fencing master a great deal of trouble. He began to improve,
however, after the eighth or ninth lesson and his instructor, upon
obtaining a few satisfactory replies as to thrusts, parries, etc.,
asked, "Now, Pat, what would you do were your opponent to feint?"
"Faint, is it?" came from the recruit. "Why, shure and Oi'd tickle him
wid me sword to see if he was shammin'."
*NO CAUSE FOR ANXIETY*