the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to
be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep
getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of
2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help
it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to
talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who
sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really
doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair.
So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a
German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage
yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who
came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came
out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out.
I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend
nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at
her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we
have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of
Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the
foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see
Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because
Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the
smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So
even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad
because he said he was 100 per cent. of an American and it served the
Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans.
May 20th:
Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the
museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look
at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last
night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out
with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house
called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer
Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but
she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy
will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement.
May 21st:
Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are
all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day
going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even
going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me,
I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think
about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to
hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen
because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her
at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she
had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had
his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took
Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and
pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages
and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few
blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a
lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates
that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the
first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby
and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show
very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave
because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph
asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after
dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally
Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the
hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat
first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to
feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is
suffer.
But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to
feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna,
and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman
and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting
one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr.
Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And
Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says
she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she
thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy
expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and
always hope for the best.
May 25th:
So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr.
Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he
tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run
around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care
to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to
bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to
dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite
late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all
up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr.
Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at
things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work
out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at
museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look
at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is
much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he
would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the
best after all.
But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night
Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an
engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen
in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he
makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman
gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and
bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk
to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if
anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get
discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week
a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged.
May 27th:
Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little
girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do
to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there
was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my
worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out
of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr.
Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems
that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when
you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it
instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told
him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so
much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else
but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not
dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he
is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out
quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put
in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always
seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really
never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever
want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever
want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the
bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then
Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really
think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he
pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese
landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it
really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said
that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some
sleep.
May 29th:
Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr.
Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and
I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy
thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing
to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to
happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening
that are not for the best.
So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm
for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you
seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you
drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the
gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after
they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to
mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee
house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do
not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because
Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button
profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr.
Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream.
So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having
yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her
companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a
lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became
quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count
Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think
that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him
think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think
that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother
seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really
could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was
using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So
Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a
“creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason
why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then
Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not
such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on
talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn
and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me
and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the
family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me
not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard
would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a
lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of
another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I
have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.
So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed
early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look
at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes
gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight.
May 30th:
Well last night Mr. Spoffard and I took quite a long ride in the park,
but they do not call it a park in the Viennese landguage but they call
it the Prater. So a prater is really devine because it is just like
Coney Island but at the same time it is in the woods and it is
practically full of trees and it has quite a long road for people to
take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman
had been talking against me quite a lot. So it seems that she has been
making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of
the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me except that
she did not find out about Mr. Eisman educating me. So then I had to
tell Mr. Spoffard that I was not always so reformed as I am now,
because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolfs in
sheeps clothes, that did nothing but take advantadge of all we girls.
So I really cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I was just a
little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock and by that
time even Mr. Spoffard had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came
from a very very good family because papa was very intelectual, and he
was a very very prominent Elk, and everybody always said that he was a
very intelectual Elk. So I told Mr. Spoffard that when I left Little
Rock I thought that all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything
but protect we girls and by the time I found out that they did not want
to protect us so much, it was to late. So then he cried quite a lot. So
then I told him how I finaly got reformed by reading all about him in
the newspapers and when I saw him in the oriental express it really
seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spoffard
that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew what it was
to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew
that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spoffard reached over and he
kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverance and he
said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a
write-up in the bible who was called Magdellen. So then he said that he
used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the
first rock at a girl like I.
So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late and it really
was devine because it was moonlight and we talked quite a lot about
morals, and all the bands in the prater were all playing in the
distants “Mama love Papa”. Because “Mama love Papa” has just reached
Vienna and they all seem to be crazy about “Mama love Papa” even if it
is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel.
So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr.
Spoffard called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I
told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother because we
could have quite a little tatatate if there was only two of us. So I
told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon because I thought
that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything.
So he brought his mother down to our sitting room and I put on quite a
simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off
of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in
the Follies and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on
them. So when he introduced us to each other I dropped her a courtesy
because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot
of courtesys. So then he left us alone and we had quite a little talk
and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we
seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old
fashioned. So then Mr. Spoffards mother told me that Miss Chapman said
that she had heard that I was not so old fashioned. But I told her that
I was so old fashioned that I was always full of respect for all of my
elders and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do,
like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for
instants.
