gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is
nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do
not have any thing that costs more than five dollars. And besides if I
did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the
boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there
was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in unset diamonds
from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went
around together quite a lot, but we had quite a quarrel the night
before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came
down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds in my handbag so I did
not have to declare them at the customs.
So Henry was waiting for me at the customs, because he had come up from
Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at
Pennsylvania, and Henry’s father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania, so
Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the
reporters were at the customs and they all heard about how Henry and I
were engaged to one another and they wanted to know what I was before I
became engaged to Henry, so I told them that I was nothing but a
society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry
with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy when I made my
debut in society at Little Rock and Dorothy said I made my debut at the
Elks annual street fair and carnival at the age of 15, I mean Dorothy
never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to
literary gentlemen like reporters.
So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls Royce, and while we
were coming to the apartment he said he wanted to give me my engagement
ring and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to
Cartiers and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartiers
and after he had looked them all over he had decided that they were not
half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket and I
really became intreeged. So then Henry said that when he looked at all
of those large size diamonds he really felt that they did not have any
sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst
College insted. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am to
full of self controle to say anything at this stage of the game, so I
said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but
sentiment.
So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to
talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has
really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry
that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because
I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just
the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and
they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare
let him go to church alone. Because the last time he went to church
alone some girl won him over on the street corner and he arrived back
home with all of his pocket money gone, and they could not believe him
when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put
more than a dime in the plate for the last fifty years.
So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to
marry me, is because his father says that Henry always has all of the
fun, and every time Henry’s father wants to have some fun of his own,
Henry always stops him and Henry will not even let him be sick at a
hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at
home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him who is a
male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit
of resiprosity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much
longer because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and Nature must
take its course sooner or later.
So Dorothy says what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry, when I
might manage to meet Henry’s father and the whole thing would be over
in a few months and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania.
But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy’s advise because Henry’s
father is watched like a hawk and Henry himself is his Power of
Attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And, after all,
why should I listen to the advise of a girl like Dorothy who travelled
all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle!
So Henry spent the evening at the apartment and then he had to go back
to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday
morning he belongs to a society who do nothing but senshure all of the
photoplays. So they cut out all of the pieces out of all the photoplays
that show things that are riskay, that people ought not to look at. So
then they put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over
and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry
away from one of his Thursday mornings and he can hardly wait from one
Thursday morning to another. Because he really does not seem to enjoy
anything so much as senshuring photoplays and after a photoplay has
once been senshured he seems to lose all of his interest in it.
So after Henry left I held quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my
maid who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really
thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spoffard after all, because Lulu says that
she kept studying Mr. Spoffard all of the time she was unpacking my
trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to
get away from Mr. Spoffard I could just set him down on the floor, and
give him a packet of riskay french postcards to senshure and stay away
as long as I like.
So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a
week-end and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry’s family are
as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal
even for a girl like I.
June 15th:
Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl because all of
the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to
one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a
society girl except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that
quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutant at the Elk’s
Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz and I told Dorothy that a
girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presents of
reporters.
So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up but
Dorothy said she really did not say anything to any of them except one
reporter asked her what I used for money and she told him buttons. But
Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few
people seem to know that Mr. Eisman is educating me and that he is
known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King, so one thing
might suggest another until people’s minds might begin to think
something.
But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a
debutant at Little Rock, because after all Dorothy knows that I really
did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to
make my debut, my gentleman friend Mr. Jennings became shot, and after
the trial was over and all of the Jury had let me off, I was really
much to fatigued to make any debut.
So then Dorothy said, why don’t we throw a party now and you can become
a debutant now and put them all in their place, because it seems that
Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible
suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl
who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry, had
really ought to be a debutant. So I told her to come right over and we
would plan my debut but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it
tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut he would
come up from Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party,
because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it.
So Dorothy came over and we planned my debut. So first we decided to
have some engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a
little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be
foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my
debut were all members of the Racquet Club, so I could just write out a
notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwynn and have
Willie Gwynn post it on the Racquet Club board.
So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board and then he called me up
and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the
Dempsey-Firpo fight, and he said that the whole Racquet Club would be
there in a body. So then we had to plan about what girls we would ask
to my debut. Because I have not seemed to meet so many society women
yet because of course a girl does not meet society women until her
debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on
a debutant. But I know practically all of the society men, because
practically all of the society men belong to the Racquet club, so after
I have the Racquet Club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real
place in society is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know
practically all of their sweethearts now.
But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of
girls at a party, if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party,
and it is quite delightful to have all the girls from the Follies, but
I really could not invite them because, after all, they are not in my
set. So then I thought it all over and I thought that even if it was
not etiquette to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette
to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers, and after they
were entertainers they could mix in to the party and it really would
not be a social error.
So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it and it seems that it
was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegger for the
whole Racquet Club, and Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he
could come to my debut and bring his club which is the Silver Spray
Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would
guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door.
So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before
she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy
because, after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned
in the Social Register and it has no place at a girl’s debut. But
Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to
be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racquet Club,
the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really
was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except
that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in,
because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew
a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with
Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the
newspapers and invited them all to my debut, so they could see it with
their own eyes.
So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on
the front page of all of the newspapers, if we have to commit a murder
to do it.
June 19th:
Well, it has been three days since my debut party started but I finally
got tired and left the party last night and went to bed because I
always seem to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days, but
Dorothy never loses her interest in a party and when I woke up this
morning Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean
Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests
of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a
swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically
fresh, but Dorothy had gone clear through the party from beginning to
end without even stopping to go to a Turkish bath as most of the
gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because
quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same
guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl
to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has
really been a very great success because all of the newspapers have
quite a lot of write-ups about my debut and I really felt quite proud
when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and it said in large size
headlines, “LORELEI’S DEBUT A WOW!” And Zits’ Weekly came right out and
said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope
that they can live to see what I will spring once I have overcome my
debutant reserve and taken my place in the world.
