in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get
her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back
to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems
when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would
steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa
know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis
Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it
because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is,
she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his
papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So
it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was
making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not
find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really
think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for
herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow
morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to
tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But
she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is
going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and
say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it
everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that
she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it
for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to
sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it.
Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old
gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one
another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French
gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing
and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American
fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber.
So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings
and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of
evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only
they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call
them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she
is covered all over with “diamonteys.”
May 5th:
So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to
Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to
Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go
shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks
that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk
at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So
then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when
we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to
thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to
have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris,
with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really
do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from
two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to
protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I
sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.
So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his
hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once more. So it
seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular
squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that
he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started
in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own
papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand,
I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I
told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after
all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at
Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most
of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.
So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed
that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them
that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store
and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady
Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put
on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to
Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady
Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So
Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman
would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give
it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked
at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that
was really full of reverance.
So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem
to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could
really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and
Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us,
especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.
So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money
when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber
if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis
Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in
London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay
almost anything to get the diamond tiara.
So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber
are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman
gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give
Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way
they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and
could not even speak the French landguage.
So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house
today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and
we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says
she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s
hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at
a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we
called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for
all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people
like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really
makes Paris so devine.
CHAPTER FIVE
THE CENTRAL OF EUROPE
May 16th:
I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because
Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really
do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing.
I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when
a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And
I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to
think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything
else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot
of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory
that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the
button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a
button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not
care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he
thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for
Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something.
Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything
else, especially shopping.
So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for
Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to
see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to
learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us
to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in
the whole central of Europe.
So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I
really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and
Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in
the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we
do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is
nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I
and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of
Europe to get educated.
May 17th:
So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite
unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of
the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because
it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting
small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands
seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or
else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and
watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be
ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy
said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York,
because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no
country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became
quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American
girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not
think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in
the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to
see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.
So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for
some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel
so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she
keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of
Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are
really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go
to the dining car and have some luncheon.
Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a
delightful American gentleman, I mean it was quite a co-instance,
because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was
really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous
Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very
wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New
York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works
all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman
who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is
always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples
morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz
for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman
friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy
Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and
walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian
and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I
mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as
Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35
years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else.
So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became
quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an
introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up
on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be
quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman
like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she
at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little
Rock were really not so Prespyterians.
So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about
all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of
Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they
use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to
take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a
small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had
tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay
for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring
us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him
for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a
one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million
kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty
look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of
champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do
anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and
getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of
the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told
Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he
brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me
all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think
that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual
because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto.
So then we got to talking quite a lot and I told him that I was
traveling to get educated and I told him I had a girl with me who I was
trying to reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on
getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all Mr.
Spoffard will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later and he might wonder
what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So Mr.
Spoffard really became quite intreeged. Because Mr. Spoffard loves to
reform people and he loves to senshure everything and he really came
over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to
Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them but they
should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we
Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at
America first. So Mr. Spoffard spends all of his time looking at things
that spoil peoples morals. So Mr. Spoffard really must have very very
strong morals or else all the things that spoil other peoples morals
would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spoffards
morals and I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals.
So I told Mr. Spoffard that I thought that civilization is not what it
ought to be and we really ought to have something else to take its
place.
So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our
compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother
does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards
mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything
unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he
ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got
married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we
seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young
man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I
told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about
all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.
So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is
really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr.
Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned
girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I
was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have
him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting
quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he
had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more
reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.
Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a
call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and
I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become
friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet
his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a
gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a
conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because
a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s
mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind
of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.
So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite
a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so
strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old
family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be
sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old
familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still
has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is
called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss
Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new
going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about
at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because
how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for
instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for
instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility
that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman
told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get
cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr.
Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a
mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine
old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said,
“If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once
had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not
pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know
how to hold a conversation.
So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr.
Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the
hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district
attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell
all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr.
Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney,
he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank
says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy
spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his
sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good
job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is
to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave
Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go
back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I
followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked
Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming
a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really
thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr.
Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my
heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard
is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have
any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of
my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and
get her mind to running on things that are more educational.
So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a
place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call
“kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and
Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could
send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every
place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all
going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a
telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will
tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions
are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they
do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph
Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at
Munich to look at all of the art.
So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have
anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr.
Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I
and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a
lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I
said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any
other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than
that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite
friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she
thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says,
if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper
because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy
says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie
even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look
that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea
about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3
thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the
slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society
people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr.
Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an
electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl
as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the
train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich.
May 19th:
Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at
Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich
when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train
they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was
full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted
the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen,
and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not
full of kunst.
So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in
Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we
looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of
quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and
tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it
seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see
Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really
know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English
landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that
Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst
theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink
beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and
hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to
ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because
the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer
gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed
to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse
than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and
Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of
‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”
So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not
seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst
theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look
like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really
see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So
Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art
center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.