So then I ordered luncheon and I thought some champagne would make her
feel quite good for luncheon so I asked her if she liked champagne. So
she really likes champagne very very much but Miss Chapman thinks it is
not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a
Christian science, and all of we Christian science seem to believe that
there can not really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any
harm in a small size bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look
at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss
Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman
believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply
more towards water. So then we had luncheon and she began to feel very
very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of
champagne because I told her that I was such an ardent Christian
science that I did not even believe there could be any harm in two
bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne and she
became very intreeged about Christian science because she said that she
really thought it was a better religion than Prespyterians. So she said
Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss
Chapman never seemed to have such a large size grasp of the Christian
science religion as I seem to have.
So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good
looks. So then she said that that was true, because Miss Chapman would
always make her wear hats that were made out of black horses hair
because horses hair does not weigh so much on a persons brain. So I
told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite
large size roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it
on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being
bobbed. So I thought I would get the sissors and bob her head, but then
I thought I had done enough to her for one day.
So Henry’s mother said that I was really the most sunshine that she
ever had in all her life and when Henry came back to take his Mother up
to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away he
called me up on the telephone and he was qiute excited and he said he
wanted to ask me something that was very very important. So I said I
would see him tonight.
But now I have got to see Mr. Eisman because I have an idea about doing
something that is really very very important that has got to be done at
once.
May 31st:
Well I and Dorothy and Mr. Eisman are on a train going to a place
called Buda Pest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I
left him a letter. Because I thought it would be a quite good thing if
what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down, instead of asking
me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he
is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minute’s
time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting
very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her
would really go for nothing. So I told him to write down what he had to
say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz hotel in Buda Pest. Because I
always seem to believe in the old addage, Say it in writing.
So it was really very easy to get Mr. Eisman to leave Vienna, because
yesterday he went out to see the button factory but it seems that all
of the people at the button factory were not at work but they were
giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some
saint has a birthday they all stop work so they can give it a birthday
party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar, and found out that some
saint or other was born practically every week in the year. So he has
decided that America is good enough for him.
So Henry will not be able to follow me to Buda Pest because his mother
is having treatments by Dr. Froyd and she seems to be a much more
difficult case than I seem to be. I mean it is quite hard for Dr.
Froyd, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which
really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use
his judgement. I mean when she tells him that a very very handsome
young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his
judgement.
So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again and I must say it will be
delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe.
June 1st:
Well yesterday Henrys letter came and it says in black and white that
he and his mother have never met such a girl as I and he wants me to
marry him. So I took Henrys letter to the photographers and I had quite
a lot of photographs taken of it because a girl might lose Henrys
letter and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But
Dorothy says to hang on to Henry’s letter, because she really does not
think the photographs do it justice.
So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry and the telegram says
that Henry’s father is very, very ill in New York and they have got to
leave for New York immediately and his heart is broken not to see me
again and to send him my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be
rested while he is going back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and
I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another telegram and Henry
says that he and his mother are very very happy and Henrys mother can
hardly bear Miss Chapman any more and Henry says he hopes I will decide
to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of
company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York
anyway, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to
drink.
So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry
Henry after all. Because I know to much to get married to any gentleman
like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a
gentleman who gets on a girls nerves quite a lot and when a gentleman
has nothing else to do but get on a girls nerves, there really seems to
be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a
business, he has an office and he has to be there, but when a
gentlemans business is only looking into other peoples business, a
gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And
a girl could not really say that her time was her own. And when Henry
was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out
of the house because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing
but sunshine. So it is quite a problem and I seem to be in quite a
quarandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to
decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind,
and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue
him for a breach of promise.
But I really think, whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get
back to New York. So I will see if Mr. Eisman will send us back. I mean
I really do not think that Mr. Eisman will mind us going back because
if he does, I will start shopping again and that always seems to bring
him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have
to try to make up my mind one way or another. Because we girls really
can not help it, if we have ideals, and sometimes my mind seems to get
to running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe
there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows
how to look and act like Count Salm and who has got money besides. And
when a girls mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girls
mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not.
CHAPTER SIX
BRAINS ARE REALLY EVERYTHING
June 14th:
Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman
finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button
profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more in
Europe. So we separated from Mr. Eisman in Buda Pest because Mr. Eisman
had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin,
who have done nothing but starve since the War, so he wrote me just
before we sailed and he said that he had dug up all his starving
relatives and he had looked them all over, and decided not to bring
them to America because there was not one of his starving relatives who
could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for
overweight.
So Dorothy and I took the boat and all the way over on the boat I had
to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H.
Spoffard, or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York
and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at
New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do
not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry which would come
in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree
with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only thing she could
stand being to Henry, would be to be his widow at the age of 18.