So I really had to apologise to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to
my debut because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to
the party and he more than kept his word. I mean he had his bootleggers
run up from the wharf in taxis, right to the apartment, and the only
trouble he had was, that once the bootleggers delivered the liquor, he
could not get them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a
little quarrel because Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe’s bootleggers were
snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys
from the Racquet club sing in their quartet. But Joe’s bootleggers said
that the Racquet club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined,
while they wanted to sing songs about Mother. So then everybody started
to take sides, but the girls from the Follies were all with Joe’s
bootleggers from the start because practically all we girls were
listening to them with tears steaming from our eyes. So that made the
Racquet club jealous and one thing led to another until somebody rang
for an ambulants and then the police came in.
So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the
police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous judge
who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a
party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up
no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge
Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the Police called up Judge
Schultzmeyer and he was down in less than no time. So during the party
both Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with
Dorothy. So Joe and the Judge had quite a little quarrel and the Judge
told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink he would set the Law after
him and confiscate it, but his stuff was not worth the while of any
gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he
would not lower himself to confiscate it. So along about nine o’clock
in the morning Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to
court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws, so he had
to leave Dorothy and Joe together and he was very very angry. And I
really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge
Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was
back at the party by twelve o’clock. So then he stuck to the party
until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before
yesterday when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off
at a sanitorium in Garden City.
So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season,
because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie
Gwynn’s sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate on Long Island,
and Willie Gwynn said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York
were conspicuous by their absents at his sister’s party, because they
were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a
famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs.
Henry Spoffard Jr.
Well Henry called up this morning and Henry said he had finally got his
father’s mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him and he
was coming up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family
and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he
asked about my debut party which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed
to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much
planned, as it was spontaneous, and I did not have the heart to call
him up at a moments notice and take him away from his father at such a
time for reasons which were nothing but social.
So now I am getting ready to visit Henry’s family and I feel as if my
whole future depends on it. Because if I can not stand Henry’s family
any more than I can stand Henry the whole thing will probly come to an
end in the law court.
June 21st:
Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry’s family at his old
family mansion outside of Philadelphia, and I am beginning to think,
after all, that there is something else in the world besides family.
And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who
can stand it. For instants, they always seem to get up very early in
Henry’s family. I mean it really is not so bad to get up early when
there is something to get up early about, but when a girl gets up early
and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as
if there was no sense to it.
So yesterday we all got up early and that was when I met all of Henry’s
family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody
was in bed when we arrived because it was after nine o’clock. So in the
morning Henry’s mother came to my room to get me up in time for
breakfast because Henry’s mother is very very fond of me, and she
always wants to copy all of my gowns and she always loves to look
through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of
liqueur candies that are full of liqueurs and she was really very
delighted. So I finally got dressed and she threw the empty box away
and I helped her down stairs to the Dining room.
So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister and that was
when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry’s sister has never been
the same since the war, because she never had on a man’s collar and a
necktie until she drove an ambulants in the war, and now they cannot
get her to take them off. Because ever since the armistice Henry’s
sister seems to have the idea that regular womens clothes are
effiminate. So Henry’s sister seems to think of nothing but either
horses or automobiles and when she is not in a garage the only other
place she is happy in is a stable. I mean she really pays very little
attention to all of her family and she seems to pay less attention to
Henry than anybody else because she seems to have the idea that Henry’s
brains are not so viril. So then we all waited for Henry’s father to
come in so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast.
So then something happened that really was a miracle. Because it seems
that Henry’s father has practically lived in a wheel chair for months
and months and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male
nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheel chair and then
Henry said “Father, this is going to be your little daughter in law,”
and Henry’s father took one good look at me and got right out of his
wheel chair and walked! So then everybody was very very surprised, but
Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book.
So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to
read out of the Bible but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible
and he could hardly eat a bite because when a gentleman is as feeble as
Henry’s father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other eye
on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally
became quite discouradged and he told his father he would have to get
back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse
wheeled him back to his room and it really was pathetic because he
cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me
about Henry’s father and I really got to thinking that if Henry’s
father could only get away from everybody and have some time of his
own, Dorothy’s advise might not be so bad after all.
So after breakfast we all got ready to go to church, but Henry’s sister
does not go to church because Henry’s sister always likes to spend
every Sunday in the garage taking their Ford farm truck apart and
putting it back together again, and Henry says that what the war did to
a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself.
So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So we came home
from church and we had luncheon and it seems that luncheon is
practically the same as breakfast except that Henry’s father could not
come down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a
vialent fever that they had to send for the Doctor.
So in the afternoon Henry went to prayer meeting and I was left alone
with Henry’s mother so that we could rest up so that we could go to
church again after supper. So Henry’s mother thinks I am nothing but
sunshine and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she
hates to be by herself because, when she is by herself, her brains
hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats and
she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep
their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it
is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it
through an ear trumpet because sooner or later your voice has to give
out.
So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon
only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I
told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so
Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat
down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend
it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of
money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to
make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and
be satisfied.
June 22nd:
Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I
made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his
father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on
the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at
any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more
than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was
practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to
expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I
decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up
quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our
engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s
credit is really my credit.
So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing
room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he
had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an
introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were
common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it
was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So
then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.
So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life,
because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but
who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a
girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly
always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing
that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman,
especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So
Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat
there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s
opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet
is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he
believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we
got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew”
until you could almost hear the gun go off.
And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems
that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C., where he
went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria
to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject
which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr.
Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on
Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money
from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario
full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore
that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans
were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.