a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because
practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said
that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison
had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but
Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically
nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could
fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a
Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to
wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she
married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of
Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to
Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned
down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size
bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink
looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so
strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your
mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could
make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to
myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink.
So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting
along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are
all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is
full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full
of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr.
Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the
motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize
that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of
16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and
he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15
who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention
home.
So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to
thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like
about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not
everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr.
Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the
Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding
literary conversations.
So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same
time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent
for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman
with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one.
So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry
because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit
suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite
a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I
would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came,
but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could
tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be
and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me.
So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him
to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and
I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him
that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave
him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.
July 10th:
Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to
begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen
to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful.
Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes
a girl’s brains whirl.
I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite
a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on
Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants
telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was
very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York.
So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry
came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him
how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse.
So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not
insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my
character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry
was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon
for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out
to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or
other had for sale at the Ritz.
So then I went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr.
Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he
says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame
Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their
plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around
them.
So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never
seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because
when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all
of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was
worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something
that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr.
Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little
woman, a penny for your thoughts.”
So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and
finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the
social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be
ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had
been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly
Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I
expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I
would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late,
because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and
it would be snaped up almost immediately.
So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if
I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time,
society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl
was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if
she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what
Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it
was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at
the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy
said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I
bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a
spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she
said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought
them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so
common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a
negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the
Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but
that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss
them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there
was a new moon, and it would take away the curse.
So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him
she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had
such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to
happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy
said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt,
and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked
her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my
extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never
heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the
Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop
out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate
anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the
day before German marks started to colapse.
So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the
apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the
telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy
came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that
if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust
heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.
So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch
Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to
say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be
putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I
just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr.
Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his
anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would
telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.
So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on
his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed
to shrink to ½ his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told
him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me
could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more
in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to
such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the
difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent
store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that
if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no
wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl.
So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then
he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent
word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark,
Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted
to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course,
as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.
So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something
and I wanted to make the World a better place than it seemed to have
been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession
on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought
to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman
like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could
be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world
what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because
he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him
that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he
to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got
through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than
most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia
Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought
to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women
trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so
declasée if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.
So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family
and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war
that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I
mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she
would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock
figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the
films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her
from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to
have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would
wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses
and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and
made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and
Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.”
So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am
nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always
seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because
when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I
realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day.
So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz
and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very
depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all
educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he
really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he
would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H.
Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point
me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman
himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman
up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because,
after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them
will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I
really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not
help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of
all my shopping.
So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York
and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me,
because practically every one of them has written a senario. And
everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy
said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate
her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing
right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even
Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was
over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling
Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he
would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and
Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true
friend after all.
So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it
really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of
our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to
spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario
together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as
ideas.
So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are
working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among
all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems
so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a
very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at
the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing
better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at
our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have
been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that
she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those
extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be
screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up
out of their infancy.
So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him and he
has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone
I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because I make Henry let
his father come to the studio every day because, after all, every
studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case it
might just as well be Henry’s father. So I have given orders to all of
the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a
good time because, after all, it is the first one he has had. And as
far as Henry’s mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and
her face lifted and getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl
called Madam Calve play it when she was on her honeymoon and she has
always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discouradge
her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to
bother to speak to the electricians about Henry’s mother. And Henry’s
sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun, because she
has six trucks and 15 horses to look after and she says that the motion
picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck
since the Armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy because Dorothy
says that she has had more laughs this month than Eddie Cantor gets in
a year. But when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is
happier than anybody else, because of all of the understanding and
sympathy he seems to get out of me.
And so I am very happy myself because, after all, the greatest thing in
life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while
everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my
diary because after all, I am to busy going over my senarios with Mr.
Montrose, to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy
bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with
everything else I seem to acomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try
to do. And so I really think that I can say good-bye to my diary
feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best.
THE END